
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/1172541.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Choose_Not_To_Use_Archive_Warnings, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager, Levi/Erwin_Smith
  Character:
      Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Eren_Yeager, Erwin_Smith, Hange_Zoë, Mikasa
      Ackerman
  Additional Tags:
      Canon_Universe, Universe_Alteration, Thug!Stripper!Bottom!Levi_(oh_my),
      Horny!Hormonal!Angry!Eren, Coming_of_Age, Prostitution, Rape/Child
      Molestation_Mention, Suicidal_Thoughts, Alcohol/Drug_addiction,
      Kidnapping, dubcon, Abuse, Murder, The_tags_seem_depressing_but_half_the
      time_it's_awkward_humor, commitment_issues, Self-Esteem_Issues,
      Abandonment_Issues, lots_of_issues, Slow_Build, First_Love, Other
      Additional_Tags_to_Be_Added, Smut
  Stats:
      Published: 2014-02-07 Updated: 2014-07-10 Chapters: 23/? Words: 234649
****** Reluctant Hero ******
by AmayaOkami
Summary
     Levi has a personal vendetta when the unforeseen murder of his crew
     occurs. In the midst of finding the culprit, he's left with no other
     choice but to take unfortunate children under his wing. After facing
     good and bad times together, they soon discover their situations
     aren't so different and help each other find what they're looking for
     most.
     A/N: ErenxLevi eventually becomes the main pairing, but he's too
     young right now (there will be a timeskip after chapter 16.) For now,
     enjoy some ErwinxLevi.
Notes
     This takes place in Wall Sina a while after the breach in the
     Shiganshina District. The story revolves around Levi's back story and
     his days as a thug before enlisting in the military. Oh, and just to
     satisfy my urge to see Levi doing cute stuff like taking care of
     children, I made it so Eren and Mikasa went to look for their father
     instead of joining the military right away.
***** Act l: Prelude *****
I tried. That was all I was able to say. I fucking tried. I tried to protect
them. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I failed. I repeated these words
over and over again as I looked down at the stiff, lifeless bodies of my
friends near my feet. Their eyes were set on me, but could no longer see; they
would never see me again and after I walked away, I would never see them again
either. The last image their eyes captured was this filthy hellhole—never to
see a new shitty day. I didn't know if I was mournful or envious.
This world is bitter and held no place for people like us, but being together
just made it that much more bearable. Waking up while knowing you had people
you trust made it worth rising—otherwise I'd never leave my bed, maybe just to
get myself intoxicated but that would be on a good day. Without them, life was
going to get even shittier and in my state of shock, I couldn't even process
that yet. And it was a good thing, because I probably would have lost my head
if the realization hit right here on the spot.
What a shame. What a damn fucking shame. They deserved so much better, and I
wanted to provide them with that. But now I'll never be given the chance. They
were gone. I'll never see the light shine in those eyes again. I'll never hear
their playful bickering amongst each other. It was over. I was alone. Why I
haven't died with them was a mystery. I was clueless.
But I was glad to be alive—if I was still breathing, revenge was still
possible.
And to think I was having a smoke with a drink in hand just a few hours prior
while I listened to them debate some stupid, trivial matter. I wish I could
recall what they were saying. I couldn't have known at the time, but it would
be the last time I heard them speak. The memory, regrettably, failed to come
back to me and their words were long since gone.
Our hideout—our safe haven from those crooked assholes that called themselves
the Military Police—was calling for me, but when I remembered I'd be going back
solo with no one there to welcome me, my feet changed direction. I needed a
drink. Funny how I said a drink because by the time an hour past, I couldn't
even stand up right on the stool. My body was hunched over, arms sprawled out
on the counter as I nursed what was likely my twelfth beverage. Other big-ass
morons could handle more liquor in one sitting, but I unfortunately had what
would be considered a small body, and so I was honestly surprised I didn't get
alcohol poisoning yet.
It was late. I would surely be thrown out soon, but I was too drunk to care. If
they wanted me out badly enough, let them scoop up my ass and throw me to the
curb. I was used to being thrown away like a filthy piece of trash anyways.
It's what I deserved. I was trash. I couldn't protect them even after we all
promised to look out for each other. They were gone and never coming back.
If I was capable of crying, I would; I would cry until there wasn't a drop of
fucking moister left in this pathetic body. Hell, sobbing like a miserable
drunk sounded like a good time right about now, but my eyes refused to free my
tears. Heaven fucking forbid if some of this emotional weight was released from
me—maybe it was all meant to be tucked away deep until the day I finally
snapped.
Clumsily, I set the rim of the glass to my lips and prepared my stomach for the
last toxic gulp that would pollute it. The liquor was crude, but it was cheap
and made me forget who I was for a while. I wasn't complaining.
A few moments later I found myself sitting on the cold curb after being
physically dragged out by the collar by a filthy hand. The nerve of some
people. If they didn't want my not-so-hard-earned money, then fine. I'll find
better places to drink. But that would have to be another day. I doubted highly
that any other bars were open this late. Reluctantly, I settled for going back
home.
Another time, I would throw a fit if I returned home to such an untidy sight—I
would give out cleaning orders to all responsible for the mess. Even if they
were nestled in their beds or busy with other matters, I'd still get them to
clean up—but tonight, I let the mess remain. I couldn't bear to touch one of
those dirty glasses that was being sipped off of happily a few hours ago and I
couldn't find the will to scrub away all the stains they made while
roughhousing.
The messes they left behind was the last of their existence in this place. Once
it was gone, they would be too. Other than my own memories, there was nothing
else to remember them by. No photos or important belongings other than a few
second-hand clothing laying around.
It was a miracle I even found my way back to this shithole, never mind my own
bed. I was blessed with yet another miracle when I fell asleep instantaneously,
but the unpleasant dreams that came to me was the price I paid for such easily-
obtained luxuries.
I woke with a start when loud bashing at the front door rescued me from my
nightmares. Though, I wasn't being saved when I realized who could be on the
other side of the door. Whoever was knocking definitely was not friendly.
***** Company *****
Chapter Summary
     A knock at the door stirs Levi from his nightmares and he's greeted
     by a small boy in need of some help. Levi is left with no other
     choice but to offer some hospitality.
The neighborhood I resided in was located right along Wall Sina. It was the
rattier side of town that was regrettably conceived when gangs began to form
around the city. I bet the classy fucks didn't like that too much, but there
was no getting rid of these neighborhoods now. It wasn't as bad as the North
District. Never step foot over there if you had anything more than one brain
cell.
Everyone, even the idiot nobles and lowlives like myself knew better than to
visit that area. Whether it was day or night, you'd likely not return alive.
Nothing but meaningless murders, sex slaves and drug trafficking (that last
part was no stranger to my side of town, though).
Where I lived wasn't too bad with the exception of a few local gangs that
specialized in drug activity and robberies, but it was all harmless fun. They'd
never kill anyone or start trouble with innocent pedestrians. We were above
mindless crime like that.
The not-so-abandoned underground city and tunnels were another world all
together. This was where all the illegal transactions were negotiated. You
could keep your guard down while browsing the black markets and buyable sex.
Keep in mind, there were still territories to respect, but there was no worry
about police barging in and raiding the place. If men in uniform were walking
through there, they were just as crooked as the rest of us. They earned extra
cash on the side by selling new or nearly mint-condition 3D Maneuver Gear,
weapons, and firearms.
For a brief moment, I was wondering why no one was answering the god damn door,
but then I remembered. Right, I was alone. My friends are dead. Gotcha.
Even though my hangover was telling me to get back to sleep, it looked like I
had no other choice but to get myself up.
First, I retrieved my watch that I had set on the nightstand before crashing.
Even though I slept in my clothes, I didn't want to risk breaking it when I
rolled around in bed. Not like it mattered, I stole it off some guy who was too
stupid to realize I was snooping through his pocket. If you're going to be that
stupid, you don't deserve the watch. I deserve the watch.
7:10. That's what the time said. Given that the den was always so dark, (it was
on the basement floor with steps leading up to the street, therefore it lacked
any windows) I thought the time suggested it was seven in the morning, but then
I remembered I didn't even get back until it was around five a.m. It must be
nighttime, then.
Damn, one night alone and I already slept in.
I told myself it wasn't time for dark humor as I returned the watch to my wrist
and straightened out my blouse a bit. Not that a gave a fuck what I looked like
right now, it was just out of habit to uncrease my clothes.
Another moment later and I was facing the door with my pistol tucked in the
waistband of my pants. I'm no murderer, it's just this isn't a safe
neighborhood and I don't get any visitors. Precautions must be made. Not to
mention, I had a fuck load of enemies from the North District that I could only
assume were tracking me down at this very moment. I thought of ignoring the
knock, but I rather answer while I was prepared then have someone bust the door
down.
I flung the door open and my line of sight was caught with snow falling
steadily downwards. The wind was howling and rushing into my ears. It was
freezing. The brisk wind sent a chill right through me, not that it was much
warmer in the house, but the contrast between now and being under the blankets
was noticeable.
Amazing how fast the temperature could change. Last night wasn't too bad, but
then again I couldn't even remember my own name. I doubted I remembered the
temperature accurately—too heated with rage and intoxication, probably.
I was about to shut the door, settling on the idea that the wind made the sound
of knocking, but a few strains of brown flicked up with the wind and grabbed my
attention.
A boy. A very small boy was shivering below me. He looked nearly blue. If he
stood out in the cold any longer I was sure he would be mistaken for an ice
sculpture in no time.
"Tch. What are you, an idiot? Go home." Stupid kid. It was too cold to be
pulling pranks—maybe things changed since I was a kid, but when we played ding-
dong-ditch, we actually ditched.
A heavy (and quite surprisingly blunt) shove had forced the door open again
after I attempted to shut it behind me. Between his chattering teeth, I made
out a single, slurring word.
"Medicine."
I crooked my brow down at him. Very far down at him; the kid was ridiculously
short. Shorter than I was when I was a kid, maybe. Then again, I stopped
growing shortly after so I shouldn't tease too bad.
It was actually distracting to look down at someone. I didn't come into contact
with many kids; only dumb teenage punks that hit a growth spurt early in life.
It was interesting to engage in conversation at this angle—if you could even
call this a conversation. What the hell did that kid say again?
"Please. Do you have any medicine?"
I shifted my weight onto one hip, boring into the boys glassy eyes that looked
about to shatter. After suspiciously trying to figure out why, I gave up and
asked, "Why you asking me for? Do I look like a fucking pharmacy to you?"
The boy's head had heaved back with bulging eyes, almost in awe at the tone an
adult figure used toward him, but he looked far too determined on this little
mission of his to let it faze him too long.
"Just give me some medicine! If you're going to say no like everyone else, then
don't waste my time anymore!"
If anyone was wasting peoples time, it was this stupid (and incredibly loud)
kid, but that's not the part of his words I latched onto. I replayed it in my
head before asking, "Why do you need medicine so badly?"
Honestly, it wasn't surprising that the kid got told no by others. Medicine was
expensive and this was the poor side of town. No one's going to give such
luxury items away for free to some random, snot-nose kid knocking on your door.
Even those with some to spare wouldn't give it away to a young kid. These days
even children, in this neighborhood at least, are into some hard drugs, so they
might think he's just trying to get high. For some reason, I didn't get that
impression about him, but I could be wrong.
"Why do you care? If you're not going to give me any, then I'm leaving." The
boy had tighten his fist, his chattering lips curling up in anger. He was about
to walk back up the steps, but turned back around slowly when I began to speak.
"Who said I'm not giving you any? But I want to know why—that's part of the
deal. Nothing's free, kid." I almost wanted to laugh at myself right on the
spot. Who was I to lecture kids? When I was his age, if I needed medicine I'd
take myself to the shop, take it right off the shelf, and leave. No exchange of
any kind required.
So it was a lie, many things are free if you're willing to steal, but there was
a sense of honesty in this kid, you can sense it in his alarmingly bright teal-
green eyes and I liked that in a way. He was still a rude prick, nonetheless.
The boy was looking down at his shoes, which were riddled in holes, dirt and
soaking from the wet snow. He looked to be gathering his thoughts because his
face went through a far range of emotions before he finally spit out, "My
sister is sick...and we can't afford a doctor. I think she might die tonight if
I don't get her some medicine."
Tears started swirling in his eyes. As much as I felt sorry for the kid and his
sob story, I prayed he wouldn't start bawling and screaming; that was one of
the many reasons why I detested children. Besides, my hangover wouldn't react
kindly to that kind of noise.
"Deals a deal, I'll give you some medicine. Come in—but take off your shoes
first." I gave him a stern glare, which seemed to be enough to make my point
across because he slipped out of his dirty shoes and set them neatly to the
side.
"Don't mind the mess." I said as I escorted him to the bathroom where the
medicine was stored.
"Whatever, I don't mind."
I hooked my head over my shoulder. "Well, you should."
"You just told me not to mind and now you're telling me I should? You're weird,
but I guess all old guys are."
This brat was getting on my nerves already and I just met him less than five
minutes ago. Unbelievable. If he wanted to help that damn sister of his so
badly, why was he being rude to the only person willing to help him?
"Excuse you, but I'm twenty-four. That's not old."
"That's really old. You lived two of my lives."
"I'm surprised a stupid kid like yourself figured that math out."
Based on that, he was twelve. A very annoying, rude and loud twelve year old.
It felt like a long time since I been his age. Maybe he's right, maybe I am
old. I was surprised he didn't argue back after I called him stupid, but
perhaps he knew he was. Hm, a stupid person who's smart enough to realize how
stupid they are. Fascinating.
I should be sleeping right now or numbing my senses with more booze, but no, I
welcomed this problem-child into my home.
…Why did I let him in my house again? Am I still drunk or—oh, right. Medicine.
Opening the cabinet shelf, (which was packed with enough drugs to put a clinic
out of business) I shuffled through the various bottles and wavered two in my
hands as I read the labels. "What do you need, exactly?"
The annoying kid decided to become more annoying by pushing his way into the
small bathroom. Peeking his big head around the door, he examined the contents
in the cabinet. "Why do you have so many pill bottles? Are you a drug dealer?"
My eyes widened, as if insulted, and I lashed at him with a phoney sounding
"no". How come I was able to convincingly lie to cops right to their face, but
not to a kid? Is it that child's 'innocence' clinging to me or something?
Gross, I want it off me.
"I bet you you rob people too."
"What makes you say that?" My voice tottered. I take it back, this kid was
sharp.
"You just look the type—even though you're really tiny compared to normal
adults."
"Excuse you, brat? If you haven't noticed, I'm taller than you."
"Yeah but I'm twelve. I'll get taller. What did you say your age was, forty?"
I hissed through my teeth. I hated this kid. What he's saying might be the
truth (other than the exaggeration on my age) but he doesn't have to be
disrespectful to an adult who's trying to help. Not like I was much of a grown-
up figure, but an adult nonetheless. At least when I was his age, I knew how to
respect adults—with the exception of authority figures.
"Do you want your fucking medicine or not? Go grab what you need and get out."
The kid had given me a face almost as deadly as my own as he ruffled through
the cabinet, knocking down a few bottles in the process. I wasn't too worried
about him stumbling upon something illegal—that was out of his reach (even mine
if I didn't have a stool nearby). All that remained on the middle and bottoms
shelves were strictly just medicine.
God knows why we have so much. It's not like we're running a fucking clinic
here. We did often get into brawls on the street; I guess painkillers and
sleeping pills were necessary. The drugs on the top shelf was self-explanatory.
As for the rest of the medication, I didn't know why we had it.
I held my weight up on the door frame, arms folded as I looked away from the
boy searching through the shelves. "We" didn't exist anymore, it was just me.
It would take time to get used to, but it wasn't pleasant to be reminded that
they were all gone again. How many more fucking times will I have to be
reminded that they were dead?
In need for a distraction, I peered at the boy who was reading the labels of
the bottles carefully, his brows were settled deep into his lids. He looked
like he was under an angry, clueless trance.
"Just tell me what's wrong with your sister and I'll tell you what she needs."
What was I, a fucking doctor now? I was just as clueless as the boy when it
came to medicine, but it was pathetic to see him studying the bottles so
carefully when I could probably find it much faster and have him on his own way
by now.
"I don't know, we can't go to a doctor, remember?"
"Then tell me the symptoms."
The boy finally looked away from the bottle and stared at me with the saddest
eyes. It took me back. Earlier I had said that being twelve felt like a long
time ago, but it felt closer than ever. I remember seeing eyes like that.
The boy took a second longer to speak, seemingly lost at where to start,
"...She hasn't woken up in a few days and she's done nothing but cough in her
sleep...and her breathing becomes so shallow that sometimes I don't think she's
breathing at all. Her heartbeat is slow, she has a high fever and does nothing
but shake. When she eats, she can't keep it down and—"
The boy trailed off, listing off ever little symptom in a confusing order. His
brain must be scrambled with worry for her, it was clearly written all over his
face.
Honestly, I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't know enough about illnesses
to help him pick out a medicine that would magically cure her—I didn't even
know if I had medicine to help her. As much as I hated this thought for coming
into my head, I really didn't think she had a chance of living much longer
based off what he told me.
"Where are your parents during all this? Are they at home with her now?" It was
the only thing I could think of saying without upsetting him, but I seemed to
do just that anyways.
His features flinched, then returned to looking aggravated. "It's just me and
Mikasa."
Mikasa. I could only assume that was his sick sister's name. It was an
interesting name, I never heard it before.
"So she's home alone right now?" Shit. Wait. Something just occurred to me. If
these kids didn't have parents; claiming it's just him and his sister, it was
safe to assume this kid didn't have a home. It was not a rare sight to see
homeless around here, but it was rare to see homeless children.
Now that I was looking closer at his tattered clothes and the twitch-worthy
dirt masking his skin, it all became clear. This kid came in from the streets.
No wonder his sister is so sick—if they are seriously out in this cold, I'm
surprised the both of them aren't dead.
This kid had a lot of tolerance to be the one fetching medicine while staying
in good health, but he also had pride—I could tell from the moment I seen him.
Therefore, I didn't want to bluntly confirm the guess of them being homeless in
fear of hurting his feelings (I'm not that much of an asshole). Instead, I
tried to get the answer from him another way.
I still couldn't believe what was about to come out of my mouth, but it did. I
didn't realize it at the time, but I was making a huge commitment.
"Wouldn't it be wiser to just bring your sister here? That way, I could see for
myself what's wrong with her and I can give her the right medicine. Then you
two should just stay here for the night—you know, just to make sure the
medicine definitely worked."
That wasn't a total lie, but the offer wasn't my true intention—based off the
boy's explanation of her sickness, I didn't need to see her condition, I could
have searched through the cabinet for something to aid the fever at least, then
send him on his way.
But...I had a feeling I wouldn't be able relax knowing there were two kids
freezing out in the cold. I been there, I knew how much it sucked. I knew the
type of depressing thoughts that ran into your head when you're huddled around
a small fire pit with no roof over your head. At least this kid had his sister,
I was alone when I was in his spot. In a way maybe it wasn't any better,
considering her condition.
The boy looked up at me and for the first time his features softened. He looked
even more stupid...but in a cute way. I refused to pull my eyes away until he
gave me an answer. He finally spoke, seemingly trying hard not to sound too
thrilled, but I could tell he was grateful.
"Is that...really okay?"
I nodded, feeling it wasn't necessary to repeat myself. If I did, I might
realize how ridiculous it was and change my mind.
The boy smiled and ran past me. "I-I'll go get her...!" By the time I made it
into the living to see him off, his smile faded.
"This...isn't a joke, right? You're not going to just lock the door behind me
and laugh when I come back?"
My brows spiked up. I know I could be a cruel bastard, but hell, I'd never do
that to kids, no matter how bratty they are. The fact he even had this fear
gave me a bad feeling in my stomach, and it wasn't last nights alcohol
disagreeing with me—him and his sister probably had a lot of false promises
given to them and lots of disappointment. I knew that feeling far too well. It
kind of comes with the package when you live that type of life.
My brows returned to their comfortable, low spot on my face as I said, "I'll be
here waiting. Hurry up."
I wasn't a miracle worker and I didn't intend on being a saint that made a
habit out of turning around kids lives that had it rough. Nothing could change
that, really. It life wanted to give you the shitty end of the stick, you can't
replace it with a nicer stick because if you do, it's just going to get shitty
again. Some things are meant to be, and some people never catch a break.
Sometimes, one—dare I say it—act of kindness could make a difference. Not that
I wanted to look at it that way, but as I seen it, life was shitty, but if you
put yourself around good people, it becomes a little more bearable.
It took him longer than I thought to come back. It was only after he left that
I realized I should have gone with him. If his sister is unable to move, then
that suggested he has to carry her here. The thought slipped my mind at the
time. All I could do was hope the small boy could manage on his own.
After I hearing what sounded like a solid kick on my door, I picked up the
coffee I had just brewed and unlatched the lock. I immediately backed up as the
boy carried in an unconscious girl that looked to be close to the same age as
him. I paid no mind to all the dirt and slush he tracked in from his shoes as
he walked across the floor and set her on the couch gently.
I took a sip of my coffee as I studied her. She had shoulder-length black hair
and pale white skin. It only took me a brief moment to realize these two
weren't related by blood; they didn't look alike at all—they didn't even share
the same race. The closest guess I could make is that she's Asian, even though
I couldn't be sure; I never actually seen anyone of that race in person before.
It was rare to come by, apparently.
The rising in her chest was almost unnoticeable. The boy was right, it was
almost like she wasn't breathing at all out of those chapped lips.
"I'll go get some blankets." She was cold, I could tell from her shivering. Her
clothing was hardly appropriate for this season, but two honest kids like them
rather be cold than steal a coat for themselves. Not me, though. When I was out
on the streets, I got myself a fur coat some snobby bitch had draped lazily
over her shoulders (over her other fur coat, how tacky). It was ugly, but hey,
it was warm.
I cloaked the thick blanket over the small girl all the way up to her cheeks
and almost immediately some color returned to her face. After tucking her in
tight, I spun around with another blanket in hand.
"Oi, brat." Unlike the way I carefully placed the blanket on Mikasa, I threw
the other blanket over the boys head. "Wrap yourself up, I don't need two sick
children in my house."
Without adding any rude comments, he actually obeyed and took a seat on the
edge of the cushion beside his sister. It was pretty cold in here since I
hadn't put the fireplace on in well over twenty-four hours now, so there was an
evident chill in the room.
While I was tending to getting the pit lit, the boy walked over to me as I was
kneeling over, still trying to get the damn thing burning. Usually I never took
this job because it involved ash and getting it on you, but I had little choice
right now.
The boy was watching me struggle for a while until I finally managed to make a
fire. His body and head were wrapped in the blanket as he spoke in a whisper,
"Why are you being so nice to us?"
He studied me; the flickering of the freshly lit flames danced on his features
that suddenly shifted. "…You...You aren't a child molester, right?"
". . . . . ."
"Oh God, you are, aren't you?" The whisper in his voice was only a memory now.
"You're probably going to kill us after you're done too! I knew this was too
good to be true—it's the perfect crime for a thug like you, you know no one
would go looking for us!"
Well, thanks kid. I didn't know I had that creepy child molester/murderer vibe
going for me. That boosted my confidence, really. Hell, if it wasn't me who had
taken them in, another person might have taken him up on that idea and after
being assured they wouldn't get caught.
Dumb fucking kids these days.
My knees pulled me back to my feet, I towered before the boy again and sighed
lazily. "Nah, but I might hold you to it in a few years, minus the killing part
of course."
"W-What?! What is that suppose to mean, you pervert!"
I put my finger to my lips, a silent gesture to hush the boy. My eyes were
fixated on Mikasa as she stirred in her sleep. It looks like teasing the brat
disrupted her sleep (but in all fairness, he was being loud first with his own
stupid assumptions).
"We need to get her something for her fever, then we can work from there." I
said.
A fever could cause a lot of nasty symptoms. If we managed to at least get rid
of that, then we can try to fix what else was wrong with her. Besides, fevers
were the easiest to fix because I knew which medicine would take care of that.
Coming back with a bottle in hand and a glass of water, I bent down and lifted
her head up a bit. This might be difficult. I feared she would choke if I just
slipped a pill and water down her throat while she slept. Yeah, that definitely
wasn't a good idea.
While I was figuring out the most efficient way to do this, her eyes slit open
only slightly.
"Where is Eren?" There was panic in her voice. Her head shook weakly side to
side as she searched over the unfamiliar space.
"Eren? ...Is that you?" I looked up at the boy standing beside me.
"Yeah—I'm here Mikasa. Don't worry. This guy is trying to help you. His name
is—uh, what's your name?"
"Levi." I said it to Mikasa, even though Eren was the one who asked.
"Do you think you'll be able to swallow some medicine?" I asked.
Looking between Eren and myself as she considered the idea, she winced. "I'm
not sure if I'll be able to hold it down."
That's right—Eren had said she can't swallow anything without her body
rejecting it. Then again, they were likely eating spoiled and gross, unwanted
food on the streets, even I wouldn't be able to stop myself from hurling.
Maybe if I offered her light and unexpired food, her body wouldn't refuse it.
Besides, it wasn't a good idea to take pills on an empty stomach. If she had
stomach pains already, it was bound to be much worst afterward.
"I'm going to make you something to eat."
With a bitter expression, she shook her head once again. "If I can't swallow a
pill, I won't be able to swallow food either."
"Well then, we'll just have to test that. If you puke, then oh well. I have
plenty of cleaning supplies to clean it up, it's not a big deal. It can't hurt
to try." I tried my best to sound nonthreatening to the girl, but she still
shrunk back a bit on certain rough syllables. It couldn't be helped, that was
the way I spoke. I'm used to having to sound intimidating. If I didn't, I
wouldn't have gotten as far as I am today—not that my current life was
something worth boasting about.
Once I made it into the kitchen, my eyelid and lip twitched. It was a mess.
What the hell? How many times did I have to tell those guys to clean up after
themselves?
I massaged my temple. Right, they're dead. Got it.
"What's wrong?" Eren, who was for once not as loud, had crept into the kitchen
a little while after me, the blanket now hanging a little off his shoulders.
"Nothing, I just forgot to clean up."
Eren took a moment to look around, "I just noticed this, but you're
a really messy person."
My neck lashed over to him so fast I'm surprised it didn't keep going and do a
total 360. I snarled. "I am not a messy person. The complete opposite, mind
you. I just used to live with messy people."
"Used to? Where are they now?"
Setting my hands up on the counter, I supported my weight and tried to hide the
fib in my tone. "They moved out."
"They probably left because you're so messy."
"I'M NOT MESSY."
Eren shrank back. Judging from his features, he was finally convinced that no,
I am not a fucking messy person.
"A-Anyways...What do you plan on making for Mikasa?"
Finding my composure again, I took a deep breath. "I don't know—what about
soup? Isn't that the ideal meal everyone wants when they're sick?" Honestly, I
wasn't sure. For one, I rarely got sick because I wasn't germy or stupid enough
to go out in the cold too long. And secondly, I couldn't recall if mother or
father made me soup when I was sick, but I've been told that's a normal thing
parents do.
"Well something hot might be good for her. And she wouldn't have to chew, which
is a plus."
And with Eren's words, it was settled. I had the urge to clean up a little
before I got started, but who knows how long that would go on for. Tidying up
always became an all-day-spring-cleaning-event when it came to me. It was
better to hold it off and not keep Mikasa waiting too long.
I thought I'd keep it simple and just heat up some broth. It wouldn't be much
of a meal, but I didn't want to overwhelm her stomach with unnecessary
ingredients so I kept it as that. In the corner of my eye while I was stirring,
I caught Eren starting back and forth between me and the stove.
"...What?" For some reason, him studying me as I cooked gave off the impression
I was doing something wrong. I wanted to speak up before screwing up further.
"Oh, no. Nothing. It's just been a long time since I saw someone cook. I used
to watch my mom cook all the time—she'd always promise that when I was older
she'd teach me and Mikasa how but—" he stopped there and it left a bitter-sweet
expression on his face.
I returned my attention back to the pot. "Not to pry, but what happened to your
parents?"
By the time I looked at him again, his face struck with absolute horror, as if
a tragic memory had invaded his mind. I realized my mistake.
"Sorry. Forget I asked."
"I-It's okay." He found enough of courage to continue, and I was surprised at
that. "Not many people take the Titan breach that happened in the Shiganshina
District seriously around here, but it did happen. Before coming here, that's
where I lived and it took the lives of many people, my mother included."
I remembered reading about it in the papers, but since Wall Sina wasn't under
any threat and was still protected by their own wall and Wall Rose, many people
tossed the news aside. I admit, I did too. I never met a survivor that came
from Shiganshina. Never would I expect for two young kids to make it out alive.
Being faced with Eren made that news much more real and for the first time I
found myself thinking how horrible it must have been for those who met their
end that way. And for those who did survive like Eren and Mikasa, they didn't
have it any better. That suddenly reminded me of something, but I couldn't
quite put my finger on it. I shook the sense of vague déjà vu off.
I intended to be careful with my next words, but it came out rather brusque.
"And your dad... same deal I suppose."
Much to my surprise, he waved his head side to side. "No, he might be alive.
The last time I spoke to him, he said he was traveling to the inner city. So
you see, he wasn't around when the breach happened. That's why me and Mikasa
came here to look for him, but it's been months now. We're no closer to finding
him than the first day we arrived."
"Hey, at least there's hope. If he was already gone by the time the Titan's got
in, then there's a good chance he's alive and around here somewhere. You just
need to look more thoroughly. I know this city like the back of my hand, so
maybe I could help you find him—here, take this to Mikasa, but careful, it's
hot." His face had lit brightly with an open smile right before he took the
bowl from my hands and headed into the living room with some pep in his step.
Sometimes people just needed to hear some positive news, even if it was just
empty hope—it's enough to cheer up the unfortunate in times of stress. It
didn't work on me anymore, but I knew others like Eren were gullible enough to
believe it, just like I was at that age.
After filling up another bowl, I rejoined Eren, who was holding a spoon up to
Mikasa's lips.
"Here, I'll feed her, just worry about getting something in your own stomach."
Eren stared at me and the bowl in my hands strangely for moment before taking
it slowly. "But..."
"But nothing. Eat. I'll take care of her." I sat beside Mikasa again and
hovered the spoon near her mouth. This was the only way she was going to get
something in her stomach; she was too weak to sit up and feed herself.
Bitterly, her lip scrunched just before opening her mouth, but miraculously,
she swallowed and after a few more mouthfuls it was clear she wouldn't be
puking anytime soon.
I'm a damn good cook, that's why.
The way Eren gulped down his share just proved my skill in cooking further. It
was more of a fact than a guess, but it was clear he hasn't eaten in a while.
Probably any food he did manage to salvaged was given to Mikasa, which she
probably ended up barfing up anyways.
"There's more in the pot, if you wanted seconds."
He thought about it for a second, then set his bowl down. "No, I'm good.
Thanks, though."
When Mikasa managed to shallow the last spoonful, I offered her seconds as
well, but she didn't want to take any chances and risk throwing up, so she
declined.
"I'll get your medicine, then."
Here I was caring for two children, like some kind of mother or something.
Gross.
I was surprised at myself to say the very least. Just the other day I was
beating up some asshole without a care in the world, and here I am now; absent
of my crew and tending to two snot-nose kids.
Sudden change certainly was weird. I'm used to the same old routine of getting
laid, high and violent with my best friends. Look what happened to me after one
day of being away from them. I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or kick my own
face in. I know those guys are laughing at me right now wherever they are—well,
as long as they're smiling I guess that's okay.
Returning with the bottle and cup, I saved Mikasa the trouble and slipped the
pill in for her and held the glass of water to her lips steadily as she drank.
"That should reduce your fever, but it might take a few hours to take effect.
Just try to sleep 'til then."
For the first time, I saw what could have been a smile (I wasn't sure really),
"Thanks. I'm glad Eren found someone so nice."
My heart stung a little from the comment. It felt like a false compliment that
I didn't deserve. I wasn't really that nice—it's just I wasn't a total
heartless asshole. There was a difference between the two. I just knew how it
felt to be in their shoes, that was all. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't be
so quick to help. I'm not a fucking charity case; this was likely a one time
deal and these kids were lucky it happened to be them.
There was a twinging pain in my head. It was then I remembered I had a nasty
hangover but I was thankfully distracted up until now to realize it. At me
holding my head, Eren spoke, concern in his tone, "Are you okay?"
"Yeah—yeah I'm just peachy." It wasn't convincing at all, so I changed the
subject, "You tired?" By the way his eyes were drooping, I already knew. It was
only going on nine according to my watch, but I had a feeling this kid didn't
get a good shut-eye in a long time. Trust me, I knew how hard it was to sleep
when you have to make sure some punk isn't going to stab you or if some perv is
going to have his way with you. Life on the streets was indeed rough.
"Come on, you can sleep in my bed." I didn't like the idea of some dirty kid
sprawling out on my mattress, but there was no way I was going to allow him to
sleep in one of the other two bedrooms. No way. It wasn't time to go in them
yet, and quite honestly I probably wouldn't go in neither of those rooms for a
long time.
"But where will you sleep?"
"I woke up not too long ago, I'm not going back to bed." I wanted to, but I
actually had some shit to do.
With a long yawn, Eren dragged his feet behind me to the bedroom and he looked
around the room curiously before he climbed up and found comfort. "It's a lot
neater in here."
"No shit. Now go to bed." Just as I was about to shut the door without another
word, a small voice halted me.
"Hey, Levi."
"Yeah."
"Thanks."
Deciding to end the conversation there, I shut the door behind me.
***** Notorious *****
Chapter Summary
     Adjusting to his new housemates and mourning the lost of his friends,
     Levi goes out binge drinking and encounters a lot of people he does
     not want to see, including a certain persistent Commander. The night
     ends on an ugly note.
It had been another shitty night and the only thing I managed to accomplish was
getting myself drunk again—which really wasn't helping with my current
situation. I intended to track down the bastard that had mercilessly killed my
crew, but it was beginning to look like a hopeless search.
I had nothing to go by, for one. We weren't what you'd refer to as
a gang exactly; there were only three of us, myself included. We didn't get
into enough trouble to attract negative attention. Other than a few morons that
had a harmless grudge against us back when we were successful in our dealings,
no one really wanted us dead.
Finding the motive behind these bastards deeds was impossible, and if I
couldn't find a motive, it would be harder to track them down.
I had a hunch, though. A crew in the North District had been giving us a heap
of trouble. It started out as friendly negotiating over which areas our
'business' could cover, but it got ugly fast, and it wasn't over the
trafficking, either.
They recruited us. The three of us thought it over for a while and agreed it
wouldn't hurt to be apart of a well-known gang. It might just be beneficial to
us, we thought. Within the next few days, we accepted the offer.
We ran with their crew for a few months, doing odd jobs here and there for
them, but we backed out when we were inquired about a rather risky job. We were
told if we did it, we'd get a big promotion and move up the ranks, but what
they asked us to do was utterly disgusting and undoable on our part. We might
have not been saints, but we had morals.
So, we politely declined in the end. However, the evil deed was still done.
They got together another group to replace us and went through with killing two
innocent people in the process of kidnapping their adolescent daughter. They
intended to sell her off as a sex slave to the perverts in the underground.
Rumor has it that she fought back and managed to escape, leaving a bloody
massacre behind. I think she had help, but the details were blurry. Anyway, we
didn't want to roll with trash like that anymore and gave our two-week notice,
so to speak.
Maybe it caused a blemish in their ego, but while a member of my crew was
walking back to our hideout, they beat the ever-living shit out of her, leaving
her deaf in one ear and blind in her left eye. It didn't stop there, either.
They kept sending people after us, but luckily they never figured out where we
lived, but there's always a possibility.
After a few weeks of fighting back and kicking their ass left and right, they
stopped coming after us and we forgot it even happened over time. We managed to
get past it, but a feeling in my gut tells me it didn't end there, for whatever
fucking reason. So what, we didn't want to fucking roll with them anymore.
That's no reason to hunt people down.
They are the only ones I could think of who would want to hurt us. No one else
would go that far. Sure, we weren't the most likeable bunch on the block, but
we never bothered with anyone who didn't bother with us. Even when drama
stirred, it was settled fast and it was all in good fun.
So that leads me to my final conclusion; it had to be those North District
bastards doing.
Sleep weighed heavily on me as I walked through the door, a cigarette perched
lazily between my lips. After about the tenth shot, I completely forgot that I
had two kids back at my home waiting for me, so when I walked into the living
room, I was startled to see them both sitting up on the couch. (More surprised
to see Mikasa sitting up than anything.)
"Hey..." Eren spoke unsure, panning his eyes over my wobbly posture. Mikasa was
looking down at her lap and she didn't seem like she would look up anytime
soon.
Too lazy for hand gestures, I nudged my chin in her direction as I cornered my
eyes on Eren. "Is she feeling better?"
Eren checked on her before to be certain of his answer, "Yes, she's not great,
but she's doing much better."
"Great. Well, I'm going to bed."
Eren tilted his head my way. "Bed? But it's six a.m..."
"Thanks for the time, you saved me the trouble of checking my watch."
"You're kind of weird, you know." The playful tone masked his rude remark, but
I still caught it.
"Shut it, shorty." After damping out my cigarette, I headed toward my bedroom.
But before complying with the bed calling my name, I hooked my head back for a
final word with him. "Feel free to help yourself with whatever you need. And
please, take a bath. A long bath. With lots of soap. If Mikasa doesn't feel up
to taking one, give her a sponge-bath or something. If you're going to cook,
don't burn the kitchen down. More importantly, clean up after yourself."
Eren blinked a few times as his tiny brain absorbed my slurring words. He
jerked his head up and down, then removed himself from the couch and approached
me.
Slouching with a sigh was all I could do as I stood there waiting for him to
speak. What now? I just wanted to sleep.
"I don't understand, don't you want us to leave? I thought last night was a one
time thing."
Stupid kid was being stupid again. Why would I bother letting them stay in the
first place if I was just going to throw them out to the dogs the next day? The
thought of keeping kids around me really dug under my skin, but so long as Eren
kept his voice down and Mikasa kept doing what she's doing, they weren't too
bad. Not great, though, never.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll let the two of you stay here until you find your
father, but in exchange, I want you to clean the entire house, top to bottom
until it's sparkling—with the exception of the two back bedrooms, don't touch
them." It was a fair deal. I really couldn't muster up the strength to clean up
after my fallen friends for the last time, so getting a kid to do the task for
me saved me the trouble.
"That's...really all you want?" The kid looked stunned, but there was pure
gratitude highlighted on his features.
"Yeah, now get to it. Cleaning supplies is under the sink." With that, I
stumbled into my room, crashed into my bed and my swimming head drifted me to
sleep.
Again, I woke with a start. My eyes latched open upon hearing a sudden clatter
and it was my first instinct to reach for my pistol from my nightstand draw.
But before grasping it fully, reality returned to me (thank god). It was a good
thing I realized before stomping out, guns blazing.
My friends were gone, but strangely, I was still sharing this home with other
occupants. For whatever fucking reason. I suppose I did know why I was keeping
those kids here, but it was still odd to be introduced with that side of
myself.
Instead of going on a drowsy rampage, I dug through my draw and changed into
some clean clothes; a white button up blouse and a pair of black, tight-fitting
slacks. I finished off the outfit with a black blazer.
With a cigarette lit, I slogged out of the bedroom and my nose caught onto the
familiar scent of chemicals and artificial fragrance. A calming sense came
through me when I noticed the living room was back to its tidy state. It wasn't
as clean as I would have made it, but sanitary nonetheless.
Heading toward the kitchen—after passing by the sleeping young girl on the
couch—my nose caught onto another scent, an appetizing one.
The boy was too distracted by his task of carefully cutting up vegetables to
notice me approaching. Thankfully, he didn't chop his finger off with the knife
in hand when I startled him with my extempore. "That looks good."
From the looks of it, he was making a homemade stew and I was surprised he
managed to make anything with whatever ingredients were laying around, I know I
wouldn't be able to. I rarely went grocery shopping myself. That task was
usually left up to my crew. They were far better in the kitchen than me
anyways, it was wisest to leave them in charge of preparing meals.
I wasn't a terrible cook; I knew a thing or two about putting ingredients
together, but when you have two skilled cooks in the house, there's little need
to cook for yourself. Though, it seemed I would soon have to get used to taking
over that duty.
"Are you hungry? It'll be done soon."
I wasn't, really. But it's been a while since I ate. The only substance fueling
me lately was alcohol. I was sure all that harsh liquid I managed to shallow
had ate away at some of the lining in my stomach and aged me internally a few
years.
In the end, it wasn't a terrible idea to eat a proper meal. Though, I wasn't so
sure how a meal prepared by a twelve year old would taste, but it would be rude
to cook something else when he already went into the trouble of making enough
for everyone. "Sure, I'll have some."
I took a moment to judge the state of the kitchen and it was nearly spotless.
Notice how I said nearly. The kid did good, though. I shouldn't be picky.
"Sorry if I woke you up."
"Nah, I needed a wake up call anyways. You did good, by the way. Thanks for
cleaning."
The praise sent a wave of relief over him; the tension in his body held prior
was perhaps due fear—fear he wasn't going to amount up to his side of the deal.
Even if he didn't, it's not like I would throw him out over it. Repeat my
orders was all I would have done. The fact that he obeyed me the first time
told me he wasn't as disrespectful as I originally assumed.
"How's Mikasa doing?" Before I came into the kitchen, I saw her out pretty cold
and couldn't tell what her current condition was just by looking.
"Much better. She was even able to hold a conversation earlier." He took his
attention away from minding the pot as he looked up at me, a serious expression
taking over his face. "She might not seem like it, but she really appreciates
everything you're doing for us. She likely would be dead right now if it wasn't
for you. I can't thank you enough, Levi."
There was no reply I could give. His face was filled with so much gratitude and
I felt unworthy to receive such kind words. All I did was give her some damn
medicine and a place to stay. I wasn't doing anything that inconvenienced
me that much. Any idiot with a tiny bit of heart could have done the same.
Unless this world gotten so shitty that such gestures became a rarity?
The thought made my stomach turn, but luckily it didn't destroy my appetite.
The kid actually wasn't a terrible cook. I could only assume he learned a thing
or two from watching his mother.
Mikasa was able to eat on her own today, and as Eren and I made simple small
talk, it occurred to me that she wasn't much of a talker. I liked that about
her, though. Not that I disliked Eren for being the more chatty one. As I see
it, if you got something to say, say it. Don't hold that shit in, it'll only
leave you with regrets in the long run.
I finished my share before the kids and their eyes followed me curiously as I
headed toward the door. "Well, I'm out. Just remember to give her another dose
after she's done eating. She's do for another."
"Ah...right. I will—I guess you'll be back in the morning?"
I gave a simple nod and left.
 
                                      ~x~
The walk down the cobble stone road was a cold one, and I half-regretted not
wearing a thicker coat, but I didn't intend to go to the usual hellhole bars I
normally dwell in, so I had to look half-way decent.
It wasn't like I wanted to sit around and drink with a bunch of prunes, but
I've been kicked out of my two favorite bars in the past two days and felt
hesitant to return. I didn't want to be banned for life, so I wanted to get
over my self-pitying drinking binge before I returned back to the casual
atmosphere.
The place I was heading to wasn't what I'd call close, but it was walkable. The
further away from my neighborhood I went, the more the setting around me
changed. Unlike where I'm from, people stagger around all hours of the night,
laughing drunkenly as they hit on girls looking for a good time. But here, the
air was different. It was stuffy and irritating.
There was a few couples I passed that looked to be out on an evening stroll. It
pissed me off at how much make-up and jewelery these women wore. You're going
on a fucking walk, not the opera house. Tame it the fuck down, you old hags.
Great. I was getting bitter before I even got a single drink in me. This was
surely going to be a swell night—and when I say swell, I mean there were
regrets about to be made.
Flicking my cigarette in the street, (which apparently wasn't very well-
mannered of me judging by the gasps from passerby's) I opened the heavy door
that led me into a refined joint that was a few watts brighter than I'd like it
to be. Bars weren't suppose to be this damn bright, but then again, most of the
guest here probably didn't intend to get piss drunk like I did.
My stroll to the bartender was stalled almost immediately by a server: a man
that I can only describe as having a big, thick, ridged stick up his asshole.
The man inspected me with judgmental eyes, his filthy hand still halting me in
place. "Terribly sorry...sir, but we don't allow your kind in here."
The way he looked down at me like I was some meaningless ant pissed me off. In
his defense, I guess he had no other choice but to look down at me, but that
was besides the point. The point was I was going to fucking punch him.
I probably would have, then made my exit as I left behind the guest gasping at
my animistic behavior (at least they would have something to talk about other
than money), but a voice had traveled across the room from the bar.
"He's with me. Don't worry, I'll make sure he behaves himself."
When I couldn't put a face to the familiar tone, I searched through the crowd.
When I found that stupid smile directed at me, I frowned with a roll of my
eyes.
The stick must have loosened in the servers ass a bit because he finally let go
of me and left my sight. I wanted to turn around and leave, even though I was
technically welcomed here now because I was in no mood to talk to blondie over
there. But screw it. The vast collection of booze behind the bar was calling my
name.
The place was packed. More packed than the bars I'm used to hanging out in
where I'm usually the only conscious one as a lowlife or two was passed out on
his stool.
Due to the crowd, I only seen one seat available and I was forced to take a sit
next to him—him being a guy that goes by the name of Erwin Smith. I hated his
name, I hated that he looked more like a sculpted statue than a human, hated
how tall he was, I hated his oblivious attitude toward me, and I hated how he
tried to talk to me every chance he got. This man wasn't one to waste
opportunities, that was for damn sure.
His uniform had different patches than the men seated at the table behind me:
full of Military Police pricks. I noticed them before taking a seat and they
all sent me wretched glares. I recognized some of them, you can't possibly
forget such ugly faces. I had my fair share of run-ins with them. Not that the
fights between us was anything close to fair.
Since Erwin was still in uniform, I can only assume he just returned from a
mission from outside the wall. I wondered how many of his troops died this
time. Given the fact he was smiling, probably under a dozen. Congrats, asshole.
Erwin cradled his mild drink in hand as I ordered a strong shot to start off
with. He didn't look my way since I sat, and didn't even as he began to speak,
"Couldn't help but notice you look a little more pissed off than usual tonight.
What happened?"
Did he really want to go there? Because I don't think he wanted to. After a few
drinks, my lips might just get loose and he might just regret offering his ear.
Right now, though, I was far too sober with barely enough energy to lift the
glass to my lips. My business was none of his concern anyway.
I declined in only the most respectful way I could think of. "Fuck off."
Chuckling into his glass, he said, "Friendly as ever, I see."
"And you're still an asshole."
"Am I? I thought I was a nice guy." he gulped down the last of the contents of
his drink.
"No, you're not, because I know what you're about to ask me. And you know how
much it pisses me off—but c'mon, let's get it over with. I know you're dying to
say it."
He finally took a good look at me and I scratched irritatedly at the prickly
stubble on the back of my head at the words pending on his lips. I already knew
what he was about to say, and it made me hate him that much more.
"All right. Might as well mention it since you insisted so eagerly—so, have you
changed your mind? You know, about joining the Survey Corps." He knew the damn
answer already, I could tell by the way he asked with next to no confidence in
his voice. This makes it, what, the fifteenth time? No, I think it was close to
twenty now.
"Leave me alone about that already. Find some other idiot that wants to throw
his life away." Not that I wasn't throwing my life away now. I left no mark in
this world and just like my fallen friends, when I died I wouldn't be
remembered. Just another poor bastard that came and went and walked the earth
with no footprints left behind.
People like us just weren't meant to be remembered.
Exhaling deeply, he leaned back a bit in his stool, "You know I always have to
ask when I see you. It's just a form of greeting at this point. I think you'd
make a good soldier, you might even have the potential to be the best. Well,
anyways. The offer always stands if you change your mind."
Me—the best? I laughed out loud, managing to pull out a confused expression out
of Erwin, I don't think he ever saw me laugh before, or smile even. He looked
frightened. It was a rare sight and it made me laugh even harder.
I was too drunk to be embarrassed at how drunk I got, and at how fast. That was
probably the only benefit of having a smaller body: small body means less booze
needed to get shit-faced, less booze means more money in my pocket.
I wondered for a moment how much it would take to get someone like Erwin drunk.
There probably wasn't enough of liquor in this whole place to get him shit-
faced. Well, it was an interesting thought as it lasted. I'd have to store that
idea somewhere in my mind because I fully intended on finding out how he acts
while drunk one day.
Erwin was the only one keeping the conversation alive at this point and with
every added ounce of booze that entered me, I minded less and less. He wasn't
terrible company as long as he shut his mouth about the Survey Corps and I
became quite chatty when the topic interested me. We actually managed to make
decent conversation.
I ended up telling him about the kids back at my house. He laughed (and laughed
some more) at how I had become a mother while he was away. I nearly punched
him, but I probably would've missed his stupid face in my current state.
"Well, you're full of surprises, as always. But this was the biggest shock yet,
I admit. Good to see you're keeping yourself busy. Any other big news you feel
like sharing?"
My mind reminded me of an unpleasant sight. Erwin took notice of my facial
change. "It's not good news, I suppose."
I held my heavy head up, which was weighing down with bad memories as I spit
out, "You know that crew that used to tag along with me? Well, they're gone."
Oh boy, my lips were indeed getting loose like I predicted.
"Gone? Did you have a fight or something?"
"They're dead." I said bluntly, and Erwin took a long while to answer.
"Dead? How'd that happen?" He looked even more shocked now than when I told him
about the kids. He wasn't close to them or anything, he just happened to make
awkward conversation with them when he would come over or when he'd run into us
on the street.
"I don't even know for sure, but they were murdered a few blocks away from my
place. Fucking bastards." My teeth gridded just thinking of the faceless
culprits. "I'm going to fucking kill them as soon as I find them. Mark my
words, Erwin."
Taking an unsteady breath, he leaned close to me. "I'll do anything in my power
to help you track them down. I'll make sure they get the punishment they
deserve, but just don't do anything reckless in the meantime."
As fucking if I could depend on other people. Shit like that never ended well
in my favor.
Forgetting that there was a table of Military Police behind me, I blurred out
in a drunken slur, "What can you do? You're outside the wall most of the time.
And those Military Police are fucking useless pricks."
I heard gawky shuffling behind me and chairs being pushed aside in a vexed
rage, "Whacha say about us, you little shit?"
"Ugh."
I could tell from the moment I walked in they were just itching to pick a fight
with me, and I unintentionally just gave them a reason to approach me. I took
my time in swiveling around to face them. After a steady gulp, I twisted around
and propped my elbows up on the counter. "I said the Military Police are
fucking useless pricks. Would you like me to write that down for you, too?"
One of the man's faces twisted in rage. All I could think was, wow, he actually
was capable of making himself even uglier.
"I'll show you how useless we are—I should arrest you right now! I know you
have something illegal on you. I'd be doing the community a good service by
throwing away trash like you!"
"I don't have anything on me, unfortunately, but I'm sure that wouldn't stop
crooked bastards like you from planting something on me. Am I right?"
Now all three of the men's faces were warped in fury. Erwin put his palm on my
shoulder in an effort to take me out of my angry trance, "That's enough, Levi.
We should just go."
I wasn't nearly as drunk as I wanted to be because when Erwin called my name, I
still knew it was addressed to me. If I remembered my own name, I wasn't drunk
according to myself. That's just how I seen it.
Erwin was paying both our tabs and was likely intending to get me out of here
fast before trouble started. I took the wordless advice and started heading
out, but not before that jackass spun me around; his spit flying at me as he
screamed, "We're not done here, you little runt!"
"You really make the most stupidest expressions." With patience long since
gone, I lodged a solid kick into the mans shin and on his way down to cradle
his new throbbing pain, I swiftly kicked my knee into his face—judging from the
sound, I broke his nose, he now was out cold on the floor.
It was a damn shame, too. I thought he'd be more fun than that.
Adrenaline pumped through me as the two other men came staggering my way. I
sent one of them flying into the stools Erwin and I just left, he toppled over
them sloppily as the other one came at me. This one looked like he was going to
be a challenge. About damn time.
With full force, he came at me, a fist coming too fast to dodge came toward me.
He managed to punch me in the mouth—which was surprising.
"Not bad."
The man only became more furious from the calmness in my voice and how
completely unfazed I was by the punch he landed by sheer luck.
Whether it was good or bad, I wasn't sure, but I didn't feel pain when I
fought. It came to me afterward, of course, but I always got the upper-hand
because I didn't stop to tend to or put pressure on a newly made injury in the
middle of a fight. Most people might think it's good to have pain tolerance,
and it was, but sometimes I couldn't determine how far I was going and how much
damage I was taking until it was too late to reverse it.
"Levi!" Erwin cried out almost in desperation to remove me from my provoked
trance and it actually worked because I suddenly grew bored. I twisted my heel,
about ready to leave, but not before giving one final kick in the gut to the
man behind me. From the brute force, he gasped patheticly and I left with a
friendly wave to the cowardly server.
***** Passion *****
Chapter Summary
     Levi goes to Erwin's house to get cleaned up...just so he could dirty
     himself up again. Later, he's asked a strange question by Eren.
Chapter Notes
     Thanks for reading this far! Here, let me reward you with a lemon~
"You know, you really need to find some self-control."
"Stifle it, Erwin." I was barely able to concentrate on keeping my legs moving
steadily with my vision warping as it was. I'm in no mood for his added
commentary right now. Plus, I literally just got punched in the mouth, I didn't
need him discouraging my behavior like he's my damn mother.
"Why are you following me anyways?" As I spoke, some blood spit out. I wiped it
away and inspected the smudge it left on my hand. Some of it unfortunately
trailed down to my white blouse, leaving a crimson stain. "Gross."
"You got clout pretty bad. I'm surprised he got you all, honestly." Erwin had
seen me in fights a few times before. He'd try to do the proper thing and break
it up, but before he could, my opponents were already out cold or run away
screaming. Perhaps this was why he saw potential in me—enough to constantly
urge me into joining the Survey Corps. Any moron that knows how to defend
himself knows how to fight, though. My combat methods were nothing special.
"Give me a break, I'm fucking drunk."
"I could tell. Listen, why don't you stop by at my place quick and get cleaned
up. Those kids you got home would be terrified if they seen you walk in looking
like that."
He made a valid point. Blood was all over me and it wasn't just for the kids
sake—I wanted this shit off me right now and Erwin lived close by, where I had
quite a ways to go until making it back home.
"Yeah, alright. You better have booze though."
"Sorry, I don't keep any in the house."
"You're so lame."
"I know, you remind me all the time."
I never been inside his house before, but I passed by a few times. Erwin had
given me his address a long time ago while giving some sappy speech about "ever
needing him" or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. But
I never took him up on the offer. For one, I didn't see any need because I
didn't need him for anything. And secondly, he was lame, why would I want
to willingly hang out with someone like that?
After a brief inspection of his home, I turned to him boldly and decided to cut
to the chase. I had no time to waste beating around the bush or being shy. "You
invited me back here to fuck, didn't you?"
Erwin looked appalled. My words were enough to stun an elite soldier. Not bad.
It quickly became clear from that expression alone that my assumption was
wrong, but I still wanted to play with him a bit more. "Come on, with all those
sweet nothings you were saying to me at the bar and how you paid my tab—you
clearly want to get laid. The gentlemen side of men only comes out when they
want some."
"That isn't true, I'm like that with everyone."
"Oho, I didn't know you were so promiscuous—and so open about it too."
"Wha—? No. Levi, I'm serious."
"Yeah I know, you're a pushover. How about you announce it a little louder."
I never could understand his roundabout way of doing things. Maybe it wasn't
his first intention to bring me here to fuck tonight, but it wasn't like we
were strangers to the idea. We've had sex before, quite a few times now that I
think about it. Don't ask me why I got myself into this affair, I have no
fucking clue, but it started and I'm not the type to quit unhealthy habits
easy. Call it an obsessive personality, if that helps paint a better picture.
Other than the fact I couldn't stand him, there were a few notable things about
him I did like. Most of which were hidden under the clothes, so I'll just leave
that part up to the imagination.
One night, I had been under the influence of enough substance to give me the
bravery of a thousand men and I made the offer. Wearing a pokerface, I just
blurred out (if I recall correctly), "Can I ride your dick?"
Recalling the memory made me cringe.
Erwin didn't even think it over. He hopped right onto my proposition (and he
happened to be the sober one at the time). Well, really, I hopped on him, but
eh, details. It was considered a mistake on my part at the time, but the
mistake kept recurring. I'm in too deep now to back out anymore. But it wasn't
a problem. If something feels beneficial and good to me, I go for it and that's
exactly what I get when Erwin and I got intimate. But he had an annoying habit
of acting like it never happened the next day and I was forced to play along.
Was that even normal? I didn't know, I never been in a healthy relationship
before.
Not that we were in one. God, no. Never. And it sure wasn't healthy
either—whatever you wanted to call what was going on between us. Erwin was
married to the Survey Corps and I was too much of a fuck up to manage a
relationship. Not that I even wanted one.
It never would work between us on an emotional level. This affair we had going
on between us was entirely physical.
It was a nice change of pace from some of the other lowlives I slept with
(which were mainly mistakes, mind you.) He had that nice guy thing going for
him, meaning he wasn't over the top with distasteful kinks. You can't let that
gentle nature fool you too much, though. He was capable of getting rather
rough. Usually that only happened when his life had handed him a lousy hand.
It became a silently established routine for us to have sex after he got back
from a mission. If the trip went well and he only lost a handful of men, the
sex was gentle, passionate even. But when the mission was a complete failure,
Erwin would put his stress into his thrust and I'd barely be able to walk the
next day.
For some reason though, I never complained about that. And I really like to
complain, but I didn't. We all had our own ways of coping with stress. If he
wanted to fuck me senseless on a bad day, then go at it. Have fun. In a way, it
helped me cope with some shit too. Everybody wins.
Admittedly, I wanted to fuck him here because it was new to me. Exciting even,
you could say. We only ever did it at my place before (and an alleyway once,
but let's not bring that up). The thought of screwing in a new setting peeked
my interest enough to make the first move.
I wasn't one for foreplay, I liked to just get right into it. I knew Erwin
liked to mess around first by making out and all that other time-consuming
shit, but I didn't. Besides, he was too fucking tall and I couldn't reach his
lips while we were standing as we were. Just before I got his belt undone, he
stopped me. I sent up a frustrated glare his way.
"Levi...Don't you want to clean up first?"
Shit. I forgot. I still have blood all over my face and clothes. Annoyed, I
gave a huff and found the bathroom without Erwin needing to guide me. It was a
simple one bedroom house from the looks of it. Only a moron would need help
finding their way. I supposed he didn't feel the need to upgrade to a larger
place due to the fact he lived alone and was barely home.
I ran the water until steam clouded the mirror and rubbed my face thoroughly.
Swirls of red descended down the drain and once it ran clear, I turned off the
faucet, flicked my hands over the sink and wiped the fog from the mirror. I
looked like total shit. I was always prone to having dark circles around my
eyes, but they were more prominent now. My skin was paler than usual too. I've
been sleeping well due to the devil's cup being my sleep aid, but the poisonous
remedy has really been taking a toll on me. My body was used to heavy amounts
of liquor, but I've been drinking weeks worth in on sitting. Or maybe I was
just trying to place the blame on something but I just naturally looked shitty.
Pushing my vacillation to the side, I turned away from the mirror and removed
my blazer and unbuttoned my shirt. I found little need to have a shirt on right
now because let's get real here, I was likely going to fuck Erwin tonight
anyways. I'd worry about cleaning it once I got back home.
I folded up my clothes and left them behind on the counter when I exited the
room, only to find Erwin removing his jacket in the bedroom right across. I
stepped in and he continued to remove his clothes wordlessly.
The room was neat and organized; not that I ever imagined him being a messy
person, but he is indeed busy. At least he managed to keep a clean house. I was
impressed to say the least.
The walls were glowing with a faint glow of orange. The flickering candles gave
way just enough of light to give me a decent sight. I sat cross legged on the
bed in front of him, admiring his body as the clothes dropped to the floor one
at a time. I rarely give compliments, and I'd likely never say this out loud to
him, but he had a nice body. Rock hard and defined was the best way to describe
it.
Another part of him became rock hard after removing his pants, because without
warning I took hold of a sensitive part. Under the firm grasp, he twitched
slightly and remained where he was, standing before me as I took him into my
mouth. Not all of it—I was still working up to the day I could. Let's just say
Erwin's build wasn't the only big thing about him.
To make up for the areas I couldn't simulate with my mouth, I stroked with my
hand where my lips couldn't reach. The flesh rubbing against my lips caused a
slight sting from the cut I received eariler, but I easily ignored it. It
wasn't long before he had his large hand tangled in my hair as moans through
gritted teeth escaped him. There was little need to bob my head into his groin
anymore because he moved his hips toward my mouth at a steady rhythm. With his
hands still enmeshed in my hair, he gently pulled back my locks to arch my
neck, just enough to restrict my gaze up at him.
Erwin had a fetish—if you can even call it that—for keeping eye contact,
especially when I sucked him off. Outside the bedroom he appeared to be a
normal, tamed gentlemen, but he was quite the pervert, believe it or not. A
pervert who got off with the sight of me staring up at him as his cock
penetrated my throat. Our sex was never boring, which was enough to kept me
craving this unhealthy system we formed.
His size had made me gag a few times, but I think that was another fetish of
his since he obviously rammed on the reflex on purpose. Maybe me gagging around
his dick felt good to him, who fucking knows, or maybe he just liked the visual
of hot tears steaming down my cheeks.
At least his kinks were mild. I couldn't stand those weirdo's that were into
role-playing or dressing up. I was in a rather rough spot a few years ago and
regrettable resorted to prostitution. One of my 'clients' wanted me to wear
some tiny, skimpy dress. Did I look like a fucking stripper to him? Well—maybe
I did, I don't know, but I kicked him in the nuts, stole his wallet and called
it a night. That was the night I learned exchange wasn't always necessary to to
get what you want.
Erwin seemed about to blow, but I knew he wouldn't be satisfied with finishing
in my mouth—I sure as hell wouldn't be either. He pulled out of me and before I
knew it, my pants were off and he was guiding my hips to nestle on top of him
after he had laid across the bed.
Yeah, Erwin was definitely in a good mood tonight. He never wanted me to ride
him when he wasn't. Control issues or something, but he wanted to be in power
when he was feeling shitty. As I rubbed my own stiff part against his, he had
reached for a bottle on the nightstand and lathered our areas together, making
quite the slippery mess. He ran his hands up my body and pinched at my nipples
as I pinned myself against his cock, and I soon found myself impatient from the
teasing. Readjusting my hips slightly, Erwin took a firm hold of my cheeks as
his throbbing hardness slid between.
We fucked raw a few times before, but it was an added bonus when some
lubrication was involved. I didn't mind the pain that came with humping dry,
but it made it easier for both of us to get that thickness inside when his
shaft was slick.
As he slowly stroked me, I drove him deep inside me. It wasn't long before the
pace quickened and that neat blond hair of his was in complete disarray.
Personally, I thought his hair looked better unkempt and wild, and that's not
something I think often. I didn't even mind when his whole body was under a
layer of perspiration. I couldn't stand him most of the time, but I had became
familiar with him and I didn't find such things as filthy. Not in the heat of
the moment, anyway.
I allowed myself to let out the faintest moan. It took a lot of willpower to
keep it at that. He needed to earn more reactions out of me. I wasn't teasing,
either, that's what he would've wanted. I kind of stumbled upon this idea one
night while we were together without realizing at first, but Erwin had yet
another kink. And that was: he loved seeing me squirm, gasp in pleasure and
moan his name, and he liked to earn it.
When it comes to me, it takes a while to get into that mood and I think that's
what formed the kink in the first place. I'm not the most expressive person in
the world—my face ranges from looking bored out of my mind to pissed off and
that was about it. But in bed, it was possible to pull more rare facial
expressions from me, assuming the person was skilled enough to please me.
I think it was the challenge that attracted Erwin to the kink—the challenge of
getting me to lose my composure and show him the rare sight of my face heated,
mouth panting and body shaking. It was a huge turn on for him. Not that he ever
told me this directly, but it doesn't take a scientist to figure out what a
man's desires are. They're simple creatures, after all.
He reeled me in, my body now laying on top of his as he took over and pumped
into me from below. My nails dug into his hard chest as my face slowly, to
Erwin's luck, twisted in arousal. That smug half-smile he gave pissed me off. I
closed my eyes to make it disappear as I took in the pleasure his cock was
giving me.
I let my jaw remain open, for I was too weary to keep closing it and reopening
every time I felt a moan building up in my throat. The sounds between us
amplified more and more after each thrust. His arms were wrapped around me
tightly, and it was a good thing too because I had little strength to keep
myself from slipping off his body at this point.
He nuzzled his forehead against mine, forcing me to look up at him and stare
into those dully-lit blue eyes before he asserted my lips. What was his deal
with kissing before, during and after sex? It was hardly enough to simulate me,
but he apparently liked it. I was left with little room to invade as his tongue
ravaged my mouth; our tongues twining as he pounded into me. I had to break the
kiss momentarily every now and again to catch a breath, but I'd return eagerly
and moan into his mouth.
Remaining where I was, I backed into his cock and took over the pumping, giving
Erwin a break. As I slid over his body, causing friction, my shaft erected
fully and it wasn't long before I had left traces of white drips on his
stomach. My teeth clenched at the never-ending orgasm and Erwin looked pleased
with my expression. Fuck him and his stupid smile. He was lucky his dick felt
good or else I'd punch him and leave.
But I didn't let that ruin the mood, I was still set on the job of getting him
off. The volume of his grunts blared and that was enough to tell me he was
close. I lifted my body and balanced my weight on my palms which were set on
either side of his head. I kept eye contact, knowing how much he liked that,
and quicken my pace further; my hips twirling around his hardness and bouncing
into his pelvis sent him over the edge.
He was the first to break the intimate staring contest, but only so he could
fling his head back and give out a roaring groan. That entire body of his
tensed up and loosened with a quiver.
His eyes returned back to mine but we lost sight of each other again as he came
in close for kiss. It wasn't as sloppy and needy as before, just a simple peck
and a quick suck on my bottom lip.
Letting out a few left over pants, my face returned to normal, but Erwin was
too busy riding out the rest of his orgasm to notice. I unsaddled his hips and
stood to my feet. Before I could flee, my arm was being tugged back in the
direction of the bed.
"...What." I said, my brow hooked. We just fucked, what else did he want from
me?
"Where are you off to so fast? You look tired as hell. Just stay over and get
some sleep." His eyes almost looked to be pleading, but there was no way I was
staying over here. We weren't a couple. We weren't friends. People who had our
relationship didn't have sleepovers and I really hoped Erwin was not starting
to misunderstand that we were strictly fuck-buddies. No, we weren't even
buddies. We just fucked, that's it.
"I'm going to bathe, then I'm leaving."
Erwin reluctantly let his hand slip off me. "That's too bad. It's pretty chilly
tonight so I was hoping I'd have someone to cuddle with."
My lip curled up at him "Fuck off."
Hearing him chuckling to himself as I exited the bedroom only pissed me off
more.
After cleaning up the aftermath of sex off my body, I gathered my clothes and
grudgingly went back into Erwin's bedroom, hoping he was already asleep. I
tried to silently slip my pants back on, but I learned something that night:
Erwin was a light sleeper.
"You can borrow one of my shirts, if you want. You know, so you don't have to
put the dirty one back on." Idiot, he didn't have to tell me, I was already
planning on helping myself to one anyways. Even though it was my own blood, it
was still gross to put a stained shirt back on. I headed over to his closet and
I could almost feel his eyes staring at my back as I searched.
"It might be a little big on you but—"
"Shut up, you damn ox." What was he, the commander of useless information? I
buttoned up the top and tucked it in so it didn't look too ridiculous on me and
then headed for the door.
"Well, I'll see you around, Levi." he said, exhaustion lacing his tone.
I looked back at him wordlessly a final time before vanishing from his line of
sight.
Unlike the past two nights, I got home at a decent hour before the sun rose.
Good, that meant I would get extra sleep before heading out tonight because I
did actually have something to attend later that evening. Astonishingly, it
didn't involve me getting drunk or laid.
After passing by Mikasa sleeping soundly on the couch, I arrived in my bedroom
and paused at the small body occupying it. Great, where the fuck am I suppose
to sleep, then? Usually I would get home early in the morning when the kids
would already be awake and ready for the day, but there was still a few hours
before morning came. Like hell I would sleep on the dirty floor, and I wouldn't
dare go into the other bedrooms.
...Oh well. Hope you don't mind sharing a bed, kid.
Eren didn't take up much space; he was tucked in snug on the far side of the
mattress. There was plenty of room that would separate us from being awkwardly
close. Just as my head hit the pillow, the small body beside me stirred.
"Levi?" The groggy, low voice said.
"Yeah, it's just me. Go back to sleep."
"You're home earlier tonight."
"Mhm."
Eren had shifted over to face me, his eyes were barely staying open as he
continued to bug me. "Where do you go at night?"
"None of your business."
"Thought you'd say something like that. You probably just do thug-related
things anyways."
My eyelid twitched. "Why do you keep referring to me like I'm some lowlife
gangster?" Not that I was above the title, but still.
"I don't know. Hey, Levi, can I ask you something kind of random?" Now that he
scooted up into a seated position, I knew I didn't have the option to refuse.
Fuck, he was chatty when he first got up, wasn't he?
"What do you think about the Survey Corps?"
My chest tightened, only because it reminded me of Erwin straight away and a
wave of guilt came over me—as if the kid figured out my affair with the
commander, but I knew that wasn't possible. Why would I care if he knew
anyways?
Ew, it was that child's innocence clinging to me again, wasn't it?
I answered his vague question, "I think they're useless. Why?"
"Huh? How can you think that?" His voice was no longer groggy, it was back to
its full volume. "They're the only people who actually care enough to travel
outside the wall and collect information about the Titans. I don't know how
people like that could be so useless."
I squeezed my temple. I was tired and my hangover was sneaking up on me already
and I didn't even sleep yet. Plus Erwin managed to, quite literally, drain me.
I was in no mood for this discussion, I rolled over. "Whatever you say. I'm
going to bed now."
Eren said it quietly, likely he was announcing it to himself. "I'm joining the
Survey Corps."
I twisted my head back to him and gave him a long, indecipherable stare. I just
wanted to judge his expression to see if he was serious—and based off the
provoked passion in his eyes, he was. He was dead serious.
"Don't. You'll just be throwing your life away."
"...What do you know? My mom...she said the same thing. At least I want to make
a difference and not live contently as livestock."
"Fine, then. Join the fucking Survey Corps, see if I care. Can I sleep now?"
How the hell did this topic come up anyways? And why?
"...Sorry. Forget I mentioned it."
I groaned in reply. The kid probably had some mental trauma after losing his
mother, maybe he was crazy, or suicidal, I don't know. I didn't really care,
either.
Or maybe, just maybe, this was a normal reaction. To want to fight something
that took away the one thing you cared about.
That thought was left simmering in my head. Like a spark ignited, I suddenly
figured it out—how Eren felt.
My friends were taken away from me and the first thing I thought of was killing
the culprits. Eren's life was ruined because of the Titan's, even his own
mother was taken away because of them. This reaction was normal. Well, normal
given the context of the situation. Eren wasn't a suicidal idiot that wanted to
throw his life away. Not at all. He just wanted to fight back; to win the fight
and not cower away from what he feared most.
Of course, fighting can't bring the dead back to life or restore all the damage
done, but it sure as hell beat sitting around doing nothing, being accompanied
by nothing other than your pessimistic thoughts. Fighting back had the ability
to restore some hope and settle ugly grudges that weighed down a persons
optimism. You can't move forward if you don't conquer those inner demons.
You'll just be stuck in the same place forever; a timeless loop of destroying
yourself and wasting your life in the progress.
I squirmed. This realization just ended up agitating me. I tried my hardest to
keep thoughts like this far away. Maybe this was why I developed so many bad
habits that slowly destroyed my brain.
As much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, there was no dismissing the
fact that Eren reminded me of myself—his situation was eerily similar to my
own. I can only hope he doesn't turn out like me and actually keeps that
promise about making a difference. We didn't need anymore deadbeats in this
world that were too afraid to fight the one thing they feared most.
Before I allowed petty memories to over-flood me, I set them aside and dived
into unconsciousness.
***** Work *****
Chapter Summary
     There is a difference between a stripper and an erotic performer and
     Levi will beat anyone who gets those terms mixed up. This secret
     occupation of his, however, might not be as well hidden as he thinks.
Chapter Notes
     This chapter was 100% necessary to move the plot forward. Yup, I
     didn't write this to fulfill any of my erotic fantasies about Levi at
     all. Nope, this is important stuff, guys.
There were a lot of things you unfortunately couldn't steal in life. If you
could, I would. Rent and bills for one couldn't be stolen, and you can only get
away with pickpocketing and robbing for so long before you get caught. That was
the last thing I needed. I never been to jail and never planned on attending.
Too filthy for my taste. I also heard the food was awful. Not to mention, I
would have to look at those Military Police pricks every day and I didn't even
want to imagine the type of sick fun they would have with me if I was trapped
in a cage.
What I'm trying to say is...I do have a job. Not a laborious, demanding one
like many men my age have but a job nonetheless. I hated it, I hated it so damn
much, but I was left with little choice. No other places would hire the likes
of me, probably in fear that I would steal from them (which I would, so it was
wise on their part). So no, not everything could be obtained freely like the
many other things in my life, some things required an exchange, unfortunately.
Given that I had some very expensive habits, dealing wasn't enough of an
income. There was a lot of lowlives around, but not all of them were addicted
to substance, or rather, their pockets wouldn't allow them to be. Also, some of
my regulars that guaranteed a steady income decided to sober up. Trafficking
left me with pocket change now, but where the money really was was where I
worked.
Not many people had money to spend on addiction, but every human being with a
sex-drive had money to spend on the thrill of cheap arousal.
In case it's too hard to figure out by now, yes, I do some erotic performing on
the side, no, I'm not a fucking stripper. Anybody who dared called me a
stripper would get my boot to their face. There was a difference. I didn't give
lap dances and I didn't let the costumers lay their grimy hands on me, no
matter how deep their pockets were. All they were able to do is watch me
perform—something I was exceptionally good at—and they gave me money for it.
Because of my reasoning, I didn't find it degrading, but I still hated it. I
hated it so much.
If I was alone, sure, it would be enjoyable. Not that I liked to dance—if you
can even call it that—but I was flexible and liked the workout it gave me. It
kept me in shape and I could easily get lost in my thoughts during a routine.
It cleared my head—call it a form of therapy if you would. The thing I hated
about it was being watched in what should be a private moment.
Whatever. It was only temporary. Just until the dealings starting picking up
their pace again. At one time, I was able to live comfortably off that, but
many decided to kick the habit. Well, please, someone start promoting drugs
again like they did back in my day so I didn't have to do this sort of thing in
public anymore. It was getting pathetic how I kept telling myself it was
temporary when this shit has been going on for months. My denial was starting
to latch onto a sense of rationality which made everything worse. It would be
beneficial to everyone (read: me) if people started getting doped up again.
Then, I wouldn't have to do this shit anymore.
Anyway—I was heading there now. I only worked on Friday and Saturday nights,
meaning I would have to go in tomorrow too. One would think it's ideal to only
work two days a week and make all the money I do. Unluckily for me, though,
that's when all the weirdos and perverts were out on the prowl.
The costumers here were mainly all closet homosexuals (many even married with
wives and children at home) meaning I never had to worry about them running
their mouth about me around town because if they shared that information, it
would suggest that they spent their free time in a male strip club. Not
that I was a stripper. I am not a fucking stripper.
Not even my fallen crew knew about this occupation of mine. I liked to keep it
a secret for obvious reasons—not that I often hid anything from them, but this
was the one aspect in my life I strictly kept personal. Thankfully, the job
nearly guaranteed my privacy, making it the only tolerable plus about working
here.
The men really got off on the military uniform for some reason, or a more
revealing version of it anyway. I guess it was the whole "man in uniform" kink
that got them going, I hadn't a clue why really, but that was basically the
only required uniform of the job, as ironic as it sounded.
I'd just wear the belt straps, minus a shirt underneath, and remove the jacket
along the way of my routine. I'd also wear boots that resembled the official
uniform, but mine had more of a heel to it. Not that I was hiding my height, I
just found it easier to perform with heels.
The white pants of the formal uniform were replaced with shorts (very short
fucking shorts), and that was a piece of clothing that would always stay on me;
that was my only rule.
The other guys that worked here showed a lot more skin than me, most even
getting completely nude, but believe it or not, I did have some dignity.
Besides, at the end of the night I always made more money. Just goes to show
that leaving a little to the imagination goes a long way. You'd think the
others would learn from my example by now, but I suppose they're just mindless
strippers without any other skills than shaking their ass. I
was completely above all of them.
It was almost my time to get on stage, but I remained in the backroom until
last minute, taking a few drags of my cigarette to steady any nerves. My ankles
were crisscrossed and propped up on the vanity. I tried to avoid the mirror,
but I still made eye contact with myself. Just like last night, I looked like
shit. Oh well, I didn't intend to impress those weirdos out there anyways.
Besides, the club was dimly lit, making it tough to catch the minor flaws in
others. And let's be real; these pigs weren't focusing on my face when I
performed.
Finally, my 'coworker's' show ended and I exhaled a swirl of smoke as I peered
at the disgusting guests occupying the club that would be witness to my
performance tonight.
My silhouette crept adroitly until I effortlessly leaped up the stage, if you
could even call it a stage. It was a small platform that barely gave enough
room for your feet with a ten foot pole centered in the middle. It sat just in
the middle of the club, that way the perverts can skirt the platform and get a
nice close view of the dancers.
I reached for the filthy and likely disease ridden pole as I reminded myself,
like I always do, to soak thoroughly after this ordeal was over with.
Fully intending to spin myself around enough so I couldn't tell what way was up
anymore, I took a firm grip and gave a kick off the ground to grant me
momentum. After a few rotations, my world around me became a blur of colors and
I could no longer perceive the eyes observing me.
That was the only way I got through this. While I was performing, I had to
forcible put myself in my own world, or else I would fail my routine and rush
off stage. In the back of my mind, I still knew there were eyes on me, only
because I had a keen sense of presence, but as long as I didn't stare at each
individual long enough to actually pick up on the quirks that made up their
ugly faces, I was fine.
With my hands traveling above me, I slithered down, bending and spreading my
legs more and more the further down I went. I bounced back up and went into a
twirl on the sole of my boot before backing my ass against the pole, bending
forward slightly as I arched my back.
Despite the cold weather outside, it was boiling hot in this club. This was
likely due to all the sweaty old men panting like dogs in heat. Especially
since I was the one working my body, the warmth was effecting me the most and I
came to the conclusion it was about time to remove the jacket. I tried my
damnedest to take it off in the most nonsexual way possible, but the action
still managed to attract those idiots and I was rewarded with shouts and
whistles. I cursed them under my breath bitterly.
Left wearing nothing but the tight straps over the top-half of my body, I
blocked out their ruckus and focused on balancing the weight of my body off the
ground with only the pole as my leverage.
Taking a tight hold, I invert my pose—all the weight of my body became trusted
in my arms behind my back, my legs were extended above me, giving the illusions
I was levitating. Slowly, I twisted my legs around the pole and I was free to
remove my hands. Gravity had pulled my hair downward, it fell loosely away from
my face.
With my arms relaxed now, I folded them boredly as I casually hung upside-down,
observing the blurry sea of faces starting at me. Perverts. Every last one of
them. I latched onto my cigarette that's been hanging from my lips and took
another drag. The cloud of smoke that escaped my mouth had satisfied me because
it fogged up my view of the faces surrounding me. Using only the muscles in my
abdomen, I crunched up until my posture was upright again and I discarded my
cigarette into the audience with a flick.
My knees bent as my hips swiveled side to side, grinding my backside against
the pole behind me. My eyes closed as I focused on the movement my hips were
making, but the slow pace wouldn't last long. My head whipped back and veered
my body with it. I took the pole between my legs. Without needing a kick start
off the ground this time, my body pulled itself into a spiraling motion and
granted me more speed with every rotation until I gracefully whorled down the
pole once more.
The moment my heel touched the surface, my boot charged into the ground with a
solid kick, sending me half-way up the pole. Latching on with my thighs,
squeezing for balance, my hand extended and barred onto the tip; an area no one
other than myself was able to reach.
This is why I was insulted to be referred to as a mere stripper; what I was
doing was a performance. Anyone can remove their clothes and shake their ass on
stage, but not many could drift to the top of the pole, spin gracefully with
one hand supporting my whole body and turn myself around mid-air before gliding
myself down slow, being fully in control of my speed the whole way. It took a
lot of strength and muscle strain to pull it off.
My body flowed down ever so slowly until my head and shoulders settled on the
platform—it was well rewarded to rest half my body as my bottom half above me
was still descending down the pole.
While waiting for the rest of my body to join me, I felt the belt of one of the
harness straps around my chest be pulled up. When I looked to see what was
causing this, I saw that a sweaty hand was tucking a costly bill under my
strap.
"Tch." My face turned vile. Asshole, what part of "don't touch the dancers"
didn't he understand?
Without having to readjust my pose much, I simply removed my leg from around
the pole and gave a swift kick; the heel of my boot charged into perverts face
before he could even reflexively blink. Have fun explaining that to your wife
later.
Some of the other men cowardly backed away when the perverts blood sprayed out
of his mouth before he hit the floor hard enough to knock him out, but their
arousal returned and they cheered my action. At least they knew now what
happened when you didn't obey the rules. If they were smart they wouldn't
follow that guys mistakes. However, they weren't smart, that's why I always
ended up kicking someones face in every week.
There were little-to-no rules in this sleazy place for the employees, but there
were quite a few enforced for the costumers. With a lack of bodyguards, the
dancers were allowed to defend themselves and beat the shit out of anyone who
got too close or handsy.
Some of the other dancers didn't mind if they were touched so long as the one
doing the touching gave a steep tip, but I didn't tolerate it. I didn't care
how much money the pervert had, if he dare touched me, the price he paid was a
missing tooth or a broken jaw. If a costumer wanted to tip me, leave it on the
fucking stage, don't plant it on my body like I'm some kind of
stripper, because I'm not.
Feeling that my routine was ruined, I couldn't find the will to continue. The
thrill was gone the moment I was forced to take in the presence of those around
me. There were a few disappointed groans when the men had realized I was done
for the night, but I paid them no mind as I swept up their money from the
stage.
Taking advantage of being on the high platform, I took a look around the club
in an effort to find the least crowded area to head off too before hopping off,
but not before my sight latched onto a pair of familiar eyes. Eyes rare and
distinguishable enough that could not be mistaken for anyone else. Those eyes
were set on me; they had a film of just about every emotion you can think of
over them.
I froze. And remained like that until reality hit me. The only thing I could
think of doing right now was covering myself up. I collected my jacket and
leaped off the stage.
I propelled my way through the sea of perverts trying to get my attention, and
even though any other night they would fail regardless, my mind was far too
preoccupied on those eyes I detected at the back of the club. With every step,
I prayed more and more that my own eyes were deceiving me, that my vision was
still disordered from whirling around.
But that wasn't the case, and I knew this because I had walked right up to the
person who owned those fucking teal-green eyes.
I stared down at him, blinking slowly and remaining silent. My features were
sharp enough to cut the violent aura around me. The boy had shrunk so much
smaller under my gaze—until I remembered I was wearing heels. That could be why
he looked smaller than usual, but the illusion it gave made him look even more
terrified, like it was his final moments before being devoured by a Titan.
It became clear after an agonizingly long moment that he had no intention to
speak first.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I was pissed. Not even embarrassed, not
ashamed, just pissed.
Eren was squirming and avoiding a connection with my eyes, he fiddled with his
hands and his lips motioned a few times, but no words came out.
"I asked you a question." My words sounded threatening enough to make the boy
jolt; his face filled with panic as he struggled to form a sentence.
"It's just...you...I mean..." Eren stuttered and spit out, "I-I was just
curious where you went every night...! It's not like I wasn't spying—I respect
your privacy—if you just told me straight away you were a stripper I wouldn't
have followed you...o-or cared at all!"
My narrow eyes widened at the word that highlighted his whole pathetic excuse
for a sentence. Stripper. Is that what he thought I was? A stripper? The boy
yelped as I tugged him out of the club by the collar. His short legs were
unable to keep up with my aggravated amble, he was left dragging behind me.
How the fuck did he even get in? Why would they just let a twelve year old
boy waddle inside an adult club in the middle of the night? When we made it
outside, I finally let go of my grasp on him when I realized I was hurting his
neck. He winced with an eye closed as he rubbed roughly at the sting his cloth
made.
Now that I looked around the exterior, I wasn't surprised that he got into the
place unnoticed. There were no bouncers and people didn't linger around
outside. It was a nameless club that looked like an ordinary building from the
outside.
Only people who were trusted were granted access because it meant someone had
to tell them about the place. That's why there was no need for bouncers or body
guards, but there were still a few assholes who found out about the place from
untrusted sources. Whatever, that didn't matter now. This stupid kid mattered
now because he peeked into my private life when I already informed him that it
was none of his business. That couldn't be left unpunished, but I just had no
idea how to punish a kid. Adults were easy, I'd just kick them in the face, but
I couldn't do that to a kid. Even if he was a stupid brat that deserved it.
Deciding on age-appropriate punishment would have to wait. I was freezing. I
didn't get the chance to change thanks to this idiot and I was stuck wearing
shorts and a light jacket in the middle of fucking December. There was no way I
was in the mood to fight my way through the crowd and return backstage to
collect my clothes. Instead I mentally noted I would retrieve them all
tomorrow.
"We're leaving."
Eren didn't put up a fuss, he simply hung his head low as he followed slowly
behind. He was obviously guilty, or embarrassed, I wasn't sure but I was glad
he was feeling a negative emotion, he deserved it.
That sulking would have to come to an end though because his pace was too slow.
When I was pissed, my pace accelerated, and I was cold too, which added to my
speed. I was honestly surprised I haven't left him in the dust by now.
"Levi, are you mad at me?"
His dull, yet gentle tone pissed me off. Yes, I was mad. And you just made me
more mad by asking. I didn't answer him.
"You're an adult, so don't think I'm judging you. If you want to be a stripper,
I guess that's okay."
My rapid pace halted and Eren had lodged into my back, unaware of my sudden
stop. He gasped and flung his hands up protectively over his head. The look I
gave him may have implied I was going to hit him, but lucky for him, I didn't
hit kids. But I will remember this and I will track him down and beat his ass
in a few years. I was immature in that aspect; I held grudges.
"Just shut up. I don't want to hear another word from you until we get home.
No, in fact, don't say another word until I say you can."
Eren obediently fell silent and it was a very quiet walk...until the heel of my
boot got lodged between the cobblestone and I nearly tumbled. Then, it wasn't
so quiet as I cursed the rest of the way home.
***** Venture *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren is in a very strange mood, but this doesn't stop the trio from
     going on an awkward outing where Levi finds himself trapped in a
     conversation about his past.
Chapter Notes
     A/N: In this chapter I'm slowly diving into Levi's past concerning
     his parents. I have a chapter already written that briefly covers
     Levi's childhood, but that will come later on. Think of this as an
     introduction leading up to that.
For the first time in what felt like a while, I was out of bed at a decent
time. My watch told me it was mid-afternoon—a time when normal people were
already awake a few hours and conquering the day by attending to chores, work
and shopping. While people were doing all that, I sat on the edge of my bed
struggling to button my shirt. So what, I was behind a few hours. There's still
plenty of light left in the day. See, I was capable of being a decent member of
society when the mood strikes me right.
My wakefulness was likely due to not drinking last night and heading home
earlier from work than I was suppose to (thanks to a certain someone). At least
I didn't feel like total shit and my head wasn't throbbing.
The moment I exited my bedroom, I saw Mikasa sitting up on the couch, staring
down into her lap. Even when I moved in closer to her, her head never shifted
my way. Her face either suggested nothing was on her mind or every negative
thought in the world was invading it.
I just now noticed this—but she honestly gave some of the saddest expressions I
ever seen on a young girl; like she was about to cry at any given moment. Too
bad I didn't pry into peoples lives. If I did, I would ask about her back
story. Not that it was too hard to figure out the basics on my own.
I knew she wasn't related to Eren, but they referred to each other as brother
and sister, meaning she was considered apart of the family. I wondered, though,
what happened to her real family? Judging by the permanent frown on her lips, I
don't think her departure from them was a pleasant one. And now with Eren's
parents gone, I guess it was like losing her parents twice. At least she had
Eren looking out for her. They seemed rather close, like two-people-who-went-
through-a-lot-of-shit-together close. That's the best kind of company, if you
ask me.
Before sitting beside her, I damped out my cigarette, worrying the smoke would
start up her cough again because her condition was still fragile. She didn't
make an effort to talk to me (or even look at me) and I didn't either. We
enjoyed each others silence until a third presence entered the room and broke
the peace.
"Hey Mika—ah...!" Eren had tensed up unnaturally the moment he saw me, his eyes
wide and twitching as he gasped. Quickly, he turned his heel and fled back into
the bathroom he just came from.
My brows sunk deep into confusion. Peeved, I crossed my legs—bothered by his
rude reaction toward me. He was likely still shook up about last night. Second-
hand embarrassment I think it was called, even though I wasn't embarrassed in
the slightest. Or maybe that was his first sexual experience and he was having
trouble controlling his hormones. Yeah, my performances had that kind of effect
on people, that was probably it.
"What's wrong with him?"
My attention tilted to the quiet pitch beside me. I was caught off guard by the
question because this was the first time Mikasa had willingly tried to make
conversation with me.
I shrugged. "Who knows, your brother is kind of weird."
"Yeah. I'm sorry. He doesn't get along with many people so his social skills
are awkward."
Would you look at that. She was actually agreeing with me. We were going to be
good friends, her and I. We both found Eren weird and didn't feel the need to
talk about unnecessary things or get into each others business. It was
official, she made a good impression on me.
It went silent again, but after a few long minutes Mikasa's curiosity got the
best of her. "I wonder what he's doing in there so long."
"He's probably doing something a young girl like yourself wouldn't understand."
I said, and I was abruptly corrected with a muffled shout.
"I-I am not!"
Even if he wasn't doing something perverted and he was just hiding, he was
going to have to face me like a man sooner or later. It was my house after all.
How can you possibly try to avoid me? I almost felt bad for the kid. Almost.
But, he brought it upon himself for feeding his own curiosity. Not that I could
blame him, I always feed my own desires too.
Last night he couldn't look me in the eyes and even when I offered him to share
the bed with me, he insisted on sleeping out in the living room next to Mikasa
on the floor. Why was he so riled up about this? I thought his nerves would
pass by the time morning came, but now he seemed even worse.
It's annoying.
While trying to figure out Eren's personality, Mikasa had carefully stood to
her feet. This was the first time I saw her stand. Looks like her condition
really was improving.
"I see you're getting around okay."
"Yeah. I'm feeling better." Carefully, she stepped over to the bathroom as she
minded her balance and knocked her knuckle against the door. "Eren, hurry up. I
have to pee."
"Uh...Can't you hold it?"
"Eren."
"F-Fine!"
When he flung open the door, expression tense. I heard them bickering under
their breath, trying to keep away from my ear range, but I made out every word.
Something like "Mikasa, please don't leave me alone with him too long." Ugh.
Fucking kids.
I pointed to the couch, gesturing for Eren to sit beside me. He tried to act
like he hadn't noticed until I blared, "Eren, sit down."
He nearly flew across the room just to obey my order.
"W-What is it?"
"What's gotten into you, huh?"
He didn't look at me once and by him staring into his lap absentmindedly, I
couldn't help but think he resembled Mikasa. When he didn't answer, I pressed
the issue again. "Come on, tell me what you're so bothered about."
"Nothing. I don't know what you're talking about."
If that's how he wanted to be, then fine. I ended the conversation there. If he
wasn't going to talk, I wasn't going to beg. Go ahead, keep all those raging
hormones to yourself, see if I care.
There was an unrelated matter that popped into my head upon wakening that I did
want to discuss, but I had a feeling I'd get an awkward string of stuttering
words if I asked Eren, so I waited for Mikasa to exit the bathroom before
speaking again.
"Do you think you would feel up to coming out with me on errands today?" She
looked to be healthier, but I wasn't sure if she would feel up to it. I doubt
Eren would want to go without her and be alone with me at this point. So,
today's plans all relied on her. Without at least one of the kids with me
today, I wouldn't be able to follow through with the idea I had in mind.
She took a moment to think it over, then nodded subtly. "Where are we going?"
"Well," I started, only pausing to drape my arm across the couch. Maybe I did
it for my own comfort, maybe I did it to make Eren uncomfortable and stir up
his nerves. Who knows. "It's the middle of December and you kids have no warm
clothes, so thought we'd pick up a few wardrobes. We can grab a bite out to
eat, too, if you want."
"You really don't have to do that." she said. Her words came out kind of blunt,
but her intentions were polite.
"I know, but I want to." I wanted to because for one, Mikasa was feeling
better, but she was bound to get sick again if she didn't get some proper
clothing. Eren would be the next to get sick too and I was in no mood to tend
to his needs. Not to mention I was sick of seeing them wearing the same
tattered up clothes, so it was in everyone's best interest if we went shopping.
And so, the outing commenced.
The first stop we made was to a local tailor. They were free to roam around the
place and buy whatever suited their taste. Eren was being a little brat and
refused to let me buy anything for him at first, but Mikasa managed to talk
some sense into him. We threw out their old clothing and they wore one of the
new outfits out of the shop while a few others were kept in bags that I carried
with me to a nearby cafe; two kids trailing close behind.
We got a table and I ordered a coffee, not feeling much of an appetite. Eren,
was still, being a prick and refused to simply glance at me even though I sat
directly across the table from him. It was actually amusing how his eyes
succeeded in landing on everything but me—his head swayed awkwardly up to the
ceiling, down to the table where he'd pick at his untouched food, and to his
right at Mikasa; who paid him no mind. She was busy digging into the meal she
just ordered.
I really thought it was going to be a silent outing, which would be enjoyable
in its own way—but Mikasa had surprisingly broke that silence, causing Eren and
my own jaw to drop to the table.
"So, Eren told me you're a stripper."
Eren features strained; his fist slammed down onto the table. The dishes
rattled. "Mikasa! Why do you always do that? I told you that was a secret—don't
just bring it up in causal conversation!"
With Mikasa looking confused, like she didn't understand what she done wrong, I
butted in and raised my palm. "Just a quick correction, but I'm not a stripper,
I'm an erotic performer."
"Oh." Mikasa said simply, as if she hadn't a clue what I was talking about
either way.
"There isn't any difference." Eren had hissed low through his teeth, but I
caught it and kicked him under the table. I can break my own rule about hitting
kids every now and again if I felt like it.
"What's wrong with you Eren? Stop getting so worked up about his job. It's none
of your business."
"Thank you." At least someone saw it my way, but I still disliked that she
brought it up in the first place. Then again, I had the feeling she didn't know
what a stripper even was. This was just an assumption, but she had a naïve look
to her that suggested she didn't know much about anything relating to sexual
behavior. I think she brought it up innocently to make conversation, not
knowing exactly what it meant. She's been chatter than usual today, so it was
probably an innocent attempt to break the awkward atmosphere.
If that was the case, she must be even more confused than I was. At least I
knew why Eren was upset, even if I didn't see the big deal about it, but Mikasa
probably thought he was freaking out over a normal occupation. When it came
down to it though, it all came back to being Eren's damn fault. If he didn't
follow me, he wouldn't have seen what I do for a living and couldn't have told
Mikasa.
It was Eren's doing that made this unsettling situation. All the blame could be
placed onto him.
"Don't you both go against me. I can't help that I feel weird about it..."
"You can only blame yourself, you shouldn't have followed me." I folded my arms
and hung my head with a sigh. There was no retort from him—he knew I was right.
Looks like he was getting his own form of punishment, but by his own hand.
Serves the dumb brat right. That'll teach him not to go snooping into peoples
private lives.
The table became mute, minus the occasional sound of silver wear clinking, but
Mikasa once again broke the silence and nudge Eren on the arm.
"Hey, Eren. Don't we know him from somewhere?" He followed her line of sight.
Me being curious, I draped my arm over the back of the chair and looked behind
me.
Fuck.
I, for one, did know him from somewhere. I half-expected to see him again
before he left for another mission, since I always ran into him a few times
while he was in town, but this is the first time I saw him during the day.
Suddenly I felt naked for not having the veil of night masking me in his
presence.
When our eyes latched, I pried my sight away and turned back around, sipping
casually at my coffee while playing the game of oblivion. But when I heard his
big-footed stomps coming closer, I knew I lost the game.
"Surprise seeing you here, Levi." I didn't bother looking up at Erwin, who was
standing right beside me; I would just strain my neck anyways. There was no
reason to take a glance at him, I already knew what kind of face he was
wearing: that stupid, humble smile.
Knowing I was in no mood for conversation, Erwin put his attention on the
others occupying the table. "Ah, so these are the kids you were talking
about—it's nice to meet you both."
The kids stared up at him, seemingly trying to find his face in their memories,
then Eren remembered with a jolt. "I recognize you! I always used to watch the
troops come back in after a mission outside the wall."
He chuckled, almost nervously. "I see. Thanks for your support, then."
"Levi told you about us?" Mikasa said quietly, her tone almost unheard.
"Yes, the other night. Nothing but good things, not to worry. Thanks for
looking after him."
Eren finally looked over at me and I returned the stare. I can't describe the
expression he gave me, but his reply to Erwin helped me understand what the
look meant. "No. If anything, he should be thanked. He's taking good care of
us. I know I'm not the easiest kid to manage, but he has patience with me."
It was more like he was saying it to me than Erwin. He probably was. I gave a
subtle nod, acknowledging his words. At least he was showing a little
appreciation. Did this mean his fit was over with? I hoped so.
"You can sit down, if you want." I finally spoke as I looked at Erwin for the
first time. He smiled.
"You sure I won't be intruding?"
"Yes, you will be, but you standing over me is annoying. Sit."
"Well, if you insist." There was a spike of snark in his throat.
To my left, Erwin joined the table and he ordered a coffee when the server came
over. With the table growing quiet, I started up conversation. Not that
I wanted to, but being around Erwin sober was awkward as it was, so I wanted to
distract my tension with mindless chatter. "You might see more of this kid in
the future, Erwin, he wants to join the Survey Corps."
Dumbfounded, Eren tipped his head to the side. To him, I seemed against the
idea the other night when he brought it up, and now here I was mentioning it in
front of the commander of the squad, seemingly showing my support.
I didn't tell Eren this, mainly because I didn't want to get into a deep
discussion while I was tired, but I came to the conclusion it was the right
thing to do so long as his heart was in it 100%. Mine wasn't, that's why I
always disregarded Erwin's offer. Perhaps one day that percentage would go up,
but I didn't see it happening in the nearby future.
"Is that so? Well, I'd be glad to have you apart of the squad."
"If Eren is joining, so am I." Mikasa had said out of the blue and I gulped my
coffee down fast, nearly scalding my throat.
"No, Mikasa. Don't be influenced that easy."
"I'm not. I just want to protect Eren."
"I'm sure he could do fine on his own." Up until now I evaluated Mikasa as a
frail, innocent girl. But the determination in her eyes told me otherwise now.
"Well, there you go Erwin. I got you two recruits. Now you can stop trying to
enlist me."
"Nah, I'll never stop trying to get you in the Survey Corps," he chuckled
warmly. It pissed me off. "How do you know you won't like it?" Erwin pressed
on, and my shoulders slumped. Here we go, I knew this topic was bound to come
up. But I can only blame myself.
"I don't know, I just don't like the idea of getting eaten by a Titan, if you
don't mind."
"But you wouldn't. You're strong. Plus you will receive additional training."
Ignoring him, I waved down the server. I needed another cup of coffee. I was
not awake enough for this conversation. Then again, it was my fault for
mentioning it. All it took was me casually saying 'Survey Corps' for
recruitment to be triggered.
"What's training like?" Eren asked, eyes curious.
Erwin pressed into the back of the chair and folded his arms. "Well, it's not
easy, I can tell you that much. A lot of people give up because they can't
handle the physical demand—it gets easier after the first year though. Once
you're in the Survey Corps, you're still expected to keep training up, but it's
less demanding. You have plenty of time to train your body between missions,
though, because at most we head outside the wall monthly or bi-monthly,
sometimes your periods inside the wall are even longer, so you can still live a
decent life between missions."
You left out the part where hundreds of your men die every time you leave, not
to mention the survivors have enough of emotional trauma to desire suicide.
Whatever. He was never going to convince me. I knew his little speech was
directed at Eren, but I could tell it was his way of sliding persuasive
information my way without being direct.
"Levi—why don't you just join the Survey Corps too?" Eren started. "They take
care of you, that's why a lot of people are signing up nowadays. It's harder to
get by with all the refugees but enlisting guarantees you shelter and food.
Then, you wouldn't have to work as a stripp—OW!"
"Oops. My foot slipped. My bad."
Brat. It's one thing saying things like that to Mikasa, but not to an adult I
obviously know. He was so getting his ass beat in a few years, mark my words.
Sure, the Survey Corps took pretty good care of their soldiers, but that's just
to reel them in. The risk of getting eaten alive was not worth the money, food
and shelter they provided you with. Besides, only the Military Police offered
luxury and safety and I heard it's nearly impossible to be selected for the
squad.
"Eren's right, Levi. Why not join? It would be nothing but beneficial to you.
No offense, but you wouldn't have much to lose. And I said time and time again
that I guarantee your safety, so what's the real reason?"
Three pairs of curious eyes settled on me, waiting for my answer. I took a
deep, steady breath as I set down my mug. I was ready. I was going to tell them
the truth: the reason why I was so against joining. I was going to let it all
spill out of me, right here and now for all to hear: "Because I hate the way
Titans look. They look silly."
". . . . . ."
Well, I thought it was funny. Maybe my humor is too dry.
"That...That's the only reason you're not joining?" Erwin took my joke
seriously. Wow, at least I have a sense of humor as oppose to not having one at
all like him.
"Yup." I played along. Which really, my reply was true. I thought they looked
ridiculous and stupid.
"Hold on—how do you even know what the Titan's look like? Have you seen one?"
Erwin asked. "Unless you were in Shiganshina during the Titan invasion, I don't
see how that's possible."
This guy was taking my joke too far, but being as absentminded as I was while
trying to blow the questions away one-by-one, I accidentally said something I
shouldn't have in the process. Smugly, I curved my lips. "I've been outside the
wall. And I can confirm that yes, they are silly looking."
The three of them gasped as if I just told them I've been to the moon. I
couldn't tell if it was shock, horror, or disbelief masking their faces.
Probably all of the above.
"You...How?!" Eren started, enthusiastic interest in his words. "It's forbidden
to go outside the walls unless you're with the Survey Corps!"
"Yes, that's right." Erwin turned to me, concern soaking his tone, "Levi—how
did you go outside the wall...?"
I stared uneasily at them.
I unintentionally may have just dug my own grave. These guy weren't ones to
stop pressing an issue until their curiosity was settled. My time outside the
wall was not something I wanted to talk openly about. It's not that the memory
in question was a problem to share, I just didn't think it was their business.
But, if I ignored their questions, I would be bugged or it would look like I
had a side of my past I didn't like to talk about because of something stupid
like weakness, which was bullshit.
…I couldn't lie, not to myself.
The memory in question did bother me, painful to reflect on, even. But maybe
speaking up about it would confirm it didn't anymore—that it was just a
meaningless fragment of the past that I was over with. Or maybe it would stir
up mixed emotions. What to do, what to do...
"You're so lucky, Levi. I want venture outside the walls so bad." Eren
interrupted my thoughts.
"No you don't, kid, it's just as shitty out there as it is in here."
"Back up." Erwin's face scrunched strictly as if my confession just caught up
with his train of thought. The following words were assertive, as if he were
scolding a child. "Why the hell did you go outside the wall?"
I realized my mistake. I talked to much (but in my defense, I was trying to
make a joke but they all have terrible taste in humor). There was no way to
dodge the question now without getting a headache from nagging or them getting
the wrong idea, so I spilled it all and laid out my personal memory out on the
table for all to see.
"My parents were on the run—criminals with bounties on their heads that were
scheduled to be executed. Desperate and running out of places to hide, they
soon resorted to going outside the wall. Titan's haven't been seen in hundreds
of years by anyone other than the military, so my parents underestimated them,
thinking they can outrun them and start a new life outside the wall with me,
but..."
I unintentional stopped there. I tried to keep confidence in my voice up until
now, but I wasn't sure if I could keep up the same tone. Mental pictures I long
since forgot entered my mind; imagery I captured with blood in my eyes were
invading every cranny of my brain. Everything else I knew up until now was
burned away as these thoughts attacked me at all angles and there was nothing
else I could do but relive that memory. I couldn't dodge it or run away. Even
at the time, I couldn't run either. Just trapped standing there, forced to
watch the horror unfold.
Just like back then, I couldn't tell if my body froze or if it was quivering
rapidly. Just to rattle my nerves more, I leaped in my seat when Erwin laid his
hand on my shoulder, running his thumb over my sleeve.
"That's enough. It's okay, Levi. You don't have to continue."
My horror-stricken face returned to normal in an instant, as if Erwin's touch
pulled me out of that hell. But I wasn't thankful. How dare him pity me. What
did he think I was, weak? Memories didn't bother me, it just caught me off
guard, is all. It's been a long time since I recalled the time, so maybe I
stunned my brain by pulling out a dusty, buried file lodged deep and hidden
away.
I brushed his hand away as I swallowed thickly, hoping my heart couldn't be
heard in this dead cafe. "Anyways—we only made it a few feet out before we were
surrounded by two of those ugly things. The Survey Corps were on their way back
inside when they spotted us, but it was too late for my parents. Almost nothing
was left of them other than a few severed leftovers."
When we first made it out, the meadows before us almost seemed to be promising
us a better life. Unlike inside the walls, there's limits to how far you can go
before being blocked by a fifty meter barricade, but the green plains stretched
on forever, giving us hope of a new life where no one would ever try to split
us up or hurt us again. It was such a beautiful day, the kind of day that made
you believe starting over fresh was possible—until a shadow blocked the sun
from shining down on us. The picture in my mind showed me my mothers dainty,
severed hand sprawled out over the untended grass blades, painting the green
grass with crimson blood. We were wrong. Those meadows didn't promise us hope,
they only led to despair and pain. All we wanted was to be together and never
be split up. I suppose our departure was inevitable. We were never meant to be
a happy family.
After a brief break to sort through my memories, I continued. "I was nearly
swallowed myself, but I was saved and brought to Wall Sina."
"What did you do then? Um—If you feel like sharing, that is." The interest in
his tone was so obvious. Erwin wouldn't be satisfied until I finished, I felt;
he was too invested into the story now. That went for the kids too, who were
staring at me attentively across the table, filtering every word I spoke into
their tiny brains.
"I was dropped off at an orphanage, but I ran away not long after. I lived out
on the street for a while until I managed to meet some decent people in the
same boat as me and we watched each others backs. But, they're gone now too,
so, you know, that's about it." My life story ended awkwardly because I went
off track, but I was lost in the moment, I suppose.
Erwin's blues turned glassy, his lips pulled downward. "Levi...I'm so sorry. I
had no idea."
All three of them were staring at me with sympathy in their eyes, especially
Erwin.
Fuck this. I'm done.
Done with this conversation, done with Erwin's pity parade, and done with this
outing.
***** Change *****
Chapter Summary
     Realizing Eren and Mikasa are going to stay with him for a while,
     Levi decides to upgrade them to their own bedrooms. Before readying
     the rooms for them, he finds something to remember his fallen friends
     by.
The departure from Erwin was awkward—I don't remember saying goodbye and I
don't even remember leaving the cafe either. I just trampled off in the
direction of my home and the kids were smart enough to follow me. I felt like
some kind of mother duck or something and it pissed me off even more. Every
little thing was pissing me off, in fact. The people strolling by at a casual
pace annoyed me, children window-shopping was bothersome, even the laughter of
gangs I shared a neutral-relationship with peeved me to no end as I passed them
huddled together sharing a joint. For no reason other than I felt like it, I
wanted to start a brawl with them. Though, I didn't and it was a fucking
miracle.
After a fierce battle between me, my lighter and the wind the entire way home,
I finally got my damn cigarette lit before even fully stepping foot inside the
door. I was annoyed, but I discovered this on the way that it wasn't aimed at
Erwin or the kids, but at myself. Really, what fucking happened back there? Did
emotions carry me away? Did I get shot up with some trippy drug during the
outing? It was hard to grasp this new side to my personality. I didn't welcome
it warmly at all.
Those were unimportant memories, ones that didn't need to be brought up. They
resided in the past and they had no place in the future. Instead of wishing I
had said something—like I often do in a lot of social situations—I wished my
mouth didn't even open at all today. Especially in front of Erwin and the
children. I wasn't thinking. It's like a leaky pipe was blocked for years,
building up until the day it finally ruptured the moment a tiny crack was made
in the barrier, letting loose all the blocked up shit at once.
At the time, I figured it wasn't a big deal to bring it up but I buried these
memories for so long—so damn long that I actually forgot about them, as if they
never happened. For these memories to suddenly resurface...it was like it was
happening all over again for the first time.
"Levi."
Just to add to my self-hatred, I jolted up at sound of my name being called.
What the fuck was wrong with me? Now I'm on edge? Why—because of a stupid
memory? I crooked my neck down, trying to let my face return to normal, but my
features were far too stressed.
I answered irritatedly in an attempt to hide the jitter in my throat. "What do
you want?"
Eren looked up with water steadily steaming down his cheeks—has he been crying
all this time, or has he just started? I could just barely make out my own
reflection in those big, teal-green eyes of his, and I didn't like what I seen.
I hated my reflection naturally, but I hated it even more now. The face I was
wearing was so pathetic and foreign, but I moved my attention to Eren's face
overall—at the sorrow leaking from it.
I found myself envious at how he could be on the verge of full-blown wailing,
but still stand before me confidently. This type of aura seemed to give the
illusion that he was taller than me; stronger, more put together—like he
already managed to sew up the shattered pieces of his body and soul, or maybe
it was just a facade. However, he seem to have a better head on his shoulders
only months after going through so much tragedy, but I had over a decade to get
over my own and still was a fucking wreak at the mere mention of it. For some
reason, my tensed features softened slightly—well, as soft as they were going
to get on my face.
Eren hung his head lower with every following word he spoke. "Listen, I know
stuff like that isn't easy to bring up, but I just want to tell you I'm sorry.
I know I'm just a stupid kid, but if you want to talk about it, we can. You
might not agree, or maybe you'll get mad at me, but I understand how you feel
because my mom was taken from me the same way."
Being as emotionally unbalanced as I was, I was going to blow off his sappy
speech in anger until I heard that last sentence. That's right—Eren's mom was
devoured by a Titan too. He didn't tell me the details, but he probably seen it
happen just like I did. He saw something he loved being carried into a Titan's
mouth and be chewed up like a fucking dog treat. Then, watched as they
swallowed down all the future memories and plans that never had the chance to
come to the surface just because that mindless fucking idiot felt like eating a
persons parents. Humans weren't unmindful animals, they weren't meant to be
eaten; they were meant to raise families and chase their dreams, not reside in
the pit of a morons stomach.
My suspicion about Eren and myself being similar in some aspects has proven to
be correct. I couldn't get mad. Not at him because even if I did, he would see
through it. He knew better because he went through the same thing—he
would know it wasn't a genuine reaction—which would be more embarrassing than
showing a little weakness.
I noticed he tried to keep himself emotional strong, unlike Mikasa, who seems
to keep her emotions to herself but ended up looking depressed. Eren looked
angry most of the time, but it was probably his way of altering his true
emotions so he wouldn't break down and cry.
Indeed, we're very alike.
I did the only thing I could think of doing in that moment. With a solid plop,
I settled my palm on the top of his head and ruffled his hair, looking far off
into space as I did. "Thanks."
Eren was taken aback at the single word, like he never heard it before in his
life. Well, it's rare to hear from me and was likely the last time he'd hear it
coming out of my mouth. Still, when the shock wore off, he looked happy...too
happy.
"Wipe that grin off your face."
But he only smiled more and rebelled against my order. Mikasa, who was standing
idly nearby watching the exchange intervened. "I'm sorry, too, Levi. I'm also
here for you."
This moment we were having right now... With all these emotions out in the
open... It's...
...Making my skin crawl.
My lip twitched up before balancing my cigarette in the center of my mouth and
I reached out for Mikasa's head, giving it a ruffle like Eren. It must have
looked utterly ridiculous from a different angle, but I didn't care. No one
else was here to see so I guess it didn't matter.
"You'll probably get mad at me for saying this..." Eren started, and I let go
of his hair and gave him a look.
"Well if you put it that way, I'm already mad, so you might as well tell me
while I'm in the mood."
"Heh... Well, up until now I kind of assumed you were a mindless thug without
reason, but I think I understand you better now."
I tilted my head up and glared down at him, making the height between us seem
bigger. "I am, though. I can't deny that. It's true. My past has nothing to do
with the person I am now." To tell the truth, I wasn't sure if what I said was
a lie or not, but I had no way of knowing one way or the other without going
back in time and seeing my life unfold if I didn't go outside the wall and
evidently ended up on my own.
"No, you have your reasons for what you do. I get that now. You managed to
survive on your own the only way you could. It's admirable, Levi. I'm starting
to really look up to you."
"Me too." Mikasa added in.
"Shut up, the both of you." The volume of my voice increased, hoping it would
cut this soft atmosphere to pieces.
Eren chucked warmly. "And I was here thinking we were having a deep moment!"
"Brat."
"Stripper."
"I'm going to fucking kick you." I gave him a dangerous glare, but he grinned
widely, knowing I had no intention of hurting him. Now it was obvious that he
said that just to get a reaction out of me. Not bad, he found an insult that
works on me.
This moment needed to end, though, and fast. I couldn't bare these wishy-washy
type feelings anymore. It was gross.
The bags holding their new clothing was set nearby the door the moment I walked
inside, so I put my mind on the task of putting them away. But then I realized
something. I didn't have a spot for them.
Up until now, Mikasa has been staying on the couch and Eren sleeps in my bed,
but it was slowly becoming apparent that these kids were going to stay with me
for a while, meaning these living arrangements wouldn't do for a long-term
stay.
Inhaling deeply through my nostrils, I took an awkward step forward and headed
into the back bedrooms—the same bedrooms that used to occupy my friends. I told
myself I would never enter their rooms again, not that I've been in them much
to begin with. I wasn't afraid about being attacked with nostalgia upon
entering, not in the slightest, but I just didn't feel right about going into
their personal space without permission.
Well, I suppose there's no way to ask them. Even if I could, I don't think they
would mind the idea I just came up with.
I closed my eyes for a moment while I touched the door handle. A subtle sweep
of sadness overcame me when I thought of the last person who touched this knob.
With a click and a squeak, the door was open.
It was dark, much like all the other rooms in the house so I turned the switch
of the lantern to provide myself with some light.
It was a simple room, much like mine (only difference being the cleanly state).
There was a queen size bed on the far left of the room and to its right was an
old dresser. On the opposite side was a full length mirror. That was about it
for furniture other than a lonely chair in the corner.
Everything was dusty—you'd think someone hasn't lived in here for years as
oppose to days. But I was never strict about them cleaning their rooms—it was
their own personal space that they were free to do whatever they wished with.
Regarding their own rooms, I wanted them to be comfortable and feel at home, I
guess. Besides, I never went in their rooms, so it's not like the state of them
bothered me.
I took a seat at the edge of the bed, my fingers intertwined together on my lap
as I studied the walls. They were cracked, warped and had an empty feeling to
them. The floor had clothes covering most of it, and the dresser next to the
bed held a comb and some dirty cups.
Just as I thought, there weren't any memories in here—nothing I could remember
them by. They were simple people without any special possessions much like
myself. We lived day by day and did what we had to to get by. And that was it.
As I was thinking this, an object caught the corner of my eye near the comb, I
almost discarded it as a simple piece of clothing at first, but I recognized
it. I straightened myself up and reached for it.
For a few long minutes, I held it in my hands, running my fingers over the
fabric. The man who used to reside in this room was quite the eccentric who
claimed to want the finer things in life, but his lifestyle really wasn't
getting him any closer to that dream.
As a joke, my other roommate had bought this accessory as a gift for him, and
it must have boosted his ego even more because every time he wore it he'd act
so high-and-mighty, like a piece of cloth could actually transform you and
change someones social standing in life.
Unconsciously, a wry smile had formed on my lips from the memories this simple
piece of cloth held. My face turned a little bitter, but my thin smile still
remained.
I was wrong. There were memories of them storied around this house, likely to
remain so long as I lived here. Even if the entire place is cleaned top to
bottom, there were still simple things like this to remember them by.
Across from where I was sitting was the full length mirror and I felt a wave of
panic when I glanced up and didn't recognize who was sitting in the reflection.
It was me. Smiling.
I can't recall a time I ever seen my own smile being reflected back at me—I
didn't smile much to begin with so this was very strange, but I decided not to
let it fade, letting the foreign feeling remain on my face a little while
longer as I unthinkably put the cloth around my neck.
After I tied it, I admired the new look in the mirror. It wasn't like me at all
to wearing something like this—too snobby for my taste, but it wasn't terrible.
It did feel a little strange to have something clinging to my neck, though, but
it was warm.
Subtly, I shook my head in disapproval. I couldn't believe it. I was actually
wearing a cravat—an accessory I always made fun of, thinking it looked goofy on
the fancy pricks that wore it...but I was wearing it and despite not being used
to cloth hugging my neck, it felt almost right.
Maybe I was getting too sentimental, I knew it was just a stupid piece of
cloth. But, there were memories tied to it, ones I didn't want to forget.
I'm going to track down the ones who did this to you both. I promise.
It seemed like a prayer, even though I wasn't much of the religious type, but
with these emotions swelling up I couldn't help but feel they could hear me
from where ever they were. I wanted them to know I wouldn't forgive the people
who took them away from me. If they could hear me, I would be pleased with that
alone, but I wished they could just tell me who did this to them. It would make
it so much easier on my part. I haven't even started the search and I already
felt like I was running to dead ends.
But I won't give up, not until I return the favor to those bastards.
"That kind of suits you, you know."
In an instant my thoughts flushed and I tugged the cravat off me, even while
knowing the damage was already done, and looked to the new speaker in the room.
I swallowed thickly, like I just been caught doing something illegal. I don't
know what kind of expression I was giving him, but it made him walk into the
room, closer to me. I guess it was pleasant, was I still smiling? God, I hope
not.
"What do you want, brat?" I said in my usual tone, as if all the thoughts I had
previously were cleaned completely from my brain.
"Sorry, I was just wondering what you were up to. You left without saying
anything," he hooked his head around the room, "I was kind of wondering why you
closed off these doors from the rest of the house, until now anyways, but I
know it's none of my business."
I looked away from him, returning my eyes to the mirror. My expression from
before was just a blurry memory now. "I told you. I used to have roommates,
remember?"
"Oh. Right, the ones that left because you're too messy?" He smiled, obviously
meaning it in jest. "I'm kidding. They sure did leave a lot of stuff behind..."
As his eyes trailed over the room. I could tell he knew there was more to the
story. He might be stupid most of the time, but he was rather sharp.
My explanations would have to hold off until another day, though. Just opening
this door was enough to drain me, and I already opened one wound today by
taking about my time outside the wall. I didn't feel up to telling him the
truth about what happened to my friends.
Someday, I will—if it came up again. We were going to be together for a while
so I seen no reason to hide things like that if he asked. I don't like it when
people pry into my business, but he was my business now. Him and Mikasa. We all
lived together now, there was no reason to keep unnecessary secrets.
"Eren. How do you feel about moving into this room?" I put my glance back on
his blinking eyes.
"Well...I guess it's better than sleeping with you. You talk in your sleep, you
know. You woke me up like five times by threatening people in your dreams. It
was kind of scary."
"Wha—" I choked on the word. I had no idea. Was he just pulling my leg? Or did
I really talk in my sleep? That made me kind of nervous, I hope I didn't say
anything too weird.
"Don't say shit like that all of a sudden. Geez, you're such a brat. Here I am
offering you your own bedroom and you just..."
He waved his palms in from of him franticly. "No, no! I didn't mean it to
embarrass you or anything! I was just reminded of the other night, so it kind
of slipped out without thinking. Sorry."
I sighed loudly to let out all my frustration. As if he could embarrass me.
"Whatever. Anyway—Mikasa could have the room next door if she wants, but we
have to clean up first. I'll take care of all the clothes and belongings, you
can dust and change the bedding."
Eren's lips curled up and I found myself thinking he looked pretty cute when he
wore a face like that. I usually hate everyone's smile, or just didn't have an
opinion on it, but I liked his. A rather strange thought popped into my head,
one I never had before about anyone, but I thought: 'I don't ever want to see
him lose that smile'. Yeah. It was definitely a weird thought, I shook it
off fast.
"I'll go get some supplies. While I'm at it I'll ask if Mikasa feels up to
helping out."
"Sure, but it's okay if she can't. I'll get started without you."
When Eren went off to fetch the essentials needed to clean the rooms, I bent
down to the floor and began picking up the scattered clothing on the floor and
draped them over my arm. A part of me wanted to keep them and store the clothes
somewhere safe, just because it felt rude to throw away peoples belongings.
But, it's not like they were going to need them anymore. There's no point in
holding onto them.
The cravet I was definitely keeping, though. Who knows, maybe one day it'll be
my signature look. I had to hold back the laugh building in my throat—as if I
would wear that thing publicly.
Once I gathered an arm full, I went out into the living room in time to see
Eren filling Mikasa in on the current situation.
"I'll help."
"You sure?" I asked as I dumped the clothing into the waste basket. She nodded
and took the supplies from Eren's hand and went into the room I just exited.
"She sure bounces back fast. She's strong for a young girl."
"Mikasa? Uh, yeah." Eren gave me a strange tone, like I was missing a bigger
part of the picture—or like I wasn't aware of something obvious I should have
figured out already.
When Eren noticed my confusion, he spoke up. "Mikasa is crazy strong. Much
stronger than me—don't let her know I said that though." he smiled, but it
quickly turned into a frown. "That's why I was so upset when she was sick,
because I never saw her so weak. Not counting the time we met, that is."
We idled around the wastebasket. Eren seemed to be done talking but I was very
curious to know how these two met now that he brought it up. "How did you guys
met, anyway? I figured it out on my own that you're not blood related, but..."
"Ah...It's kind of a long story, actually. I'll have to tell you about it
another time, we wouldn't want to let Mikasa do all the work for us, would we?"
I nodded, unsatisfied, but he was right. I didn't want to just abandon her to
do all the cleaning while Eren and I reminisced about the past. Deciding to
place a rain-check on the discussion, we both regrouped with Mikasa.
***** Amiss *****
Chapter Summary
     When it comes to tracking down the ones who killed his friends, Levi
     is ready to do just about anything for information, which includes
     throwing away his pride and dignity.
Chapter Notes
     The following material might be triggering to some. There is a sexual
     scene that Levi is uncomfortable with (but consents to, but the
     feelings aren't mutual or affectionate). I just don't want to
     accidentally trigger anyone so yeah. :x
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The bitter taste of liquor was once again making its way down my throat. At
least I stayed sober for one whole whopping day—it's only right to reward
myself with a drink after managing that. Mainly, I was drinking out of boredom
as I waited to start my next routine. Thanks to Eren, I had to leave early last
night, so I decided to make up for yesterday's loses and stay for one more
round on the pole.
At least when I was in work, I always got free drinks at the bar. Not because
the employees drink free, I wish, but because all the perverts always paid my
tab—their way of trying to impress me enough to sleep with them, I guess, but I
swallowed down every drink they bought me with zero intention of ever fucking
them. They were lucky if I managed to nod at their stupid rambling.
Tonight wasn't as overwhelmingly packed like last night. Men tended to come
here during the week after work, but most stayed home with their families on
Saturday and Sunday. It was mainly just regulars with no life and heavy wallets
occupying the club.
When I was setting my glass back down, I noticed someone's relaxed fist next to
my drink. There wasn't anyone sitting on that side before, so I road my eyes up
the sleeve until I saw something that made my lip curl.
My sight captured that stupid fucking green unicorn—or whatever the hell the
Military Police logo was suppose to be.
As if I wasn't pissed off at the patch enough, a familiar, grotty man was
attached to the uniform. It was the same man who managed to punch me straight
in the mouth the other night. This guy stood out from the rest of his squad
because he caused me the most trouble. Keeping track of all the times he nearly
arrested me and beat me to a pulp for no reason was impossible. Honestly, I
don't know why he held such a grudge against me—it wasn't like I was a mindless
criminal that put innocent bystanders in danger. Overall I tried my best not to
run into him, but my efforts always ended in vain. He was simply unavoidable.
There was twisted delighted glistening in his eyes as he crooked his gaze on
me, smirking, and I knew it was too late to pretend I had not noticed him.
"Levi, Levi, Levi... " he chanted my name in a cocky melody. "Just when I
thought I couldn't think any lower of you, you show up at a place like this."
Groaning into my glass before I took a sip, I said, "At least I'm here just to
make money, you're here by your own free will."
The dig didn't sting his ego at all and that irritating smirk widened as he
examined the outfit I had on. I was wearing the clothes I had on the previous
night: the sleazy version of the military uniform.
"Well shit. Ain't this a pleasant fucking surprise. Never would I take you as
the stripper type. I came here after I heard this place had a nice selection of
sluts to choose from...and they weren't lying. I'm impressed."
I was tempted to break my glass over his head, but that would be a waste of
good booze. Instead, I put my anger into words. "Then go grab yourself a whore
and get the fuck out of my face."
"That's no way of talking to a customer."
"You haven't spent any money on me yet so you're not my fucking customer." And
frankly, I had no intention of taking his filthy, crooked money so he never
would be.
"Fine, then." Leaning over, he dug through his pocket and smacked down a wad of
cash on the counter. "I want a lap dance—from you."
"I don't do shit like that. Now if you would so kindly fuck off, that would be
great."
"What if I told you money wouldn't be the only exchange?" he persisted.
Those words peeked my interest. Only because of curiosity—I had no intention of
falling for any deals he offered as I followed with a reply. Besides, what
could he possibly give me? A get-out-of-jail-free card?
"Alright, try me."
From the look on his face, it was as if he landed me on a hook and was reeling
me in. I wouldn't be persuaded that easy, though. I liked making deals, but I
didn't like negotiating with the Military Police; too corrupt for my taste.
"I have some information you want—about those friends of yours that were put
down like dogs."
Before I could even take in his words properly, I had already sprang from my
stool and grasped him by the collar, nearly sending him over the bar counter
with all the force I put in. With his features taut, he tried to squirm out of
my hold, but it proved to be too powerful for him to break free from.
"Tell me everything you know right now."
"Jesus fucking Christ, Levi, take it easy. I over heard you talking about it to
that prick commander and did a little digging around. Some of my buddies are in
charge of the investigation and got some leads."
My fingers gouged into the cloth of his collar loosened, but I was still unable
to let go, perhaps it was his words I was holding onto more than anything else.
I gave him a shifty eye before my words dragged out. "Why...did you do that?"
Cooly, his shoulders slumped. That arrogant confidence came flooding back into
him. "'Cuz I wanted some information I can hold over you in case I ever needed
something from you. And well, I figured out what I wanted and I got the ticket
to get it."
". . . . . . ."
He continued, "And just to let you know, this information won't be shared
publicly. I'm your only source."
I bit the inner wall of my cheek. He fucking reeled me in, all right. The
Military Police would be the only ones to investigate a crime scene—the odds of
him not knowing anything useful was slim. This was a chance I had to take.
"Listen—I'll give you all the money I have on me right now and get you even
more once you tell me. Does that sound like a deal to you?" My voice almost
sounded desperate—it wasn't pleasant, shameful even. But I didn't care. This
was the closest I came to a lead since the crime occurred.
His smirk grew wider as he shook his head. A sinking feeling ran to my stomach.
"Nah. That's no fun. I want your body, not your money."
Shit.
Another time I'd beat the shit out of someone for talking to me like that, but
he one upped me. He knew information I didn't; information that would take me a
long time to collect, if it were possible to gather in the first place. Erwin
was the only military soldier I actually got along with, but he had no
connection to the crimes that went on in Wall Sina, he simply wasn't involved.
I have a bad reputation with the police—we all couldn't stand each other. They
would never tell me what I need to know. Even if I offered the crooked bastards
money, they wouldn't help me out of spite. But this guy—no—this asshole was
offering an exchange. An unfair one, but an exchange nonetheless. Something he
wanted for something I wanted. I had little time to think it over. Even though
I knew I would hate myself for many weeks to come, I pulled him by the wrist
into the backroom.
This situation I was placed in was agonizing. Every second went by like hours
and the eerie feeling of being watched by a beast observing its prey was almost
enough to make my knees buckle under me; allowing all my pent up nerves to
crash down.
But I wouldn't give up that easy. I had to do this. I promised them eariler
that I would find the ones who did this to them and if this helped me get one
step closer, then so be it. I don't care what the cost was: whether I had to
bribe these answers out of people through money, my body or fatal force, I'll
do it.
Around us were walls coated with maroon, floral wallpaper dimly lit by
flickering lanterns. There was a lounge chair placed on the far end of the
room, currently supporting that bastards deadweight and I was standing right
before him, facing the other way as my hips rocked side to side.
I can almost physically feel his eyes fondling me, it made me cringe. How much
longer will this go one for?
"Come on, get closer."
The back of my calves were already brushing at the edge of the chair. There was
no way for me to get closer, even if I wanted to, and I really, really didn't
want to. "Tch. I can't."
"Put your legs up here, then." He pat the armrest and I peeked over my
shoulder. Just what the fuck does he want from me? He's lucky enough to be
getting a private dance—something no one ever received from me before. He had
some nerve to be taking advantage of the situation by calling the shots.
But I swallowed my curses and backed into the chair, propping the joints of my
knees over each armrest so that I was hovering just above his lap. This
position had my body jutting; it was just plain uncomfortable. My legs were
nearly split apart and all the harness straps wrapped around my body felt even
tighter from the straining position. Just when I thought I couldn't feel more
uncomfortable, he pushed my back slightly forward and away from him.
"The fuck are you doing?" Did he want me in his position or not? Make up your
damn mind. To keep myself from falling forward, I pressed my palm into the
cushion between his legs for support.
"Just trying to get a better view. You can shut up and get back to shaking your
ass now." Before he even finished speaking, he clumsily groped me.
"Don't you fucking touch me."
"It's part of the deal. If you don't want to play, I won't tell you."
"The deal was a lap dance and the rules say you can't touch the dancers."
"Well we're playing by my rules. Now are you going to comply with my order or
am I gonna have to erase that information you want from my brain?"
A jagged breath went through my nose. Endure it. Fucking endure it. It might be
disgusting to be degraded like this, but it will be worth it. It's going to
bring me closer to my goal. The only thought that got me by was this: After he
told me what I needed to know, I would beat him senseless to make up for what
he's putting me through now. I didn't even give a fuck anymore if I got
arrested for it—I'd wiggle out of it just like I do with other binds I find
myself in. He was useless to me once he told me, so I could do whatever I
pleased afterward. That's the thought that helped me through this.
I started working my hips again, rolling them in circular motions. The faster
this guy was satisfied, the faster he would tell me what I want to know. I
arched my back and sat up some as my motions intensified and I kept my mind
focused on kicking this guys ass; the thought brought me enough peace of mind
so that I didn't reflexively swing at him when his palm slithered up my thigh
and cupped the thin fabric barricading his hand from my crotch.
I bite my lip—not in arousal, fuck no, I would never get hard from this prick.
The self-inflicted pain distracted me from his hand and his other when it ran
up my chest. That's when a shine caught my eye. I peered down at the hand
currently fondling my chest. On his left finger was a ring. A wedding ring.
Just when I thought I couldn't hate him more.
With my face turning sour, I battled against the corrupt feelings and rubbed my
ass over his crotch, knowing that's exactly what he wanted. It wasn't long
after that I realized he was budging through his pants, the stiffness was
practically digging into me. As he violently pinched my nipple and rubbed
vigorously between my legs, I kept on backing into his hardness.
A smirk was evident when he whispered into my ear, his ratchet breath reeking
of alcohol. "Who knew the infamous Levi was such a whore."
Ignoring him, I kept my attention on my hips. Let's just get this the fuck over
with so I can go home with useful information and forget this ever happened.
"Turn around, I wanna see your face."
"Shut up, you're lucky to being seeing that side of me."
"Hm. I think that info you want is slipping from my memory~"
"Tch." I felt like a child being easily manipulated. It's like he was the
asshole in those stories that stole candy from a baby, then waved it in front
of them, just out of their reach. I twisted myself around and slid my knees on
each side of his hips. I refused to look at him until he placed his middle and
index finger on me and pulled up my chin.
"You're even pissy-looking when doing something like this. I find that
strangely erotic."
"Fuck. Off." I hissed. He grinned, obviously pleased with my reaction.
A sudden realization occurred to me. This guy didn't get off on doing something
like this with me. No, he got off on degrading someone like me. In an effort to
get more angry reactions out of me, he moved his hands down my back and cupped
my ass—he wiggled his dirty fingers into the sleeve of my shorts and heaved
them up.
"Cut it out, scum." My voice rose, but he went on like he didn't hear me and
continued to ride the fabric up until it was digging into my ass. This fucking
prick. I change my mind, I'm not going to beat him, I'm going to
fucking slaughter him. After I got done with him, I'll be known as humanities
most feared enemy.
"I think I did enough for you now. It's time for you to own up to your end of
the deal." I had enough. Giving a lap dance was repellent by itself, but this
was stepping into a whole another territory. I wanted out. Now.
But, he ignored me again and squeezed at the newly exposed flesh. He wrapped
one arm around my lower back tightly and with his other hand, with vulgar
force, spanked me. Stunned, I released a deadly groan as my body sprung up from
the sudden sting.
How fucking dare him.
I sent him a fatal gaze, but he didn't receive it; his eyes were set over my
shoulder, peering down at the red hand print left on my body. I was about to
curse at him, but another spank was delivered—and another and another, getting
rougher with each swing.
Through gritted teeth I said, "You fucking prick. You're taking it too far now.
This wasn't apart of the deal."
"Think of this as punishment for all the trouble you put me and my boys
through. Oh, and pay back for that kick to the gut, you fucking runt."
Giving a final loud crack, I jolted again and before I could even recover, he
put his hands firmly on my hips and reeled me in suffocatingly close. A heavy
restriction was put on my hips so I couldn't squirm away from his hardness
rubbing up against my soft groin. Fucking pig. He intends to get off, doesn't
he? The friction between the fabric became rougher with dry humps thrusting
against me.
I don't care. Once it was over, it was over for good. It's worth it.
Endure it, endure it, fucking endure it.
"It almost makes me want to laugh that you'd do all this for those loser
friends of yours. They were trash just like you—just wasted chances at life
that will never amount to anything."
My chest tightened. I already knew that. I already fucking knew that, you
prick.
Maybe it was my mind trying to escape this horrible situation, but a memory of
Eren's words echoed. The way he told me how doing what I needed to get by was
admirable, that he even went as far as looking up to me.
No.
I don't want anyone, especially kids, to admire me. I was no role model and
this bastard cumming in his pants at the moment was right, I was trash. I was
nothing special. I would probably die young from an overdose or sexual disease
at this rate and it wouldn't even matter. Whether I'm alive or not did not
matter. My life was meaningless and I had nothing to offer the world. I
wouldn't leave anything behind, no trace of me or even loved ones. No one would
cry when I died. Hell, no one would even care.
The constriction around me loosened and I lurched backwards immediately and I
took a long moment to enjoy the view of looking down at this pervert like the
insect he was—I was completely fed up with him. No, I was fed up with him the
moment I locked eyes with him at the bar.
"Enough playing around. Tell me what I want to know."
The man laughed hard, as if I just told the funniest joke he ever heard. I
hadn't expected that. The composure I managed to collect had slumped as I
anticipated his next words.
"How fucking gullible are you?" The laughs flooding the room became wilder as
he bravely locked his eyes on mine. "I don't know shit. Those pieces of scum
you called friends were scooped up and thoughtlessly incinerated. What, did you
think tax payers are going to waste their money investigating the murder of
lowlife trash? We disposed of people like you like we would a dog laying in the
street, that's all there is to it."
My vision went red.
Not a single thought went through my head as I yanked him hard enough to pull
hair out of his scalp and shoved him to the floor; he toppled over and rolled
to his back with agony on his face.
I'm going to raze this fucker from existence.
Before he could even think of crawling away, I placed my heel on his juggler
vein. All rational thought left my head. My body was still and solid; not a
nerve out of place. My unblinking eyes remained locked on my target as various
mental pictures of gruesome pay back entered my head.
I'm going to fucking kill him right here.
I'm honestly surprised I didn't pierce right through his neck the second my
heel made contact—I want to, oh how badly I fucking want to. I want to kill
him, but killing him like that wouldn't be satisfying enough.
"I'm feeling very generous tonight, so maybe I should do the world a favor and
get rid of scum like you. Maybe I should kill you right now and let that wife
of yours come to this raunchy club to identify your body." I took a steady,
calm breath and let it out sharply as I shoved all my anger into my foot and
bashed in his skull; traces of blood lathered through his light hair.
I might be trash, but he's fucking shit.
I circled around him, observing his pain. Those pathetic groans injected into
my bloodstream and quenched some my thirst, but it wasn't enough. I needed
more—another fix. Maybe it was due to my obsessive personality, but I was never
satisfied that easily. When I enjoyed something, I selfishly salvaged every
drop I could for as long as I could.
"I'm actually a nice guy, believe it or not. I wouldn't want your wife to go
through something like that just because her husband is a dirty prick."
Emphasis was added to my final words as I pulled my leg back with mighty force
and released a bone-shattering blow to his side. I definitely broke his rib. He
yelped like an unwanted dog being kicked into the street; those shrieks
consumed me like a gratifying drug.
"Who's the fucking dog now?" I stomped down on his head. And again, and again
and again. The only reason I stopped was to catch my own breath, but that's
when I noticed he was still breathing himself and fully conscious. Not bad, he
was a real trooper.
"Argh! You fucking whore! Doing this isn't going to get you what you want. I
already told you, I don't know shit! You've been played, that's how shit goes
down in the streets. Get over it and back off!"
"Oh, I know beating you won't magically make you useful to me," I don't know
what kind of face was glaring down at him, but he looked utterly terrified.
"But you had your fun, so now it's my turn to have mine."
Chapter End Notes
     I tried so hard not to let Levi beat that guys ass just to make his
     misfortune seem even worse but...my fingers slipped...a lot... -
     quietly cheers for Levi in the corner-
     Anyway—I feel this chapter was necessary because I couldn't help but
     notice that many dislike the Military Police due to their crooked
     deeds and I get the feeling they gave Levi a lot of trouble while he
     was a thug. So, I'm trying to establish a beginning to that grudge.
     Next chapter is going to focus on Levi's childhood and after that
     prepare for lots of Christmas fluff!
***** Sabbath Child *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren unintentionally provokes some of Levi's past out, which later
     triggers a bittersweet dream about memories he had since forgotten.
Chapter Notes
     This entire chapter was inspired by the song "Wednesday's Child" by
     Vermillion Lies. I wrote this while listening to it so who knows,
     maybe some parts of the song matches with the scenes? :o
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Sense of time abandoned me as I soaked in the bath—I had absolutely no clue how
long I've been sitting here. Now that I allowed a thought in after my mind was
put on hiatus, it occurred to me that I couldn't remember a few things, like
how I got home. When I allowed myself to run wild, it became a struggle to get
back on track. Much like a druggie coming down from his high—he'll still be a
violent lunatic as he searches for his next fix. Even if what upset me was long
over with and resolved, I can't think, I can only act. Like this animistic
instinct dominates my whole being, and everyone knows how hard it is to tame a
wild beast. When this state takes over, my mind turns into a cluttered fusion
of impulses and unhealthy desires, making a mess nearly impossible to clean up.
It's hard to switch between my modes of rampaging and keeping my traditional
composure once I'm initiated, but the once hot water that now turned chilled
seeping into my skin was soothing enough to dilute some of those messy
emotions. My elbow rested on the lip of the tub as my palm held up my pounding
skull. I was still angry for so many reasons and at so many people, including
myself, but I had to get over it. Just for the time-being, at least.
I needed my mind sharp, sharper than the blades I fantasied about stabbing into
those who cozened me. I can't let my rage devour me and steal my sense of
sanity. I won't get closer to my goal if I did that. I'd never trust anyone who
claimed to help me again, so I only had myself. If I couldn't rely on my own
thoughts, then I had no one.
Maybe Erwin was right, maybe I ought of learn some self control.
I almost laughed, but the gall in my throat blocked it. The day the walls and
Titans don't exist anymore will come way before I learn self-control.
Regrettably, I thought back to events that took place earlier, and I still
couldn't believe I didn't place any suspicion on that asshole back at the
club—but I just wanted to believe he knew something so badly that I didn't let
doubt cloud my mind. I was desperate. So fucking desperate to believe someone
was going to help bring me closer to the people who took my crew away from me.
I was never offered a break in life before, ever. Being the lone-wolf I am, I
managed my problems on my own, perhaps this explains why I was so naïve.
I'm still shocked that I didn't end up killing him after he had tricked me into
grasping a tiny piece of hope, then yanking it out of my hands. The poor excuse
of a human was still alive, unfortunately, he was just knocked out with a
concussion and a few broken bones after I was done with him.
In order to justify beating him as badly as I did, I had told the owner of the
club the man had tried to force himself on me. Luckily, he was banned for life
and can't step foot in the club again. Good riddance, asshole. At least he
couldn't go there anymore to bug me, or try to sexually harass the other
dancers like he did with me (knowing him, he would). It was a relief knowing I
could go to my job in peace—well, as peaceful as an erotic performers life
could get, anyway.
Still, I would likely see him around town, which I really was not looking
forward to. If he learned his lesson at all tonight, though, then he should
know better than to fuck with me again, unless he liked the taste of his own
blood, then I'd be happy to fulfill his wish.
After dunking my head underwater a final time to weaken my thoughts, I dried
myself off, got dressed and wrapped a towel over my shoulders to catch the
droplets of water descending from my hair. With sleep weighing heavy on my
eyes, my legs self-generated themselves and moved toward my bedroom, but my
bare feet hauled in front of Eren's bedroom door. It was open, yet it was shut
when I first came back home. Sleep can wait a few minutes—I wanted to see what
he was up to. I spun around and went to the only place he could be.
Cupping a glass of water in his hands, Eren stood idly in the kitchen. I
shrugged, telling myself he probably woke up from a dry mouth and would be
heading back to sleep soon. He hadn't noticed me, so I was about to leave it at
that and call it a night, but then I noticed he was not blinking—barely moving
at all, in fact. Like he was in a trance. I guess that wasn't
exactly strange for someone who's half asleep. However, Eren was pretty alert
even when he first woke up, and I never seen him look like his guard was
completely down before. Something felt off about him. Maybe I was just being
overcautious because my tension was still spiking, but it's best to reassure
myself now than miss sleep over my own speculating.
I made sure to get his attention gently, I didn't want to scare the living shit
out of him. "Eren." I whispered, and he jumped a mile. Oh well, so much for not
frighting him. "What's wrong? Have a bad dream or something?"
He turned his head slowly to me, just now noting my presence in the room, but
his gaze fell back to his cup. "Oh, no. I haven't even been able to fall asleep
yet. I guess that's because I'm in a different room—I was like that the first
night in your bed, too. I'll probably sleep better tomorrow."
Puzzled, I panned my eyes over him, as if inspecting him for some kind of clue.
That normal tone completely contradicted the vibe he gave off just a few
seconds prior—never mind. It was probably my imagination. Or maybe that's just
how he looked when he was really tired. He did say he hasn't slept yet, after
all. My eyes get bugged out too when I'm sleep-deprived. But, I wanted to be
sure. "...Sure you're alright?"
He nodded and continued to stare into his glass for a few long moments. I kept
watch over him, still unsure what was going on with him. Then, he unexpectedly
spoke again, his eyes looking far away. "Do you ever have one of those nights
where you just can't stop thinking? Like every mistake you made in your life
comes crashing into your head at once? It seems to only happen at night for me,
but during the day it's like it never happened. Weird, huh?"
There was sadness laced in his words—words that made total sense to me. Without
needed to think it over, I knew exactly what he was talking about. I think
that's normal for everyone, though. The brain apparently gets active when its
between sleep and wakefulness, I think there's a word for it, but I'm not a
fucking scientist. In that time your mind could make you remember a lot of
memories you thought you forgot, ones you buried, or ones you regret.
Awkward air skirted around me suddenly. I usually don't talk openly about
trivial things like this. Not even with my fallen friends did I. I would just
listen in on conversations that shared a related theme that they would (often)
share together.
With my fingers, I combed my wet hair back and out of my face. "Yeah. I get
that too. It happens to the best of us." And when I say the best of us, I meant
people who always got dealt the lousy hand in life, even if they were young
like Eren who didn't deserve the harsh consequences of gambling. People like
myself took gambles of course, it was a way of life when you grew up on the
streets. Every decision was always 50/50 and it all came down to what route you
will regret least in the end. But for people like Eren, who had more options
than that, it just proved to me further that the world was cruel.
I was in a similar boat as Eren and Mikasa at their age. I was homeless—and not
because I was a rebellious kid who wanted to do whatever I pleased, but because
my parents were taken away and I was placed in a horrible situation afterward.
After that, it all went downhill and the stakes of my bets became more drastic.
It wasn't my own doing that lead me to where I was today, that much I managed
to gather over the past few days, but I still held responsibility over the
actions I made now. There was no excuse for that. At least these kids had a
shot, he still had a father around somewhere. If only they could be reunited,
both him and Mikasa just might have a chance at being normal kids again.
"I wish there was a way to turn it off." A wry, forced smile appeared on his
lips. These thoughts he's referring to must be heavy judging from his
expression. I found myself wondering how a young kid could accumulate so many
regrets and bad memories in a short amount of time. Sometimes it's like a
domino effect—you make one wrong move and suddenly your whole life crashes
down. I felt bad for the kid.
It wasn't much, but my reply was all I could offer him. "For me, getting a song
stuck in my head does the trick. It doesn't exactly turn off the thoughts, but
it's enough to drive them further away so they're not as potent."
"A song—really?"
I nodded, my arms folded. "Even if it's just a melody I heard while walking
down the street or something, I'll just focus on the tune until I drift off."
Eren's head fell down, disenchanted, "...I would like to try that, but I don't
really know any songs."
My brows spiked up. How can you not know any songs? That's strange. Or maybe it
wasn't, I don't know. But I knew plenty of songs by the time I was his age.
"Don't you know any nursery rhymes?" Surely, a kid has to know a handful.
He shook his head glumly.
What the hell? How does a twelve year old boy not know a single nursery rhyme?
Geez, my mother might have been a criminal but at least she sung to her child.
An unintentional sigh discharged as I tousled my damp hair in aggravation. In
an attempt to escape from the faraway memories drawing closer, I returned to
the conversation regarding Eren.
"Are you sure you don't know any? I thought every kid at least knew Monday's
Child to remember the days of the week."
"No—I never heard of it. How does it go?"
". . . . . ."
Right now I was in no mood to recite nursery rhymes. Not only was it late
enough to be considered morning, but I had a shitty night, very shitty. It just
wasn't the right time. No time would ever be, now that I thought about it. I
didn't like those songs anymore. There was a time that I did, but now recalling
just the tune alone formulated a bitter taste on my tongue. Maybe that proves
the past still bothers me, who knows, I didn't really care.
My nerves created a subtle chortle. "No way."
"Levi..."
There's no way I was budging. I'm stubborn that way. "I'm not feeling up to it,
Eren. Another time, maybe."
I knew how to wiggle out of children's demands—if you promised them something,
they'd likely move onto something new and forget to ask again. However, Eren
wasn't a typical kid. If I learned anything by living with him in this short
amount of time, it's that Eren was quite persistent when it came to fulfilling
his own desires. I had a feeling he wouldn't stop nagging me like an immature
brat until I finally gave him what he wanted. Admitting defeat that easy didn't
happen often with me, but for Eren I suppose there were no consequences, but I
still wasn't convinced enough to go through with it.
"Awh Levi, please? My mom never taught me any rhymes but now I really want to
hear one."
I felt a pinch in my heart when he mention his mother. Maybe she entertained
Eren and Mikasa in other ways, by my mother always sung to me, which was
probably why I know so many damn children songs.
What now stood before me resembled a lost puppy, starting up at me with
pleading eyes. I gulped awkwardly as I realized there was no fleeing from those
big teal-green eyes of his. Damnit.
"Fine. You fucking inspired me. Happy?" I surrendered with a sigh.
How fast that expression switched, now he was like a dog wagging its tail. Ugh.
I think I was just tricked for the second time tonight.
"But just letting you know, I'm not singing, just reciting it."
Eren gave me a smile, a real, genuine one unlike before. Even though I wouldn't
admit it, that was enough of a reward for going through with something I found
unpleasant.
"Mondays child is fair of face,
Tuesdays child is full of grace,
Wednesdays child is full of woe,
Thursdays child has far to go,
Fridays child is loving and giving,
Saturdays child works hard for his living,
And the child that is born on the Sabbath day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay."
Honestly, I was surprised I even remembered every line (thankfully, without
getting tongue-tied like I would as a kid). It's been a good twelve years since
I heard it. Of course, the person who sung it last did it with much more
feeling, but whatever.
Puzzlement consumed Eren's expressions before opening his mouth slowly,
"...That's harder to memorize than just learning the days of the week on its
own."
"Right? I always thought the same thing." Eren sure was a chatty person once a
topic came up, I had a feeling beforehand that he wasn't going to let the
conversation die once I told him the rhyme. I felt aggravated just thinking of
standing here any longer when I could be comatose right now.
"I like it though, it's catchy—I was born on a Thursday, so the rhyme is
telling me I have far to go? What's that suppose to mean?"
I shrugged. "Who knows. I don't think it's meant to be accurate like a
horoscope or something." I didn't want to tell him that I did actually find
some truth in it. He had enough on his plate as it was, but I get the feeling
this kid did have a very far way to go, with lots of struggles and hardships to
endure along the pass of his life.
"Oh. What day were you born?"
I had to think about it for a minute. It's not exactly important information I
stored in a close file in my brain. I heard a distant hum coming to the surface
of my mind. It only took me a second to recognize it. My mothers voice was
singing the rhyme to me. The gentle tone was far away, but clear enough to hear
her sing the last part when she would add "Just like you!" to the end, making
me laugh like the carefree child I was.
"Sunday."
"Oh, you're right then; the rhyme isn't very accurate." he giggled, obviously
insulting me. Well excuse me for not being attractive and happy.
"But that's pretty interesting, you were born on God's day."
"I guess you can say that. I also share a birthday with his son." I said with
an unmoved huff. It was strange, really, for someone as corrupted as myself to
be born on Jesus' birthday on the Sabbath day. The irony was amusing yet
unsettling at the same time.
Eren blinked at me, his lips a little gaped. "So your birthday is on Christmas?
That's actually really cool. Ah—wait, that's a few days from now!"
My face expressed disbelief. I had completely forgotten. I was never one to
celebrate my birthday—if getting piss drunk and passing out doesn't count (if
it does, I guess everyday is my birthday). I never seen the fuss in holidays in
general. I thought of it as man-made excuses to get more money out of peoples
pockets. I usually would remember a holiday with a simple 'oh' way after the
date had already passed.
"I'm going to bed. Try to get some sleep."
I seemed to have cut Eren off before he even got another word out and he hung
his head disappointed at how our chat had ended abruptly. But he followed
behind me without a fuss until we branched into different rooms.
When I laid my head on my pillow, I was greeted with familiar thoughts, the
type of thoughts Eren and I discussed moments ago. The type of memories that
invaded you in your most private moments, when all you wished for was
unconsciousness to rescue you away from them all. I squeezed my eyes shut,
hoping my drowsiness would whisk me away soon. After a few minutes, images
started to flash faster than I could keep up and I realized I wouldn't be
sleeping anytime soon.
A new addition to my never ending regret and bad memories was made tonight—I
felt like total shit for what happened earlier. I scooped so low. I degraded
myself. It would take a while to restore every drop of lost dignity. Of course,
this wasn't a new sensation, I was used to doing things I wasn't proud of, but
this was the freshest memory that would keep me company tonight.
While trying to avoid all my current thoughts—like I was in some type of mental
battle with myself—my eyes latched open when I made out what could be described
as a faint hum. At first I mistaken it for coming from my own head. But no—I
was sure that the melody was coming from the next room over.
What I was hearing was Eren humming the melody of Monday's Child. A numb
sensation covered my whole body, starting from my head down to my toes.
Involuntary my eyes slitted until my lids snugly joined together, my breathing
steady. I was lulled into a peaceful sleep. Perhaps too peaceful, because my
dream tossed me into a tranquil memory that started with the distant echo of my
name being called.
"Levi? Levi honey? It's getting dark out, you need to come inside."
I could hear my mother chanting my name with her gentle tone from the other
side of the house, her voice nearing closer with every syllable she spoke.
"Come on, you have to start getting ready for bed while there's still
daylight—" The enthusiasm in her voice dipped, a scoff in her throat as she
spoke the following words, "Oh, Levi. Not again. I just bathed you."
When my mother finally approached me, she carried with her a look of
frustration, but that was to be expected. From head to toe, I was covered in
mud, appearing even dirtier than the stray mutt I was playing with beside me.
It wouldn't be easy to blame my filthy state on an accident this time. Just to
make me look even guiltier, I was literally kneeling in a deep brown puddle. I
ran my fingers over the muddy, hardened fur as my mother placed her hand on her
hip, trying to look threatening, but she couldn't look mean if she tried. "Why
did you go and get yourself dirty again?"
"Ummm..." I put a stubby, dirty fingertip to lips. "Because it's fun!" The
friendly canine barked after my comment, seemingly agreeing with me. Even
though my mother warned me to keep clean before I went out for my last playtime
session of the day, I had accidentally tracked some dirt on my pant sleeve and
figured damage was done, a little more roughhousing with my companion on the
ground wouldn't make much of a difference...but I got carried away.
"You're a little handful, you know that?"
I pouted, my cheeks puffed out. "I am not little!"
My mother gave a warm giggle, looking at me like her most treasured diamond.
"You're right, you're going to be just as big as your daddy someday." She flung
me up into the air and caught me with a tight embrace. My smile shined brighter
than the setting sun as my head nestled on her shoulder. When she held me like
this, it felt like nothing can harm me, like I was protected by a shield.
"Speaking of dad, where has he been lately?"
My mothers expression twitched grimly, but her friendly aura bounced back fast
enough not to notice. "Didn't I tell you he got a new job? Well, he works long
hours, his boss is kind of a meanie that way."
"What's he do at his job, mama?"
She set me back down on the ground and wiped off her dress. "Look at that, now
you made me dirty. You really need to stop being a little piggy, mister."
I hung my head, completely overlooking the fact she skipped out on my question.
"I'm not little..."
"Oh, right, right! You're a big piggy!"
We shared a laugh together as she took me by the hand. After arriving back into
the house, she had gave me what was likely my third bath that day and settled
me into bed. It was a hot night, so when she tucked me in I tossed the blankets
off immediately. The summer has been brutal these past few days. During the
winter, it was easy to find comfort by the fire, but in the summer there wasn't
much to do other than sweat and fan yourself.
"You know, you wouldn't be so hot if you just kept yourself clean once in a
while. The hot baths is making your temperature go up."
"Then you should give me cold baths. Or no baths at all, that would be better."
My mother expressed a dissenting look. "I don't think that's possible with you.
After a few days you'd be so covered in dirt that I wouldn't even recognize you
anymore."
I rolled my eyes with a grin, I never could understand her intense disapproval
when I ended up getting myself filthy. You'd think she would be accustom to it
by now given how sloppy her own child was. My father shared a similar view as
myself, but we'd often both got lectured for simply not removing our shoes
before entering the house. It made me laugh how my father would hang his head
like a child when he'd make a mess at breakfast, but my amusement would quickly
fade when I was the next to be targeted by mother when she had no other choice
but to wipe up food sticking around my mouth.
Lately though, she only had to clean up after me because my father has barely
been around. He comes home late when I'm already sleeping and he's gone by the
time morning came. The house felt empty without his presence, even though he
lacked much presence to begin with. He was a quiet man, but a wise one. If the
mood striked him right, he'd tell me these fascinating stories that he picked
up over the years. I could never tell if they were fictional or if he was
speaking from experience, but I enjoyed the tales nonetheless.
When he wasn't as busy, he'd do the fatherly thing and bond with his son in an
attempt to shape me into a man. Even though my mother told him I was too young,
he would tease her about babying me and bring me to an open field where he
would teach me how to fight and defend myself. I never saw much point, I was a
kid, who would I use such skilled moves against? But still, I relished in our
time together and I feared our father-son bonding would end if I ever spoke up
about this, so I went on with the lessons until I was strong enough to knock my
six-foot father off his feet.
Our conversations after these sessions ended were always brief, but he would
always say the same thing: "I'm not going to be around forever, but I want to
leave this world knowing my son is safe. That's why it's important for you to
learn how to fight."
I never did question where he learned to fight. I kind of assumed he was just
born with the skill. Or maybe he learned it from my grandfather, who I
unfortunately don't remember meeting before his passing. I was told he blessed
me as a baby, but of course I wouldn't remember that.
My mother and father were very religious people. When my mother wasn't busy
with cooking and cleaning, her nose was stuck in a bible and my father, despite
his quiet nature, would recite passages from the bible if the situation called
for it.
Due to this, I was well rehearsed in the bible and was often reminded that I
was a blessing from God that was put on this Earth the same day as his son
because I held great importance like Jesus. I didn't know how to take that,
really. Whether I was a powerful savior or someone who would befall great
tragedies and self-sacrifice wasn't clear. I could hardly relate myself to
Jesus at all, it felt like an insult to his holy name to be compared to someone
like me. I was just a dumb kid that couldn't even take care of myself without
my mothers constant assistance. I wasn't capable of saving people or being a
hero, and I was too much of a coward to sacrifice myself for others.
I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes. My vision before me was completely black,
yet I still could sense I was the only presence in the room. My mother was no
longer beside me, which told me I must have dozed off while she was tucking me
in for the night. My door was cracked open slightly, and a dim light from the
gap wasn't the only thing leaking into my room. As my drowsiness wore off, my
hearing intensified and I heard a voice. The one-way conversation started too
soft for me to hear, but then clamored.
"How could you go through with something like that? You know the whole city is
going to be after us now, right?" It was the voice of my mother, almost
unrecognizable. When I would track mud on to every inch of the house she
wouldn't even yell like that. I was stunned to say the least. I could only
assume she was arguing with my father, who I had yet to hear.
My mothers voice lowered, but I was still able to detect her words. "I thought
you promised you wouldn't take jobs like that after we had Levi. We both made
that promise the day he was born that we would change and never do things like
that anymore. We finally found a place where no one would find us and you go
and fuck everything up. Now where are we suppose to go, huh? What are you going
to tell your son?"
A chill ran through me. The summer heat no longer an issue as I sunk under my
covers. I never heard my mother speak like that before, I was actually
frightened, like she was possessed by some angry spirit.
"Please, calm down. We'll figure something out, we always do."
"No. We already figured it out but you blew it. We were living safe here until
you—"
"You know we needed the money, having a son means we need even more than
before, so how can you just expect me to live a normal life now? You know I
don't want this anymore than you, but we both done things we weren't proud of.
You have no right to ridicule me."
"Don't you think I know that? At least I wanted better for Levi so maybe, just
maybe, he wouldn't grow up to be crooked like us. I want him to have a good
life."
"Of course I want the same for him, that's why I'm trying to provide for us.
You made mistakes just as bad as me before he was born. We have to live with
those mistakes now, make the best of it and do what we can."
The next room grew quieter than my own for a long while, until my mother choked
up, a weep caught in her throat, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to lash out on you.
I'm just scared. I'm so scared. I don't think we can keep running forever. I
just want to see my son grow up to be a fine man, but that's not going to
happen if things continue on like this."
"I know, I know. I didn't think it would get so out of hand when I accepted the
job, I really didn't. I thought it would be the usual, but then all these
people showed up—anyway. What's done is done. In the morning we'll have to
leave and start over one more time."
"We're running out of places to hide, you better make this time count." I heard
my mothers footsteps stomp with fury until they were silenced in front of my
door. The gap widened as she peeked her head in, but just before she fully
closed it I opened my mouth.
"Mama?" I said, my voice quivering.
"Sorry honey, I was just checking on you. Did I wake you?" Her voice was calm,
you never would have guessed she was just in a heated argument with her
husband.
I sat up. A single thought accompanying me. "We're moving again?" That's all I
managed to understand at the time. It hurt. Just knowing we were leaving
again really hurt. I was just starting to really like this place. Even though
there weren't any kids around or places to play, it was comfortable.
My mother wordlessly crept into the room and sat beside me. She rubbed her
slender fingers over my forehead and down to my cheek. Her eyes were glassy,
and if it wasn't for the strained smile she wore I would think she was on the
verge of crying.
"I'm so sorry, but your dad was transferred in work, so we need to move one
more time. Okay?"
My lip crunched up, my brows settled downward to an uncomfortable space. I
looked away from her.
I immediately thought of the stray dog I had recently made friends with, and it
made me sad thinking about leaving him behind. Who would play with him if I
wasn't here anymore? More importantly, where would I even be tomorrow? What
kind of house? I liked this one—it was small but it felt safe and homey. I
tried to imaged the people I haven't met yet that would be my neighbors, would
I even have any? Or would it be like the region we lived in before that had
nothing but plains surrounding every corner?
Moving was unavoidable. I was a child with no other option but to trail behind
my parents. I knew it would be useless to speak my mind, all it would do would
get me in trouble, so I instead tried to focus on the positive sides to leaving
what I became familiar with behind. I would tell myself that there would be new
places to explore, animals to meet or maybe even kids my own age. So far, only
one other place we lived had children in the community, but they weren't the
nicest bunch. Most of them picked on me for my size because I was the smallest
in the schoolhouse. Even though my only experience with school was terrifying
because of how nasty children could be, I still missed learning in a classroom
setting. My parents, especially my father, were intelligent, but they weren't
teachers. I didn't get the same satisfying thrill of acing a test when my
parents would give me lessons.
Everywhere we lived after that became more and more isolated, meaning there
weren't any schools around and no other children to play with. In fact, if you
didn't count the stray animals I made friends with, mother was the only one I
talked to. Father was out of the house often, and when he was home he liked to
be left alone with his thoughts most of the time.
I just wished we could settle down in a busy, peaceful town. The kind of town
where everyone was friendly with each other with a nice school, places to
explore and animals to befriend.
That was ideal, but I didn't see it ever happening; no matter how much I
wished. It's nice to set goals for yourself and dream, though, even when you
knew in the back of your mind it would never come true.
My mother's expression matched my own, and she continued to pet my hair. "Don't
be upset. Here, how about I tell you a story to make you feel better, hm?"
I shrugged, not really caring either way, but it might take my mind off the
inevitable.
"Hm, let's see." After striking a match, she lit the lantern and crossed her
legs as her face squished humorously as she thought. I could tell she was
trying to cheer me up, I rewarded her with a tiny smile. She thought for a
little while longer—this was likely because she told me old folklore and urban
legends almost nightly, so she might be running out of stories.
"Ah, I know the perfect story. Have I ever told you why I named you Levi?"
My head shook against my pillow. "No. There's a reason?" I never considered a
meaning behind my name. I thought parents just named their kids whatever they
thought sounded nice.
She nodded, the sad smile never fading. "The name comes from the bible. Leah
was blessed with four children, Levi being the third son and he was the founder
of the Levites Tribe which was assigned priestly duties. The bible suggests
that this name was given because it means "join" in Hebrew and she wanted
Jacob, a man she loved very much, to join her in union. But, he was already in
love with her little sister, Rachel, who gave birth to two children, one being
Joseph who Levi was very jealous of and ended up plotting against."
"...Mama, this isn't a very nice story. Why would you name me after a guy like
that?"
She chuckled, she seemed to have lost herself in the story for a moment.
"Because Levi was a good person but with flaws. He made some wrong choices, but
he made good ones too—when a prince did very awful things to his sister, Levi
killed all the men in the city. Even though Jacob was furious with him, he
didn't care. He wanted to protect his sister no matter the cost. The prophecy
of his father states he was an 'Instrument of Cruelty', but I admired that
about him, that he could use his cruelty for good and evil, equally balanced.
In some ways he was a saint, in others a sinner, No one in this world is
completely good or completely bad—I wanted your name to remind you that it's
okay to make mistakes, so long as you do what you feel is right."
To say the very least, I was disappointed with the story behind my name. I
thought she would tell me this admirable tale about a confident hero who swept
in and saved children from a burning orphanage or something—not some guy that
went around fulling his own selfish desires. "I understand what you're saying,
but that guy still seems like a jerk."
My mother smiled as she swept my strains of hair away from my hooded eyes. The
vision of her and her following words slowly began to fade. "Perhaps one day
you can relate to him."
I flung up from bed, gasping and nearly choking. I held my throbbing chest and
squeezed my eyes shut and spread them open, blinking rapidly. My jittery pupils
scanned around the room, unaware of what time period I was in for a moment.
After a steady breath through my nostrils, I swallowed a thick accumulation of
saliva and I laid my head back down cautiously.
Once the dream lost its vividness, my face turned bitter. I rolled over,
praying with all I had that I would sleep like the dead with no dreams to
interrupt me.
Chapter End Notes
     This chapter was actually challenging to write. I really wasn't sure
     what route I wanted to take when it came to Child!Levi and his
     parents personalities (I had a lot of alternatives) but after some
     thinking I decided I wanted them to be pretty normal (other than the
     criminal part). I feel Levi had to get that kindness of his from
     somewhere, so I'm making it so he took after his mother, but his
     fathers tough/cold exterior counter-reacts with that, making the Levi
     we all know and love. :3
     Oh, and I mean no offense if my bible references are inaccurate.
     Blame google!
***** Uplift *****
Chapter Summary
     The kids start nagging Levi about not being in the Christmas spirit.
     Reluctantly, he gets them a tree and is not pleased to find out that
     they aren't satisfied with just that alone.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
There was too much triggering me lately. All these thoughts and sensations I
haven't had in years were returning without warning, knocking at my door and
dragging in their messy memories with them.
Whatever. Let's see how long I could go before my self-pitying inner monologue
turns itself back on again.
In an attempt to start the new, wonderful fucking day off right, I took a sip
of my coffee—that took me precisely two seconds to realize that it literally
tasted like grainy shit. Well, there goes my attempt at leading a wonderful
morning. I tried.
I know Eren means well, but ever since he self-proclaimed himself as the chef
of the household my taste buds have been miserable. It wasn't that he was
a terrible cook—some meals he prepared were almost enjoyable. Let's just say he
puts a little too much love into his ingredients—and when I say love I mean he
just adds way too much unnecessary shit to every meal he prepares. Sure, his
pancakes were fine, if you can find them under all the sticky syrup and butter.
My coffee would have served its purpose if he didn't go ahead and add three too
many sugar cubes to the cup.
Even Mikasa—who never stopped eating until her plate was empty—had shoved
Eren's shameful attempt at an omelet from her.
"What, why aren't you finishing it?" Expression frantic, he hooked his head
over his shoulder. That's when I realized he was at the stove. Cooking again. I
suddenly felt my life was in danger. Fuck, I hope he's not cooking for me.
"I'm full." Mikasa lied. How did I know she lied? Because I was a professional
at pokerfaces too, meaning I know the signs when someone is making one. I
blinked across the table at her and she returned the same glare. We were both
silently sharing the same thoughts and I wondered for a moment if we had
telepathy, but vigorous arm movements caught my peripheral vision. With
seasoning in hand, Eren shook the flavoring over the dish until the scent of
the spice filled the kitchen, nearly made me sneeze.
"You might as well remove the cap and just pour the whole fucking container
over it."
"Huh?" Oblivious, Eren stared at me, his arm still in motion.
"Stop. Seriously. That's enough."
"No, no. Trust me, it'll taste much better. It's my secret ingredient." He
claimed confidently. Now with the spice container half-empty, (or half-full
depending on your optimism level) he plopped the plate in front of me with a
big, goofy grin.
Well, let's hope that secret ingredient is rat poison so I won't ever have to
eat this ever again. While Eren's followed my every move, I daringly picked up
a folk and took a tentative bite. How I managed to swallow added an eighth
mystery to the world.
"You lost your kitchen privileges." I said flatly, setting distance from the
plate with a press of my finger.
"Eh?" His chipper housewife persona was long gone, he remained standing over me
with confusion and doubt.
"Eren," Mikasa added, "you wouldn't be a bad cook if you just didn't try so
hard." I couldn't agree more.
"What are you talking about? I don't try too hard! My cooking is fine!" Eren
scrapped the dish across the table and in a hostile motion, plucked the folk
from my hand—he didn't have to pry it out—he was more than free to take the
burden away. The need for any utensils was unnecessary, I had zero intention of
finishing that garbage. Even so, he still had about the same amount of manners
as a scavenging raccoon.
An insulted expression remained but diluted each time he chewed. His jaw
paused. The folk shattered down on the plate. He looked at Mikasa, then myself
before swallowing hard, hanging his head low before us like a puppy after
pissing on the floor. He realized his mistake, at least, even though it wasn't
much of an accident since he intentionally fucked up.
"Okay. I'll put less seasoning next time."
"Next time? No. Don't worry about cooking anymore. I'll handle it." I tried to
word the request decently, but it all came down to me having little faith in
his abilities, not because I wanted to take a chore away from him.
"I need to get better at cooking. Just let me keep practicing."
Using my hand for support on the back of the chair, I lifted myself up and
poured my sandy coffee down the drain, then turned back around with a
suspicious glare, leaning myself against the counter with my arms crossed. "Why
do you need to get better at cooking?"
"My hobbies are none of your business—c'mon Mikasa, you ready?"
The girl gave a subtle nod and rose from her chair. I followed behind as they
left the kitchen, my head spinning—that's the first time I felt that while
sober. "Wait. Where the hell are you two going suddenly?" My suspicion spiked
even more.
"Uh, to look for my dad? Duh." Irritated by his bratty tone, I stepped even
closer and grabbed my jacket off the hook. I had to hand it to him, it was a
good excuse, but I knew it was a lie. I haven't known him long, but when he's
hiding something or lying, his ears glow red. "Good idea. I'll help you look."
"N-No! Stay home!"
"...I knew it."
"Huh?" Eren's mouth gaped up at me, and Mikasa patiently idled behind him.
"You're doing something sneaky. What are you up to?"
Eren looked over to Mikasa for answers, but she remained silent. He heaved a
defeated sigh lashed forward. "Mikasa and I found jobs, okay? It's only
temporary, though."
I couldn't tell if he was bluffing or not in an attempt to hide something else,
but I went with it until I could come up with a final verdict. "Why? Money
isn't a problem around here, I make plenty of it."
"Yeah I'm sure you do." The undertone of his words pissed me off. I stepped
toward him and took his ear between my thumb and index finger, pinching the
lobe. I was honored a yelp.
"Knock it off!" he swat my hand away, his face red. Honestly, I had no clue
what was going on. Why would they suddenly get temporary jobs without telling
me?
Wait, no. This brat wasstill lying.
"Why'd you say you were looking for your dad, then? Why not just tell me you
had a job?"
Eren dragged down his cheeks, wiping his aggravation and then shot me a look,
it was as if he was calling me every insult under the sun in the privacy of his
mind.
"I just didn't want you following me. It's embarrassing, okay?"
"Follow you to work? Oh, like you did to me?"
". . . . . ."
To say I was satisfied with the way his lips motioned but no words came out was
an understatement.
"A-Anyways, we're going to be late. Can we go?"
I waved them off with a dip of my head. Eren inhaled a relaxed breath before
swinging the door shut behind him.
A moment later, I fetched my coat and dug my feet into my boots.
Of course I was going to follow them.
The buildings passing me by were covered in a cold film of white, even the
cobbled ground was just a memory now that a few inches of snow was coating it.
The kids remained in the foggy distance as I kept waking a few feet behind,
taking my eyes off them now and then to skim over the blurry figures rushing
around. There were more people out than usual, not that I was familiar with
morning atmosphere, but suddenly a reason to explain this hit me—along with
Eren's preceding statement—Christmas is drawing near.
I slipped the flap of my coats collar over my face, covering enough to make
only my eyes visible. There wasn't much of a cold wind, but the snow descending
straight down on me like soft rain was enough to make a numb burn intrude my
body.
Look at all these idiots getting worked up over a holiday. Why exhaust yourself
and wallet on useless gifts, candy and toys? The meaning behind Christmas has
been long since forgotten; not many savor the holy day anymore. It was merely a
competition to see who bought the most expensive gifts, or to bribe your kid
into shutting up about the toy they've been begging for, or a way to impress
someone with artificial luxuries as oppose to earning your way to their heart.
As I saw it, it was a crooked holiday that benefited crooked people. When I put
it that way, I briefly pondered why I detested it so much.
My boot crushed into the ice when I came to a halt, looking up at the building
before me. Icicles hung from the ledge of the roof, and I realized the building
Eren and Mikasa disappeared into by the back entrance was the same cafe we went
to together.
So this is where they're working, huh.
I idled outside the front entryway, finishing the rest of my cigarette before
extinguishing it in the snow. Between my heated breath and tobacco vapor
releasing my mouth, I blew out double the amount of smoke as I pulled the
handle—my cautiousness up until now was in vain because I forgot about the
obnoxious bell that rang off when the door opened; a way to let the staff know
a new customer had entered.
It was fine, though. There was no sight of the kids. I relaxed a little when I
realized they would likely be helping out in the back since they went in that
way. Not that I cared either way, but it saved me from listening to Eren's
whining if he found out I followed him, no matter how hypocritical that would
be.
Inside the shop was notably warmer and the smell of coffee and pastries (that
had more sugar than dough) attacked me from all sides. I stomped the slush off
my boots onto the welcome mat so that I wouldn't track snow all the way to the
counter. I was trying to keep a low profile, but hey, I'd take the risk blowing
my cover for some decent coffee any day.
I wasn't particularly fond of any of the food here; not that I didn't have the
occasional sweet tooth, but it was just a little rich for my taste. Their
variety of actual meals was slim, but if I had an appetite right now, I could
have managed to order a simple breakfast. My tongue, however, was still
stinging from Eren's secret ingredient. The brew here on the other hand was
satisfying and well-received. Since I'm normally sleeping at this hour, I don't
get a chance to buy a cup here often, so I patiently waited in the busy line.
"Oi, Levi."
My eyes instantly flew shut, my mouth forming a perfect downward curve as I
shoved my head to an angle, giving myself a moment to simmer in my own self-
pity. A groan may have vibrated in my throat. Can't I go out once without being
bothered by something? Fuck, I sure am a popular guy, aren't I?
My eyes remained closed, too bothered to open them until I spun my slumped
posture around and finally glanced in the direction my name was being called.
Rolling my eyes at the smile gifted to me, I removed myself from the line and
smacked my palm down on the table, my hand loosely on my hip as I bent forward.
"What, do you fucking live here lately?" This was, of course, an exaggeration.
This is only the second time I have run into him here, but it felt like more
times than that—in fact, every time I saw Erwin it felt like it was one too
many times.
"I like the coffee here—it's nice to see you too."
Lasting only as long as a twitched, I gave one of my sarcastic smirks that
would likely send a baby into tears. With aggravated strength fueling me, I
pulled out a chair like a prissy bitch that didn't get my way and sat across
from Erwin. I needed coffee in order to function properly, meaning I was
unaware at the time that I unintentionally just set myself up to be annoyed
further. But that was to be fixed when the server came over to take my order.
After the woman had left to fetch my drink, my arms draped over the table,
holding me up as I leaned over to Erwin, my eyes scanning the area. "Apparently
the kids are helping out here."
"Really? Good for them. It's nice to see young kids being responsible."
There he goes, being lame again.
I leaned back in my seat, but I still couldn't shake my suspicion about this
whole ordeal. Maybe I was still on edge from last night and couldn't find truth
in anything. Still, it was odd that they would suddenly scout out a job for no
apparent reason. Or maybe there was but I didn't see it—Eren and Mikasa seem to
be overly appreciative of letting them stay with me. Adding funds to the
household might be their way of showing thanks, regardless of how unnecessary
it was. That was probably it, I just didn't catch on quicker because I tend to
overlook sentimental gestures.
The server returned with my coffee and I quickly indulged, deciding against
waiting for it to cool down. The steaming hot drink was enough to eliminate the
chill leftover in me from the walk over here, plus it managed to burn away the
nasty aftertaste of Eren's failed attempt at breakfast.
Being as occupied with my beverage as I was, Erwin found entertainment in the
newspaper that I assumed he brought in with him.
"Today's headline is pretty wild," he said as he read, "apparently an officer
got beat nearly to death by a stripper last night. Now that's something you
don't hear everyday."
"Mhm. Sure isn't." His words went right over my head as I nursed my mug,
staring down at the murky liquid.
And here it comes—the realization.
Oh for Christ sake, I made the front page again.
I yanked the paper out of Erwin's clumsy grasp and quickly skimmed through the
column. According to the report, I'm a victim who used self-defense against a
perverted police officer and my identity is to be concealed for my safety.
You bet your ass that's accurate. The reporter should get a promotion.
"Eh." Carelessly, I tossed the paper back at the table, some of the pages
sliding out unorderly as I did. As long as privacy was kept, I could care less
what the papers wrote about me.
A chuckle was in his pitch, "You alright?"
I cupped my chin in hand, looking away at nothing in particular. "Yeah."
Erwin's mood dipped along with his head, as if he read me better than the
newspaper he reorganized and set to the side of the table. "...I'm assuming you
have no leads yet, huh."
"I thought I came close to one last night, but it was a bust. I don't know
where to go from here, so I'm a little bummed if you don't mind." I had no idea
why I was confiding in him, but Erwin proved to be a good listener at times.
There was also an unmistakable aura of reliance that glowed about him. Not that
I trusted him, but I gathered that he didn't have it in him to turn on me—yet.
"If you want my opinion..." he started, and I honestly didn't. "It might be a
better idea to take it slow right now."
"Can't. If the trail goes cold then I really won't find them."
"Why don't you put your mind on something else for a while? Christmas is coming
soon, why don't you start getting into the spirit?" he laughed, knowing how
stupid he sounded. Or maybe he was just so stupid that he was being serious. I
could never tell with him.
I flipped my bangs with a roll of my eyes. "Ew."
"C'mon, Christmas isn't so bad. It was around the time we met, remember?"
"Not really. I tend to block out bad memories." Until late, apparently.
"That's a cruel joke."
"Who said I was joking?"
He inhaled through his smirk. "Fine, then. I'll remind you. The first time I
spotted you was when you were drunk beyond belief, swinging around on
unauthorized Maneuver Gear until the Military Police finally caught up with
you, then I was the one who bailed you out before they threw you behind bars."
The rim of my cup paused right before touching my lips. My eyes widened and
cornered Erwin. "That actually happened?" I had absolutely no recollection of
that at all. He wasn't the type to pull my leg (he had a terrible sense of
humor) so I can only take it as the truth.
Erwin found amusement in my panicked expression and his laugh got louder as he
seemed to be recalling the details of the memory. He tried straightening out
his face, but he'd start smacking his palm against the table again when a laugh
spilled out.
I tried to form the pieces of the day in my head. "The only part I remember was
picking you up at the bar, then fucking you senseless back at my place."
Erwin's features sharpened, the whites around his blues expanded as he squirmed
his body in his seat, inspecting our surroundings to ensure my words didn't
reach any other ears but this own, then returned to the conversation with a
much softer tone than my own. "No, that happened afterward."
I couldn't help I was a little fuzzy on the facts. Meaningless sex tends to
replace the important details.
A bell rang in my head. I curled my nose at the memories belated arrival. "Oh,
shit. Now I remember. I puked on you and took you home to get cleaned
up. Then I fucked you senseless."
A hard laugh threaten to leave his lips, he fought it back but despite his
efforts, he still resulted in having a warped grin. "Aren't you the romantic
type."
I could have just puked on him and left, but I cleaned him up and fucked him.
That seems romantic to me. I nodded in agreement. "You know, if you squinted a
lot I could actually pass for a presentable gentlemen."
"No arguments there. Too bad you always decline my offer to go out to a nice
restaurant with me. I would like to see that gentlemen side of you be put to
the test."
"Gross. I would puke on you again if you ever put me through something so
disgusting. Let's just keep our usual dates of wild sex, shall we?"
"You know, for such a cleanly person you sure do have a filthy mouth."
"My mouth is one of the few things I like to keep dirty, I think you'll agree
with me there." I toasted up my mug with a jerk of my brow.
As I drank, I peeked over the rim of my cup in time to catch his tongue swiping
over his bottom lip. Yeah, he knew exactly what I was taking about. He wasn't
an idiot when his dick did the thinking for him.
Alright, so maybe Erwin wasn't as annoying as I make him seem—he managed to
take my mind off some shit for a while. I almost wanted to thank him, but
instead of scooping to his lame level, I showed my thanks by rewarding him with
silence. I could tell he was about to explode from the inappropriate
conversation being publicly exchanged, so I'm sure he was grateful.
"Getting back on track—do you still have that Maneuver Gear? Don't tell me you
still use it."
I cocked my head side to side, like I was mentally debating on whether or not
to tell the truth. Erwin already got his answer from that.
"I use it when sparingly. I bought new parts for it a few months ago though, so
it's ready to go next time I need it." And when I say bought, I mean steal, and
when I say parts, I mean I just took a brand new one for myself from the black
market. Hey, those things are expensive and Erwin didn't need to know the
details or else he'll go into father-figure-mode, which was a total turn off
and his sex appeal was all he really had going for him. Why ruin a good thing?
A fought back smile appeared as he shook his head, disapproval and amusement
battling for dominance on his features. "I'm still amazed at how you taught
yourself to use the equipment. Some recruits take forever to master it—you're a
real natural."
I groaned into my cup. "If you turn this conversation into convincing me to
enlistee in the Survey Corps I will throw this scalding hot coffee in your
face."
He put his palms up in surrender, suggesting he knew I wasn't joking about
blistering up his skin. "I'm not saying another word, Ebenezer Scrooge. You
better be careful, though, you might get visited by ghosts tonight if you keep
that attitude up around the holiday season."
Little too late for that warning.
I chugged down the rest of my coffee—I would have liked to enjoy the last of it
leisurely, but I just wanted to leave. Not because of Erwin was necessarily
bugging me (this time) but chats with him tended to drain me—everything about
him drains me.
Yes, that's a double-entendre.
Wordlessly, I excused myself from the table.
                                      ~x~
I backed into the couch and merged myself with the cushions. With my arms out-
stretched, I reflected on the chores I completed in my head, mentally checking
them off as I recited them. Dusting, check. Landry, check. Dishes, check.
Sweeping, checked—although it proved to be more trouble than it was worth. The
damn broom is shedding bristles, leaving behind a bigger mess than there was to
begin with. I tried to tighten the string holding it together, but it proved to
be a useless attempt at fixing it. During the day, hours crawled, so at least I
managed to kill extra time when I settled for sweeping up with a small scrub
brush manually on all fours, then mopping over it. Now, I was just waiting for
the floor to dry.
I went over a few other completed duties and nodded as the list came to an end.
The house was perfectly spotless—or as spotless as this shithole will get. It
was sanitary, at least. The blazing fireplace almost made it a little too
toasty in here—I was especially hot since I spent the day washing the house top
to bottom without breaks, but I figured the kids would be cold when they
arrived back. With the thought of them in mind, I checked my wristwatch then
returned my arm to the back of the couch. 2:55. They should be back any minute
now, the cafe closed at three.
Fifteen minutes later, I heard a knock. The freshly washed floor had luckily
dried before I walked across it and unlocked the door.
Stepping in fast to escape the winter assault, Eren held the wall as he removed
his shoes, Mikasa came in last, shutting the door behind her. I extended my arm
over their heads and relocked the chain and sat back down on the couch as Eren
told me about their day (in great detail). The gist of it: their duties
included cleaning the kitchen and prepping for the bakers. Odd how he wasn't
all secretive about his job now. I'll never understand this kid.
When Mikasa finally escaped from her outerwear, I had noticed her hand holding
onto a weaved handle. She walked over and set a basket down on the coffee table
before me.
"What's this?"
Finally removing his jacket and hanging it up on the hook, Eren completed the
circle around the table and pulled back the cloth to reveal a basket full of
pastries and rolls, the previously trapped scent spread across the room freely,
hiding the smell of the cleaning chemicals.
Mikasa had explained that the owner sent them home with the leftovers of the
day, since it was going to be thrown out anyways. It sure was a lot; more than
three people could eat in a day. But the thought vanished as I remembered I was
starving, having not ate all day. When I first came home I originally intended
to cook myself a proper meal, but wiping off the counter became an all-day
cleaning marathon and I forgot all about my hunger pains.
I trod off to the kitchen, telling them to warm up by the fire while I made
some tea. I didn't want either of them getting sick, especially Mikasa since
she recently recovered. Everyone knows you're the most vulnerable to get sick
again once your immune system already weakens. Within a time span of a few
minutes, I readied three cups in time to hear the whistle of the kettle going
off.
With his arm holding up his weight, Eren sat on the floor across from me, the
coffee table between us. In his other hand was a croissant, which disappeared
in a flash after gulping it down. We were making small talk—we being Eren
yapping and Mikasa and I nodding, hardly following.
"Oh, that reminds me," I wanted to tell him not to talk with his mouth full,
not because I was that kind of an adult that cared for a child's manners, but
because he was getting crumbs all over my clean fucking floor—but I was unable
to scold him because he kept talking, licking his fingers as he did. "When do
you plan on getting a tree?"
I slowed my chewing down to give myself time to think. My face suggested I
swallowed something sour, but it was his words that caused that. "Tree—what
tree?"
With a roll of his head, he clicked his tongue. "A Christmas tree, Levi, a
Christmas tree."
"Oh, that tree. Yeah, I'm not getting one. Tree's belong outside, not in the
house." The concept of Christmas trees never made much sense to me. You take a
dirty-ass tree, likely riddled with bugs and possibly wildlife infested rabies
and put it in your house. Then stick balls on it. Who the fuck made that up?
Whoever it was, I'll have what he's having.
Eren slumped forward, his arms loosely in his crossed lap as he studied me. My
expression must have settled any doubts. "Seriously? It doesn't feel like
Christmas without a tree."
"Well then, I guess Christmas isn't coming this year. What a shame."
"I think a tree would liven the place up." Mikasa settled down her cup with
both hands. "The spot over there is nice."
She pointed to the empty space in the corner of the living room, just left from
the front door. After examining the area myself, considering the fact that it
did look quite empty, I blinked back over to Mikasa and Eren, then closed my
eyes on their hopeful faces. In little circular motions I rubbed both my
temples, preparing my voice for a stricter tone. "No. Now drop it. We're not
getting a damn tree."
"Levi..."
"Don't you Levi me, we're not getting a tree, Eren."
"Pleaseeeee?" His pitch rattled right through me, making me wince. I hated when
kids begged all sing-songy.
"No—you stop that right now or so help me you won't live to see Christmas."
"Fine, fine," he flopped his back to the ground, shot down by my assertion. "I
guess I should be happy I'm not out on the street for Christmas, I shouldn't be
complaining about a tree."
This fucking kid. God damnit.
A jagged breath prepared me, but I still nearly bit off my own tongue to stop
myself from speaking. "If I say we can get a tree—will you shut up?"
How fast he sprung up, his pout inverted completely. "Yes! Well—under one
condition."
"Excuse you? Shouldn't I be the one giving conditions?" I didn't even have the
power to include myself in the pending exchange, so I scratched my previous
sentence and replaced it. "Fine, what else do you want?"
"You have to promise to help me and Mikasa decorate it."
"Ugh." I slowly closed my eyes and rested my head on the back of the couch as I
internally cursed at Eren, and cursed my own heart for how fast it started
beating.
Why—did it do that?
I didn't feel that annoyed for raged adrenaline to be pumping through me. Nor
was I embarrassed, I don't think (I'm not really sure what the emotion feels
like). Even if that was the case, why would I get embarrassed at something so
stupid, anyway? I probably ate too much of this pungent junk food. Yeah, that
was it. My heart whacking out simply meant I was about to have a heart attack.
That was more preferable than my former guess.
I wanted to get it over with and said we should leave sometime within the hour.
Once we were all fueled with sugar and tea, we headed out.
                                      ~x~
Our scenery of the busy city was replaced with an isolated white plain of land,
untouched by the freshly fallen snow from this morning. The stumps left behind
indicated a few others had this place in mind when picking out a tree, but
there were still plenty, big and small, to spare.
I still couldn't believe I was doing this. Why was I out freezing in the snow
when I could be warm at home? Why was I surrounded by filthy nature? Why was I
suddenly taking a step toward celebrating Christmas in the first time since I
was a kid? Why did I have two small children easily manipulating me into doing
such things?
All these thoughts likely came to me due to my brain being frozen—or maybe
these children were evil. Instead of being blessed with guardian angels they
were little demons that wanted to make my life hell.
For the record, brain-frosted delusions mixed with holding an ax was not a good
combination.
The snow had stopped falling, making browsing a little more bearable as we
scouted out the perfect tree. When I say we, naturally I mean the kids since
this was their idea of fun after all. I stood behind, distracting myself from
the cold by watching a nearby cardinal; its red feathers contrasting intensely
against the white backdrop. It dug its beak into the snow with hopes of fishing
out a worm.
The bird flapped its wings and flew away from Eren's abrupt shout. "This one's
perfect!"
I cracked my neck just trying to glance up to the top of the tree Eren picked
out, his arms spread wider than his grin as he boosted about the tree like a
salesman.
"That's a big-ass tree. How about we try to find one that will actually fit in
the house."
Mikasa was a little away from us. The tree beside her equaled her body and a
half in height. "What about this one?" Her voice was muffled behind her scarf.
"No way, I don't want some midget tree." Eren said, his tone contemptuous.
"Eren, don't use words like midget, it's rude." I actually had no clue why I
just said that. Offensive terms never bothered me, I wouldn't even bat a lash
if Eren choose to slip out a swear word, but for some reason my scold came out
on its own (without warning, I might add). I didn't have time to ponder why
because Eren was looking at me, alarmed.
"Did...did you just defend the tree?"
We blinked at each other. The hollowing wind filled the silent void.
"I don't understand how it's possible to be rude to a tree." he said, his bangs
swaying in the frigid air as he ruminated.
I groaned and left my imprints behind in the snow as I approached Mikasa. "Just
for being a smartass, this is the tree we're getting."
"No! It's too small!"
"Eren, stop being mean to the tree." Mikasa added in my defense with a serious
tone, but honestly I really wasn't defending the god damn tree. The word Eren
used just didn't settle with me right and I spoke on impulse. Eren looked
between both of us like we were abusing substance.
"What's wrong with you two?" His voice went down a few levels when he labeled
us weirdos under his foggy breath.
This whole tree nonsense has gotten out of control. I didn't even want to
understand what just happened. I just wanted to take a damn tree and go home to
warmth.
It was Mikasa's idea to bring along a flat board attached to some rope for a
way to transport the tree back to the house. I'm glad she suggested it, because
I didn't know the first thing about lugging along something that was so awkward
to carry.
Without Eren's consent, Mikasa and I settled on the smaller tree and after a
few chops with my ax it fell heavily into the snow.
"If this thing has any pissed off squirrels in it and it gets stuck in my
house, I'm blaming you, Eren." I pointed at him with the ax.
"Wha—Why me? You're the one that got attached to the stupid tiny tree, not me!"
"Stop calling it names, Eren, you're going to upset Levi again."
"Mikasa." I cut her off with a subtle warning. "That's enough—just bring that
board over here so I can slide it on."
After making sure the tree was secured, I rested the ax on my shoulder and
started walking, telling them that if they wanted the tree so badly, it's their
job to get it back to the house. There was a whine from Eren, but he quickly
submitted to pulling along the tree, knowing it was only fair.
Before we even made it back into town, Eren had given up and scooped to a low
level of allowing his sister to haul the tree by herself. I was going to
replace his spot and help her out, but pulling with one hand as she was as she
casually sighted her surroundings made it look incredibly easy. Eren might be
right, she does seem ridiculously strong.
We made a stop at a local shop, I offered Eren and Mikasa money to get
essentials and decorations for the tree, but they refused, saying they would
pay with their own money they earned today. I shrugged my shoulders.
Browsing the store for ugly hooked figures and shiny balls held no interest for
me, so waited outside and smoked until they returned with a few bags in hand. I
took the load from Mikasa and offered a switch in pulling the tree, but she
resumed the position and declined. Well, I offered. That was about the last
drop of generosity I would have this season.
Back at the house, I reluctantly helped them get the tree-stand under the tree,
making it stand just a few inches taller now. Eren folded his arms as he stared
at the bare tree with hostility, like he was going to beat it up. What
difference does the size of a tree make? It's just going to be thrown away
after Christmas anyways. It had branches to stick stupid ornaments on—isn't
that the only part that mattered?
I made another round of tea to warm us up. Mikasa was arranging the items out
of the bags for easier access and Eren threw a few logs on the fire. After
placing the tray of tea cups down on the coffee table, I took one for myself
and stood next to the tree with Mikasa, sending my own share of dirty looks at
it. It must feel very unwelcomed in this home.
...Why is it that this tree keeps being treated like an actual living thing.
That needs to stop.
Having not shopped with them, all the decorations they bought were new to me,
so I inspected them all. It's the usual traditional junk everyone puts on
Christmas trees: shiny glass balls, bells, creepy hooked figures of angels and
cardinals and tinsel—which I wasn't happy to see, that shit sheds everywhere.
Now that I thought about it, pine trees shed too. It was going to be a
challenge to maintain this area with a broken broom. I scowled into my mug.
Eren returned from the mantel and squeezed his way between Mikasa and myself,
splitting us apart and nearly knocking my arm enough to spill my drink.
"The shop ran out of stars."
"Hm?"
"You know, the star that goes at the top of the tree?" I assumed they went out
of stock since normal people tend to have their tree up and finished by this
time of the month. He bent down to the decorations neatly spread out on the
floor and picked one up. "We got an angel to put on the top, though."
I took the eyesore from his hands. It looked more like a doll than a tree
topper—it was a generic angel with a halo over her blonde hair, a harp held
against the white silk dress and wide extending wings, that were made from
actual feathers. I tilted the figure to inspect it further. Under her dress was
a hollow tunnel that was formed in order to penetrate a tree branch in it, to
keep it in place on the tree. Well now, that doesn't seem like a very holy way
to treat an angel.
"Don't put it on yet," Eren pulled the angel away from me. "That goes on last."
"Does it really matter?" Whether it was put on now or later didn't matter to
me, but I didn't see why it was an important rule to finish off the top of the
tree last.
"Have you ever even decorated a tree before?"
"A long time ago." I replied to him and set my load on the couch, sipping my
tea. "I'll let you guys get started, I'll help later." I was hoping I could sit
this out and not have to decorate the tree at all, but I had a feeling I
wouldn't escape the chore that easy. They wanted the tree, so why not just do
it all themselves? My assistance wasn't needed, if anything I would just get in
the way.
"I have trouble believing you even celebrated any holiday to be honest." Eren
was turned away from me when he received the honor of placing the first
ornament on.
"I'll have you know I celebrated two holidays this time of year, actually. My
father grew up celebrating Christmas, and my mother grew up celebrating
Hanukkah, so we would just merge the two together." My head heaved back at the
words floating before me. A draft from my past has breezed in again. I just
wanted to prove the brat wrong, but my counter-attack proved to stun me even
worse.
On his tip toes with his arms stretched out, he hooked a figure blindly as his
gaze rose over the line of his arm, his eyes on me. The tree's too small my
ass, he can barely reach the midsection.
"What's...Hanukkah? I never heard of it."
As much as I felt I did enough just by allowing a Christmas tree in the house,
I decided not to ruin the mood by snapping at him with a simple 'shut up' and
instead explained. I didn't mind, really, but it was still strange to talk
about given the fact I never mentioned it before. At that moment I realized
Eren and Mikasa knew more about my personal history than any presently living
being.
"I'm not surprised that you never heard of it. My mother used to tell me that
different nationalities used to have different holidays, and she was a
descendent of the Jewish race that lived in a place called Israel before the
Titans arrived. After that, a lot of races, languages and traditions were lost,
but my mother used to tell me stories about my ancestors and how their
legacy—so to speak—was past down, along with their customs. Her side of the
family just felt compelled to kept it alive, I suppose. And so, Hanukkah was
one of those traditions."
It was a lot to take in, so he simply nodded. Mikasa, however, removed herself
from decorating the tree, looked at me with interest held in her eyes and kept
the topic going with a sad half-smile. "My mother was Japanese and passed down
traditions that a lot of people never heard of, too. I plan to pass it down to
my children someday, even though I'm only half-blooded."
We were on different pages but in the same book as far as our bloodline went.
"My mother was the last pure blood of her race as far as I know—making me only
half as well. But, I guess a century of passing down stories was a waste; it's
just going to be lost in this generation since I'm never having children." I
chortled in my throat bitterly but washed it away with a steamy gulp.
Eren shook his head. "It won't be forgotten. You just told us about it—doesn't
that mean you're still keeping your bloodlines memory alive?"
"You're so lame."
"I'm serious." The sharp look shot at me was enough to blow the cocky look off
my face. "I want to know more. What did you do on Hanukkah?"
"Well," my memories were fuzzy, it's been so long. My mental flashbacks coming
in guided my speech. "My mother would light something called a menorah. Every
night, we were only to light one of the candles attached to it for eight days
and exchange one gift. My father came from a French bloodline, so we did also
celebrate Christmas."
"Man, you must've gotten a lot of presents."
"Eh, not really. I was mostly given clothes. I'd only get a toy or two out of
it all. But anyway, my father told me stories of Père Noël—" I was cut off
there.
"Huh? I never heard that name before—are you sure you were celebrating
Christmas?"
I nodded. "He's just the French version of Santa—the only difference being he's
thin, not fat and he leaves gifts in your shoes, not stockings."
"In your shoes? That's kind of weird."
"Not much difference in hanging up oversize socks over the mantel. Even now
you're putting balls on a pine tree—holidays are just fucking weird kid, don't
question it."
He chucked, a dangling ornament hanging from his fingers by the hook. "I want
to hear more about this Père guy."
"Not much to tell, he's the same deal as Santa, just little alterations. If
memory serves me right, I believe he has a twin named Père Fouettard who whips
all the naughty children."
"Whips?! Geez... Santa only would give out coal if you were bad." The jingling
ring of a bell sounded in the room as he struggled to get it attached to the
branch. "Oh, and for the record I don't actually believe in Santa anymore, I
just like the stories this time of year."
"Same here." Mikasa agreed. I was a little surprised by that. She looked the
type like she still believed in stuff like that. They both did, actually. They
were young enough to get away with believing in him. It was kind of sad.
"But it's good to still keep certain traditions alive, even if you just simply
talk about it."
I frowned in amusement at Mikasa's words, deliberating whether it really
mattered or not in the end. It made interesting conversation at least, but the
topic of Santa and Christmas in general could get tedious after a while.
Luckily it only came once a year.
"So are you going to help us or just sit there all day?" Eren smiled warmly at
me and with a huff I removed myself from the comfort of the couch. I really
didn't want to, but I had a feeling I didn't have a choice. I bent to pick up
an ugly reindeer and plopped it carelessly on the branch.
"There. Can I sit back down now?"
"No." Eren placed a goofy looking snowman, that looked to be hand carved, into
my hand.
We all fell mute as we focused on cluttering up the tree, the silence only
breaking when a glass ball slipped from Eren's gawky hand. He gave a panicked
gasp as the ball juggled between his hands. He was unable to land a firm grasp
in the air as it bounced a final time off his palm. Upon impact with the
ground, it shattered into hundreds of sharp shards.
"Ugh..." I inspected the damage.
Eren picked one of his bare feet up awkwardly off the floor, being sure not to
step in the glass. "Oops! I'll go clean it up!"
"No, I got it. It will be more troublesome if you cut yourself and get blood
everywhere."
I returned back from the kitchen with a dust pan and cleaning brush, being sure
not to nick myself on the glass in the process of getting into a kneeling
position.
"Wouldn't it be easier to use the broom?"
I puffed at the obvious claim. "Yes, but it's not cooperating with me today.
This will have to do."
"Are you sure you don't need any help?" Mikasa added.
"Yes, I'm quite sure. But please back up, I would want you to cut yourse—"
I had just just cut myself.
Holding up my wrist, I grunted at the sting forming on the heel of my palm.
Seriously—Seriously? I hate today.
I murmured curses under my breath. If the kids just let me concentrate this
wouldn't have happened.
"I'll go get a bandage!" Eren feet pattered away and I pushed my uninjured hand
against my knee for support to stand, examining the leaking blood traveling
down my arm. I yanked up my sleeve—blood stains were a bitch to get out.
Eren returned and pulled me by the shirt, gesturing me to sit on the couch
beside him. The first thing he did was wipe the blood away with a damp rag.
With a pair of tweezers, he plucked out the fragment of glass stuck in my skin.
I hissed and with the blockage cleared, my hand bled even more.
"Sorry—does it hurt?"
No, of course not. Having glass stabbed deep into my hand doesn't hurt at all.
It felt fantastic. Too bad my pain tolerance only kicked in when my blood was
seething—unfortunate that's just how my body operated so the throbbing sting
coursing through my whole arm right now did in fact hurt.
"Hold some pressure here." He took my other hand and guided it on the rag as he
sorted through the supplies in his lap. Once he poured alcohol on the cut, he
took a long bandage and wrapped it tightly around my hand dexterously with
careful precision.
"Since when are you so handy?" He didn't even hesitant and quickly gathered
supplies to tend to the wound. He didn't seem the type to even know the first
step to take.
"Well, my dad's a doctor so I seen him do stuff like this a few times." The
bandage was still being wreathed around my hand. I almost told l him that was
enough but the blood seeping through told me otherwise.
"We really need to find your dad." I said suddenly. "I'm sure he misses you
kids a lot." They were brats, yes, but they were good kids—very good kids. Any
decent father would be devastated not knowing where their children where. It
was a shame they were split up in the first place, but I suppose the situation
made it unavoidable.
"He's not an easy man to find." I just now noticed Mikasa was seated beside me
on the armrest of the couch, watching Eren nursing me. "We've been looking for
a very long time now."
"Don't give up. You'll find him." The encouragement came out empty and I'm sure
the kids detected how hopeless my words sounded, but I knew they were words
that needed to be said or else they might end up giving up for good.
"Yeah." He snipped the bandage and tucked the edge of it securely so it
wouldn't unravel. I held up my arm, admiring his handy work. For such a clumsy
kid he did a good job.
My hand was suddenly tugged from my line sight and clinched by Eren's hand and
then his other as it was dragged down to rest on his thigh, holding on tight to
my fingers with his own. I blinked at him, noticing the way his lids fluttered
and struggled to stay open suddenly.
A child's energy was a strange thing: they can go so long without a break, or
even sleep or fuel, but when they finally settle their bodies, their sleepiness
catches up with them all at once. I didn't pull my hand away from his and I
didn't nudge his head off my shoulder when it supported against me; the heat of
his steadying breath warming up a spot on my arm.
"Looks like he fell asleep."
"Yeah." I replied absently to Mikasa and just kept studying his relaxed
features close to mine, secretly fighting back thoughts of how adorable he was.
Chapter End Notes
     This chapter started to get way too long because I got off track, so
     I'm going to split it into two parts.
     Oh, and -awkward cough- the next chapter might seem a little pedo-
     y BUT IT'S NOT. JUST RELATIONSHIP BUILDING FOR THE FUTURE. Okay, Levi
     might be a little pedo because their relationship will begin when
     Eren is a teenager but shhh their love is legendary. Unfortunately
     that isn't for a while since I still have more story to cover before
     I get to that, plus the Erwin ship is relevant here since they have
     history soooo yesh. Commander Handsome will be in the next chapter as
     well, but he won't be around after that for a while. -WHINES LOUDLY-
     But don't be sad, I'm including a new character we all love soon~
***** Promises *****
Chapter Summary
     An amusing conversation takes an unbelievable turn and Levi is left
     baffled at Eren's words. The kids try to make Christmas and Levi's
     birthday a good day, but it ends with Levi annoyed and red in the
     face. The celebrating doesn't end there, because he's greeted by one
     more uninvited guest.
Chapter Notes
     Hey...guys...remember when I said the last chapter was long? THIS ONE
     IS NEARLY TWICE AS LONG (it was even longer but I cut a lot out!)
     WHAT—HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? I swear, I really just planned on having a
     brief Christmas chapter but it turned into a cluttered nightmare. I
     was going to split this chapter too, but three chapters to cover this
     arc is just ridiculous so here you go, long-ass chapter!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The crackling of the fire was replaced with the logs smoldering in the pit. A
chill was sent over the living room; making me frigidly stiff, but the rest of
my body wasn't nearly as stiff as my shoulder—Eren really did have a big, heavy
head.
Mikasa and I passed the time for an hour or so making small talk as Eren slept
not-so-soundly against (he groaned and sighed heavy in his sleep) but this
didn't disrupt our conversation. Little fragments about her parents and some of
the traditions they shared were revealed to me. As curious as I was, I didn't
ask about what happened to them. Reliving the good times made her happy, I
didn't want to be the reason for reminding her of the bad. Since we almost had
an unspoken gift of telepathy between us, I'm sure she suspected that was the
single question I wished to ask, but she didn't give in and ended the night on
a pleasant note.
With a light yawn, she showed herself to her room with a gentle "goodnight". I
sat a while longer, tsking at the heap nestled compactly against me.
Being in the contiguous position I was, my strained eyes cornered down at an
angle, getting a close inspection of the messy brunette hair brushing up
against my neck. Eren's breathing was steady, almost calm, yet his eyes moved
rapidly under his lids, sealed shut by his dark lashes. A morsel of
disappointment overcame me. It was almost a crime to see his teal-green irises
hidden from view because he honestly had the most beautiful fucking eyes I've
ever seen in my life.
Deciding against waking him, my shoulder was replaced with my palm, holding his
head securely until I got a firm hold around him. As his arms dangled off my
shoulders, I held him up by his thighs until we reached his bed.
Being mindful not to startle him out of a dream, I laid him down easy on the
mattress and retreated up, his arms loosely dragging away from my shoulders the
further I pulled us apart from each other.
The same body that was so loose a second ago tightened. Even though his eyes
remained shut, his face held so much expression, grimacing and squishing his
features. Tossing his head side to side on the pillow, his arms surrounded my
neck once more, nearly strangling me with the force as he heaved me headfirst.
My footing was lost immediately. Standing in an awkward slant as I was, it only
took a tug to throw me off balance and send me tumbling over Eren.
My fist dented into the mattress, my teeth showing. Fucking brat, what is he
pulling—well, me obviously, but why? Is he even sleeping?
Watery eyes were revealed when his lids pulled apart, fluttering once or twice
to clear his vision that likely appeared to me tricking him, because from
another perspective my current position looked awful. Like thirty-years-to-life
awful.
"W-What are you—you really are a perv!" The room was dim, but I didn't need a
spotlight in order to see that his face was blazing red; I can feel the heat
radiating from his cheeks.
"For Christ sake Eren. I was putting you to bed and you fucking yanked me in
with you." For a kid, he was strong and I half-wondered how strong he'd be with
full alertness.
"Oh. Sorry." Finally, he collected his arms from me, using one of them to wipe
his sleep on. "I was—I was having a bad dream." he said as if he just recalled.
Being shaken up from a nightmare would explain why he clung to me, but there
was no explanation as to why he resumed doing just that a second later. One of
his hands went from my shoulder to my face, tracing the indentations of the
structure blindly as if trying to figure out what expression was concealed
beneath the shadows. His fingertips were warm and just a little clammy and I
was almost tempted to respond to his touch by rubbing my cheek into his soft
palm.
"Sleep with me."
All motion stopped, even my breathing. I moved his hand away by the wrist.
Something that sounded like a half-laugh and a half-groan of disgust mixed
together and poured from my mouth. "Listen, kid, I might be a criminal but I
don't touch little boys. It's not my style."
"What are you talking about?" The pitch he used was a little higher than usual,
and he made unnecessary emphasis where it wasn't needed. Either he was slurring
from fatigue or it was an attempt to show his mood through his words, not his
face that was difficult to detect. "I just want you to lay next to me, even if
it's only until I fall asleep."
"Oh." He meant that kind of sleep. You know you get around a lot when you
assume the former.
Believe it or not, I actually complied and scooted under the warmth of the
blanket. Whatever the dream was about, it must have spooked him enough to scoop
low and vaguely ask me to guard him. When I was his age, I didn't have anyone
to protect me, so I could at least do this much no matter how awkward it was to
sleep with a kid you had no relations to.
Eren rolled away, facing the wall. The back of my hand was relaxed on my
forehead as I blinked several times at the ceiling.
"Levi—what did you mean when you said you won't touch me? You've touch me
plenty of times, what does that have to do with you being a criminal?"
I opened an eye in his direction, dropping my jaw before the correct phrasing
came out. "I was referring to a different kind of touch. If you don't know what
I'm talking about than you're too young and we'll have to end the conversation
here."
Rolling back to me, Eren rested on his side, holding the blanket over his
mouth. I peeked his interest. Fuck.
"I'm going to be thirteen in March, that's not young."
"To me it is."
He wiggled against the mattress, a tantrum building up. "That's because
you're old. Everyone is young to you."
I take it back—he's not cute. Not cute at all. I closed my eyes, silently
ending the conversation. Just as my lungs caught on to a steady rhythm, Eren
voice rang right next to my ear.
"Please tell me?"
Kids never know when to just drop it, do they? "I'm not going to be held
responsible for tainting your little mind even more than it has been already.
Now if you don't shut up, I'll have to leave and go to my own room."
"...Does this have to do with puberty?" Eren waited a long while for my reply.
"...Sort of." Why was I even answering him? I suppose I didn't find the
conversation boring—and I wasn't exactly tired since I was just suddenly told
to lay down. "How much do you know?"
"About what?"
"Puberty, Eren."
"Um..." He flopped to his back, looking to the ceiling for answers. "I noticed
my voice changing...and I get weird urges I didn't have before."
"There you go; that's what I'm referring to—urges, ones you didn't have
before."
"Like what?"
"For fucks sake Eren. Don't make me be so specific." I pinched between my
creasing brows. "You know—like urges to touch others or even yourself. In a way
that feels ...good." First of all, what the fuck. Second of all, who the fuck
am I? This isn't me. I feel like a father giving the birds and the bees talk.
I'm not trained enough in this area—okay that's a lie, I was very trained in
sexual activity, a scholar, really, but that's only because I experimented
until I figured out what-goes-where. I never had the talk, though.
"Oh. That's normal?" he said.
"...What."
A hushed squeal became muffled by the blanket held over his head, but I soon
heard an embarrassed giggle coming from beneath. "I do that already. You know,
like, touching myself..."
I propped up, my elbow on the pillow. I suddenly found the topic amusing. I
never before witnessed puberty blossoming right before my eyes. It's like the
trivial side to nature unfold before you.
"When did this start?" I had to know the dirty details—I like sex and I like
talking about it, even if the source was coming from a dumb virgin.
"...A few days ago."
". . . . . ." A few days ago? I hadn't expected that, I thought he'd say a
few months ago at least—of course I was a poor-excuse for a human and couldn't
block out the images of him doing that in my house, in this bed, likely even my
bed too. Ugh. Perverted brat was making me perverted. It's contagious.
Call it a coincidence, but the most significant event within the past few days
that was relevant to the topic was Eren coming to my work.
...My performance influenced the birth of his arousal, didn't it?
I wanted to be sure, but knowing Eren he wouldn't be straight about it—as
straight as a little curious boy who witnessed a males erotic performance could
be.
"Is there a reason why you started, or was it just random?"
There was a very long uncomfortable pause. "Yeah, it was kind of random."
I bet his ears are on fire.
I could tell he was embarrassed, even though I felt like I was talking to a
fucking bundle of blankets since he remained hidden, but I cut him slack and
nodded into my palm. "Well, all I'll say is it's totally normal."
"It doesn't seem normal, it's kind of weird, doing stuff like that."
"Yeah, but everyone does it at one point, even me." That was what you would
call my failed attempt at comforting.
He finally peeked from the edge of the blanket. "Really? You too?"
"When the mood strikes me." I spit out quickly to get the reply over with, then
rolled to my back and spoke to the ceiling. "But listen, Eren, it's normal to
do that stuff, but it's also private so don't go around talking about it openly
to others unless you like them in a special way—like if you want to touch them.
Got it?"
Okay, so maybe I'm a hypocrite—a person didn't have to be special to me in
order to bone, but they did have to be hot. With a nice body, that was a must.
And be the owner of a nice piece. I received a mental image of Erwin: he most
definitely fit that bill.
"That means we're special to each other, since we're talking about it now."
No, no not at all. Got it all wrong again, dumbass. I hated when he twisted my
words. "We're not special in that kind of way."
"Why not?"
"You're fucking twelve. I ain't touching you with a fifty-foot pole. I'd
consider it if you were older."
"So you would touch me, is what you're saying." A glint of a satisfied smirk
was floating in his words.
". . . . . ." This kid should be a lawyer with the way he picks apart sentences
to find what he wants to hear. I brushed his bangs and put my palm on his
forehead.
"O-Oh—I—This is not the kind of touch I was talking about, but you're the adult
here, I guess you'd know more than me."
"Idiot. I'm checking if you have a fever because you're acting strange."
"How is that strange? You just said it was normal!"
"Let me add something to clear up your confusion: it's normal for adults. It's
fine if you want to experiment on yourself, but don't expect others to join you
in such activates until you're at least a teenager."
Irritatedly, Eren rolled his head away from my hand, cursing something under
his breath. "What difference does it make how old I am? You do stuff like that
and so do I...so why not just do it together? No one would know."
God is testing me.
Not even metaphorically speaking—this is an actual test from God right before
me; deciding right now whether or not I'd go to Hell or Heaven, that kind of
test, but it was cloaked in the image of a little boy. This is what they call
one of life challenges that placed you between a fork in the road: you can
either take the moral, safe route, or the corrupt, tempting road.
Until now I never put in the situation to think about it, but it wasn't that I
didn't like Eren, I just didn't like his age. As long as a guy (or girl on some
occasions) is decent looking, that's enough for me. I had my own list of kinks,
but this damn age barrier proved to be out of my zone completely; not even
worth the time to consider the pros and cons.
The kid was annoying, rude and not even close to my ideal type (but definitely
had the potential to be, depending on what the rest of puberty had in store for
him) but he was also a good kid underneath it all and at times I found him
unbearably cute but...no. I'll have to pass this opportunity up. If only he was
a few years older, I would have took the invitation and went wild with
it—demonstrating all his naïve questions with toe-curling actions.
There was something that occurred to me shortly after coming to my final
decision—it passed me up the first time around given how typical it is for guys
to offer me sexual favors, so I didn't think twice at first, but it hit me that
Eren was asking me—another boy.
"Do you think you're attracted to boys or something?"
He shrugged into his pillow, angling his head slightly my way. "I don't know, I
never really thought deeply about it before—is it weird if I do, though?"
"Nope, not at all. It's natural. Even I like boys more than girls." Of course I
left out the part where I never actually liked anyone before and just had
meaningless sex with people, but who needs details? I didn't give him time to
reply to my confession, knowing he would have a comment on it. "What about
Mikasa, though? Technically you aren't brother and sister, I thought you two
might hit it off in a few years."
"Nah. I mean, I like Mikasa a lot and I think she's really pretty, but I just
don't see her that way—like someone I'd marry or something."
"I see. Have you ever had a crush on a boy before?" When I was his age, I
thought it was strange to have an interest in boys since all I seen was couples
made up of the opposite gender—I really thought something was wrong with me;
that a negative aspect of my life affected me until I discovered there were
more people like me (very late in life, I might add).
I ended up spending a good portion of my life confused about sexuality—this was
probably because I was alone and had no one to question about it, so it was
refreshing to tell Eren the facts, even if he's just bi-curious for now. At
least he'd know down the line that it is perfectly fine to screw whoever he
wants without feeling guilty about it, like I did for a while.
"I kind of liked my friend Armin, but since we're close friends I decided it
wasn't a good idea. I got over those feelings though, but lately it's like I
know what a real crush actually feels like."
I closed my eyes slowly, my lips tensing. I meant to say the following in my
head, but the words built up and overflowed from my lips. "Please don't say
you're referring to me."
He hid under the blanket again, his voice roaring in a jitter. "S-So what if I
am? What's so bad about it? I thought you said it's natural."
"For starters, I'm twelve years older than you. Even when you finally are an
adult, I'll be in my thirties. There's no telling if we'd even be in touch that
many years from now."
He curled his legs around the blanket, his hands squeezing at the fabric. He
scooted in a little closer until his head was rested on my shoulder. "I don't
care. I got used to the idea of you being an old man. But I still like you. I
don't mind if I have to wait."
I breathed deeply as I nudged Eren's head off me belligerently. "Listen—Eren.
If you want my advice, just push those feelings away before they get out of
hand. Find someone your own age, like that Armin friend of yours. You'll be
happy in the long run. If you're serious about liking me, I'll telling you
right now you're bound to get hurt. There's zero chance of it working out."
I pulled out the facts with little remorse. It may have sounded cruel directed
to a young boy, but it was better than telling him he had a chance of leading a
happy and domestic life with me if he held onto such feelings for years to
come. I suspected these feelings were just a phase, though. Children went
through a lot of phases, right? This is temporary. It's late, he's probably
tired and confused—he can't be serious about this. If he is being serious, at
least I told him how it is.
I wasn't sure where this side of Eren was coming from, but I was sure of one
thing: I wasn't going to tear this kids heart apart while it's still mending.
At that age, it's really not possible to have serious feelings for someone.
There wasn't much to worry about—he was likely just very grateful to me and was
confusing those feelings with a crush.
The blanket fell off him as he sat up slowly. The slow motion had me unprepared
for his sudden lunge into my gut, he pinned me down from above, those eyes of
his practically burning the dark away with a teal-green glow.
"You don't get it, that's not how feelings work." He wasn't brave enough to
keep that heated contact long, so he disconnected our gaze by looking to the
side. "The only way you can hurt me is by telling me it won't work out before
giving it a chance. I know I have nothing to offer you right now; I know I'm
just a stupid kid mooching off you, but in a few years I'll be stronger and
smarter. If you don't find anyone you love by then, I want you to think about
giving me a chance. After that, if you don't feel the same, I'll give up and
take your advice. But you can't be the one giving up before trying—aren't you
the one who told me that?"
This is the first time I actually felt trapped—not physically (I could easily
fling him off me if I wanted to) but I felt emotionally cornered. I never had
someone confess their feelings to me, not with passion. A few one night stands
would utter their love for me in the heat of climax or a few morons at the club
would claim to be interested in dating me, but it was all easily detected as
lies just to get in my pants. But Eren's words were spoken with genuine
honesty, every syllable as passionate as his eyes.
I hated to make promises I couldn't keep, but I nodded against the pillow.
Thinking he couldn't see the gesture, I exhaled out, "Whatever. But don't hold
your breath." It wasn't a promise for the future. It was more of my way of
getting him to shut up about this ridiculous conversation.
I was still thrown off by the whole situation—one second he's knocking on my
door asking for medicine, the next he's living with me and influencing me to
unlock all my cluttered baggage before him and now he's pinning me down while
claiming I'm his first crush.
Eren retracted away slightly, giving my face some breathing room. He didn't
look pleased but he didn't look upset either. He was still hunched over, his
hands still on either side of my face as he remained seated on my torso. I
wondered how long he was going to stay there.
The heat of his passion died down a little, but he still remained in the
situation, forcing him to own up to the responsibility. "I know that all
seemed really weird—but I've just been feeling weird lately, okay? I can't help
it. Sorry, but I still mean what I said, I really like you."
"Why?" I said sharply, barely allowing a beat to pass. I was beyond skeptic.
Maybe him explaining these 'feelings' of his could paint a better picture.
"I guess—everything? You're rude I'll admit, even scary sometimes, but you're a
very kind person underneath it all. I like that you're not caring for
praise—you purposely avoid praise, actually. That means you're not phoney or
doing it for others approval, but just caring about others with nothing in
return is enough to satisfy you." He withdrew his hands from the sides of my
head, they rod across my chest until they slid close enough to support his
rickety posture. "You're also v-very good looking..."
God damnit he's fucking adorable.
I couldn't say I agreed with his claim about me, but his words hit me harder
than the time I got knocked in the head with a baseball bat—yeah, his words
really hit that hard. I tilted my head to the side, masking my face with the
back of my hand. I could feel Eren's fingers tightening on my shirt.
"Your heart is beating really fast."
"Shut. Up."
It really was though, the beating throbbed through my entire body. I can almost
hear my blood circulating.
My voice cut off before I was able to speak, and Eren bent down, his hands
cupping my shoulders as he stared intently at my mouth, anticipating the words
about to come out.
"...Get off me."
"Awh. I thought you were going to say something romantic. Mood-ruiner."
Complying, he crawled back to his side of the bed, taking more than his share
of the blanket with him. I was entirely too hot for a blanket anyways. What is
this kid doing to me? No—it can't be his doing. All that binge drinking was
coming back to me, that had to be it—that better be it or else I'm in trouble.
"Before we sleep, can I ask one more thing?"
"This is the last thing, Eren." I was actually getting tired—tired of this
conversation, that is. This previously interesting chat about an innocent child
being kissed by puberty took an unsettling turn.
"What age do I have to be—you know, for us to be together?"
I almost laughed, but then realized he's being serious. I didn't have the heart
to tell him there wasn't any guarantee we'd ever be together after he poured
his emotions all over me, but the truth is, I went this far in life without
ever having a serious lover and didn't see it happening, but I humored him
despite my low intentions.
"You'll just whine if I say eighteen, so how about..." I thought a while,
sorting through ages I found disturbing and settled on "fifteen."
That was still dangerously young and I wasn't sure if I was even comfortable
with that, but then I recalled that's the age I started screwing around by my
own will, I'd be a hypocrite to decline him at fifteen when I already had my
share of sexual experience by that age (with people even older than myself, I
should add). It all depended on how well Eren matured in those years and what
his personality would transform into. Eh, well, even if he changed I'd still
fuck him, but that was about it. That was all that would likely happen between
us, if that.
"So, not next Christmas, but the next?"
"No, you said your birthday is in March, so you'll have to wait an additional
three months."
"Oh c'mon! That's so not fair!"
"I said fifteen, not fourteen. Either you agree with those conditions or you
get nothing."
He squished his lips side to side and I could tell he was thinking out loud
with his following words. "Hmm. I guess that would be a good birthday
present—if you touch me, then it would become the best present."
"Geez, Eren. You're just a hormonal wreck, aren't you?"
"I don't really know what that means but probably."
I remember getting desperate hormones at that age too. Good times.
Joking aside, I wouldn't take advantage of him as he is now, no matter how much
consent he gave me, or how much he begs or hints. I didn't have many rules for
myself, I acted on impulsive desire with little regret: If I wanted to get
high, I'd score some drugs. If I wanted something, I'd steal it. If I was
horny, I'd fucking whatever was in front of me if they were decent looking.
But Eren—he was young and puberty was doing the talking for him right now, but
he might regret the decision later in life if I went through with it. He had
enough of bad memories, I didn't want to add to that.
So no, I didn't turn into a child predator and lay a single finger on him that
night. I did, however, dream about it. As much as I was appalled, I was greeted
with a morning wake up call of my bodies unmoral reaction to the dream. God
shouldn't dangle tempting bait in front of me. Nightmares and haunting memories
were preferable over wet dreams about a twelve year old. For the first time I
felt my sins went too far.
Definitely secured a spot in hell after that one.
                                      ~x~
The next few days passed uneventfully. The only time I left the house was to
pick up some groceries and cigarettes while the children were still occupied
with their part-time job. While at the shops and noticing everyone buying gifts
for their loved ones, I half-considered getting gifts for Eren and Mikasa
(scary, I know) but changed my mind last minute. For one, I had no clue what to
get them. They were too old for toys and I already purchased them clothes.
Candy was always in the house (one of my friends had a sweet tooth so it
remains a habit to keep sweets in stock) so it wouldn't make much of a gift. I
don't know why I even thought of getting them anything. I never got a gift for
anyone, not even my friends. Maybe that Christmas tree planted in my living
room staring me down with a festive glare was making me bask in holiday cheer,
or maybe it was indigestion and I needed to puke. It was hard to tell.
I had temperately dropped my nocturnal lifestyle and been awake during the
daytime, which proved to be boring as hell while I wait for the kids to come
back. I had nothing to do other than clean and sneak a few shots of whiskey to
keep my sanity. When the kids got home it was another job on its own to keep
them busy. It was more entertaining than rewashing the floor five times over
during the day, though. How do those housewives manage?
The only notable difference these past few days was my sleeping arrangements.
I've been crashing in Eren's room or he's been sleeping in mine. If there was a
reason behind this, then I didn't know, but I did know that it didn't make an
ounce of sense. The reason I gave Eren his own bedroom was to make space
between us. It wasn't much of a bothersome request of him, though, since it
didn't really make a difference where I slept and it made the brat smile when I
agreed.
It should also be noted that Eren didn't let go of the subject of this crush he
declared the other night. He hasn't change much, but there was a new tradition
between us: every might before we'd go to sleep, he promises me that he'll make
me happy when he's older; along with something about exploring the world
together. His ramblings of future plans would go on until his voice faded from
my consciousness. All I could think during his speeches was that he already had
more charisma than an adult.
The first thing I did upon wakening was nudge Eren's big head off my shoulder,
only to discover my sleeve was drenched in drool. What a wonderful way to start
off the morning of Christmas, but being half asleep as I was, I didn't even
realize what year it was, never mind the day.
I wandered in the kitchen, removing the cap of my coffee jar once I reached the
counter only to discover there wasn't enough of coffee to make even a single
cup. Damnit. There's not even any stores open today to get more. How was I
going to get through this day without any coffee?
My hips were suddenly restricted by a tight grasp. Unable to move, I twisted my
spine to look at the beaming brat clinging to me. This had been a new habit
lately, too; Eren would randomly hug me out of no where even after all the
times I told him not to touch me—he was more affectionate since he professed
his feelings for me.
"Levi~ Guess what today is?"
"The day you move out?"
"You're really cold." He pouted, finally releasing me and I turned to him, my
back against the counter.
"Merry Christmas! And—"
Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't fucking say it.
"Happy birthday."
Ugh. He just had to say it, didn't he?
"Now you're even older—I hope I got enough..." he mumbled, and I didn't catch
the end of his sentence.
"What did you say?"
"I said do you want me to heat up water for your coffee."
"Are you going to heat it with your ears, liar?" A dumbfounded expression was
on his face as he massaged his lobe, checking for himself how scalding it was.
Who cares—I don't want to know what he said anyways. "I ran out of coffee.
Suppose I'll have to do without today." I twisted the cap back on hostility.
Eren was in deep thought over the time span of a few seconds, he then slowed
his blinking with a sigh, his joints slumped. "Man... I was hoping to give
this later but I guess it can't be helped now."
"...What? Is talking in riddles a Christmas tradition of yours?"
"Just wait here."
I was left behind, scratching my head until he returned.
"Here." He set a large, clear jar filled to the rim with brown grain on the
counter. Pulling his weight up, he sat beside it as he dangled his feet,
explaining casually, "I know how much you like coffee, so I got a bulk of it
from the cafe for you. Consider it a birthday or Christmas present."
Not bad. This was the same blend I always ordered. Did he really pay that close
attention or was it just a coincidence? Just one cup alone was quite pricy, I
was left wondering how much all this would cost.
"You didn't have to do that."
"But I wanted to."
Before I replied I put the kettle on and set out a cup. "...I appreciate it."
The gratitude fell flat on my tongue. It wasn't that I wasn't grateful of the
thought, it was just weird to receive gifts. To make up for my thankless reply,
I gave him an offer. "What do you want for breakfast? I'll make whatever you
want."
"Let me cook, it's your birthday."
"That doesn't make me an infant."
"Would you just let me do something nice for you?"
Feeding me those gross meals was his idea of being nice? Before I can interject
and push the argument further, Eren had wrapped a light blue apron around him
that seemed to come out of thin air; I never noticed it around before, or even
in the kitchen prior to coming in here.
"Where'd that apron come from?"
"Oh, the woman at work gave it to me..."
It was a little too big for him, effectively making it more appealing—something
about him in oversize attire was pleasing. There I go, thinking like a child
predator. What has this kid done to me?
"Trying to look the part of my wife, are we?" I wanted to stir a reaction out
of him and I was allowed to because apparently the day of your birth grants you
immunity.
"W-Wife? Don't be ridiculous—I'm a boy. I'd be your husband."
Yeah, because that totally doesn't sound just as ridiculous when referring to
us.
The kettle whistled just as Mikasa made her entrance in the room, her presence
replaced those silly thoughts of husbands and wives floating in my head. In
unison, Eren and Mikasa recited a morning greeting followed by "Merry
Christmas". Taking the role of brother and sister must give that type of skill.
"Oh, and Happy birthday, Levi."
"Eren, you have a big mouth."
Standing there in that oversize apron looking dumber than usual made me almost
feel sorry for him; it must not be fun to be on the receiving end of my quips.
"What—are you mad?"
I didn't actually care that Mikasa knew my birth date and proved this by
boredly blowing into the coffee Eren just placed in front of me.
"Mikasa's birthday is February 10th. There, now it's fair."
"I really don't care if she knows."
"Then why are you acting like you care?"
He was becoming a nagging wife already. I shook my head at him and landed on
Mikasa seated across from me and tried to change the subject. "Your birthday is
coming up soon."
"Yeah."
Nice and simple. This is why Mikasa was my favorite child. Eren would have a
fit if he knew that.
Busy at the stove, Eren carefully cooked breakfast and I sipped my coffee,
silently attempting to burn off my taste buds in preparation of his meal until
Mikasa directed a question at me. "What are we doing today?"
"Nothing. Everything's closed."
"No." Eren spun back with a pop of his hip, looking at me with a rolling eyes
as he darted the spatula at me. "She means what are we doing today."
I had to rewind the words, reluctantly hearing the same derisory phrase a third
time.
Is he fucking serious? I narrowed my eyes on him to check that for myself.
Whether him or Mikasa recited the question didn't alter the meaning. "...Like I
said, nothing."
Eren waved me off and angled his sight to Mikasa, leaving me lost, like I was
missing something obvious; Eren made me feel that way more times than I should.
"...Eren, myself and his parents would attend church on Christmas." Mikasa
filled me in.
"The church for the creepy wall people or the creepy Jesus nuts?"
Eren rolled his eyes at me for what felt like the fifth time this morning. "As
if I would attend mass with a bunch of cultist who obsess over the walls like
they're Gods. My family and I weren't crazy-religious, but enough to show our
respects on the holy day."
Despite the fact my parents were extremely religious, they never attended
church. It took me until I was older to realize that the reason was pinned to
the fact that they were criminals and couldn't go to public ceremonies. While
at the orphanage, I attended some masses; the church was founders of orphanage
and handled the funds to keep it running, but as I got older and my fate faded,
I lost the incentive to ever step foot in a church again. The mere idea of
being trapped in a church left me queasy.
My short time at the orphanage wasn't pleasant, let's just leave it at that.
"You're free to go if you want to keep up the tradition. But you're on your
own."
"You won't come?" he asked me while I had a mouthful of coffee, but even after
it was down I still didn't feel entitled to answer. I think I already made
myself clear.
His eyes left me in favor of Mikasa. "What about you? You wanna go?"
"I'll go if you do."
"Alright, we'll go after we eat. We should be able to make it in time for
afternoon mass—Levi, I feel bad leaving you alone on your birthday, are you
sure you don't want to come with us?"
"I'm quite sure." He was asking, not begging, which seemed out of character for
him—but I savored having a choice in the matter of one of Eren's schemes for
once. If anything, it was a gift on its own to have some peace and quiet for an
hour or two on my birthday.
After Eren whipped up a meal (that was decent enough to be called edible) we
ate in near silence and they headed out, leaving me seated alone in the dinning
room chair with nothing but the ticking clock and leaky sink keeping me
company.
                                 ~Eren's_POV~
The residents of Wall Sina didn't mix well with our kind—that much I gathered
in my time here. Our kind being the poor class who obviously stood out, so
Mikasa and myself tried to remain undetected, like one of the marble statues
out-skirting the church by taking a seat in the back row. Natural light seeped
in through the stain glass windows, which displayed images of spiritual nobles
and beautiful angels. There was so much detail decorating the interior—this was
much nicer than the small temple in my hometown.
Once I thoroughly surveyed the elaborate architecture of the church, my gaze
fell back to its natural level, half-expecting to be greeted by my mothers
smiling face beside me with my father beside her, dressed in their best Sunday
clothes.
Emptiness traveled through me, yet the dread was filled when I looked to my
right. Mikasa was there, staring onwards and focused at the priests echoing
blessings bouncing around the cathedral. I guess all wasn't lost—she will
always be by my side, won't she?
Already becoming bored with the preaching, I skimmed over all the families
attending the mass to pass the time. The crowd was made up of mothers, fathers
and their children, along with aunts, uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers.
Before living with Levi, I never noticed this obvious pattern before, or
rather, there wasn't any other pattern even worth considering. It was normal
for every family to consist of a man and a woman and their offspring, who would
evidently marry and make more children.
This was something everyone see's around them, but it never sinks in deep
enough to deliberate because the reoccurring theme of men and women together
was considered a normal structure of life. Just like everyone doesn't question
the walls around us—they're there and that's it. It was a part of every day
life to accept the walls as a part of our existence.
I silently went on a mission—a mission to try and find a single couple in this
church that consisted of a man and a man or a woman and a woman.
The mission was a failure.
Was Levi just teasing me? Maybe it really was strange to have romantic feelings
for a boy. Up until now, it felt like a given to find a wife and make
children—but what happens when you don't want that? What if you wanted to fall
in love with a boy? Was that really okay?
I wasn't sure of the right answer. There was one thing I was sure of, though. I
like Levi. A lot. Even if he's a boy, even if he acts cold, even if he's an old
man, even if he's a thug—I still like him, with all the negative sides to him
taken into consideration. I don't care if society wants me to marry a girl, it
doesn't feel right. Not since I meet Levi, that is.
This sense of obligation takes over me when I look at him. Sometimes, when he
doesn't know anyone is around, his face just looks so...broken. Broken beyond
repair and there's this nerve inside me that twinges, like I just want to run
up to him and mend everything that hurts and forever protect him from future
pain.
Those eyes—that appear expressionless at first glace—are a major giveaway that
he's been through troubling times that I can't even begin to comprehend at my
age. There's no fooling me, no matter how much he tries to hide his past. I
know he's troubled. With eyes like that, there's no covering up the truth.
Out of fear of hurting him more, I never ask him (no matter how much I want to)
what's really on his mind when he's having a sudden starring session or pauses
mid-sentence with a questionable expression. He probably thinks no one can pick
these little quirks up since he actively tries to hide them—he especially
wouldn't expect me to catch on, he thinks I'm a dumb kid, but I do notice. I
noticed everything about him.
Eventually, I do hope he opens up fully to me and let's me see those internal
scars, allowing me a chance to heal them. I'm not expecting anything soon,
we're still new around each other, but I want to know everything about him. All
his thoughts, fears, things that make him happy, his past.
I know it took a lot for him to talk to us about his parents, his bravery
inspired me to talk about what happened to my mother, which was something I
never planned to talk about to anyone other than Mikasa—even talking about it
to her was still something I could only describe as a struggle.
As intimidating as Levi appears sometimes, I feel comfortable enough to open up
to him and I took it to the next step by telling him about my feelings—which
stunned me just as much as it stunned him.
I don't know where they came from exactly. Emotions are weird that way. One
minute you're laughing, the next you're crying. One minute you're on the street
with a dying sister, the next you're saved and taken care of by a man who had
enough of problems, but didn't hesitate to add more to his plate for the sake
of two needy children. And lastly, one minute you're an oblivious kid, the next
you're having impure thoughts about a man twice your age.
Puberty was still a foreign word to me, but I knew enough to understand I was
currently going through it. I think it may have awakened the day I followed
Levi to work—the sight of him wearing next to nothing as he moved his body in
ways I didn't even know were possible completely hypnotized me. As much as he's
against the word stripper, that's exactly what he was if he liked it or not.
I've heard that strippers were people that danced in adult ways for money, but
never actually saw one before. Who knew Levi would be the one to demonstrate
that for me.
The mental image of him swinging around and shaking body parts I didn't
previously find appealing would pop into my head so many times a day that I
actually considered it a normal daily routine now. Being in church right now
couldn't even scare those thoughts away. It wasn't long after that I got
these urges—it was the next day, actually.
I was so confused—not understanding what was wrong with my body, my mind or
emotions. I couldn't get him out of my head, I just kept thinking about him, so
much that I freaked out just by looking at him because I couldn't stop thinking
of what was underneath his clothes, or to be more precise, what wasn't.
My heart would race when he set his sharp stare on me, melting me in ways that
stirred me up and frightened me at the same time. All the blood would flood in
my skull, making my head numb as the rest of my body underwent strange (yet
exciting) sensations I never felt before—sensations that told me I needed to do
something to satisfy them.
That's when I figured out what "urges" were and I started doing stuff I never
done to myself before. It was weird, but it was quite the discovery because it
felt amazing—I didn't even know my own body could feel like that good. Sadness
and anger wasn't the only strong sensations a human could feel, I learned. But,
that made me even more guilty, so much that I got mad at myself, then I got mad
at Levi because he's the one that caused all this to happen.
More guilt came when I started thinking of Levi in impure ways while I did this
to myself—like imagining him without clothing and picturing him doing the
touching for me. I guess this is where the phrase "guilty-pleasure" came from.
I understood it far too well now.
Even after the conversation a few nights ago, I still felt wrong about the
things I did to myself, even though he claimed it as normal. By thinking such
dirty thoughts about him, I felt like I was tainting him. To make it worse, I
still continued to do stuff to myself even when Levi slept beside me, oblivious
to the fact that I was doing that right beside him every night as he slept.
It was his fault though. When he slept he looked even more attractive with the
way his features would relax. The way Levi's body would twitch slightly and how
he'd sometimes mumble my name in his sleep would just send me off the edge.
Sometimes I just wanted to touch him so badly; just attack every inch of his
flesh with my hands...but I told myself I'd respect his decision. If he didn't
want to be physical, then I was going to comply with his wishes.
This goes beyond attraction though. There was a lot of other things to work on
in the years I waited for him. I felt something strong for him. A need to
protect him, a need to get to know him and a need to give him the love he
deserved.
I'm not a very patient person, but if I have to wait years, so be it. All I can
do in the meantime is pray he will wait for me to grow up and not fall in love
with anyone else until then. He might think it won't work out right now, but
once I'm old enough I know I can change that way of thinking. I'll let him know
it's okay to depend on me, to let his walls down and grant me access to
everything that made the Levi I grew so fond of in this short amount of time.
My fondness for Levi would surely grow as my body did and I was sure I'll be
able to prove it to him then.
"Eren. Pay attention." Mikasa nudged me, just like my mother would when I'd
lose concentration on our yearly trip to church. This happened every year, I'd
always get distracted midway through mass, but a kid trying to pay attention to
bible verses never ended well, but just being here counted for something,
right?
"Sorry." I whispered back and looked forward, my hands interlaced on my lap
when I noticed everyone was praying.
I was far too invested in my thoughts and continued to think of Levi until mass
came to a close.
When we stepped out from the warmness of the church, we were rudely greeted by
the brisk air piercing through our clothing. The cold breeze whisked, fog
coming out through my chapped lips as I breathed into my hands.
Winter holds no remorse, does it?
We reached the bottom of the cathedral steps—and a figure dressed completely in
black stood out from the snowy white scenery. Propped up against the lamppost
with a cigarette in hand stood Levi, looking to be untouched by the cold as he
ignored the passerby's and they paid him no mind in return.
How he was able to stand out yet blend in undetected added another mystery to
the long list.
With Mikasa at my side, we approached him. My mouth gaped a little as my head
tilted back; I was glad to see him, but surprised he was even here. He finally
took in our new presence without a flutter from his lashes.
"Ready to head back?"
I was thrown off just by seeing him, so when he spoke as if he was tagging
along with us all along with his casual comment, I was even more confused. He
wasn't tagging along, though, because he didn't want to be here and I accepted
that without question—why did he decide to come anyway, then? I'll never figure
him out, but it was the hope of putting the little fragments of him together
that made me want to chase him even more.
When I made progress, more doors would open, leaving me wanting more; I was
never satisfied when it comes to him.
"Levi—what are you doing here? I thought you didn't want to come." I asked.
He stomped out his bud in the snow, paying closer attention to his boot
indenting the ground rather than us."I didn't, but then I remembered this area
is more dangerous than being in my shitty neighborhood."
Why would he suddenly say such a strange thing? Well, he's the adult, he would
know more than me. "Oh. But I thought this was the richer area of Wall Sina?"
"People with money aren't automatically good, in fact they're the worst."
"How come?" Every time I spoke to Levi, my sentences would often end in a
rising intonation. It probably annoyed him, but I couldn't help it. He either
said things I don't understand or he spoke vaguely, begging for a question.
"They just are. Quiet."
One of my questions annoyed him yet again, adding that to a never ending list.
But he couldn't be that bothered because something just popped in my head—he
was worried about us. That's why he came all the way out here.
That's really cute.
"I'm kind of glad you showed up—I don't really know how to get back home. We
only got here by following the sound of the bell. Wall Sina's still really new
to us—you seem to know it well, though. This town is kind of like a maze,
everything looks the same. It's impressive you know your way around so well."
Levi was walking at a faster pace in front of us, giving me a back view of his
black tench coat swaying with his pace as fuzzy snow flakes glazed his sleeves.
"Hard not to. I lived here half my life."
I ran up to his side, desperately trying to match his footing. "Does that mean
you like it here?"
"No."
"Then why not go somewhere you do like?" Questions—that's really all the came
out out of my mouth around him, wasn't it?
"Everywhere sucks. There's no place I like within the walls. Or outside, but
that's a given."
"Oh." he was a hard person to talk to, but I still never gave up. "I think you
would have liked the Shiganshina District. It wasn't perfect but it was a nice
town. I hope someday it'll be restored so you can see it."
After all my efforts to keep the conversation going, he rewarded me with a
blank look. Being joyous of his acknowledgment as I was, I must have made a
weird face, causing his stare to move off me with a scowl. "Yeah why not—I'd
like to visit there someday. I lived there briefly when I was a baby, but I was
too young to remember it."
"You lived there? No way! We were neighbors and didn't even know it!"
"Idiot. You weren't even born yet."
"Oh, right..." Every time I find a way to tie us closer together I end up
pulling us further apart with my own stupidity. At this rate he's just going to
keep thinking of me as a dumb kid. I can't let that happen.
Being as focused on Levi as I was, I didn't notice until now that our
surroundings have changed. The once pristine architecture of the central was
replaced with older, crumbling designs and we were the only people on the
street now. Now that church was out, everyone likely retreated back to their
homes to spend the rest of Christmas to be showered in the warmth of their
families love.
"It was a good thing you didn't come to mass. It was really boring. I couldn't
even focus on a word the priest was saying."
"I figured. No one approached you two there, right?"
It was an odd turn in the conversation, but I answered without hesitation. "No,
not really. At one point they asked us for donations for the orphanage. We
couldn't give much but it helps, I guess."
"Hate to tell you this, but your good deed was wasted. The donations won't go
to the children. The kids there are lucky if they manage to eat once a day—it's
a crooked place."
Sometimes when Levi would suddenly spit out a lot of words it took me a moment
to gather them all. It wasn't often that he would add a lot of his own input to
a conversation, so it always took me off guard when he did. "Why do you think
that?"
"I don't think it, it's true. That's the orphanage I attended when I was
young."
Why didn't I put that together sooner? "Is that why you ran away?"
"Yes, among other things."
Come on—he must know that vagueness kills me by now. "Like what?"
"I'm not going into details. All I'll say is bad people belong to that church.
That's why I came to pick you two up."
Something bad happened. A painful tremble waved through my body when I thought
this. He's talking from experience, a bad experience. It was hard to believe
there was even more bad experiences he had other than what he told me. How much
can one person go through, I wondered.
It's a good time to stop talking to him now. Another time I may have pressed
the issue in hopes of him opening up to me, but there was no need to open up
painful wounds. It was Christmas and his birthday; I couldn't give him much for
either but I could give him silence, something I knew he savored.
When we arrived back home we had a round of tea and Levi fell asleep not long
after on the couch. I found it funny how he could nap while sitting up stiffly
with his arms and legs crossed, but I didn't have much time to etch the image
of him in my mind as Mikasa and I took advantage of this time given to us.
                               ~End_Eren's_POV~
Fright overcame me as my head nodded me awake, giving me the feeling someone
might get before falling off a cliff. I blinked myself into full alertness
until I discovered that I wasn't miles away from the ground falling to my
death, but on my couch safely.
I must have dozed off. I checked my watch and it told me I did a little more
than doze off. It was six o' clock at night. Why didn't anyone wake me? Surely
Eren's big mouth would have shook me out of a dream sometime during the lengthy
rest—where is the brat anyway?
That numb rejuvenated feeling conquered me as I stood from the couch. For some
reason I only got that feeling after a nap. If I were to get that effect after
a night of sleeping, I'd have the potential to become one of those chipper
morning people.
Coffee was calling my name and I stiffly crossed the flooring to answer that
call, until I was stopped by a stubby obstacle dressed in an oversize apron at
the arch of the kitchen.
"Hey."
"Hey...?" I duplicated Eren's greeting in a questionable tone. "Move."
"I'm making dinner, you'll just get in the way."
"I want coffee."
He pointed behind me, his finger directed at the couch. "Sit down, I'll get you
some."
I rubbed my forehead in aggravation and let a yawn pass before blinking over
his head. "Eren—you realize you're short and I can see right over your head,
right?"
Stupid brat sucks at hiding things.
I knew it—I knew the little bastard would make a damn cake—well, likely Mikasa
did most of it in fear Eren would screw it up. Cake was cake though, so I can't
be upset.
He slumped his shoulders, his face too disappointed to make the effort of
making an expression. "Can you at least pretend to be surprised?"
"No, I want coffee and some of that cake."
"That's for after dinner."
"Can I at least have coffee—wait, why am I asking permission?" I asked myself
out loud and pushed him aside, or rather walked right through him.
"Eren really tried to surprise you, you know." Mikasa put on a strict tone when
I filled the kettle.
"Oh, but I am."
"You don't seem it." Poor little Eren looked so glum. What was he expecting?
Was I suppose to gasp and wave my arms about? ...Abort that mental image.
"Look at it this way," I was about to cheer them up, wasn't I? "You two are the
first to talk me into even remotely celebrating Christmas and my birthday, so
that on it's own is a shock to me." Yup, I did it—I scooped too a new level of
lame. I know why, I was hanging out with Erwin way too much recently—he's
rubbing off on me.
Thoughts about Erwin were always riddled in double-entendre's, or maybe I was
turning into more of a pervert.
Eren's frown couldn't be held down any longer, he cocked his head to the side,
scratching at his cheek shyly. "I guess that's good enough for me."
"So can I have some cake now?"
"No! It's not even done yet, we're still adding stuff to it."
I groaned, but a more important concern filled me as I became aware of the
state of the kitchen surrounding me, if you can even call this dumpster a
fucking kitchen anymore. My eyes scanned the area, bulging out more and more as
I caught sight of all the flour, icing and eggshells scattered everywhere. My
mug nearly slipped from my hand as my voice rose and nearly knocked Eren off
his feet. "If you don't clean this fucking kitchen I will throw you out of my
house this instant!"
"I'm getting to that! Geez, you don't have to threaten me! You woke up too
soon. Everything was suppose to be done and cleaned up when you came in—blame
yourself!"
So all of this was my fault. I still stand by what I said, he definitely should
be a lawyer.
The night remained peaceful after my outburst, though. I didn't have to throw
him out in the cold because he cleaned up efficiently in a flash. He reminded
me of a nervous squirrel the way he would keep checking on my reaction, waiting
for me to tell him he was screwing something up, but as dumb as he is, he's a
quick learner when it came to cleaning and did good—at least well enough to
lessen my anxiety. All the while, Mikasa kept icing the cake, stopping now and
again to check the stove and ensure whatever was for dinner wouldn't burn.
I wasn't really hungry for whatever it was because I had a sudden craving for
cake, which I kept eying up across the table like it was a hot stud at the bar.
I wasn't crazy about sweets, but enjoyed it now and again and when I did get a
craving, it was hard to control. Obsessive personality, remember?
Instead of me being the adult calling the shots here, I was being lectured by
two brats telling me I had to eat before my dessert. Who do they think I am, a
bratty child like them? How dare them tell me I can't have cake when I want it.
The meal they prepared was actually good, though, so I couldn't complain much.
I knew Mikasa had a lot to do with it—Eren would have screwed something up;
that itself was a dead giveaway. Still, I appreciated both their efforts.
I made some tea, because tea and sweets went hand in hand, but when I turned
back to he table, I saw Mikasa doing something awful to the cake.
"Don't put candles on. I'm not ten years old."
"She's going to put more on than that, don't worry. We bought extra because we
know you're old."
Eren is officially a fucking moron.
"No, I mean don't put any on at all. Only children blow out candles."
"You said so yourself that we're making you celebrate special occasions you
haven't in a long time, think of it like that."
"Just let me eat the damn cake already." My voice shamefully turned into a
whine. I stood there sulking with my mug and Eren tried hard not to giggle at
me, but failed.
"Who knew you had such a sweet tooth..."
"Knowing you, the cake is probably too sweet."
The dig made him stick his tongue out in my direction.
"Is this enough?" We both looked over to Mikasa's work, abandoning our childish
bickering. The fact that I saw more candles than cake made me think it was a
bit too much.
"You're both assholes."
Eren lashed his head back, laughing hard. This went on until I curled my lip at
him, he stopped, a chortle still coming out. "I'm sorry, it's just funny
because only twenty candles comes in a pack, so we had to get two and we
figured why waste them?"
I rolled my eyes away. He needs to stop with these old man jokes or I'm going
to relentlessly beat him and that sounds like a very troublesome ordeal for a
birthday boy like myself to go through.
"Give me your matches."
"No, like I said, I don't want to blow out candles."
"I'll blow them out for you."
"I don't want your filthy child-breath all over my cake." Seriously, gross.
That's another holiday tradition I will never understand. What's appetizing
about spitting out your germy breath all over a cake fresh from the oven and
then serving it to guests?
"Then fan it away, I don't know!"
He's not going to shut up until he gets his way so I might as well bite the
side of my cheek and comply. I tossed him the book of matches from my pocket
onto the table and it took him five times to get a single candle lit. When he
worked on the second, the flame went out before it touched the wick, and this
happened two more times until I sighed hard enough to make the first (and only)
candle go out.
"Aw man... now I have to light that one again..."
Like hell I'm going to wait for him to light all those damn candles. I'll
actually be forty by the time he lights them all. I reached over and plucked
both the single match and the book from his hands. "That's enough. You're too
young to play with fire anyways."
"Levi."
"Eren." The hard stare between us was broken by him looking away with a
defeated sigh. See, I can play his stupid games too.
"Can I eat the cake now?" I was annoyed by the fact my tea went cold by
waiting, so if there was another delay I might scream.
"Yeah fine, go ahead—oh, wait!"
I'm going to scream.
"I gave you a present earlier, so now it's Mikasa's turn."
"Oh no, not accepting any more gifts." Exchanging gifts made me feel
uncomfortable, not to mention it was pointless. Anything others can buy me I
can buy myself. Well, it saved me a trip to the shop, I guess.
"Well, it's not really a gift anyways." Mikasa spoke as she plucked the candles
off the cake. "I just noticed your broom was broken, so I bought you a new one.
I put it in the storage closet for you already."
"Oh." I almost wanted to say it was thoughtful of her but she didn't have to do
much thought with the way I kept complaining about it being broken these past
few days, but it was still much appreciated. "Thanks."
Like a gofer emerging from a hole, Eren rose his head, giving me a wide stare
as he slapped his palms down on the table. "How come you say thanks to her but
not me?"
"Jealousy is an ugly color on you, Eren."
"Jealousy isn't a color."
"Touché."
After refilling by mug with a cup of hot tea, I sat back down and indulged in
the cake before me. Since I ate beforehand, I only managed to squeeze in a
piece, but I really wished I could have ate more because it tasted better than
I expected. I hardly could enjoy it in peace though, because Eren eating like a
barn yard animal with icing covering his face bothered me until I reluctantly
grabbed a cloth and roughly wiped up his sloppy face. Honestly, he acts mature
sometimes but times like this make me think he's an infant. His cheeks squished
and warped as I rubbed vigorously to clean the mess he created around his lips.
I refused to stop no matter how much he pulled away.
"S-Stop! I can clean myself!"
"Apparently you can't. Look, you got some on your shirt too."
With his chin dipped down, he inspected the damage and shot back up. "I'll
change later!"
And he did once he took a bath, followed by Mikasa and finally myself and we
all regrouped in the living room after to warm up near the fire.
Eren was on the floor, his legs out and crossed at the ankle. Mikasa was seated
beside me on the couch and she broke the prolonged silence. "Levi, you said
your dad used to tell you Christmas stories, right?"
"Here and there. Can't really remember. Why?"
"I'm just bored, I thought you could tell us a Christmas story."
Bored? They just stuffed their faces in cake. Kids are so needy.
"Hate to break it to you but everything I told you before was all I could
really remember, well, except.." There is a God. I stopped myself in time, but
this proved to perk Eren up.
"Except?"
"Nothing, I forgot."
"Liar."
"As if you can tell. We don't all have obvious glowing ears when fib, like
you."
"I can still tell. What were you going to say?"
I was going to say: 'I can't remember the other stories my father told me, but
I do remember the songs he sung to me.' But then I remembered I was talking to
children—very needy children that would want to hear said songs and wouldn't
stop nagging me about it until next Christmas.
"Whatever, I don't want to know anyways." he said, flopping down on the floor.
"Are you actually desperate enough to try reverse psychology on me?"
"I don't even know what that means."
"Levi, will you tell me?" Mikasa asked me, smiling. An actual smile, one I
haven't seen on her before. Shit. Not you Mikasa, don't be like Eren. How are
these two not related?
"Songs—my dad would sing me songs. That's all."
Eren rose up and made a face at Mikasa that made my skin boil.
"Did—did you just wink at her?"
"No."
Those fucking ears say otherwise. "So you guys are teaming up now, is that it?"
Clever little bastards.
Eren's giggling almost made him unable to lift off the floor and plop beside
me, now I was seated in the middle of these two corrupted children.
"Do I even have to ask at this point?" he said as he rested his head against my
shoulder—the action stunning enough to forget what he even asked.
"...What?"
"Sing."
"NO."
"But it's Christmas."
"It's also my birthday so you can't make me do anything."
"Think of it this way, it's the only thing I want for Christmas."
". . . . . .tch."
I couldn't help but feel guilty that the kids went all out for me, with the
gifts and cake and all, and I didn't get them anything in return, but this
wasn't a way to make up for that. Anything but this.
"If you're worried because you're not a good singer than don't fret. I just
want to know the lyrics, I don't care how you sound."
"Exactly. We won't laugh, if that's what you're afraid of." Mikasa added.
I huffed in offended amusement. "I'm not afraid of anything." Is that what they
thought? That I was scared that two dumb brats would laugh at me? Give me a
break.
"Prove it."
"I hate you both."
But they just smiled at me, encouraging me (or plotting against me, it was hard
to tell). After silently sorting through my thoughts, I took a breath and I
began—not just reciting the lyrics, but I fucking sang. Was their drugs in the
cake? I'm pretty sure there was. They confused sugar with crack, an
understandable mistake. That was the only explanation for what was coming out
of my mouth—all these Christmas-y words that burned my tongue.
When the song came to an end, I wanted to go outside and bury myself in snow
and stay there until I couldn't feel anymore. The song I sung used to be my
favorite, but now I hated it more than anything.
"Levi..."
"Not a fucking word." Why did I do this to myself?
"I'm not going to lie,"
"I'm going to beat you so hard, Eren." I wasn't even remotely kidding.
"I really didn't think you'd have a good singing voice,"
"I'm going to throw you back on the street." If he thought it was an empty
threat he's mistaken.
"I was wrong, though, your singing voice is beautiful."
"Get out and die."
The choir of out out-of-sync exchange of threats and compliments ended, leaving
Eren's giggle the last surviving sound in the room. "You don't have to
be embarrassed..."
"I don't get embarrassed."
"Then why are your cheeks red~?"
My chest sunk when I noticed Eren's ears weren't flaming. That suggested he was
actually telling the truth. What did I do to deserve this? A flash of many,
many reasons popped in my head. Never mind. I deserve it.
I held my head up by the forehead, my shame weighing me down. "Go to your room,
you too Mikasa."
"Oh c'mon! One more song!"
"I'll be singing it at your funeral if you don't do as I say!"
The friction of his hair nuzzled on my shoulder as he sulked. "Aw you're so
mean..."
"Don't say that, Eren. Appreciate the fact that he sung for us at all—thank you
Levi, you honestly do have a beautiful singing voice."
I twitched. Her words stung me even more than Eren's—speaking of Eren, what the
hell is he doing to my shoulder?! "Stop rubbing your head on me and go to bed!"
He drew his head away weakly. "Promise you'll sing like that again, and maybe I
will."
"I promise I won't beat you right now if you do." He cowered back at my deadly-
sharp words and found his feet.
"T-That seems like a good deal to me."
Mikasa stood soon after him. "I think this was a good day—I hope you had a good
birthday, Levi."
Do you think telling her it was the worse day of my life would disappoint her?
Maybe just a tad.
Mikasa gave Eren and I a goodnight and went into her room, closing the door
behind her.
I shooed Eren before me with a flick of my wrist. "You too, brat, go to bed."
"You're not coming with me?"
"...I'll be there in a minute. Start without me."
"Alright." Just before he entered the hall, he spun around with a grin. "I
really do hope you had a good day...you deserve it." With that, he entered his
room, leaving me with those words floating behind—but the words dissolved a few
minutes later by a brute knock on my door.
". . . . . ."
Well that sure as hell isn't Christmas carolers at this hour. I peeled myself
off the couch and cautiously crept to the door, listening for a sign of who
could be on the other side. I wasn't paranoid, but I just wasn't kidding when I
said I don't get many visitors.
"Levi, it's me."
I sighed so loud that I'm positive it was heard through the thick door. Said
door whooshed open to reveal a man standing just as tall as the arch way,
giving me a gentle smile.
"Sorry for disturbing you at a late hour but we're leaving at dawn tomorrow, so
I thought I'd come see you."
I folded my arms and propped my weight onto the door frame. This was yet
another routine Erwin and I shared other than having sex after he came back
from a mission—he'd always see me off before he left. I guess he did it just in
case he never returned; his way of giving a proper goodbye.
"You guys don't waste any time. A mission right after Christmas?"
"Nothing like ending the holiday season with slaying Titans."
A rare smile plastered on my face and I leaned myself in a little closer to his
magnetizing body, but I resisted the urge to yank him into the house and have
my way with him. Instead, I pulled back.
Right. Erwin's little rule still existed: no sex before a mission. When he'd
come over before he left, it was strictly just to say his goodbyes. Apparently
he's afraid sex will cloud his judgment or weaken him or something. Voting that
down as a very dumb rule. If anything, sex is a good luck charm.
"Oh, and I picked this up for you on the way here."
I took the bottle from him and examined the label. Expensive, high-proof booze
was held inside. "How about that—you got me exactly what I wanted this year,
Santa."
He gave me a hooded glare; his previously kind smile turned into a frisky
smirk. "Well, usually bad boys don't get gifts, but I made an exception for
you."
How dare him turn me on when he's off limits.
Erwin was truly a cruel man if you cut through that trustworthy aura—that was
my dick thinking, but in all honesty he's a good man. I still couldn't see him
(or anyone) as a love interest, but he was definitely becoming a person I
wanted in my life for a long time. He lives at least a half-hour away and he
came deep into this shitty neighborhood just to see me on a freezing Christmas
night. Actions like that, intentional or not, can tell you a lot about a
character.
I rubbed at the prickly hair at the back of my head, looking down to Erwin's
feet as I spit out the following words awkwardly. "Erwin...It's late. Why don't
you just crash here tonight?"
I didn't even need to look up to see his expression, the tone of his voice
painted it for me. "Really? But you never let me sleep over."
It was true. Even when he would come over for a fuck session I'd (sometimes
literally) kick him out of my bed soon after. I don't even now what came over
me but I wanted him to stay.
To hell with all this warm and fuzzy Christmas shit. Gives me the creeps—can't
wait for it to be over tomorrow.
I took a step backwards to make room for him and shut the door before placing
down the bottle of booze on the end table near the door.
"That's cute, you got a Christmas tree. Didn't expect that." He stopped all
movement in order to admired it properly, his hands in his pockets.
I followed his line of sight, looking at the cluttered mess in the corner like
it was a complete stranger to me. Even after all these days I couldn't accept
that thing as apart of the house. "...The kids wanted one. I hate it and it's
being thrown out tomorrow—and don't use the word cute, Erwin. It's gross."
He only gave me a chuckle and I was positive now, crack was definitely in that
cake or else I'd never willingly invite this ox to spend the night.
The sleeves of his coat rolled off his arms as I helped pull them down, while
doing so, I had to think of ways to keep my dick down—removing Erwin's clothing
always ends in sex, it was a natural reaction. I couldn't help it.
After hanging the coat on the hook, I returned back to stand before him, he
looked down at me, the anticipation clear on his face with a hint of worry—he
was thinking the same thing as me: that it would be hard to restrain ourselves
from sex and just have a friendly sleepover. He's never been in my house
without sex being the main objective of his reason being here.
This wouldn't stop me from having a little fun, though. I've been around kids
all day, I wanted a little adult time. Against the idea of lifting myself
higher by the tips of my toes like a teenage girl receiving her first kiss, I
reeled him in by the two ends of his scarf, forcing him to bow down to my
level, lower and lower until our faces met at a perfect angle. I disliked
kissing—it felt like a time-staller before the main event, but since said event
was canceled his evening, I could at least get this much from him.
I released his scarf in favor of wrapping my arms around his shoulders and our
lips pushed together. It started slow, as it always does with Erwin, but it
wasn't long before his hands were roaming my back as I sucked on his bottom
lip, my fingers combing through his hair as I did.
A thunderous bang caused us both to leap in the midst of our heated kiss, it
ended with us clashing our teeth together. I whipped my head back, holding my
mouth, but it did nothing to lesson the throb in my gums. "What the fuck was
that?"
Erwin returned to his full height and glanced around with a shrug. "Maybe the
wind knocked something over."
"Yes, Erwin, it was a draft coming in from my windowless house."
His head cocked in disbelief, then spun around the room to inspect. I waited
for his 360 turn to end with my arms folded.
"Would you look at that, you're right. Never noticed that before."
"The only thing in this house that's familiar to you is my bed—speaking of
which, you have to get up early. Let's just go to sleep."
With a nod he followed behind me. Once we made it in the bedroom, Erwin decided
to strip down to his underwear, knowing I wouldn't have any sleeping clothes
that would fit him. Despite the fact I had plenty of sleeping attire perfectly
my size, I removed my clothing too, all of it, because I'd be damned if I was
going to be the only one teased by his body being displayed like it's a damn
statue in a museum with a big "don't touch" sign on it.
If I have to suffer, he has to as well.
I bit my lip as my head slowly dented into the pillow beside him—I was given a
perfect view of his pecks cycling though a calm breathing pattern. Both his
arms were bent above him, his hands supporting the back of his head.
We never actually slept in the same bed before. We'd finish each other off then
go our separate ways, but I could get used to this view.
"Can we seriously not have sex right now..."
He chuckled, and I'm pretty sure that was the last straw that caused my
erection. "You know I need my head sharp tomorrow."
"Yeah but—what about a blow job? That's technically not sex, and it'll help you
sleep."
"This is killing me too."
If it's killing him now then there's no reason to hold back just to survive
tomorrow—we're both going to end up dead at this rate. Less casualties the
better. He should know this.
"...What about a handjob on me? That way you're not getting off and all you're
doing is moving your hand—totally not sex."
"Hmm." The bastard is smiling at my misery. "It'll be hard to stop at that,
though. I won't be able to resist going all the way."
I propped myself up, surely my face looked appalled. I couldn't even be ashamed
at how horny I was getting. "And you tell me to have self-control? I'm
suffering right now because you can't control your dick—go learn dick-control,
Erwin."
His blaring laugh made it it difficult for him to reply. "You're actually
really cute when I hold out on you. Remind me to do this more often—but at
another time because the begging is actually turning me on."
"You shouldn't have said that."
"Levi, no. Don't you even think about it. You know I'd love to, but I can't."
I suddenly know exactly how Eren felt. It sucks being horny and being told no.
That's just cruel. I'm totally giving Eren handjob tomorrow just to make up for
it—wait, no, he's twelve. That's why I said no. Right.
But Erwin didn't have a good enough excuse. We were both adults—adults that
were very physically attracted to each other. Just because he's worried sex
will 'distract him from his mission' I can't get off right now. Bullshit.
"I didn't even get birthday sex on my birthday. How lame is that?" I was
thinking out loud, but my plea stirred an unexpected reaction from Erwin.
"...It's your birthday?"
"Mm-hm." I groaned into my pillow and the body beside me shifted; Erwin was
against mine, arms encircling my back tightly as his hand petted my hair until
my bangs were out from my face. He placed several kisses everywhere but where I
wanted one; on my forehead, my cheek, and finally my nose before he pulled away
slowly to study me with ambivalent eyes. He took a long while before his parted
lips made a sound.
"A handjob—that's all you're getting."
It's a Christmas fucking miracle.
I licked his lip to show my appreciation like a needy mutt. He pushed me onto
my back, his leg clinging around mine as his head nestled in the crook of my
neck, sucking the skin as his hand cupped my face, but I quickly grabbed hold
of his wrist and maneuvered his two fingers into my mouth, only releasing them
from around my lips to lick the length and bite the tips. I felt his hardness
grow against my hip and it felt like such a waste that I couldn't play with it.
Once his fingers were nice and lathered, he loped his hand down, running over
my belly button slowly to build me up more. The sudden hold on me was so tight
that I gasped on impact.
That ribbing build-up of thinking I wasn't getting anything from him had me
reacting more intensely to his stokes. My entire torso was consumed with
pinching sensations and the pleasure steadily branched out to my head and
limbs, making me grasp the pillow and lower my lids. The heel of my foot dug
into the sheet, my hips driving upwards into his hand to add to the rhythm he
created.
My body was relaxed and tense at the same time—only Erwin could make me
remember to never underestimate the power of a handjob.
When Erwin's hand left my stiffness, I was left panting at nothing until a lone
finger tucked beneath me and sensually stirred my opening with the tip of his
finger. My bodies first reaction was to bend my knees and drive my hips off the
mattress to give Erwin full access between my legs.
"Ah—haa, I knew you wouldn't have any self-control to stop at a handjob."
His chin left my shoulder and he traveled to my chest, giving a suctioning suck
to my nipple before speaking over my humiliating yelp. "I figured playing with
you won't affect me much, so you're in luck."
"Can't say the same to you." I was getting all the pleasure and he was getting
nothing in return—seemed like a shitty deal but I wasn't complaining since it
benefited my side. My toes curled when that caressing finger previously teasing
my puckered opening entered.
Erwin's velvet voice floated to me calmly, making me realize how unrestrained I
was in comparison to him. "I'm more satisfied with pulling reactions from
you—playing with you like this is the best way to do it."
I knew he got off to my reations—and I plan on rewarding him with them if he
keeps this up.
In my rapture state, I didn't even notice he had moved positions until he was
yanking at my dick and probing me simultaneously. His sight roamed all over my
body, doing filthier things than his hands by the wild look in his eyes. When a
second finger entered me, my head made a sharp turn into the pillow, my teeth
biting the fabric.
"Ah...that's it, I love when you make expressions like that."
My mouth left the damp pillow and I cornered my hooded eyes on him. "You
fucking pervert," was all I could spit out, but it wasn't even close to an
insult. That side of him turned me on so much. He likes me looking like a dog
in heat, I like him putting that up-tight front down and handling me like his
personal toy. That's all we were to each other, really: toys.
With his hand and fingers traveling faster, I was tempted to just beg him at
the top of my lungs to stuff himself inside me and thrust as hard and deep as
he could with little remorse for my body, but I knew he'd be against it despite
the very solid evidence of his arousal.
Erwin's hand, dripping in my pre-cum, suddenly pressed against my lips; my
blaring moans were blocked, only a drone vibrating against his fingers now.
"Shh. You'll wake the kids up."
Shit. I completely forgot. I'm so accustom to being as loud as I want; my
friends would blow off any sexual sounds coming from my room at night with a
simple congratulatory thumbs up the next morning.
Now I had two children right next door of my bedroom. Anxiety mixed with my
arousal, making an unsettling combination as I thought about how thin the walls
were, but that lingering thought vanished as Erwin's hands returned to me,
ramming in a third thick finger. The pleasure made me forget who I even was for
a moment; I was in no position to keep my voice down now as he handled my
stiffness at the same time. Erwin was quite dexterous—that being the final
thought I had before my mind went blank and my vision went white with a
breathless moan.
I was left panting, catching my breath as Erwin crawled over me and returned to
his spot beside me. He cupped my shoulder-blades and pulled my flimsy body in
close to to him.
When the aftermath of my orgasm wore of, I wiggled in his hold, trying to break
free, but he only pulled me in closer, barricading me in secure enough that I
couldn't escape. "Don't even think about it."
"I feel filthy. I can't sleep like this." Even though we didn't go all the way,
I was still covered in my own liquids with sweat in the mix. Sex was fun but it
was messy as fuck. I guess that's the price to pay for such enjoyment.
"Let me fall asleep next to you—you can clean yourself in the morning."
Being in a current restricting lock, I didn't have much of a choice. I think
what we were doing is suppose to be cuddling, but with Erwin and myself being
such rough creatures, it wasn't as cute as it sounded—but then his breath
breezed against my skin in a steady rhythm and his muscles around me loosened,
his pleasant dream allowed him to let his his guard down.
"Erwin."
His head bobbed up into attention the moment I called his name, his grip
reflexively tightened around me. An acknowledging groan was my only reply.
"...Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up. But I need to tell you something."
"What's the matter?" His concern mixed with that groggy tone made me tell him
without the hesitation I felt prior.
"Be careful tomorrow."
A few beats later—perhaps to give him time to decide if this was a dream or
not—his forehead pressed against mine. "I'm always careful. ...But I'd be safer
if you were coming with me."
"Don't. You. Fucking. Start." I felt him smile against my face. "I'm serious.
If you die on me I'll—" his lips silenced me and departed just as fast.
"I will be careful. I promise. I'll be back before you even miss me."
That did nothing to calm my sudden nerves. How could he be back before I missed
him when I already did? I already knew he'd wake up earlier than my body would
allow and I'd wake up alone, likely with a letter written in Erwin's hand
waiting for me on my nightstand. I already dreaded reading it.
It's true that Erwin is still very much a toy to me, but he's a one-of-a-kind
toy that cannot be replaced. I never want to see him broken beyond repair.
Erwin stroked my face with warm hands until I felt myself nodding off into a
comfortably numb state. His drowsy eyelids fluttered against mine and the final
thing I heard him say before falling asleep in his arms was, "Happy birthday,
Levi."
Chapter End Notes
     Fun fact: There wasn't even suppose to be smut but I can't just have
     Erwin and Levi in the same bed without them doing anything. I mean
     c'mon. ...I have less self-control than both of them. UGH. It's also
     very difficult to keep Eren and Levi from doing the smex... I'm okay
     with teenagers paired with adults but twelve is just too young. OTL
     On another note, the story kind of gets back on track in the next one
     with thuggly Levi looking for vengeance and all that jazz—AND NEW
     CHARACTER. I was going to wait for them to meet in training, but
     remember I have no self-control so they're showing up in the next
     chapter~
***** Ally *****
Chapter Summary
     Levi is determined to get back on track with finding the people who
     killed his friends. With nothing but a hunch and an ally, he heads to
     the North District, but is stalled when he meets a peculiar character
     on the most bizarre circumstances.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
An empty space beside me greeted me upon wakening—not completely stripped of
presence, though, because Erwin's body had been replaced with a neatly placed
note on the bed sheets.
Corny bastard. I already predicted he'd do something like this.
The paper crinkled in my grasp when I took hold of it. Being half asleep as I
was, the neat script of Erwin's hand took a while to come into sharp focus. As
I waited for the sleepiness to evacuate, I lit a cigarette and sat up, my feet
dangling just above the floor. Indolently, I settled just where Erwin
previously laid.
Throughout the night, he never let go of me, although his grip did loosen the
deeper he dived into whatever hellish flashbacks his dreams were likely showing
him. I didn't take his weak arms as an invitation to squirm away, for whatever
reason; maybe it was because it felt comforting in a way or maybe it was
because it was freezing and that body of his radiated more heat than a Titan.
The coldness of the sheets beneath my bare thighs told me he headed out hours
ago. I almost cursed myself for thinking something as stupid as missing his
warmth.
Levi,
Try to keep out of trouble while I'm gone. If you do that for me, I'll keep my
promise as well. See you soon.
P.S. Thanks for letting me spend the night. I hope you'll have me again some
time.
Erwin
My eyes remained clued on his name. His curvy signature took up a good portion
of the bottom page. His script had a lot of character to it; even if he didn't
pen down his name, the note still had Erwin written all over it. I imagine
being the Commander of the Survey Corps gives you the skill of impressive
handwriting. Signing off a dozen or so documents a day (and death tallies)
gives you a lot of practice, I suppose.
Thinking of someone I know being in close counters with nearly unstoppable man-
eating death machines at this very moment wasn't an ideal way to start the
day—or evening, according to my watch. Looks like I'm back on schedule with my
nocturnal hours, thanks to Erwin. Getting off makes me tired and sleep was
naturally the only way to regain my strength. It was a relief in a way because
I was sick of being up during the boring day hours.
Being back on schedule couldn't have came at a better time, now that I thought
about it. With all the Christmas nonsense of the way and Erwin outside the
wall, there was little-to-nothing left to distract me. The new year was also
approaching and I'd be damned if I ended this shitty year as a failure.
The last eleven months weren't too terrible, but this December will always be
marked as one to remember. In the matter of two weeks I lost those closest to
me and gained two new bratty house mates. One of which I walked in on as I
finished buttoning my shirt. Mikasa was currently seated at the kitchen table,
finishing up the meal she prepared.
"You're awake. I made food, if you're hungry."
"Maybe later." Unlike these kids, I didn't like to eat as soon as I woke up;
food just didn't settle with my stomach in the morning—or whenever the hell I
got up. Thankfully, Eren didn't do the cooking this evening. At least Mikasa
wasn't the one currently suffering from one of his dishes. As much as he
enjoyed his hobby of cooking, he took more joy in eating. Having said that, the
kitchen felt off without Eren talking with a mouthful in the picture.
"Where's Eren?"
She looked down at her plate, moving around her food in piles with a faraway
look in her eyes. "In his room. He said he's not feeling well. I couldn't get
him to come out or even eat anything all day."
I rubbed my eye to erase the last of my drowsiness and also to gesture my
exasperation. Perfect. I tried to keep him from getting sick but it looks like
all my effort was for nothing. He likely caught something from going out in
this chilling weather everyday.
"Did you offer him medicine?"
Mikasa shook her head, finally looking me in the eye with a half-shrug. "I
didn't know what kind to give him. I've been waiting for you to get up."
I pushed myself off the counter and stood under the frame of the entry, my back
to her as she received a strict tone. "From now on, wake me up when something
like this happens. I don't need him getting as sick as you were."
I peered at her reaction briefly before exiting the kitchen, leaving her
nodding her head sullenly and I approached his door with a hard knock. "Eren."
No answer, not even after I knocked a second time. If he's as sick as Mikasa's
implying, he's likely sleeping. I opened the door—intending to sneak in and
check if he had a fever, but when I saw him up in bed, flipping through a book,
I briefly pondered why in the hell he didn't answer my call.
Maybe it was just the flickering lanterns light, but from the looks of it he
had a healthy glow, if you ask me—but that didn't mean much, especially if he
just woke up with a bug. He'd likely not look physically ill right away.
I rested my shoulder against the frame and crossed my arms. "Mikasa says you're
feeling shitty. Want me to bring you some medicine?" As I spoke, he never
looked up, and even after closing the book, turning off the lantern and rolling
under the covers, he never regarded me once.
"No. Leave me alone and let me sleep."
I tapped my fingers against my bicep, studying the dark silhouette of his body
under the blanket. "Fine. But if you don't feel any better by tomorrow I'm
shoving a pill down your throat."
With no reply, I shut the door behind me—nearly backing into the wooden surface
once I heeded Mikasa standing before me with fiddling fingers.
"Is he okay?" Her brows upturned, her mouth parted with a downward hook. It was
a difficult expression to look at, so I didn't.
"Hard to say. We'll just have to keep an eye on him. Whatever he caught might
wear off if he gets some rest."
The girls eyes were dim with grief; reflecting all her concern for her brother
in those big silver eyes, but they were cast down before I could read them
further. "...I hope he gets better soon."
I huffed, almost bothered at how she was getting herself worked up over
nothing, but I made sure not to let my annoyance show on my face. Instead, I
did something remarkably stupid: I cheered her up—or at least a failed
interpretation of my intent. "Stop worrying, he'll be fine. Remember how sick
you were? If you can get over that, he can get over whatever he caught."
Some of the worry drained from her eyes. "You're right. I'll keep it together."
"Good." Wanting to escape this exchange, I changed the topic to something else;
not that I'm saying it was more important than Eren being in bad health—okay,
screw it—it was way more important than the brat having a stuffy nose or the
runs. "Do you think you can keep an eye on him tonight on your own? I'm going
out, but if you think you can't handle it, I suppose I'll stay home."
"No, it's okay. I can take care of him." The given reply was belated, but said
with confidence.
It was unfortunate that Eren came down with something the night I planned to
get back on track with my vendetta, but I couldn't let these kids keep me
retained. If I didn't start moving now, I'll never make up for lost time and
I'll be left with nothing but cold leads. As awful as it sounded, the kids were
second priority right now on my list.
Mikasa was just a young girl, though, and I did worry she wouldn't know how to
handle an emergency if Eren condition was to worsen, but I eased myself from
obtaining a future headache caused by a guilt trip by schooling her. "I'll
leave out some medicine, in case he gets worse. If he gets really bad, just
take him to a doctor. I'll leave you money just in case, but I doubt it will
come to that."
She filed my words earnestly for future reference, nodding. "All right. I think
I'll just spend the night in his room, just as a precaution."
I walked past her as she latched onto the door handle, turning it slowly so she
wouldn't wake him. I moved into the bathroom and opened the cabinet, revealing
the wide range of pill bottles. Tapping my chin as I knelled down, I surveyed
the collection the bottom shelf held. I wasn't sure what kind of sickness Eren
had, but he likely just had a virus or the flu, so I picked out some medicine
to cure the common symptoms such as fevers, stomachaches, nausea and head
congestion.
I sat the handful on the counter for easy access and lined them up neatly after
they toppled over from the drop. Wanting to get ready for the night in store, I
replaced my current setting with my bedroom and stood before my deep closet. I
pushed all my clothing to one side of the rack and braced myself to pull out a
rather heavy trunk. Once it was in front of me, I unlatched it, lifted the lid
and didn't hesitate before digging in and pulling out the contents.
One by one, my floor around me became cluttered with pieces of disassembled
machinery as nearly the entire trunk was emptied.
It's been a long time since I pulled out my 3D Maneuver Gear. Up until now, I
haven't had a reason to use it for quite some time. The only time it came in
handy was when my crew and I would plan out a heist or a risky job and wanted
to flee effortlessly. It's been collecting dust for about a year now since I've
been placing smaller wages on my life gambles. I've said it before and I'll say
it again: I never want to go to jail, and so taking speculative jobs to collect
easy money was rewarding, but it also put me at risk of living in a dirty cage.
As fun as it was to raid the mansions of old rich scumbags or even rob the king
himself, it wasn't worth the penalty. This, of course, didn't make me a pussy
or a saint, I still was a crooked excuse of a human, but there were easier ways
to make money that didn't involve as much risk, thus the need to use Maneuver
Gear became less of a necessity for collecting cash.
But this wasn't about money. This was about getting revenge.
The North District is beyond the term 'dodgy side of town'—it's a hunting
ground for lunatics, homicidal maniacs, junkies and backstabbing whores. If you
didn't belong to one of those social cliques and found yourself in that
neighborhood, then you would either be killed—if you were lucky—or you'd be
quarried and sold; purchased by a sadistic pervert who you'd serve until he got
a shiny new toy and became bored with you, likely torturing you to death.
I'm confident in my abilities, but I learned first hand on many occasions that
I can't fend for myself in that side of town without a trick up my sleeve. If
it wasn't for my crew tagging with me the times I visited the area, I would
either be dead or an old perverts sex toy. That's why having a quick means of
traveling (and fleeing) is a must.
The only reason why I'm insane enough to head over there now is because I have
an ally—if you can call him that. He's an insane junkie who would likely stab
his own mother for a hit, but he and I tolerated each other while rolling in
the same gang. Over time he earned the title as an information broker. Anybody
who was worthy of note, he kept tight tabs on them. Any information in his
possession he is more than willing to spill, but there was a catch: he always
wanted some peculiar exchange—meaning he didn't work for money.
Every time I ever needed information from him it became a scavenger hunt, so I
tried not to rely on his services anymore, but his sources were usually right
on the mark; reliable and that's exactly the type of person I needed to consult
with right now.
There was a good chance he still hid out in the old drug den just a mile or two
into the district. He wasn't one to change locations much. The North gang was
originally formulated around there, but since then had branched out. They still
had an exhausting list of connections and bases all around that I could stumble
upon and if I were lucky I might just bump into him without any assistance. But
the odds were slim given how much Maverick moves around.
Maverick—just recalling the name made my skin ripple from my seething blood.
This was the foul man who lead the North crew, the same man who harassed me and
my friends endlessly after we abandoned his gang and their idea sick duties.
This was the same man whom I suspected the most. No one else could have been
responsible for such a messy crime—there was no doubt in my mind that it was
him or one of his oafs doing.
There was a good chance the junkie might know his whereabouts, if he still kept
tabs on him after what happened, that is. The guy was thrown out of the North
gang after robbing their supply of drugs. The best part about it was that
Maverick and this information broker no longer were allies; they were enemies
now, really, so there was a good chance of getting information undetected and
striking before someone rats out my motives.
As I was getting my thoughts together, I had assembled the gear and suited up.
My attire consisted entirely of black. The goal was to remain camouflaged
within the darkness of night and stay undetected by psychopaths and the
Military Police. I finished off the outfit with leather gloves and knee-high
combat boots. The only stripe of skin you could see was around my eyes; the
rest of my face was concealed behind a black bandana which I pulled down under
my chin for the time being after it was tied securely behind my head.
Making sure the harness was bounded on tight, (sealing the straps on was easy
enough, I had enough practice getting them on at the club) I looked a final
time to the pit of the trunk. All that remained at the bottom was two Military-
issued swords.
Getting caught with Maneuver Gear was one thing, but a mere civilian like
myself holding onto the deadliest weapons known to man would give me quite a
sentence if caught. The weapons in question were not used against other humans;
their sole purpose was to take down Titans. It was against the law to
even own these without being in the Military and even they weren't authorized
to use them against their own kind. When it came to being in possession of
small guns or knifes, you can get away with a slap on the risk so long as no
crimes were committed with them, but these swords held with them a weighty
hazard.
I slipped my dagger into the strap around my thigh. That was more than enough
of protection. To be overly cautions, I holstered my pistol. I rarely brought
guns out in public. This was mainly due to guns not being my strong point: I'm
a self-proclaimed expert at close-combat and handling melee weapons, but
another reason was because guns were a little too permanent for my taste. You
can bash a person's skull in repeatedly, but they'll likely be fine in a few
days. If you fire a bullet through someones head, however, that's it. They're
gone. There's no 'getting back up again'. No more 'putting up a fight'.
No matter how many enemies I'd be against, I never resorted to shooting. It
just felt cheap. Even if the other party wanted to kill me, I just didn't feel
the correct punishment was death—if you wanted to punish someone properly, you
bash their head, kick their guts and make them feel every ounce of pain they
deserved.
Well, that's how I saw it, anyway.
With all that put into concentration, I yanked out the gun from the holster and
returned it to my dresser draw in a hostile motion. Fuck it. I'm not scooping
that low. If I'm lucky enough to kill Maverick tonight, I won't let him get
away with a simple shot to the head. I want him to feel all the pain he gave me
and make him regret ever fucking with me.
When I closed the draw, I flipped my bangs to the side and out of my eyes.
There in my sight was Erwin's note sitting on top of the dresser, looking back
at me judgmentally.
"Tch." I crumbled up the paper, tossing it in the bin across my room. He should
know by now that he can't tame me like one of his idiotic recruits.
In all fairness, I might actually be an idiot too for letting my grudge lead me
to danger, but we all have our reasons for doing what we do, even if those
reasons are unclear to others. Erwin might not find my logic behind my actions,
but I can't understand his—how a seemingly sane person would risk their life to
kill ugly giants. It was best not to meddle in each others personal affairs and
continue doing what we feel is right, no matter how much we disagree with each
others motives.
The next stage of my plan might be tricky: Operation Get Out Of The House
Unnoticed.
The kids should both be in Eren's room and since I didn't hear any noise beyond
my bedroom, it was safe to assume Mikasa fell asleep with him. I still needed
to tread carefully because if I had to come up with an excuse to explain my
attire and Maneuver Gear to those brats, I'll turn right back around to my room
and use that gun on myself.
But after much cursing under my breath at how unmistakable loud the clattering
of the gear was in transit to the door, I made it out to the stoop and climbed
up the stairs, leaping off the final one as I grappled onto the roof of the
house across the street. The landing was anything but smooth as I slipped on a
frosty shingle and tumbled forward, but I managed to push myself up quickly
without loosing my footing. I wasn't use to controlling the damn thing given
the fact I've been out of practice for so long, but it should be just like
riding a bicycle, right? I'll get the hang of it again by the time I reach the
North District.
I took advantage of the new height I was given and panned the area. As far as
my eyes would allow me to see, the connecting neighborhoods were lit except one
area that was covered under a heavy black shadow—that's where I was heading to.
I leaped off the ledge and soared up, a trail of fumes behind me as the hook
latched onto a chimney and tilted me in the right direction. The swing granted
me speed and altitude. From then on, everything past me by in a blur. The
streets below were bare; even most of the snow had melted away. If it weren't
for the subdued lights coming from the passing windows, I wouldn't be able to
make out a thing—not even the moon was out tonight, adding to the empty void.
Only low wispy clouds were my company as I breezed from rooftop to rooftop.
But this feeling of isolation was abandoned when I saw a group staggering down
the pavement, traveling directly where I was faced. The far-side wall I passed
a second ago was hooked and I flung back, holding onto the edge of the top
window pane. As the figures came closer, their loud, drunken conversation came
with it and it didn't take me long to realize that the group of men passing
through was the Military Police.
"Tch. Assholes always getting in my way." I continued to observe them, hanging
there as my fingers started to strain from holding up my entire body weight,
but I'd be able to move again as soon as they whipped around the corner.
Hopefully I won't run into any more of them. Most soldiers on the night-shift
are assigned to making rounds in the neighborhoods, but most of them just got
drunk and only made one or two cycles throughout the night. Once I got to the
North District, I wouldn't have to worry about them at all, though. To the most
of my knowledge, those cowards were too afraid to step foot around there.
They were nearly around the bend now and I readied my finger on the trigger. As
I was looking into the distance for a good spot to land the grapple, I was
blinded by a light.
I closed an eye and peered into the window, only to see a bright lantern set on
top of a stand near the glass. The floating flame reflected myself in the
window, but when my eyes unfocused on my own figure and sharped beyond that, my
vision latched onto a sight that took a long while to process in my mind.
Tits.
A pair of round, perky tits were looking back at me and seemingly waving with
the way they bounced up firmly.
If this was to occur during any other situation, I would have nodded in
approval at the glimpse of free tits, but this wasn't a normal situation. Let
me repeat that for effect: This was not a normal situation. I was three stories
above the ground, hanging outside an unfamiliar window, looking at tits that
belongs to a stranger—a stranger who—lucky for me—was looking directly at me
(who knows, she could have noticed me from the start, but when your eyes become
glued to a pair of tits, it's kind of difficult to look elsewhere).
I had expected her to immediately cover herself and scream, then again I also
expected myself to flee as fast as I could. But neither of us lived up to this
expectation and simply kept staring at each other with our lips parted and our
eyes static.
As long as this scene felt, it all occurred in the time span of seconds and as
much as I felt like an animal in the wild, remaining still in hopes my predator
wouldn't notice me, I knew such a method wasn't plausible and I was indeed
caught. Not by Military Police, not by thugs or human-traffickers, but by this
woman. This thought hit me just as my head smacked against the concrete below
after my cramped hand had finally released me.
My head throbbed repeatedly, like someone was continuously bashing in my head
with a brick. The throb went to my temples, the back of my head and my ears;
which were currently ringing obnoxiously. My vision was black, despite the fact
I was pretty sure my eyes were open and batting wildly. Slowly, the blackness
distorted and turned into orbs muddled color. What appeared to be a ceiling was
revealed after a few more blinks.
Putting the pain aside, a twinge of panic and natural instinct surged through
me and I bolted up—the action caused my blood to circulate even faster and rush
to my head, making the pounding more severe. But never mind something so
petty—where the fuck am I? Nothing's familiar: not the hard slab I was on top
of, not the vast ray of equipment around that looked like it was used for
surgery... or as torture devices. Not even the smell was recognizable, but the
scent was foul, like something died around here, like an animal...or a person.
Fuck.
I was warned about places like this after the black market started accepting
organs in exchange for cash. There's all kinds of sickos that will kidnap
people and slice out their liver. I padded myself, making sure all of me was
still there and reached my head, feeling a gauze around it.
Shit. Are they prepping to take out my brain?
Did they start already—was that why my head hurt so much? Or maybe someone
knocked me in the head and dragged me here.
I took a breath. A deep one. Panic wasn't my strongest trait, best not to rely
on it. Think about this clearly. I didn't encounter anyone...did I? My memories
were fuzzy, but I was pretty sure I didn't even make it to the North District.
I propped my elbow against my knee and hung my head into my palm, trying to
piece together what happened, but my thoughts were cut off when my shoulders
were pulled back. I landed back on the slate with a loud thump.
"You shouldn't be sitting up! Rest that head of yours or else you'll start
bleeding again!"
A woman's voice floated above me and a second later a face that matched the
tone was looking down at me like a specimen under a magnifying glass.
She was wearing a thin smile and watching me with round eyes under her glasses,
her brunette hair was messily tied up into a ponytail. After taking in her
appearance, all my memories floated back to me.
"...You're the one with the nice rack." I spoke like a slurring drunk and my
voice sounded flatter than usual—which was unavoidable since I couldn't even
remember how to move my lips properly. Also, I couldn't hold back the claim. It
was literately the first thing that came to mind.
She let out a rough giggle and bobbed her head proudly. "Yup, that's me! And
thanks, I grew them myself."
So maybe my brain wasn't being prepped for surgery and evidently sold to the
black market—or maybe I'm drugged up and this is where my brain felt like
sending me before it's ripped from the stem. Even if this was some trippy dream
during amateur surgery, I wanted the setting around me to be explained.
"You mind telling me where the fuck I am?"
"In my house—well, the morgue, to be more precise."
"...Why the hell am I in a morgue?"
She waved her hand reassuringly. "Don't worry, it's not like I put you down
here for an autopsy in case you died from the fall or anything."
The way she worded it made me think that's exactly what she planned on doing.
She slid a stool over near the slate, a speculative smile never fading from her
lips. "My father runs this morgue and in case you're wondering where that
stench of rotting flesh is coming from, it's coming from the back room where
the incinerator is."
That means the equipment circling me isn't instruments of torture, but for
autopsy purposes and the hard slate I'm on is used for—
". . . . . .!"
I jolted up to my feet and the woman stood at attention to grasp my shoulders,
holding me back from turning tail. I was used to this sort of thing by now, but
it should be noted that my height only reached just above her shoulders. The
magnetizing effect of her glasses made her eyes pop out even more as she
twisted her face dumbly at my attempt to flee.
"What's the matter? Like I said, you need to rest—"
"How dare you put me on a slate were dead fucking bodies lay, shitty-glasses."
My voice roared over hers, my speech impediment from before was gone.
"...I clean it after dissections."
"Liar."
She put her head down in surrender. "At least sit down," she pushed the stool
between us and even though it was likely just as filthy, I took a seat,
crossing all my limps together stiffly with a puss on my face.
She went to the other side of the room and pushed along another stool and sat
across from me, scratching the back of her likely lice-ridden head. "Sorry
about that, I was just frantic when I saw you fall and needed a place to stitch
you up quickly."
"...Did I really fall hard enough to need stitches?"
"Yep, you took a nasty hit to the back of the head. You're lucky you're up and
talking right now. Don't worry though, I did a professional job—I had enough
practice with my experiments."
Since this is her father's morgue, it was reasonable to assume that she helped
out and did some autopsies, but wording it as experiments was an odd way to put
it and I couldn't help but think she was referring to something else entirely.
I decided to question her on this to be sure there wasn't a misunderstanding.
"...Experiments? What kind of experiments?"
That's the day I learned to never, ever ask this woman another question
relating to experiments ever again.
I'd rather have my eardrum pierced with infected needles than be forced to
listen to all of this excruciating bullshit coming from her mouth. After
suffering through an agonizing and well-detailed description of all the
deceased she worked on (or as she called them: "test subjects") the
conversation veered to her telling me all about (in great detail) her
fascination with Titans. The way her eyes sparked up like a damsel in love made
me uncomfortable and I thought about getting up and leaving, likely unnoticed
as she continued to talk, but I stayed put. This long one-sided chat ended with
her telling me she was planning to join the Survey Corps next year so that she
could finally fulfill her life-long wish of running experiments on the Titans.
"Anyway, I'm Hanji Zoe!" Funny how I knew her entire life story, hobbies and
creepy fascinations before learning her name.
"And you are...?" She reached out to me, gesturing a handshake, but I just
looked at her hand in disgust like it was a pile of shit.
"...Levi."
"Levi—?"
"That's all you need to know."
She pulled her flatted hand away and turned it into a thumbs-up. She took the
hint that I didn't want to touch her filthy hand and even accepted being
granted only my given name without pressing the issue further, but she did,
unfortunately, address another bothersome matter. "Now might be a good time to
ask why you were peaking into my window, Levi..."
Just when my circulation started to stabilize, my blood started swamping my
skull, making my head pulse once more. Shitty-glasses got it all wrong. "I'm
not some peeping tom. You shouldn't get dressed in front of open windows
anyway."
"My bedroom is on the third floor and it's the middle of the night. Excuse me
for not taking it into consideration that someone on Maneuver Gear might pass
by."
". . . . . ." From any other perspective, I really did just look like a common
pervert; a common pervert with Maneuver Gear and a head concussion.
Thankfully, Hanji wasn't one to keep picking at piddling matters and instead
moved to a fresh topic. "You're in the Survey Corps, right? I heard they left
for a mission this morning, why didn't you go?"
My chin sloped down at the wild claim as I gave her a quizzical look. "I'm not
in the Survey Corps."
"Oh. Then where did you get the gear?"
"...None of your business."
She squished her lip, unsatisfied with my answer. "If you weren't peeping on
girls, then why were you using the gear?"
"Do I have to repeat myself?"
She huffed and twirled her head around the room, like she had a stiff neck and
was trying to get out the cramp. "I just carried your heavy ass in here and
tended to your wounds and told you my life story, but you can't answer a single
question?"
"I never asked you to do any of that, though."
She was the curious type, I could tell, and she proved to be even more childish
than Eren when he kept pressing for an answer. "You got a free show of me
topless, the least you can do is answer some simple questions!"
I groaned. She's annoying. And weird. I wanted her to shut up, so I gave her a
snippet. "I was heading over to the North District for some information, that's
all."
"...North? What, are you suicidal? What kind of information are you looking
for—the origin or the Titan's? That's the only information that seems valuable
enough to risk your life in that side of town."
"It's a long story."
She folded her hands on her lap and chortled. "I like long stories—I normally
like telling them, but I can be a good listener too."
Her next actions I found unnecessary since we were the only ones in the room.
Leaning forward a bit, her volume lowered by a few notches and her hand
barricaded one side of her mouth. "By the way, don't skimp out on the details.
I figured out that it probably involves something illegal—I bet that gear of
yours came from the black market. I'm no stranger to that place, so I won't
nark on you."
I just stared at her for a long time and finally stood. Yeah, I'm leaving this
crazy lady right now. My concern wasn't being reported, but allowing myself to
become one of her test subjects and let her pick at my brain (mentally or
literally) is something I am worried about. Only a step or two was cleared
before my head and feet suddenly felt numb; I wobbled just to keep myself
balanced before a greasy hand gripped my wrist.
"Are you deaf? You need to stay put, I'm not kidding!"
"I just want to go home." Tonight, unfortunately, was going to be put aside as
another failure on my part. There was no way I'd last a second in the North
District in my current condition—I would need some rest before heading out
again. This could all be blamed on this Hanji woman.
Damn this wench and her stupid glasses and stupid tits.
An exaggerated heave sounded from her as she stood, a sense of involvement was
clearly going through her head as a pitiful look was sent down to me. "At least
let me help you get home. In your current condition you'll never make it back
without assistance."
I didn't want her to tag along with me all the way back to my place, but with
being as light headed as I am right now, it might be a wise idea to have back
up, just in case.
"Whatever, do what you want."
She gripped her hand around my shoulder, but I brushed it off on impact. I
wasn't entirely handicapped to the point I needed aid for simply balancing. So
long as I walked slow and steady, I could manage on my own.
We made our exit and she locked the door behind her. I kept walking, though,
but she caught up to me in a jog.
"Do you live far from here?"
I couldn't think sharply due to the stinging in my head, but my surroundings
were familiar and that told me I wasn't far from home. "It's just a few blocks
from here."
I staggered through the streets, which wasn't an uncommon sight, but this is
the first time the scene played out while I was sober. Hanji kept my pace right
beside me, her arms out and ready to catch me at any given time if I were to
fall. The woman was strange, that much I deducted after she vented to me about
her creepy hobbies, but she was considerate; a rarity nowadays.
If she were any other woman, I would have received a good slap to the face and
left bleeding to death on the pavement after my fall. I almost considered
myself lucky that it was her window I got caught peeping into.
"It's right up here." I said and by this time the arrival was a miracle.
I really needed to sit down. At this rate I was going to start hemorrhaging if
I didn't stabilize my heartbeat.
"...Oh. So you live around here, huh?"
"Yeah, what about it?" I cornered my eyes up at her, a scowl evident. I felt a
little insulted at the way her voice dipped in disapproval. It was a shitty
area, yes, but she lived close by so she also lived in a shitty area—she had no
right to imply she was of a higher class by downing this hood.
"No—sorry, that came out wrong. I just...I just recalled what happened around
here a few weeks ago." She paused, looking dreadful as she rub her hands over
her sleeves; either she was cold or the said memory rushed a chill over her
body. "This neighborhood isn't the safest, but homicide was always considered a
foreign concept around here. It puts me on edge a little to know that couple
was murdered around here—"
"How do you know about that?" There was no doubt about it that she was
referring to my crew, since she said it herself: murder didn't happen in these
parts often. Last I checked, their deaths were never covered in newspapers and
it was almost like they disappeared off the face of the earth when they died;
their presence only remaining in my memory like they were just a figment of a
weird drug trip and I was the only one who could recall them existing in the
first place. Having said all this, her words referring to my friends threw me
off, yet took my full attention.
She pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. "Well, I performed their
autopsy—wait, did you know them?"
We stood facing each other on the top of my steps and I looked down to my door,
wanting to flee from pending images that would come from answering. I closed my
eyes to prepare for what would be said next. "They were friends of mine."
"...I'm sorry, Levi. That's really awful."
I shook her words off and distracted my mind with what she said prior—it was
almost a relief to know that they were handed over to a morgue properly and not
thrown away like dogs, but it was disappointing at the same time to know that I
couldn't even give them a proper burial. "...So you performed their autopsy—is
their anything you can tell me about it?"
The chances of her knowing any critical evidence about their assassin's were
slim, but it didn't hurt to ask the last person who examined them some
questions.
"Depends on what you want to know, I performed a lot of test on them—ah, I just
realized that might be upsetting to hear, sorry."
"No, it's fine." I looked to the door again and jingled my keys in my hand, my
face winced at the thought that popped in my head. "If you're up to it, you can
come inside and tell me about it."
I wanted to know everything I can, even if it wasn't exactly useful
information. There was a chance—and when it came to finding the actual culprit
with evidence to back it up, I had to take any chance I could get.
Despite the fact it was the middle of the night and the two of us meet on
the strangest circumstances, she eagerly welcomed herself inside. To her, it
was just an opportunity to talk about her hobbies, but to me, it was a chance
to gain more knowledge about my friends final moments.
After lighting up the living room to clear the darkness, I offered Hanji a seat
on the couch. As I was about to sit myself, the bathroom door creaked open,
halting me in my action as I waited to see if it was Eren or Mikasa exiting.
A small girl came to view and rubbed at her eyes in our direction. "Is
everything alright?" She must be a little startled to suddenly see the room
lively with myself and a stranger taking up the space.
"Yeah—oh, right. How's Eren doing?"
"He's still sleeping. I can't really tell."
"Okay. Go back to bed, then. I'll check on him in the morning."
She yawned while nodding and returned to Eren's bedroom with a click of the
door.
Hanji turned to me with excitement in her eyes, both palms slapping down on her
thighs. "Uwa~ how cute! I would have never imagined you were a father! Your
daughter is really beautiful, I can see the resemblance~"
Yanking my head back at her wild accusation, I explained quickly. "No, I don't
have any kids. They're just staying with me for a while."
Hanji's mouth formed a circle as she blinked at me. "Ah...so they're you're
relatives kids or something?"
"...They're from the Shiganshina District and came here to look for their
father after the Titan breach. I'm just letting them stay here until they track
him down." I avoided eye contact with her by flicking the long ash of my
cigarette in the ashtray, but when I looked up again, I was startled to see her
skin suffered inflammation as her entire face twitched.
"They—they're from the Shi-Shiganshina District?"
"Yeah...?"
She began stuttering and mumbled like a used up hooker after a bad trip. "Th-
They saw them...u-up close...ooh boy—"
"Are you okay."
She bolted up and shot her hand in the air proudly, her filthy foot propped up
on the coffee table. Her eyes twinkled with enough delight to cause a glare on
her lenses. "You must let me interview those children!"
"Absolutely not."
Her proud structure crumbled along with her twisted grin. "Why not? It would
really help with my analysis about the Titan's..." Her confident vocals were
replaced with a tone more whinny than Eren's when he wanted something.
"Who gives a shit about your analysis? They're big, ugly creators that eat
people. What more do you need to know?"
"Your kids might no more! Let me question them!" She rose her voice louder, not
caring about showing manners in another persons home in the middle of the
night.
"Levi~ Pleaseeee?"
Why do people think that sing-songy begging voice works? Especially on me of
all people?
"Get out of my house, shitty-glasses." At the time, being irritated as I was, I
couldn't even remember why I invited this lunatic that gets wet from the
thought of Titans inside my home in the first place. Damn head concussion;
everything felt so choppy.
"After you let me question them, I'll leave."
My back hunched down as I pinched the bridge on my nose. Why is it that every
person I meet is either batshit insane or annoying? In Hanji's case, there is
no 'or'. A real winner she is, she takes both titles all for herself. "Listen,
Hanji. Shiganshina isn't exactly filled with happy memories for them, if you
catch my drift."
"I won't make them talk about their personal experiences. I just want to ask
them about the Titan's behavior."
"That alone would trigger them. Titans killed their loved ones—anyway, just
leave them out of your stupid research. They've been through enough."
Hanji closed her eyes and took a long breath through her nostrils then slumped
back down into the couch with an exhale. "Fine, fine. I just got excited
because I never met a Shiganshina survivor before—but I'll drop it."
How terrifying would it be for those children if a scary woman like Hanji
busted through the door while they were half asleep and questioned them about
the Titan's? Thank God she overcame that delusional way of thinking.
"Speaking of the kids, you said they were looking for their father, right?" At
least she was wise enough to change the topic before I got too angry.
"Yeah. He was headed toward Wall Sina during the breach. They've been looking
for him for months with no luck, though."
"That's too bad. Could you tell me his name or maybe a description? There's a
better chance of finding him if more eyes are searching."
The kids never mentioned his name, just referred to him as "dad" so all I was
able to give her was Eren's surname. "Yeager, and he's a doctor. That's about
all I know."
"Yeager...you know, that name rings a bell. I think he might have visited my
father in the past."
"What about recently?"
"Not that I can recall, sorry. But if he visits again I'll be sure to tell him
his children are looking for him."
"The help is appreciated." Adding another person in the search heightened our
chances of finding him. It was nice of her to offer her assistance, admittedly.
The room became silent after that, but once I recalled the point of letting her
in the house in the first place, the next words I spoke stirred her up again.
"Now you're going to tell me about the autopsy you performed, right?"
She was previously sulking with her head down, but my words snapped her up.
"You mean...you really want to hear about it?"
"Of course, idiot. Gather your thoughts and I'll make some coffee. I want to
know everything."
Making coffee wasn't a good idea. From the second I met her, I learned Hanji
was quite a talkative and perky woman by her own nature. When you add fuel to
an already lit fire it just makes the blaze all the more intense.
But thankfully she managed to calm down her passion for the sake of the serious
topic at hand. Setting down her cup, she looked at me with a solemn expression.
"I can start by telling you the details of their cause of death."
I lifted my hand off my folded arm and waved away the offer. "We can pass that,
I already know they were murdered by a blade of some kind judging by the state
of them."
Her eyes rounded toward me. "This doesn't imply you actually saw their corpses,
right?"
"Yeah, I did."
"I'm sorry." She paused to close her eyes from the impact of my claim, but
those brown eyes shot back at me suddenly. "Why is it that you want to know
about autopsy, Levi? You've been through enough by losing your friends and to
be frank, if you get me talking about it there's a good chance I'll go into
great detail and manage to upset you."
I shrugged carelessly and draped my arm over the back of the couch. "I'm
looking for the person who killed them. That's why I was heading to the North
District earlier; to seek information." It was a shame that my trip was held
off for another night. I was still internally cursing about it. I'm always
being delayed, but I suppose meeting Hanji wasn't a horrible twist of fate. She
was connected to the crime, in a way, and she could turn out to be a good
source for my data collecting.
Determination glowed on her erect features. "Understood. I'll help you any way
I can. A sicko like that shouldn't get away with such a crime."
That's what I like to hear. It's not too terrible to make a friendly and
resourceful ally like her. But this foreplay of a conversation is tedious. I
just wanted to skip to the juicy bit. "Is there anyway to tell what kind of
weapon was used? I know it was a blade, but I didn't get a good enough look at
the wounds to deduct the type that was used."
"Well—it was sharp enough to hack through flesh and bone, so I ruled out knives
and pocket blades. I'm leaning toward a sword or katana of some kind."
"In your opinion, do you think the murder was premeditated?"
"Absolutely. It's safe to assume we're not talking about a random mugging or
knife fight. Given the fact that no one legally walks around with sharp swords,
yes, it seems that the perpetrator planned it, but I'm still 50/50 when it
comes to other matters—like the fact that they were killed in an open alley way
makes me think they were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. However, if
the murders were due to petty crime like mugging or drugs, then I don't see why
they would have been slayed mercilessly. Whoever killed them really wanted them
dead."
A thoughtful hm sounded in my throat as I looked away to gather my own ideas
with a drag of my cigarette. I twisted the filter between my fingers
thoughtfully. Hanji flipped back and forth on the motive, but more evidence
points to it being planned. "So it looks like a hate-grudge, right?"
"In a way, yes. When victims are slashed repeatedly—even after death—it usually
implies the culprit really hated the victim."
Another check added to Maverick, in that case. It was unnecessary to question
Hanji on this, since I made that assumption prior but having a second opinion
confirming was still helpful. Just having someone to talk about the specifics
of their deaths caused an unusual alleviation—something I hadn't expected to
happen.
"Can you determine how many people were involved?" I asked.
"More than one, for sure. The man put up a good fight though, judging by all
his bruises, but after a careful analysis I confirmed that the woman died
first. It's possible he was trying to protect her, but a second person stepped
in and aided the culprit."
Based on that, it had to be one of Maverick's boys doing the dirty work for
him, but he was still the commander in charge that called all the shots; making
him the prime suspect. Killing his mindless goons wouldn't be as satisfying as
killing the man who voiced the order.
"Anything else worthy of note about the autopsy?"
"Two things, actually. There was something strange I found while testing their
blood. An unrecognizable substance I never saw before was in their
bloodstream."
It didn't surprise me as much as Hanji probably assumed it would. "My friends
experimented with drugs, in spurts. When there was something new on the street
they would try it out, to see if it was worth selling. They weren't junkies,
though, just experimental."
"I'm not really up to date on the chemicals involved in trending street drugs,
so let's just assume that's the explanation. It wasn't toxic or anything. It
plays little-to-no role in the murder anyway, but it's tactful to keep in mind
they may have been under the influence of something, which might have led their
actions that evidently led to their homicide—but I don't want to assume
anything, but it's best not to leave out any options."
They weren't the type to start trouble while they were fucked up on something,
but if they were high and felt threatened by Maverick or his goons, there was a
chance that shit hit the fan due to their unnatural state. It was still no
reason to kill someone, though, because I knew those guys better than anyone
and they never wanted to hurt anyone unless they hurt them first. That's how I
know that their deaths weren't their own fault, even if they were high off
their asses.
"You said there was something else, right?"
She interlaced her fingers, using the bridge she created as a support for her
chin. "Yes, but I'm not sure how you'll take it."
Not knowing what kind of news I had in store for me, I braced myself with a
deep breath, closing my eyes. "Tell me."
"When I dissected the woman, I was surprised to find that there was a fetus
inside—she was over a month pregnant from the looks of it. When I ran a blood
test, it was confirmed that the babies DNA matched both victims. Now, this
doesn't involve their murder but—"
Hanji's voice faded away as my breathing paused, my stomach turning. I covered
my mouth with my hand.
Wait—they were together? It shouldn't be coming as much of a shock, given the
fact that I became more suspicious about their relationship as the years went
by, but I was—I was shocked.
I was thrown completely off course by this. They sometimes got so shy around
each other but still unmistakably flirted—to know they got together actually
made me relieved; it was almost agonizing watching them act like timid
teenagers around each other when they obviously had romantic feelings, but,
shit, they finally got together after all that time. And to top if off, she
got knocked up—which would have caused an uproar between us all at first, but
we all would have worked through it somehow...would have. I should be saying
we will work through it, but they are dead—including their unborn baby. Just in
the peek of their relationship, just when there was a new hope growing inside,
they had their lives taken away from them...taken away from me.
"Levi...Are you alright? I know it's not pleasant news, I'm sorry—maybe I
shouldn't have told you..."
I swept my hand over my face and snapped myself back into composure. I spoke in
a mumble through my fingers, "I'm fine."
The way Hanji's lips turned downward showed that she clearly saw right through
me. "Maybe this isn't the best time to ask you, but did they have any family?"
I shook my head with a tight lip. "No. It was just us." They were my only
family as well, but that was hardly worth mentioning.
"I see. In that case, I think it's only right if I ask you—would you like to be
the one to claim their ashes?"
"...What?"
"Well, when we cremate 'John or Jane Doe's' at the morgue, we hold onto the
urns for a month. If no relatives or friends comes to claim them, we sprinkle
them in the graveyard. But if you'd like, you can take ownership of them." She
paused there, allowing her head to depress. "And also the babies ashes, as
well."
I bit my lip, hard, the sharp sting distracting me from wanting to go on a full
rampage to release my boiling rage. I nodded stiffly at her, almost unsurely.
"Yes, please, I would appreciate that a lot."
Chapter End Notes
     So no one gets confused, Maverick is technically an OC (but I hate
     named OC's in fics so don't call him that shhh) I just couldn't think
     of anyone in canon who would fit that role, so, yeah, hope you guys
     don't mind! Things will remain pretty serious and angsty for a while.
     Unfortunately, stress will just keep piling up for poor ol' Levi.
***** Misconstrued *****
Chapter Summary
     Something is bothering Eren and Levi is going to get to the bottom of
     it. The heated exchange leaves him reflecting on his darkest
     memories.
Chapter Notes
     You guys are going to start hating me for emotionally abusing Levi,
     but one of the genres is hurt/comfort and not humor for a
     reason...I'm sorry. I wish I could tell you things will get better
     after this but I would be lying. But I promise to throw in some
     comedy whenever I see the opportunity!
     Warning: This chapter has triggers. There are mentions of noncon,
     suicide, self-harm and deep depression. Please, if I missed anything
     now or in future chapters, tell me and I will add them in and
     apologize. I take triggers very seriously so don't be afraid to let
     me know if something needs a warning!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Shitty-glasses, Titans' slut, nice tits or 'Hanji'—whatever you wanted to call
her—ended up spending the night at my house. There's a valid reason for this
and surprisingly enough it's not because my home is suddenly a free hotel (even
though that's reasonable to assume after I took in those two brats and let
Commander Blondie spend the night). After our long discussion about my crews
murder and deadly gangs, it didn't feel right to let her walk home alone in the
middle of the night.
Ain't I a fucking gentleman?
I disliked the idea of a stranger (a very strange stranger) I just met staying
at my house and laying on my couch, wrapping herself in my linens with that
greasy body of hers, but if I were to walk her back it defeated the purpose of
her coming along to assist my condition in the first place.
I was in an erratic, yet clear state of mind last night. Surprisingly enough,
not a single drop of liquor touched my lips, but my head still pounded upon
wakening as if I drank a bars entire shipment of booze.
Smacking my head on the concrete may have played a roll in my current head
condition, either that or the conversation last night was mounting down heavy
pressure on my thoughts.
It hasn't been long since my friends died, but with every day I miss them more
because I can physically feel them drifting further away from me, further from
my memory; their faces are starting to blur in my minds eye and the thought of
them disappearing completely terrified me. How can people I saw everyday feel
so far now? Was it the shock effecting my photogenic retention? Or was it that
death really is a permanent end that erased a persons existence?
I buried my face in the pillow from the thought—a whiff of Erwin's scent was
still attached to the fabric.
Sometimes after I woke up, I'd forget they were actually gone. That brief
moment of oblivion was becoming something to look forward to. For just a
second, I actually believed they were still alive, ready for me to exit my
bedroom and greet me with those stupid smiles they always wore. That blissful
moment of content would soon be destroyed—followed up by the same dread that
was forced down my throat. I had to swallow the same harsh truth day after day.
Time doesn't heal; it was still a bitter load to ingest and it was only a
matter of time before I choked from the build up.
I lost my family; my mother and father were taken from me in the prime of my
childhood. Being the optimistic idiot I was back then, I tried to pick myself
up and it was worth it because I made a new family—but I lost them too.
Everyone I care about gets taken away from me.
It's only a matter of time until I lose the little I have left; this cognizance
came to me like a calm before a storm. I sensed a disaster coming, like how
birds could detect a disturbance brewing, but unlike them I couldn't fly from
the danger. There was nothing I could do to stop the future from unfolding. I'm
nothing but an apterous rat stranded on the unsecured ground.
Erwin—he would die eventually, sooner rather than later. If he does end up
surviving a few more years, he'll likely lose his mind in the process and be
better off dead, free from the burdened misery that comes with his
responsibility.
As for Eren and Mikasa—I care about those kids, more than I ever expected to
when I first met them. This only meant they will leave me eventually too. At
best, they'll be reunited with their father and we'll never see each other
again. If I'm lucky, I'll remain a decent memory for them for a few years,
marking me as the man who helped them in a time of need. That would be the best
case scenario—I much rather them be with a family member than a bad influence
like me.
The day I'm left completely alone in this house, left with nothing but the
silence and memories, I do selfishly dread.
They'll become fine adults, I'm sure, if they don't actually end up joining the
Survey Corps, that is. If they do, then at least by then they'll be out of my
hands. I won't have to face the news that they were killed at a young age.
The time told me it was a little past five in the evening. This meant there was
likely activity going on in the kitchen with Eren fighting for cooking rights
as Mikasa does her best to convince the self-proclaimed chef a break from his
duties, but that translated to 'don't feed me your gross, overly-seasoned thing
you call a meal'.
It was nice to have a routine—the predictable was pleasant; calming even. Life
could be so chaotic and unorganized at times. Times like this, as rare as it
was, was something to be savored. Knowing what to expect when I walk through
that door left me with a pleasant sensation as I turned the knob.
A muffle sound of glass shattering, a thump that shuddered the hallway walls
and a fretful shout disturbed me—no, contradicted me.
Fucking idiots ruined my moment.
"Ugh." That groan lasted until I reached the end of the hall and made a sharp
right into the kitchen, scratching my head as I looked to the floor with closed
eyes, I prepared myself mentally before submitting myself to whatever mess was
before me.
"What the hell is going on in—"
"Mornin', Levi! Ah, well, evening—" A large woman wearing Eren's apron, that
fit her big-ass frame perfectly, greeted me. Seeing her made me disregard the
disorder surrounding me.
"Get the fuck out of my house."
Straining her features, Hanji's tone went went franticly high. "What's with the
cold shoulder? I thought we were friends! Besides, you weren't going to wake up
anytime soon and I had to feed your kids!"
I glanced over at Eren seated on top of the counter near her. He was previously
smiling like he just got finished sharing an inside joke with Hanji, but now
looked rather blank. Mikasa had somehow made her way over to stand beside me
without me noticing her move at all—she just sort of appeared next to me.
"They can cook just fine for themselves—and they're not my kids." I said.
There was a tug on my shirt. I slanted my view down to Mikasa, who was giving
off a confounded vibe. Her voice was directed at me, but her eyes were set on
the loud woman. "Levi, she's been here all day. Who is this woman?"
"No clue. An intruder, perhaps."
"Aw come on! That's cold!" She turned and nudged Eren with her elbow. "Ne,
Eren, wanna know how Levi and I met?" He gestured a yes.
Resist the urge to knock her in the head with a frying pan.
I tightened my fist, thinking of the worst possible thing she could say. Last
night was a mess I wanted to forget, but one thought did remain: I concluded
that Hanji had a high intelligence despite her strange hobbies. If she was as
smart as I assumed, she wouldn't say anything stupid to a kid. I relaxed a bit.
"The perv was peeping in my window while I was dressing last night! Can you
believe it? Hahaha!"
Where's the fucking frying pan?
"I believe it, he's a total pervert." Eren and Hanji shared a giggle together,
their chuckling sent them bumping into each other. It suddenly felt like battle
with Mikasa on my side and Eren siding with the enemy.
"You don't look sick anymore, you fucking liar." He wasn't sick to begin with,
he just wanted an excuse to be a lazy little shit, didn't he?
The smile he was gifting Hanji with straighten out when he looked my way. He
gave a little "hmph!" and flicked his head away all prissy-like.
"What's with that face you're making, Eren? Constipated?"
He lashed his neck at me as if he was waiting for the opportunity to be stirred
up so he could boil over. "I should be asking the questions. Why is there a
bandage wrapped around your head? Get in a drug brawl? Or let me guess, you
fell off the pole."
"Oi, brat." I stomped up to him and based on the way he flinched and shielded
his face with his arms, he wasn't man enough to confront the consequences of
his regretted words, but it was too late to take back now.
Somethings up. And I'm going to get to the bottom of it. Right now.
A feeling in my gut told me there was something more to that scene he feigned
yesterday, but for the sake of having better things to do, I didn't insist and
settled on the idea that he was just sick. But Eren is unmistakably being
brattier than usual. When something is on his mind that either pisses him off
or confuses that puny brain stuck in that spacious head, the only way he knows
how to react is by malfunctioning completely. The defect is causing him to act
out like a rebellious little punk.
I latched onto his lobe, not in the playful way I usually do when he's lying,
but actually hard enough to send him off the counter to his clumsy feet. He
mouthed curses all the while. I moved my hand in favor of his collar and
pulled, breezing past Hanji and Mikasa as Eren dragged behind. "Show yourself
to the door, Hanji."
"B-But—!"
"Go. And as for you, Mikasa—" I looked back at the girl sending me vile glares
as she chased me down. "—stay out of this."
The door of Eren's room shook from the rough impacted when I swept it closed
and locked it, finally releasing his collar when I pushed him onto the bed.
"What's wrong with you?"
He protected himself by curling up against the headboard, his arms wrapped
around his perched legs. "I don't know what you're talking about. You're
probably drunk and imagining things. You are an alcoholic, after all."
I narrowed my eyes on him and took a single step forward. "Where's this coming
from, Eren."
But I didn't receive an answer. Instead, Eren yelled out and in the midst of
his tantrum, a pillow was soared across the room and I caught it before it hit
me directly in the face. Rather than pulling my arms down, I looked back at
Eren from behind the side of the pillow in disbelief.
"Get out." Eren said in a groggy whisper as what I believed to be whimpers
started stewing in his throat.
"I'm staying until you tell me what's wrong." I sat cross-legged on the end of
the bed, visually backing up my claim of stubborn will.
He left me outcasted from the reason behind his actions for twenty minutes. We
said nothing more to each other. But we were both thinking the same thing: who
would crack first? Would he spit it out, or would I get bored and leave?
I entertained myself by trying to figure out what caused Eren's outburst and
his face looked just as thought-provoked as mine. Perhaps he was organizing his
own frustrations into the correct words. After failing to determine the
problem, I waited for those words eagerly.
Whatever was bugging him, I'd help him find a solution. We don't know each
other long, but he already knew a good portion about myself—things no one had
the right to know about me, but he did and that made him an exceptional person
in my life; it's only fair if he opens up to me as well. If something was
bothering him, I'd try to fix it. But he needs to tell me in order to do that,
because there was no way I'd figure it out on my own at this rate. I'm usually
sharp with reading people, but I'm lost this time.
Our Christmas together wasn't anything special, but Eren seemed happy up until
we departed for the night. Ever since then he hasn't been the same. What could
have possibly happened during that short amount of time?
"I saw you."
Eren spit out those words as he rubbed the sniffle from his nose roughly. The
simple, vague words sprang me up from my scrunched posture. He calmed down now,
it seemed, but I still talked low enough not to rattle him up again. "...You
saw what?"
The profile view of his face was thoroughly inspected while I waited for him to
finish his half-assed answer; his mouth was tight and agitated, his brows sunk
deeper than I ever saw them before. Finally, those teal-green eyes glowed right
into mine, and his pending words burned away all my oblivion. "I saw you with
Erwin."
I almost shrugged dumbly at him, like I needed further clarification, but then
a flutter ran down my chest. Eren's words crashed in my head louder than the
hostile bang I heard that interrupted my heated kiss with Erwin.
I crushed my lips together and held my pounding head.
Damnit.
I didn't know whether or not to feel embarrassed or guilty, but another emotion
took over entirely with a rise in my voice. "Why the hell are you giving me a
hard time over something so stupid? Mind your business, kid, and don't spy on
adults anymore."
His mouth dropped, but his teeth soon clenched together as his fist punched the
mattress. "You just don't get it, do you?"
"Get what, Eren? Your jealousy? Yeah, I do and I'm telling you to knock it
off."
He tried to put up a strong front, he really did and I'll give him credit for
that. But his fort he hastily built crumbled and he started crying like a new
born baby. "If you did really get it, you wouldn't have said that—I
have feelings for you and it took a lot to tell you about them. Why didn't you
tell me about him when I told you all that stuff? I feel like such an idiot
now."
So... I'm getting the third degree by a twelve year old for allowing a boy in
the house? Who does he think he is? My father? The kid needed to learn his
place. "Get over it. Life is full of disappointments."
"Yes, I'm well-fucking-aware of that—but I guess I was stupid to think you were
the only person that wouldn't disappoint me."
"Well you got one thing right, you are stupid. Eren, let me make myself very
clear—I would never 'date you'—I don't know what kind of fantasy lies you've
been telling yourself, but don't drag me into your imaginative playtime."
He leaped off the bed, his bare foot shuddering a loose board and he looked
down to me, his enmity nearly knocking me over. "You are a liar."
A few wide blinks into his enraged eyes later, the emotion had drained from my
face.
"Tch." I stood, rising above him so the little shit doesn't get a bigger head
than he already has. Maybe I was in a weird mood that night, maybe something
regrettable was said—who fucking knows, I barely remember, but I obviously
wasn't thinking straight. You can't confess emotional feelings to a guy
mourning his friends, it's bound to go sour. Besides, I never said I'd go
steady with a damn twelve year old—that's him twisting my words as usual. I
don't have time for his misconceptions.
He's a dumb child who thinks he knows how to read his own feelings—how naïve is
he? And how naïve does he think I am? I'm an adult and I still don't understand
my own emotions. I've known Erwin for a year now and my feelings still get
flipped around a lot—sometimes in the midst of sex, I'll feel more than
physical passion for him, but such ideas usually gets discharged along with my
load. But Eren thinks he understands his romantic emotions after knowing me for
a couple of weeks? Give me a fucking break.
"You said you'd give me a chance."
I bent down to him and mouthed my words clearly. "Yeah, I'd screw around with
you if you were older, that's all I said." That's all there was to it, really.
If Eren was older, or even if I still knew him in the future I might've fucked
around with him just for the sake of a good time, but the way he's pestering on
with this domestic fight is giving me second-hand embarrassment—it's as if he's
in love with me and has the damn right to put me in my place like a husband
scolding a cheating wife.
He hissed through his teeth, water droplets stuck in his eyes as he put all his
anger in his arms and gave me a push—but he didn't move me an inch, which
frustrated him more. Instead of hurting me physically, he settled for
sharpening his words.
"You're no different than the skanks that hang out on the street corners around
here. You're trashy. You should be ashamed of yourself."
". . . . . ."
I bobbed my head, biting hard on the inner wall of my cheek. I slammed the door
behind me when I made my silent exit.
"Levi...is everything okay?"
My boiling cup of rage long since tipped over and I grabbed Hanji's front
collar; a button or two ripping off in the process. Mikasa had ran past us and
into Eren's room just as I opened the front door and shoved her outside like
dog. I stepped out to join her after shoving on my shoes and grabbing my coat.
"Go. Home."
She fanned her hands out at me, her brows upturned. "Okay—I will, but seriously
are you okay? I wasn't eavesdropping—I didn't catch a word of it but I heard
yelling. Is everything all righ—"
"What the fuck did I just say?" If my words didn't do the trick, than my
expression did because she backed up the stairs, cautiously away from my fatal
atmosphere.
"I'm leaving—see? Just take it easy." With that, she fleetly ditched me before
I could yell at her a final time.
Who do these people think they are? That little shit inside thinks he can talk
to me like an abusive husband after chugging down too many shots of whiskey,
Mikasa keeps sending me dirty looks now, Hanji's being a nosy bitch and Erwin
thinks he can control me like I'm his problem child.
Fuck 'em all.
I take back what I said before—being alone would be a blessing. Or less of a
headache at least. Speaking of headaches, my skull was throbbing and the gauze
did nothing to stop the pain. I yanked off the strip and threw it onto the
path, walking over it as I headed to an unknown destination.
"You're no different than the skanks that hang out on the street corners.
You're trashy. You should be ashamed of yourself."
His whinny words played on repeat in a steady beat, syncing with the pounding
in my head. Déjà vu of bad trips in a rowdy clubs came back to me. My vision
hazed and my feet stumbled, causing my shoulder to knock into a hard surface. I
found support on a wall edging an alley way and I rested my back against the
brick, my eyes were soon masked by my palm as I rubbed my temples with the tips
of my thumb and middle finger.
Why would he go that far? Why, after all we've shared together, would
he intentionally want to hurt me? Because he doesn't have a chance with me so
he's trying to give me a guilt trip about it? Is that why I had to be told off
like that?
How selfish.
Even if I was going to give him a chance, or whatever nonsense he kept talking
about, does he expect me to wait around until he grows up? If I recall
correctly, he's the one who said if I don't fall in 'love', I should give him a
chance. Didn't that give me the ticket to test other waters until then?
...I'm stressing out over nothing. A stupid problem child, that's all he
was—anything that comes from that mouth doesn't matter. I'd never like him
emotionally, and after this, not even physically. Screw him. I help him and his
sister out and my thanks was being referred to as a trashy hooker.
Kids today sucked—not that my generation was any better but at least I had the
decency not to say every antagonistic thought that ran through my head. Sure, I
might call him a stupid brat time-to-time, but what he said was inexcusable.
At least the truth is out now. For his sake, he better find his father quick
because after that scene I want them both gone as soon as possible. I have
enough to worry about in my personal life without his unneeded drama and
delusions.
I dug for my pack out of my pocket and fumbled around for a match. Once I
finally found it, I striked the match against the case and lit my cigarette.
The smooth toxin of nicotine instantly unraveled my constricting nerves.
"Shit. I think I heard someone."
My brows pulled down at the sudden interruption in the silence. I cornered my
eyes in the direction of the muttered voice and whorled around the alley
wall—only to see a man leaning against the brick with a younger boy on his
knees before him.
The man looked my way with fearful surprise and pushed the boys head away and
buttoned his pants, then bolted down the other way of the alley. "D-Don't tell
my wife!"
". . . . . . ."
Doesn't take a scientist to read a scene like this.
The boy sent me a sharp glare as he lifted himself off the floor, wiping his
mouth with the back of his hand as he did. "Fuck. That paranoid freak didn't
even pay me yet—thanks a lot for scaring him off, asshole."
The kid couldn't have been any older than sixteen but he spoke as if he's a
washed up bum. The liquor staining his breath nearly knocked me over even
though we were standing no where near each other. He must be new to this—the
rookies always need to get drunk before dealing with a customer. When you
become a real pro, you have the booze after so you can block it out.
"I'll pay his bill." I dug through my pocket and dished out a few soaring
bills. The boy rose a brow at me, looking at the wad carefully like it was a
trick before ripping the cash from my hand, counting it a few times.
"...So what do you want? For this amount, I assume it's really sick. Just
letting you know, I don't do anything with feet."
"I don't want anything."
I couldn't exactly afford to hand money to a bratty kid—but I couldn't exactly
walk away from him and leave him empty handed either. When it comes to turning
tricks, one customers payment could make all the difference in survival.
Most would walk pass a boy like this with a curl of their lip and their head
placed high like they're something special. But the truth is, there's a lot of
people like this that are just trying to get by and make the best out of a bad
situation—okay, maybe their not making the best of it, but at least they put up
a fight (even if it's against their pride) and kept themselves alive through
any means. Wasn't that suppose to make a person admirable? According to
society—no; that notion is forgotten when it comes to the poor and desperate.
Not everyone is blessed with parents to raise them and a home to shelter them
from the deadly threats the world offers. Such things are taken for granted and
others like to assume if you don't possess such common necessities, you must be
worthless scum or a dangerous criminal that deserved what you were handed, or
worse, that they wanted to live this type of lifestyle through choice. But they
have it all wrong. There's never a choice.
People like this are completely harmless and never asked to be born into this
rotten world and live the shitty life given to them. Sure, a few of them are
junkies and made morally wrong mistakes—but that's a result of living this type
of lifestyle. They can't be wholly blamed for their actions.
It's human nature to desire and when simple needs such as a roof over your
head, a job and having food in your stomach isn't met, the brain tries to
cope—for some, that could mean coping through substance or desperate rebellion.
Washing down your dignity takes more of a toll on your soul than it may seem.
To get through all the guilt and shame, some people turn to drinking, drugs,
violence or even self-harm. It's a rough world out there for those who have
zero support—no one to hold them up or tell them everything will be okay in the
end. It makes you wonder if all the pain you're going through is even worth it.
Will I overcome this hurdle if I undergo enough misery? Or will I live a
miserable life and remain the same piece of trash I lived as until I die? You
get those days were you think, "What's the point?".
Usually thoughts like this can't be quieted. Many take their lives to make the
feeling of hopelessness diminish at long last—but some press on and turn those
distracting thoughts off by illegal means.
I think people like that, people like this boy in front of me, are strong. I
may have never received a free break like the one I just handed him, but
everyone needs to have a reminder at one point that the entire population
within these walls don't all suck, no matter how convincing it seems otherwise.
Even I received that reminder.
I know all of this because I myself was in his kids tattered shoes at one
point—giving sex for money just so I could eat and living out on the street
during the unforgiving winter. It's a rough life that many of the fortunate
folks will never understand. Those same people, as lucky as they (don't know
they) are, form a wrong opinion about the people they call scum for lack of a
better understanding.
Most of the time, while out on the street and dealing with clients, I would get
strangled by them, have a knife put to my neck or they would refuse to pay. As
if people like us weren't disrespected enough, we also have to go through shit
like that daily—and for what? To live in a world filled with people like that?
It was a conflicting occupation.
I was just a small, vulnerable orphan back then. There wasn't much I could do
when such scenarios took place. I'd just cut my losses and call it a night. I
knew a good deal of knowledge about protecting myself and fighting thanks to my
father, which saved my ass from getting killed on many accounts, but taking on
grown men in a dark alley ways without backup was too risky for the change I
was given for the exchange of my body. My combat methods were only used in
life-or-death situations, and there were plenty of those.
So many people had to resort to this lifestyle—I met a lot of decent people who
have or still are caught up with the business and it was a damn shame.
I wondered when this kid started—I know I started around his age, or maybe a
little younger. I was fifteen when I had enough of sitting on my ass begging on
the streets all day just to collect a few coins. Thinking back to it, it was
disgusting how many adults could pass up a homeless, starving child, but that's
besides the point. I just lost it one day and I found the balls to steal a
woman's purse and you know what? While the money lasted I lived good for the
first time in years. Being good got me no where, but being bad gave me rewards.
Life wasn't easier this way, but at least I wasn't living off of literal
garbage anymore.
The first night I tried prostitution—I was so confident. I thought I had that
shit in the bag, like it would be the easiest gig in the world.
My virginity was lost by a nameless man on the side of a dumpster and I was
given ten bucks for it. It should also be noted that I did not know how sex
worked at the time. I was a sheltered child with religious parents. I had no
idea. I thought sex meant kissing and mutual handjobs.
It goes without saying that I was welcomed with a painful surprise.
I realized my mistake, but it was too late. He didn't stop. It didn't matter
how much I begged. I'm not the sentimental type—the significance people held
for losing their virginity to someone special is a meaningless concept to
me—but at the time, I was a child. A child who previously saw my future
unfolding differently. I went from living as a carefree, happy kid with my
parents to seeing them get eaten alive. Then I went on to fend for myself on
the dangerous streets to having my body used in ways I didn't understand
countless times by monstrous strangers.
After that first time, I went through a far range of emotions but the one that
was most potent was shame. I had a total breakdown after that. All these
phobias and anxieties started piling up and this lingering fear that my parents
hated me kept haunting my every conscious hour. The only time I got break from
this damaging state was when I slept, but it wasn't any better. The same scene
of the day outside the wall repeated nightly. I'd wake up alone, screaming in a
dark, cold alley way, begging for my mother to come rushing to my side to pet
my hair as she always did after a nightmare.
After much suffering and thought, I decided to kill myself.
It was over so many reasons. I was tired, cold and starving. I was sick in too
many ways to list. I wanted to be away from everyone who hurt me. I wanted to
feel no more pain. I wanted my brain to shut down. I wanted to see my parents
and apologize. I wanted to fly.
I went up to the bell tower and enjoyed the wind whisking through my hair for
the last time before I removed my foot off the platform and readied myself to
jump. I nearly pissed myself. I was terrified. But I told myself everything
would be right again once I earned my wings and saw my parents again.
That's when I was grabbed by two warm hands belonging to a boy and girl my age
who were previously stargazing on the rooftop. These people, in time, turned
out to be the kindest people I ever met. Up until that moment, everyone was so
nasty to me—and that was before I became the asshole I am today. When I was a
kid I was tormented by others my age and as a teenager I was abused by adults.
After my parents died I felt there was no one left in the world who would ever
care about me again, so naturally I wanted to be with my mother and father—but
these people showed me that life was actually worth living so long as you had
at least one person at your side. It was a valuable lesson and it saved my
life.
It wasn't like the stars aligned that night and every problem was fixed the
moment we met like some kind of fairy tale encounter—we were all still poor on
the streets, but one thing for me did change: I had people looking out for me
and I had people to protect—a task I felt I couldn't achieve after losing my
parents, but my guilt subsisted when I was able to help the only two people
left at my side that cared about me. It was a satisfying feeling—I had a lot of
feelings at the time. I was no longer as numb and empty as I was before.
Of course, these people weren't saviors; they weren't perfect. They had their
own methods of coping with it all. One of them relieved their ache through
self-harm; anything from cutting to burning her skin or purposely involving
herself in brawls. The other would vandalize constantly—like it was a
compulsion to slowly destroy the ugly world around him. As for myself, I began
drinking heavily. Funny how I say I began because usually that would imply
there was an end, but there wasn't ever an ending from the addiction, even to
this very day.
Well hell, looks like Eren was right. I am just an alcoholic skank who should
be ashamed of myself. I still didn't need to hear the obvious, though.
We did all this because we still had to lose our pride to get by, but afterward
we would comfort each other because we always felt shitty after meeting with a
customer. We never judged each other and we tried our best to cheer each other
up for what we were forced to go through to earn money.
We'd bundle up close to keep each other warm in the winter and drank and sang
the summers away. As we grew into adults, we became stronger and we finally
retired from prostitution and promoted ourselves. We started robbing the
perverted bastards blind. This was also around the time we started getting into
drug trafficking and after all those years of struggling we combined all our
earnings and managed to finally get a roof over our heads.
It took all our pride, dignity, a toll on our bodies and forever tainted our
soul to get that far, but we made it together. We were still standing and were
off the streets, living pretty damn decently compared to the latter if I say so
myself.
They were by my side for a decade. Always looking out for me and just like
that, they were gone from my life. I was alone again—like when I lost my
parents. I felt lost like I did when I was a child. The night I met them, they
talked me out of going to heaven but I still earned my two wings because they
kept me hovering above the ground.
Those wings have been plucked now and it takes all the effort I have not fall.
If I did, I wouldn't have them to rescue me this time.
                                      ~x~
After cooling off my temper by wandering around town, I somehow arrived at
Hanji's house. Unintentionally, I might add.
Even I'll admit I was pretty harsh on her earlier—she helped me out not only by
stitching me up after my moronic mistake, but she also shared everything she
knew about my friends. I was just so angry at Eren and couldn't say what I
really wanted to say to him (he'd likely not understand such language) so I
took it out on her.
I stood under her bedroom window, looking up at the dim glow coming from beyond
the glass; all I could see is the ceiling from this angle.
Underneath my feet there was traces of blood staining the concrete. My
blood—its gotta be. It's doubtfully common for people to line up at Hanji's
window and fall three stories and knock their head—although she did have nice
tits, so maybe it was common.
Then a rather helpful thought came through my head, one I was glad I had before
returning home and remembering later. It saved me a trip.
The reason I was able to met Hanji in the first place was because I was at her
bedroom window in my Maneuver Gear. Alas, my gear did not make it for the trip
back to my house. It must still be held up in there.
The thought of knocking on the front door and being greeted by a family member
had a big NO written all over it, so I settled for pinching a pebble off the
ground and throwing it up to the window.
". . . . . ."
I picked up a few more and piled them in my palm. I threw another. And another.
The window shutters whooshed open and a head popped out. I threw another.
"Hey! Who threw that?!" The pebble had bounced right off the lens of her
glasses.
"It was an accident." It was completely intentional to hit her with that pebble
but she doesn't need to know that.
She bent over the ledge and adjusted her glasses. A few blinks later she lit up
with an open smile.
"Levi! Hi! Did you come to my window for another gander at my chest~?" She
propped an elbow up on the ledge friskily as she winked down at me.
"I rather save the offer for when I can get a closer look—I'd need my gear for
that, though."
"Oh, right, right! I completely forgot! Meet me at the front door, I'll let you
in."
She shut the windows swiftly before I could say another word. She didn't seem
upset at me or anything, which was a relief because if she was, I'd probably
have to apologize and that wouldn't be a pleasant experience for all involved,
especially me—actually, only me.
I loped over to the front door and held myself up to the pillar holding up the
roof. Not long after I heard heavy stomps and the sound of the door unlatching.
"How's it going?" She greeted me as if we hadn't spoken a few seconds prior.
She was wrapped in a long yellow robe and I just noticed her hair was down,
dripping from the shower. Before I could answer the small talk, she perked up
and pulled me inside.
What the hell?
She looked at me strictly, closely, too close. Well, at least she was clean—I'm
assuming she just took her yearly shower. This was the only time I'd allow this
to happen until next year.
"Don't tell me—that you're going to the North District."
"...I was thinking about it. Why?" I wasn't actually considering it, but
remembering that the task was suppose to get done yesterday, I figured, why
not? The burden could have been lifted from me by now, but I'll make up for
yesterday's lost time tonight.
"Levi, please don't. Your head still isn't healed. Besides, it's too dangerous
for you to go alone. They're blood-thirsty dogs over there! What would happen
if you didn't return? What would happen to those kids?"
An annoyed spasm conquered the muscles of my face briefly, but I shook her off
and moved aside in favor of leaning against the wall. "You can't stop me. I
have to do this, I told you why last night."
She closed her lip tight, cornering her flaring eyes off me. "Fine then. I
guess you leave me with no choice. I'm coming with you." Hanji said casually
and then twirled around to face the stairs, droplets raining off her hair as
she did.
"—What?" I laughed, minus the smile and turned her back around with a pull of
her shoulder.
"I can't stop you so I can at least help you. Don't try to talk me out of it, I
already made up my mind and that means there's no turning back!"
"Then I'll leave before you get dressed."
She smirked.
I already knew why.
"Good luck getting around without your gear~"
This bitch is holding my Maneuver Gear hostage? Really? I thought she was
smarter than that—but fuck, she got me. Maybe it really was a clever tactic
because I was a fish without gills if I didn't have my gear in the side of
town.
"I'm not going to be your body guard and I don't need another death other my
head."
"Relax—I can hold my own. No need to protect me. Besides, I'm not going only
for you. I'd love to study the human behavior of such wild crime lords~" she
cupped her hands together like a maiden who found her prince. She really did
get off on this science-y shit, didn't she?
"You'll just slow me down. The point of the gear is to get around unnoticed and
flee from trouble. Not waltz with you down on the streets. That's just being
suicidal."
Her hip popped out and her hand rested on it. "Want to know what my father did
before he opened up this morgue?"
"I'm not interes—"
"I'll tell you!" Her face drew close again, I heaved back, my nose scrunching.
"He was in the Survey Corps." Her voice suddenly dipped into what I could only
describe as a seductive purr. "Oh Levi—it was wonderful. He would tell me all
about the Titans and—"
"What does this have to do with anything? You're wasting my time."
She gave a motherly scoff. "It means I have access to my fathers retired gear.
They got full tanks and they're screaming to stretch their legs again!"
I folded my arms. Why was I even having this conversation with her? In the end,
I'd just end up going alone anyway. "Okay. But do you know how to actually use
it?"
A smile was pasted on Hanji's lips as she waved her hand faintly, turning
toward the stairs. "Eh, I'll figure it out along the way. I'll be back in a
flash—let me get changed and strap up." She climbed the steps and called down
to me once she was out of my visual range. "Don't you go peeking on me, heh~"
This obnoxious woman is going to be the death of me.
I wasn't waiting for her. I was waiting to be handed my gear so I could get on
with my trip alone. I was left idling in her living room with nothing to do
other than awkwardly check out the place. After scanning over family heirlooms
and knick-knacks, I turned to face a large wall themed white and blue. The
display was made up of hundreds of Wings of Freedom patches—the crest of the
Survey Corps.
Under each piece of material was a strip with a name. I stepped closer to read
them. I must have read thirty of them by the time Hanji presented herself on
the stairs, resting over the banister.
"They all belonged to the men my father fought with who unfortunately weren't
lucky enough to join him in retirement. He held onto all their patches and made
this memorial to honor their memory."
I nodded to her and turned back around, re-reading a few of the peculiar names
again. "It's admirable he'd do something like this for his men." I couldn't
believe my thoughts were formed into words, but there was something to be
admired about those who honored their comrades memories.
"Anyway—here's your stuff." I finally regarded her properly. The 3D Maneuver
Gear that was attached to her hips weren't as pristine as mine—it looked like
an older model that went though a severe beating. But the condition still
looked well enough to run.
As she adjusted a few of her own straps, I buckled up mine. After everything
was in place and I was making my final adjustments, I spoke out slowly as I
glanced at the memorial. "After seeing all this—aren't you afraid to join the
Survey Corps? All these men and women would be alive right now if they didn't
sign up."
She did something I didn't anticipate. She smiled. "Of course I'm afraid. I'm
terrified. But I knew a lot of those soldiers and if people don't replace them,
their hard work will be in vain. I want to see humanity win—and of course I
plan to use the authority for going outside for my own pleasure, but above all
I just want to explore the mysteries beyond these walls. I want to help make
the place safe for everyone so one day, they too can explore."
"Can't say I agree with everything you said, but that's a good answer." I could
tell already her words were going to stick with me for the long run. There was
no need to store them away for future reference when they were already
imprinted in my mind.
"...Can I ask you something? A warning in advance, it might seem rude."
"Whether you're rude or not you still bother me, so shoot."
She laughed. This just came to me, but it was actually enjoyable to be around
someone who didn't get insulted by every word I spoke for a change. This dirty
woman is growing on me like a moldy fungus.
"I wanted to ask why you're so fixated on that wall—did you happen to know
someone in the Survey Corps? If it's personal, you don't have to tell me."
Unprepared for the question, I took several long moments to find an answer
because I didn't even know why I kept regarding the wall so much like it was a
damn magnet. "...I have a strange relationship with the Survey Corps. I keep
being told to join, but in all honesty I don't want to. I hold respect to those
who fight, but it's just not for me."
I didn't know why I was laying out my business and putting myself out in the
open for more personal questions, but something about this woman was just so
damn harmless, like a lost puppy that wanted attention. And when I say
harmless, I'm excluding the fact she's a psychotic scientist that got off on
monsters. Even so, I didn't hate her (which was saying a lot, I literally
couldn't stand anyone). It's not every day I meet someone I could endure being
present with. In addition to that, she mutually tolerate my personality as
well, so why not take advantage of this chance encounter?
"Someone recruited you? If you don't mind my asking, who?"
I flicked my gaze on her, giving an unintentional harsh stare. "Erwin Smith."
"The Commander? No way... That's an honor—he must see a lot of potential in
you. I'd go for it, if I were you."
I tsked and rolled my eyes away, but she wasn't finished. Hanji had more to
say. "...But when it comes down to it, it's not my choice. Or Erwin's.
It's yours."
A choice. I don't get many of those. Usually the only path given to me was
cruddy and difficult, but for once I had the choice to steer clear of that.
Yes. It is my choice. That's why I don't have to listen to Erwin or Eren
telling me what's the right thing to do. When I'm given the rare chance to
choose my own faith, I want to pick the one I will regret the least in the end.
That's why I refuse to become Titan food.
But sometimes, I can't help but wonder if my life is really better off staying
as it is.
Now was hardly the time to get into such trivial matters. I certainly am in a
mercurial mood tonight. I better stop while I'm ahead—this poorly constructed
state of mind will end up getting me killed tonight if it continues.
After giving my final respects to the wall for a while longer, I stepped at an
angle to Hanji. I could hardly believe what I was about to say.
"You ready?"
Thrilled, she granted me a thumbs-up.
Chapter End Notes
     The main reason I brought Hanji into the story earlier than I planned
     was because Levi really needed a buddy. His relationship with Erwin
     is complicated and Eren and Mikasa are just kids. He really needed
     someone close to his own age to help him loosen up a little and
     Hanji's perfect for that role. Even in canon he seems more playful
     with her than anyone else. What I'm trying to say: expect a lot of
     Hanji x Levi ~besties4life~ moments. :3
***** Surrender *****
Chapter Summary
     In the midst of seeking information, Levi has a raging encounter. Him
     and Hanji are then put in a tight spot, literally. After some
     bonding, they work together to escape.
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
The sun had long since set under the wall, but the brisk night was still young.
The level below harbored Wall Sina's residents roaming the streets, though in
few numbers. Late workers (or drunks) returning to their families and Military
Police making their rounds animated the pavement beneath. I loured the lower
levels, waiting for our chance to move unnoticed off the roof of Hanji's home.
"Can we go yet~?"
"I told you to be quiet."
"Yeah, and I was for ten whole minutes. But Levi, we're going to end up staying
here all night if we don't get going soon."
Waiting for a clear path was necessary, not a mere gratuitous constitute of
paranoia. We needed a route where no one would notice our travelings on our
Maneuver Gear and the activity below told me it was much too early to be moving
around freely without care. If the Military Police were to pursuit us, it would
be tricky to lose them, especially with this amateur tagging along with me.
Therefore, extra precaution must be taken. Other times when I was daring enough
to use my gear, I would use it at the dead of night to avoid this current
problem, but after setting my mind on going to the North District after my
first failed attempt, there was no way I'd patiently stare at the clock until a
later time.
"Look! There's no one around!" Hanji presented the entire city with expanding
arms to back up her claim.
"Look up the road." I was referring to the two vaguely outlined figures walking
in the distance.
She coiled her neck with a raring groan, like she was an impatient child
waiting for the oven timer to ding so she could indulge in homemade sweets.
With a quick adjustment of her glasses, she huffed. "Well, have fun sitting up
here all night—we'll meet up at the entrance!"
My head whirled at the blur dashing past. "Hanji—wait!" With her legs moving
too fast to be halted with words, she leaped off the roof.
My heart stalled in a beat and only started pumping again when a line fired out
of her gear and secured onto the building across the street. With an echoing
"Yahoo~!" she cruised into the distance. I grid my teeth and reluctantly drew
my wire, belatedly matching the same fuming pattern as her as we swung above
the streets.
Hanji was either an extremely dumb person who got lucky, or she was an
exceptionally fast learner and more physically inclined than she appears.
Maneuver Gear is not a tool to use lightly; one wrong move and you'll fall to
your death. But the way Hanji sailed with exact precision made me believe I was
witnessing a professionally trained soldier. Though, it should be noted that
she handled the gear negligently; the gawky way she navigated from point-to-
point was anything but smooth and better to be described as a bumpy ride than
anything. In spite of this, Hanji remained safe during the rocky pace and
thanks to keeping with her speed, we both arrived on the other side of town
rather quickly.
Fretfulness pressed against me, for I was too busy keeping an eye out for
Hanji— watching her every move to ensure her safety—that I completely abandoned
my duty of observing my surroundings. When we landed on a roof for a breather,
I skimmed the area.
Completely desolate. Perhaps no one saw us or bothered chasing after us. We
were near the decrepit gate of the North District now—it was directly in my
sight. If someone did spot us, they likely stopped pursuing once coming within
a few meters of this place. No sane person is absurd enough to come near this
area—with the exception of Hanji and myself. Even if I was idiotic for coming
here, it's a personal accomplishment to finally make it this far after holding
it off for so long.
Hanji sagged herself against a chimney, arms folded as she hooked me with a
glare after she removed her sight from the gate. "I won't lie, I'm nervous
about going in there with you."
"Then don't. Go home." I miffed. "With the way you control your gear, you
shouldn't have much trouble getting back by yourself. This is my problem, so
I'd prefer if you left it up to me."
Her shoulders stiffened belligerently. "No, you misunderstood. I'm not saying I
don't want to go because I'm scared of the derelicts in there—I'm afraid of
what's going to happen to you."
I regarded her face-on with a sinking brow. "...What are you implying?"
Her lips pressed together as she looked up at the stars above us, that were
barely visible due to the fog dwelling in the air. "What do you plan on doing
when you see this Maverick character, hmm?"
"I'm going to kill him." I didn't skip a beat.
"Exactly!" She flailed her arms. "Then what? You'll either die trying or end up
in jail. I don't want to see that happen."
"Tch." I rolled my eyes off her. I wasn't an optimistic person to begin with,
but hearing that come out of her mouth left me nearly discouraged. "Then you
shouldn't have come. Don't try to dissuade me—you knew what you were getting
into. Besides, why do you care what happens to me? You barely know me."
She shoved herself off the brick and approached me with a face that suggested
that she believed I'm being the unreasonable one here. "We're friends now. And
I care about what happens to my friends."
A dry chortle vibrated in my throat. Let's humor her. "Oho, I see. Would you
rather make friendship bracelets together and talk about boys?"
"Yes! I would!" Those thin brows drooped along with her chin, her fingers
piddling together. "At least you'd be safe..."
I walked past her, her gaze following me as I reached the ledge. I stared down
at the tip of my boots hovering off the edge and tried to measure the fatal
height between myself and the pavement below. The blistering wind riled up my
hair and stung my nose, which was currently whiffing the rotten stench of this
side out town.
"If you consider me a friend and you don't want to see me get hurt, then you
should know I have to do this. My friends got killed because I didn't protect
them, even after all the times they saved my life. It's the least I can do."
I didn't look back at Hanji, but I heard feet pattering up close behind until I
felt her chest pressed up against my back. Her consoling hands cupped my
shoulders and I didn't brush her grimy fingers off me this time.
"I'm sorry, I didn't think of it like that." There was a long stall before she
spoke again, but it was anything but silent; both our minds were clamoring. "I
didn't know your friends while they were alive, but I know they cared about
you—and that's why I'm hereby applying as a substitute to protect you in their
absence. I'll make sure you get your objective finished without any
consequences."
I tried to blink the disbelief out of my eyes. I bet they...appreciate her
saying that.
If they were alive, they definitively would have liked Hanji. Hell, me
simply tolerating her meant they would have loved her. A gravitational tug
lifted my cheeks; the area around my eyes reposed. What an unusual feeling.
But the warm sensation invading me dispensed when two budging eyes crawled into
my peripheral vision. "Whoa—did you just smile?"
"No." Pokerfaced, the denial fired out like a missile.
"Yes. You. Did!"
I scowled. And to think I almost accepted this shitty-glasses as a part of my
crew. Thinking of what she said before, she was hardly in a position to predict
the future and be so sure about the outcome, but I wouldn't argue with those
words because they gave me the motivational boost I needed to take a steep step
forward.
"Ah—Levi! Wait for me~!"
With the wire hooked, I swooped down; the heels of my boots scraping the cobble
stones as I turned a sharp right and flew over the rusted gates.
                                      ~x~
Here we are at the first stop of our tour. If you look to your left, you'll see
the ruins of what once was a large boarding complex. We didn't have time to
admire the fascinating architecture of the crumbling, moldy building because
sightseeing would hold us outside, and what must be avoided at all cost was
remaining on the ground floor too long.
With no need for mannerisms, I kicked the weathered door open after deciding
against touching the disease ridden knob; the door nearly fell off the hinge
from the impact of my boot.
Hanji was hovering close to my back as we crept inside; she was close enough
that I could feel her rancid breath down my neck. I couldn't tell if she was
terrified by the interiors long, dark corridor ahead of us or if she was
hyperventilating from that creepy anticipation she often displayed. I was
disinclined to turn around and find out which each either was currently the
case.
I never filled Hanji in on why we were in this place in particular, mainly
because I found little need to explain myself, but currently we were in a
building infamous for housing junkies.
We entered what once was a living room that seen better days; now the room was
just the empty shell of what it once was. The place looked to have underwent a
massive fire at one point, and you couldn't take one step without your foot
landing in rat shit or glass syringes. Silently warning Hanji with a point of
my finger of the holes in the flooring, we mazed passed them safely and entered
a dinning room where a worn wooden table sat with a stained mattress on top of
it.
I paid no mind to the knocked-out junkies sprawled out on the grungy tiles with
needles hanging out of their arms because the first sight I caught was the body
nestled on the bed. Nearly drowning in his own drool was my ex-crew member who
now self-promoted himself to a washed up information broker.
"Oi." I kicked one of the legs of the table—it shimmered and I half expected
the thing to crumble, but the quake only managed to shake the sleeping man out
of a dream, but not out of his slumber.
"Oi." I said once more, the sharper tone drumming into his ear—but to no avail.
I snuffed the toxic perfume floating in the air; letting the stench loiter in
my lungs before picking up a nearby beer bottle. The remaining warm liquid
forgotten in the bottle was poured over the man's face.
He hissed like a drowning cat; tossing his head side to side before wiping his
face with both palms. His crusty eyes squinted on me.
"...Levi?" He blinked, then snorted. "Nah. Can't be—I must be tripping still.
I'm seeing little fucking leprechauns and shit."
I smashed the bottle over his head.
Gasping, he vigorously ruffled his blood-stained hair. "What the fuck was that
for?" He muttered curses under his breath as he picked the glass out of his
scalp.
"I need your help."
"And this is your hello? Pft, nice to see you haven't changed."
"Can't say the same for you—you look shittier than you did before." It was a
disappointment, really, because I immediately wondered if he was in any
condition to help me now; he didn't look as reliable as he used to. I refuse to
make this trip a waste, though. Even if he can't help me, I'll find another way
to track that prick down.
He propped up, giving a smirk with his arms held open welcomely. "Well, I'm
officially open for business. What can I do for ya'?"
"I need to know Maverick's whereabouts."
His brows perked up along with the corners of his lips. That cue alone cleared
any uncertainties; he knew exactly where he was. "And I need a little pick-me-
up to get my memory going."
You don't go looking for information empty handed, but that's exactly what I
did. I came unprepared. "Tell me what you want and I'll get it."
"I want the good stuff."
I hummed questionably. "Define 'good stuff'."
"Come on, you know. Everyone knows, hell, everyone is on it."
"Excuse me for being late on junkie trends. Fill me in."
"Titanium."
"...What the hell is that?"
He glared at me speculatively. "Come on—you really don't know?"
"No." I wasn't an addict anymore, that phase has long since passed. I only sold
the basic shit—not recently, but when traffic was busy. If something new and
exciting was on the market, it's no wonder my sales plummeted. "Where can I
find it?"
"Check the underground city." He sniffed. "There's a few dealers down there.
The shits expensive, just giving you a heads up."
I clicked my tongue. Not only was it troublesome to track down a drug, but I
had next to no money on me due to handing a good portion of it to that kid back
in the alley. Looks like it's time to improvise.
"Got it—Hanji, let's go."
Just as she was rising from poking at an unconscious (or dead) man in
amazement, I walked past her. With a wide skyward stretch, she caught up to my
pace. "Where we headed to next?"
"Didn't you hear him? We need to score some of this Titanium shit." She must
have not been paying attention to the exchange—too busy observing and taking
notes on the natural habitat of junkies, probably.
Upon exiting the dingy den, we took refuge on the roof and planted ourselves
there for a while to give us time to cogitate without any dirtbags meddling in
our affairs.
"Do you have any money on you?" I perched down as I asked. Hanji perked up and
pointed to the middle of her chest, as if there were others up here that I
could be referring to. I nodded in verification.
"No...I left all my money home. I didn't think I'd need it."
"What a bother."
"We can always head back quick and—"
"No. That will take too long." I stood, readying my trigger. "We'll figure
something out once we reach the underground."
"...You aren't going to do anything illegal, right?"
I drew my line and sailed away and I didn't speak another word until we arrived
in the underground. Hanji and I made our way through the bustling late-
activity. Refugees from the Shiganshina District and criminals idled every
corner; their pale, sickly faces zooming in on us as we loped. Judging by how
occupied the streets were had me wondering if the rats down here even knew what
time it was. Due to the fact that this pit is virgin to the sky, the importance
of time likely holds little meaning down here.
Presence around us became scarce and we soon found ourselves at a dead end with
only ourselves as each others company. Unlike the lit up markets and stands,
this side of the city looked to have retired for the evening. Hanji followed my
lead as I hooked up to the roof and unbuckled my straps; kneeling to prop up
the load from my hips down on the shingles.
"This seems like a pretty quiet area—we'll leave our gear up here and come back
for it later."
We set our gear besides each other and climbed down a ladder onto the ground
floor. While above ground, it was easy to forget just how utterly dark this
perdition city could get, especially in inactive areas like this where all
source of artificial lighting was off. If it wasn't for a few crystals glowing
dimly above, I wouldn't be able to see my hand in front of me.
Removing my gaze from the mineral ceiling, I swallowed thickly and ran a finger
beneath my collar. "Let's make this quick. I would hate to prolong my stay here
longer than it needs to be." I said as I painted the floor with my gaze.
"Whatcha lookin' for, Levi?"
"...Something heavy."
Hanji just boggled at me quietly and I bent to pick up a nearby brick. This
should work.
Juggling the block between my hands, I trotted over to a large glass window
belonging to a crooked pawn shop. Coltishly, I tossed the brick into my hand a
final time before cracking it over the glass. The crevices dispersed out like a
spider web and finally shattered.
"DID YOU SERIOUSLY JUST—!"
Ignoring Hanji's astonishment, I swiftly mounted the window ledge and swiveled
to the other side; the shards of glass crunched under my boots as I landed
inside.
"Levi! What the hell? Give a little warning next time!" She screamed in a
whisper, but it was highly unnecessary to keep her voice down. For one, she
already shouted loud enough to attract anyone within a mile radius before, but
given the fact this area was practically closed down for the evening, there
wasn't any need to worry so long as we were quick.
In all honestly, I just wasn't used to explaining every action I displayed, so
confusing Hanji wasn't apart of my plan, but nonetheless still amusing.
Breezing past the aisles of the shop, I hoped over the counter and dove into
the register. Grabbing all what my hands could carry, I leisurely returned to
Hanji, who was frozen in a daze.
"Did you just—?!"
"—rob a shop? Yeah." I shrugged it off and fanned the wad for display. "Think
this is enough?"
"I think that's enough to buy the kings crown..."
"Perfect." I walked, she followed clumsily. Due to Hanji's jaw stuck on the
ground, I previously thought the silence wouldn't be shattered, but it was
broken by a sonic blast.
"AHHHH! You just made me your accomplice!" She nearly ripped her hair out of
her scalp, then aided the self-inflicted injury my rubbing profusely at her
head in frustration. "How am I going to join the Survey Corps if I get
arrested?! Huh? HUH? All my dreams are destroyed!".
A dry, derisive glare was fired. "They're desperate. They would take
in anyone who's dumb enough to join."
"That's besides the point!"
That's exactly the point.
After stuffing the cash in my pocket, I turned to her at an angle. "You knew
what you were getting into. If you want to leave, by all means be my guest."
Her head dangled low as a bead of nerves ascended down her cheek. "I promised
to keep an eye on you and I don't break promises."
I waved my head away, my mouth groaning in annoyance as I continued walking.
"Then shut up already—Geez, this sentimental garbage you keep force-feeding me
is making me want to gag."
One side of her lip perked up as she leaned beside me in a matching stride.
"You're a classy man, Levi."
"Don't I know it."
Our path was lit more with every step as we tracked back to the active city
square that never slept. Wordlessly, Hanji and I kept our eyes peeled—knowing
exactly what we were scouting for.
"That guy over there looks shady. Maybe he knows where to get some."
I stared at the man Hanji pointed at but quickly searched elsewhere. "Not
twitchy enough, he's likely just homeless. The traits you should be looking out
for is along the lines of paranoia."
Finding a dealer shouldn't be hard enough down here—this is where a lot of drug
transactions took place. But looking for a dealer that held a specific brand in
this mess of shitty derelicts would be a little tougher to track down, but not
impossible.
"Maybe we should split up." Hanji, rather hopelessly, looked down at me with an
optimistic shrug.
"Weren't you the one calling me suicidal for wanting to go to the North
District alone? This area might not be as dangerous, but you're still a woman
with no means of protecting yourself around a bunch of rotten thugs."
My eyes rounded. I erected tensely. This woman had just smacked me repeatedly
in the middle of my back as she laughed confidently.
"Don't be sexist—being a woman has nothing to do with it! I can handle myself.
Besides, I'm no stranger to this side of town. I'm an unauthorized scientist,
where do you think I get all my supplies?"
"I'll shove those fancy supplies of yours up your ass if you ever touch me like
that again."
"You're the grumpiest man I ever met, you know."
I didn't like the idea of splitting up one bit; in fact it left an unsettling
feeling in my gut, but it would be wisest to cover more ground and get this
over with so we could get out of here quicker. Plus, she did say she was
familiar with the area.
"Fuck it, lets do it. Take my knife with you as a precaution." I held the blade
and offered her the handle.
"No need. I have my own way of protecting myself." My brow spiked as she bent
down and rolled up her pant sleeve. Recovering with a snap, she presented a
tiny vile from her boot with a spray cap attached.
Did she not hear of the marvelous invention called pockets yet?
"...What is that? Mace? That won't stop a group of whackjobs for long."
"It's not mace. It's a chemical similar to acid—I created the mixture myself."
"...What." I repeated her words internally and shook my head. "Wait. Why do you
carry acid around with you?"
"For protection—this is just a little more deleterious than mace so I prefer
it."
I scrunched my bottom lip up, nodding in approval. "Not bad, Hanji. Not bad."
Pleased with my praise, her cheeks rose high with a big smirk. Putting her
hands behind her, she swung playfully back and forth with a wink. "Told ya'. I
have more tricks up my sleeves than you think."
I sighed in response and searched for a landmark. "I'll meet you at that bar
across the street in twenty minutes. If you find a seller, bring him back there
and we'll make the exchange there."
"You got it! I bet I can find one before you can—wanna bet on it?" She balled
her fist in excitement, her eyes glossing playfully.
Did she really just make a contest out of finding a drug dealer? I don't think
I'll ever understand her idea of fun. "Just get to work, shitty-glasses."
"Who died and made you captain—hey, don't you walk away when I'm still
speaking!"
She's more trouble than she's worth, but overall she isn't terrible company to
have—but now was hardly the time to profile that crazy woman back there.
Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I set my pace and eyeballed every face that I
passed. The towering figures all became a blur after a while and when fifteen
minutes passed with no luck, I needed a break from the swirling film coating my
dizzy vision.
I pressed my back against the railing of a stoop and focused on my breathing.
Fuck—I sure do hate coming down here. The air is tight. Under these stuffy
conditions, it's nearly impossible to breath or let sweat escape your pores. I
pulled roughly on my smothering collar once more, this time, a few buttons
popped off.
"Shit." My foot, that was previously propped up on the rail gave me the push I
needed to head forward. I bent down to pick one of the buttons up, telling
myself I'd repair the shirt later—for now, I'd have to settle for half my chest
sticking out, but at least I was able to breath a little better.
Searching for the last one that rolled away from me, I somehow ended up flowing
right into a conversation nearby between two bums, one I wasn't very interested
in until I caught onto an important snip of it.
"He's winning pretty big at poker down at the bar, I hear. But I expect nothing
less from the North's leader!"
I blinked once or twice in review, then ruptured back into the street with a
heavy stomp. As if I wasn't boiling enough from being trapped in this pit of
hell, I became scorched when I tracked through the streets, pushing every
peasant out of my way as I did. My brows sunk into my redden vision and my
teeth clenched so tightly that my gums pulsated, sending that throb throughout
my entire body and into my balled fists swaying beside my hips.
There was no doubt that he was here. Right now—sharing this filthy cave with
me. No wonder the air smelled so foul; I should have detected it was his
disgusting scent from the start.
"Ah, there you are, Levi! Over here!" Hanji called with a wave. "I found a
guy—he wouldn't tell me his name so I named him Tim, hehe! ...Um—Levi?"
I stampeded between Hanji and the dealer and thrusted the double doors of the
bar open.
My body cut through the thick tobacco smoke filling the room as I thrashed
forward; I accelerated my gait, but time around me entered a slow interval,
like I was struggling with all my might through quicksand.
A fan made up of cards was spread-out under a wicked smirk, which was matched
by the pair of eyes side-glancing me.
Maverick was sitting mere feet from me; exposed and free from any barrier. He
saw me and I saw him. Unlike me, he wasn't moving a muscle. My boots lumbered
heavily on the wooden boards. My fist balled until my knuckles turned white.
Those eyes on me did no more than blink when I stirred up the slow current of
the bars atmosphere by lunging forward, my dagger swiftly drawn with an iron
grip.
Poker chips and cards rained down along with this crooked bastards dead weight
that now resided underneath me—his Adam's apple centimeters from my thirsty
blade. As he held back my wrist, his smile never faded, which charged my
strength further.
My eyes protruded; my body stimulated from being so close to my peek. A blood
vessel popped from how much force I was putting into my dagger; my veins filled
with the lust for his split blood.
But his strength equaled mine. It was a stalemate.
Due to the uproar around us, I barely made out what was said when those
smirking lips started to moved, but they rounded every syllable smoothly enough
to be read. "Hello, Levi. Nice to see you."
Clenching my teeth; beads of sweat dripped from my forehead. Memories
resurfaced. I saw my friends. I saw my dark days as a member of his crew. I saw
my parents. I saw so many things in this stalled second. I wasn't even
breathing at this point. All the strength I could muster was charged into my
arm.
I'll kill him.
I'm going to kill him right here.
But something horrible happened before I could. I was seized from my target.
Restrained, I writhed between the two larger man holding me. It was safe to
assume these were Maverick's bodyguards. In an attempt to free myself, I
kicked, spit and cursed. It did nothing. I now knew how it felt to be a chained
up beast only inches away from its natural prey. The chase was over, but my
deranged hunger has yet to be quelled.
How fucking tantalizing.
I desired nothing but the sight of his blood and the light dimming from his
eyes. My wish is in reach and yet—
Maverick picked himself off the floor, brushing himself off casually. He
daringly came in close to me and my eyes dilated at the pleasurable thought of
him no longer breathing.
"Ah—I see now." He backed up and stuffed his hands in his pockets with an
understanding nod, as if he figure out the entire situation. "You must have
tried that new Titanium shit. Makes you nuts, doesn't it? First time I tried
it, I strangled a barmaid," he trailed off in detail, laughing hysterically,
then turned a smile on me, one so vile it made my intestines twist. "All in
good fun, though."
"I'm not on anything." I spat a thick accumulation down to his shoes. My
returning stare was a pinch shy of pure insanity. "Trust me, I want to be sober
right now. I want to remember killing you."
"Not on anything? See, now there's your problem!" My taut jaw was seized; his
nails digging into my fevered flesh. A pill pinched between his fingers came
into view. I winced and hissed as he forced it passed my lips.
When he slipped his finger back out, it was dripping in blood.
"Hmph. You always were a bitter." Repulsed by the sight of him sucking his own
blood off, savoring his own flavor like the egotistical bastard he is, I spit
the pill out along with his filthy fluid staining my taste buds.
This isn't going anywhere. I need these goons off me. He's right there. I just
need to break free. Then I can end this. I don't even care if I get shot down
by his men afterward. It'll be a pleasure, I'll finish him off in Hell.
Maverick snapped his fingers and before I could react to the signal, my vision
went black.
                                      ~x~
"Hmm~mm~hmmm~"
". . . . . ."
My lids, weighing heavy, fluttered open. My temple throbbed against a hard
surface and my vision spun. A joyous hum filled the stuffy air.
"Finally! You're awake! I was getting so bored."
Blinded by blur, I matched the voice to a face that was displayed in my minds
eye.
"Hanji..." I groggily spoke, then smacked my palm against the wall to push my
body up properly. "Where—?"
"A closet, I think."
My vision sharpened on her. She was sitting a few inches across from me, her
hands placed on her knees. I nursed my head and squeezed my eyes closed.
"How'd...this happen?"
I had yet to collect the memories that ended me up in this predicament. My mind
couldn't come up with a single thought; too preoccupied on the pain rushing
through it instead.
She tapped a finger on her lips, looking up at the low ceiling in recall. "I
knew something was up when I saw you outside the bar so after I filled myself
in on the situation I came in after you. Once I got passed all the commotion,
you were knocked out on the floor. I stepped in to help you and I don't
remember anything after that." She smiled and scratched the back of her head,
but flinched with a hiss on contact. "Eek...That hurts..."
I groaned in disgust, my lip curling. "Bastards. How dare them hit a woman."
"What's with you and throwing gender into everything? First you're saying I
can't protect myself, now you're disregarding the fact that you were hit a hell
of a lot worse than me just because I'm a woman."
"I'm not trying to offend you. My friend was half your size and she was capable
of kicking my ass. It just pisses me off."
Pulling her legs in close, she smiled shyly against her knees in a way that
triggered a grimace from me. This wasn't the time or place to smile, but
nonetheless the soft curve in her lips remained. She spoke low, and if we
weren't cramped so close together I wouldn't have picked up a word of it. "I'm
not offended at all, really. Maybe this is a good time to tell you thank you.
It's flattering; not many people call me a woman—it's nice to hear."
I scratched my sore head. Did I just black out and miss half of the
conversation? "What the fuck are you talking about? Sure you're a bit manly
sometimes, but why wouldn't I call you a woman?"
The seconds stretched on as she stared at me. "Oh wow. So you don't even know?
You're dense. Very dense, Levi."
"Excuse me? Fuck off, shitty-glasses." I folded my arms with a pout. What a
bitch. Just who does she think she is? I got knocked over the head not long ago
(or hours ago, it was impossible to tell). Couldn't she consider I might not be
as sharp with her vague undertones right now? What's she on about, anyways?
When did I say anything to flatter her?
I thought in silence. The curiously biting at me—then reality finally took a
big chunk out of me. My eyes rounded in realization. The curve ball she threw
at me went past me, but made a quick 360 and hit me in the back of the head.
"Holy shit you're a man." I couldn't even attempt the effort of making it sound
like a question. The answer was right before me: Hanji, a woman who I just now
realized looked suspiciously handsome.
"Was a man, thank you very much." She whooshed a pointed finger in the air
prissily. "At least you finally figured it out. I was beginning to think the
only way you'd catch on was if I whipped it out for you."
The first thing I noted when I met her was obviously her tits and after that,
her glasses and greasy long hair—my mind (with little effort) came to the
conclusion that she was biologically female. I had the tendency of not paying
much attention to people, often enough I would forget what people looked like
soon after I met them, so I'd just pick up a few obvious features to
differentiate them from others.
Erwin: tall and blond. Eren: Big head and amazing-fucking-eyes. Hanji, nice
tits and glasses. Memorizing one or two details about a person was enough for
me to recognize them, so speculation normally ended there and I'd dispose any
other unnecessary detail of a persons appearance. But now, I was seeing past
the glasses and at Hanji as a whole.
In general, she did pass as a woman rather well—even now I remain convinced
with the facts exposed. It could be due to her excitable personality and
chipper way she carried herself. Though, I could detect a faint hint of
masculinity, but the last thing I'm saying is that that's a giveaway on its
own, because it wasn't. Some woman have sharper features that compliment their
soft face and that's exactly how it came off on Hanji—except her face wasn't so
much as soft, but slimy. I know she just took a shower, but she needed another
one. She's like a fucking dirt magnet. Filthy wench.
I lost my train of thought—what were we talking about? Oh. Right. Hanji is a
man.
My surroundings swirled, stirring up a mess of my stability. This confusing and
completely unnecessary confession begged for a quick recall to see if my sanity
is still in check because I was becoming quite fucking doubtful.
First, that big headed brat degrades me in my own home after he found out about
my relationship with the commander. Then I met up with this four-eyed freak and
ended up here, sitting in a filthy closet after I failed to kill my target, who
was right fucking in front of me, I might add. Now, just to add another
fattening lard to the pot, this madwoman is actually a madman.
That about covers my eventful night. Too bad that hit over the head didn't kill
me. It would have been nice to get away from all this bullshit.
Squeezing the bridge of my nose, I groaned. I can give a shit less what a
persons gender is, but with my anxiety spiking as it is, it only added another
dumbbell to the weights I was already carrying. This was no time for a fucking
mindbogglingly confession.
But then, a single—very important—question shined in my mind; one that needed
to be addressed.
"Hold on. If you're a man...then why do you have—"
"—Tits? There's surgery for that, you know. I also take hormonal supplements,
that does the rest of the work." Much to my dismay, she spoke the following in
a baby voice. There was no escape from the torture. "D'aw It's so cute how
naive wittle Wevi is~! Am I the first twanny you ever met?" She went to pinch
my cheeks but I swat her hand. She chuckled, ignoring my hateful glare.
"...I knew your tits were too perfect. Fucking liar, telling me you grew them
yourself."
Offended, she gasped. "I did! These are real cell tissues from my DNA that I
grew myself and had put in by a surgeon. It's a new revolutionizing technology!
They're naturally mine one way or the other!" She cupped her breasts
protectively.
"So they're not silicone?" I stared quizzically at her tits. "I don't believe
you. I never heard of the method your talking about before."
"Feel them for yourself then!" A soft cushion lessened the swift impact when my
hands were tugged into her chest.
"...Oh. They feel real." A gave a squeeze, just to be completely sure.
"Told ya'! That's one of the wonderful benefits of being a scientist."
"Making artificial boobies?"
"Yes."
I leaned back to the wall and rubbed the pickling hair above my neck. What a
fucking night. I'll remember this one for a while. "I had no idea. You fooled
me."
"Well I'm not trying to fool anyone. I just always felt like I was born in the
wrong body, so I'm trying to fix it, is all."
"Makes sense to me."
Those normally smiling lips fell into a downward curve. The sudden facial
change made sense when she went on to tell me she wished it was that easy to
convince her father. He doesn't get it, the whole body transformation thing.
It's a simple concept, if you ask me, but you can't teach an old dog new
tricks. He still calls her his son and still uses male exclusive pronouns—and
it's not a slip from habit: he refuses to except her as his daughter, even
though she's only one step away from a full transformation.
At least he didn't disown her or end up hating her—while on the streets, I met
lots of different types of people, some who were thrown out from their houses
simply because their parents didn't accept their orientation. I imagine parents
do the same if they don't agree with their child undergoing a sex change.
Regardless of the fact that Hanji wasn't disowned, she was still far from
fortunate. Her own blood refusing to see her for who she is is just as damaging
to their relationship. She tried to hide it, but I would tell it really hurt
her.
"What's the big deal. You're a female who was born in the wrong body and you're
fixing the mistake. I guess some people can't understand how hard it is to live
in a body that differentiates from yourself."
Hugging her knees, she peeked up at me. "Are you talking from experience?" she
didn't let me reply. "Because you seem pretty mean on the outside, but you're
actually very sweet on the inside."
"Fuck off."
"Don't you contradict me, mister!"
What's with people making false allegations about me? First that little
shithead, then the big shithead, how four-eyed shithead. These illiterates are
misreading me. The truth is, I'm not a good person. I haven't been for a very
long time.
Any act of kindness is for selfish purposes. I took the kids in because it made
me remember my past. In a way, I felt like it was rewriting my troubles by
deleting the hardship in someone else's life. I always make everything about
myself. I'm selfish. I can't do something for the pure benefit of others. It
has to reflect a personal aspect of myself or reward a part of my fucked up
mental state in order to go through with it.
I returned to the conversation, trying to escape my thoughts. "Bet you'll say
something about my height next."
"What about it?"
Looking her dead in the eye, I dipped my head dubiously. Don't you dare play
that dumb act with me.
"What can I say? You have an energy around you that makes others shrink in
comparison! Is that what you want me to say?"
"Clever, but I give you the low score of 2 out of 10. It was a good effort, but
that doesn't conceal an obvious flaw."
Even though I didn't think it was a compliment, I secretly took it as one.
Usually every asshole with a mouth and an obligation to release every opinion
had a comment about my height, but she described me as something no one has
before, even if it was metaphorically speaking.
I shouldn't have expected less from her—someone like her takes in a persons
energy before their appearance. It was a crazy thought that might end up
leading to my death, but I might actually learn something from her if she stuck
with me long enough.
"You're a good woman, Hanji. Don't let your father or anyone else tell you
other wise."
"Psst, Levi."
"...What."
"Your sensitive side is showing~"
"I only said it because you won't shut up about it otherwise. We have more
important things to worry about right now, like getting the fuck out of here."
My legs were numb from sitting so long but I stood up anyways and pet along the
confining walls. If I expanded both of my arms, I could reach both sides of the
closet, that's how small the space was. I couldn't help but to feel that the
area just got smaller. Maybe it was because I was standing and now the ceiling
became suffocatingly close, like the distance between a corpse and a casket
lid.
I tried the knob in desperation, jiggling it like that would unlock it somehow.
I settled for trying to bash the door down, but there wasn't enough room to get
any power into my kick.
I started swearing. The sweltering heat invading me like a hot sauna. The
cramped walls hitting me every time I moved a centimeter. The stuffy air
teasing my lungs. All these conditions told me I needed to get out right now.
"Hanji, stop breathing. You're making it hot in here." I went to loosen my
collar, but my chest was already half exposed from earlier when I nearly ripped
the shirt apart. Why did I feel so strangled, then? "Fuck, is there a vent in
here connecting to the boiling room or something? There has to be, it's so
fucking hot."
I felt like I was being cooked alive or that I was trapped in a burning
building with no way to breath through the ashy smoke. At this rate, I'm going
to asphyxiate.
"Would you settle down? You're hot because you've been kicking that door and
randomly freaking out for the past ten minutes!"
"It's better than sitting on my ass like you. We need to get the fuck out of
here." My words jumbled together and the next time I looked at Hanji, she
looked just as horrified as me.
"Levi...I think you should sit back down."
"What if they never open the door." I ignored her, my own fear taking over as I
punched the door. Why the fuck are we in here to begin with? Is this time-out
or something? Maverick always had a sick idea of fun. Degradation is his
specialty.
"Then we'll break out, once you calm down. We won't be going anywhere if we
don't put our heads on straight."
"I am calm. I am always fucking calm."
Attempting to light the mood, Hanji joked, but it had too much truthfulness to
it to be funny. "Heh...Heh...D-Don't tell me you're claustrophobic..."
I swallowed hard.
"Eh?" She slapped her knee and stood at an angle to accommodate her size in the
low room. "Oh you have to be kidding me! I was just joking and you're
serious?!"
"Sit your big-ass body back down, you're making it worse."
"God damnit Levi. Way to make the situation worse." She complied and sat with a
heavy inhale that likely took the rest of the oxygen out of the room. Great,
now we're going to die thanks to this bitch sucking up all the air.
"How am I making it worse? If anyone is suffering here, it's me." She seems to
be enjoying it in here just fine, like it's a social party or something.
My attempt at pacing (which was just taking a tiny step forward and back
repeatedly) halted. My bottom lip dropped. I whipped my head to Hanji, feeling
no shame in my current state. "I just remembered. I'm within the walls.
Underground. In a closet—I'm in Hell. I'm in Hell, Hanji." I didn't even care
at this point, I couldn't put a lid on my thoughts. I was actually scared.
That's an unfamiliar emotion for me, one even more foreign than happiness.
My hand was grabbed and gently yanked. "Sit, Levi. Please. I have a plan."
It's about time she put those brains to use. Returning to my spot, she ordered
me to close my eyes. "Idiot. How will that help us?"
"Do what I say!" As if she already knew I wouldn't listen, she placed her
sweaty palms over my sockets.
"I need you to relax. I can't think of a plan if you're pacing around like a
madman. Now listen carefully, Levi. Take a big breath through the nose and
exhale through the mouth." She demonstrated the breathing pattern, taking even
more air for herself. "Steady. In and out, in and out."
"Feeling like I'm going into labor isn't going to fix shit."
She tried to keep a smoothing voice, like a damn yoga instructor or something.
"Then imagine you're in a big open field."
"I'm not. I'm in a fucking closet."
"Use your imagination!"
"I'm too sober to believe in such bullshit."
"You're so difficult!" She threw up her hands surrender and then used them to
muffle herself. "Man, you have it bad, don't you?"
"...I usually can deal with the phobia—well, better than I did when I was a kid
at least."
Up until I was about seven years old, I was a real problem child due to my
phobia. I would randomly freak out every time I was reminded that I was
surrounded my these walls skirting around the last civilization known to man. I
tried to explain this to Hanji, but she countered me with: "But there's plenty
of room within the walls to move freely. Why would you feel confined?"
"Because we are confined. We aren't free in here." Unfortunately, I realized
this at a young age and it really messed me up. Being a child, I had the
attention span of a beetle so I would often go about my day, forgetting about
the walls existence. It's not so much the close confinements that make up the
phobia—not at all, really. The feeling of being trapped in general
just—bothered me. It still bothers me. The only difference was that I was
maturer now and being an adult meant having the power to ignore the obvious.
"How did you get over it? Well, obviously you haven't, but regarding the walls,
I mean."
I played with a loose thread of my shirt and shrugged. "I just learned to live
with it. Not much else I can do. I'm stuck within these smelly walls forever
whether I like it or not."
An eternity later, Hanji spoke lowly. "You can be free and leave the walls, you
know. You don't ever have to feel entirely stuck here. All you'd have to do is
sign up for the Survey Corps."
"Don't you start asking me to join now. Commander Blondie asks me enough."
A spark of wonder ignited on Hanji. "Judging by the way you say that...Erwin
must be pretty persistent—how'd you meet him anyway? Can't imagine how persons
of such different standards could be on casual terms."
A twinge of playfulness rushed through me—perhaps my bodies way of distracting
me from my anxiety. "You really want to know?"
"Well, I didn't ask for my heath. Are you guys close or—"
"I fuck him." Hanji hit me with a bruising confession earlier that was still
tough to recover from, so I wanted to do the same. Take that, shitty-glasses.
"You... fuck who?"
"C'mon, now you're being the naïve one." My voice was coated in satisfaction.
"Erwin. I'm fucking sleeping with Erwin."
"...SMITH?!"
"Is there any other Erwin we're talking about right now?"
Her mouth made a perfectly huge circle, which was almost the same size as her
protruding eyes. "Get out!"
"I wish I could."
"No way... But he looks like a total ladies man! All the girls swoon over him
because he's got that princely aura about him."
"Welp, looks like prince charming likes dick because I can confirm he's a total
closet homosexual."
"Shit..." She leaned back, taking her precious time to reflect on the
confession. "How did it start? Did...Did he hire you for it?"
I shook my head, a little peeved she would assume that right off the bat. Did I
have a fucking hooker vibe about me or something? "We met about a year ago and
we've been hooking up ever since."
"This is... fascinating!" Blushing, she knelled up. "You're like the commanders
mistress—or whatever you call the male equivalent. Now that's something to put
on a list of achievements." She wiggled her eyebrows at me, I looked away from
her goofy gesture. Not because I was annoyed, but because she almost made me
laugh.
Something I realized while bonding with Hanji in this dusty closet was that she
was an easy person to talk to. She had this trustworthy vibe about her that
almost relaxed me (when she wasn't behaving like a lunatic). It almost felt
like I've knew her for years. She was a rare species and I found myself getting
attached.
"By the way, don't leak out a word about me and him to anyone. He's really
strict about anyone knowing—not like that stops me from telling others, but it
can't reach the public, is what I'm saying. Might screw up his position, for
whatever damn reason."
She erected her palm flatly, like she was giving a scouts pledge. "I hereby
promise that all mentions of Erwin being a closet case stays in the closet—no
pun intended."
"That pun was so intended." I almost laughed again, but bit my lip instead as I
traced the cracks in the walls. Yeah, Hanji's alright in my book.
"I don't want to jinx anything, but would seem to have calm down."
"Yeah." If the mood stroke me right, talking would sooth my nerves, which
appeared to be an easy antidote but coming up with topic that didn't bore me to
death was the catch. Luckily, Hanji entertained me well.
"I think I could get us out of here." With stress diminishing, I was thinking
clear again. I observed the knob of the door.
"It's about time you want to come out of the closet." She glinted.
"I swear if you make one more closet pun I will hurt you. Listen, it's a
double-sided lock—I might be able to pick it." Reading Hanji's blinking eyes,
she wanted to ask how I picked up such a skill, but she let the question
fade—the answer was obvious. I'm what most people would consider a thug. Of
course I knew how to pick a lock. We scuffled around in search of a tool we
could use.
"Do you have a hair clip?"
She halted in patting herself down. "No, sorry. Just a scrunchy."
I dug through my pockets and pulled out a lighter, a pack of cigarettes and a
few buttons that broke off from my shirt earlier.
"What a dick." I murmured.
"Hm? What happened?"
"Looks like he 'confiscated' my money." I didn't have the need for the cash now
that I found the bastard on my own and therefore didn't need to score any drugs
in exchange for information, but fuck. That was a lot of money that belonged to
me. Okay—it belonged to the owner of the pawn shop before I stole it, but
that's besides the point.
Just thinking of the bastard almost gave me enough strength to bust through the
wall with mere willpower alone. Knowing he put his grimy hands in my pockets
and who knows where else while I was knocked out made me want to bathe in
bleach.
Not only did we need to get out of here for obvious reasons, but I still needed
to finish what I started.
"Hand over your glasses."
Hanji held the frames protectively, leaning back. "Why..."
"Give them to me." I presented her my impatient palm.
"Well, alright..." she slid them off and placed them slowly into my hand. "But
I'm blind as a bat without them, so whatever you do, just be carefu—"
I snapped the off the hinges that connected the frames to the temple.
"...I don't like the sound of that."
She must actually be as blind as she says. "I'll pay for the repairs."
"Repairs for what? What did you do to my glasses?!"
I turned them into a lock-pick, that's what I did. I removed the shell of the
temples tips and used the bare wire as the base of a lock-pick. After a choir
of scrapes and jingles against metal, I was rewarded when a final clink rang
out.
I handed her back the glasses, or whatever was left of the dissembled thing.
"My poor glasses..." She looked to be on the verge of tears as she pathetically
put them back on, only one supporting temple hooked to her ear. Due to this,
they hung crooked off her nose.
"Get it together, we're leaving." I shuffled up and looked through the crack of
the door.
My intention was to be cautious and scout the area before I stepped out, but a
heavy shadow filled the once lit up bar, only vague outlines were shown from
whatever light was coming from the window. Looks like we'll have to take a
gamble. "Stay close behind me."
I pushed the door open fully and the area that was blocked was revealed. The
sight made my heart leap.
"Just where do you think you're going?" Maverick sung out, seated solely on a
stool at the bar counter. Whiskey in one hand, a pistol in the other.
As if Hanji knew, she grabbed my arm, but that didn't hold me back from rushing
out from the broom closet. I went straight toward him, giving a fuck less that
he was holding a gun aimed right for me. I'll kill him before he even gets a
chance to shoot. I reached for my dagger, which is normally strapped to my
thigh.
An empty void was occupying the space. My feet stopped moving.
With a swift gulp, he over turned the shot glass down hard and picked up my
familiar blade, waving it like a wand. "Looking for this?"
Hanji came up close behind me, reminding me of her presence by grasping my
tense bicep.
Fuck. This isn't good. I have no way of killing him easily and that also meant
I had no way of protecting Hanji.
"Listen, Levi." he said, playing with the sharp blade. "I don't have any
intentions of killing you, or that dorky friend of yours there. I just want you
back in my crew. Simple as that. You're not leaving until you accept."
It sounded like a cheap joke. I wasn't buying it. If I learned anything by
being Maverick's right-hand man back then was that he's a great liar and he
loved to play games.
"You have an odd way of sending out invitations."
"I'll admit some of my methods are a little out there." The curve in his lips
dove down, his face now covered in murky shadows. "I'm willing to forget your
treachery if you come back."
"I'd rather you shot me, to be perfectly honest."
"Must you be so dramatic? Others are kissing my feet just to get in my crew and
here I am, begging you. You have me whipped, Levi. I'm letting you take full
advantage of the benefits that come with it. I'll give you anything you want."
Such luxuries weren't so easily achievable, that I learned while rolling with
him. He was a crooked man that expected his men to go through with sickening
demands with the snap of his fingers. I wasn't a killer of innocence, unlike
him. Hell, I was a virgin to murder to begin with, but I'm happy to pop my
cherry for him.
"And if I refuse, you'll just give me the same treatment you gave my friends,
correct?"
There was a tantalizing pause. My knees shook in anticipation.
A gruff chortle spilled from him. "It was all in good fun."
I lunged at him, striking him off guard with a swing of my fist. Knotting up my
fingers through his hair, I slammed his forehead into the bars counter. I
reached for my dagger on the counter, but due to a swinging arm, it slid down
the counter. I settled for punching him repeatedly in his right eye, hoping I'd
blind him the same way his men blinded my friend when they jumped her.
He managed to get a few soild punches in on me, but I quickly regained the
upperhand. I knocked him off the stool, grabbing it immediately and breaking it
over his back as he crawled for the pistol that slipped from his fingers—when I
realized this, it was too late and he had already grabbed it and twisted
around. With the gun loaded and aimed for me, a shot rang out.
It flew past me, just missing my arm. But my heart twinged—not over being shot
at, that was something I became accustom to, but I remembered that Hanji was
close behind me. He aimed at a nonlethal area because he still needed me, but I
didn't need him. He had a crunch, I had an advantage. But Hanji meant nothing
to him. I had every right to fear that he'd go as far as hitting an innocent
by-stander just to get his way.
When I turned to check on her, I exhaled steadily. She was standing at a safe
distance from the fight, but her face stretched with fright and before she spit
out "Watch out!" I was down for the count. His fingers had slipped around my
neck from behind, locking me in a choke-hold until my sight waved and sparked.
My limps gave a good fight until they drooped from the lack of circulation
going to my head. Before I knew it, I was thrashed down on the floor. Due to my
head being serverly hit for the third time in only two days, I didn't recover
as fast as I normally would.
Steps lumbered upstairs, creaking the ceiling with shouts following. It had to
be his men. This bar must be one of his many hideouts. The shot must have
signaled off his goons. Fuck. This shouldn't be this hard. My fist balled and
slammed down onto the wood, it was the only area I could move. Why can't I
fucking kill him?'
My eyes zoomed in on Hanji, who was shaking in her spot as she anticipated
where the group of threatening men would show up from. Why did I let her come?
My head pounded harder with guilt. Feeling crippled and useless, I screwed my
eyes shut. It's all I could do.
"L-Levi! Get up, we have to go." The shouts got louder, but not as loud as
Hanji's plea.
"You're not going anywhere, bitch." Maverick stood sturdily in place, gun aimed
at her. "Neither is he."
Hanji was centered in my sight; the edges around my vision blurred.
She's not involved in this. She did nothing wrong. Even though she signed her
death certificate by deciding on joining the Survey Corps, I didn't want her to
die. Not like this. Let her die happily in a Titan's belly. I thought the
worse, since it became clear I could not escape.
Don't kill her. They can do whatever they want with me, but if worse came to
worse, let her free. Don't involve her. Don't let her be a casualty of this
senseless crime.
Please, don't kill another one of my friends.
The stomps roared closer.
Shit.
Shit.
This shouldn't be this hard. He's a pathetic waste of space. Why can't I
fucking kill him?
Before I realized it, Hanji knelled down to my side, but her gaze wasn't one of
consoling, but anger and her mind was completely elsewhere rather than me. My
sight slipped down in time to see her digging into her boot. That tiny vile she
showed me earlier was revealed.
She sprout up and whirled around and melted the smug look right off Maverick's
face, literally.
"We have to go, now." She said in a demanding tone over his earsplitting shriek
and the sizzling boil of skin sounding in the air.
By the time I finally found my feet, he quit nursing his melting face and
turned the gun on Hanji as she tugged me in support to the door, but with the
poor bastards flesh melting into his eyes, he was no where near target.
I found steady footing, barely, and hung on to Hanji for a crutch as I limped
out of the bar. We looked back and forth and quickly decided on a route
hastily. The crowd was even busier now, it just be morning. But there's no way
to tell in this cave. We didn't make it far from the bar, but when we heard a
blaring "follow them!" behind us, we wordlessly nodded at one another and
picked up the pace.
Losing ourselves in the crowd, we escaped into an alley and took the long way
around the square, then found ourselves barricaded by a line of Military
Police.
They were stationed at the pawn shop, taking notes from the hysterical owner.
A criminal knows better than to return to the scene of the crime yet it always
becomes inevitable, doesn't it?
I almost spun around and dragged Hanji with me, but then I saw the two men that
held me out before Maverick earlier. Our eyes locked. They raced toward us.
I pressed onward.
It's a risky course no matter what way, but I'll take my chances with the
police. With Hanji in the lead, we climbed up the ladder, that was immediately
marked as suspicious activity judging by the uproar it caused.
"Hey you're not allowed up there... hey!" One of the men in uniform shouted.
And after, the frantic store owner said, "I bet those are the same punks that
vandalized and robbed my shop!"
But before the Military Police could get their fat asses up the ladder, we left
a trail of smoke and fled. Leaving behind the goons chasing us, the police and
my unaccomplished goal.
                                      ~x~
The sun had burned away the remains of the black painted sky before we made it
out of the tenebrous tunnels—we were blinded by the radiating glow of morning
being born upon exiting. The moist air of dawn floated around us as we flew and
although it was freezing, the fresh air felt great. I could breath easy again.
We arrived back at Hanji's place in one piece. A well deserved sense of relief
fell onto us.
"We really dodged the bullet back there, didn't we?" Hanji said, completely
unfazed and thriving in excitement. She still looked as raring to go as she did
before we left. That energy made me envious—but now was hardly the time to let
such an emotion take place. A much more potent feeling took over instead.
"I'm sorry. I should have never let you come. You could have gotten killed."
The words slipped out suddenly when guilt wrapped its virulent hands around me.
I held her life with little care back there. It was a precarious move. Another
act of selfishness on my part. It's not surprising.
Seemingly taking note of my weak posture that swelled with ache and regret, she
assured me with calming words. "We got through it together, though." Perhaps
her only method of reassurances wasn't just with words, because when I looked
up, her arms were suddenly expanded out to me; the space between them
suspiciously my size.
"...What do you want."
The smile she bared became wider as she bounced up in her spot with impatient
exhilaration. "I want a hug."
"Ew. No." I gave her a disgusted look up-and-down.
Her brows knitted seriously, her hands still gesturing for my embrace. "Huggy-
huggy."
"I'm leaving." I closed my eyes with a turn of my heel, taking a step forward.
But when I rotated back quick for a final glance, it was like I was abandoning
a lost fucking puppy with the way her magnetizing eyes glistened on me. Damnit.
I really am easily persuaded, ain't I?
"...Make it quick." I stiffened up, my arms glued to my sides.
"Yay!" She skipped forward, her knee propped backward as she embraced me close,
her slumped head pressed up on the side of mine while my very unamused face
nestled deeply between her tits.
Hmph. I suppose there were some advantages to being short.
"I had fun. We should do that again sometime." She giggled. I couldn't tell if
she was being serious.
"There is no next time for you." I pulled away from her, but her arms remained
draped over my shoulders. "It's too dangerous. I'll finish him off myself."
She frowned and finally released me. "You're a stubborn man—I can't say
anything to stop you, but I hope you reconsider. I can help you, Levi. I think
I proved that already."
"I'll admit you saved my ass." I rarely give out praise, but credit was due on
her part. I'll never knock her for being a girl again—she had balls. Yes,
that's meant to be taken two ways. Regardless of gender, she's a tough cookie,
something I never presumed.
I didn't give her an answer on whether or not I'd ever let her tag along with
me again. She was handy in a tight situation, but that wasn't worth putting her
at risk. I said my goodbyes and walked home.
                                      ~x~
Sometime later, I removed my gear, cleaned myself up and changed into something
more comfortable and then found myself in Eren's bedroom, staring at the heap
of blankets that covered Eren and Mikasa. Light breathing and muffled groans
covered the room.
I intended to do a quick check-up on them and retire to my own bedroom, but my
stay ended up prolonging longer than planned when I sat on the edge of the bed
across from the door. It was for no particular reason. There existed a mess
around my feet on the floor, that looked to be caused by either a tantrum or
self-loathing laziness. I was too tired to care about it, for now.
The blankets rustled behind me. When I peered over my shoulder to see who was
stirring from their slumber, Mikasa rose up, her hair in disarray. After a long
moment of staring in silence at one another, a yawn slipped past her lips along
with a question.
"Your face—What happened to you?"
"A lot." A bowed my head, revving my aching wrist, which was likely due to a
sprain from punching that pricks skull so many times. Having yet to check the
damage properly in a mirror, I didn't know how bad my condition was, but the
throbbing areas of my face and body gave me the impression that I didn't look
too pretty right now.
"You're really bashed up. Is there anything I can do?"
"It'll heal on its own."
I can feel her eyes on me and I almost heard the inquiries going off one after
the other in her head. Mumbling something, Eren tossed around, then went static
when Mikasa stroked his forearm; the comforting gesture sent him back to his
dreams. She didn't appear to have any intentions of taking her eyes off her
brother.
"Eren was really upset, you know. It took me a long time to calm him down."
I soughed bitterly. It was the kids own fault for getting worked up over
nothing. I didn't pity him.
"I won't get mad at you if you said something mean to him, but I will ask you
to apologize if you did."
"More like he owes me an apology—but I could give a shit less about what comes
out of that brats mouth. It's over now, it doesn't matter."
Her features sharpened. "Eren definitely has some anger issues, but he has good
reasons behind it. You had to do something to trigger him off."
"Like I said, it's over with now." I wanted to forget about the stupid domestic
dispute. It held little importance to me, even though just thinking back to it
sent me back on edge, but that could have been for a number of reasons when you
take into account all the shit I've been through tonight.
She flipped the covers off her legs in a tempered motion, folding her portion
of the blanket over Eren and peeled herself off the bed, ignoring me as she
did. She motioned over to the door, but with a deep, reluctant inhale she spun
back around.
"I appreciate what you're doing for us, Levi. I really do. But you have to keep
in mind that Eren is my brother and I have to look out for him. Just please try
to get along because in the end I'm always going to side with him."
I swayed my head to the side subtly, my eyes closing. The way she babies him
irritates me to no end, but I can't see the wrong in her protection-complex.
When you have very few loved ones left, you fight for them.
"The situation between Eren and I is a lot more than it seems, Mikasa. It's
personal, but we'll figure it out. He just needs learn he can't always get his
own way. I assure you it's not that big of a deal."
Mikasa looked to the floor, engaged in guessing. Then after a while her head
started slowly nodding as she kept a tight lip, as if my vague wording helped
her puzzle some pieces together. "Okay. I'll stay out of it then, but don't
make Eren cry again."
I wanted to argue with her over the unfeasible request, but the intimidating
gaze she shot me kept my mouth sealed. It's going to be tough to confront Eren
about our current problem (let's be real, his problem) on those conditions.
Saying a crybaby like him can't shed another tear is like telling a Titan to
never eat another human; it's completely impossible.
But that was an issue that would be solved later. Way later. Ideally, never,
but it was unlikely that the subject wouldn't be touched again. Right now, I
needed sleep.
Mikasa soon went back into motion and left the bedroom behind, telling me that
she was going to make breakfast. That made me sick, the simple thought of even
attempting to feed myself was disgusting. After enduring a long trip on 3D-
Maneuver Gear, I was left with some motion sickness. I still had some leftover
anxiety and the kicks to the stomach didn't help aid an appetite either.
The most sickening part was that it was all for nothing. Fucking useless
effort. All of it. I didn't kill him. I failed.
However, Hanji did manage to melt off half of his face. Now that I was safe at
home, I could recall back in amusement. I suppose it wasn't a total loss.
I couldn't bask in the humor too long, because I realized that such an act
won't go unpunished. There was a good chance that Hanji was at the top of his
shit-list now. Fortunately, he had no knowledge about where I lived, but there
was always a possibility he'd track me down. Still, there was virtually no
connection between Hanji and myself, so she ought've be safe.
It was myself that should be worried. He's stronger than I anticipated and he
practically has an army behind him that jump to the will of his commands with a
snap of his fingers. All I had was myself and these kids and the simple fact of
them knowing me automatically put them at risk.
If he wanted me so badly in his crew again, like he made clear during our
confrontation, then he would have shown his face around here long before I
tracked him down. That's why I have reason to believe that he's not aware of my
whereabouts. It's best to stay low for a while. I'll make another attempt at
his assassination when he's off guard—I'd imagine he's quite riled up right now
with his men hunting me down. It's best to wait until things cool down before
making another move.
"...Argh."
The alert groan hooked my head back. Eren was blinking at me with dreary eyes.
Under my furrowed brows, I blinked in return and then stood with no intentions
of looking back.
A cracking voice reached my back as I turned the knob. "Wait, Levi."
I breezed through the arch of the door. I'm in no mood right now to even share
a simple morning exchange—or more realistically, finish the argument from a few
hours ago. He might have slept all night and had the energy for round two, but
I didn't. I'm exhausted and had a shitty night. I wasn't about to allow this
brat to add logs to an already raging fire by making my morning shitty too.
But nothing could ever end on such a simple note.
Eren chased after me, his socks slipping on the polished floor as he called out
my name, begging me to stop. When I reached my bedroom, I slammed the door, but
before I could turn to lock it, Eren pushed himself in with brute force.
"I need to talk to you."
"I'm tired, Eren. I'm going to sleep." I said in the most irritated tone I
could manage to cough up in my currently state—it had no effect because the
brat pressed on, telling me through his clenched teeth to listen to him. How
pointless. I knew what he wanted to talk about so why should he waste his
breath? He wanted to finish what he started last night; tell me how no good I
am and about his stupid feelings. I didn't want to hear it.
Hoping he would become uninterested and leave like a bored dog if I ignored
him, I reclined my back into the mattress and rolled in the opposite direction.
My brow spiked along with my temper as I heard his feet trotting closer. The
space behind me was soon occupied with Eren's warm body. He pressed his cheek
against my shoulder blade. I tried to squirm him off but he was practically
glued.
"How'd you get all those bruises?"
"I 'fell off the pole'." I returned the insult he gave me earlier.
Lacking enough brains cells to come up with a way to reply to that, he settled
for burying his face between my shoulder and the pillow. There was then a
muffled string of words that followed.
I exhaled loudly. "If you're going to keep me awake, at least talk clearly."
"I'm sorry," a tone soaking in melancholy vibrated against my back, "you know,
about what I said before. You won't believe me, but I didn't mean it.
Honestly."
I readjusted my blankets fussily, remembering exactly what and how he said the
remark that pissed me off so much. But the echoing recall of his words was
drowned out by his sniffles and weeping moans. Great, now he's giving me a
headache. To make it even worse, the brat was using my shirt as a damn tissue
for his salty tears. Gross.
"Stop crying, Mikasa will hear you and blame me." That's all I needed was for
her to rush in here. Then I really won't get any sleep.
"I can't." He sniffed his clogged nose—which resulted in him speaking in
nasally voice. As if he doesn't sound annoying enough. "I feel awful. I don't
really think of you like that. I know I tease you about being a stripper or
whatever you call it, but I don't actually care about that. I know it's
selfish, but I was so hurt when I saw you with Erwin. I thought if I said
enough of nasty things about you, then maybe I would start to believe it and
stop having a crush on you—but it only made me hate myself. I wish I was old
enough to prove my feelings to you, but as long as you're happy, I can live
with you being in love with the commander, but it still hurts."
Tch. What a moron. Maybe all that cleaning I assigned him to fucked with his
head—chemicals are harsher on children, especially ones with not many brain
cells to begin with. "For Christ sake Eren, I'm not in love with Erwin."
"...You're not?" He propped himself up and leaned over my arm to spectate my
face for any trace of lies. "Then why were you kissing him?"
"It's complicated, but we aren't dating. We just have an...affectionate
relationship." Affectionate was the only word I could think of that would be
appropriate for a child. I couldn't exactly tell him that we were fuck buddies
excluding the buddies part.
"Huh..." He rested back down, his mind heavy with thought. "C-Can I have an
affectionate relationship with Levi too...?"
"No."
He pouted.
I crushed the kids dreams before they could even properly come to surface.
"Anyway—a kid like you shouldn't even be getting worked up about relationships
and sex and whatnot. Try to enjoy some of the childhood you have left, will
ya'?"
His head nodded against my back. "Right...I understand—except one thing. Quick
question, what's sex?"
My tired eyes peeled open, my face cracking into horror. I silently rose from
the bed and practically ran out of the room.
"Wait!"
No. Fuck no. I am not having the birds and bees talk right now. Anything but
that. This had better be a nightmare or maybe I did get shot and this was hell.
With tiredness put to a halt, I rushed into the living room until Eren pulled
me a few steps back with a yank of my shirt.
"No, Eren. NO. Go ask someone else." How the hell is it possible that he
doesn't know what sex is? Sure, he's only twelve, but the way he went on about
touching and relationships, I thought he surely had a good idea about how it
worked.
"Fine, I'll go ask Mikasa!" With hot curiosity fueling him, he stomped into the
kitchen with his fist balled. A quick second later, they both returned, staring
up at me with inquiring eyes.
"What is this sex Eren is talking about?" Mikasa questioned, looking just as
innocent as her brother beside her.
I'm officially cursed.
"I know it has something to do with how babies are made between married
couples," Eren started, "but I don't really know all the details."
Mikasa's cheeks dusted with a pink hue; her gray eyes looked to have earned a
lively tint to them. "B-Babies?" her voice rose, the enthusiastic pitch sounded
strange coming from her mouth. She turned a demanding gaze on me. "Tell me
right now—tell me how babies are made, Levi."
My head heaved back at the stifling request. "Both of you...Get the hell away
from me."
"Don't make me resort to violence." Mikasa warned, but it sounded more
desperate than anything. She was really curious—Eren too. I sealed my eyes
shut.
Let's make this quick.
"Mikasa—you're aware that boys have...different...private parts than girls,
right?" Awkwardness stung my tongue. Fuck my life.
"Hmm." She side-glanced at Eren. "I think, are you talking about the little
thingy between their legs? Because I saw Eren's a few times in the bathtub."
"Mi-Mikasa!" He sweatdropped with a yelp.
My shoulders shook and my eyes glossed. I gave it my all not to let a single
sound erupt from my pierced lips. I failed, but I hide my face in my palms in
time to muffle the sound.
"S-Stop laughing, Levi! It's not little! It'll get bigger, you'll see!"
"Be quiet Eren," Mikasa nudged him. "Can't you see that Levi is trying to
explain where babies come from? Anyway—what does the little thing have to do
with it?"
I recovered my composer. Oh God, that was the best line I heard in a while. At
least I had something to use against Eren when he was being an annoying brat.
"Just to be clear, not all men are as small as Eren, but that's besides the
point. The purpose of that part plays a big role in making a baby—it's inserted
inside a girl, then nine months later, you have yourself a baby."
"Wait," her brows scrunched. Of course the explanation couldn't end there—that
would be too easy on my part. God fucking forbid. "Inside where, exactly? Her
mouth?"
"Yes—I mean, no. Well, you can but you can't make a baby that way."
"Now I'm confused."
"Ditto." Eren agreed.
I sighed. My voice got louder for some reason, making my following statement
sound more awkward than necessary. "It goes between a girls legs."
"So you put the little thing inside a girl and a baby comes out...Hmm." Mikasa,
looking rather confused, tapped her finger against her cheek thoughtfully.
"There's more to it then that..." I set my hand on my hip with a shake of my
head. "Never mind, I'll let your future boyfriend explain the rest of the
details."
"That's lame." Eren said, nearly cutting me off. "Sounds boring to me."
"It's not just for making babies, adults do it for fun. It gives you an amazing
sensation." I tsked at myself for how lame I sounded. Maybe this is why their
father went missing; he wanted to avoid this conversation. I was close to
disappearing too.
"Really? How?"
Disregarding Mikasa for the time being, I pointed my gaze straight on him.
"It's like using your hand in that area but a thousand times better."
Eren gave me a thirty yard stare.
"What's the hand used for?" she asked.
"Nothing," I replied to her quickly. "You wouldn't get it yet. Girls tend to
blossom a little later."
"Are you serious?" Eren popped out of his trance, belatedly shouting in reply,
his tone exhilarated. "It feels better than that? No way...Too bad only boys
and girls can to it together."
"Idiot. Two boys or two girls could do it too. It's just a little different."
His face questioned how, and I immediately regretted opening my big mouth when
Eren pressed the issue. "How does the thing go in the thing if they have the
same things?!"
"Different things just get put in different places. Basically, sex just means
pleasuring yourself and whoever you're doing it with. Gender plays little role
in it, unless you're trying for a baby; only a man and woman together can
accomplish that."
"Explain better." he demanded.
"I don't want to."
"Then show me."
"Eren."
Haven't I been punished enough? Why was this conversation still persisting? I
wanted to sleep. I wanted to be away from these dumb kids and their questions.
I wanted anything but this and yet here I am.
"Have you ever done this 'sex'  Levi?" Mikasa asked. If it came out of Eren's
mouth I would have told him to shut up, but something about Mikasa's naïve tone
made me want to settle her curiosity so she wouldn't have to suffer anymore.
"Yes, I have."
"With boys too?" Of course Eren would be the one to ask that. I feel like I'm
being interrogated.
"...Yes." The only type of person I haven't slept with was a gay female,
obviously, but I had a clear idea about how lesbian sex worked. In my wilder
days, the drunk side of me had a habit of hiring two hookers and watching them
go at it—even I can be a pervert sometimes if I wanted to.
"Well if you've had sex with boys, then you should know where the penis goes."
he asked.
"I do."
"Where." Eren replied in a beat.
"Between the legs, just like I said before. It's not much different than sex
between a man and a woman."
"...Like...the penis goes inside the other penis...?"
Horrified, a shadow gloomed over my face as I twitched my lip down at him.
"...What the fuckis wrong with you? NO."
"Well how the heck am I suppose to know if you don't tell me?!"
Roaring between my teeth, I seethed until I erupted. "In the ass! It goes in
the ass."
They blinked at me for an eternity. Why am I explaining how gay sex works to
twelve year olds? Why?
"That...kind of explains a few things—I couldn't help but notice that..." he
mumbled, his cheeks glowing red. He then restarted his failed attempt at a
sentence. "I guess it's normal. I thought I was weird for...being curious about
that area on others..."
Mikasa, with a serious expression, lashed her head to him. "Are you referring
to all the times you stare at Levi's butt?"
"WHAT? I-I do not! Stop lying!"
"I'm not lying. You do it all the time."
Hmph. Can't blame the kid, I do have a pretty incredible ass—pole dancing fills
a person out in all the right places. I didn't have time to be amused at his
confession though, I was surprised he even said something like that around
Mikasa. Maybe it was because she was still confused about the concepts, but she
took it pretty casually.
Eren didn't say another word after that—he looked to be under a trance, just
completely spaced out in his own world. Pink highlighted his cheeks and soon
became scorching red. I could almost see the film reel projecting in his mind.
Filthy.
He croaked out with sudden urgency, "I-I have to use the bathroom!" With that
statement, he ran off as he pulled his shirt over his crotch.
I just gave the poor kid an erection.
Recovering from Eren making a famous exit, Mikasa regarded me with a tiny
smile. "Thanks for explaining Levi, I'm still unsure about a few things, but at
least I know how babies are made now. I've been waiting for this day to come
for a long time."
"Just don't put the information to use yet, got it?" I reluctantly plopped my
palm on top of her head. "A word of advice, don't even have kids. They're
capable of pulling weird sides of yourself out. Trust me."
She hummed in thought, contemplating my words. A while later, the bathroom door
swung open. My lip curled as Eren peeked out and avoided eye contact. Dirty
guilt radiated from him.
"Disgusting. See Mikasa, this is a prime example why you shouldn't have kids,
you might get a rotten seed like Eren."
"What'd you say about me?" What, was he arguing with the floor? How
intimidating, the hormonal brat couldn't even look me in the eye.
"I didn't hear any water run, Eren. Go wash those sticky fingers of yours."
"Eeh?" He stiffly straighten up like a jittery soldier receiving orders from
his superior. "I-I'll go clean them..."
"Go clean that filthy mind of yours while you're at it, perverted brat."
Chapter End Notes
     I think I get personal satisfaction from putting Levi in awkward
     situations. It's just so fun to mess with him, heuheu~ I didn't plan
     on having Eren and Levi make up in this chapter, but them being mad
     at each other stressed me out so I needed to add that last scene to
     get them back on track. (For the record, Levi is a horrible sex ed
     teacher and I think he should be legally banned from explaining sex
     ever again.)
***** Precipitation *****
Chapter Summary
     Levi had some bad vibes for a while now. He's forced to swallow some
     harsh truths about himself and Erwin, but his spirits are lifted with
     a night out with Hanji. But the storm he anticipated sneaks up on him
     when he least expects it.
Chapter Notes
     I have some good news and I have some bad news.
     The good news: There will be a timeskip after chapter 16. You know
     what that means? /whispers Ereri. :3 Yes I know, it's about damn
     time. (I didn't think it would take this long... But I have a lot
     planned for them to make up for the wait~)
     The bad news: The timeskip means Eren and Mikasa won't be adorable
     little brats anymore and also there won't be anymore Eruri smex. More
     bad news: Eruri shippers won't like this chapter. But hey, there's
     smut to lessen the blow so I think I deserve a silver star. Ereri
     shippers, feel free to celebrate! (But not too soon because the next
     chapter is...well, you'll see.)
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Sometimes, my bad vibes scared the living piss out of me.
I didn't have a magical gift that enables me to predict the future, nor did I
have any evidence that gave me reason for my grim premonitions, but in the past
the foreboding senses that would cloud my thoughts had proved to be too
accurate to be ignored.
This trepidation in particular has been clinging with me for days. I couldn't
shake it. A storm was brewing despite the signs of clear skies. It was like
being in the eye of a hurricane; safe in the lull of the storm as disaster
orbits around me, trapping me. There was no way of knowing when the storm would
strike or how I could run out of harms way and avoid it. That's the unnerving
part—being unprepared for the unknown.
No one can stop a storm. It's nature. All you can do is ride it out and hope
for the best and that's exactly what I did. But on the dawn of New Years Day, I
learned that storms could be devastatingly cruel; holding no remorse for
whoever was in its range.
Turning the clocks hands back to an earlier time—a little before midnight on
the 30th to be more precise, I was headed toward my favorite bar around the
corner from my house, hoping that liquor would drown out the paranoia and put
some rational sense into this racing head of mine—or at the very least, shut it
off completely.
I was expecting the worse from every murky corner, but instead of being greeted
with my impending doom, I was rewarded with a notion of relief when I walked
into the dingy tavern.
Two heterochromia wings that manage to fly home in one piece came into my line
of sight. But the owner of those wings looked anything but put together. The
feathers of his spirit were brutally plucked from him.
The mission outside the wall was unsuccessful.
I've seen this scene many times before—Erwin never sulked in dirty pubs unless
he wanted to drink for all his fallen comrades. Regret and sorrow seeped from
him, making the room unbearably oppressed.
At the time, I thought this was the origin of my trepidation; perhaps I caught
onto some of Erwin's emotional waves and the loss and regret he held somehow
synced with me, but looking back now, Erwin was only the cause of light drizzle
before the crack of lightening striked down on me.
Pounding my flattened palm on the counter to grant myself the barkeeps
attention, I took a seat on the stool beside him. "The usual—and a refill for
him, on me."
"Levi..." His face was vacant of any expression—but his eyes couldn't be so
easily concealed. Just one look told me everything. I saw it all. The whole
trip replayed in those glassy blue orbs. After meeting this side of Erwin on so
many occasions before, the scene felt l scripted. Like attending an awful play
that I was forced to watch over and over again.
Inhaling jittery to rid his potent nerves, he tried to pass off a small smile,
even though we both knew it was fake. It didn't last long though, because the
longer he looked at me, the more his lips descended. "Looks like you took a
beating."
Most of my bruises had diluted from the fight with Maverick, but the imprints
of punches still encircled my eyes, (not that it makes a difference, just a
tint darker compared to my usual dark-circles) but the split lip had yet to
heal, which was the main giveaway that I've been in a brawl.
"Same to you." He didn't look as pristine and groomed as he usually did; a few
days worth of stubble had grew in and his hair sat unkept. Generally, he just
looked tired. The man deserved a long break, but I'd never tell him that. He
wouldn't take my advice anyway.
"We lost nearly 40% this time." He said flatly, blinking slowly into his held
glass.
I perked my brows. That's an impressively depressing number. Stiffly swigging
down my shot, the liquor clogging my throat stung momentarily. "I think getting
you drunk tonight is in order. Drinks are on me, but just don't pass out—I'm
not carrying your big ass home."
With all the soldiers that get swallowed up on the trips and the lack of new
recruits, it surprised me how Erwin wasn't the last man standing by now. Even
if he was, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that said he wouldn't still go out
there, fully prepared for battle on his own.
I had nothing to say in condolences. If I said "they died for a good cause" it
would just be a lie. What they're doing is pointless. All they achieve by going
out there is just serving themselves up as snacks. No new knowledge about the
Titan's has been discovered in generations and even inessential information the
Survey Corps did manage to scavenge wasn't crucial enough to replace the
thousands who sacrificed themselves. It's beyond me why people are so eager to
die for a useless cause, and it's even more mind-boggling when people decide to
replace their shoes and die for the same reason. An endless cycle of
unnecessary death. How pitiful.
Even so, that doesn't make the loss any less significant. Strong men and women
died out there doing something they believed was beneficial for humanity,
regardless if they are right or wrong, it was still a tragedy.
I could never have Erwin's strength—and I'm not referring to physically
strength. I could easily kick his ass if I wanted to, but his mental state is
extraordinary. To witness comrades die gruesomely and yet have the motivation
to move onward while knowing you'll be adding even more to the body count was
an unimaginable trait I'd never posses. I'm much too weak in that sense.
You don't have to die to make sacrifices; Erwin was living proof of that.
He held all the burden on his own, yet it never weighed him down for long—he'd
still stand proud and lead his comrades to their death for the sake of
humanity.
I wouldn't be able to see people I came to know disappear after each trip
outside. It took a wearer of tough skin to be the commander of such an
unforgiving guild. This is (one of the many reasons) why I could never join the
Survey Corps. I couldn't face such pointless death on a regular basis. Surely,
it would make me even more bitter than I already am now. I'd be miserable under
those conditions. I may not look the part, since I'm aware that I come off as
an asshole to most, but I value people's lives. Even if serving my own heart to
the military wasn't the problem for me personally, having others die after
giving such a pledge would be hard to bear witness to.
My wrist sat beneath my chin as my thoughts tangled. I stared at the golden
droplets slide down my empty drink, but just as a puddle rimmed around the
glass on the counter, my chin swooped down when my supporting wrist was grabbed
and pulled off my stool.
With my mouth motioning without sound, my feet dragged until I found a pace to
match Erwin's stomping in front of me, his fingers still bone-shatteringly
tight around my wrist.
I've become so fluent in Erwin's body language—I knew what he wanted without
having to ask. From the moment I laid eyes on him, my night was already planned
out for me.
He led me to the back of the bar and into the restroom and before I could
refuse the thought obviously spotlighted Erwin's mind, I was seized, picked off
my feet and pinned roughly against the tile wall. I was then attacked by
Erwin's full, eager lips.
With the way he pressed in close, holding onto my thighs with his groin
pressing between my legs as he planted messy, teeth-bumping kisses, I was left
with no room to breathe. When I attempted to pull away for a gasp of needed air
he yanked me back with my knotted hair ripping between his fingers.
I wasn't going anywhere—I'm locked fully in his command and I willingly allowed
his body to take full authority over mine. I felt utterly drunk despite only
downing a single shot. There wasn't a gap between our bodies as I tasted his
booze-soaked tongue.
This Erwin was different from the one that returned home last time. I've come
to know both sides to him, and I still couldn't pick a favorite. This Erwin,
who had now motioned me over to the mirror as he practically ate at the nape of
my neck, was lewd; his gestures and movements almost deranged. Blood oozed from
my broken skin, but didn't travel far down my spine before he swiped it up with
his tongue.
This Erwin was nearly mute, very spontaneous in his actions. The other was
kind, courteous and restrained like a good soldier boy should be. He always
beat around the bush and never told me straight-out what he wanted, yet at the
same time he never shut his trap. The Erwin before the trip was a gentle sheep,
the Erwin now is a hungry wolf.
The porcelain of the sink felt cool under my palms holding me up. The chill
worsened when Erwin squirmed his icy hands up my shirt, cupping my peck. As he
did this, his eyes locked with mine in the mirror and I had no choice but to
look back. If I were to look away, I would lose and be devoured. Our true
animal instincts shined during these moments and right now Erwin was most
definitely at the top of the food chain. All this was merely playing with his
meal before he worked up the appetite to indulge me fully.
...But I wouldn't be so easily preyed on without a fight; let's just say he's
not the only one who likes to build up an appetite. Plus, I had other reasons
for wanting to stall.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, commander, but you'll have to tame yourself a
while longer. We're not fucking in here. It's gross." It was hard to spit out,
given that fact that I was already semi-hard, but there was no telling how far
he'd go if I didn't say something—we were starving, yes, but this place was
unacceptable.
But this side of Erwin, like I said, was a quiet wolf that couldn't be reasoned
with. He dipped low and shook his forehead between my shoulder blades,
breathing in the scent of my clothes deeply.
My pants had been unbuckled and fell to my ankles. My arms were placed above me
and held firmly against the glass of the mirror.
Perhaps I was foolish to think such a plea would work. Desperate to snap him
back to himself, I tried another approach: "We'll get caught. Didn't you want
to keep me your dirty secret?" We were the only ones in the bar before, but
that didn't mean someone else wouldn't come in eventually. Even the bartender
might pop in here if we were gone too long.
Erwin was very paranoid about being too affectionate with me in public, since
it wouldn't look good on his part if he got caught screwing around with a thug
like me. He's also a total closet case with no intention of coming out anytime
soon, so this behavior had me thrown off. Maybe I couldn't translate his body
and desires as much as I believed.
Getting caught wasn't actually a problem for me. I had nothing to hide or be
penitent about—I lost the ability to be ashamed a long time ago. Generally, I
just didn't like fucking in public. I know, it sounds like a lie when you take
into account all the times I've had sex in the streets and been plainly seen by
strangers in the act, but I was different now. Maybe I was just getting old,
but I enjoyed sex more while in the privacy of my own bed, away from the
reminder that I resided in his shitty world and just allowed myself to get lost
in the sensations. And above all else, at least I knew my own bed was sanitary.
Sex was filthy on its own, adding to it by fucking in public wasn't as
pleasing.
Nowadays the only time I feel anything was when I had sex. Any other time I
just felt hollow inside. Sex gave me time to just feel good and not care about
anything else. Everyday I go through the motions of mundane life and I'm lucky
if I find amusement in the situations I find myself in once in a while—but
disregarding basic emotions, my heart hasn't felt the same warmth I had as a
child. I don't think my heart will ever thaw, but sometimes intimacy gave me an
artificial feeling of that warmth. It gave me the illusion that someone gave a
shit about me—even though all the people I've ever slept with either was
ashamed to be seen with me or they were using me. But just for that one moment
of blissful climax I felt every feeling at once—all the emotions that abandon
me long ago.
Fuck it. Who cares if we're in a filthy men's restroom. There's no turning
back. Hell, I wouldn't allow him to stop now even if he wanted to. I thought
this as the sadistic bastard lathered his fingers up in my mouth deep enough to
force a gag out of me, then with no warning he inserted them behind me. I
slumped forward and arched my hips, handing myself over completely by granting
full access. The grimy mirror became riddled with smudges from my fingertips
clawing along it. My hot breath fogged my reflection as he scissored my
entrance.
I flinched when his fingers exited me abruptly, but that was nothing compared
to the way I jolted up with a pained whine when he shoved his hardness into me
raw. Gasping, I slammed my fist against the glass, nearly cracking it. That's
right—this Erwin didn't like foreplay and overly-prepping me. This one liked to
rip me apart and watch me bleed. Biting my lip to help endure the pain, I tried
to put my mind elsewhere to loosen my muscles up—but it was impossible. All I
could feel was him stretching me wide and filling me up, pounding into me with
mighty thrusts.
My knees were weak and if it wasn't for him holding onto my hips, I surely
would have crumbled the same way the walls of my mind had. Finally—the thoughts
are off. No more worrying and the paranoia I've felt for days had vanished. I'm
lost in the sensations that rush through me like a drug.
Large hands roamed up my shirt again, this time to eagerly tug at a protruding
nipple. The tender skin being roughly handled stung, but my bodies reaction to
it showed no signs of distress. The pinches caused me to yelp back into his ear
and I quickly returned the pain he was giving me by biting on the lobe, but the
effort seemed to have fueled him more.
Weak moans poured out of me. If that wasn't enough of a reason to be
humiliated, pre-cum was dripping from me, adding another mess to the filthy
tile below. I blindly moved my hand down to my cock and pumped as Erwin rammed
all this strength into me with no remorse.
Fuck, I'm definitely going to feel this in the morning.
Closing my eyes, I tilted my head to the side so he could feast on my neck. His
teeth sank into me. When he pierced my skin he'd suck out my flavor, then
abandon the spot in favor of another, leaving behind the wound with a simple
lick. Again and again he'd clench into my flesh until there wasn't a spot left
unmarked by his territory. By the time I opened my eyes again, my neck was
covered in bloody teeth marks and bruises.
I whimpered a curse as I came close to my peek, my hand still stroking in a
hasty motion along my swollen cock. To silence the disgraceful sounds, I bit
the cuff of my shirt, but there was no stopping the scream building up in my
throat—it would surely unleash soon.
"Let me see your face."
My cheek resting against the mirror was jerked away sharply by my hair. I
scowled. I barely recognized my own reflection, but when he pressed himself in
deeper right on the spot I loved, my mouth dropped and let out a distasteful
pitch almost too high to be my own.
I couldn't bear the sight of myself anymore, so I blinked over to Erwin, who
had a wild look in his icy eyes. He stared at me intently as he motioned
roughly behind me; beads of sweat glided down his cheek and caught onto his
stubble. Some might see such an expression as terrifying, but I marked it as
the most arousing expressions Erwin ever presented me with. Too bad I couldn't
look longer and sketch it into my minds memory, for my eyes rolled to the back
of my head when he slapped his hips faster against me. Heavy pants trickled out
over my dangling tongue.
I grasped the sink ledge with both hands for leverage, because I surely would
fall if I didn't. Erwin looked to be on the verge of collapsing too judging by
the way he leaned all his weight down on my back. His grunts and sighs were
injected into my wet ear drenched by his tongue.
"Er...win..." I reluctantly cried out his name in a hushed tone as I jerked
myself a few more times before filling the sink with my own thick liquids. My
legs numbed and I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold his vibrating
weight—but with the way his thrust sped up along with his grunts, I knew I
wouldn't have to for long.
"I'll beat you senseless if you even think about coming inside me." Usually
when we fucked at my place, I didn't mind if Erwin occasionally finished up in
me since I routinely bathed after our sessions, but I'd be damned if I'm
walking back home with his gunk dripping from my ass.
A disgruntled sigh later he pulled himself out, leaving me feeling empty. He
then finished off in his hand with a shivering shout. Just when I thought it
was over, he loped his wet fingers to my mouth, smearing the wetness against my
lips.
"You did say you like having a dirty mouth."
I licked over the familiar taste, occasionally sucking and nipping on the tips
of his fingers until his hand was clean. The dribbling fluid I missed was wiped
from my lips and returned to my mouth until there wasn't a drop left.
With the task complete and the heat cooling down, we managed to get our
breathing pattern back on track. Erwin zipped up his pants just as I did. My
bland nature unfortunately returned to me as I spun around and faced the
awkward stare awaiting me.
Having sex in a pubs bathroom is all fun and games until it's over and you're
left in the same silent room that was once filled with your erotic sounds. I
wouldn't let this petty shyness last long though. I sighed casually. "Don't
ever pull something like that again—that was completely uncalled for."
"You seemed to enjoy it."
My mouth opened, but almost immediately the complaint waiting on my tongue was
cut off. My lip lowered shut along with my pointed finger.
I couldn't say I didn't like it—the way I lost complete control over myself
during sex was a dead giveaway. Pity how I could never conceal that. Any other
time I'm a master at keeping a pokerface, but all it took was a dick in my ass
to get me gasping like a virgin. I ought've learn some self-control—ew, no,
then I would be taking this assholes advice. Looks like he wins either way.
"Just don't do it again. Learn to keep it in your pants until you come home
with me, geez."
"Hmph, well what if I said I wanted another round? Does this mean I can come
over?"
"No." He's a big boy, let him jack himself off if he was still unsatisfied. I'm
not personal glove he can squeeze into every time he seen fit.
"Then it looks like we'll just have to settle for doing it here again." He
snaked his arms around me with a promiscuous smirk.
I pushed him away. "Ugh. Fine. You can come over, but you're not sleeping
there. Your ass is leaving as soon as you're finished."
"We'll see about that."
"What'd you say?" I spun back to him just before opening the door. Don't you
dare get cocky with me. "Fuck off, blondie. I change my mind. Go pay the tab,
I'm leaving."
"I thought you said you were paying?" he smiled, looking down at me like I'm
some stupid kid embarrassing myself. That pissed me off beyond belief.
"Yeah well I changed my mind about that too. Have a good night asshole. Don't
follow me."
Erwin followed me.
What was even more irritating was that he hummed with a smirk as he did.
I eyed up at him, snarling. "You know, I gave you a pity-fuck because you were
depressed. So what's got you happy all of a sudden? I feel like I got ripped
off."
"Do you really need to ask at this point? I thought you had it figured out by
now."
I did have it all figured out. I just wanted to see his reaction to being put
on the spot. For some reason, he would always pop back to himself after
sleeping with me, which was extremely irritating because he'd go from being
this mysteriously, untamed beast back to being this gentle giant. How lame.
But—there was something that secretly put me in an equally cheerful mood. As
pissed off as I was at Erwin for fucking me back there, I was actually glad
that I was worth a risk for him. He's always been so careful about making sure
our intimate relationship wasn't found out, but for once he actually put me
before his concerns. We've only ever done it in the open once before, but it
was too well-hidden to be considered public sex.
Did this mean he was finally getting over the fear of having to hide me? I know
I'm not a perfect human, but I'm better than I used to be. Only in emergencies
did I rob or prostitute, and I didn't sell drugs anymore and actually earned
money through a job (though it wasn't the most honest living). I still drank a
lot, but I wasn't addicted to any drugs. Was he finally noticing all that...?
Was that scene back there his way of telling me he's less ashamed of being seen
with me?
God, now I'm sounding lame. Why would I even fucking care how he thinks of me?
It's not like I bettered myself for him—I did that all for myself.
I jingled my keyring out of my pocket as we neared my house. After going down
the small flight, I inserted the key and pushed open the door—but it only gave
way a few inches.
"Shit. One of the kids must have put the chain on. What a pain."
To be fair, I always told them to lock up when I knew I'd be gone a while, but
they never did—they'd always forget to lock the bolt and chain, but of course
the one time I was actually coming home at a reasonable hour they'd remember
and inconvenience me. I closed it and then felting like moron for having to
knock on my own front door. What made standing out here, trying to get to get
access to my own home even worse was Erwin's giggling commentary in the
background.
"That's adorable—you've really taken a liking to those kids, haven't you?"
"Tch. Are kidding me? I can't stand them. Feel free to take them from my hands
if you think they're so adorable."
Erwin snapped from his smile when his eyes moved downward. "Oh—Levi. Wait." He
moved his hand up close to me and I shrank away, confused.
"...What?"
"Your neck...I'm sorry."
Lost in his words, I pressed my fingers along the ached skin until it clicked.
"You asshole."
"I said I was sorry—anyway, you might want to keep that out of the kids view
for a while. Wouldn't want them to think there's a vampire in the
neighborhood."
He chuckled lightheartedly. Look at this fuck, I want to punch the smile off
his face and maybe some teeth while I was at it.
I grunted and pulled out a cloth from my coats inner-pocket—all while Erwin
stared at me quizzically. Even more so when I wrapped it around my neck.
"What's that—a scarf?"
"It's a cravat, you uncultured barbarian."
"Your insults get better by the day—by the way, that actually suits you."
I just looked at him dully in reply after securely tying it, then ruffled it a
bit so it wouldn't wrinkle against my coat.
Lately I've been holding onto it, especially when I left the house. I didn't
like to think of myself as the sentimental type, but I did miss my friends and
keeping this close to me was a reminder of them. If one thing was certain; I
never, ever wanted to forget them. This cravat helped keep their memory close
to me.
Unfortunately, the special item had to be used to conceal this bastards teeth
marks because the last thing I needed was the kids questioning me about it—and
oh boy did they love to fucking question me. It was bad enough they completely
pampered me because of my wounds. I didn't want to give them another reason to
spark up their curiosity and compassionate charity; I use the term loosely
because mainly it was just an annoyance.
I pounded the door once more, but when my fist was nearing the final knock, the
door swished open, leaving my balled hand floating in the air with no place to
go.
"Sorry I didn't hear you before, I was in the bathroom."
"What else is new." I sighed pass Eren and the door slammed behind me.
As I turned, the words I was about to say abandoned me when the listener was no
where to be found. I scanned the entrance area—something was missing from the
picture.
Oh...fuck.
Eren folded his arms, his brows tightly puckered, matching his pouting lips.
His back was pressed against the door firmly.
"Let him in, Eren."
"No."
"Eren."
For a year now I routinely brought back Erwin to my place with no problems. My
friends would simply offer him a beer or make small talk with him when he came
over, but now things weren't as simple. Eren, despite the fact that we already
discussed this topic, still hated the idea of Erwin and I together. Even though
I explained that him and I weren't in a relationship or even had romantic
feelings, he still pulled a stunt like this. What a moron.
I cupped his shoulder, pushed him to the side and went for the knob. The brat
tried to squirm his way back into control of the situation, but the door was
already open with Erwin standing their with a the most confused smile you can
imagine.
"Sorry about that. This brat here gets rowdy when it's past his bedtime." I
stared at Eren sharply. "Isn't that right?"
"Don't talk to me like I'm a little kid!"
If only he knew how much that made him sound more like a little kid. I backed
up, giving room for Erwin to step into the threshold. Eren gave him a
threatening gaze, but it looked so puny when you take into account that his and
Erwin's height was extraordinary contrasting, making him look like a tiny
constipated bug. If anything, Erwin probably thought the intimidating
expression was cute.
"As you can see, I have company. Go to bed."
But did the brat comply with my order? No. He waddled his ass over to the couch
and sat. Erwin and I exchanged looks, but I couldn't bear the baffled sight
anymore. It was pathetic how much Eren was stirring up the room for no reason
other than to be annoying.
"I said go to bed."
"Not tired." Eren's narrowing eyes never strayed off Erwin, who was moving
deeper into the living room. The kid gave a look that suggested he was
thinking: "how dare you come into my home?" You know, despite the fact it
was my damn house.
"At least go to your room and read a book or something."
"Make me."
Oh I'll fucking make him alright. I'm having none of his attitude tonight.
Erwin chuckled, trying to lighten the heavy aura between Eren and I with a
sarcastic remark. "Looks like you're under full control of him, Levi."
"Shut up, I'm not a little kid. He can't control me."
My mouth dropped. I couldn't believe he just told the commander of the Survey
Corps to shut up. Sure, I said worse to him, but that's because I knew him
personally. Eren wasn't in the same standing as me.
"If you don't want to be labeled as a kid, then don't fucking act like one. And
show a little more respect to Erwin. You want to join the Survey Corps, right?
Well you can start off by showing a high ranked officer some respect, brat."
Erwin blinked at me, surprise painted on his features. I was surprised too, but
it wasn't so much about defending Erwin; this kid just needed to learn to show
some damn decency and it was the perfect opportunity to scold him.
Hoping off the couch with a roaring groan, he pointed his stubby finger to
Erwin. "Don't do anything gross."
"I-I didn't plan on it?" he huffed nervously. "Surely Levi would scold me if I
did, isn't that right?" he looked to me, and all I could do was stand there and
anticipate Eren's reply.
"No, you know what I'm talking about."
"I do?"
He nodded and cupped his mouth, whispering something too low for my ears to
pick up. He left, leaving behind Erwin looking like a stunned victim.
Once Eren went to his room and slammed the door, I stepped up to Erwin, arms
folded and eyes rolling. "What the hell did he say to you?"
He gulped. "...He told me not to have sex with you and that your ass belongs to
him...uh—Levi? Where are you going?"
I'll fucking kill him.
"What the fuck is wrong with that gigantic head of yours?" I thrashed open his
bedroom door, but as I was stomping near his bed he was seated on, my foot was
stabbed with a belt buckle on the floor. I hissed and kicked the thing away—but
that's when I noticed that his room looked completely upside down.
"You need to clean this room." My anger moved elsewhere when I took note of the
disgusting ray of dirty laundry, trash and dust coating the floor. I don't care
if he's still sulking from rejection, that's no excuse for letting this room
get so out of hand.
"You're so meticulous."
I heaved my head back, letting a sharp exhale slip out dryly. "Where'd that
come from? Never thought I would hear you say a word bigger than two
syllables."
"I've been reading your boring books." He grimaced.
"Why are you being so cranky? You're worse than a girl on the rag."
"A girl on the wha—"
"—Nothing." Hell no. It will be a cold day in hell before touched that subject.
Besides, that topic was completely out of my jurisdiction. "At least you picked
up a hobby that doesn't involve burning down the kitchen."
He shrugged. "Nothing better to do."
"I'll give you something to do all right: clean this pigsty.
"Ugh." He flopped back, arms sprawled as he kicked his stubby legs. "But I'm
tiiired~"
One second he's playing a role in a ridiculously sad excuse of a love triangle,
and now he's apparently exhausted. "What are you, narcoleptic?"
He snored in reply. Thanks, that answered my question perfectly. Reluctantly, I
mazed through the mess and threw the blanket on him with no effort put in. I
guess I'll have to yell at him for the little scene he pulled tomorrow. I went
back into the living room and shook my head at Erwin.
"Fuckin' kids. Why do people willingly have them?"
"So humanity wouldn't cease to exist."
"Thanks, Commander Obvious. Anyway—" I side glanced away, my body heating up.
"If you haven't noticed, I'm tense."
He took longer than I thought he would to catch onto my hint, but he curled one
side of his lip with his eyes hooded playfully when he finally grabbed onto
what I was suggesting. "Is that so? I think I can fix that."
It goes without saying that Erwin made a mess of me all night long.
                                      ~x~
I groaned at my clock. Eight in the fucking morning—why the hell am I being
woken up this early? Barely able to breathe due to my lungs being crushed, I
shoved Erwin's big ass body off me, along with his soft dick still partially
inside me. Look at us old men falling asleep during sex. In our defense, we did
it five times last night. We wore each other out and deserved the sleep, but
unfortunately I wasn't a deep sleeper like him.
I groaned again when I realized I never actually been present around Erwin the
morning after—he only slept over once before but he was gone by the time I woke
up. At least he was sleeping so I'll deal with that later. Right now, I had to
answer the knock at my bedroom door. After throwing on a robe, I opened it just
a crack and peeked through, looking down at a bundle of black hair.
"That weird lady is knocking at the door. I knew you were sleeping so I tried
to ignore her, but she's very persistent."
What a wonderful way to start off the day. In all seriousness, what the hell
does she want? I rubbed my temple in preparation before greeting that
enthusiastic lunatic.
Tightening the straps around my waist, I squeezed out of the door so Mikasa
couldn't get a glimpes inside; not that she would react to seeing Erwin in my
room anyways—if it was Eren on the other hand, I'd have a problem. But when I
walked past the living room and kitchen without seeing him, it was safe to
assume he was still sleeping. Or maybe he was in the bathroom jacking off like
he usually did, who knows, who cares.
"Levi~! How's it going?" Hanji, standing there twinkle-eyed, chirped like a
pesky bird that wouldn't shut up upon opening the door.
"I was sleeping. What do you want, shitty-glasses." Unfortunately for me, my
death glare wasn't effectively working on Hanji today; if it had she would have
went running. It was bad enough I was getting horrible sleep from all these
foreboding thoughts haunting me lately, but just when I finally got knocked out
by a workout with Erwin last night, she comes and wakes me up. I don't have any
luck.
"Good to see you're such a chipper morning person—I was scared for a minute."
She winked at me. I groaned. "You wouldn't happen to have my jacket I forgot
here, would you?"
I looked up recall, then back to her nodding. "Oh, yeah. I washed it. It was
filthy. Come in."
I yawned into my hand and dragged my feet back into my bedroom teary eyed. Did
I mention I was tired? Because I walked right into an impending headache that
was completely avoidable, and yet I never saw it coming.
I ruffled through the bottom of one of the draws where I placed Hanji's jacket
for safe keeping, telling myself I'd return it but kept forgetting. The neatly
folded article of clothing was in my hands. I spun to Hanji, who was standing
at the arch of the door. But her mind and sight was somewhere other than the
jacket I was handing her. With her eyes round, her bottom lip dropped.
"Holy shit—Levi...Levi, Oh my God."
Setting the jacket down on the dresser, I smacked my forehead, trying to force
the stupid out of me. Completely memorized by the sight of Erwin exposed chest
breathing steadily, Hanji pointed like a dumbass at him, cheeks red and smile
wide. She looked like she wanted to say everything at once yet her throat was
clogged.
"Why are you so surprised? I already told you about him."
"But...Levi...he's actually right there. I mean, I believed you, but couldn't
believe it, you know what I'm saying? Oho~ now I know why you're cranky, I
would be too if someone took me away from a scene like this...heuheu~"
"...Take your slimy jacket and get out of my house."
After a final glance, she picked up the jacket and fully intended on just
leaving—but when I heard a grog and a shift in the bedsheets, I knew it was
game over. I really didn't have any luck. Not an ounce of it.
"What...the hell is going on?" Erwin sat up, covering himself like a hooker
caught in the act by police.
Hanji gasped, looking at me and back to a freshly awoken Erwin. "Nothing at
all! I'm just a figment of your imagination~" She waved her hands around
mystically. "You're still sleeping~Ooo~"
I propped up against the dresser, dipping my sight down from the scene so I
wouldn't get secondhand-embarrassment. "He might look like one, but he's not a
moron, Hanji."
"Good point...Ah, but it's a nice morning we're having, isn't it commander?"
She hummed casually. I was really in for it now, judging by the sullen stare he
gave me that made me gulp hard. With a curled lip he turned back to her with a
milder gaze.
"...And who are you?"
"Excuse my disrespect sir!" Popping up as if she remembered something
important, she clicked her heels together and saluted. "I'm Hanji Zoe, future
recruit of the Survey Corps! I look forward to working with you in the
future~!"
Erwin sunk his head in his palm while mumbling, "You have to be kidding me..."
Oh, I bet he's just thrilled to hear that he'll be fighting alongside someone
who knows his dirty secret. I would have found it amusing if I didn't know I
was in for a lengthy lecture about my conspicuous behavior.
Even so, it's actually entertaining to see Erwin this rattled, but I knew I'd
be chewed out for it. That's the price that must be paid to witness such an
incident.
"She's also a friend of mine." I added and stared at him, my face telling him
to relax and not get worked up over something so small—but my expressions
weren't very effective today it seems; it didn't work.
He clicked his tongue and just gave me a look.
He's pissed.
Yup, I'm definitely going to be chewed out for this, and not in the good way
either. I can hear his bitching already.
I bumped myself onto Hanji, resulting in her backing up out the door. "I think
it's best you leave."
"...Right—but we should go out for drinks later!" She ducked down to my ear and
whispered, "I want to hear all the dirty details. Hehe~"
"Can't. I have work tonight. Maybe another time." I continuously pushed her
dead weight out the door. But she whipped her head back and kept talking.
"Work? You can't be serious...oh and see you later Mr. Commander sir—" I
slammed the door on her and wiped my hands together. Now that the trash has
been taken out, I could take care of other pesky matters.
"What was the meaning of that, Levi? You know how I feel about people knowing
about us."
In silence, I bit my bottom lip. That self-inflicted sting was nothing compared
to those words. Yes, I know you're ashamed of me—no need to rub it in. Just
when I thought he didn't care anymore—I guess I was wrong.
I ran my palm over my scruff and sat back on the bed. "As I said, she's a
friend—someone I trust. It's not a big deal."
"Trust doesn't mean anything. I trusted you about keeping our affair a secret
and you just broke that trust."
My heart pumped with irritability. He really goes to great lengths to keep his
perverted relationship with me hush-hush, doesn't he?
"Wait, let me get this straight: my friend can't see you sleeping naked in my
bed but fucking in a public toilet is acceptable?"
Disappointed, he shook his head. I could tell he was fed up—why I couldn't
figure out, but it made me share a mutual feeling.
"I was drunk, you know that. But regardless if she's a friend or not, it was
uncalled for. Not to pick at healing wounds or anything, but your old friends
were an exception since they were in the same class as you, so I didn't mind.
But I don't know anything about the person that was just here—seriously, she
better not spread a word. I care about you Levi, I really do, but—"
"Don't fucking finish that sentence."
I knew how the speech would end—but that's not what made me shut him up. I
needed time to think about what he just said. What did he mean by "the same
class"? Did he not care that my friends knew about us fucking around because
they were worthless punks like me who didn't matter? How dare him. There was no
other way I could take it now that my rage was leaking out. Maybe I was being
irrational, but there was no other excuses I could come up with at this time.
Frankly, I was sick of making excuses for him.
No one could know about us because it'll compromise his rank.
No one could know about us because he's ashamed of his sexual orientation.
No one could know about us because I'm a filthy thug rejected from society.
All these fucking excuses were becoming tiring.
I know I'm probably just a tool for him. If he couldn't use me as a weapon in
the Survey Corps, then he'd use me as a stress relief. One way or another he
was getting something out of me. I never noticed it before, but Erwin wasn't
much different than all the others I've slept with. I always held him above the
rest, thinking we had a great physical connection, but when it came down to it
I was just being used again. Why this discovery was coming to me now of all
times was unclear—but it was long overdue. Call it the final straw, if you
will.
He claims to care about me and even though a part of me is dumb enough to
believe it's true, it still hurt that he's so ashamed of people knowing about
our affair. I know it's a private matter, but fuck. The bastard managed to hurt
me, and it takes a lot to accomplish that.
All of this wasn't new news to me, but it did just hit me for the first time. I
suppose I was too blinded by lust to realize. I know I'm no prize package, but
he could be a little more subtle about saying he doesn't want anyone knowing we
have a relationship—whatever this fucking train wreak of a relationship was to
begin with.
It wasn't even the fact that he didn't want anyone to know that hurt me,
(because I could understand that) it's how worked up he gets about it—like
people knowing about us is the worse possible scenario he could find himself
in. This isn't the first time this happened, either.
One time in particular I was hit with a rare affectionate mood triggered by
intoxication. It was during a time in my life where I was actually content. My
friends were alive and gave me pleasant company, I had a steady income coming
in from a less crooked source and I was sleeping with a guy that I labeled as a
good catch. I just wanted to hold the bastards arm while we walked back to my
place but he pushed me away and walked on ahead. He was fine being seen in
public together, but heaven forbid if we were closer than arms reach from each
other.
I know it seems stupid—I knew from the beginning that this was just a sexual
relationship between us, but there was a part of me hidden away that was
shining brightly now, telling me that my sensitivity wasn't without reason.
The bed creaked and I soon felt a presence behind me. I sealed my eyes tight as
my robe slipped off my shoulders. Light kisses were left on all the aching
marks left on me from last night.
"I suggest you stop, Erwin. You're pissing me off."
The pecks paused so the same lips could let out a confused, "What?"
I shook my head, deciding against explaining myself. I decided long ago that I
never wanted a romantic partner, meaning I never intended on seeing Erwin like
that. I don't know why I was expecting him to react any differently right now.
Of course he wouldn't ask me what was wrong and talk to me, he'd just fuck it
out of me, just like I fucked all his problems out of him.
Sometimes, I wish our relationship was more than humorous insults, drunk talks
and sex. Don't get me wrong, that's a great relationship to have, but after a
year of it, it gets stale, especially when that same person doesn't want the
relationship—that was a pathetic excuse of one from the start—to be known by a
soul. In other words, he was ashamed of whatever we did have together.
I guess a part of me was conceited enough to believe that Erwin might have seen
me differently, that maybe he did have deeper feelings hiding somewhere—but
those ideas were probably conceived from all the generic kindness and mind-
blowing sex. I mistook the gestures as something more.
I never took a second to really think about how I felt or how he actually felt.
Even if I couldn't return any feelings now, maybe I would build some up in the
distance future. That's something I subconsciously wanted to happen, but never
admitted due to not believing such a crazy idea myself. It was such a stupid
thing to hope for, wasn't it?
I like Erwin. I even respect the nut for what he does, but like I pondered last
night, I was fluent in the way he carried himself, meaning it was all so
painful predictable. Maybe I was just getting old, but meaningless sex—although
it does the trick while it's happening—might not be enough for me. What if
I did want something more out of this relationship? How would he handle that?
I slouched my face down into my palms. What the fuck am I even thinking. Maybe
I'm just worn out. Maybe that's where these thoughts are coming from. Since
when did I need emotional connection with someone? Wasn't it always just about
sex in the end? Well, that's all I've ever know, really, if you exclude my
friends who were the only people I actually had a connection with without the
need of sex to fuel the relationship. That's the type of connection I thought I
had with Erwin (or would have eventually), but now I wasn't so sure.
All this time, even after all my efforts of convincing myself otherwise, in the
end I did actually have feelings for Erwin, didn't I? What a fucking
realization.
I swallowed hard, probably in an attempt to wash down the words that threatened
to be heard. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure." The word breezed up against the nape of my neck and I closed my eyes as
I said something I will surely regret.
"I know we've touched this subject in the past, but I just need to confirm." I
combed my bangs back with a deep inhale. "What exactly am I to you?"
The room became unbearably quiet for minutes that ticked by like hours. I knew
the fucking answer, why did I ask?
"You're someone I selfishly take advantage of."
"What kind of fucking answer is that?" What answer was I expecting? That was
the real question. This is why I buried emotions. It's so much easier than
dealing with them directly.
"I can't say 'I love you' or anything like that—if you want honestly, then all
I can say is I care about your well-being and I think you're an incredibly
strong person, but I am ashamed of the choices you make. You could do so much
better, but you've succumbed to a questionable way of life. I know it's not
entirely your fault. You were dealt a fair share of bad hands in life, but I'm
disappointed you don't try to better yourself when you have opportunities."
His hand that was previously cupping my shoulder was brushed off me violently.
I cocked my neck around and eyed him directly. "You need to realize those
aren't your choices to make. You may have authority over your men on the
battlefield that will jump into a Titan's mouth if you give the order, but you
don't have any control over me. Besides—I didn't ask for your opinion on my
life. I wanted to know how you seen me, not how you want to see me."
"You wanted the truth, and I gave it to you. That's how I think of you."
"So you pity me and think I'm stupid for not following your commands." I shook
my head stiffly in disbelief. What is he trying to say? He wouldn't be ashamed
of me if I was an entirely different person than I am now? I know my lifestyle
is filthy and crooked, but that's how I was raised. That's what molded me into
the person I am today—it wasn't an accomplishment, but that was all I had. And
he wanted me to just get rid of it all? I'd have nothing left if I did that.
"Levi, listen. You know I care about you a lot and I'd do anything to help you.
My intention wasn't to anger you, I just didn't want to feed you bullshit."
I turned my head forward and never looked back. "Well you failed. Get the fuck
out."
A defeated sigh later, I heard the rustling noise of Erwin getting dressed and
leaving without another word. I sat on the edge of the bed for a long while in
pure silence. I held my head throbbing with a headache. About an hour passed
and I couldn't even remember why I was so pissed off, yet the feeling didn't
subside.
I wasn't meant to ever get close to others. I should have learned that lesson
after I lost my parents. I get too fucking attached, regardless of my efforts
not to. Then when they leave me, I'm left behind feeling more and more
hopeless. Sometimes it feels like people enter my life just so they can be
taken away from me.
Eren yawned into my room without knocking and his heavy stomps against the
floor triggered a greater ache to consume my head.
"Good morning."
"Get. Out."
"Oh so cold." He wasn't fazed even slightly. "Since you're up I might as well
get this over with. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry."
I looked up in time to see him fiddling with his fingers. "What did you do this
time?"
"N-Nothing! I was apologizing for last night." He threw his palms up, waving
them frantically. "I know I was being really immature and dumb. You have every
reason to be mad at me."
"It's fine. I don't care anymore." I returned my sight back into my lap,
watching my balled hands practically tear the fabric of my robe.
"You okay?"
"I'm fantastic. Can you leave now?"
Eren, as usual, had a habit of doing the complete opposite of what I said and
plopped himself next to me on the bed, studying me carefully. Cornering a
glance on him, his bottom lips dropped a little, but I could tell he was trying
to keep his emotions blank. "Where'd all those marks come from?"
Why must he be so observant. Fussily, I rejoined my robe over my shoulders and
covered my neck far enough to cover my frown. Instead of Eren persisting on the
subject, he flopped his head against my shoulder and sighed obnoxiously. "I
don't know what you're sulking about, but I can tell you that there's better
days ahead. A nice guy like you will be rewarded eventually. I promise."
"Your stupidity is flattering."
He stuck his tongue out at me with a bratty squint, but his expression lighted
up when he stood and grabbed hold of me with a warm hand. "Come on, I'll make
you breakfast."
If only Eren knew I called him stupid in situations like this to hide the fact
I found him incredibility smart. It's almost pathetic how a twelve year old boy
can read me and know the prefect thing to say while I'm upset but a grown man
I've been physically intimate with for a year now can't. I know Erwin didn't
mean any harm—just an ounce of "tough love" perhaps, but he could be so ice
cold sometimes. Perhaps that's how he manages his position in the Survey Corps.
He probably lost his heart a long time ago.
Something Erwin doesn't realize is when someone is pissed off, they don't
always want the harsh truth. It's best to be gentle with your words and let
honesty shine when both parties have a clear head. Besides, I didn't want the
truth he gave me, I just wanted to know how he felt—if he even had any feelings
for me to begin with.
I've been drowned by his two personalities for a year now, I guess I just got
the wrong impression about him—I thought he seen me as something more and the
fact that it even bothered me that he didn't annoyed me to no end. To be frank,
I'm disappointed in myself.
"Where's Mikasa?" After walking through the living room and the kitchen, the
two places she'd normally dwell, I came to the conclusion she wasn't here.
"Oh, she went out shopping. She also said she's hunting for another part-time
job for us too, so she might be gone for a while."
I sank back into the dinning chair. "You kids never listen. I said you didn't
need to work to earn your keep. And I believe I already made it clear that I
don't want you guys going out without me."
"It's fine, we used to go on errands all the time by ourselves back in
Shiganshina."
"This isn't the Shiganshina District. From the outside it might seem peaceful
with all the nobles around, but it's not safe for kids to wander around alone."
Eren set a cup of coffee in front of me and was smart enough to leave it black
so I could add my own amount of sugar to it.
"You should give us more credit, we're tough. We can handle ourselves in a
bind."
". . . . . ." I sipped silently.
It's not that I didn't think they were capable of running simple errands alone,
I just didn't trust this neighborhood. I grew up here and had nothing but one
bad experience after another. People liked to prey on those who looked weak,
meaning kids were a main target. I was what you'd call a tough kid too, but
that didn't change the fact that I was often victimized.
Eren hummed as he searched the kitchen, pulling out enough ingredients that
would feed a family of ten. "Most of this stuff is going to go bad soon, so I
might as well use it up. I hope you don't mind having a big breakfast."
"I'm not actually hungry, so good luck eating it all yourself."
Before I knew it, Eren was standing in front of me, his hand on his hip with a
low scolding gaze. "Don't think I haven't noticed you barely eating lately." He
closed his concerned eyes and scoffed. "Honestly, this is why you're so short.
It's a lack of nutrition!"
"If you haven't noticed, I'm taller than you."
"And if you haven't noticed, I'm twelve." He spun back around to the stove,
leaving me thinking about his lecture.
Maybe...he's right. Probably all those damn sweets I ate when as a teenager
stunt my growth. I didn't have much choice though, I had to eat whatever I
could and you can't exactly get healthy meals while living on the street.
While thinking this, Eren had whipped up the first batch of breakfast and sat
down, devouring his plate as I stared at mine.
"See, this is why I'm going to be taller than you in a few years." He said
while chewing a mouthful. "I actually eat right, unlike you. When I fully hit
puberty I will grow like a weed."
"Keep telling yourself that. Just letting you know, I was taller than you by
the time I was your age. Let that sink in."
"So, what," he paused to swallow, "did you stop growing at thirteen or
something?"
He chuckled at his own joke and I kicked his shin under the table.
I did stop growing at thirteen.
"What the heck was that for? I'm just saying the truth! My parents were tall,
so that means I will be too!"
"My father was over six foot and my mother was considered tall for a woman." I
said simply.
". . . . . ." He gave me a petrified stare. This was a sight of a broken man
that just lost his last shred of hope. "T-That doesn't mean anything..."
"Yes it does. It means you can't go by genetics."
Angrily, he started shoving food into his mouth. At this rate if he doesn't
outsize me in height, he will in weight. "Just you watch, I'll be a Titan
compared to your size in no time!"
"Yeah okay Titan-boy. Go wipe your mouth."
We ate quietly after that, only breaking the silence when Eren would pester me
about not eating enough. I would have found it annoying, but it was almost
sweet hearing the be kid so attentive.
"Oh Levi! I just realized something! It's New Years Eve!"
"Is that right?" I wasn't even aware of the date to be honest, but it would
surely be one to cherish once the new year officially came and brought a storm
with it.
"We should stay up until midnight and celebrate!"
"Looks like you and Mikasa will be the only ones celebrating, I have work
tonight."
Funny how every time I mentioned work, his cheeks would glow red and he'd
stutter like an idiot. "T-That's too bad..."
I moved on from the topic when something occurred to me too. "The last thing
you should be thinking about is celebrating. Don't think I forgot about the
disgusting wasteland you call a bedroom. You better clean it up when you're
finished eating."
"Hmm, alright, I'll do it. But what do I get in return?"
"...You get to keep your bones unbroken." Was he really expecting a reward for
keeping his room tidy? Wasn't that suppose to be a given? Judging by the
twinkling look in his eyes, he had something specific in mind.
"Real funny—but I'm serious. I want a reward, the kind you can only get on New
Years."
"And what is that, exactly?" I wasn't saying yes or no, I was simply curious
about what he was rambling on about.
"I know you're going to say no, but please just hear me out—I want a New Years
kiss."
"No."
"I knew it..." Disappointed, he stabbed his remaining food with his fork, then
mumbled, "What about on the cheek... That's like a family kiss..."
". . . . . ."
He perked up, smiling like a cocky bastard as he sung out: "You're thinking
about it~"
I sighed and swallowed the rest of my coffee that had now chilled. "I'll tell
you what, if you clean the whole house top to bottom and there isn't a single
speck of dust anywhere by the time I come back from work, then I'll do it."
"Really?! It's a deal!" His cheeks dusted with a pink hue and I immediately
felt bad, because his efforts would be in vain. There was no way he'd get the
house that clean, only I was capable of that. But who knows, the brat often
surprised me. I guess we'll just have to see how badly he wants this 'new years
kiss'.
                                      ~x~
Just two hours before the clock hands hit midnight and brought on the new
shitty year, I was finishing up my first routine down at the club. It's been a
busy night, the whole joint was packed beyond capacity and I was sure that the
bars supply of liquor would be dried out by the end of my shift. New Years Eve,
for some people, meant partying and getting shit-faced and it was an added
bonus if you could do all that along with watching complimentary dancers.
I've already had my fair share of booze tonight—the moment I walked in, I
ordered a few shots of my favorite brand of vodka and had a couple mugs of beer
as I got ready backstage.
When I looked in the mirror, I curled my lip in disgust. Not that this wasn't
something out of the ordinary that should be pointed out; I hated seeing my
reflection, that was nothing new. But my focus was on all the marks coating my
body, left over from Erwin's rough-handling last night. I didn't really care
what those low lives out there thought about me, but for the sake of any
dignity I had left, I decided to at least cover my bruised-up neck with the
cravat since that's where I took the most damage.
The rest of my body wasn't half as bad; just a few bites and hickies here and
there. But if I had to keep my jacket on to cover them up, my tips would surely
suffer and the crowd would whine. I was having none of that.
I took my time on stage tonight. I wasn't in a rush to leave like usual. My
performance wasn't the wild, fast pace show I'm known for. I didn't do any
impressive spins or balancing acts. I just let my body find a rhythm it was
comfortable with and went with it. Besides, I was far too drunk to pull off my
common stunts, but I didn't hear any complains.
Over the course of time that I've been working here, my regular customers
caught on that I liked to smoke on stage, so they'd often leave my favorite
brand of cigarettes on the stage for me. I scissored one between two fingers
and crawled to the end of the stage. After setting it between my lips, it only
took a brief moment for a number of lighters to appear and ignite my cigarette
at once. Pathetic how much they try to impress me even though I'll never regard
anything but their money.
Taking a deep drag, I centered my gaze on the red glowing ash slowly burning
the paper and then rolled to my back. The thick smoke floating around me
shifted with my body as I did.
I wrapped my legs around the pole and used it to sweep myself across the floor.
Shifting up to my knees, I thrusted my pelvis into the pole, swinging my hips
as I did. I propped out my ass and teased it in front of all the perverts
skirting around me. Since it's such a busy night, I intend to take full
advantage of it and earn a good paycheck tonight.
But it seems that I rewarded them too much because someone just had to ruin the
fun for everyone.
Followed my a cheering "Woo!" was a quick spank on my ass.
I tried. I tried so fucking hard to keep my hands clean tonight, but it looks
like I'll have to mop up the floor with the poor bastards blood who dared to
touch me.
With the pole as an aid, I lifted myself up and turned around, directly eying
my customers for the first time this evening. Some of them shrunk back, either
they were handsy victims of the past that knew the consequences, or they were
there to bear witness to what I'm capable of when the rule about touching the
dancers was broken.
But no one died tonight, because when I saw my refection in two lenses, my rage
turned into curiosity. I knelled into a perch, not feeling a tad bit ashamed,
and poked her forehead.
"What're you doing here, shitty-glasses?" I slurred.
"I'll explain later! Keep shaking that booty!" Hanji roared and smacked bills
down on the stage eagerly.
If I wasn't drunk, this 'new customer' might have rattled me, but then again,
this was Hanji; someone who knew a number of things I actively tried to hide.
"Where you the one who touched my ass?"
"...It just looked like it was begging to be spanked." There wasn't an ounce of
shame on her face or tone.
"Oi, how come she can touch you but when I do I get kicked in the face?" A
customer in the back shouted.
"Yeah!" A few guys agreed in sync.
"This is why I prefer the other strippers," one man started, "they actually
strip down to the bone and let you do whatever you want if you got the cash.
Levi's just a fucking cock-tease."
"Oh shut up already," Hanji darted her head back to the crowd. "Levi is a
classy man, you're all just mad because you wish you could get a piece of that
ass!"
"I already did, bitch."
"Me too."
"Same there."
"I fucked him three times already."
". . . . . ."
After the murmurs of confessions silenced, Hanji threw a look up at me, her
glasses set at the end of her nose. "...Seriously Levi? You won't let them
touch you during a show but you'll screw them? You have weird priorities."
"In my defense, that was years ago. These assholes are bringing up ancient
history."
"That's not what you said last month."
As classy as possible, I kicked the bragger square in the face and hoped off
the stage. I locked my arm with Hanji. "I need another drink."
"You seem buzzed enough, you can barely can walk."
I paused my stride and lifted my foot. "Have you ever tried walking gracefully
in heels this high while drunk? Shits impossible."
"Whoa, you gotta teach me how to walk in heels!" She squealed over the chatter
as we approached the bar. "I'm not fully a woman if I don't learn! Please
Levi!"
"Stop begging me before I even give a damn answer. It's annoying."
She sat down on the stool, calming down a bit. "Does that mean you'll teach
me?"
"No." I sat beside her and waved my hand at the bartender. "Shot of
vodka...wait, no. Just give me a mug of it."
"You're so cruel. It makes me wonder why you have so many fans." She puffed out
her cheeks and pouted. If I can learn how to walk in heels myself, she can to.
Heels sucked anyways—it made me wonder why girls willingly wore them. The only
reason I bothered wearing them at work was because they somehow made it easier
to pull off my tricks. Had no idea why, though. Maybe it was the height
advantage or something.
"They're not fans, they're perverts."
"Still...you seem close to them all." She nudged me with a wink, trying to be
playful about it but she had no way of knowing that it was a touchy subject for
me.
I nursed my drink when it was set before me. "I only slept with them for money.
I don't even know their names. Besides, I wasn't lying when I said it happened
years ago. Except that one asshole—let's just say it was a slow night and my
rent was due in the morning."
"Hey, no need to explain. There's no judgment coming from me. We all do what he
need to get by. Sleeping with people for money isn't half as bad as what I do."
I needed to be drunker to hear this. I slugged down a massive gulp. "I'm almost
afraid to ask because I know you're into some pretty weird shit—"
"No need to ask because I'm telling you anyways!" She turned the volume of her
voice down and came in close to my ear with a whisper. "I sell organs to the
black market."
"I knew it."
"Ehh?!" She entered a mode of utter distress. Her arms flapped around
frantically. "Is it that obvious?!"
"Nah. It's just when I first met you, I was under the impression that you were
going to cut out my organs and sell them."
She nodded with a smirk, looking away longingly. I'm not going to lie, that
look freaked me out.
"If you died from that fall I would have. Or even if you just got slight brain
damage. I'm not that picky—why waste good organs? That's always the best case
scenario because the organs are nice and fresh and not coming from a rotten
corpse that's been dead a while." Casually, as if she didn't just tell me she
intended to sell parts of me, she threw her head back and chugged down some
rum. "Uwa~! That's the stuff!"
Let's just hope that heat staining her cheeks wasn't a blush and was just the
booze fevering her skin.
"You're full of surprises, Hanji."
"Says the one that was just shaking his ass on stage. Why didn't you tell me
you worked here? I would have loved to watch your performances!"
"Wait. Let's back up a second. Did you know I was here or did you just stumble
in here by chance?"
She gulped down the rest of her rum in a hurry and coughed in reply. "Oh,
right. Eren told me."
I choked right along with her and the booze almost squirted from my nose. That
stung like a bitch. "What?"
She laughed, smacking her fist on the counter. Looks like she gets drunk even
faster than me. "He's such a cute kid, I swear." She looked up in recall,
grinning. "I had no one to celebrate New Years with, so I had nothing better to
do and went over your house. I knew you were working but I thought I'd keep the
kids company. We talked a while and I asked about your job and out of no
where Eren just blurs out that you're a stripper and recited the way to the
club like he had it memorized or something, hahaha!"
I can just imagine him standing there, sweating like an idiot and stuttering
with his skin dyed red. There's not a doubt in my mind that said he didn't run
into the bathroom after being reminded of my occupation.
Before I could mentally tease the hormonal fool further, my thoughts were
replaced with the memory of him sleeping soundly in my bed. Eren and I took a
nap together earlier because I woke up far too early and needed one in order to
survive work tonight and he was set on the idea of staying up all night.
The look of disappointment on his face was down right depressing when Mikasa
informed him that he'd be celebrating on his own she didn't want to ruin her
sleep schedule. At least Hanji gave him some company for a while—it probably
lifted his spirits a bit.
"So long story short, I thought I'd pop by and see ya'."
"Well, you're welcome here, just don't touch my ass again."
"No promises."
Hanji and I ordered another round and as we waited for our drinks, she let
another chuckle pour from her. "Eren is a real character though, I'll tell ya'.
The whole time I was there, he never sit still for a second! He kept cleaning
the whole house like a maniac!"
I cupped my palm under my cheek, humming in my throat thoughtfully. Looks like
he's really working for the bet we established. My mind didn't dwell on it long
and simply set it to the side as a future failure on his part. My thoughts
drifted to Hanji, thinking it was strange that an exciting individual like her
didn't have anyone other than bratty kids to hang out with on New Years
Eve—then again, I didn't either. We went on to talk about the kids more and
after a while, the conversation drifted to one less pleasant—one I really
didn't want to touch right now.
"That reminds me. About earlier—I'm sorry if I caused you and Erwin any
trouble, he looked kind of ticked off by the time I was leaving..."
"It had nothing to do with you at all. Nothing to apologize for. It's a problem
between him and I." I could never place the blame on Hanji for something like
that. For starters, it was my fault for even leading her to my room while
knowing he was there, but for one, I was half asleep and two, I saw Hanji as a
friend so I figured he wouldn't mind. I was wrong and got offended over a rule
I already knew.
The night before I let lust conquer my mind and I got the impression that he
was starting to loosen up about the strict rule of keeping me concealed from
his personal life. Even so, it all came down to both his and my own fault.
To put it simply, I was too sensitive and he wasn't sensitive enough.
She stared at me for a while, questions painted all over her. Just as I easily
glimpsed into her mind, she did the same and read my evident stress. "You guys
didn't break up, right?"
I chortled into my glass bitterly. "We were never together to begin with. We
just hook up, that's all. I think we just need a break from the routine, is
all."
"I see. So you're friends with benefits, huh." She locked her fingers together.
"You really have no special feelings for him? None at all?"
I stared into the pit of my glass drearily. "No."
I wasn't even fucking sure anymore about my feelings anymore. Lately they've
all been so messy and unorganized and it made me want to peel out of my own
skin. Last I checked, I feared that Erwin might fall in love with me, but here
I am sulking because he made it clear he wasn't. How can I figure out the truth
that's hiding under all this disorder?
Did I have feelings for him all this time, but lied to myself?
Was I pouting over my bruised ego that got trampled when I realized he didn't
want to be seen with moi? Yet, didn't actually care for him romantically?
Maybe I was disappointed because I wanted him to fall for me just so I could
break his heart and be the cold bastard I've always been.
There was so many possibilities, but I had no way of knowing which was the
right combination that would unlock the truth. I usually can read others like a
book, but I couldn't read myself and that was a scary thing.
There's only one thing I could be 100% about. Erwin was special in one sense
for sure: he was the first man (or woman) I was ever completely consensual
with. Everyone else I slept with was over money or drugs, which meant I didn't
actually want them and merely used my body as a tool. Or in my darker times,
I'd be forced completely against my will.
But with Erwin, there was nothing else involved in our affairs. He didn't pay
me and even though he could be overwhelmingly rough at times, he never forced
me and would stop in the middle of sex if I wanted him to.
If I really wanted to sound like a sappy drunk, I guess Erwin could be
considered "my first" since we both had sex just to make each other feel good;
what sex was meant to be and no other motives were involved. Maybe this is why
my emotions for him were so raveled. I always tried to convince myself that I
wasn't the sentimental type, but lately I'm realizing that's just another lie I
tell myself.
I freed my dread with a sigh. "Why are you even involved in my sex life?"
She meant to point at me, but her elbow missed the counter and she nearly fell
off the stool, I just watched the pathetic display motionlessly. Finally, she
climbed back up with the aid of my arm. "Because every gay man needs a
girlfriend to talk to about their sex life. It's practically the law."
"Who said I was gay?"
She gave me a dubious look over her glasses. "Well you did take the commander's
dick up your ass and slept with nearly every man in this room."
Well if you put it thatway than of course it sounds gay.
"I like woman too." The liquids in my glass swished as I tilted my drink around
thoughtfully. "But I just find men more...appealing in a sexual sense, I guess.
Though, the one thing a man is missing is tits. That's the only thing that
keeps them from being perfect and it's fucking depressing because tits are
great."
"I think everyone can agree that tits are amazing, but come to think of it,
Erwin seems to have a nice rack."
"His chest is bigger than yours so I think you may be right about that." I took
a sip to hide the laugh building up and washed it down. "Now that I think about
it, you're my ideal type, Hanji. You have tits and a dick. It's the best of
both worlds. We should hook up, for scientific purposes." I added that last
hook to convince her further. The bait is set. Now we wait for a bite.
"No can do~ I'm saving myself for my boyfriend."
"Boyfriend...? Ew. You didn't look like the steady type." Honestly, I wanted to
say that she seemed too busy with her twisted hobbies to have time for a
relationship. That was unexpected news though, really.
"Well I am! You're not the only one that has a thing for someone in the Survey
Corps."
What is it, the Gay Corps? How many more gays make up that fraction? Well, I
suppose her boyfriend isn't gay—Hanji is a woman, but there was the lingering
fact that she still had a penis, so it was still a little gay. I was curious
now, so I asked her who she was seeing, but she still didn't bite.
"Come on, I told you about Erwin."
Her lips quivered, like she couldn't hold back the secret any longer. "Ah okay,
I'll tell you!" That didn't take much effort. "I'm seeing Mike Zacharias!"
Now the entire club knew who she was dating.
I looked up, trying to match the name to the face. "Is that the really tall
blond one with the stubble?"
"That's the one! Isn't he handsome~?" She collapsed, her arms spread over the
counter as she blushed. "I really wanted to hang out with him tonight for New
Years, but he's so tired from the trip. I missed him so much too... It sucks."
"I heard it was a rough mission. Give him some time, you'll get to have
welcome-back-sex soon enough."
"Psh!" She spat and heaved herself back up. "I wish! We never even slept
together. Here's the problem, he doesn't know I'm transsexual yet."
"Yikes. That's gotta be rough."
"Tell me about it! I was going to hold off on sleeping with him until I had my
surgery, but I don't want to lie to him, you know?"
I nodded, agreeing with the latter. "Yeah don't do that. I think it's right to
be upfront about it. And if he doesn't accept you for who you are, then my
offer still stands. I'll make a real woman out of you, Hanji."
She smacked my shoulder with an embarrassed smirk. "Levi!"
Maybe this was just the alcohol talking, but I hoped the best for her and Mike.
The following conversation skimmed though some touchy subjects on her past, and
after hearing that's she's been rejected by so many people because of her
gender, she deserves to have a special person accept her. If not, I'll beat his
ass and sleep with his girl. It's a win-win. Well, for me at least.
We spent the rest of the night having a good time together. We talked some
more, drank some more and after Hanji requested eagerly, I went back on stage
for another routine. I was sloppier than usual since I was beyond drunk at that
point, but I gave her a hell of a performance and showed off all my moves. I
also made a ton of tips—more than I ever did in one night before.
Overall it was a great night, probably the most enjoyable one in a long time.
It gave me a chance to loosen up and not worry for a change. After a while, I
didn't think of Erwin or the kids or Maverick or my friends. I just let booze
swim through me and fill me with long forgotten oblivion.
It was sometime after five in the morning when Hanji and I said our slurred
goodbyes and staggered separate ways home. It must have snowed while we were in
the warmth of the club, because once again the pavements were covered in a
sheet of snow. I clicked my tongue; as if it wasn't hard to walk already. At
least my heels have been replaced with my normal boots and my heavy blazer
compensated for the sudden temperature drop.
I ruffled through my pockets, looking for a match to light the cigarette
dangling from my lips. With no finds in my pockets, I patted down my breast
pocket and found where the box of matches were stored—but there was no need for
it now that my cigarette had dropped from my mouth and landed in the freshly
fallen snow; my heart sank just as low with it.
My front door was open—no, my front door was bashed open.
My breathing halted. My heart did too. My brooding eyes fixated on the
incredulous scene.
All my joints malfunctioned; like a move of my leg really moved my arm and it
made it almost impossible to stumble forward. Everything felt inverted, even my
sight and I'm sure it wasn't just the lingering buzz. I finally tripped forward
into a wonky jog and with every step, I repeatedly hoped that my warping vision
was deceiving me.
Wood chips covered the threshold of the entrance from where the was door was
butchered to shreds. Pieces of the door crushed under my boot and I could
almost hear the crowbar splitting between the frame followed by the
earsplitting crack of the lock breaking.
My heart thumped in my chest as my disbelieving eyes scanned the foreign space
that was my living room.
The place is entirely trashed.
It's also freezing, telling me that the cold air from outside has been seeping
in for a while now.
Ambivalent scenarios entered my mind. Untenable explanations were drowned out
by rational, yet terrifying realizations that made me sicker and sicker until
the point I felt a gag clogged in my throat.
I'm alone. I could sense it. No one else is here and I was pretty damn sure I
was shaking when I realized this and it wasn't from the fucking temperature. I
wanted to scream just to break the deafening silence. I wanted to hear or feel
anything other than my own despondency or the devastating story stuck lingering
within these walls. I wanted to hear Eren's voice. I wanted to hear Mikasa's
voice. I wanted them to tell me they were okay. I wanted to see them. I wanted
to touch their warmth and feel their kindness.
A wire in my brain snapped at that very moment.
I need to fucking see them.
Desperately, my slow pace accelerated and finally matched my palpitating heart.
I ran straight into Eren's bedroom and flashed a glimpse into the room.
The place looked completely overturned and there was nothing but Eren's scent
left behind. I got the same results when I searched Mikasa's room.
My nostrils flared as I brisked toward my own room.
That's where they are.
They had to be there.
I recited this out loud over and over in unsteady breaths.
That's the only door in the house that was still shut. I held onto that hope
with every thread of my being. When I open the door, they'll both be there.
They'll tell me they're fine. Eren will greet me with a bratty remark and
Mikasa will roll her eyes at our petty quibbling like she always does.
Everything's fine. This was just a robbery—that's common. Thieves are
completely harmless around here. They just took what they wanted and left
without leaving scratch on anyone. Of course, Eren and Mikasa aren't hurt. Why
would I even think that? If anything they're just a little scared. This was the
case. It had to be. I had nothing to worry about. The kids probably ran to
safety. They were either in my room or went to a neighbors house or the police
headquarters to file a report.
That's right. Keep your head leveled. No need to get worked up. This wouldn't
be the first time you were robbed.
But that blissful reassurance was stolen away from me when I turned the knob of
my bedroom. It became clear that this was not a simple breaking-and-entering
shortly after I gained confidence in that idea.
Nothing was out of place; everything remained completely untouched in my room.
My guns where still here, my Maneuver Gear and the safe holding my savings were
intact. Everything was accounted for.
Except for the kids.
I checked every corner, every closet, every cabinet. I rechecked every room. I
tore the rest of the house apart in a pathetic attempt to find them. I must
have broken and destroyed everything in the process of my despairing search.
I abruptly stopped all movement and broke down on all the clutter beneath me.
My ragged breath couldn't be stabilize and my skin burned with a fever despite
the fog spilling out my mouth from the cold.
It soon became clear that whoever invaded my home wasn't after valuables. My
room would have been ransacked if that was the goal. All the goods they'd be
looking for would only be found there. Nothing else in the house
held any worth. They had no interest in even checking my room, which means they
found what they wanted elsewhere in the house.
This was the storm I anticipated.
Darkness invaded my gaze. The bridge of my nose wrinkling from unassigned
hatred. I battled against the clutter spread out on the floor from when I
tipped the dresser over. I cursed and screamed and threw everything violently
across the room. I bared teeth to all the shambles in my way until I found my
revolver.
With trembling hands, I loaded six bullets into the chamber and left the
nearly-demolished house behind.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Cliffhanger? Cliffhanger. >:)
***** Showdown *****
Chapter Summary
     With some help, Levi tracks down the people who kidnapped Eren and
     Mikasa. He has an emotional confrontation with the culprit; the one
     he believes is guilty of abducting the children and killing his
     friends. Him and Erwin are later forced to split up to save them, but
     for Levi, the plan drifts slightly off course.
Chapter Notes
     You guys might want to take a deep breath before reading this one.
     Emotions are just flying around left and right. This was such a
     nerve-racking chapter to write! :(
     On a happier note: the timeskip is coming, as promised, and I'm going
     to focus on Ereri's relationship 100% after this chapter, which means
     the plot is going to calm down too, so no more distractions! After
     all this chaos, they deserve some good ol' relationship development
     and romance for a while. Sound good? n_n
     Triggers: Mainly the usual; mentions of noncon, depression and drug
     addiction.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
The bloom of daybreak burned my swollen eyes. The frost building up on my
jacket melted from the heatwaves radiating from me. White noise rung in my ears
and all ambiance was blocked out. How I felt was far too dark for this bright
world; like a pair of a dead mans irises trapped around the sclera. This world
of white had no connection to my thoughts haunting my travels, but I kept
moving forward through this cruel, bright world.
Soon I was panting, I had run all the way to the central. I ran to the only
place I could think of running to. Out of breath, I halted in a daze.
A shaky breath later, I pounded on the door, one of the few doors in this world
that just might open for me. I continuously knocked until my knuckles bleed.
The ringing in my ears were cut silent by the reoccurring thuds.
The muteness of early morning kept me company as I waited and prayed for the
door to open. I was doing a lot of praying, now that I thought about it. I
don't know who or what I was praying to, but I knew who I was praying for.
Trying to keep my hands from trembling, I tried to cool my nerves with a smoke.
Cringing from an awful thought, my fist balled, crushing the lit cigarette in
hand. It extinguished on my palm, sizzling my skin. But the vicious ideas
running through my head were much more painful to bear.
Thankfully those thoughts screeched to a stop when the door clicked open by
someone freshly woken up. "Levi. What's going on? What happened?"
Erwin blinked his sleep away, his brows upturned down at me.
I stomped forward, forcing myself into the threshold and clutched his collar in
hand. I hissed a command though my teeth. "Go get dressed. You're coming with
me."
He tried to pry my shaking hand off him. "Whoa. Take it easy. Did—Did you take
some drugs?" He slammed his lids shut and tossed his head in disapproval at his
assumption. "Let me make you some coffee. It'll help you come down from your
high."
With a rousing temper, I twisted the fabric in my grasp, dragging him closer
and forcing his eyes to connect with mine. "I'm not on anything. The kids
are gone, Erwin. The kids are gone and I don't know where they are."
Taking a step in reverse like my words blew him away, his eyes expanded as far
as the gap between his lips. He trailed off nervously, "Now—let's not jump to
any conclusions. Maybe they just went out to play or something and forgot to
tell you—"
"God damnit, no. Fucking listen to me." I meant to hostility latch onto him
again and let my verbals do the rest of the abuse—but a sudden wave of hopeless
fatigue crushed me. All strength was lost in my arms and my palms limply
settled against his chest. With my head ducked, my hands remained there like I
wanted to pull him closer and push him away at the same time. I squeezed at his
shirt and looked up, my jaw tense. His lids fluttered on my rare features as my
eyes didn't bat a lash.
Instead of threatening him like I intended, my voice cracked and a plea slipped
from my quivering lips. "I came home to find my house completely trashed with
the no sign of the kids. I'm positive that they were kidnapped. Someone took
them. Do you fucking understand? If so, stop making me waste time that I don't
have and help me."
Erwin detected the desperation in my voice as I practically choked on my own
words.
I couldn't do this alone. I knew I needed some reliable back up and not only
did Erwin fit that roles requirements, but he was the only one I had right now.
I had no one else. Other than Hanji, but I'd never ask her for help again—not
after I nearly got her killed.
Erwin understood now, it was clearly written on him, that and the empathy in
his eyes told me he knew I was dead serious if I was reacting this way. I never
let my emotions carry me away over nothing—I wouldn't have come here, asking
for his help and showing him this desperate side to myself unless I
was completely sure.
He battled his thoughts for a moment; likely sorting though the risks involved
in aiding me his assistance. According to his expression, he lost; the morals
he miraculously still had outweighed his personal concerns. He spit out the
following quickly, "I'm in. I'll help you."
"Right answer." If he were to say no, I probably would've sent my frustrations
into my fist and let them out on his face. Now that I had some support, my
nerves calmed, but it was nearly unnoticeable. "It'll be slow on foot. Is your
Maneuver Gear ready for transport?" I asked, then cursed myself for not
strapping on my own before leaving the house in a heat of rage. Now more time
will be eaten away now that I have to go back to retrieve it.
I either spoke my concerns out loud without knowing or Erwin read my mind. I
couldn't tell either way. My reality was warped and I couldn't perceive what
way was up or down at this point.
"You can use mine. I have a spare. Give me a minute to get ready."
I cupped my hands over my nodding face as he breezed past me.
Staying still was impossible. Every minute that ticked by could mean the
difference between life and death for those children. I did anything to keep my
mind and jittery hands busy. I desperately tried to get another cigarette lit.
It would do nothing to calm my nerves, I knew that, but keeping my mind
occupied on a simple task stopped me from going on a full rampage as I
impatiently waited.
To add to the pain the ash left on me before, I bit the heel of my hand and
watched the blood trickle from the broken skin in an attempt to distract me
from the gruesome thoughts coming to me about Eren and Mikasa.
I wonder if they're bleeding too.
I wonder if they're shaking as much as I am.
I wonder if they they feel as hopeless as I do.
I prayed again, hoping my sick mind was coming up with these ideas on their own
and not latching onto a clairvoyance for what was in store for them.
I must have made thirty laps around the living room by the time Erwin returned,
fully geared up with power in his step. It looks like he was finally motivated
enough to know this was a dire situation and that we were currently losing the
score. We needed to be quick and ruthless if we wanted to catch up.
After I got ready, we rushed out the door and Erwin struggled to keep up with
my pace.
"We need to make a pit stop at the North District. I know a guy that could help
us track their whereabouts."
"Is he reliable?" Erwin jogged up to my side.
All I could offer him was an uncertain gaze. "Reliable enough. It beats tearing
the city apart looking for them. If his information is a bust, we'll just have
to go back to my house and look for clues or something." I spit, disgusted with
the aftertaste those words left on my tongue. The possibility of wasting more
time was enough to quicken my pace more so, leaving Erwin in the dust once
again.
Time is of the essence right now. Every second lost meant they could be getting
further away from me, or more abused or more drugged or raped again or even
killed.
No.
Stop thinking like that.
I'll get them back before anything like that happens.
If I let my emotions out, they'll consume me until I'm unable to move. Over the
years, if there were any lessons I learned and abode by, it was knowing my
emotions were my only weakness.
But the goal of keeping my emotions in check was broken once I met with the
information broker. This time, I wasn't asking him for information, I
was demanding him to tell me with nothing in return for him. I didn't have the
drugs he wanted in exchange and I sure as hell didn't have time for another off
course trip to the underground.
So, I resorted to bashing his head in with my boot in hopes of him giving up
and spilling everything. Erwin tried to pull me off him once it was clear I'd
kill him at this rate if he didn't cough up what I wanted to know soon, but one
arm holding me back didn't restrain me from unholstering my revolver and asking
again.
"Where the fuck is Maverick?" My glassy eyes reflected a crimson spark as I
cocked my gun.
"He's in the central," he spat out a tooth along with a clot of blood, "there's
a gated building about a block away from the city hall. There's a fountain and
statues out front, you can't miss it."
My shaky aim fell to my side. I holstered my gun and shook Erwin off me in a
way that sent him silent reassurance that I was cooling down. I kneeled beside
the man and offered to help him back to his feet by lending him my hand. "I'm
sorry. It's an emergency and I didn't have time—anyways, thanks."
A blood stained smirk was presented to me as he latched onto my hand. "You're
not the first to kick my ass and you won't be the last, but next time just tell
me there will be a rain check on my payment, will ya'?"
"Let's hope there won't be a next time—c'mon Erwin, we need to hurry."
"One last thing," we spun back to the man who was about to offer us more
insight than he had to, "Just a friendly warning, that place is his
headquarters. It's swarming with his goons. Only trusted members, his business
partners and sluts are granted access. Good luck."
                                      ~x~
All we managed to accomplish was waste a fuck ton of time. That place is
literally located a few blocks from Erwin's place. There was no way we would
have figured out his whereabouts on our own, though, so the detour was
necessary, but the irrational side of me was still pissed off for having to go
out of our way.
Erwin and I scouted out the place that matched the information brokers
description from the rooftops. Zooming my sight around the premises, I could
tell that his warning was correct; the place was surrounded by guards packing
heavy arms.
"This won't be easy." I muttered unconsciously as I wondered how to get inside
the place without drawing too much attention to ourselves.
"Levi—are you absolutely positive this is the guy that took Eren and Mikasa? I
can't imagine why a person who stays in a place like this would take up
abducting children as a hobby..."
"Trust me, it's him. He's also the one responsible for killing my friends. He's
a sick man, Erwin. He'd often kidnap people just so he could sell them into
slavery. He's no stranger to this kind of crime."
Erwin flicked his sight from our target destination and swallowed hard as he
blinked over to me. "How do you know all this? What's your connection with
him?"
I couldn't blame Erwin for wanting to be put in the loop, even if he was just
asking useless questions that weren't crucially relevant. But since he went as
far as having my back with this, I'll fill him in. "I used to roll with his
gang. A few days ago I learned that he's going to great extents to get me back.
He killed my friends as a warning and now he took my kids. He's trying to leave
me with nothing so I have no choice but to come back, or so he thinks."
Erwin simply bowed his head in mild understanding and his stern gaze fell back
to inspecting the layout. We were both wordlessly searching for a way in that
would draw the least bit attention so we could get in and out with the kids
back in our possession, or at least come up with a plan that didn't cause too
much confrontation, but realistically that might not be possible.
Unless...
Rifling though my head for a solution, the answer finally dawned on me.
"Fuck this, let's just go in through the front."
"Are you high? Well—I guess you confirmed you weren't earlier, but I don't
think that's a wise decision, Levi." An expected reply; my suggestion did sound
pretty nuts and at this point, it wouldn't be a surprising if Erwin thought I
lost my mind. He likely thought I lost some rationality due to my impatience,
but this plan will work. No, this had to work.
There was no other way around his dilemma in a timely manner and I wasn't about
to sit here trying to come up with some brilliant plan to eliminate room for
failure simply because failure wasn't an opinion no matter what route I chose.
To Erwin, being a few steps of ahead and knowing what to expect from carefully
planned strategies was a necessity for surviving outside the wall, but where
I'm from you go with what your gut is telling you and ram your horns right into
barrier in your way.
"Hear me out. He obviously pulled this stunt to lure me here. How much you
wanna bet he's holding them so he has something to negotiate with?" Now that I
was speaking out loud, it made more sense, and it seemed to have sparked Erwin
up to speed.
"So you're saying that he's just using them as your crutch, and that if you
tell him you'll rejoin his gang he'll hand them back, just like that? I don't
know...kidnappers are usually much more complicated than that."
"No, I know Maverick. He plays games and when he loses, he cheats like a
spoiled brat." A sudden sense of relief flowed through me. Yes. This is exactly
what he wants. I'm playing right into his hands by coming here, but I'll have
the winning deck in the end. "He wouldn't kill or sell the kids, not unless he
thinks there's still a chance at convincing me, or forcing me and using them as
a trade. He knows harming them wouldn't work on me now. He killed my friends
and I still refused to join him. You can't save the dead, so he figures if he
uses the kids as an exchange—the kids safety for my support—then I'll have no
other choice."
"It seems sensible, now that you put me in perspective. But I'm still confused
on why he'd go to such lengths to earn your support. Even if you did agree for
the sake of saving the kids, wouldn't he fear you'd betray him down the line?
Or does he still hold trust for you?"
I perched down to unbuckle my gear. There was no need to carry it around
anymore. I was going through with this, even though I still had doubts similar
to the ones Erwin was voicing. My mind was made up simply because time is
running out and that motivated me to settle on the first plan I came up with.
It wasn't without reason, of course, I strongly felt this was the correct
approach, but that doesn't eliminate the fact that it's risky and ill-prepared.
Right now, I didn't care about that. I was just going to go with this method;
the simplest and quickest strategy. If it fails, I'll have to come up with a
Plan B on the spot. It wouldn't be the first time I had to improvise.
The wind howled against me. The weather was harsh and I found it chillingly
fitting. I flicked my bangs back into place and gave a shrug. "I honestly
couldn't tell you. He's a hard person to read, but we have a lot of history—if
you can call it that. So I have a rough idea on how he operates."
I was once a puppet for him. He was able to control me fully and there might be
a sick part of him that thinks he could get me back to that state again—that
state I luckily turned my back on and scowled at now. For once, I could say I
was above the lowest pit a person could sink to. Even if I was barely keeping
my head above the filth, I was still a better person now than I was back then.
Looking back, I loathed that person; I couldn't even identify him as myself.
That person who stood beside Maverick as his right hand man, who had a
sickening persona in secret, was so far gone that you couldn't even feel sorry
for him.
This is why it's still so painful to look in the mirror; I still see that
person. I still see the nasty thing that possessed me; it wasn't even close to
human. I was just a mindless machine that questioned nothing with no soul
inside. I did anything for selfish desires. I was something other than human.
Something disgusting and every day I rotted more and I couldn't even find the
will to care. I got used to the stench of myself decaying; that was the most
unnerving part.
Those kids, Eren and Mikasa, had their fair share of rough times already, but
they still have a chance. A chance to live a normal life and recover. I was a
lost cause. Even though I climbed out of the muck I was once submerged in while
in the North gang, I was still empty to this day because of it. The reason I
resorted to that lifestyle in the first place was because I never got any help.
I needed an escape from the pain, even if that meant hurting myself or others.
But I'm going to help those kids. Even if it gets me fucking killed in the
process; I will make sure nothing happens to them ever again after this. Of
course, that was an empty promise. I couldn't protect them from everything this
cruel world wanted to throw at them, but I was almost mad enough right now to
pledge a secret oath to that promise. I wanted it to become my obligation to
keep them safe. That's the reality I wished for.
I'd be damned if I see a new generation turn down the road I did. Those kids
were no different from me when I was their age. They're confused, they're
naïve, they're scared and all they want is someone to fucking care about them.
It's a simple wish, and a common one at that. Every person wants and deserves
that, yet it's so hard to find during desperate times. Especially when you're a
lost child facing the world alone.
I know I can't offer much, and I can be a total prick to both of them on
purpose, but I can give them them all the attention I could muster up. If their
father is never found, I will raise them. I will raise them the best I can. It
wouldn't be a glamorous life, but it would be better than them becoming
soulless shells that faced constant difficulties that challenged their own
morals.
I don't know the first thing about taking care of kids; I didn't even have my
own parents' teachings to look back on, but I'll do it. All the struggles we
would endure together would be worth it in the end. It sure as hell beats
letting those kids turn out to be like that monster that once possessed me. You
never return from it. Even if you don't act like a monster anymore, there's no
erasing the past or your disgusting reflection. Once it happens, that's it. And
it will happen if no one steps up for them.
If I don't save them, no one else will and if they don't get killed, they'll be
used and abused just like I was. I don't ever want to imagine Eren without that
lively glow in his eyes, or the way Mikasa smiles at him like he's the most
precious gift this ugly world has to offer. I don't want them to lose those
expressions and be like me where it's a struggle just to smile. It's no way to
live and I'll be damned if I let those kids lose those beautiful smiles
forever.
We approached the gate and idled beside it. With Erwin at my side and my head
high, I tried to mask the anxiety building up. I was sure this would work, but
Maverick wasn't stupid. He always had tricks up his sleeve. That's what shook
my nerves the most. He could have another motive, but I tried to hide those
uncertainties when the man guarding the gate spoke to me.
"This property is off-limits. Move along."
"I'm here to speak with Maverick. He's expecting me."
"Bullshit. I was never informed. Maverick is busy today, he wouldn't have any
visitors."
"Go tell him Levi is here."
The man grumbled slurs under his breath, then turned his dirty look off me and
lumbered toward the building with his rifle rested on his shoulder. As we
waited, Erwin and I exchanged glances in spurts. We were walking on a thin wire
right now. This only had two outcomes: one that would benefit me, and one that
would benefit Maverick. Since we were in his domain, it's hard not to fear the
latter.
The guard returned with a milder expression than before. "Sorry to keep you
waiting. I didn't know you were one of us. Please come in." My heart thumped in
my chest and I gave it my all to keep the surprise hidden as he unlocked the
gates and pushed them open.
I stepped in, but Erwin was halted in place. The man pressed him back with his
arm. I huffed at the stall in time.
"He said you were allowed in, he said nothing about this guy."
I rolled my eyes and poked my temple. "Use your head. If I'm one of you guys,
and he's with me, that means he's trusted."
The idiot scratched his head, then backed off Erwin. "Right, right. Sorry."
That was almost too easy. No wonder Maverick is so desperate to get me back;
all his other men are complete morons. It's a mystery how he became so
successful with men like this at his side.
With the guard leading the way, we traveled through the complicated layout of
the building until we paused before double doors at the end of a dark hallway.
The only light seeping in was from a dirty window that was half boarded up. It
should be noted that the outside didn't match up with the interior—it was
utterly filthy in here; the air reeked of mold and spider nests were housed in
every corner. The wooden floor boards below my boots had been indulged on by
termites and looked to have never met a broom before.
"He's right in here, in his office." The man knocked on the door and
disappeared down the hall. After an enchanting 'come on' I took a needed breath
and told Erwin to stay put outside the door with his ears peeled. I told him if
things go sour I might need his assistance. He nodded firmly and some pressure
freed from me as I turned the knob.
"It's about time you showed up. I was just thinking about how much of a cold
bastard you were, but it looks like you proved me wrong." With his hands folded
behind him, he twisted around to me. The melted half of his face looked just as
disgusting as his cocky smile.
"Where are the kids." I didn't bother adding a questioning intonation—I wasn't
asking really, it was an order.
He huffed, playfully acting out the part as someone who was disappointed. "You
were never one for foreplay—you always want to cut right to the good stuff. But
let's not make this unnecessarily complicated, alright?"
My lungs felt like they were being crushed—I tried to let a deep inhale in
through my nostrils, but all I managed was a few sharp respites like when a
bull sees red.
Judging by his reaction, it's safe to assume he is indeed behind their
kidnapping, but based on his casual front, they were safe, for now. I'll play
his game for the time being if I must.
"By the way, tell your friend I said thanks for this hideous fucking scar on my
face."
"I will. She did a good job at improving half of your ugly face, at least."
He blew out a chortle confidently, "Funny, you didn't think I was ugly back
when you used to bend over for me."
"Think about it, why do you think I was faced the other way?"
"Ooh, someone's in sass mode today."
On second thought, I don't think I could endure his game after all. "Just give
me the fucking kids back."
"Oh Levi, Levi. What's the rush? We haven't had the chance to hang out in ages.
Sit down, have a drink. Take a load off, or get a load out; I got plenty of
hookers downstairs that you're welcomed to." He paused there and licked his
lips knowingly. "...Or would you rather a hit? I know it's been a long time,
you must be craving it, aren't you? I can get some for you. We can have some
fun, like the good ol' days."
Figures he would offer me drugs. That was the only foundation that held up our
relationship back then. He likely read me for the person I really was the
moment I met him, and knew I'd never stay loyal and agree with his way of
operating in a sober state.
That's why he dosed me up to the point I was a mindless slave. Back then, I was
a machine to him and the only way my gears kept turning was if he kept me
charged.
During the initiation ceremony of joining the gang, he offered me a hit of some
rare, potent shit. He said I had a stick up my ass that needed loosening and
the drugs would help with that. I didn't see the harm and I wanted to make a
good impression since I held high hopes for the gang at the time. And so, I
snorted the addicting substance with little care, thinking of it as an
experiment.
But all it took was one hit to get me hooked—to the drug and hooked to him; the
only one who could supply the substance to me. I'm sure my brain even suffers
to this day from how much he used to dose me up like I was some animal to
experiment on and abuse for laughs.
It got to the point I was an addict and did nearly anything for more hits. In a
way, you can say that he had me fully brainwashed. I would take risky jobs, I'd
lend my assistance in torturing his enemies. There's more, but even I'm scared
to search too deeply into that dark time of my life. I might just pull out
something dangerous and not know how to lodge it back into the hidden crannies
of my brain.
Thank God I sobered up before I ended up doing anything dangerous to other
parties, like that job he offered me. Along with the risky and questionable
jobs, though, I did other stupid things, like sleeping with Maverick. It was
anything but intimate, though. To him and a few of his men, I earned the title
of the gangs whore and I was fine with the degrading title so long as he kept
drugs in my system. He'd make me do filthy things that I couldn't even bear to
reflect on.
More people became involved in these sessions once he got bored with playing
with me alone. Some came to watch, some came to join or some were there just
for the endless supply of drugs with the complimentary train-wreck of a show of
myself bare of any pride.
He had sick kicks but since I was high off my ass, I went with it. The memories
of it now made me cringe. I hated the person I was back then. I hated many
versions of myself throughout my life, but that was when I finally hit rock
bottom. With the help of my friends, I luckily managed to claw myself back up
again.
When I think about it, I should have never got insulted by what Eren said to
me. I was just a trashy skank; he hit right on the mark and was just being
truthful. Adults should praise kids for telling the truth. At least he's a good
judge of character; he read me perfectly. That will help him later on in life.
Even though the memory of Eren's words weren't pleasant, the tone still chanted
through me like a heavenly choir and all I wanted was to hear that voice again.
I had enough of this pointless chit-chat. I wanted to see them and know they
were safe. I wanted to take them somewhere safe, far away from monsters like
the one in front of me. In fact, wasn't it essential to slay monsters that hurt
people without reason in this world?
Yes. That's right. In this world you have to kill the evil before it devours
you first.
Lashing out my revolver hidden beneath my jacket up until now, I pointed it
right at this monsters head. Disappointment evoked me; I wasn't granted the
fearful gaze I was wishing for—Maverick simply aimed that arrogant smirk back
at my gun, like I was a child holding a plastic toy.
Monsters are fearless. Monsters think they are superior and can't be killed.
We'll see about that.
"Give them back and I might not put a bullet in your head."
It was a lie. Regardless if he cooperates with me right now, the loaded bullet
had his name on it.
There was no going back on my plan to kill him. I had him right in front of me
and I was going to kill two birds with one stone. First, I need to know where
Eren and Mikasa are, then when he served as no further purpose for me, I'll
leave this room housing his corpse behind.
I once claimed those kids were second priority in comparison to getting
revenge, but I recently learned I'm a convincing liar, even to myself. Those
kids came first. My friends would have wanted it that way too. Now that I
thought about it, my friends would have never wanted me to go through all this
trouble just to seek mindless vengeance. They were dead and that was a damn
shame, but nothing would bring them back. Not revenge, or sulking or self-
blame.
What was important was keeping the people you care about alive. I failed them,
but I refuse to fail those kids. Believe it or not, I learn from my mistakes
and I don't make the same mistake twice.
I say this, and yet it dawned on me that it was my mindless thirst for revenge
that put the kids at risk in the first place.
If I didn't confront Maverick with Hanji, there was a good chance he'd never
find my hideout. I put myself out in the open and I must have been followed
that night. From that moment on, Maverick was able to strike anytime he wanted
because of my faulty move. When it came down to it, this guy was guilty for the
crime, but was given the opportunity in the first place because of my
carelessness.
When you look at it in that perspective, we were both selfish men standing
before each other with a one track mind. We just wanted one thing and risked
anything to get it. I gambled the safety of the children for my desires, and he
took them, knowing that was the only way to achieve his.
"I just wanted to talk," he said, "talk some sense into your head, that is. The
Levi I knew wouldn't ever pass up easy money—so I'm astonished that you're
holding onto those kids when you can easily make money off them. I mean, you
profited from bringing me slaves in the past, after all—you're no stranger to
the idea."
Features convulsing, my head heaved back from the casual mention of a haunting
memory. Everything else surrounding that reminder was disregarded. "That
wasn't my fucking doing. You lied to me, you never told me they were innocent
people, you said they tried to kill one of your men. I—I never would have done
it otherwise!"
"What difference does it make? Just because those metaphorical people were bad
to me, it's suddenly okay to go through with it? Face it, Levi, you're not some
misunderstood gangster that plays by the rules. Get off you high fucking horse,
you're just as crooked as the rest of us that would do anything for a dime or a
hit."
"That's not true, I have my limits. I think I proved that when I didn't take
the last job you offered me."
"Oh sure, sure." He nodded condescendingly. "That reminds me. Thanks for
leading that Chinese bitch back to me—see, we're still helping each other out
and we don't even have to communicate. That's true teamwork. We're meant to
work together, don't you see?"
"...What are you talking about?" That trepidation I always felt before
something big revealed itself to me was settling down in the pit of my stomach
right about now.
"She rightfully belongs to me, that bitch you're looking for and that little
bastard child that helped her get away. Do you know how long I've been
searching for them? Three of my best men died because of those ratty cunts.
This is why I wanted you and your crew to take the job—things wouldn't have
gotten messy."
I stared silently at him. My aim on him was far from stable, for my hand began
to tremble again. "You—You killed Mikasa's parents."
"Tch, Mikasa. So that's the Chinese bitches name. That cunt. I lost you, your
crew and my best men over her and that boy. I deserve the profits after all the
trouble they put me though."
"She's Japanese, and stop talking about them like their your items."
"Why? Because they're your items now? Is that why you came to collect them?
Come on, Levi. You can get better ass than that. Sell them and buy yourself a
proper sex toy."
"I said don't fucking talk about them like that! You fucking killed them—you
killed that little girls parents and now you want to sell her off to be raped
by some old pervert?"
I thought I was cold-hearted, but his monster didn't have a heart to begin
with.
"I didn't kill anyone. Her parents got in my mens way—idiots. Couldn't even
handle a simple job."
Simple? He thought breaking a family apart and leaving a child traumatized was
simple? "You fucking disgust me. Of course they got in the way, you gave the
order to sell her and her mother into sex slavery."
"And it's a damn shame that pure-blooded whore got herself killed, but her
daughter—she's still worth a fortune, Levi. The boy is average, but he'll still
sell for a pretty penny. The perverts will buy him for those lovely eyes
alone."
The revolver shook in my hands, hardly keeping aim on this pile of trash. I
could barely see, my blurry vision was warped and mixing with red.
The seams holding me together began to unraveled.
"Fucking stop it already. Just give them back to me. Didn't you put me though
enough? First you put me through hell by drugging me up and turning me into
your own personal toy you can control, but you couldn't stop there; you
harassed me and my crew, then you murdered them and now you're kidnapping my
kids? How much more are you going to take from me?!"
For the first time since my arrival, the smug smirk faded from his face. My
stomach dropped from the expression.
"Wait—your crew is dead?"
Breathlessly, I could do nothing but stare at him, but my features soon
crunched together. More games? Doesn't he know I'm fucking serious?
"Don't play innocent with me, I know it was you or one of your mens doings."
The barrel of my gun waved rickety at him, and I'm surprised my temper hadn't
squeezed the trigger by now in my state of rage.
"No, Levi, you gotta believe me." His eyes glowed with honesty. "I wouldn't
have done that. I wanted you guys for my crew, I wouldn't have killed them. The
three of you were strong and I needed that strength playing for my team,
especially you, Levi. I might have ordered my men to beat some sense into you
guys so you'd come back, but I wouldn't have wanted them dead. I know my men
wouldn't have went against my word. I strictly stated I wanted to keep the
three of you alive."
"I don't believe you. No one else would want them dead."
He was the only one. It had to be his doing. This was a bluff. There was no one
else. I thought this, and yet I was suddenly filled with doubt.
"Looks like you have more enemies than you think because it wasn't me. I'm no
stranger to murder, but their blood isn't on my hands. I just admitted to
kidnapping the kids you're looking for, why would I lie about something like
that? I'd tell you if I killed them, I'm not afraid to speak the truth, but I
had nothing to do with it."
The fact that I was good at reading people pissed me off, because it brought me
to the conclusion that he was telling the truth. I almost let my gun fall down
to my hip, but then I remembered the important issue at hand and steadied my
aim.
"Fine." I spit out in a shaky breath. My reality was crumbling around me.
Everything I believed up until now wasn't true. I was chasing after the wrong
person all this time. "Ju...Just give me the kids, alright? If you're telling
the truth and you didn't kill my friends, I won't kill you if you just give
them back to me—"
This was all my fault.
If I looked for solid evidence and didn't go running carelessly after
assumptions, I wouldn't have involved myself with Maverick again and the kids
wouldn't be in danger right now.
I was trembling; not from rage, but I'm completely lost and disoriented—I don't
know what to believe, I don't know anything, apparently. What was all of this
for? Even if he did kill my crew, what would killing the culprit prove? All I
did was put the people I care about at risk. Thanks to my assumptions, I nearly
got Hanji killed and I forced Erwin to tag along with me, knowing damn well
that he might get killed on gang territory, and Eren and Mikasa were taken away
by a dangerous gang leader all because I let myself get carried away over my
own personal vendetta.
The only person I could place blame on was myself. This is all my fucking
fault.
"We have some negotiating to do. Forget about the damn kids for a minute."
I shook out of my self-loathing and clenched my teeth. "At least tell me if
they're safe first."
He looked fed up. He wasn't his usual cocky self. "Why do you care about them
so damn much anyways? Didn't you used to think anyone younger than you were
just idiotic brats? Think about this for a minute. Do you realize how much
money they're worth?"
A lot, I assume. Is that a reason to sell human beings, though? Was I suppose
to let Eren, a young boy fresh into puberty who lost his home and mother only
months ago, to be abused in ways he didn't even understand? Was I suppose to
let Mikasa live the rest of her days in a grimy sex dungeon and be used until
she was worn out and not fun to play with anymore?
Was it really suppose to be that easy to forget about them like he implied?
They're worth a lot of money, so I should just let him convince me to sell
them? Just count the wad they're worth and unload them onto some pigs?
No—because they didn't have a price tag. To me, they were priceless.
"The perverts would pay big money to add them to their rare collection."
Indeed, he got one thing right: they are rare, but they're not fucking
collectible novelty items. He didn't see them as the broken children they were
that still woke up with a smile every morning.
He never saw the way Mikasa's eyes lit up when she learned about where babies
came from or when she told me about her family traditions. Nor did he ever see
the joyful pride on Eren's face when his cooking didn't turn out awful or the
way he'd fall asleep on me and silently ask me to guard him through the night.
They were still needy kids that needed their never-ending questions answered
and they deserved to have someone there for them at the end of the day to tell
them everything will be alright.
But no—Maverick didn't want that life for them. He wanted their innocence
stolen. He wanted them to become inanimate objects, like I once was; an item
that has no emotion or warmth in their heart, just a doll used for sex and
endless abuse. He wanted to turn them into that.
"I'll even be a nice guy share the profits with you. No, if you join my crew
again, I'll split the sum right down the middle. How's that sound?"
How's that sound, he asks?
To me, it sounded like a bullet going right between his eyes.
He landed on the floor with a solid thud. Ripples of blood spread to my shoe as
I watched the thick crimson ooze from his skull, forever staining the carpet
below.
"Well, there's your answer." That was the kindest way of turning down his offer
that I could think of.
With my gun still steadily in front of me, I moved out the door and made
fretful eye connection with Erwin, who was previously leaned up again the wall,
but he stood erect at attention now. From the look he was giving, he already
knew how the negotiating ended. Either he heard the gun going off or my face
told the whole story.
Racing footsteps sounded down the hall and the sounds drifted around the
corner. The men clumsily drew their weapons at us, but before one of them could
get a tight enough hold on the handle, I shot the weapon clear out of his hand.
The coward ran and left his buddy to fend for himself.
This man, however, pointed his weapon at me with no intention of backing down,
and I aimed mine at him. It was a stalemate, so I backed away slowly with Erwin
behind me to make space between us.
"You might not end up like your boss in there if you tell me where the two
children that were kidnapped are."
"I ain't telling you shit! How dare you, motherfucker! I'll kill you!"
It's as if no one in this whole fucking building speaks my language. I'm sick
of asking politely. In the matter of a second, I darted my eyes off his, held
my breath and I readjusted my aim to his leg. My ears popped, violated from the
shot fired.
My hearing was welcomed back with a piercing shriek that sounded too high to be
coming from a middle-aged man. He crashed down into a fetal position. His hands
lathered up with his own blood as he nursed his fresh wound.
Beads of sweat glided down my pores as I dropped down hard onto one knee and
positioned him upward with a yank of his hair. His teeth clenched with a
distasteful whine as I stabbed the barrel against his temple "Next shot goes in
your head if you don't answer my question."
"A-Alright! I'll tell you, you fucking runt! They're downstairs at the
auction!"
"...Auction?"
The man laughed, like he went mad from the pain assaulting his leg. "They're
probably sold by now, you're too late. They're probably getting the innocence
fucked out of them as we speak."
I didn't even mean to do it—my trembling temper clenched the trigger too tight
on its own. Another thunderous shot was fired and another asshole was added to
my body count. "Oops. Looks like you were getting a shot in the head regardless
if you told me—come on Erwin, let's go."
Forcing down a gulp, he caught up with me. He saw plenty of deaths, hundreds
even, but not between humans. It was a shame that humans still were fighting
against each other even when the Titans posed as our main threat, but if you
kept animals locked in a cage long enough, they're bound to get wild.
"Tch. Asshole got his blood all over me." I tried to make the complaint sound
casual, but my anxiety spiked from the moistness smothering my face.
"Here." Erwin had offered a handkerchief in my field of view, and I took it and
stole a glance at him as I did.
His expression was completely unreadable and even though I could sense that he
noticed me looking at him, he never bothered looking down at me. I didn't even
want to imagine what was going through his head, or what his opinion about me
was right now. I vigorously wiped my face with the cloth. Hell, I don't even
know I feel about myself at the moment.
After descending down the isolated stairs in a fury, we entered a dimly let
room that was over the capacity with middle-aged men. The constant chatter
among each other was nonstop and the indistinguishable words drilled into my
ears from all angles. There were about ten rows of chairs leading from one side
of the room to the other, and the direction those chairs were placed in were
facing an empty platform.
"Do you think we're in the right place?" Erwin asked with unsteady glances
around the space, inspecting the unfamiliar setting.
"Yes, this is right." It was all too familiar to me. Not that I ever was
interested in buying a sex slave—God no—but in the past, I did attend these
events to loot some of the rich perverts while they were too distracted bidding
on buyable humans.
Now that I had my chance to survey the room, I impatiently came to the
conclusion that maybe we were too late like the man had said. My heart stalled
in a beat at the thought.
What if Eren and Mikasa were already purchased and off to some perverts mansion
where they would be trapped forever? There would be no possible way to track
them down once that happened. I seethed and almost dragged myself into
hysteria.
That fucking bastard Maverick—he had no intention of trading them for me, he
just wanted to be greedy and sell the kids he's been search for and somehow
manage to get me back into his crew. What a fucking asshole—for a second, I was
about to allow the blissful idea of killing him calm me down like I usually
did, but the deed was already done. For some reason, the reality didn't live up
to my fantasies, but it was still refreshing to know the bastard was dead.
Reflexively, my palm caught my mouth and I did my all not to barf. Not only was
I sick from the sight of seeing two persons brains splatter across the walls,
but the thought of being too late to safe Eren and Mikasa made me far more ill.
Noticing my stress, Erwin put his hand on my shoulder; the only thing he could
do to console me, but it didn't do shit. Not a damn thing. Those kids might be
a bit of a handful, especially Eren being the brat he is, but I never wanted to
see anything bad happened to them. From the moment I met them, a protective
part of me took over. It was selfish that I saw myself in them and that's why I
helped them in the first place, but I still seen past our similarities and
accepted them for who they were; their annoying quirks and all. I took them out
from the cold and let them stay with me in hopes of keeping them out of harms
way...but I suppose them living with me was more dangerous in the end. I never
even considered the possibility of them getting involved with my corrupt life.
I was so stupid. So fucking stupid and it's all my fault that they're gone.
I almost, almost let a foreign tear drop escape me, but it was sucked back
inside after Erwin had shook my shoulder, waking me from my grieving trance.
"Levi, look."
Eren and Mikasa—they were a few feet away from me, right on the platform. They
were unconscious and my blood raced through my veins from a mixture of relief
and disgust from the sight given to me. They were either knocked out or
drugged, I'm betting on the latter. I stomped my heel forward, but I was
stopped my Erwin pulling me back with a tight restrain around my elbow.
"Fucking let me go." I gave him an animalistic stare, like a beast about to
kill its prey in the wild. Even though my gaze touched the verge of pure
insanity, he wasn't fazed by it. I actually had a crazy idea pop into my head
during this: if Erwin didn't let me go, I was going to kill him.
"Levi, listen for a second," he kept his voice low enough not to attract any
lingering ears. "It's too risky to just stomp up there and snatch them away. If
you hadn't notice, there's guards all around the room. They'll shoot you with
intentions to kill if you get too close to their merchandise."
As if to clarify this words, I picked the guards out with my gaze around the
room.
In my heat of frenzy, I felt unstoppable, like even a bullet to the head
couldn't stop me, but luckily Erwin's rational voice calmed me down a few
notches.
My stance loosened and I turned my body back to him fully. "Then what do you
propose we do?"
"This might sound crazy, but hear me out—let's just allow them be bought, then
follow them to wherever the pervert lives, then take them back from there. It's
easier to fight off one or two guys than this entire room."
I folded my arms and snarled up at him. "No. Let's not do that. That's fucking
stupid and risky. What if we lose sight of them?" If we lost their track, it
would be impossible to find them again. They were right in front of us, this
was our only chance to get them before they were harmed or tainted any further.
"It's less risky than trying to retrieve them now in plain sight. It's not like
you can just start shooting up the place and flee unharmed."
"Tch. I would if I could, but I only have two bullets left."
"Exactly, that's why our best option is to sit this out and wait. Trust me, I
wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't think it would work."
"Alright, fine." I reluctantly spit out. "I'll trust your judgment this time.
But if this doesn't work, you're the next person getting a bullet to the head,
understood?"
"If the plan goes sour, you are free to kill me."
"It's not like I need your permission." With that, we took a seat in the back
row. My crossed my legs jittered anxiously as the auction commenced.
"Welcome, gentlemen. Tonight we have a special treat for you. Only a fool would
pass up on this amazing deal."
"Tch, disgusting." I said under my breath, and Erwin nudged me quiet.
"Cut it out. You'll draw attention to yourself." He said without looking at me,
his lips barely moving.
It didn't take much to quiet me, because I became distracted by the man on
stage selling his pitch.
"This young girl here is of Asian descent. She's not full-blooded, but she's
still the last of her kind. Those with a rare collection should not pass this
opportunity up. And to my right is a feisty boy. He puts up quite the fight, so
those looking for a challenge would love to get their hands on him. The bidding
for both will start at five-hundred thousand."
My nose curled. How can they put a price tag on children? On human beings for
that matter? Prostitution was one thing, but buying non-consenting children? I
could only hope Hell exist for every bastard in this room.
Look at all these scumbags staring at those kids like they're a pieces of meat
on display. Fucking filthy. They wouldn't ever see Mikasa for the person she
really is—a reserved, quiet girl that held the purest love for her brother, nor
would they see how passionate Eren could get and how determine he is when it
comes to getting what he wants. You'd think children that went through
everything they did would be much more bitter and rebellious, but they were
still so pure. Hell, they didn't even know what sex was a few days ago, but
these pigs didn't care, they probably got off on stealing a child's innocence.
Given that Eren's description referred to him as being a fighter, I can only
assume he tried to defend himself the best he could when they tried to take
them away. It would explain the crime scene being a disaster—that kid was
stronger than his age suggested.
I was proud of him. Both of them, really. For them to endure all this and still
be breathing was a miracle.
The bidding went on until the price sky rocketed high enough to leave many of
the men out of the auction. It was between two men now, who fought tooth and
nail to out-bid each other until the price was five-million. I was getting
impatient, I just wanted to get this over with and take them away from this
filthy place.
"We're going to be here all night, gentlemen," the host said, "How about you
call it even and each settle on one of the items you want to bring home?"
The men exchanged glances to each other from across the room and agreed to the
suggestion in unison.
"Only if I get the boy." One of them said.
The other man took a moment to think, and after a few seconds he agreed. "I
wanted both, but fine. I wanted the girl more anyways."
"Then it's settled!"
With that, the auction was over and everyone stood, blocking my eyes that had
been glue on the kids all this time. My chest fluttered in panic when they
vanished from my sight. I quickly stood to my feet, not that it made a
difference.
"Can you still see them?"
Erwin hooked his head around a bit, his height lucky giving him an advantage to
see over the crowd. He took so long to answer and it made me nervous as hell,
then I finally received a nod. "Yes, they're being picked up by their buyers on
stage. But we have to hurry."
We shoved our way through the crowd, and a surreal feeling of claustrophobia
overcame me, but now wasn't the time for that. Fearing I'd lose Erwin who was
my only means of guidance at this point, I grabbed his sleeve and he escorted
us through the mob of people.
"They just went outside the back door near the stage."
By the time we made it outside, I only caught a glimpses of Eren being shoved
into a carriage. Only a few seconds passed before it began to head off down the
pavement. Panic struck me and left me feeling queasy as the gap between Eren
and I got further. I looked to Erwin with uneasiness. We only had mere
seconds to follow the next step of our plan.
"Mikasa is in that one." Erwin pointed to the carriage on the opposite side of
the street.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I'll follow this one, you go after Eren."
"Alright. We'll meet back at your place afterward." We were left with no other
choice but to split up. "Don't fucking lose sight of her. Get her before that
creep could lay a single finger on her."
"I will. You have my word."
I gave him one more strict gaze and turned right into a run to catch up with
the carriage. Luckily, the wagon was going at a slow, casual pace. So long as I
kept up a brisk walk, I wouldn't lose sight of them. My teeth chattered, it was
freezing out, but another type of chill entirely ran through me just thinking
Eren and Mikasa were alone riding with the men who just paid big money for
them. I knew they were dying to test out their expensive new merchandise but I
hoped desperately that they wouldn't lay a hand on them before we could rescue
them.
Even though the plan was riding out accordingly thus far, I still felt so
hopeless for the first time in so long. What if I couldn't save them? Would if
that pervert is doing something filthy to Eren in the back of the cart right
now? There was nothing I could do to stop it. But I couldn't let my pessimism
control me. I had to stay focused on the matter at hand. What was important
right now was rescuing them, I would worry about how to deal with other
problems afterward.
If worse came to worse and those filthy pigs touched either of them before we
could save them...then I'll do my best to comfort them and I'll—no, let's just
hope it doesn't come to that.
Sometime later I found myself watching the carriage enter the lot of a huge
estate. The neighborhood of mansions lined up side by side made me feel like I
entered a whole other world. I've never even heard of this side of Wall Sina
before. It wasn't particularly hidden or out of the way, but the maze I
followed the carriage through to get here was mostly due to the centrals'
confusing layout.
I scraped my knee and my shirt tore in the process of climbing the side wall
barricading the property, but my injuries didn't faze me as I ran over to the
nearest window.
Erwin was right—this plan was much easier. This rich, lonely pervert likely
lived alone, so I could probably break-in undetected. Not to mention it would
be effortless to take down one guy on my own. This will work. I'm going to get
Eren back.
At the same time I felt relief, dread also followed when I wondered how Erwin's
side to the plan was going, but I can only hope for the best right now and keep
focused on my own goal in front of me.
Using a hand-sized rake from the garden, I cracked the window open as quietly
as I could. From what I could tell, this side out the house was unoccupied of
any presence so I didn't have to keep my guard too high now. Lifting myself
over the lid of the window, I tumbled into the house and quickly rose back to
my feet.
I was in what appeared to be a sitting room, one of the many, that is. I crept
through the darkness the room held until I passed the archway leading to the
hallway that was lit by flickering candles on the wall.
I had no idea where to look first. Not only was this place totally unfamiliar
to me, but it was huge—probably larger than my entire neighborhood. Should I
look upstairs first, or should I check the east wing, or should I clear out the
rest of the west end? I had no evidence to tell me where they could be. I saw
the bastard enter the estate with Eren in his arms, but by the time I broke in,
they must have located themselves somewhere deep in the house.
Just as I was about to run upstairs, thinking the pervert would want to bring
Eren to his bedroom, I heard a muffled shout coming from below the floorboard.
I ran as fast as I could, opening every door I saw until I found one that led
down to the basement. I quieted my footing as I descended down the stairs,
cursing under my breath as they creaked. The further down I went, faint,
provoked wails became clearer and it was indeed Eren's tone making them.
Just hold on a little bit longer. I'm coming. I'm going to take you away from
all this.
My heart thumped so fast that I actually thought I'd be detected for that
alone. I swallowed hard—I couldn't lie, I was terrified. Not because I was
afraid of anything happening to me—but if something did happen to me, Eren
would be defenseless with no hope of ever escaping. His safety rested in my
hands right now. I couldn't fail him.
"Get off me, you fucker!"
Instinctively, I almost cleared the rest of the steps with a leap when I heard
Eren yell, but I instead kept going at a steady pace. I couldn't fuck this up.
I couldn't let my emotion ruin my only chance.
Hearing a lot of movement, assumed to be Eren fighting back the man, the pig
screamed out, "You ungrateful scamp! Looks like I'll have to tie you up after
all!"
Still concealed by the wall on the last step, I readied my gun in hand and
whipped around the corner.
The first thing my sight latched onto was a large mattress placed in the middle
of the room with Eren squirming under the weight of the man who bought him back
at the auction—he was trying to bound rope around his wrist as he told him to
stay still. But Eren fought and kicked the man in the crotch repeatedly until
he had enough and reached for his holstered gun and waved it in front of his
face.
My revolver clicked from cocking it back, earning all attention to myself in
the room, and the aim of his gun was shortly aimed to me instead.
"Drop it. I just want the kid back. I won't hurt you if you comply." I lied, I
was going to kill this dirty piece of shit regardless. My eyes flared on his
eyes that were already dead.
The man crawled backwards off the bed, his aim never drifting. "Who do you
fucking think you are? You think you can come into my home and steal from me?
He's mine, I bought him!"
Before I had time to react, Eren and pounced on the man while he was
distracted, trying to pull the gun from his hands. He clawed at his hands until
they bleed and the pistol dropped to the floor with a clink. I bolted toward
them the moment the aim was off me, but before I could do anything the man
shook him off and Eren collided hard with the wall.
I returned my aim and shot without hesitation—but being as close as I was, the
man had time to push my arm up and away from him. The bullet ricocheted off the
ceiling and now he put all his effort into wrestling the gun from my hand.
The fucker had me gripped by the collar and had my arm twisted in a way that
left me with little room to move my aim back to him. I punched with my non-
dominate hand, but the weak impact barely fazed him.
In the midst of struggle, I heard movement below and managed to strain my gaze
down to Eren, who was sitting down on the floor and stirring awake after taking
a good knock to the head, but that wasn't the only good news—he had the mans
dropped pistol in hand.
The man was drawn to what was stealing my attention and his eyes protruded,
"Don't you even think about it, you little shit!" he screamed in desperation.
He was utterly fucked and he knew it. If he were to let go of me and tried to
go after Eren, I'd shoot him on the spot, and if things continued like this,
Eren would shoot him.
But there were risks involved in having the upper hand. For one—Eren looked
like he was seeing double-vision from the hit on the head, his aim was anything
but steady. Even if you disregarded that, he was a twelve-year-old that likely
never shot a gun before. Taking that and this pig so close to me into
consideration, that set horrible conditions and meant there was a very high
chance he'd miss and shoot me right in my temple while meaning to target him.
But that didn't matter. Even if he shot me in the process, so long as he got
him on the second try, he would be able to free himself from this mess safely.
"Do it, Eren."
I could tell he shared the same thoughts as me from the fright appearing on his
face. The gun shook between both his hands as a steady stream of tears glided
down his cheeks. To me it didn't matter. I was already willing to die today if
I had to. As long as Eren got out of here safe, I didn't care about what
happened to me.
The man was still struggling against me, his vile gaze taking turns between
Eren and I, like he didn't know who would strike first. When I looked back to
Eren, I was shocked to see him wearing a completely different expression. He
didn't look scared anymore. He was dead-focused and slammed an eye closed as he
squeezed the trigger.
A clean shot pierced the air as a deafening crack broke the sound in the room.
The tight grip once on me loosened and the man fell to his knees before me. I
sidestepped out of the way so he could fall face-first.
Our labored breathing was the only sound occupying the room now. Feeling
strained, tired and relieved, I collapsed to my knees in front of Eren. My head
dipped in shame.
"I-I'm so sorry—I'm so sorry you had to do that, this was all my fault, I—"
Before I could trail off in broke syllables, Eren had tossed the gun to the
side and wrapped his arms around me. Not expecting the sudden affection, my
eyes protruded in shock, but soon hooded contently at the familiar warmth and
scent surrounding me. I returned the hug tightly and slide my lids shut.
Minutes passed by without any intention of letting each other go any time soon.
I rubbed Eren's back gently as he pet my hair, and the content feeling of
having his heart beating against my chest made my features scrunch in
overwhelming emotion.
"Levi...Are you crying?"
My lips quivered against his sleeve that was damp from the moister rolling out
of my eyes.
I am. I'm crying. No—I'm blubbering on his kids shoulder. I wasn't angry
anymore. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't anything but relieved, and that relief
was pouring out of my tear ducts. This kid is safe in my arms again. For a
while there, I really didn't think that would be possible.
I nearly choked on the thick accumulation that built up in my mouth, "I'm so
glad you're safe, Eren. I'm so fucking glad." I dug my face deep into the
fabric of his sleeve and held him even tighter for a while longer before I
removed my chin from his shoulder and cupped his cheeks in my hands, swiping a
thumb over this tears that were streaming out faster than mine. "Again, I'm so
sorry you had to do that. I know it wasn't easy."
"Don't say you're sorry. You did nothing wrong—if it wasn't for you, who knows
what he would've done to me. He deserved to die. Besides, it wouldn't be the
first time I had to put down a beast disguised in human form."
The conversation with Maverick linked together with his claim. I understand
now. All the pieces of the puzzle formed together. Mikasa and Eren weren't
simply adopted siblings that took a fond liking to each other, their bond was
formed in a similar predicament as ours right now. Her parents were killed my
Maverick's men, the men who replaced me and my crew, and those men were killed
in the midst of their mission. I heard rumors of the girl not acting alone, but
they were true. She had this brave boy—no—man save her life.
I know I'm suppose to be the adult here, but I found myself so envious of his
strength and courage. I began to tear up again, even harder than before. Now
that a decade worth of blockage has been cleared, there's just no stopping the
flow now.
This time, Eren returned the favor and pressed his palms on each side of my
face, wiping his thumbs under my eyes to catch the fallen droplets. I leaned my
cheek indigently into his small palm and the smile he gifted me with was just
as warm as his hands.
"Thanks for saving me, again."
The sweet words lingered close to my heart that felt on the verge of bursting.
I brushed my fingers along his wrist and down his forearm. "No, thank you,
Eren."
He tilted his head, confused—but that was to be expected. He had no way of
knowing how much he saved me.
                                      ~x~
By the time Eren and I found our way back to the familiar grounds, night had
already fallen over Wall Sina. Afraid I'd lose him again, we held hands the
whole way back, only unlinking once we arrived at Erwin's place. Seeing lights
on inside, I braced myself before knocking. He was home, but there was no way
of knowing what news awaited me as I idled outside with Eren. I could only hope
everything worked out and he got Mikasa back safely.
—And just as I thought this, the door swung open. Expecting Erwin to answer, I
had my head held high, but my gaze fell low when I heard a high-pitched cry.
"Eren!"
Mikasa pounced on him with open arms, nearly knocking the poor kid over with
her strength. But her tension loosened as he hugged her back, but her cries
never faded.
"I'm so happy—you're safe Eren."
My lips curved down at their reunion. I knew how she felt—I'm happy too. So
happy to see them both safe and able to have this moment together.
When she finally pried herself from Eren, she leaped on me and wrapped her arms
around my waist. Her embrace was so tight and I couldn't help but to sound a
sharp "hmph!".
"Thank you so much for bringing Eren back to me, Levi."
I bent over and returned the hug, petting her soft hair as I did. "Thank God
you're safe, Mikasa. I was so worried."
After a lengthy embrace, we pulled away from each other, and all three of us
were wearing elated expressions. After all the emotions I was forced to endure
today, it was so refreshing to be rewarded with their beautiful smiles.
Mikasa pulled us both inside after pestering about us getting sick if we stood
in the cold too much longer.
It was nice and toasty inside from the fireplace blazing, and that told me they
must have been here waiting for us for quite sometime. It must have been nerve-
racking waiting for our return. Erwin must have handled the rescue quicker than
me, but in my defense I would have been back hours ago if Eren and I didn't get
lost a thousand times.
All in all, we both won and that's all that mattered. The kids are alive and
well, and Erwin and myself made it back in one piece. Almost on cue as I
thought about him, Erwin appeared in the living room with a towel draped over
his shoulders, fresh from the bath.
He breathed a heavy sigh of relief as he stared at Eren and myself. "Thank
goodness you're finally back. I was starting to have my doubts."
"Tch, thanks a lot. Do I look that incapable to you?"
The casual reply made him smile. "Of course not—I just figured you might have
gotten lost."
He hit the nail right on the head.
Pushing aside the friendly exchange, I closed the gap between Erwin and myself
and regarded him with a serious expression. "Thank you for getting Mikasa back
safe—I know I put you through a lot today and I lost my head back there—and I'm
really sorry about all that, really, I am."
He shook his head. "Think nothing of it. I'm just happy to see them both safe."
A stiff presence bestowed beside me and soon came between Erwin and I.
Eren took a deep breath and his following words came out forced, but genuine,
"Thank you for rescuing Mikasa. I don't know what I'd ever do if something
happened to her." He scratched the back of his head timidly, averting his
ambivalent his gaze. He's worse at showing gratitude than I am. "And I might as
well take this moment to say I'm sorry for being so disrespectful the other
night..."
Eren woke up from his bashfulness from a solid plop on his head. Erwin ruffled
his hair with a guffaw, stunning the boy, and me. "Don't you worry yourself
about that. Just be sure to take care of sister, and especially Levi in my
absence, would you? The guy honestly doesn't know the first thing about taking
care of himself."
With my arms folded, I tsked with a roll of my eyes as Erwin and Eren giggled
in the background. That phrasing, though, filled me with something I couldn't
describe, but it was a bittersweet sensation. I think Erwin and I both knew
that the pointless affair between us was over now. We both knew it wouldn't
last forever; all good things come to an end eventually—but when it came down
to it, it really wasn't right from the start. It was fun though, and Erwin will
always remain a special person to me. But what he told Eren made me ponder. In
one way it felt like closure between us, but it also felt like Erwin noticed
something I didn't yet. The man was always a few steps ahead of everyone, after
all. I suppose I'll find out sooner or later.
                                      ~x~
A few hours later, Mikasa passed out from exhaustion on the couch shortly after
dinner and Erwin insisted on being a friendly host and gave up his bed for Eren
and I as he slept out on a spare futon in the living room.
Every ounce of energy was leaving my body at once the moment my body connected
with the mattress. I felt weightless, yet my body was too heavy to move on its
own anymore. I couldn't tell if I was overly exhausted or relieved to have Eren
beside me again. All the tension I held for hours was finally freeing from me.
I laid there sore and aching, my body pulsating, but it felt good to finally
lay down. After a while, I became numb head to toe and fell into a comfortable
sleep.
But this dreadful day couldn't conclude with a happy ending just yet.
All of those dark thoughts and fears I held for Eren and Mikasa were being
replaced with guilt and regret. I would only fall asleep minutes at a time,
then wake up out of breath, clutching at my speeding heart. Eren would bolt up
on cue with me every time and lay my head back down to the pillow as he hummed
the melody of 'Monday's Child' in my ear.
I'd fall asleep again, but it was an endless loop of nightmares. After a few
times, we gave up on sleeping. Laying together side-by-side, we faced the
ceiling and talked until the sun crept in through the blinds.
In the beginning of our conversation, Eren wordlessly noted that I was spooked
and did his all to sooth me. He told me about his friend Armin and his book
about the outside world. He described a thing called the ocean and topical
lands and fields of ice and terrains of sand. Eren's words painted beautiful
pictures for my mind's eye to explore—but mentions of the world outside put me
in a gloomier mood when I remembered that my parents were taken away because of
that beautiful world. That only added to my already established dread, but I
appreciated his effort nevertheless.
Our chat drifted eventually and I ended up telling him nearly everything. I
told him all about Maverick and how I killed him. I told him about my friends
and their brutal deaths, and my doubts about Maverick being guilty of their
murders. I wasn't even sure if there was another culprit out there right now
and even more hopelessness rushed through me at the mere idea.
I just kept talking. I wouldn't shut up. It was like a backed up pipe sprung a
leak and was letting out all the toxic garbage that's been stuck inside so
long.
Eren, believe it or not, was a fantastic listener. He'd nod his head with
interest and ask follow-up questions. He'd stare intently at my mouth as I
spoke, like he was trying to clutch every word and store it away for his own
personal collection.
I told him bits about my past and I finally shut my mouth long enough to allow
him to share his own stories with me, ones that surprised me, some that made me
undergo painful emotions and ones that made me want to smile.
The spotlighted tale he told me was the night he saved Mikasa, and I went on to
tell him that it was supposed to be me and my crew to do that job but I turned
it down. He made a comment about how tiny the world we live in is.
The next topic I brought up was how I felt at this very moment.
"Eren...I feel...filthy. Filthy because I have people's blood on my hands. It
doesn't matter how much I scrub, it just won't go away. It stained my skin and
it won't come off." Of course, this was metaphorically speaking, considering
the fact that there hasn't been a speck of blood on me since my lengthy bath
earlier. It was more of a compulsive reaction to my sins.
"You were left with no other choice. You did the right thing."
Even though he was comforting me, I had to disagree with him. "No. It wasn't
the right thing to do. I know they were bad people, I know this and yet...I
hate myself for what I did." I never thought I would ever scoop low enough to
mindless violence. I hated death, even if the person deserve it. If I just
stayed calm, this all could have been prevented. If I didn't let my fuming
emotions get in the way, I could have tackled that pervert assaulting Eren and
sent him to the police to handle—but I let this poor kid do my bidding for me
and that was worse than killing him myself.
It's not like my life was actually in danger back when I was negotiating with
Maverick. I could have managed everyone's and my own safety without any
casualties. But my temper pulled the trigger—more times than I thought I ever
would.
I never killed before and it was hard adjusting to the new title of being a
murderer.
I was so set on killing Maverick all this time, but when it came down to it, I
didn't have the guts—no matter how crooked he was—knowing his blood was on my
hands just didn't settle with me right. I also killed one of his men in the
heat of rage, over a slur. That could have been avoided.
I realized now that this day will haunt me through life for as long as I live.
"Levi."
Eren's call of my name had pulled me from my thoughts, and I softened my
expression when I turned my head to him.
Radiance seeped in from the shutters and highlighted his bronzed skin.
Sparkling light reflected off his eyes and danced on the surface like two
dishes of water scooped from a fresh stream. Or maybe it's better to describe
them as topical ocean water—I've never seen anything like that before but based
on Eren's description, his eyes matched the color I imagined perfectly.
Floating dust particles polluted the golden glow and I found it so hard to look
away from the dreamy scene. When he began to speak in a tone that matched the
atmosphere, I also found it impossible not to be seized by every word.
"Please don't be sad. I know you feel guilty for taking others lives,
regardless if they deserved it, but you have to remember that you actually
saved others by killing them. Based on what you told me, that Maverick guy was
a snake and he would have kept stealing kids like me and Mikasa if you didn't
put him down. Just like you saved us, you saved future children from being
kidnapped and sold like dogs. Putting a bullet through a perverts brain didn't
seem like a bad deed to me at the time and it still doesn't. If we didn't do
it, he would have found another child to prey on and all the things you feared
would happen to me would have happened to someone elses child. Don't beat
yourself up over doing the right thing. Give yourself some deserved credit.
You're a hero."
With those words, my heart-rate steadied and felt warmer than the beams of
sunlight touching my pale cheek.
He was right. I wasn't so sure about the hero part, though.
Wrapping an arm around him, I scooted in snugly against him and before he could
react to my lips closing in on him, I planted a kiss on his forehead, his cheek
and left a peck on his little nose. I pulled away with the kindest smile I
could muster.
His skin was no longer the glowing tan I've noted moments before, it was
steaming red and damp with perspiration. His eyes teared up from keeping his
sight static on me for so long and I was positive that I could physically feel
his heart bumping out of his chest.
"Wha-What was that for?!"
"You wanted a New Years kiss, didn't you?"
His eyes twitched wider in recall. "But...I didn't carry out my side of the
deal..."
"You still earned it. You're a smart kid, Eren. Don't let anyone ever tell you
different."
His blissful smile was caught between my hooded lashes. His echoing voice was
fading from me. "You're the only one that tells me differently."
A chuckle sounded in my throat as my heavy eyelids finally closed. "That's
because you're a brat."
                                      ~x~
"Finally—it's about damn time you woke up." The second I walked outside the
bedroom and into the kitchen, Erwin lifted his head impatiently from a
newspaper in hand. "Come here and take a look at this."
"I'm not looking at anything until I have a pot of coffee and a bottle of
aspirin in my system. A shot of whiskey would be nice too."
"This is no time for jokes. Look."
I sighed and fussily tugged the newspapers from his hand and yawned into it.
Erwin explained in summary before my blurred eyes could focus on the small
print.
"He was a noble—" he folded his fingers together and dryly clarified his
phrasing, "—the man you killed last night, the one that bought Eren at the
auction. He's all over the front page."
"Good for him." With an airy huff, I flicked the paper back on the table and
reached skyward to fetch a cup from the cabinet. I spoke boredly, grogginess
still infesting my voice. "So what if he was a noble? He was a dirty shit that
tried to rape a little boy. I'm glad he's being exposed for who he really was."
Eren had been the one to kill him, but I wouldn't dare let Erwin know that. He
and I talked last night for a while when Eren was in the bath and after Mikasa
fell asleep. I told him that I was left in a tight position and had to kill the
man who bought Eren. Erwin didn't have much to say about it, only that he was
lucky enough to stealthy grab Mikasa and slip out while her buyer was in
another room. After we discussed that, he told me to stay here at his place for
a while until everything calmed down, knowing I'd have a pack of vengeance-
seeking followers wanting me dead after killing their boss.
"If anything, I did the community a good service by killing that pig. I'm
thinking a million dollar reward would suffice."
"I don't think you understand. They already tracked you down as the prime
suspect."
I slammed the mug down at those words and spun back around, doubt in my eyes.
"He was royal blood, related to the king. They didn't say a word about his
crimes. They wrote it off as an assassination. Levi—if they find you, they're
going to hang you for this."
My gaze fell to the floor.
How could this be happening?
...Why am I even questioning this—this was typical. Of course they'd mourn the
lost of a dirty rapist and set a bounty for the one who rescued his victim.
This is how the government worked between these corrupt walls. If you weren't
royal blood or in a rich class, you meant nothing. Anyone lower was just trash
that should be deposed of permanently.
The Military Police have been dying to find a way to convict me for a long time
and now they had their reason. I would never be given a fair trial at this
point, not with my record and my infamous name around here. Explaining the
situation and unveiling the pig for who he really was to the Military police
would be a useless effort. Trying to prove my innocence translated to turning
myself in to face my punishment in their eyes. They already picked their side.
They would rather defend the corpse of a scumbag noble than an exonerated
criminal like me who was just protecting a child.
"I think it goes without saying that you need go into hiding, you and the kids.
They're technically involved in the assassination of a noble since they
associate with you. You know as well as me that they have no remorse for kids
of poverty class—they'll classify them as adults if they find a connection
between you and them. The three of you are as good as dead if you're caught."
I tapped the counter with my fingernails as I blinked down at the cold tile in
thought.
I couldn't exactly go back to my home regardless if I was a suspect in the case
or not. I killed Maverick and another member of the North gang. They knew where
I lived now, the remains of the gang will surely want revenge for their bosses
death. Now with this bounty added to the pot, I was positive that I could never
step foot around Wall Sina again.
"I think your best bet is moving underground. I'll try to buy you time—I could
give them some false leads so you can move freely until you're settled."
"Tch. You expect me to go live in that filthy dark hole with the mole rats?"
"Would you rather be the main star in a pubic hanging?"
"...The underground city it is."
 
Chapter End Notes
     Aaaand with that, this arc is complete! I don't even care if this
     sounds conceited, I'm proud that I've finally made it this far. Fun
     fact: the premise of this chapter was what inspired the entire fic in
     the first place, so making it to this point is a big achievement for
     me!
     And yep, you read right. The trio is moving underground! (Levi being
     wanted aside, a setting change was due for his sake. The man needs a
     fresh start somewhere new.)
     Anyways, look forward to the next chapter! There's Ereri on the way!
     :D
***** Act ll: Reticent *****
Chapter Summary
     Nearly three years have passed and a lot has changed, for better or
     worse, but when Levi discovers there's still some things that
     remained the same, he doesn't know how to feel.
Chapter Notes
     Welcome to the future~! So, let me just say that my first draft for
     this wasn't going anywhere near romantic progress—I was gonna have
     them very slowly realize their feelings over the course of a few
     chapters, but I rewrote it with a different approach in mind because
     ain't nobody got time for that lol. In all seriousness, I'm sorry if
     this isn't what you were expecting, this is way different from my
     original plan, but I'm just more interested in writing their actual
     relationship now and not the road leading to it anymore.
     Gah all my chapters are like 15k lately. I'm sorry, but I can't end a
     chapter unless I have a good stopping point. OTL
See the end of the chapter for more notes
"Fuck, Eren, my arms hurt. This is taking way longer than I thought it would.
But, we're starting to make some progress—barely."
Rolling up my sleeves, I wiped my brow with my forearm. My other arm rested my
on my thigh; the rings of a scissors handle loosely in my grasp. I let out an
irritated phew and briefly rested my sore arms, then returned to the laboring
work before me.
"C'mon, it's not that bad."
With myself up on a chair, Eren was seated below on the floor; my legs on
either side of his shoulders as I tilted my head at an angle, judging the
evenness of the snip I just created. "Are you kidding? It was all the way past
your shoulders. You started to look like an unruly beast."
"Hey, you have to admit I looked pretty cool."
"You looked like a hairy bum, that's what you looked like. Geez, your hair
grows like a damn weed. This is why we need to stay on top of this so it
doesn't keep getting out of control like this."
Saying that his hair was the only part that grew fast about the brat would be
an understatement. Earning a flinch from Eren as I roughly combed out a few
remaining knots, I peered over to the archway of the kitchen door. Along the
frame lines were marked into the wood, starting near the middle and nearly
reaching the top.
When we first moved here, it became a tradition to mark our heights on the
frame—this was, of course, Eren's idea since he was so desperate to track the
progress of his height.
Almost three years have passed, yet the single line marked for myself never
altered; I still stood at 5 foot, 3 inches; not a centimeter more, or
fortunately, less.
Mikasa had a few slow growth spurts, and I could swear to God that Eren went to
bed a tiny shrimp one night and woke up as a hormonal teenager heightening in
at 5 foot 7.
Eren and Mikasa shared the same height, but he convinced himself (and no one
else) that he stood a few centimeters taller than her. Unfortunately, this
means I lost my title as tallest in the household and snagged a spot in last
place. Being the only adult in the house, I couldn't begin to tell you how much
it bruised my pride to have these teens towering over me.
"I try to keep up with it," he brewed up an excuse, "but it's really hard to
reach some areas myself. I just find it easier to let my hair grow in."
"And wait for me to get tried of looking at the messy mop on your head and do
all the work for you, right? Tch, well, I rather you wait for me than do it
yourself anymore. The last time you cut your own hair, you had a bald spot at
the back of your head for months."
And he nearly got another as I snipped a strand of hair a little too close to
his scalp when he heaved his head back in shock. "Huh?! No way, you're lying."
"Nope. Mikasa and I secretly vowed not to tell you. We were afraid you might
hide it if we did."
"Uh, yeah—of course I would have hid it. You guys are such assholes." He
pacified his annoyance by hissing something foul under his breath, and I forced
his head straight with a yank of his hair.
"Stop moving your gigantic head around so much unless you want another bald
spot—anyway, before I cut off any more is their a specific style you want?"
"Why do you even bother asking? Every time I ask you to give me a haircut like
yours, you always just say—"
"—It wouldn't suit you." I took the words right out of his mouth. "I'll just
give you the usual cut, then."
"I'm beginning to think that's the only other hairstyle you know how to
cut—ugh, it's so boring."
I snipped his hair into layers, starting from the top and working down to the
bottom, hoping that would stop tangles from building up. "Nah, just simple.
Someone like you needs a haircut that's easy to manage. You couldn't keep up
with all the grooming involved with my haircut."
"Yeah yeah—that reminds me, Mikasa really needs a haircut too, it's nearly
hitting the middle of her back."
"Let the girl have long hair if she wants to."
"Oh, she can have long hair but I can't? Why don't you say she's your favorite
already?"
"Okay. Mikasa is my favorite."
Eren's spine slouched forward like he was just kicked where it hurts, and I
snipped another uneven strand. At this rate, he's going to look worse than
before—but now as I thought about how unruly his hair looked this morning,
fresh from sleep with bed head, I took back my phrasing because nothing could
look worse than that.
Sure, he pulled off the look of having long hair, which is saying a lot because
many men can't, but him being a dirty, lazy teenager that doesn't know how to
properly groom himself (or bathe), the long locks of hair were anything but
voluminous and lax; it was like looking at a muddy mop that needed the grease
wrung out.
The unhealthy state of his hair could have been due to the excess moister in
the air, too. Hair tends to suffer under those conditions, but there wasn't any
way to avoid it.
Currently, it's nearing the second week of February, which meant spring was
just around the corner and soon the flowers buds would bloom and bring a fresh
wave of humidity right after—but seasons didn't play any role where we lived.
The flowers soon to be sprouting couldn't be seen from below the soil.
The underground city—it's a dark, damp place free of any active plant life or
weather. I haven't seen rain or snow in years, but a part of me saw that as a
blessing, but I still missed the changing seasons sometimes. Having no seasons
wasn't as glamorous as it seemed, though.
Since sunlight never touched this city, it was constantly under a cold veil,
even in the summer. Firewood is expensive since you have to buy it from local
stalls instead of chopping some yourself, so heat wasn't the easiest thing to
obtain.
I've grown used to it, though. I've grown used to a lot of things by living
down here. For one, the anxiety that came with my claustrophobia became nearly
nonexistent now. It was hell for the first few months—I really did feel utterly
trapped down here. The uneasy feeling of never seeing the wide open sky and
knowing I could never leave made the mineral ceiling hovering above the city
feel incredibly close. But over time, like many things, I sucked it up and got
used to it.
Living down here had its perks, though. The neighborhood we lived in wasn't
great, but it was safe; very similar to my old neighborhood. It was filled with
honest criminals that didn't mean any harm to anyone, they were just trying to
get by like the rest of us.
Also, Military Police are rarely spotted down here, which was a gift on its
own. Sometimes I'd spot the patch of that hideous green unicorn in a crowd
while out shopping, but it wasn't a daily obstacle I had to avoid.
They didn't dwell down here likely because they had no intention of serving and
protecting the rats down here, so any business they had here was illegal on
their part.
People fended for themselves here—there weren't any laws to abide, but there
was an unspoken rule of order that ran the city and kept it peaceful enough to
sleep soundly at night. Just like above the surface, there's still a lot of
violence, robberies, drugs and prostitution, but so long as you didn't get
mixed up in those crowds, you were just another citizen in the backdrop.
Eren, Mikasa and myself all shared this roof together and lived comfortably. We
lived in a simple loft-styled home with a small, open concept kitchen and
living room (which was meant to be used as a dinning room, but we plopped a
couch in there and the interior-decorating was complete). There's a rickety
spiral staircase that led to an overhang that overlooked the first floor. The
space was meant to be a sitting room, but Eren and I turned it into a bedroom
given that there's only one small bedroom on the first floor which had become
occupied by Mikasa.
If you follow the second set of stairs on the top floor, it will bring you to
the roof, which had become cluttered with Eren's exercise equipment over time.
I didn't mind him using the space as his own domain though, the only time I
went out there was when I had laundry to hang up to dry.
When we first moved here, I intended to give the kids the bigger space upstairs
and occupy the small bedroom, but Eren wouldn't have it. He threw a fit, saying
how he wanted to share the space with me. It worked out in some ways, and
become more inconvenient in other ways as time passed.
When they were kids, the idea of them sharing a bedroom was fine, but it was
good that Mikasa had her own private room now, her being a teenage girl and
all. She's close with her brother, but I imagine it would be awkward to share a
bedroom together at their current age, especially now that Eren was a very
horny teenager that didn't know how to keep his hands out of his pants at
night—but let's allow him to continue thinking he's being stealthy about it.
The inconvenient part about the sleeping arrangements is how Eren and
I still share that space together, even now after he'd grown. When he was a
kid, it wasn't a big deal, but a teenager sharing a bed with a nearly-thirty
year old man that had no blood relations to him was anything but normal.
Personally, I didn't mind, but I wasn't so sure about how Eren felt about it
anymore.
With a clap, I wiped my hands together. "Welp, you're all finished."
I stood to my feet and Eren picked himself up off the floor a beat later.
Tousling his hair, he shook the loose hairs still clinging to him.
Weightlessly, the remaining flyaways floated to the floor and he rotate to face
me, darting a low smirk.
How aggravating.
Eren stood taller than me now—myself barely peeking over his shoulder.
A lot of changes were made to Eren over the years, not just his height. The
only thing that altered on me was the number of wrinkles between my brow
that this brat caused.
Eren no longer had his baby face; his chubby cheeks were replaced with defined
cheekbones that were complimented with a sharp jaw. I was almost envious of his
naturally tanned skin—with a lack of sunlight I became even paler over the
years, making the dark circles around my eyes more prominent.
Unlikely me, Eren had a healthy, youthful glow about him, where I looked pretty
worn out and tired—not that I aged much. Luckily, I still didn't look my age
and I don't think that will catch up with me anytime soon. It was funny,
really, how fast Eren caught up to me in terms of looks. He might be a
teenager, but his body and features made him look well into his twenties.
Eren was so determined as a kid to become taller than me, and God decided to
play a cruel trick and let his wish come true. A few years ago, before his
sudden growth spurt, he would often prance around in his high-pitched voice
saying: 'Just watch! One day I'll top you!'
I decided not to tell him how poorly chosen those words were because of the
double-entendre.
It pissed me off how he'd always have that satisfied smirk on his face when
he'd look down at me, like right now. It was his way of reminding me of his
promise back then, like he was saying a big, 'Told ya' so.'
"Clean this up." I flicked a finger down and pointed at the heap of brunette
curls cloaking the flooring.
"Ugh, can't it wait?"
"Your greasy hair is all over the floor—no, it can't wait." You'd think he'd
accept that he has to keep a tidy space after all this time, but the dumbass
hasn't learned a damn thing over the years. In fact, he was more cleanly when
he was a kid.
Now he's just a dirty sloth and I had to drill cleaning instructions into his
ear every day, so much so that Eren claims I still gave out chores in my sleep.
Apparently, the most recent quote was: 'Dust the goddamn baseboards, Eren.'
An exaggerated sigh later, Eren retrieved a hand-held brush and dustpan from
under the sink, and I sat heavily into the dining chair, an arm draped behind
the backrest.
Bending into a kneel, Eren swept up the strands cluttering the floor—and I
couldn't stop my eyes from tracing along the taut indentations of his shoulder
blades and muscles jutting through his moss-colored shirt.
I cupped a hand over my gaze, rubbing my temples in vexation as I did.
Yes, Eren had indeed grown up—and grown in all the right places, I might
add—but he was still a teenager that was half my age. I knew this, and yet I
peeled my hand off my eyes and stole another look at him.
Eren's body had brawnly filled out due to his daily routine of working-out up
on the rooftop, and I should also add he had an awful habit of walking around
shirtless afterward to show off the sweaty progress he was making.
Eren lifted himself up and I averted my gaze quickly as he walked past me, but
it didn't stray long. When Eren turned to me after dropping the contents of the
dustpan in the bin, my eyes were still absentmindedly glued to him, and he
cocked his head, a curious smile appearing on his lips.
"Why are you staring at me like that?"
I almost uttered a sharp 'shit' out loud from getting caught.
I came up with an excuse on the spot for my 'rude' stare. "Just admiring the
great job I did—that haircut reminds me of the one you had as a kid." I sighed
with phony nostalgia, "I miss that little bed-wetter sometimes."
Panic invaded him, his face glowing with rosy embarrassment. "T-That was one
time! Are you ever gonna let me forget that?!"
"No, and it was two times." I chuckled about it now, but at the time I was
beyond pissed at the mess he made—but the memory wasn't really causing my
amusement, it was Eren's current reaction. "Still can't believe you pissed up
my whole back. You used to cling to me like a tick back then when you slept."
"Keyword: Used to. You shouldn't make fun of me, I was just a kid."
He acts like it was so long ago—it's only been a few months shy of two years
since that custom ended. A while after he turned thirteen he started becoming
quite reserved in that sense; it only got worse when he hit fourteen. "It's a
miracle you stopped at all—I thought you'd be glued to me forever."
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm too old for that childish shit now."
What a tough guy. Hard to believe this is the same punk that cried in
frustration the other day when I taught him a new math formula.
"Funny how you say that, yet you're still young enough to share a bed with me."
He gave me a look. One of my looks. I taught him well. "I don't really have a
choice. Mikasa deserves to have her own bedroom and your gigantic bed is big
enough for both of us to have our own separate space." He folded his arms, then
added, "Why does someone your size need such a big bed anyway? Seems like your
overcompensating for something."
"Oi, I'll have you know it's necessary since your big ass takes up eighty
percent of the bed."
Eren flicked his head away, like he was losing interest in this conversation.
"Yeah right. I sleep like a rock. There's no way I move anywhere near your side
and disturb you."
"Bullshit. You're a wild sleeper. Half the time you nearly kick me out of bed."
Doubt filtered over his gaze. "Right, and if that's true, then why are you only
telling me this now?"
"Why indeed."
We silently decided to end the conversation there after Eren gave me a peering
look. He leaned back into the counter with crossed arms as minutes past. He
stared out the kitchen window, which offered a horrible view of the dark and
gloomy neighboring houses, but my eyes weren't interested in looking where his
attention was grabbed.
"...What?" he cut the silence, and I was thrown off since he spoke without
landing his eyes on me once. "You've been sending me weird looks all morning."
Dazed by him detecting my stare without even looking, I was overcome with a
disgusting thing called insecurity. "I'm allowed to look whatever I damn well
please."
"You're definitely in a weird mood today," he breathed out, pulling up his
sleeves and revealing his hard, chiseled forearms.
". . . . . ."
The truth is, I lied before.
Eren wasn't a wild sleeper. And he never came close to kicking me off the bed.
He slept quite soundly on the far end of the mattress, facing the other way
from me.
Sometimes I was immature enough to think he was doing it out of spite and I had
the urge to downgrade the bed to a smaller size just so he'd have no other
choice but to sleep closer to me...but the follow up thought would be:
 Why would I even want him sleeping anywhere near me? What, so he could
suffocate me and piss on me like he used to?
Old habits die hard, I guess.
My body must have gotten used to his arms holding me as I slept, and I
subconsciously found it hard to adjust to his arms slowly drifting further away
from me.
Sometime later, Mikasa arrived back from finishing some errands, breaking the
awkward silence in the room. She welcomed Eren with an upward tilt in her
brows. "You cut your hair," she reached out to touch and he flinched, but she
ruffled up his hair anyways, a way to wear it in, you can say. He grumbled,
annoyed by the doting affection. "I like it."
"Actually, Levi cut it."
She removed her hand from him, and he quickly put his hair back in place
fussily.
"You did a good job." She turned to me. "You should cut mine too."
"You want it shorter?"
She took a long strand of her hair and examined it. "Yeah. It's kind of getting
in my way. It's always in my eyes too."
"Sure, I'll do. Just tell me when you want it done."
"Thanks, maybe in a few days. I still need a little more time to decide."
Mikasa and I have become very close over the years—she wasn't as timid around
me anymore and we often shared long talks together. Our bonding was the result
of looking after Eren and along the way we discovered we shared a lot of
similar opinions.
Most of the time, we had to stick together and keep that dumbass brother of
hers out of trouble. The kid undoubtedly had some serious anger issues that
built up once he reached the peek of puberty, and even though he seemed mild
and friendly at home with us, he was a different person all together once he
walked outside.
Mikasa and I once agreed that it felt like we had to walk him on a leash in
public. The idiot always got mixed up in trouble some way or the other. He'd
pick fights with random people who gave him or one of use even the tiniestounce
of attitude or even a simple dirty look. These confrontations would normally
end with Eren getting his ass kicked and Mikasa or myself having to finish what
he started.
He reminded me of myself as a teenager, except I actually knew how to defend
myself and wouldn't start shit if I felt unevenly matched—but Eren was too
stupid to learn from past mistakes. He was even dumb enough to start brawls
with the same people who already handed him his ass many times before.
Trying to take on the role of a proper guardian, I tried questioning him on his
motives behind being so reckless, but he'd simply rise his shoulders
disinterested and say something like, 'I was bored'or 'I was in a bad mood.'
There was never a solid explanation as to why he turned so rebellious all of a
sudden, but I tried to sweep it under the rug and brand it as natural behavior
for a troubled teenager. He's a hormonal wreck with an unpleasant past, so I
considered myself lucky that he just had a tough-guy complex and didn't resort
to other matters to let out his frustrations. He could have easily turned to
drugs and getting girls knocked up if he wanted, but he didn't and I was damn
lucky he had a simple case of rebellion and remained an untainted punk.
All in all, Eren was still an idiot, just a bigger idiot now.
                                      ~x~
"Whether it's fucking February or August it's always cold. Tch." I battled with
my blanket, trying to fluff up the fabric, hoping that would thicken it and
keep the chill air from sneaking underneath. You'd think I'd be used to this by
now, but I wasn't. I could adjust to everything but the cold. Living in a
fucking cold cave underground utterly sucked.
It was a little past ten at night, but I've been trying to fall asleep for two
hours now. My body wouldn't stop quaking, which resulted in keeping Eren awake
on the other side of the bed. He was quiet about it at first, but after I kept
voicing complains, I sensed he was getting irritated. But that's too bad. If I
can't sleep he's not allowed to either, someone needs to listen to my bitching.
I sneezed, and that sudden break in the sound startled Eren from drifting back
to sleep. With the way he suddenly jumped up in fright, I thought the kid wet
the bed again for the first time in years.
I sniffled and groaned nasally into my pillow. Even my own jokes weren't
helping; I couldn't take my mind off of how freezing it is, and now to add to
my annoyance, I had a runny nose.
"Are you getting sick?" he asked, and I was surprised to discover his voice
didn't have a pinch of irritability laced in it.
"No, I don't get sick."
Later, I woke up at an ungodly hour of the morning sicker than a dog.
Not only did I have a fever, but I was on the verge of puking my brains up any
second. Just to add another layer of aggravation, I couldn't stop sneezing,
which resulted in giving me a migraine. Sitting at the edge of my bed, I
slouched; my head nearly between my knees as I constricted my arms around my
stomach and groaned in pain.
"Ugh this is disgusting."
"Just blow your damn nose already. I want to go back to bed sometime tonight
and I won't be able to if you keep sniffling and sneezing." Eren was seated
beside me, a tissue box in his lap.
I had woke him up with my nasally complaints, and he stood from a dead sleep
and got some tissues and medicine for me. It was a rare occurrence for me to
get sick—I haven't caught a cold since I lived on the streets of Wall Sina as a
teenager. I always considered myself very hygienic and steered clear of germs,
so it must be strictly the cold that triggered the sickness, even though I've
bared through worse temperatures while living down here.
My sudden illness was a mystery; a mystery I didn't want to figure out because
I was too damn sick to care.
I wiped my nose and tossed the tissue into the bin and sniveled at Eren beside
me and ran my red, swollen eyes on him up and down.
"You'll be the next one to get sick of you don't put a shirt on."
He dipped his chin, as if to conform that, yes, he was in fact shirtless, like
he always was when he slept. "Nah, I'm always boiling hot. The cold doesn't
effect me."
"Well aren't you a special snowflake, or a sunspot, whatever the fucking
phras—achoo!"
"Bless y—"
"If you say that one more time, the next sneeze will be directed at you face."
"Well someone's crankier than usual." He took my temper lightly and sighed,
"Just try to lay down, sitting up will only make you worse."
Following his advice, I laid my head back down on the pillow and shivered into
the mattress that had now lost all my body heat.
I closed my eyes as I heard Eren's footsteps circle around to the other side of
the bed. I peeled my eyes open as he lifted his covers up, and I assumed he was
just going to crawl underneath and try to fall back to sleep, but instead he
came back to my side, his blanket in hand.
"You need this more than me," he tossed the blanket carelessly over me, the
fabric landing over my face.
I pulled the blanket down off my eyes so I can look at him again, but by the
time I did he went missing from the picture. Weakly, I tilted my head to see he
returned to his side of the bed.
"Are you warmer?"
I shrugged into the pillow. "Barely—but thanks, I guess."
I rolled my body in the opposite direction of him and bundled the soft cloth
against my icy cheeks, that quickly thawed from Eren's body heat still trapped
in the blanket. I breathed against the fabric deeply, and then secretly cursed
my nose for being clogged. Peeved, I resorted to falling back to sleep.
                                      ~x~
                                ~Mikasa's_POV~
I arrived in the kitchen to find a little bundle of cloth propped in the
dinning chair that I previously mistaken for laundry. When I rotated around the
table, that bundle of blankets was revealed to be Levi wrapped up and shivering
as he struggled to get some hot soup in his stomach.
Eren was close by, tapping the back of the neighboring chair and asking Levi if
he needed anything else as Levi kept reassuring him that he was fine. It seemed
as though I walked in on Eren being troublesome as usual, and Levi looked more
than bothered by being asked for updates on his condition every passing minute.
Finally, Eren pointed his worrying gaze off Levi and onto me.
"Hey Mikasa, can you keep an eye on him? I'm afraid if I leave him sitting up
alone he'll faint or something."
"I might be sick but I'm not a five year old that needs to be babysat."
Nasally, Levi grumbled between us. Now it did actually feel like he was a
little child and Eren and I were his adoring parents. Well, Eren more than me.
Wanting to satisfy Eren and also Levi so he could eat in peace without being
pestered, I offered this, "You don't mind if I keep you company, right Levi?"
He twitched his neck, the gesture came off as something between a shrug and a
nod. "Yeah it's fine." He pointed his thumb back at Eren, "I rather you here
than this big headed idiot."
"That's what I get for taking care of you all day?! You're cold..."
"I'm freezing, actually."
Said that man wrapped in two thick blankets.
"But listen to me, stop worrying. Go do your thing. Me and Mikasa will be
here."
"Alright—keep a careful watch on him." After prying his eyes off Levi, he gave
me a quick glance and left with that strict demand still lingering behind.
Levi watched Eren until he was out of sight, then he returned his eyes back to
his bowl and stared absentmindedly.
Pulling out a chair beside him, I sat and folded my arms on top of the table,
tapping my fingernails. I took a deep breath through the nose which probably
made Levi envious of me since his nose is currently stuffed up.
I watched as Levi stirred his steaming soup boredly and made no attempt at
lifting the spoon to his lips. I knew he had a stomach virus of some kind,
along with other flu symptoms, so I thought I'd say something to perk up his
appetite.
"Eren has become a great cook over the years, hasn't he?"
He shrugged Eren's talent off like it was no big deal, but I knew that Levi
loved the dishes he prepared more than anything else. Eren has improved his
culinary skills, which I was very proud of. It was nice to see him have a
hobby, but he still couldn't grasp the basics of baking, and with that thought
I was reminded that my birthday was coming up and my stomach curled thinking of
the lumpy cake I had in store for me.
"At least I don't have to scrap my tongue of all the garbage he used to use as
seasoning as a kid." I thought I saw a nostalgic half-smile, but it disappeared
too quickly to know for sure.
Levi motioned his lips, but the sound took a longer than I thought it would to
come out. "...Eren sure was a determined kid though, I'll tell you that. When
he sets his mind to something, he does it—well, sometimes."
A longing look filtered over his glassy, droopy eyes, but a bitter look overall
invaded his features. He looked to have lost his appetite completely now
because he left his spoon stranded on the table.
I leaned my head into my cupped palm and inspected Levi, who didn't notice my
glare on him.
After living in this house with Eren and Levi over the years, I can safely
confirm that they are both morons.
Every time I was in the same room with the two of them, I always felt like we
were all ignoring the obvious elephant in the room—them more than me, since
they had an inability to speak their mind. But in a way, so did I, simply
because it wasn't my business; it's a personal issue between them. So, I kept
my mouth shut and never pointed out the obvious problem in the room.
But—
Being a witness to them avoiding the important topic at hand was
agonizing—along with the way those two stare at each other when the other isn't
looking and how they always take a step back when the other is standing too
close.
These are petty cues, but they're so painfully clear.
I can expect this behavior from Eren because he's a gawky teenager and never
had much talent with socializing with anyone other than Armin and myself, but
Levi is an entirely different case. He's nearly thirty years old. It's sad
actually, its like the guy never had voiced his feelings before and doesn't
know how to properly show them. It's a natural trait most pick up over the
years, but he clearly never got the hang of it.
When we first moved here, you couldn't pry Eren off Levi if you tried. Eren
would run around the house proudly stating how much he loved Levi. He always
wanted him in his reach so he could drown him in physical affection. Levi acted
like this bothered him, but the warm smiles he'd give when he thought no eyes
were on him helped me see pass that.
But now... Eren has drifted. They were far from distant from each other,
though. They were close, like two-brothers-that-bickered-but-deeply-cared-for-
each-other close, but the affection between them had completely vanished—which
I shrugged off and got used to, but once I saw it effecting Levi, I knew
something was wrong.
I suspected Eren's sudden change might've been due to his anger issues that
worsened over the years. He was far from cold, but he's gotten more bitter and
his hate for petty matters increased. I figured—since he was going through a
personal phase—he didn't have the desire to give Levi the same treatment he did
as a kid anymore because of his mood swings.
But—that wasn't quite it. It's more like Eren thinks there's a clear wall
between them, and Levi feels he's trapped inside, stuck simmering in his own
emotions because he believes he won't be heard through the glass.
The affection between them completely stopped one day and that's the day I
notice Levi slowly turn into a little puppy that had been forgotten by its
master.
They were inseparable, you can say. They still were—the two seemed to always be
near each other and bickering friendly, but compared to how they were a year or
two ago back, it was like they were strangers sometimes.
When Eren was a kid, he would sit on top of his lap and they'd read together,
or Levi would carry him around for no particular reason and leave kisses on his
forehead. This was normal behavior between a parental figure and kid—but Levi,
as much as he raised us, was not our parent, so the reason behind those
gestures was personal gain, you can say. It wasn't necessary on his part, but
he did it anyways because it made him happy.
Thinking back to those memories—it didn't exactly surprise me to see that stop.
Eren was a little too big to sit on his lap or be carried around anymore, but
for it to suddenly stop completely was the unsettling part about it. To put it
simply, I had trouble accepting it.
I know what Levi is thinking. He thinks Eren doesn't like him anymore, or that
he did something wrong somewhere along the line, but he's wrong and I'm going
to prove him wrong. If these boys know me as well as they think they do, they
know I can only keep my lips sealed for so long before I have to speak up and
address the obvious issues at hand.
I've had enough of it. I'll force those two cowards to realize their feelings
even if that means I have to resort to playing the part of the bad guy who
points the elephant out in the room. It's unavoidable when dealing with two
idiots like them.
"You really got it bad, Levi."
My sudden words cutting the silence propped his head up from his daze, and he
blinked a few times as if replaying my words in his head. He returned his bored
stare to his soup, that had now chilled. "Not really. It's just the flu. It'll
be gone in a few days."
"I'm not talking about that."
Levi sniffled at me with a wincing expression, like having to think just gave
him a headache. "Okay. Then what are you referring to?"
I couldn't look at him. He might be a small, cranky man but the intimation that
radiated from him was uncanny. "...You got it bad for Eren."
Tensely, I peeked back to see his reaction. Levi's features twisted in baffled
amusement; definitely not a look I expected, but I knew how he felt and I was
going to force it out of him and make him look at it.
"Shit. Don't tell me you're testing out the local street drugs. You were always
my favorite and you know I want the best for you."
I skipped over his attempt to change the subject. I folded my hands on my lap
and kept my gaze focused there. "I was filled in years ago, you know. About
Eren's little crush on you, he told me about it."
I couldn't tell if he was insulted or surprised by the sough he uttered. "Okay?
He was, what, twelve? Twelve year olds say things like that. What's that have
to with me?"
"I noticed how much Eren drifted from you... and I noticed how much you been
suffering because of it." I was in deep now—there was no going back. I hated to
get involved, really I did, but I can't ignore this anymore.
"...My little Mikasa is on drugs. Such a shame. And to think you were once so
innocent and didn't even know how babies were made."
"For christ sake Levi, stop lying to yourself." I raised my voice and darted a
harsh glare on him, his eyes bulged and the small curve on his lips slide down.
"I—I see the way you look at him."
He swallowed hard, and he flinched as if that upsetted his sore throat. The
cocky air around him blew away. He tried to hide that previous expression with
a sarcastic one. He was still trying to take the casual approach, I see. Damn,
he's more stubborn than Eren.
"Since when are you an 'expert' at reading people? Well, suppose you're not,
since you're completely off course."
"I love Eren so I can spot another person who does too."
He let the blankets roll of his shoulders and regarded me strictly. "Whoa—I'm
gonna have to stop you there. I don't love Eren. I care about the brat in a
family-type way, maybe, but I wouldn't go as far as love."
"The fact that you assumed I'm not talking about the same family-love I have
with him automatically proves you love him romantically."
He shook his head, looking baffled and insulted at my sharpness. His ire rose.
"You're not even fifteen yet, Mikasa. You don't even know what words
like romantic or love means."
"And you do? Could've fooled me."
"...What happened to the quiet kid you used to be? I miss her. Bring that girl
back, please."
"I'm being serious. Let's skip over the denial, you and I are closer than that.
He's just a dumb teenager, why are you so afraid of just talking to him?"
"Um, you answered your own question: it's because he's a dumb teenager.
Honestly, I'm nearly thirty and you think I'm into some bratty fifteen year
old? Hell, he's not even fifteen yet. Give me a break."
"You know what we call people like you in my culture? A tsundere."
"I don't even want to know what that means."
"Well if you change your mind, just look at yourself if you want the
definition."
Growing angrier by the minute, he balled his fist on the table. I couldn't tell
if he was genuinely mad though, since he always acted like he had a stick up
his ass. A part of me believed he was playing the part of being pissed just so
he had an excuse for his redden cheeks.
"Alright, I'll humor you." He said, and I already knew this was his way of
telling me how he truly felt without being direct. "Hypothetically speaking, it
would never work even if I did have'feelings' for the brat. For one, I'm twelve
years older than him. Just thinking of dating him is considered a crime."
"Says the same person who still actively robs and pickpockets people. Yeah, you
totally follow the law." I rolled my eyes at his pathetic excuse.
"Stifle it," he took a long drink as he gathered more thoughts, or excuses,
then slammed the mug down, "and secondly, it would unrequited 'love' since he
doesn't even see me that way anymore."
Just the fact that he keeps referring to love and feelings sarcastically was a
dead giveaway on his part. "If you actually believe that, you're a bigger moron
than Eren, and that's saying a lot."
Over the years, we've become as close as family, and just how I saw Eren as a
brother, I was starting to see Levi as one too—he was a short, old and cranky
brother, but a brother nonetheless. What I'm trying to say is, I'm starting to
understand Levi just as well as Eren. They aren't terribly complicated when you
just look at them as a whole, and even though Eren is much, much easier to
read, Levi is still an open book himself. He may think his pokerface is
flawless, but when Eren enters the room, his hidden deck is clearly revealed.
"Just drop it," he said bitterly as he looked in the opposite direction at
nothing in particular. "Eren was a stupid kid back then that was desperate for
love because he lost his parents. Once he got old enough, he realized how
stupid he was for having a crush on some thug twice his age. At least the kid
got clever with age."
"Are you kidding me? Both of you got stupider with age."
He looked me harshly in the eye. "I'm telling you, the kid made an innocent
mistake. He had a little crush on me and he grew out of it. Its not like me and
Eren aren't close, so I don't see the problem you're trying to address here,
Mikasa. I could understand if we weren't getting along, but our relationship is
suffering in the slightest. In fact, we're way closer than when he was a kid,
but he grew out of that affectionate stage. All kids do. Even I did. It's
natural."
He's breaking. I just have to drill my words a little deeper.
"No. He's still that same kid, he's just stupid and angry at everything now and
doesn't know how to deal with his emotions anymore. He probably just feels
awkward and intimidated by you now that your both older. He knows he can't get
away with the same shit he did as a kid. He's afraid to make a move because
there's responsibilities and consequences involved now."
Levi rolled his eyes and pursed his lips. After a few minutes, I knew I wasn't
getting a reply.
I had to try something risky. Levi will never be open about how he feels if I
don't try a new tactic. If I force the truth out him, he'll have no way of
taking it back. My heart fluttered at the words about to escape my lips. I
dipped my head shamefully. "Levi he's in love with you, he told me
recently—this is why I brought this up, just to see where your feelings stood."
He jolted his head up and sharply turned it back my way. His brows lifted
higher than I ever saw them ever reach before. "Really?"
Damn. That was almost painful to see. I winced. I almost feel sorry for doing
that, but I made progress.
"No, actually, he didn't. I'm sorry—"
His shoulders slumped in anger, and he hissed though his teeth.
I rose my voice over his temper. "But you sure didn't reacted like a person who
'doesn't have feelings for some brat'."
Levi slammed his palm down on the table and used that as leverage to stand.
"Funny joke." The blankets raveled down to the floor and he looked down at me
with a threatening glare.
That was hurtful, I realize that, but I did it for his own good. I put my
attention on my folded hands on the table.
"Levi, I wasn't trying to upset you. I just wanted to prove something—or help
you prove something to yourself. Eren is so slow when it comes to reading
others emotions and you know how emotional he got since puberty hit him. He's
drowning in his own emotions and doesn't have the time to look into others.
He's probably just trying to work on himself at the moment, you know?"
I paused to swallow, his harsh gaze on me was unnerving, but I kept my voice
strong. I continued, "Just because he's going through his own weird teenager
phase doesn't mean he suddenly has zero feelings for you. Trust me, Eren
doesn't let go that easy. Once he got his mind set on something
there's no stopping him."
"Oh yeah? Well he stopped pursuing me a while ago." His sentence started off
strong, but the intensity diluted and soon he was sinking back into the chair
with a heavy sullen expression weighing him down. It was as if he reminded
himself of how much he and Eren drifted.
His voice lowered by a few notches, "Mikasa... I honestly couldn't tell you how
I feel. I realize what you're trying to do here, but it's a useless effort. It
really isn't going to change Eren and it's not going to help me figure out my
own opinions on the subject."
"Well if I can't help, maybe Eren could. Why don't you two try to figure it out
together?"
"Tch.You're the one who brought it up. Why should I have to finish whatever it
is you started?"
"Because it inconveniences me."
"How."
I straightened up and looked him directly in the eyes. "There's a lot of
examples I could give, but let's just say it's kind of hard not to lose my
appetite when you keep eye-fucking my brother across the table every time we
eat together." I took the heaviest example I could think of and threw it right
at his shocked face.
". . . . . ."
That shut him up—but that wasn't actually my goal.
There were many other cues he gave without realizing. Most recently, I went up
to the roof to bring up a basket of dirty laundry that needed to be washed. I
knew Levi was up there, so I assumed he just went on and started without me—but
instead seeing him precisely scrubbing at the clothes like I expected, he was
seated soundly with Eren's shirt tucked close to his nose as he whiffed the
fabric. Mysteriously, that shirt (which is Eren's favorite) went missing after
that and then magically appeared a few days later.
But sure, he doesn't 'love' him at all. Right.
"Where is Eren right now?"
"On the roof...Why do you want to know?" Suspicion caught up with him on the
latter half of his sentence.
Pressing my palms against the table, I pulled myself up. "I'm gonna go talk to
him."
He hoped up in a flashed and grabbed my shoulders, looking me right in the eye
as he pulled me to sit back down with him. "No. Stop. You're reading too much
onto this."
"No, I'm reading you. Just let me talk to him, just like I did with you. He
doesn't have to know we had this conversation—I'll just ask him how he feels.
I'll leave it alone after that."
"Mikasa if you're upfront about it and just ask him, I'll—"
I cut him off before he could warn me of the consequences. "I'm capable of
being subtle."
But just as I was about to add in another word of reassurance, I interrupted
myself and heard the hard footsteps coming down the stairs. Levi's eyes widened
on me and he mouthed the words "not another word about this."
I closed my eyes with a genuine nod.
"Hey," Eren walked in, living a trail of energetic energy behind. Neither of us
greeted him back as he strut over to the tap for a drink of water. He leaned
against the counter, his glass in hand. After a long drink, he said, "How are
you feeling Levi?"
"I'm fin-"
"I think his fever is getting worse." I butted in, and Levi's brows knitted on
me.
Eren's head tilted and he pushed himself off the counter. "It shouldn't be. His
temperature was a little high but it couldn't have gotten worse in only a half
hour."
"The thermometer must be broken. You should just feel his head to see if he's
hotter."
"Why do I have to do it? You do it, you're closer to him." Bothered, he
shrugged and lifted the glass up to his lips again.
I cornered my eyes on Levi and he gave a questioning lift of his shoulders,
looking at me with a face that said: 'what the hell are you doing?'
"I need a second opinion, Eren. Just feel his head."
Eren stared at him. Levi stared right back without a word, "Levi would kick my
ass if I touched him with my sweaty hands."
"The sink is right behind you."
With a temper rising, Eren slammed his glass down on the table. Arms tense, he
squeezed the backrest of the chair beside Levi and bent forward. I didn't make
a reaction as his voice hit me across the table. "Why the hell are you making
this into such a big deal, Mikasa?"
"Why won't you just touch Levi?"
". . . . . ."
Annoyed, he breathed sharply through his nose, but it turned into a chortle.
"You guys are freaks, I'm going upstairs."
"Fine, but take Levi with you. He needs his rest."
"I'm not actually tire—"
"He's delirious because he needs sleep." I stated in an urgent tone.
Now Eren and Levi were both giving me dirty looks.
"I think the only delirious one here is you," Eren let out a laugh and paused
in front of Levi. "She's right though, you should get some rest."
"...He needs assistance getting up the stairs, you should just carry hi—"
"Quiet," Levi lashed at me and stood, his fist tense as he stood in front of
Eren, but his gaze drifted to his feet. "She's just worried. You know how she
gets when you come down with something."
"Yeah, I know. You have it easy. So you going to sleep or what?"
"...I'll be there in a second."
Eren shrugged with an 'alright' and left us behind, the room once again falling
silent.
Levi flicked a finger on my head, leaving a sting behind. I nursed the ache
with a rub.
"So much for being subtle," he whispered, knowing Eren was still in earshot
from the balcony.
"Hey, it worked."
"What did?"
"Notice how he wouldn't touch you and kept giving excuses like it was a big
deal?"
With an agreeing nod he folded his arms. "Yeah. I did notice that. Now you
proved he's repulsed by me. Thanks a lot."
"No, he was flustered. Levi, he's a hormonal teenager living with the guy he
likes. Do you know how nerve-racking that is? He probably thinks he won't be
able to hide his feelings or hold himself back if he lays a hand on you."
"That's only a guess, Mikasa. If it were true, then why is he hiding those
feelings at all?"
"He's probably just afraid of rejection, or losing you as a friend."
Levi sat back down. His expression weighing with a heavy question. I was ready
for it. He leaned in close to me, keeping his voice low. "Why are you doing
this, Mikasa? I mean—All these years I was always under the impression
that you were in love with Eren... so it forces me to believe you don't fully
understand what you're trying to accomplish. Even if we did—not saying we
do—but if we did have feeling for each other, that would mean Eren and I would
be together. Is that really what you want?"
I clicked my tongue. "Of course I love Eren. I love him more than anything in
this world, but that doesn't mean he belongs to me. I just want to see
him happy. If he had feelings for me, then I'd gladly accept them, but he
doesn't, he has feelings for you and I can't stand back and let him be unhappy
over not getting what he wants," I revealed a smile here, "You know how much I
spoil him, I just want him to have anything he desires. But in all seriousness,
I wouldn't mind a relationship between the two of you so long as he's happy."
Levi scrunched his lips to one side, hopefully pondering my words. Everything I
said was the truth. The love I have for Eren isn't simple—I couldn't categorize
it strictly as family love or romantic love; it was something entirely
different. I know I may not ever be able to describe my feelings accurately to
Levi for him to understand—but the simplest way to put it is I'm willing to do
anything to make Eren happy, even if I did think he was an idiot for falling
for a short old man. If a person like that makes Eren's life just a little bit
brighter, though, than I have no room for objections.
Besides, Levi wasn't an awful choice—I actually trusted him, and when it comes
to Eren, I don't trust anyone near him, but Levi was an exception. Just like
myself, he wanted a good life for Eren, and he was as strong as me so I knew he
was safe with him. And most importantly, he wasn't afraid to put everything on
the line, including his life, just to protect Eren. That wasn't some empty
assumption, either. He's done it before and there wasn't a doubt in my mind
that he'd do it again if he had to.
Honestly, I couldn't think of a better suitor except for myself, but Eren's
heart didn't beat for me, it beat for Levi, I was sure of it.
"I should add something, though." My strict tone grabbed his attention, "If you
two ever were to date, I will support the relationship—but God fucking help you
if you ever break his heart."
". . . . . ." Levi leaned back at my words floating before him, like they were
trying to close in on him and he wanted to escape their range. He tried to
collect his composure by giving an anxious chuckle. "You sound like an
overprotecting father."
He joked, but I snarled because I was dead serious and I would respect it if he
took my warning seriously."This isn't a joke—if you ever hurt him, I'll slice
your flesh apart."
"...Good to know." With that warning stinging into his brain, he picked himself
up and went upstairs.
                              ~Mikasa's_POV_End~
                                      ~x~
Trying to fall asleep ended in failure.
I tossed and turned and tried to lull myself to sleep by playing soothing songs
in my head as I watched the wax melt down the lit candle on my nightstand, but
I couldn't block out the constant echo of Mikasa's words.
The nerve she had. Who does she think she is by putting me on the spot like
that? Her and I had our fair share of pointless conversations over the years,
but that one took the cake.
Did she really believe I had feelings for her brother?
With that thought lingering, I detected Eren's presence behind me when he
shifted his weight. I tsked, bothered by having to remember he was near. That
stupid brat was the cause of all this. He's why I'm so disoriented and can't
sleep—and no, it's not because I'm in ~love~ with him like Mikasa implied.
All I will admit is that I found the kid attractive, that's all, so it was a
natural reaction for my dick to perk up when I saw someone who fit my taste.
Back when Erwin and I used to hook up, it didn't matter that there was nothing
between us—not at first, anyway. I just thought he was attractive so I fucked
him. It was a simple system while it lasted. But with Eren, it's not that easy.
Even if he did still like me, (which I highly doubted) I can't just have a one
night stand with him because he lives with me—we spent all our nights together
and it couldn't end as a one time thing, meaning I would drift into the same
affair I had with Erwin, and I didn't want something like that to ever happen
again. It actually left me feeling hurt.
At the beginning of that relationship, I didn't care, but toward the end I
realized I did actually have some emotional attachment to the guy, and it ended
with us going separate ways. It left me promising myself to never get attached
to someone like that again.
Erwin and I were still friends, you can say. He came down to the underground
after his missions to check up on us and offer us money (which I never
tookdirectly), and we'd go out for drinks and talk, but the intimacy died
completely.
Erwin tried to make a move on me a few times (especially after returning from a
failed mission) but I always pushed him away. It felt pointless, because I knew
Erwin just wanted to fuck and I wanted something more—I know, I couldn't
believe it myself, but I am getting up in age, so perhaps I reached a point
where I wanted to calm down.
I lived a fast and wild life; a part of me really wanted to live simple and
stop involving myself with people that didn't give a shit about me. I got a
taste of how it felt to have a normal life because I lived with kids who cared
about me. After that, my old life, to a certain degree, wasn't fulfilling
enough.
It didn't mean I wanted a relationship or had a desire to 'settle down', I just
didn't see the point of it anymore. I was tired—mentally and physically—from
that old lifestyle.
Now that I thought about it, sleeping around in general felt pointless. My last
time with Erwin was the last time I even had sex. Given the fact I was the type
of person who couldn't keep it in my pants for longer than a month without
snapping, it was shocking—but I had more important matters to tend to, like
raising the kids. I couldn't exactly go out and find anyone to screw around
with when I had two needy kids tied to my hips.
Being abstinent didn't actually bother me, though, or I was just too busy to
notice that I was bothered. I lost interest in sex once I moved to the
underground. Just having the kids around was enough of entertainment, but that
changed once Eren got older.
Maybe it was because I was so sex deprived, but I couldn't get these fantasies
about Eren out of my head—it was a way of satisfying my sexual frustrations, I
guess. It goes without saying that I'm a guilty of being a filthy pervert.
The tiniest things, like him stretching and revealing some of his abs or that
husky purr he spoke in after he woke up always sent me running for the bathroom
to pleasure myself. It was fucking pathetic. Eren wasn't even that special—he
was pretty ordinary and wasn't as built and masculine as Erwin, but something
about averageness turned me on even more.
He's not too over the top or overwhelmingly extreme. Yet he was far from
boring. For someone like me, who had nothing but ups and downs in life, it was
comforting knowing someone who rested somewhere in the middle.
It was the closest thing to contentedness I had for a while. Eren was
predictable—even when he was flying off the handle with anger. Being around him
felt safe—not like he was protecting me (I was always protecting him)—but
because I knew he wouldn't suddenly betray me without warning or use me. It
wasn't his style or in his blood.
Knowing that was comforting.
I thought, maybe, I just needed to get laid. With anyone. Just get these sexual
frustrations out of my system and maybe things would return to normal. Once I
got fucked, I wouldn't see him like that anymore—I thought he turned me on so
much just because he was the only attractive male I saw every day—but I wasn't
so sure about that when I attempted to 'get it out of my system' one night.
Even though I was drunk and met a decent looking person, I couldn't bring
myself to make a move on them. Every time I thought about it, I'd think about
Eren and how much I wanted to screw him. I ended up leaving the bar pissed off
and horny.
I hated how things turned out.
Everything was simple a few years ago. Sure, there were a lot more problems
back then, but all the chaos distracted me so I wouldn't get weird ideas in my
head like I do now. Eren had feelings for me as a child—and contradicting what
I told Mikasa earlier, a part of me felt a similar emotions toward him when our
bond became stronger.
I can't say when I started feeling this way—I guess it might have been the day
I saved Eren after he was kidnapped—the day I had all those awful ideas in my
head and how scared I was at the thought of losing him forever. When he was in
my arms and safe, I was filled with that warmness; the same kind I had as a
kid. And that warmness only increased later when I opened up to him and told
him things I never told anyone else.
And he accepted it all. Never judged me, never slipped in his own negative
opinion or advice or lectured me about needing to change. He just listened to
me and offered me soothing words, and told me that I made the right choices.
No one ever done that before.
After that point, I became much more protective over the kids because they
brought me happiness, real, pure happiness. I never left the house without
them, and Eren seemed to always be carried in my arms with Mikasa connected to
my hand. I started becoming something disgusting called a family man, I guess.
But the kids made me happier than the drugs or drinking or sex or mindless
violence ever did.
I once believed I could only achieve an artificial knock-off of that warmness
by having meaningless hook ups, but when my heart throbbed against Eren's while
he was in my arms that night, and I cried for the first time in about fifteen
years, I knew this kid was special, and he had the ability to thaw my heart.
Eren was the first person I ever cried in front of, excluding my parents, and
he was also the last. I haven't cried since that night and never had a reason
to because life was going smooth. Maybe I felt sentimental toward the brat
because of that, because I have learned over the years, despite telling myself
otherwise, that I was in fact sentimental.
He was my light during a dark time, and he offered me hope and taught me that I
still did have emotions and that I was still human and my heart was capable of
feeling warm. He gave me a wonderful gift without even realizing it.
But Eren changed. He didn't tell me he like-liked me anymore, he didn't lull me
to sleep by talking about our future plans anymore. He didn't hold me close as
we slept or beg for kisses or hugs anymore.
Eren grew up to realize how gross it was to like a person like me, and a part
of me drowned in depression at the mere thought, because how can I be repulsing
to someone who made me so happy? It made me feel like I did with Erwin; he was
ashamed to be seen with me, because of the person I was. And once Eren was old
enough to see the person I really am too, he shut me out.
It's typical, though. I should be used to it by now. No one in their right mind
would ever like someone like me, hell, I wouldn't either.
"Geez, you're making the whole bed shake." Eren roared in a groggy voice. I
must have woken him up again.
"I can't help it. I'm cold."
"I know—I wasn't saying I was annoyed or anything..." It sure seemed like it,
but then again Eren always sounded pissed off when he first woke up—and a sick
part of me really liked that assertive tone. This just proves how much of an
old pervert I've became.
"I just feel bad. I wish there were more blankets around for you to use."
"I already have yours and my own." If anyone should feel bad, it's me. Eren
claims the cold doesn't bother him, but I highly doubted he wasn't effected by
it at all, yet he still gave up his blanket for me.
It's shit like that that pisses me off. It puts weird ideas in my head, like he
still does have feelings for me, or whatever, but that was just my ego
speaking. I didn't want to except that I was really repulsing in his eyes and
his acts of kindness was a result of us being friends—or family, I don't really
know what to call the relationship between us.
"Since you're up, can you hand me my medicine and those tissues? I think I'll
collapse if I stand up right now."
"Sure." Stretching his arm over to the nightstand, he grabbed the box and
bottle and plopped them in front of me, then tucked his hand back under his
head. Woozily, I sat up, a blanket still wrapped around my shoulders. Feeling a
sneeze building up, I raced my hand to pluck a tissue and caught it in time.
"Maybe you should see a doctor."
I didn't even bother measuring the right amount into the cap, I just chugged
down the bottle of medicine until I felt quenched. "Maybe you should go back to
sleep and leave me alone."
"Can't, you keep shaking the whole bed—how can someone with such a small body
produce the same intense magnitude as an earthquake?"
I threw a used tissue at him.
"Real mature. I'll be sure to return the favor when I get sick."
"If you do, you're losing your legs."
"Are you really that desperate to be taller than me?" he snickered and this
time I throw the whole tissue box at him with a powerful swing.
"Ow! That hit my friggin' eye!" Eren threw the box at the wall hostility and
nursed the apparent wound by cupping his eye. "Argh..."
"Serves you right—and stop complaining. It shouldn't be a problem for you since
all your injuries always heal freakishly quick."
I couldn't help but notice that when Eren got in brawls around town that ended
with him getting cut up and bruised, he's injuries you soon vanish in the
matter of hours, sometimes less. No one really questioned it though—I just
assumed he had tough skin. It was still creepy, though.
Twitching his aching lid, he snarled at me. "Just because it heals fast doesn't
mean it doesn't hurt, asshole. You're so sensitive—I'm just pointing out the
obvious; you are small."
Oh, he's just asking for it now. I don't think his injuries will heal fast once
I get done with him. The brat was lucky I was sick or else I'd lunge at him and
kick his ass.
"At least I'm bigger in other ways—you're the one with the tiny prick."
"Excuse me?" Eager for a fight, he propped up with an insulted gaze directed at
me. "Just what makes you say that?"
"Don't try to hide it. Even Mikasa thinks it's small."
"You never even seen it! And Mikasa hasn't since we were kids, so shut up!"
Shit. Why did I bring up the topic of his dick? My mind just entered dangerous
territory.
"Just drop it."
"You brought it up," he laid his head back down, but still had to have the last
word, "And I'll have you know I'm not small, I grew up. I'm big...down there."
The confidence in his voice completely shattered, and an interested tone filled
mine. I guess it wouldn't be too awkward to keep the conversation going, since
he did end the sentence with a question begging to be answered. "...Fine then,
how big." I muttered, and suddenly I didn't feel cold anymore.
"Psh," he spit out cockily, "I'm like titan-size big."
"So you don't have a dick anymore? Interesting."
"No." It was too fucking easy to get him riled up. A part of me liked this
easily-angered Eren. "I meant if they did—I—Oh forget it, you ruined it. Why
are you so interested in my dick anyway, you old pervert."
That kind of stung—so of course me being a mature adult, I had to sting him
back. "I'm a pervert? You're the one that used to beg me to touch your dick."
"...Shut up. You're lying." He rolled over and abruptly ended the fun exchange.
Anger was apparent in his body language. "I'm going back to bed."
It was if the entire room shifted. What...the hell was that about? I thought
I'd get a rewarded with some snappy reply—this wasn't fun at all.
"Lying? Are you serious? It wasn't that long ago, Eren. Are you telling me you
actually forgot?"
"Probably, because I have no idea what you're talking about. Just go back to
bed."
". . . . . ."
Am I the only one who was lame enough to remember that night? God, I really am
pathetic—but something about that pissed me off. How can Eren say all that
stuff to me back then, then just forget about it like it never happened? Sure,
maybe the dumb kid didn't mean it, but that doesn't mean it didn't happen.
He tried to pretend he was asleep, but I knew he wasn't and spoke to his back,
"Maybe this will refresh your memory—it was a few days before Christmas, and
you were questioning me about puberty. You wondered if it was normal for a boy
to like another boy. I told you yes, and you told me about these urges you had
since you started to have a crush on me, or... something like that... The
memory is fuzzy for me too." It wasn't, actually, I remembered it perfectly,
every word, because the impact on Eren's words had my heart beating faster than
it ever did before. Of course someone couldn't forget that—except for Eren.
I actually made more sense back then—I remember telling myself that he didn't
know what a crush even meant, that it was just a phase—but for some reason I
trusted Eren's words more than my own, since I had a hard time believing myself
back then and he sounded more genuine, but it turns out I was right in the end.
I breathed heavy and tossed my head side to side in disappointment. Maybe
Mikasa's words inspired me earlier to give it a shot, finally, I don't know,
but I guess I just wanted to throw that memory out there, just to see his
reaction.
This will be my only attempt at seeing where his feelings stood—she wanted me
to talk to him, but I can't be that direct. If he insist that it wasn't
significant to remember, or if he refuses to admit those feelings were genuine
at the time, then I will drop it and I'll never touch this topic again.
"Stop teasing me. It's not funny."
My lips fell into a downward curve. I fiddled with my fingers in my lap. "I'm
not. I was just wondering where that kid went." I see now. He
probably did remember, but felt embarrassed by his past self. It's
understandable—I would feel ashamed when I grew into up too if I had a crush on
a person like me as a kid.
Silence invaded the room and I bit my lip. I feel so fucking stupid. This
always happens; I end up not saying enough or I say too much. This is why I
regret every every word that ever escaped my mouth. I flopped my head back down
on the pillow, covered myself and closed my eyes as I tried to block out
aftertaste of the words I spoke.
"I'm...still here..."
". . . ?"
"I never went anywhere. I-I'm still that kid." His trembling tone sounded
higher, like when he was a kid and was laced in moister; sorrow building up in
his throat.
I almost expected to see a twelve year old Eren when I hesitantly tossed over
to see his glossy eyes on me; that contrastive color burning through the
darkness. They looked the same as they did that night when he was sat on top of
me, feeling how fast my chest was beating.
I didn't know what to say—I couldn't really be sure what he meant by that vague
phrasing. If I spoke, I'd say something I regret again, so I let my mind race
again and thought about all the things I wanted to say.
When he received no reply, he shifted to his back and stared up at the ceiling
with a thoughtful expression. I anxiously waited as he licked his lips and
gathered his thoughts. "You know, I don't remember every detail from back
then—somewhere along the line my memories started getting choppy." Out of
nervous habit, he played with the string holding the key rested on his bare
chest, "But I do remember how I felt...and I also remember what I used to do
when you were cold."
My brows sunk in question but soon elevated, for his sudden movement toward me
had me shrinking back.
"Just stay still, would ya'?" he said gruffly as he trampled on his knees. I
gulped and only complied because if I scooted back anymore, I'd throw myself
off the edge of the bed.
I was shaking—and I tried to lie to myself and say it was because I'm cold, but
it was different this time. My nerves rattled as he lifted the blankets
defending me, letting in a cool breeze that made me shudder as he inched in
between the mattress and blankets. He tucked his arm under mine and reeled
himself in close by holding onto my back until his body was firmly against
mine.
Numbness filling me, I tensed up and held my breath, which didn't help with the
sudden light-headedness.
Licking his fingers, (an unforeseen gesture that put all kinds of ideas in my
filthy head), he reached over and extinguished the candle behind me with a
pinch of the wick. He then returned his hand back against the blade of my back.
". . . . . ."
Why is he doing this? That's all I kept repeating in my head. This was probably
just some weird fever dream—I was having some whacked out dreams earlier; that
was probably it—but when I felt his hot breath glaze against my bangs, I knew
it felt too real to be my imagination.
This is the first time Eren has held me like this in almost two years.
My eyes hooded and I stopped shivering in his arms completely. He's so
incredibly warm. A few minutes passed, and I actually felt sweltering, but I
wouldn't tell him that. He might just move away if I did.
"Thanks, Eren."
"I-It's not like you have to thank me."
Up until now, my arm was rested uncomfortably along my side, since I didn't
know where else to put it, but I decided to tuck my relaxed fist against his
bare chest—and then, tentatively, I allowed the webs of my fingers to spread
apart wide over his chest. The beat underneath quickened, but each beat pumped
so strong and solid.
I focused on my own breath, keeping it even. If I were to let my mind linger
now, my thoughts may just embody and clearly show through my face. I could tell
the simple task of breathing wasn't going as well for Eren, though. Long
inhales were taken in through his nose, and blew out choppily through his
teeth.
On top of the kid being a moron that didn't even know how to take care of
himself, he now forgot how to breathe properly. Great.
I tried to tease to loosen my nerves, but really, I think Eren and I both felt
the same way right now.
It's been a long time since we've been togetherlike this, so there was, of
course, some awkwardness and stiffness involved, but overall it felt right and
almost comforting. We just sort of belonged, like two pieces of a puzzle that
lost each other, but finally clicked back into place and showed the bigger
picture like the empty gap was never there to begin with.
It was as if all the anxiety that built up from wondering how Eren felt about
me—if he even had feelings for me anymore, or if he hated me or found me
disgusting—all became a long lost memory, because by scooting close and not
saying much, he gave me my answer. Eren was still that kid, like he announced.
He's just trapped in a bigger body, is all.
"Eren."
"Hm?"
There was this irritating tic in my head that kept moving my lips. I felt like
I had to keep talking, even though I knew he probably just wanted to go to bed,
but I ended up talking a lot when I'm anxious—it was a stupid habit. I realized
now that I called his name, but had nothing to say. Quickly, I rifled through
my head for an appropriate topic, but it did seem rather random.
"What do you want for your birthday?"
"It's not even Mikasa's birthday yet, shouldn't you be asking her?"
"She already told me she wants a new sewing kit. You're harder to shop for, so
I figured I should give myself a head start."
He shrugged against me, then readjusted his hold on me and I welcomed the
embrace fully by pressing my face into his peck. His muscles seem to be
loosening up now. He was so stiff when he first came over here.
"I can't really think of anything. I just want to spend time with you and
Mikasa, and I want your homemade cake, of course."
"Are you sure?" I was about to say something weird—but since Eren went as far
as holding me like this, it didn't seem totally inappropriate. This was all a
shock to me, but I'm pretty sure Eren just indirectly told me he still felt the
way he did as a child.
"I—could have sworn you wanted something else for your fifteenth birthday."
Maybe I jumped the gun by saying he loosened up, because his muscles tensed
around me. "U-Um I don't remember asking for anything in particular..."
Does he really think that tremble in his voice could fool me?
"We should probably just go to bed—honestly, I don't want anything—"
"I'll do it, Eren."
The top of my head felt an accumulation travel down his throat; he had
swallowed hard. "You—You'll do what?"
"It's okay if you don't want to ask upfront. I don't want to either. So, if
you want to, just give me a nod."
"Now wait a second, I can't just settle on that with a nod!"
"So you do remember." I said absently to myself, I really wasn't sure for a
second. I was, of course, referring back to the same night Eren revealed his
feelings for me. Toward the end of our conversation when I rejected him due to
his age, he asked me how old he had to be for us to get together—I said
fifteen, which was a dangerously young age, but screwing a teenager wasn't as
sinful as touching a child.
We still had to get through Mikasa's birthday, which was only a few days from
now. There was still a wait before we got to Eren's—we still have the rest of
February and March, since his birthday landed on the second to last day of the
month.
"We were talking about a lot of things at once back then. I'm not sure what
your suggesting, exactly."
He had a point, and the jumpiness in his voice told me he didn't want to bring
up the wrong thing. Our conversation back then was completely cluttered. We
mentioned screwing around on his birthday, but Eren was leaning
toward dating, I think—I recalled him saying something like he wanted me to
give him a chance.
Now, I couldn't agree on long-term conditions like a relationship over a simple
birthday gift—but I wasn't completely against having some mature fun together
with no strings attached. It goes against what I said earlier—if we were to do
it, it might turn into another affair similar to the one I had with Erwin. But
Eren's easier manipulated. If I told him it's only a one time thing, he'd
probably respect my wish.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't itching to have sex with him for my own
selfish reasons and sick kinks, but if the kid did still have feelings like he
implied, then I think him losing his virginity to a guy he liked isn't
aterrible idea.
"Wait—are you saying we can go on a...d-date?"
". . . . . ." Something tells me date isn't keyword for 'I want a
blowjob'. Damnit. I scratched irritatedly at my scalp and Eren picked up on
this.
"O-Or not—we can do whatever you're comfortable with."
"No, no, it's your birthday, it should be up to you." How can a horny teenage
boy pick a date over wild sex? There's indeed something wrong with him. How can
an idiot like him take the complicated route instead of something simple and
meaningless?
I'm practically saying I'll hand myself over and he can do anything he wants
with me for his birthday and he picks a fucking date. I didn't even have the
energy to tell him how badly he just screwed up.
"It doesn't have to be complicated or corny or anything..." he mumbled, "I just
want to spend time with you, I guess..."
"I already said it's fine. Where do you want to go?"
"I want you to decide that. Surprise me."
"...Huh."
"You heard me."
So not only am I not getting sex and had to spend the day with Eren like
I already do everyday, but I had to find a place to have this date? How did a
kid like this get my emotions so unordered and fluttery to begin with? Ew. It's
downright shameful.
"I guess I'll think of something."
He placed his smile on my forehead, and his lips widen enough to shift my hair.
"Make sure you pick a nice place."
"Fuck off. Just for that I'm bring you to a toxic waste site and you're going
to like it 'cause I said so."
"As if you'd step foot in a place like that."
"I'll just drop you off there. Happy fucking birthday."
"That's not how a date works?" A chuckle was laced in his tone and I was close
to pushing him away and telling him to go fuck himself, literally,
since apparently he's so above getting laid. But shit—it felt nice laying here
with him like this. I'll settle for being pissy in his arms.
"It's like you don't even know what a date is—don't tell me you never been on
one before."
"I've been on plenty of dates."
I've never been on a date.
I had no idea what the fuck a person is suppose to do on one, either.
The only idea popping up in my head was going out and getting shitfaced—but
something told me that wasn't the ideal date he was expecting.
Well shit, I'm out of ideas.
I wasn't freezing anymore, so my shaking subsided completely. Also, my medicine
was kicking in so I wasn't feeling awful enough to keep me from sleeping
anymore—but I still laid awake with Eren in a deep slumber beside me as I
pondered where the hell I was supposed to bring this brat on a fucking date.
Chapter End Notes
     Is it obvious that I can't wait any longer to write Ereri? ._. I know
     I'm kind of rushing into it, but man, these two need to get together
     already. Mikasa's POV was secretly me telling them to get their shit
     together. Hahaha
     Speaking of which, Mikasa has grown up to be a match maker, as you
     can tell. I really hate Ereri fics where Mikasa tries to come between
     their relationship because of her protectiveness over Eren, so I
     wanted to switch it up. I think she's happy so long as her brother is
     happy, to be honest. With Levi and Eren being so stubborn, having a
     third person involved to move the relationship along was kind of
     necessary if didn't want to drag this out forever, so, I hope that's
     okay.
     The next chapter will start in Eren's point of view, so if you're
     confused on why he became distant and whatnot, his feelings will be
     explained better then. :)
***** Bond *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren has been very forgetful lately, thanks to a certain short
     someone. Not only is Levi nagging him into doing chores and errands,
     but he's also consuming Eren's every thought, making even simple
     tasks quite the challenge.
Chapter Notes
     I find Eren's POV challenging to write since I'm so used to Levi's.
     My normal style is probably off (if I even have one?) and it's also
     hard to write for Levi through Eren's eyes. And to top it all off, I
     have a horrible case of writers block so fuck me right? :D...:/
     On a brighter note, there's domestic cuteness in this chapter and
     scenes of Levi being a total dorky loser. One last thing! Someone on
     Tumblr told me that Ereri's current relationship here reminds them of
     the song February Air by Lights and IT REALLY DOES SUIT THEM so I
     thought I'd share that. :3
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                                _~Eren's_POV~_
The the smell of chemicals filtered through my nose, waking me from slumber. I
was well acquainted with this scent greeting me in the morning, though. My lids
peeled open and blinked over a film of blur. Soon my eyes burnt and watered, a
result of the harsh ammonia drifting in the air, but I was used to that too.
Honestly—I hadn't a clue where the guy stored so much energy in that petite
body of his. Even though Levi has been sick for days, he still went through
with his daily routine and cleaned the house top to bottom. I tried to tell him
that his sickness will be prolonged if he kept over-exerting himself, but he
somehow managed to turn that into my fault by saying he wouldn't have to do it
if I wasn't such a messy pig.
Being sprawled out on the other side of the bed felt foreign and off, but just
like the past few mornings I remembered why I was here. Tucking my arms under
the pillow, I smiled into the fabric that still held the scent of Levi's hair.
My pulse quicken as a trail of heat ran from cheek to cheek.
For the past few nights, Levi and I have been holding each other as we slept.
After the first time it happened, I was timid about approaching him about it
again. I really, really wanted to—but apart of me thought it might've been a
one time thing; that he was just delirious from his fever. But every time Levi
noticed I wasn't budging first, he'd give a firm, 'Eren, I'm cold.'
The indirect request wasn't sweet and inviting—more like dull and demanding—but
those words hooked and reeled me in close to him without further hesitation. I
guess you can say we were subtle people that didn't like to be
straightforward—unless we were bickering. Then Levi had no trouble telling
me exactly how he felt about me in those situations.
Annoyed that he was no longer tangled in my arms, I groaned, but it soon turned
into a teary-eyed yawn. It was like this every morning, since Levi always woke
up hours before me.
These past few days, my heart would twinge upon wakening, fearing that my new
sleeping arrangements with Levi was just a really vivid dream. But the truth
is, no matter how hard it is for me to believe, Levi felt something for me. I
didn't know what exactly, but it's a start and that's the only part that
mattered to me. Now that I have one foot on the ground, I can take baby-steps
forward and someday Levi and I will walk at the same pace, on the same path.
But right now—we were still not quite up to speed with each other, seemingly
miles apart.
During the day, Levi acted more or less the same. And so did I, since I was
just going with the typical flow. But when night came, it was as if our world
shifted and I was that little kid again holding onto him desperately in my
sleep.
I couldn't wrap my head around it, and 'why' followed by a gigantic question
mark kept popping into my thoughts, but at the same time I didn't want to
ponder it. This new—yet old—tradition between us has been established again
after a long hiatus, and I didn't want to open my big trap and ruin a good
thing with dumb questions. Because Levi being Levi would just call me out for
asking said dumb questions, as usual, and might end the custom out of spite, or
punishment for my stupidity. Yep, that sounded like typical Levi: the man I
not-so-gracefully fell for.
The abrupt feelings I formed for him as a child never altered.
Actually—no. That's a lie.
What I felt for him became more intense as time went on, so much so that I
found it hard to be myself around the guy. He's softened quite a bit over the
years, which helped me feel comfortable enough to joke and stand my ground
around him—but he was still Levi; a very intimidating man that took no shit
from anyone. You can't exactly passionately express yourself in front of
someone like that.
When I was younger, it was so easy to glue myself to Levi and tell him I loved
him, because love was still a new word to me and I liked the way the word
tingled my lips.
But as I got older, I learned that the definition of that word held a very
special meaning. 'Love' wasn't something to be thoughtlessly thrown around.
Love could mean so many things, yet be so simple at the same time. I loved Levi
for taking care Mikasa and myself like a parent, but I think I also loved him
in the same way my mother loved my father.
In the end, it was too complicated for me to figure out, so I banished the word
from my vocabulary.
Showing affection like I did as a child couldn't be categorized as simple
appreciation anymore. Actions like that would be displayed as something else,
something deeper that I was not ready to show due to the awkward insecurity
that came with age.
Even though I did want him to see that love I had for him—I couldn't bring
myself to unveil it. I was so afraid he'd tell me I'm a stupid brat that didn't
understand my emotions when I poured them out to him. Just the thought of that
left me heartbroken, and since I was so sure that would be the outcome, I
became more bitter every time I thought of it.
I didn't want to ruin what we had by renewing my confession. I liked the bond
we shared. There was special category just for us that couldn't be compared to
anything. We weren't exactly family or friends, and we were far from lovers,
despite my feelings craving otherwise. It was a special bond no one else could
break, like I had my own personal world with him that no one would destroy or
overrun, like the real world. But recently...that world of ours expanded.
The growth is slow, but it's a start.
I convinced myself otherwise over the years, but even now after I grew up,
Levi didn't mind having my arms around him. He didn't detest and scowl at the
idea of a date with me like he did when I was younger. He actually agreed to
it.
He didn't directly voice his feelings, but he didn't voice any objections
either. That's good enough for me. Levi is the type of person who will complain
endlessly when anything isn't up to his standards, or if something is simply a
bother to him—but not a single mutter of protest was heard from him. In his
language, that translated to him giving his full approval.
Due to his vague nature, he's still leaving me in the dark; there's so many
questions and uncertainties picking at my brain. But one thing is certain:
Levi, to a certain degree, is returning my feelings.
I was about to drift off again with that endearing thought in mind, but a
beautiful sound kissed my eardrum and stirred me back to alertness.
I laid there, hands slipped behind my head as still as possible. I even halted
my breathing so I could hear the low pitch clearer. This was a rare
occurrence—but a lovely one at that. Not often did I get to hear Levi sing.
Sometimes when he would clean, he'd absentmindedly start to hum softly, but as
soon as he snapped back into reality and realize me or Mikasa were in the room,
he'd grumble under his breath to release his embarrassment.
He really had nothing to be ashamed of, though. I think he sounds very
beautiful when he sings. Brash and dull were perfect adjectives to describe his
normal speaking voice, but when he sings his words become so gentle. The
soothing notes he'd carry would give me goosebumps head to toe.
During our time together Levi had taught me some songs, and so I listened
closer to see if I recognize the lyrics—but then I realized I didn't even
recognized the language.
I recalled Levi telling me he'd picked up some phrases from the French and
Hebrew language from his parents, but the way his pronunciations were so
perfect and clear right now, something told me he must have been pretty fluent
in whatever language he was singing in.
The notes floating up from the bottom floor relaxed me, but filled me with
melancholy at the same time. It wasn't because it came off as a sad song, (it
came off as pretty up-beat, actually) it's just so rare to hear other languages
now. Everyone spoke the same. As history evolved in the walls, history outside
of them died; taking all other dialects, pure-ethnicities and heritages with
it.
According to one of Armin's books, there were once dozens of different
languages and each part of the world held different races, cultures and
traditions. All of that was lost now.
Well, maybe not all was lost. There were still people around like Levi and
Mikasa that were half-pure-blooded. Mikasa kept her bloodline alive by
practicing the embroidery stitch that her mother taught her. She told me she's
going to keep her mothers promise and pass it down to her children someday. And
even Levi still remembers dead languages that no one else will ever understand.
It must be lonely knowing they are the last of their people, but there was also
something very beautiful about them keeping precious traditions alive.
With a stretch, I yawned a final time and left the warm bed behind, only
motivated by the hope of seeing Levi in his natural habitat when he thought no
eyes were on him.
I crept over to the banister that would grant me a view of the bottom floor,
and my eyes immediately hooded in mirth at the scene gifted to me. Craning
over, I folded my arms on the rail slyly with a smirk to match.
"Well someone's feelings better~" My teasing was directed at Levi, who was
still trapped in lone concert of one, singing and swaying his hips as he swept.
The way he jolted up with pain on his face at the sound of my voice, though,
you would of thought I was a sniper and landed a direct shot on him.
The brooms handle swished up in my direction. "Oi, stop being disrespectful to
your elders."
Aw, he's embarrassed. I can see his red cheeks from here. He always plays
the 'elders card' every time he's shy—it's an adorable quirk.
"I'm not! I'm just saying it's nice to see you steady on your feet again. And
singing. And dancing..."
If looks could kill, I'd be a dead man right now.
"Get down here and help me, you useless sloth."
My body, seemingly losing all energy suddenly, withered over the railing. With
my head trapped in my arms, I mumbled, "Ugh. I just woke up. I'll do my chores
later in the afternoon."
"It's past noon, Eren. Any later it'll be evening."
Did I really sleep that long? And to think I used to be an early bird as a kid
and Levi was the one that slept the day away. Time sure does change people.
As soon as I cleared the stairs, Levi was standing there, mop in hand. I made a
sour face at it. I hate cleaning, especially when I first woke up. I was hungry
too, but I'm pretty sure Levi would make another quip about me lazy and say I
didn't earn an appetite yet.
"You do a much better job at cleaning—plus you looked like you were having fun
before, wouldn't want to ruin that for you."
The rod of the mop landed a direct hit right into my lower intestines. I curled
forward with an agonizing "umph".
"Finish the goddamn chores, Yeager."
That was my cue to stop teasing. When Levi reached the point of irritation to
use my last name, I pushed the wrong button on him. Using the mop's handle as
an aid, I straightened my aching posture and got to work.
There was a lot of groaning and whining from me, and Levi did the same but in a
more assertive pitch. He folded his arms and tapped his foot as he watched
every unskillful move I made with the mop. Those judgmental eyes will never
become satisfied, not while I'm cleaning, anyway.
"Do you purposely do a shitty job so I don't ask you anymore?"
"Well my bodies not functioning right because I'm hungry!"
"You're always fucking hungry."
"I'm a growing kid."
"Hmph. Funny how you use the 'kid card' when you want to get out of doing
something."
I must have done a good deed in life because Levi ripped the mop from my hand
and pushed me in the direction of the kitchen. I stumbled into a stride toward
the place that's been calling my name since I arrived back to reality.
"Hurry up and eat something. Once I finish the floor, I need you to come out
shopping with me."
I crooked my neck back with squinting doubt, but my gurgling stomach powered my
legs forward. "The last time you brought me on errands, you told me I'm useless
and annoying. Oh, and you kept commenting on how better it is to shop with
Mikasa the whole time."
"And you're completely right about all that—but I wanna get stuff for her
birthday, and it would ruin the 'surprise' if she were with me," he
sarcastically rose a brow at me, his chin dipped; he knew I understood his view
on celebrating in general. He just didn't see a point in it, but for the sake
of Mikasa and myself he would make a poor attempt every year.
"Anyway, you still need to get her something so you might as well tag along."
"...Shit." My head (and body) has been so wrapped up around Levi and the
impending date between us that I forgot to even ask her what she wanted this
year. "Damnit. I'm gonna end up getting her something stupid if I don't ask her
what she wants. Where is she?"
"She's working—you know, being a responsible member of the household, unlike a
certain someone who does nothing but sleep, eat and shit all day," he recited
the same old daily quote.
Leaving a dirty look behind, I turned back to making myself something to eat.
He loved rubbing that in my face any chance he got. In my defense, I tried
working a few times in the past year, but let's just say having anger-
management issues and dealing with finicky customers didn't come hand in hand.
All I manage to achieve during my time of employment were making enemies and
getting banned from every place I ever tried to work.
"I'll just ask her what she wants tomorrow and pick it up sometime this week."
"You realize her birthday is tomorrow, right?"
". . . . . ."
I turned back in time to see Levi pause his movements so he could dramatically
twined his hips toward me, his eyes bleak as he tsked. "Disgusting. You forgot
your own sister's birthday. After all she's done for you."
"Shut up! I didn't—it just snuck up on me!"
On busy nights, Mikasa works pretty late—so by the time I can ask her, all
stores would probably be closed. Everything in the underground shuts down
pretty early unless it's one of the many bars, nightclubs or restaurants; like
where she works. Those aren't ideal places to get her a gift—too bad Mikasa
doesn't drink booze, then it would be no problem.
"Man, what am I going to do?" I searched for possible ideas, my weight held up
by my hands on the counter.
This is why it's a dream to shop for Levi; he's a difficult man, but easy to
figure out when it comes to simple pleasures. For his birthday-slash-Christmas
presents every year, I get him cleaning supplies, a new book and some coffee.
Same shit every year but it still puts a rare tiny smile on his face.
But Mikasa—she's a little too simple. And not quirky-kind-of-simple like Levi.
There's very few things she likes, most of which aren't material items.
I probably wouldn't have time to get anything tomorrow. Besides, if I ask her,
on her birthday, then run out of the house and come back with a gift, it would
be pretty obvious that I forgot her birthday. I rubbed my face in frustration.
When my hands dragged off my face, Levi had teleported beside me, balancing the
rod of the mop against the counter as he leaned up beside it, arms folded.
"Don't get stressed. You can literally get her rat shit with a bow on it and
she would be thrilled so long as it came from you."
"Heh, you're onto something there. Well—maybe I'll spot something she would
like while I'm out."
After a big breakfast—or lunch, whatever, Levi nagged me into cleaning the
dishes I dirtied and that was enough of activity to make me want to go down for
a nap, but I unfortunately had to accompany Levi to the busy city square.
Something I hated more than cleaning was shopping—but Levi had a well organized
list so the stops were brief—that is, until we got lost in a department store
and Levi and I somehow managed to split separate ways.
It worked out, though. I wanted to browse around for something Mikasa would
like. I went down the aisle filled with middle-aged woman stocking up on make-
up and hair products. Even if these big bimbos weren't in my way, I doubted I'd
find anything for Mikasa; she never wore make-up, didn't use any special
products on her hair, and she didn't wear perfume. I left that section empty
handed and not as hopeful as when I first entered.
Wandering around a little more, I considered other stuff that would be a
suitable gift, but shot them all down with a distasteful grumble.
The scarf I gave her is getting pretty old. I half-considered getting her a new
one, but she seems so attached to that red tattered thing. I was about to throw
my hands up in surrender, but an urgent cry in the distance told me I was
needed for backup.
"Eren! Come quick!"
"...Shit." I growled under my breath and I bolted down the aisle. What could
have happened to cause him to yell like that? Levi didn't raise his voice
unless he had an important reason for it.
Damnit. Don't tell me he got caught stealing—it wouldn't be the first time he
got dragged out of a store for that.
"Where are you?" I called.
"Over here."
The sudden calm voice pointed me to the correct route, and I turned down an
aisle marked as household items.
A bead of sweat rolled down my cheek. I balled my fist tight, swallowing hard
as I looked up at the sign hanging above me.
This isn't good. Not good at all.
Levi found the cleaning aisle.
As soon as I became visible to Levi, he pointed to me swiftly, his posture
erect and stringent. "Go get me the biggest basket you can find—wait—make that
two."
My speedy gait shifted into a slow crawl toward him. I took one look at the
shelves and winced painfully. "Come on Levi, we have enough of this crap at
home."
"What are you, blind?" He flicked one of the many bright tags hanging around.
"Look, there's a sale."
"Why does a criminal like you care about a sale?"
My retort landed on deaf ears. He picked up an item, holding it out in front of
me.
"Look at this brush—you fill any product you want into the hollow handle and
with a press of a button," he demonstrated, "it squirts out." Right on my damn
shirt.
I patted the wet spot with my hand and avoided eye contact with Levi, because
he might just think I'm interested in this stuff if I did. I held back from
expressing my boredom vocally by tightening my jaw, but that just left room for
him to speak more.
"What a fascinating invention. Now I don't have to lug around a spray bottle as
I scrub the floor. This will save me a lot of time. Isn't this fantastic?"
I scrubbed my forehead, only nodding because I heard a rising intonation at the
end of his ramblings, not because I really paid attention. "Yeah, sure. What a
time to be alive."
I really could care less about this. I know he's a cleanly person—God did I
know that—but how can he get excited over this crap? I couldn't help but hope I
didn't turn into a clean freak when I got older—what is it with old people and
cleanliness?!
With that thought, my shoulders bowed; a sudden interest peaked me. Something
just occurred to me—Levi, the same man with an unbreakable line of a mouth, was
actually excited; his eyes glistening like I never saw before with the
slightest curl to his lips. If I'm not mistaken, I could swear that his cheeks
weren't as pale as they usually are...
That's... adorable.
I need to go shopping with him more often—sure, shopping royally sucks but I'd
get to see Levi enjoying himself and looking this passionate, even if it is
over sponges and soap.
I almost felt jealous that Mikasa must have seen this side of him before—and
perhaps I was also a little jealous that he'd give that expression to inanimate
household supplies.
What would it take for him to look at me the way he looks at disinfectant?
...So its come to this: cleaning products are my rivals. I reached the lowest
of the low.
"It's like magic," he tested out his new toy by cleaning off the whole top
shelf. I'm sure the employees here will be grateful for that—and I was grateful
for the sight of him on his tippy-toes.
It's a crime that Levi is a cranky old man trapped in such an adorable little
body with a baby-face to match. Sometimes I just wanted to pick him up and
squeeze him—but out of natural reflex on his part, I'd definitely get my nose
broken. He might look tiny, but fuck did he pack a punch. He never violently
hit me out of anger, but sometimes a playful nudge would knock me off my feet.
"This is incredible."
Even when I came back from my wishful thinking of carrying him around like a
princess, he's still talking about this magical-cleaning-sponge-thing—well, as
long as he's happy, I suppose it's not too bad. Besides, I can always tune out
his ramblings and enjoy the view of how cute he looks when he's excited. Dorky
glee overran my features...until a sharp statement popped me from my beaming
bubble.
"I need ten of these."
I bounced up from his sudden assertion. "T-Ten? Why ten? One is enough!"
"Didn't I tell you to get something to carry this stuff in?" His voice rose
sharply, his former, adorable expression seemed like a hallucination now. It
probably was. That's what you get for being around so many chemicals.
I buttoned my lips. Arguing with him would end in failure because in truth,
Levi is actually a spoiled princess that always got his way. "Right—you wanted
two baskets, right?"
He pat his chin with a slender finger as he squinted at the shelves. "Better
make it three."
I sighed, turned around and dragged my feet reluctantly down the aisle.
"Pick up the pace, Eren."
I muttered refusal but my legs motioned into a jog on their own. Something
about his demanding tone just made me follow his orders subconsciously.
It's not like anyone else is lining up for the stupid sale. Only he would take
advantage of something like this. As I left a very enthusiastic Levi behind, I
had a feeling that nothing would be left on the shelves when we left.
And I was pretty damn close to right.
We left the shop with our arms filled with unnecessary crap. I thought we were
shopping for Mikasa's birthday? So far, most of the stuff we picked up was
for him.
Yeah, he's definitely a spoiled princess.
Levi halted in his stride and pushed his bags onto me, adding more to the
overwhelming quantity. I shuffled just to keep them from falling to the ground.
When my struggle ended and I got a steady hold on them, I felt a weight press
against me.
"What that—?"
Levi pushed me back with force, and my knees buckled with strained features.
Just as I thought Levi was an absolute asshole and I was about to fall, my ass
landed on a wooden surface and blocked my fall.
Oh.
There are better ways of telling someone to sit down, but then again, this is
Levi; actions were stronger than words in his book.
"Sit on this bench and don't move." He flicked a pointed finger on me like a
misbehaving dog. "I have to go in the store you were banned from, so just stay
put and watch our stuff."
"Yeah whatever." I loosened my grip on everything and set the bags beside me,
taking up the rest of the seat. I expanded my arms over the back of the bench,
just a way of marking this as my space further.
"Eren, I'm not kidding. Don't start anything today. I'm not in the mood."
"I heard you the first time!" My tempter rose with my voice, and Levi fussily
turned away with that trademark "tch" and bitchy sway to his hips. This is
typical protocol. When Levi had to leave me alone when we'd go out, he'd scold
me before I even did anything wrong. I had quite the reputation for getting
into trouble around here, so it wasn't a wrong move on his part.
I whined in my throat, disappointed that his ass left my field of view. I moved
my gaze somewhere less appealing. I didn't feel like people-watching because
I'd likely go against Levi's promise if I did. I folded my fingers and used
them as a head rest as I looked up at the rocky ceiling above.
I wonder what's going on between us.
I could have sworn Levi indirectly accepted the confession I gave as a kid—but
like I reflected on earlier, he doesn't act much different.
Wait. Was I expecting him to change?
No—I started liking him for who he is, so that wasn't right. I'm not sure what
I was expecting—maybe some further clarification would be nice. I'll admit I'm
a moron and it would ease my worry if he told me straight up how he felt. But
maybe it was obvious and I just wasn't seeing it. That's something that happens
often with me.
These pass few nights, before I was brisked away into the most comfortable and
peaceful sleep I had in years with Levi in my arms, I would reflect back on
what he said about actually going out on a date with me. I had to keep drilling
that into my head, because it seemed too unreal to be true.
I wondered how Levi seen that. In my perspective, I could easily say it's the
best news I heard in my young life.
But...Levi could have seen it differently. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him,
like it was for me. A date could be considered a lot of things—even what were
doing now could be considered one, since were spending time together.
I couldn't help but think of the possible places he might bring me, and the
follow up question was: I wonder if he's trying to come up with places too? Or
maybe he doesn't care and won't put any thought into it. Or maybe he's losing
his mind deciding on a place we could go.
Maybe it was too pressuring to leave that up to him, but I sort of panicked
when I couldn't think of a place on the spot and threw the responsibilities
onto him. I said I wanted it to be a surprise, but the truth is, I hate
surprises. Especially when it involves Levi. I wish I knew in advance where we
were going, that way I could prepare and try to envision it so I didn't fuck up
too much when the day finally came.
"Hmm..."
If Levi seen the date for what it was: a date, and actually took on a romantic
approach, I don't know what I'd do. Die, probably.
But then again, this is Levi. I don't think the guy has a romantic bone in his
body—not that I ever cared about that. It was his genuine kindness, quirks and
looks that drew me to him in the first place. I never expected sappy romance
with him. I just want our same relationship together—but with some added
perks put into the mix.
Suddenly my face heated up. My hands covered my scorching skin.
I just reminded myself of something.
Why didn't I remember it the other night?
Damnit, I think I screwed up.
The memory of myself being twelve, lying in bed with Levi entered my mind. I
remember telling the guy I desperately wanted him to give me a chance. And once
he gave a solid 'no' due to me being a kid, he said fifteen was a passable
age—now, all that I recalled the other night, but there was more to it.
I distinctly remember Levi telling me he'd... fool around with me once I
reached that age.
My face burned even more. I'm pretty sure I was sweating too, even though the
temperature contradicted how I felt. My leg started spasming nervously as I
covered my mouth.
I felt so frustrated at the time, because fifteen felt so far away and I just
wanted Levi to be mine. That enthusiastic confidence died as I aged, but I
remember boldly stating that I'd like it if Levi touched me on my birthday.
A date with Levi is wonderful on its own, but I can't help but to feel I missed
a good opportunity here. On one hand, a date with Levi could lead to something
more serious, but screwing around with Levi might get our feelings across
better, since him and I are less about voicing our feelings and more about
putting them to action.
I weighed the choices between my hands, and couldn't decide.
Would it be greedy to ask for both?
I swallowed hard as I caught a glimpse of Levi exiting out of the shop, a few
bags in hand.
I'm definitely going to ask him for both.
Bags in tow, I managed to grasp them heedlessly in one hand and ran up beside
him.
"Hey... So did you get everything you need?"
He acknowledged me briefly then returned his gaze straight on. "Yeah. I got all
the ingredients for her cake. I think that's everything on my list now."
"Good, good." This was stalling. I didn't care about cake right now at all. I
only had one thing on my mind. I was so hesitant to speak, but I wanted to at
least see his reaction. My body switched directions, my legs striding backward
so I could face him properly. "Levi...About our plans for my birthday—"
"What about it."
The confidence I built up to spit that out crumbled apart. He spoke so quickly
and dryly; his way of saying he didn't want to discuss something.
I averted my eyes to the pavement, my lips pursed. Maybe he really was just
delirious from a fever the other night and didn't mean it. I mean, we haven't
talked about the date since—maybe he forgot about it.
"What, Eren." He urged, looking up at me from the corner of his eye. My
disenchanted expression faded and I tried not to smile.
"Ah...I was just wondering if I could add something else to my wishlist, if
that's okay with you."
"Absolutely not, spoiled brat."
"Hear me out—it's kind of related to the one you agreed to."
He heaved a tired sigh, the sharpness around his eyes softened a bit. "I said
I'd take you somewhere and I will. That's all you're getting because that's
enough for me to handle. Now carry some of these bags." By some bags, he meant
carry them all. I paused my pace so I can find a sturdy place to prop them all,
then rushed back to his side.
After clutching the bags in my arms tightly, I loosened up and abandoned my
tension with a sigh. I let my eyes wander on the passerby's, but the backdrop
around me couldn't grab my attention; my thoughts had blinded me.
I suppose it's one or the other. Now that I think about it—if the date goes
really well, then maybe Levi will give me a chance and actually go out with me.
Then I can make him touch me as much as I want. That's how relationships
worked, right?
There's no need to rush. If I can prove to him that I'd be a good match to him,
then maybe he'll consider going out with me. Then we can have all the sex we
want, anytime we wanted it.
With a rigid gulp, I stole a side-glance leer down at Levi as he walked at my
side; narrow eyes straight-forward, masked with that serious expression he
always wore.
As if I could ever have sex with him.
Even if by some miracle he agreed to it, I'd probably have a heart attack
before I got to stick it in. I've been fantasizing about the guy for so many
years, but I don't know how my body would react to the real thing.
I never even saw Levi totally nude before, just that thought alone was too much
to handle. I don't know how I'd react to the events that would follow after
seeing him bare of any clothes.
The most I've seen of the lower-half of his body was when he forgot to bring
clean clothes into the bathroom before a bath. Even though he moved so fast
like a little blur passing me, I saw a glimpse under his towel while he was
bent down to searched through one of the draws. That happened months ago, but
it still served as great mental material, if you catch my drift.
Having sex with him would probably be more stressful than pleasurable. In my
fantasies I was fantastic at sex—the king of pleasure. I knew how to make Levi
scream my name and beg for more.
But...in the real world, I'm a sexually frustrated virgin that didn't know the
first thing about pleasing anyone other than myself. I might know what goes
where but I didn't know if there were other tricks involved. Tricks that Levi
would be expecting because let's face it: it doesn't take a genius to figure
out that Levi has been around and had a lot of partners. He probably had mind-
blowing sex in the past, so how could a virgin like me compete with that?
With how intimidating Levi is, I'd probably be too scared to get hard, and if I
did finally managed that, I'd probably bore him to death with my amateur skills
until he yawned in my face and told me I'm doing a shitty job—he'd totally do
something like that, too. Typical Levi.
Maybe I was just saying this to convince myself that I made the right choice by
picking a date with him—but even though the mere idea of having sex with Levi
is stressful, I still really, really want to endeavor it.
I've been having sex with him in my head for far too long. Too many years have
I let my imagination run wild and pretend my own hand was Levi's. I
want him now, in the flesh, not the fantasies. I want to actually touch his
skin and know how it felt to be inside him. Taste him and feel his breath and
touch his body as it shook in pleasure under me. Know how his nails felt
digging into my back and hear how his moans sound and—
"Eren your nose is bleeding."
"...Huh."
His narrow eyes flickered on me. In a daze, I looked down at him and he rose a
brow.
"Geez, were you even listening to me at all this whole time?"
Shit. No. I was too busy having sex with you in my head. Innocent mistake. My
bad.
I smeared the trail of blood away on the back of my hand, sniffed to clear the
blood, and the taste of iron stuck to the back of my throat. "Sorry. Just tell
me again."
He sighed at the idea of repeating himself. "I was telling you that I'm going
to help with Mikasa's cake this year. I know that's 'your thing', but let's be
honest, your cakes suck."
"They aren't that bad."
"Eren, I had one bite last year and I could still taste that soupy cake."
"It wasn't soupy, it was just...moist."
"Moist with a bunch of hard lumps of batter inside that wasn't mixed properly."
His shoulders shivered just mentioning it.
"Levi, come on, making the cake is my job. You can't just take over."
"Whether you like it or not I'm helping you so suck it up."
Princess Levi strikes again. "Fine. But when your birthday comes, Mikasa's not
allowed to help me make your cake. It's all on me."
Levi flattened his palm against his chest as he made a sour face. "Just
thinking about that gave me indigestion."
"That has nothing to do with me. You're just old and can't digest well
anymore."
"We'll see which one of us can't digest when I rip your intestines out from
your ass."
With phony charm, I sighed. "Ah. You really do have a poetic way with words."
We arrived back at the house, but work was far from over. We still had to put
everything we bought away, and since Levi went overboard and bought a bunch of
useless shit, it was going to take a while.
"We sure did get a lot of stuff." Almost impressed with himself, he rested his
hands on his hips and peered down at all the bags cluttering the dinning table.
"That's because you're a compulsive shopper."
"Hey, we needed this stuff."
"Right. You needed two more mop-heads to match the five you have in the
closet—" Large containers caught my eye, and I hoist one of them in the air,
shaking the chemicals inside, "Look! You even bought two more jugs of glass
cleaner! We already have three gallons of it!"
"Thanks for keeping track of the inventory, brat, but I couldn't just get
one—it was buy one get one free."
"...You're really hopeless."
He stomped his heel with a crooked brow. "Says the person who bought two huge
bottles of lotion. I bet you'll put them right next to the tissues on your
nightstand. Now tell me again, what was your excuse for needing that much
lotion?"
I thrashed the jug down, the action not even causing a flinch out of him. His
eyes bore on me, waiting for my response. "It's like I told you before, my
hands are just dry lately!"
His lips were skeptically pursed together, but he loosened up with a
cocky 'Ha' when he realized I was sticking with that claim. "Oh I bet they
are—that's from all that friction. If you needed lubrication, you should have
just said so. No need to be shy."
"Lubri—What the hell are you talking about?"
Almost like he was impressed with my stupidity, his mouth dropped. "You're
shitting me right now."
Nervous, I spun my back to him and returned to the task of putting away all the
bundles, but then I felt a stabbing stare on me.
After he realizing I wasn't joking, I physically felt the daggers Levi was
sending, puncturing me with holes of judgment.
"...You have much to learn, child."
It'll be a hot sunny day in the underground when he stops calling me child, or
a kid or a brat.
Apart of me didn't really mind though. The nicknames, though demeaning, were
kind of charming when you consider it was coming from Levi's mouth. That's as
close as he's going to get to cute pet names. Though, it did get pretty
annoying that he only pinned those nicknames on me—he always just called Mikasa
by her name. Maybe it means I'm special. Or maybe it means she really is Levi's
favorite.
With bug eyes, I dropped what I was doing and slammed my fist down on the
counter.
"Damnit!"
"Oh boy. Is this another weird outburst? Should I prepare myself?" Even though
Levi sounded patronizing, he thinned his tone—but this wasn't me getting pissed
off for no particular reason like other times. I actually had a reason to be
angry at myself now.
I sighed, accepting my fate of being a loser. Stuffing my face into my palms, I
mumbled through my fingers, "I forgot to get Mikasa something."
I peeked at him, pouting, and Levi inspected my tense composure as he bit the
inside of his cheek. Snapping from his static position with a roll of his eyes,
he shuffled upstairs wordlessly.
"...?"
"I figured you would." All I could do was blink at the vacate space his echoing
voice came from. He went on about me being hopeless until he returned to the
bottom floor, standing before me. "I wanted you to find something on your own,
but since you're useless, here."
Two paper slates were jammed into my hands and he breezed past me before I
could fully realize what it was. I examined them, then shrugged. "What is
this?"
He sat, arms crisscrossed over the table. "Tickets to that play she's been
wanting to see. The poor girl has been throwing hits at you for like three
weeks."
"...She has?" I peered back to the tickets again, hoping it would spark my
memory. I must have not paid attention—but I did recall her showing me a
pamphlet. I didn't know she actually wanted to go, though. Was she really into
boring stuff like this now?
"I bought them a few days ago before they sold out." Peeved, he tapped his
fingernails against the surface, "I was going to give them to her myself as an
extra present but you're incapable of simple tasks, so, you give it to her."
It's his fault I forgot. My head has been so fogged with thoughts of him and
that damn date that I forgot about her birthday and forgot to ask her what she
wanted. And thanks to him entering my mind again today, I forgot to pick her
something up.
But sure. Blame me. It's totally my fault.
A second glance at the tickets later, I swat them repeatedly against my palm.
Since he handed me both tickets, I'm assuming he wants me to go with her. I
sighed. "I really hate plays."
"This isn't about you. Bring her to a goddamn play. Just the two of you. Have
some brother-sister bonding. You two never have a chance to just hang out
together. It's the weekend after her birthday too, so I think it works out."
"I guess..."
"Ungrateful brat." He pushed out his chair fussily, making room for his legs to
cross. "Thank God I was wrong about you and Mikasa liking either other. She
doesn't deserve a crappy boyfriend like you."
"I'll have you know I would be a great boyfriend," I couldn't pass up the
opportunity to insert a shameless self-plug.
"I beg to differ." The expression he gave me was so cold I actually got chills.
"Anyway—I'm sure she'll enjoy herself. She needs a change of pace. She does
nothing but go to work and come home. She'll have fun."
"If you say so. But, there's only two tickets here—don't you want to come too?
Or better, why don't you go with her?"
"Nah. I wish, though. Believe me, I'd go in your place if I could. An
uncultured swine like you doesn't know how to fully appreciate a play—but you
know I work on the weekends."
"Oh. Right. Your job as a 'bartender'," I chortled, gesturing a pair of air-
quotes.
"...Why did you add unnecessary emphasis to bartender?"
"I just said bartender. You're the one getting all jumpy about me
saying bartender."
Levi's not a bartender.
I know this because I followed him to his work. Again. He'd probably kill me
this time if he found out, but that doesn't stop me from indirectly teasing him
and making him feel unsettled at the possibility of me knowing his dirty
secret.
His place of employment was strikingly similar to where he worked in Wall Sina.
And to settle my curiosity further, I hung out in the shadows at the back of
the club to see that Levi didn't tend behind the bar counter like he claimed,
in fact, he was in the front lines, up on stage instead.
He's still a sexy entertainer—or whatever the fuck he called it. Erotic
performer. That's it. It was right at the tip of my tongue.
I shook my head, aggravated by my own thoughts. Let's keep this simple and call
him what he is: a stripper.
Most weekends my legs would subconsciously move on their own to the club and
I'd catch one or two of his shows. I'd rest my back against a murky corner and
watch him perform. A part of me would get just as stiff as the pole he'd ride
his ass against.
At first I was enraged with jealously that a bunch of unworthy pigs were
allowed to watch him intimately dance—because despite me being a coward who
couldn't voice my feelings, Levi was still mine in my eyes. However, after a
few more trips I realized Levi, to a certain degree, enjoyed his time on stage.
He didn't do it to sexually please anyone. It was almost a way of venting for
him; just a time to be alone with his thoughts and release all the pent up
tension from his body.
I also noticed he never interacted with any of his customers, either. He'd
disappear backstage between routines and barely spoke to his coworkers, if you
can even call them that.
It became obvious that Levi just did the job to collect fast cash and clear his
head, and after a while I learned to accept it, meaning my jealousy faded away.
Effortlessly, I'd erase everyone from the picture and only see Levi, like we
were the only people in the room and he was dancing just for me.
"Eren, stop spacing out and put this shit away."
Yet again, I'm being blamed for being thrown off track when really it's all his
damn fault.
                                      ~x~
"What's all this crap for?" I thumbed through the cookbook before me on the
table, a scowl firmly resting on my face. "I never use all these ingredients
just to make a cake."
Carrying an armful, Levi peeked over the mountain of ingredients, mixing bowls,
and other baking tools as he shuffled over to the counter behind me.
"And that's why your cakes suck. You have to follow directions." Deposing the
load on the counter, Levi warped around and tried to look over my shoulder and
(of course) failed miserably, so he nudged his way in front of me, his head
rudely blocking my eyes from the cookbook.
Levi bent over to get a closer look at the text and read carefully. I took a
step back, and nearly tripped on my own feet as I tried to make a gap between
us. Thank God I escape that position quickly, but backing up didn't help much.
All did was grant myself a better view of his ass. With my eyes glued, I tilted
my head, focused. I'm pretty sure he was talking again but...I really couldn't
focus on anything but his—
"Wake up," Levi spun and whacked my head with the wooden spoon in hand. Due to
my grogginess, though, the hit wasn't very effective.
"It's early. Tell me to wake up after a nap."
"We have to get this done before she wakes up," I was going to question
him why it matters when she knows she's getting a cake anyway, but he jabbed a
mixing bowl into my gut and returned to the book before I could open my mouth.
"Crack three eggs into the bowl."
"Easy enough." I said with a yawn, but just as the eggs were in my reach, Levi
snatched them first.
"Actually, let me do this part. You always get egg shells mixed in."
I let my floating hand fall to my side.
Why am I even here? He's just going to take over and do all the work anyways.
He should have just left me sleeping and let me wake up to all the work
finished. I probably would have rolled over and returned to my dreams if he
hadn't trick me.
My eyes had slit open from the soft call of my name, and Levi greeted my blurry
vision. Laying besides me, still in my arms and staring at me with kind, droopy
eyes. He brushed my bangs gently and told me it was time to wake up to work on
Mikasa's birthday cake. He said it so sweetly and even let me cuddle him a
little while longer to help charge my strength—but now, with two doses of
caffeine in his system, Levi had assumed direct control over the kitchen. I
really couldn't find my role here at all.
"Wait," he hooked his head around, patting himself down like he was missing
something, "I need an apron. I'm not scrubbing sticky cake batter out of my
clothes later."
"You can wear mine."
"No, because you need to wear yours because I'm not scrubbing it from your
clothes either."
I shrugged, but he had a point. I don't want to get my clothes dirty, mainly
because that would make Levi bitch and I didn't want to hear it. I reached for
my apron and tied it around me, then took the spare off the hook and held it
out to him. "Here, wear Mikasa's."
"No."
"Why."
"It's pink."
"I think pink would suit you."
"Oh yeah? I think black and blue bruises would suit you."
"Stop being a baby and just wear it."
He growled and seized it from my hand roughly. In the end, his cleanliness
defeated him, not me. The apron was a little long on him, but it seemed to fit
perfectly otherwise.
And I was right, pink really did suit him.
After cracking the eggs perfectly in the bowl, he disposed of the shells and
wiped his hands on a rag. Slanting over to the cookbook, he skimmed through the
directions and recited the text, "Next, measure one cup of milk and a cup and a
half of sugar. "
"Oh, am I finally allowed to help?" I asked, and Levi glared at me, waving his
spoon in front of me like a nightstick.
"Drop the attitude or I'll use this again."
I just blinked at him, dumbfounded. Really. Really? He's threatening me with
wooden spoons now?
With the measuring cup hovered before me, I poured the milk with Levi watching
carefully, waiting for me to screw up—and when his head started shaking in my
peripheral vision, I prematurely disrupted the flow.
"Nope. Too much. Give it to me."
"I got it!" I traveled to the sink, holding the cup protectively against my
chest so Levi wouldn't snatch it away as I did. I poured some of the liquid
down the drain and held up the cup to see where line was hitting, then poured a
little more out and rechecked the amount again. It was only off by a few
thimbles, but to a perfectionist like Levi, that was the equivalent to me
slopping the whole jug of milk carelessly into the bowl.
"Alright, sugar now." I reminded myself and reached for the jar of it (we had a
lot, since Levi always took his coffee and tea with two teaspoons of sugar).
Unscrewing the top, I set the rim over the measuring cup, and was about to let
the grains pour out, but Levi smacked my hand with the spoon again and I nearly
dropped the container from the unexpected sting.
"Ow!" I felt the hit this time. I set the jar back down and held my throbbing
hand against my chest, staring at him in disbelief. "Stop doing that! That's
it—give me that, you lost your spoon privileges!"
I stomped up to him, palm held out in from of me. He backed himself into a
corner of the kitchen and hid it behind his back, his eyes challenging me to
just try and take it from him.
Oh my God. He actually wants to keep the damn spoon. I nearly walked out of the
room and contemplated life at that point.
Instead, I rubbed my temples. If I didn't find his attachment to the
spoon unbearable cute I would have pried it from his hand and beat him with it.
Whatever—he can keep it, but if he can't learn to play nice with it, I'm taking
it next time.
After a final rub on my swollen hand, I questioned why I was punished in the
first place, "Why did you swat me? What did I do wrong this time?"
"You were about to put sugar in a wet measuring cup. It's just going to stick
and make the measurements off. Think, Eren."
"You told me milk and sugar so I went with that order!" That's even what the
book said, so who wouldn't make that mistake? But—it is common sense, now that
I think about it. Something dry like sugar would stick to a wet cup.
"Just go wash and dry the cup."
I groaned and headed for the sink, and he replaced my spot. "I'll put the salt
and baking powder in."
As I dried the cup, I watched as he carefully measured the right amounts on the
tablespoon.
Even though I prefer to make Mikasa's cake on my own, I couldn't help but be
happy to have Levi helping me. Not only was it nice to spend time with him like
this while he sported a pink apron, but I had to admit he's a great baker. The
only time I got a taste of his skills was on my birthday, but that just gave me
a reason to look forward to it more.
I couldn't help but feel jealous that Mikasa would eat so much of the cakes he
would prepare, but barely touch the ones I made her. Maybe Levi's right, maybe
my cakes do suck. But with us both working on it, I think it'll come out good,
so long as I didn't screw up—but Levi wasn't allowing space for failure. He did
this by barely letting me do anything, and before I knew it all the ingredients
were in place.
"Alright, you just need to blend it very well now—while you do that, I'll start
making the frosting," he said, and left me with a whisk.
Sure, do all the fun steps and make me strain my arm with the mixing.
The batter was thicker than I'm used to, so maybe that's where I always went
wrong. That explains why my cake always came out—in Levi's words—soupy.
"Ya' gotta put more elbow grease in it than that, Eren. At this rate there will
be lumpy air pockets of sugar and salt."
"I'm mixing it the best I can!" The whisk attacked the batter like a raging
twister, and even though my arm stung and it still wasn't close to being well-
blended, I persevered.
Levi had sat across the table from me, working on his own bowl. By the time I
looked up at him again to check his progress, he was finished with the vanilla
frosting. After whacking the spoon against the bowl to rid the excess icing
clinging to it, he taste-tested his work by licking the spoon, then nodded his
head in approval.
"Hey, I wanna taste it too..."
"Keep mixing." Grabbing a clean spoon, he dipped it the mix of frosting, then
licked the spoon clean out of spite. I snarled in his direction, but he was too
busy indulging in his icing to notice. He's so childish sometimes—but at the
same time he's so overwhelming sexy. Damn him and his tongue slowly licking
that crème up. With my pants starting to taut, I averted my eyes away from the
scene.
"You have icing all over your mouth," I pointed out to distract my perverted
thoughts, and he stood, mumbling, then vigorously wiped his face on a rag.
There wasn't actually anything there, I just wanted to embarrass him—but the
mental image of Levi with vanilla crème covering his face put me in a daze and
slowed my rotating arm, which Levi luckily noticed soon enough to stop me from
drooling into the bowl.
"C'mon Eren, you can do batter than that."
Levi muffled his voice under the rag—and the sound trapped beneath was
suspiciously similar to a giggle. I just stopped. I just stopped everything,
put the bowl down and set my eyes on him, staring for a while.
"...Did you just make a baking pun?" And just to add the icing to the cake, did
he actually laugh at his own awful joke? Now I'm coming up with baking puns.
It's contagious.
"And if I did?"
I blinked at him with a wide-open smile. "That was so friggin' terrible and I
loved it."
"You look like you just saw into another dimension—I can make dumb jokes when I
want to, you know." Levi—making jokes? Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's onto
something there; I think I actually slipped into another dimension.
Giving a thoughtful hum, I picked the bowl back up, set it in my lap and I
started swirling the ingredient again, slowly, still looking at him with
baffled amusement. "You just don't come off as a pun guy."
Against the counter, he pondered for a second with folding arms, like he was
deciding whether or not to speak. Using his backside as a jumpstart off the
counter, he leaned in close to me. "Alright, I'll let you in on a little
secret—horrible puns are my weakness."
"Get out, really?" A skeptical laugh cracked out from my lips, "You look the
type that would just roll your eyes at dumb stuff like that."
"I'm not saying bad puns aren't dumb, it's just jokes that are so bad and
unfunny just become hilarious to me."
"Oh, now I have to think of some puns." This is so surreal. Levi likes puns.
Who would've knew. I looked up, trying to think of my adolescent days of when
puns were considered witty. "Got one—The cannibal's cookbook was written by a
guy who had a wife and ate kids."
"Pff—" He re-hid his face in the rag, and I was thankful his eyes were off me
because my cheeks were heated in delight. That was a terrible joke—even nine
year olds would boo it with a thumbs down, but Levi was laughing.
He steadied his shaking shoulders and threw the rag to the table. "Oh no, don't
even get me started on mature puns—they're my favorite."
"Tell me some!"
"Ah—I don't think you'll get some of them," a laugh was already in his tone,
"but whatever, here's one: A soldier suffers from premature ejaculation.
Dishonorable discharge."
Important mental note: Levi laughs at his own awful jokes. What a revelation.
This is either the lamest or cutest thing I've ever witnessed.
I didn't find any of the jokes funny as he kept reciting them one after the
other, but just hearing his soft, dull laugh made me laugh.
"Here's another: A murderer joined the military and made a killing," he
chortled again, and I tried so hard not to join him.
"That's not even close funny," when I opened my mouth, I failed at concealing
my laugh and I squeezed my eyes shut as I shot my head back. Just the fact that
Levi was telling these horrible jokes made it so much more funnier. "I bet you
have a lot of cleaning puns."
He tilted his head a little, looking serious all of a sudden. "How can I come
up with cleaning puns when my street looks like a garbage dump, litter ally."
He turned away to hide his face, but I knew what expression he was wearing.
"Oh my God, Levi. You're so terrible, I'm actually embarrassed for you." And I
may have fell even deeper in love with him just now.
So even serious Levi was capable of laughing at jokes—but they had to be really
stupid, awful jokes. Just when I thought he couldn't get any weirder.
Even after all these years by his side, there's still so many mysterious sides
to him I had yet to learn. I'm well-educated in the bad times that consumed his
past, since he entrusted me with some of that information, but knowing he was
still capable of laughing and smiling at simple things like anyone else warmed
my heart, and inspired me at the same time. If someone like him that's been
through so much can still be strong and break a frown, then I can too.
Chapter End Notes
     Sorry for ending this one kind of abruptly. I barely got through this
     so I didn't have the energy to start Mikasa's birthday yet because
     Hanji will be there and her and Levi's fun conversations are enough
     to drain me. XD Oh, and yes. Levi likes bad puns. -coughs awkwardly-
     About that. I totally have a valid reason for this. I seen this
     headcanon on Tumblr a while back that Levi secretly has an awful
     sense of humor and laughs at dumb, childish jokes and I just fell in
     love with the idea. I think it's super adorable and it suits my
     current Levi since he's loosened up a bit over the years, so I
     thought it would be a quirky addition to his personality. :3
     One last thing. Their date is coming soon, (after the upcoming
     chapter) and that will be told through Eren's eyes too. POV's will be
     switching back and forth for a while, so my apologies for the
     whiplash.
***** Rapport *****
Chapter Summary
     Lately, Levi's been through a whirlwind of contradictory emotions and
     they don't seem to be letting up any time soon. When Hanji comes over
     for Mikasa's birthday and starts asking too many questions, his
     emotions only pin him down more.
Chapter Notes
     Sorry for the wait, folks! I still have writers block, but it's
     getting better. Nothing too extravagant going on in this chapter, but
     things will pick up after the next one. There's just some stuff that
     needs addressing before I move forward with the story. Our poor
     little Levi is just going through a self-discovery stage because he's
     a dummy and doesn't know what love is. :3
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I decided to spend the rest of the morning doing laundry; there was nothing
much else to do. Mikasa took advantage of her time off from work and slept in,
and she's fully entitled to do so since it's her birthday. Eren decided to be
absolutely useless as usual and work out his biceps as I folded the dry linens.
The kid puts so much effort into lifting weights but he can't even lift a pair
of dirty socks off the ground. I would say I don't understand him if he wasn't
so painfully simple. He's lazy and does shit for himself, that's the entire
puzzle that makes up Eren.
Surprisingly enough, he didn't royally ruin Mikasa's birthday cake earlier
(thanks to me doing most of the work—yes, I'm taking most of the credit). Eren
not fucking up for a change can be marked as the first success in years. As a
reward, I won't nag him into helping me with chores. For one, he'd just whine
and give me a headache and secondly, watching Eren working out shirtless isn't
the worse view to have while I tended to a mundane chores.
"Levi?"
"Hm?" I uttered so Eren knew he had my attention, but continued to shake out
the ruffles of the sheet in hand so no unnecessary creases would form when I
folded it.
"You're the smart one here—do you know what those crystals are? Like, why are
they there?"
Giving him my full attention now, I saw that Eren had taken a break from his
routine and was laying flat on the bench, hands behind his head as he stared
upward, a dim glow highlighting his skin. I followed his gaze up to the rocky
ceiling holding gradient crystals above us. They hung high and shined bright,
and almost resemble the starry night sky. I went back to folding up the sheet
in hand with an uninterested shrug.
"Who knows. You'll have to ask Hanji about that science-y shit, not me. I don't
really question them, but it's a blessing they exist or else it would darker
than the inside of an asshole down here."
That was the best analogy I could come with—without those crystals, it really
would be hard to live down here without a candle on hand at all times, even
then that wouldn't be enough to suffice. Those crystals shed some light on this
murky city and make getting around possible. It sure wasn't as bright as the
sun, though, and wandering the streets without paying attention will result in
knocking into things or tripping on crevices in the road. Still, it was better
than nothing.
When the three of us first moved here, the change in lighting was almost
impossible to adjust to. That was quite the realization for a night owl like
myself. The darkness down here made me realize I took advantage of how well-lit
Wall Sina could get at night with the lamplights leading the paths—and even
though it's a shitty city, it could be quite the sight when all the shops
windows were lit.
Over time, it's natural for your mind and senses adjusts to your surroundings,
and thus my perception has become keener in the dark thanks to living down
here, but my candle and oil bill is still unnecessary high due to my efforts of
keeping the house comfortably lit.
"I really miss the sky." With that soft utter, Eren heaved up; palms pressed on
the bench between his thighs as he stared down into his lap.
My arms fell to my side along with the corners of my lips. The clean sheet
brushed against the dirty ground. I said nothing, but Eren spoke as if we were
in the midst of conversation.
"It's one of those things you take for granted of while it's right in front of
you, well, above you, you know?" Eren shifted his gaze to me, a weary smile
tugging at his lips. I couldn't even try to muster up a matching expression. My
heart twinging in my chest was all I could focus on.
"...I'm sorry." I mumbled out, barely, then turned my back to him so I could
pick another sheet off the line.
"Wha—why are you sorry?" There was a baffled chuckle laced in his words.
I continued to preoccupy my mind with the chores—but knowing Eren, he would
keep picking until he was satisfied.
"Really. You don't say 'sorry' a lot so I'm curious."
Swiping a tongue over my lips, I breathed in deep through my teeth, and hooked
my neck back. "Because—" I wanted to end it there, but knew I couldn't.
"Because if you never got mixed up with me, you wouldn't have to be down here
living this shitty life."
I closed my eyes for a moment, reflecting on what I said. Over the years, I've
thought about this in spurts, but actually saying it made me realize how much
truth those words held.
How Eren knocked on my door that night could be seen as a blessing and a curse.
On one hand, him and Mikasa got off the streets before anything could corrupt
their young minds or bodies—but on the other hand they were being raised in a
filthy environment by a criminal that has no clue what he's doing. I can keep
them safe, that much I can promise. I can't promise them anything else, though.
Stability, a better life, meaningful future—nothing. That's the part that
really bothered me.
This place feels like a tomb sometimes. Like everyone down here is already
buried and dead, like this is some kind of cruel purgatory filled with
suffering and struggle before the final end.
Eren and Mikasa won't have bright futures. I try to fool them into thinking
they will become something when I tutor them and try to feed their brains with
all the knowledge I could afford to share. Teaching them all I know is the
least I could offer them, since they can't attend school. In the end, though,
it's all a useless effort.
It's only a matter of time before they get caught up in something illegal—that
comes hand-in-hand when you reside in a filthy neighborhood. If
I'm lucky they'll live a meaningless life and die down here of old age. That's
the only realistic happy ending I could imagine, because when it comes down to
it we're trapped down here. We can't ever leave.
Everyone's trapped up on the surface too, now that I think about it. At least
they have simple luxuries like fresh air and sunlight—we don't. You can't get
that down here. It's a city run by the poverty class. There aren't even decent
jobs or better neighborhoods to upgrade to. To put it simply, there's nothing
to look forward to. Living here is barely living at all.
When I was out on the streets with my friends, we looked forward to getting our
own place together, and we did. We succeeded over an obstacle and checked it
off our list. Three worthless scumbags actually achieved something (although
our methods were crooked, we worked hard to reach our goals). We bettered
ourselves and we felt fucking fantastic for it. Our next step was financial
stability and getting into some big estate together down the line. They would
tease and say they'd hire a hundred maids so I'd never have to lift a finger
again—but I'd simply retort back that they wouldn't be good enough and I'd be
the first millionaire to scrub tiles on my hands and knees.
They were stupid dreams, but they were our dreams and it kept us looking
forward. On those days we felt like shit; too weak to go on, we were able to
look back and see what we accomplished and look ahead at what's to come, even
if they were insignificant achievements and desires.
I guess I just wish the kids had the opportunity to have dreams too—to have
something to look forward to and work toward, but living down here makes that
wish seem so far from reach.
"Levi...you're kidding me, right?" It looked as though Eren was in deep thought
himself. It only took one glace at him to see we were on entire different
pages, though. "Meeting you was the best things that happened to Mikasa and I.
Sure, this place isn't a royal utopia but it sure beats being where ever the
hell we'd be without you. You know, Mikasa wouldn't be alive right now if you
didn't take us in that night. I probably would have died soon after. I'd take a
shitty life underground with you over no life at all." He snorted and covered
his mouth, and I was thrown off given that his seriousness shifted into
unexpected amusement. "Hell, I'd probably still pick a shitty life
with you down here rather than any other life."
"Psh. That makes one of us. I hate this place more than anywhere, and this is
coming from someone who's been outside the wall." I dunked the sheet in hand
into the basket with a heavy sigh. Moving over to the ledge of the roof, I
declared a break and sat. My neck twisted around to catch a view of the city.
"But there's just no other option. This is the only place we could hide."
I found that my features were tugging down with an emotional weight, and I
braced my teeth tight, but my thoughts formed into words and slipped between
despite the restraint my lips bared, "...Too bad the underground city wasn't
around when my parents were alive. This could have been a good place for us all
to hide."
While dazed by my own words and before I had time to realize, Eren came to sit
beside me, his eyes crinkling in empathy. Realizing the mistake I made, my eyes
widened in return.
I bolted up with a careless sniff. I went over to removed the clothes pins from
the last sheet on the line and let it fall into my hands.
"That was a stupid thing to bring up. That's just me escalating shit as usual."
"It's not stupid. I was just thinking about my mom a second ago too." I looked
back to see him staring at his fidgeting fingers. "I was thinking of how I felt
when I lost her, and how I felt I'd never have a normal, happy life again. But,
you proved me wrong. You love doing that."
"This is hardly a normal, happy life, Eren. I'm sure your life was much better
before the breach."
Stiffly, he pushed his shoulders up. "If we're talking about life in general...
than hardly. I mean, it doesn't matter where you go in these walls, there's
assholes everywhere and there's corruption and nothing's fair. I was a dumb kid
in the middle of all that. But now, I'm still a dumb kid, but I'm stronger and
know how to prevent my loved ones from leaving me ever again. I value that a
lot."
I sat back next to him, closer than before, and removed my eyes from the bundle
in my lap and set them on him, silently urging him to continue talking. Eren,
much like myself, kept his emotions bottled up. For a frustrated kid like him,
that was a dangerous habit, but I never wanted to pressure him into talking.
Simply put, I was ready to listen when he was ready to talk. I felt lucky being
around when he was in the mood to share fragments about his past. Some of the
shit that comes out of his mouth could be annoying sometimes, but I do really
like to hear him talk about the person he was before we met.
"I can't lie entirely though—I did have a peaceful home life. I wasn't rich but
my family took care of Mikasa and I. We were just another simpleton family on
the block that didn't have any secrets or drama—a part of me always wished we
were more like our scandalous neighbors."
As memories presented themselves, he bit his lip to hide the smile clearly
showing. His lips flattened after a long pause. "My mother was always a worry
ward. She stressed out about the tiniest things and as a kid I couldn't
understand why for the life of me. I just wanted her to lay off my back and let
me do whatever I wanted—but after I lost her, and once Mikasa and I were on our
own and she was dying and I met you, a chord finally struck in me and I
knew exactly how my mother felt. When you have everything you need, you forget
how it feels to have it taken away; and just like I said people take for
granted the sky right above them, people take for granted of the ones they love
when they're right beside them. When you think about losing them you realize
how different your life would be without them. The way my mother protected me,
the way Mikasa's parents protected her, that's how I want to protect the ones I
love too. It's a shame my mom died before I could thank her. She gave me some
important life lessons."
I swallowed thickly, nodding to show I paid attention. The topic of family in
general didn't settle with me right—but Eren rarely spoke of his mother, or his
life before the breach. The least I could do is add to the conversation.
"Parents are usually good for that type of thing. My parents taught me a lot
too." I offered that, not knowing what else to say.
"Oh yeah? Like what?"
I went back to folding on my lap, trying to ignore that Eren's curious eyes
were planted on me. "...My dad taught me how to fight. I imagine a little shit
like me wouldn't have lasted in this world alone without knowing how to defend
myself. I'm very appreciative of that."
"And what about your mom?"
"She taught me how to clean."
I turned a small smile on Eren, and he belatedly returned it, like he couldn't
tell if I was joking or not at first. He nudged me with his elbow, which was
pretty damn dangerous since we were sitting two stories from the ground.
"C'mon, seriously. Tell me."
My mother did much more than teach me proficient ways to clean. The woman
deserves some credit so I'll spill, this time.
"She taught me a lot about people, you can say. She told me that no one is
completely good or completely evil, that frankly good and evil doesn't exist
and your life is what you make of it. 'You should make choices that you will
regret least in the end', is what she always said. That's not saying you should
always take the moral route, either. It varies from person to person. For
example, my parents made the choice of going outside the wall, because we all
would've been sent to the gallows if caught. In the end I know they don't
regret that choice. Their top priority was always me, and I'm still alive. The
outcome wasn't ideal, but still successful."
My parents couldn't have known how dangerous the outside world really was.
Living safe inside strictly controlled walls gives you the illusion that
everywhere holds laws—the kind of laws my parents were running from. But
there's such thing has too much freedom, and such life exist outside. Just like
there's no laws in the animal kingdom, it's dog eat dog, or in this case, Titan
eat human out there. My parents were desperately searching for freedom and
wanted to lead a self-governing life, unconfined from the rules society
created. Unfortunately, they never found a comfortable middle.
Even thinking of life outside was forbidden; considered to be a great crime.
Them being the rebels they were, they figured they'd go against the system and
see what they were hiding beyond the walls. My parents strongly believed that
government was crooked and made the Titan threat seem much more dangerous than
it was just to keep everyone caged inside so that they could rein their rule
over them—but unluckily for us, the government didn't lie about one thing, and
that was the severity of the Titans.
I think the end they met, however gruesome, was one they preferred over public
execution in front of the same conformist they loathed so much. To them, taking
the chance of being swallowed up by a Titan was better than being killed with
their son for the public's entertainment. They always felt like puppets inside
these walls. They tried to change it. The most regrettable part of their story
is that they never came close. Toward the end of our journey, when we were
running out of places to hide, my mother told me that if they were to fail that
mission, I had the power to change the world if I decided I wanted to.
What a crock of shit.
"I think—" Eren paused to gather his thoughts for a moment, running his palms
over his denim jeans as he did. "I think it's always a parents best interest to
see their child moving forward, even if they can't join them. One of the last
things my mother said to me was to live on. She cared less if she died or not
so long as I was going to survive." He tried hard to force down his lips, "I
bet my mom really likes you, you looked after us in her place and kept us
alive. But I think your parents were smart; they choose freedom over being
killed by the idiots who think they have authority over everyone's mind and
actions in here. Even though they died, they died being free, and not a lot of
civilians in these walls could leave that behind as their legacy."
To the public's eye, my parents weren't good people, but they just wanted
change and they wanted to change themselves, too. No one is perfect, they did
make choices they regretted, most before I was born. But they didn't want to
die for it and have me dragged into their choices before I had a chance to make
my own. As my mother saw it, those regretted choices builds character, but
doesn't make you a bad person, just a person who made a bad decision. Using
myself as an example, you can say I made a fuck-ton of bad choices. I've killed
people, regardless if they deserved it in my eyes or not, but that doesn't make
me a murderer that would go around killing anyone I disagree with. Mistakes and
choices don't defy you as a person. I was once suicidal, but I changed. I was
once a junkie without a mind of my own, but I changed. I once sought mindless
revenge, but I changed.
People can change. People can correct their wrongs. My parents were proof of
that. They did some acts that were looked down on in these walls—but as far as
I knew, their crimes weren't necessarily acts of mindless behavior, but only
socially deemed as wrong. They had a cause to fight, and there's always a price
to pay for revolution; whether it's your own morality or blood shed.
People shouldn't have to die just because someone of higher power judges them
as bad people. As my mother said, choices vary person to person, and can't be
judged as right or wrong by anyone but the beholder.
There are some exceptions to this, of course. Some people don't view choices as
regrettable or not. They just do what they want without considering others and
only care about benefiting themselves. Even so, I still stand by what I believe
and think no one should receive a death penalty. The truly corrupted should be
taught that difference; have it drilled into their heads, and shouldn't die
before learning from their mistakes. That is true moral punishment. Killing
without mercy before giving someone a chance to redeem themselves simply
because your personal outlook contradicts their views makes you guilty of the
same crime.
No matter how far gone a human is, it's natural for them to want to redeem
themselves given the proper treatment and circumstances. My parents received
their treatment when I was born—but even though they held their regrets and
reconciled with them, they were marked forever as mindless criminals and were
forced to run from their past, even if they did want to live a peaceful life
with their child and let their own sins be their punishment.
Even though I was young and didn't understand much at the time, my mother
talked to me about this a lot, because she wanted me to not necessarily live a
good life, but one I consider to be good because there is a difference between
living the way you should and living the way you want.
Unfortunate for her, I'm more like my father. I'm constantly making choices I
regret, even when I know there's other choices available—but all I have to do
is let them build up and hope they don't consume me. And in the meantime, try
to learn from my regrets and make better choices.
"We really should have talks like this more often. I know it's not easy—but I
miss my mom. So it's nice to take some time to remember her every once in a
while."
With sloppy posture caused by memories weighing down on me, I hooked my head up
to him. "And you miss your dad, too."
"Not really," he huffed, a nerve rattling him.
"You shouldn't say that. Your father is your father."
"Eh." He winced, shaking his head. "You don't understand. He was barely around,
not even for the important stuff like birthday's or anniversaries. He wasn't
even there the day my mother died. Maybe if he was, we would've been able to
save her." His fist clenched against his lap. He managed to stiffly swallow his
bitter rage swelling up so he could keep a calm voice. "But as usual, he just
goes missing and doesn't even try to find his kids. What kind of father is
that? Hell, you raised me better than he ever did."
My mouth hung open, eyes batting.
"You...You think I raised you well?" Uncertainty laced my tone, mixed with a
spark of wonder. Shit. That was not the correct response. I shouldn't be
encouraging what he's saying. I should tell him he's a dumb ungrateful brat
that should show his father more respect—but hearing him say that...well. I'm
not sure how that makes me feel. Hearing positive feedback isn't a horrible
feeling though, I guess.
He scooted closer to me and twisted to me fully, looking me straight on without
a hint of doubt showing. "Yes, you did. You did everything right. You protected
us, you gave us company so we'd never be lonely. Supported us, made us feel at
home. You answered all our weird questions, even if they were awkward for you
to answer. Even now you put up with so much for our sake. I know Mikasa is a
simple case, but I can be a handful sometimes but you're always on my side. You
must have a huge heart and a lot of patience to do all that for two bratty kids
you aren't even related to."
I'm sure Eren wondered why the sheet I was previously folding came suspiciously
close to my face—but with the way my face heated up I'm sure it was visible and
I did not want him to see how grateful I was for those words. "I—I still can't
replace your father, Eren." I coughed out, trying to reclaim my default mood.
Not convinced, Eren folded his arms with a sneer. "The difference between you
and him is he ran away when there was a crisis, but you ran with us when there
was a crises."
"Well I couldn't just abandon you and leave you to fend for yourself."
"But my dad did. He abandon us. Wall Sina isn't that huge—I would have found
him after all those months of searching, but he doesn't want to be found. Even
after asking around, I still couldn't find him. He's covering his tracks like a
coward. I mean, he's a doctor, he should've been recognized by someone by now,
but he's avoiding responsibility like he always has."
Tossing the sloppily folded sheet into the basket, I grasped my knees and let
in a choppy breath. I had to work myself up for what I was about to say, but I
knew this day would come. "You know, Eren...I never wanted to bring this up
when you were still young and hopeful, but I hope you realize that there is a
possibility that your father is dead and that's why you can't find him, right?"
"No, he isn't dead."
The stiffness in my shoulders loosened. I stared at him uneasily. The quick,
irrational response from him wasn't one I expected. "How do you know? This
doesn't have anything to do with those weird dreams you used to have about him,
right? I told you, that didn't really happen."
"No. It's not just the dreams," he scratched his head irritably. "A son just
knows these things. I would have sensed it by now, but he's still alive. The
asshole is just hiding from his kids."
". . . . . ." I had no words to offer him. I didn't agree with him—I want to
believe he's still alive for their sake, but I don't understand where Eren's
rebellion toward him is coming from. Then again, Eren has been rebelling
against everything lately. It's only natural for him to go against his father
too. Now that I think about it, I think it's normal for a teenage boy to rebel
against his father.
Admittedly, I found it strange that we never even heard any word of a 'Grisha
Yeager' all these years, but I just assumed he died—that maybe he went back to
look for them and suffered a similar fate as Eren's mother.
About a two years ago, Eren became quite rattled by these reacquiring dreams
about his father. He would have these emotional episodes and muscle spasms in
his sleep for weeks every time he slept. It was painful to watch. These dreams
would become more vivid until he had a basic understanding of what was going on
in them—but even though he told me about them, it never made any sense to me.
Something about his father attacking him and injecting him with something while
he told him to go home.
Eren was convinced this actually happened, and it took Mikasa and I awhile to
convince him otherwise.
I just figured this was his subconscious mind trying to show him what he really
wanted: the longing to see his father and go back home, but since rage built
over time for his fathers absence, his mind envisioned him as a ravaged man
that was trying to hurt him. In Eren's eyes, he did emotionally hurt him by
abandoning him, so psychologically speaking it made sense. Or maybe he was just
eating too much sugar before bed and that triggered fucked up dreams. Who
knows. I'll never understand dreams.
The conversation ended prematurely by a rustic sound scraping along concrete.
Our heads darted in sync to the door on the other side of the roof, and a beat
later, Mikasa popped her head out.
"Hey, guys. I made breakfast."
"Huh?" Eren pushed himself off the ledge and stomped toward her. "We were
suppose to do that!"
"But I always make breakfast..." Mikasa hung her head like she did something
wrong.
"It's your birthday though, it's your day to do absolutely nothing."
"Huh." With a brow high, she squinted on him. "I guess it's your birthday
everyday."
I brush passed Eren, and Mikasa instinctively slapped my raised palm as I
passed. "That a girl."
"Hey!" Eren shouted, and I chuckled through the door, Mikasa close behind as we
traveled back down the stairs without him. "Why are you two always teaming up
against me?!"
                                     _~x~_
A signature beat of knocks echoing through the house had me knowing who was at
the door without even a second thought. Lifting myself out of the dinning
chair, I breathed deeply in preparation and answered door, letting in a serge
of energy so great I was nearly knocked off my feet.
"Sorry I'm late!"
Even though I knew well in advance that Hanji was coming for a visit today, it
always took me a few moments to adjust to the sudden shift in space her
presence caused.
With preoccupied thought and her hands full, Hanji rushed up to me with
excitement and her sticky lips landed on both sides of my cheeks. Groaning, I
wiped the leftover residue on my sleeve with a disgusted glare. Nudging me
aside with her shoulder, she darted her head around like a nervous squirrel.
"Where's my birthday girl!?"
Standing static in the kitchen, Mikasa made her silent presence known by slowly
lifting a waving hand. "Hi, Hanji."
"Kya~! There's my darling niece!"
This cheery atmosphere must be broken, or else I'll earn a headache, or an
arrest record. "For the last time, she isn't your niece."
"Aunt Hanji!" Eren called front the bottom step, unintentionally irritating me
on cue. She greeted him with a cheery shrill and he came forth, giggling like a
moron. It sure does get noisy when she comes over.
"Whoa Eren! Did you get taller?"
"I did, see?" He moved to the frame of the door, pointing out the fresh line
engraved. "A whole inch since the last time you seen me," he announced proudly,
spine erect with hands on his hips.
"I could tell—you grow so fast!" She bent down, shifting the bundle in her
hands to one arm so she could adjust her glasses. "Aw, look at Levi's mark all
the way down there. Hasn't moved a centimeter."
They shared to laugh, and Mikasa shot a worried glare at me.
"Fuck you. Fuck both of you. Get out of my house." I demanded.
"I live here." Eren said dryly, shaking his head at Hanji with a bratty roll in
his eyes.
"You don't contribute anything to the household, you useless moocher. Now go
on," I shooed them with a flick of my wrist. "Out you go."
"Don't be a party pooper!" Hanji warned and removed herself from the quarrel
and faced Mikasa. "Here—I brought you some flowers. Figured you'd like to see
some color in this gloomy bachelor pad."
"Thanks," her lips formed a thin smile. "They're really pretty. What are they?"
With the flowers taken from her hold, all that remained was a thin box held
under Hanji's arm. Her other hand sat on her hip and push up a shrug. "I'm not
sure actually—I told Mike to pick up the prettiest flowers he could find
outside the wall. I never seen any like them before."
Cradling the bouquet like a new born infant, Mikasa sniffed the colorful weeds
that would likely give me allergies and brushed one of the silky petals.
Noting that they're last longer in some water, I shoved myself between them and
shuffled through the bottom cabinets for a suitable vase that would accommodate
the flowers.
"It's not often you get to see any plants down here," I said, and tilted the
vase under the faucet so that it could fill midway with water. "Everything down
here dies. Except for mold. That shit has no problem growing."
"He's just pessimistic as ever," Hanji bumped into Mikasa playfully, and went
on as if I wasn't two feet from them. "I remember he tried to keep that little
Venus Fly Trap I gave him alive—poor thing didn't have a chance. Rest in peace,
chompy."
After setting down the vase, I shook my wet hands at her. "Chompy...?
You named it?"
"Of course I did. It was alive, wasn't it? Well, until you started taking care
of it."
"It died because there's no sunlight, not because I'm that incapable of caring
for living things." I flicked my thumb back. "These two brats are still alive,
aren't they?"
As if to confirm their current status, she studied them long, nodding. "You
have a point there—being a daddy must run naturally in your bloodstream~"
"Don't ever call me daddy again unless you're in bed with me."
Mikasa and I replaced spots and she neatly arranged the bouquet in the vase,
and while Hanji giggled from my innuendo like she typically did, Eren's brows
sunk over his bright puzzled eyes. It was the typical look he gave when the
last remaining bits of innocence he possessed was leaking out.
"Wait, I don't get it. Why's that so funny?" He glanced at Hanji for answers,
who was finally calming her amusement to listen to Eren, then his inquiring
eyes flickered back to me. "Why is it okay for her to call you daddy in bed?
Like if she's sick and you're taking care of her..?"
"Oh my God. Levi. He is so... precious." Seemingly tempted to squeeze Eren's
cheeks, Hanji instead pinched her own as she boiled in his innocent aura.
Eren simply glanced between Hanji and I, wordlessly begging for answers. At
times like this, I couldn't help but to compare him to a lost puppy. I sat
beside him, side-glancing with smug smirk; that seemed to have sent him off the
cliff of confusion.
Leaning over, the suggestive glint in my eyes brightened, "You know, Eren, you
can call me daddy in bed too."
"Wh—"
Satisfied with how Eren choked on his own tongue and shut himself up for once,
I smirked into my glass, intending to reward myself with a stiff shot, but it
was pulled from me before I got the chance to wet my lips.
"You're confusing the children, daddy." Hanji confiscated my booze, then
swigged it down herself. My hand remained limp in the air as I blinked up at
the theft shadowing over me. Looking at me uneasily with her cheeks puffed from
the liquid, she finally swallowed hard.
"What? Mama needs to drink too. Besides, it seems to me you had enough this
evening." She slammed the glass down and perked up. "Anywho! I think its time
we get back on track with Mikasa's birthday, hm?"
Eren and I wore blank masks as Hanji tried stir the bland room into
excitement—she failed horribly. Mikasa, finishing up the bouquet simply turned
sat herself down at the table beside Eren. Her and I were alike in many
respects—which implies she doesn't want unneeded attention for something as
petty as a birthday. She's a bit of a wallflower, and enjoys sitting back and
watching the world unfold around her. That, however, is never possible with
someone nosy like Hanji around. This point was proven with the next topic Hanji
decided to bring up, without warning, putting the poor timid girl on the spot.
"My little Mikasa is growing up so fast—now tell me, is there a special someone
in your life now that you're a young adult~?"
Like a turtle retreating into its shell, she blushed and hid her face in her
scarf, shaking her head.
"I'm surprised, a pretty girl like you should have the boys flocking to her."
"Psh, as if." Eren spat, draping an arm over the back of the chair cooly, his
fist balling. It was if he wanted to punch a hole in the wall at the mere
thought of Mikasa having admirers. "I'll kick their ass if they tried."
I previously decided to stay far out of this subject's range, but that's when I
realized something; I wasn't too happy with the idea myself. "I'll back you
back with that, Eren. I'm really not prepared for her to date either. I don't
think anyone will be good enough in my eyes."
"Ditto—I almost feel bad for any guy that tries to woo her, 'cause there's no
way they're getting through us."
There were many things Eren and I disagreed on, but when it came to Mikasa we
wanted to keep her safe—and to keep a teenage girl safe, you must eliminate
threats. Threats being: Teenage punks that wanted to break the hearts of pretty
girls like Mikasa.
"Oh c'mon boys. Drop the brother-complex and let the girl mingle!" Hanji's low
brows rose suddenly, her eyes lightened in recall. "Oh, that reminded me! I
have another gift for you." She finally removed the package smothered between
her arm and passed it to Mikasa.
The girl tilted her head at the box and went to move her hand to open the lid,
but Hanji stopped her. With one hand on hers, Hanji lifted the other to her
mouth in an attempt to block her words, but Hanji is, as always, unmistakably
loud for her own good. "Don't open it around them."
"What's the secret? Are severed limps in there? Dissected rats?" I recited the
most plausible ideas that came to mind.
"None of your business. And you call me nosy."
"...C'mon, show us what's inside. We'll tell you what we gave Mikasa if you
do." Eren backed me up with his own childish curiosity.
"Nothing, just girly stuff. You guys wouldn't be interested."
With that said, it's settled: I don't care. If this gift is related to female
matters, then I want no part in it. I learned my lesson in the past. I'm not
suited for dealing with women affairs, or better yet, I just don't understand
the concept.
I know as much about women as society knows about Titans; in other words, I
don't know shit. And when you're a clueless guy like me raising a teenage girl,
that could be dangerous. Very dangerous.
If it wasn't for Hanji, I don't know what I would have done. She helped me out
a lot over the years with Mikasa. It's been a damn blessing, to say the least.
She was generous enough to take the girl bra shopping when she started to grow
tits—God knows I couldn't survive through that without getting a stomach ulcer.
Hanji was even considerate enough to take on a parental role the day
Mikasa became a woman.
Mikasa was foolish enough to go Eren (of all fucking people) about her concerns
over her changing body, and he was stupid enough to think his sister was
hemorrhaging and dying.
To my dismay, they went to me for answers. I blanked out completely. The
horrible flashbacks of that day still sent shivers down my spine. Eren was
panicking and Mikasa gave a thousand yard stare. I had my first out-of-body
experience and stood between them, terrified as my consciousness faded and I
soon saw my entire life flash before my eyes. The intimidating conversation
awaiting couldn't be avoided—though luckily, I dodged the bullet—or better put,
Hanji took the bullet for me.
She was there to step in and fill their inquires. First, she took Mikasa in
private and explained the joys of womanhood. Eren's young mind was eased when
she assured him that it was natural for women and it just meant that she was
ready to bear children.
Eren and I both laughed it off later and agreed that Mikasa's not to get
married or have children until we were senile or dead.
Hanji's a good role model in their life, when she wanted to be. She'd often
settle some of Eren's curiosity about the Survey Corps. She gives him full
details about all the things she's learned there and what her training regiment
is like. She's a great female figure for Mikasa—she's always around guys like
Eren and myself, so when they're together they end up doing girly shit together
like painting each others nails and braiding their hair. The kids didn't have
any friends (with the exception of the shady bunch Eren likes to dwell around
with sometimes) but Hanji offered them some fresh company. For me, it was just
nice to have an adult to talk to for a change.
Having Hanji around was fortunate. She understood Eren because she remembers
how it felt to be a moody, confused boy and she also knows how it feels to be a
growing woman like Mikasa. Maybe the title of "aunt" she earned wasn't too far-
fetched. She did help me raise them quite a bit, as if they were her own blood.
Although I have yet to thank her, I'm grateful for having her assistance. I'm
sure she knew this without being vocal—her and I had that type of chemistry.
I was pulled back into the present by Eren's loud voice rupturing. That mouth
of his looks so pretty until he actually opens it.
"I want some too!" He declared, raising his glass.
Quickly, I filled myself in on the situation—Hanji was pouring a small glass of
wine to Mikasa and Eren wanted to get in on that. I didn't comment on the fact
that Hanji was allowing her alcohol. There's two adults present for
supervision, so nothing would get out of hand. Plus, Mikasa is a calm girl by
nature and likely wouldn't be an angry drunk. Eren on the other hand—well,
let's just say he doesn't need to drink to be an angry drunk.
"I wouldn't even let you have a sip. Mikasa's allowed only because it's her
birthday." I said, and held up my own glass for a refill, but it soon fell back
down on the table when Hanji decided to be rude and pass me up, filling her own
glass first.
"That's not fair, you didn't let me drink on my birthday last year."
"That's because you're already dumb enough, I don't need you losing anymore
brain cells."
Eren angrily pouted, trying to look intimating but his childish emotions got
the best of his features. With the way his nose wrinkled, he looked like a
cranky baby with a dirty diaper.
"If that's the case, it's a miracle you have any left yourself."
"What the fuck you say?"
"He has a point, Levi." Hanji agreed with the disrespectful brat and sat beside
me finally, and I fussily grabbed the bottle from her hand and filled my own
glass. Her eyes followed the wine up until it reached the rim. "You really
should cut back on the drinking a bit."
"Blame him. He's the reason I drink." I pointed to Eren and he lifted himself,
palms slamming against the wooden surface. He inhaled a sharp breath, as if
reading himself to shout across the table at me—but I cut him off. "The last
time I tried to cut back, this troublemaker was dragged home by an anger parent
because he broke his son's arm. Then I had to go and break the fathers arm just
to shut him the fuck up. I try to live a peaceful life, but this idiot
frustrates me." I tipped my glass to her and chugged down a mouthful.
"And that is why I stay off the wagon, Hanji."
Hanji shook her head with disappointment. "So how I'm seeing it, Eren needs
anger management, and you need some classes on parenting. Levi,
you're not suppose to do the same exact thing your kid gets in trouble for in
the first place. That's setting a bad example. Next time something like that
happens, just talk to the parent and try to figure out why your children are
having differences."
What is she, a life coach now? Now I remember why I hate that she considers
herself their aunt—she takes the role way too seriously. I was forced into
becoming a "parent" and this nutjob probably uses the scenario as a social
experiment.
"Do you really think I have time to sit down and have tea with every angry
parent that bashes down my door? It's not my job to discuss Eren's inability to
get along with people."
"But by breaking someone's arm, that makes you just as guilty as Eren."
"Sometimes people need to be physically punished to learn their place. I'm not
saying he's wrong in that respect, it's just frustrating when he
gets me involved."
"...You're both two peas in a pod."
Eren and I just sent dirty looks at each other across the table, not sure how
to take that because it sure as hell wasn't a compliment.
Mikasa on the other hand could care less about this petty exchange between the
three of us. She entertained herself by cutting a piece of cake and judging by
her expression, she took a risky bite—but her uncertain cringe soon popped to
delight.
"It's good—Levi helped you make this, didn't he?" She blinked on Eren simply,
the fork lingering in her mouth as if she wanted to suck off every last
remaining crumb.
Eren paused in cutting his own piece. "Wha—How did you figure that out so
fast?!"
"Like I said, it tastes good, that's why."
I just want to make it clear right here and now—Mikasa totally gets her sassy
comebacks from me. I'm claiming full credit of that and I couldn't be more
proud of her.
With a frown, Eren let his head fall in his hand and stabbed the spongy cake
aggressively—probably while imagining it's me.
But Mikasa soon picked up his mood with a friendly nudge. "Oh stop it, I can
still taste your love."
The simple gesture seemed to have built up his spirit. The corner of his lip
hooked up, looking at her with softly eyes. Mikasa smiled back at him as she
rubbed his back in appreciation.
"Ohoo..." Hanji nudged me, repeatedly, trying to get the attention she already
had. I considered nudging her back hard enough to knock her off the chair and
leave a bruise as a reminder not to fucking nudge me. But my threatening
thoughts were diminished by a playful whisper. "Look at how cute they are. I
think these two might make you some grandchildren soon..."
We all let out a sharp "huh?" in unison.
"...Or not." She shrank back from all the stares pinning to her.
From the outside, Eren and Mikasa really did look like the ideal couple. Hanji
wasn't wrong to assume there was something between them—even I became
suspicious of their relationship a few times. They were incredibly close and
shared a loving bond. Though, their feelings didn't rest with each other. To
someone on the outside, their relationship could be quite the riddle to solve,
but I think I recently cracked it thanks to Mikasa's explanation the other day.
They weren't exclusively siblings or friends or lovers, but their emotions came
close to all three. Simply put, they shared platonic love for one another and
cared for the other immensely.
But of course their relationship was far from perfect, but those flaws and
differences were vital components for a healthy relationship. Simply put, there
were some things they absolutely couldn't stand about each other.
"That's disgusting, Eren. Knock it off." Mikasa scoffed at him after he rudely
belched without even excusing himself, and I couldn't agree with her more. What
a disgusting slob.
"Watch your manners," I joined in, "See, this is why you don't have a
girlfriend."
"...I'm pretty sure I don't have a girlfriend for other reasons."
That's right. Now it's all coming back to me. Getting crushes on older men
might prevent someone from getting a lady friend.
"Oh shush, Levi. He'll meet a nice girl one of these days," Hanji assured.
"Someone who likes him for he is, gross quirks and all. You won't have any
trouble finding a girl like that. Especially with a cute face like yours."
"No Hanji, I really wont." He chuckled down at his plate. I stared at him
knowingly.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, you're still young. You have your whole life to
find a girl."
"Yeah but... " Eren's face scrunched, an uncertain smirk appearing. "I'm... not
really into girls."
Hanji, for the first time since she arrive (let's be real, probably the first
time in her life) became completely silent. I basked in the air of quietness
and Hanji's sweet confusion until her mouth opened again. It was a refreshing
moment while it lasted.
"Did...Did Eren just randomly come out of the closet...?" She said carefully,
not believing her own words. She showed a rare emotion of puzzlement. A few
long seconds passed. "...Um, hello? Are we not going to talk about this new
information?!"
"I knew all along that Eren liked boys." Mikasa added simply.
"Yeah, it isn't exactly new news. So what, Eren likes guys. What's to talk
about?"
"And you all didn't tell me?!"
Shitty-glasses needs to settle down. Always getting in others business. As if
Eren sexuality is relevant to her.
Knowing we all decided not to comment on it, she went on with the conversation
herself. "Okay let me rephrase what I said: you're going to find a
nice boyfriend one day."
"I know that." His head ducked low to hide the shy smile he wore as he
absentmindedly played the unfinished cake on his plate.
"Oho, now you sound confident! Do you crush on someone already?"
"He does."
"Shut up, Mikasa." Eren roared through his teeth, warning her.
"Uwa! No way! Who is he? Did you meet him down here? Does he know you like
him?"
Great. Now he's being interrogated. Good luck wiggling out of that, Eren. Hanji
doesn't back down when it comes to gossip. If there's one thing I learned about
Hanji is that she loves talking about relationships and getting right in the
center of the action.
"Enough, leave the kid alone." I interrupted her flow of questions. Not because
I didn't enjoy Eren being annoyed and flustered, but because she was giving me
a headache.
"I'm with Hanji on this. I want to hear more about Eren's crush."
Eren and I simultaneously sent a deadly glare at Mikasa. She knows damn well
who this crush is and all the details you can imagine. Granted, she still
didn't know the current circumstances between Eren and I, hell, I don't even
know, but now is hardly the time to get into that.
"Alright, alright. I'll shut up before someone blows a fuse. But best of luck
to you, Eren. I hope everything works out with him."
"Thanks...I hope so too."
                                     _~x~_
It's funny how a person like myself, who once saw Hanji was a creepy annoyance,
valued her has a good friend now. Her and I are as close as ever. Even though
her life as become busier between her training in the Survey Corps and spending
time with her boyfriend, she hangs out down here with us any chance she gets.
Often enough, she claims this house as her second home when she sleeps over and
claims the couch as her own. When she's not taking over the household, her and
I still get shit-faced and talk about every inappropriate topic you can
imagine.
Our sex lives are nonexistent, so when we go out we pass the time sharing
screwed up fantasies with each other, most about her and Mike and macrophilia
(yeah, she's into that weird shit) and I'd hold back on most of my actual sick
fantasies, like those involving Eren. Somehow the topic always ends with me
really drunk and reminding her that we should have sex. Friends could fuck.
This is what the fuck buddy system was created for. Too bad Hanji isn't a
believer of said system. Damn wasted shame.
Rest assured, our relationship is completely platonic and even though I joke
around I wouldn't have it any other way. Dare I say it, she truly is a great
friend, and if it wasn't for us emotionally understanding each other, I'd
wonder why the hell she chooses to hang around with me.
We're the classic case of opposites attract, but at the same time we can have
conversations without saying a word. We're that much in sync with each other.
Hanji knows when I'm bullshitting her or in a pissy mood, and I know when one
of her gaskets are going to blow and she needs to be offered a penny for her
thoughts.
I wouldn't ask for anything else in a friend because she has it all.
By the end of our little birthday gathering, Mikasa got a bit too tipsy and was
talking up a storm, slurring as she did. It seems like she had some fun and got
loose, though, so no harm done there. Eren made sure she got tucked into bed
safely, then retired upstairs for the evening, leaving Hanji and myself alone
to catch up and continue our drinking
Hanji stood before the mantel, warming up her palms near the fire, but they
soon clapped together and she closed her eyes for a while and paid her respects
to the three urns on the mantel. Although this ritual of hers means a lot to
me, I told her on a few occasions she didn't need to do that every time she
came over, but she always insisted. Now I just let her do her thing without
interruption.
Seated on the couch, I pulled up my knees to my chest, bitter memories drifting
close to the surface. Hanji plopped next to me, her back to me and head rested
on my shoulder as her ankles crossed over the arm rest.
"Did you finally wear yourself out?" I asked.
"Psh, by what? I didn't do anything but eat and drink today."
"And talk. And talk. Oh, and don't forget talk."
"You didn't seem to mute yourself, bud." She lifted the rim of the glass in
hand to her lips, giggling to herself. "I missed this—I feel like I barely get
to see you guys anymore."
"It's only been two months. And you wrote to me every week."
"It still feels like an eternity when I'm away from my little family. But duty
calls, so it can't be helped."
"How's training going, anyway?"
"Ah, still excruciating. I thought they'd give us a break, being so close to
graduation and all. But nope, they want to wear us down to the bone."
Hanji complained about the training quite a bit in her letters—when she's not
blabbing page fulls about her classes and what she learned about the Titans.
I'd often skim through those parts—but it was always nice to hear from her, and
know she was doing well during the months I couldn't see her.
It still surprised me that she hadn't moved on with her new life completely;
she still made time for the kids and I. I wasn't expecting that when she
finally entered the military, but I learned that Hanji's not the type to leave
people behind.
She's not even authorized to come this far from the military base, but she
bypassed that law by saying she needs to check up on her aging father in her
free time. Of course, she does, but her visits with him don't last very long
and she spends the time with me instead.
Since she decided to fill his spot and join the Survey Corps, her father is
beyond proud of her—but he's proud of his son. He still hasn't accepted her for
who she really is. Apart of me wants to meet this man and shake some sense into
him, but some people are too far gone in their ignorance.
"I can't wait to be done with this tedious training already and get out there.
I'm so excited—not only do I get to see real Titan's, but I get to fight
alongside my boyfriend. Pretty romantic, wouldn't you say?"
I wouldn't call myself the romantic-type in any way—I don't even know
what is considered romantic, but that sure as hell wasn't a good example of it,
I'm sure.
"Just...be careful." Realizing too late that my words came out more sappy than
planned, I covered them up, "I mean, I know how you are with Mike—you'll
probably have your eyes on him and forget your in Titan territory."
"Heuheu, you got me there—ah, I like him even more than Titan's~!"
Is that even a compliment?
"Wouldn't it be so sexy to make love outside the wall? UGH! I would die to do
that with him. Now that would be an awesome way for me to lose my virginity."
She collapsed down weakly, her head landing into my lap as she squirmed with a
ridiculous look on her face.
"Then do it. You're a little old to be still calling yourself a virgin anyway.
You're so sex crazed—I don't even know how you lasted this long without
snapping." I just realized what I said. "Oh my God, I just realized why you're
crazy. You need to get laid. It all makes sense now."
"Oh hush. You know why I can't do it yet."
I slapped my gaze down at her, exasperated. "What? I thought you said you were
going to tell him soon. You're telling me he still doesn't know about your
dick?"
"...Of course he does."
A presented her with a crooked brow as her greasy head rubbed against my thigh.
"...Then why are you shaking your head no?"
"Okay, you got me! He doesn't know yet!" Ashamed, she cupped hands over her
face. "I'm still afraid I'll scare him off."
"Hanji, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret." At that, her peeled herself
up, her legs bending under her as she sat inches from my face like an eager dog
waiting for a treat. "Mike has been going out with you for almost four years
without getting an ounce of sex. Now call me crazy, but I think that makes it
pretty clear he doesn't give a damn about what's in you pants and cares
about you."
"You make it seem like we're totally abstinent. We still screw around, we just
don't have sex, is all."
"Please, enlighten me how you screw around while hiding a stiff one in your
pants."
"Well, I do have tits for him to play with—and I give him blow jobs."
I reclined back, almost impressed. "Well you must give amazing-fucking-
blowjobs if he's stuck around this long."
"Oh I do, Levi. I do." She took on an unexpected strict tone. Looks like she
takes blowjobs very seriously. Now that's what you call a good catch. Too bad
Mike got to her first.
"Hm. Just your tits alone would keep me around too, so I don't blame the guy."
I let my eyes fall on her chest. "Have I told you lately that you have
fantastic tits?"
"Only every time we meet~" She smirked, satisfied with the redundant
compliment. "Sometimes Mike catches onto my generosity, though, and he'll want
to return the favor but I'm just internally screaming 'Why don't I have a
vagina?'."
"Why don't you have a vagina yet? What's the hold up?"
"Well, for one, I can't get any time off while training to get it done, and
also...I want to tell him before I get the operation. I want him to accept me
no matter what's between my legs. I feel if I get the surgery, then tell him, I
won't get a genuine response...It sounds selfish, I know."
"No, it's not. After all the time you been together, you deserve to have him
want you regardless if you have a dick or a pussy, seems only fair to me."
She let her head fall on my shoulder again, nuzzling me. "This is why you're
the bestest friend I've ever had."
"You're drunk. Or you just live a really sad life if that's true."
"Hey, give yourself some credit."
"You know, the kids always say that to me too."
"Then you should listen to them. They're smart."
"Are we talking about the same kids here, or am I getting too drunk?" I stared
questionably into my own glass, trying to count up the number of refills I had.
"Shut it, you know you're a softie when it comes to them. You wove them to
pieces, admit it."
I shivered, disgusted by her false assumption. I wouldn't scoop so low and
admit such a thing. I care for them, sure, but Hanji's exaggerating as usual.
"So!" Slapping her knees, she bounced up, intending to change the topic, likely
because of the dirty look I sent her. "Let's talk about you. You still single?
I bet you're still single."
She asked this constantly, and I always gave her a solid yes in return. She was
more surprised than me to find out I haven't even hooked up with anyone in all
these years—but even so, she still asked, hoping I'd reveal something juicy.
It was time for a change of pace. I rolled my eyes and huffed out a "Sort of."
"Sort of? Whoa whoa whoa. Back up." Oh boy, here it comes. A change of pace
wasn't such a good idea after all. "What the hell does sort of mean? You either
are or you aren't. There is no such thing as sort of."
"Forget it, it's not as exciting as it seems."
"Tell me!" She pounced on me, nearly causing my drink to spill.
"Oi, settle down."
"Not until you tell me! Are you seeing someone?"
"No."
"Okay...Are you hooking up with someone?" She gasped. "You're...You're not back
with Erwin, are you?"
"No—and quit it, I feel like I'm playing twenty fucking questions."
"If you want me to stop, then tell me. If not, I'll keep you up all night with
guessing until I get it right."
I let my head fall back, the back of the couch supporting my neck. I sighed to
the ceiling as I deliberated the worst that could happen if I did fill her in
on my current 'love life'. Ew. No. Scratch that. I'm never calling it that
again.
"If it will get you to shut up, I'll tell you, but you can't freak out."
"Uh..." She grinned, uneasily. "Why would I—"
"I'm going on a date with Eren."
My words exploded through the room, nothing but white noise rung our ears for a
few long moments. If it wasn't for me internally cursing myself for letting
booze give my lips bravery, then all I would hear now would be the cackling
fire and the small, cut off squeaks coming from Hanji quivering lips.
"L-Levi," she finally managed to force out.
"I know, don't say it."
"He's...He's barely fifteen."
"Like I said, don't freak out."
Fifteen. That really is young now that I'm saying it out loud. Disgusting. I am
disgusting. And slightly horny.
She scooted back, giving herself some breathing room. Her feet were planted on
the floor, hands loosely by her sides as she slowly reclined back. Her eyes
darted aimlessly with her jaw unhinged, but the gap was filled with an uneasy
chuckle.
"I-I was not expecting that," she laughed softly again, shaking her head.
"Shit...I swear, I'd call you an old pervert right now if this was any one
else—but I suppose you guys are close... But wait. Wait." She nearly choked on
her own realization. "What Eren was talking about earlier at the table...The
crush?! That's you?!"
"Stop making a big deal out of this."
"Oh I'm going to make a big deal out of it alright!"
She was trying desperately to wrap her head around this, skipping from
excitement to confusion in the matter of seconds. All I could do is look at her
with sympathy because I knew far too well how confusing this topic could be.
Eren and I with a date in the mix is a frustrating concept to understand, I
didn't even understand it myself.
"But—why Eren all of a sudden? I know you guys have been inseparable for a long
time, but you really want to date him now?"
"Not necessary date—we're just going on a date. I'm not saying he's going to be
my boyfriend—fuck no, I don't think I can commit myself to a real
relationship."
For one, I never been in one, so I doubt someone my age could even handle a
healthy relationship at this point. "I'm expanding my horizons, you can say."
"With teenagers?"
Well of course I sound like an old pervert if you put it that way.
"Can we put age aside for the time being? Listen, I'm well aware that Eren is
still very immature, but he's wiser than me at times. He's one of those people
that just say and do the right things at the right moment—not always but when
it actually counts, you know what I mean. He just—" Weakly, I sighed, defeated.
I didn't even know where I was going with this explanation. "He makes me happy,
I guess. And he's hot—and I want to fuck him. There, I said it."
"Holy shit Levi." She shook her head in disbelief at me, then poked at my
cheek. I nearly bit her finger off out of reflex. "I never saw you with that
kind of look before."
"What look." All emotion was drained from my face: my bodies natural reaction
to that kind of comment.
"I think—I think you actually like him. Who knew. I sure as hell wouldn't have
ever guessed."
"Like is a loose term. Of course I like him—I wouldn't have put up with his
shit all these years if I didn't, but I just don't know how much I like him
yet. I may regret taking him on a date, but I need to settle some personal shit
for myself. I'm hoping if we go somewhere, just the two of us, we can just talk
and get some stuff in order. We've been kind of neglecting our emotions for a
long time now."
"Mhmm. In other words you're interested, that tells me everything I need to
know." Fully infested now, she scooted closer, her arm slithered over the back
of my shoulders. Gross.
"So, tell me more details about this little tryst. I bet it's going to
be...magical."
"It's not a tryst. We're going out on Eren's birthday. Nothing special."
"Where are you bringing him?"
"...It's a secret."
She gave me a look. "Maybe to him. But you can tell me."
"I don't know..." I studied her with squinting eyes. "You're too gossipy to
keep a secret."
Her glasses fell to the tip of her nose, her big brown eyes peered at me over
the frames. "Levi, I've been hiding a secret in my pants from my boyfriend for
four years now."
"Touché."
I motioned my finger to her, urging her to come closer. Eren was likely deep
asleep right now, but he was still above us and close in ear shot, so I ensured
my words wouldn't be heard by whispering into Hanji's ear.
She pulled away from me, her mouth dropped and brows sunk. I couldn't read her
expression and anxiety swelled up in me.
"What...would that be a crappy date?" My low self esteem decided to pay me a
visit. Honestly, I just came up with it a few hours ago without any thought put
into it. Plus I have no idea what a date is actually suppose to be like so
there's a good chance it's not actually a good idea. At least Hanji is known to
give her honest opinion, she would tell me if it's an awful idea or not. With
the expression she gave, I might be back to square one.
She reclaimed her posture with a thoughtful look. ""No—no not at all. That's
actually—how can I put this?" She tapped her lip. "You're either batshit
insane, or you're secretly a hopeless romantic."
More like a hopelessly insane person. I really couldn't think of anything else.
Even if he hates it, I still get points for the surprise element.
"Really though, do that. But Levi—just for future reference, dates usually mean
just bringing someone out to dinner. But this is good—not traditional, that's
for sure. I'm sure it will be a memorable birthday for him."
"It better be or else it would be a complete waste of time." Maybe it was just
all the booze I consumed today finally catching up, but my head was swimming
and doubts started floating to the surface. "I don't know—I have no clue what
I'm doing with him or what I'm getting myself into. You were right, though. He
really is young. That's part makes me hesitant."
She waved my concern away. "Nah. Now that I think about it, age of consent in
the walls is fifteen anyways. Most royals are getting ready to wed by his age.
Still, who knew you were a cradle robber. Never would've guessed."
"One more dig and your glasses go straight up your ass."
"No need to threaten my anal virginity, you sexual deviant." I'm going to
fucking hurt her. "In all seriousness, it's fine so long as Eren is consenting
and likes you back. It's not a big issue, it's not like he'll tell the police
an older man is preying him...Is that what you're worried about?"
"No. It's not like that. I'm just worried he's not thinking
straight because he's so young. I consented to a lot of shit that seemed right
at the time when I was younger, but realized they were horrible decisions when
I get older. I don't want to be a regrettable memory to him."
"How could you be? You and him had your ups and downs, but overall life has
been happy between you guys. I don't see why he'd regret it—even if the
relationship doesn't hold out that's how life is. You can't predict the future,
after all. If you could then everyone wouldn't go through trial and error stage
and just skip to where they marry the one they're meant to be with." She gave
herself a moment to organize her thoughts and I took that time to take an
unneeded drink. "What I'm trying to say is, right now is what matters. He likes
you, and you like him in your own way. See where it goes. If you both think it
doesn't feel right down the line, then whatever, call it off. At least you
could both say you tried and not wonder what if."
"I guess. See, here's another kicker though. On the contrary, I'm also worried
his feelings are genuine. Like, what if he really wants to be serious?"
"Uh...You really are drunk." Leaning over, she pushed the wine bottle out of my
reach. "If that's the case, then go steady with him. That's a good thing, not
something you worry about. Seriously Levi, this is teenybopper shit. It's not
complicated."
Hanji doesn't get it. It's not that simple for me. For her, going steady with
someone is a positive outcome; her long time relationship with her boyfriend
proves that. But I've never dated anyone before. Never had a boyfriend,
girlfriend, never thought of getting married or having children. I never even
went on a date before.
But if Eren really wanted to be serious; actually go for the long haul with
me—then it might not end well. Someone like me will just break his heart
unintentionally. I like Eren. I think he's a good kid. He's attractive. I'd
love to do kinky shit with him—but him owning the title as my boyfriend scares
the shit out of me. It goes beyond just trust or commitment issues. I
just am an issue and I'm not really compatible with romantic relationships.
Complication is not my forte, and I'd rather keep a simple relationship with
him and just have some casual sex without anything changing—but that's not up
to me to decide. There's so many ways this could play out. Either Eren will get
too serious and I'll back out like a coward, or he'll grow up to realize he
made a mistake, leaving me feeling like a dirty old man that took advantage of
a kid. Or, if I want to think up unlikely scenarios, Eren and I will go steady
in a serious relationship for years to come, mutually pleased with that.
I doubt it. I'm too much of a fuck up to manage anything normal like that.
I don't even know how I feel about the kid yet. I have a rough idea but I keep
going back and forth with it. I'm also a selfish prick that never had to
emotionally support a partner before. Though, that might come natural—I do care
about Eren, so I do want to protect him and keep him company. Getting some of
that in return would take getting used to, but the concept itself isn't
completely terrible.
No matter what angle I look at it, though, it comes back to me feeling not good
enough. Eren's no prize package—he's an emotional, sloppy brat. However, after
all these years of forcing him to settle for less than he deserved, I imagined
him having a partner that would be worthy, and I don't think I fit into place
with that expectation.
I'm an insecure wreck that's been damaged in so many ways beyond repair. In
many ways, I'm broken and used up. Someone fresh and young like Eren should
have a shiny new toy to play with that didn't malfunction constantly and need
tuning up.
I have a lot of issues—everything from the way I see myself, the bitter outlook
I have and my dishonorable past—all of these things made me into quite a
pathetic excuse of a human. What Eren saw in me will always be a mystery. This
is what makes me skeptical. On one hand, I secretly hope he see's me as someone
special so I don't become a bad memory for him one day that he'll regret. But I
also don't want his feelings to be genuine, because I'm not sure if I'm good
enough or even ready to return them.
"You might be drunk...but you definitely need a refill." Hanji's light pat on
my back pushed me out of my dispiriting rut. I must have zoned out long enough
for her to notice.
"More like I need the whole bottle." Propping my elbow up on the armrest, I
nursed my throbbing head in hand.
"One full bottle of wine coming up." She reached over to the wine bottle on the
coffee table and refilled my glass, but stopped the flow before reaching the
tip. With a thought-provoked expression, she turned to me seriously. "But
really, Levi... you're thinking too deep into this. No one knows everything at
once. Not when it comes to love. It's such an illogical sensation. A person
like me that needs rational explanation really couldn't comprehend it at first,
but when you stop trying to figure it out, that's when it starts making sense.
When Mike and I first got together, I kept thinking I wasn't good enough,
because he deserved a pretty girl that didn't keep secrets from him—and you
know, he said something one night that helped me come to terms with myself. He
asked me why someone as great as me was with some weird guy like him. And
that's when I realized that falling for someone isn't a choice. No matter how
much you try to predict or change the outcome, it isn't up to you in the end.
It's actually up to fate, as corny as it sounds. If fate wants you and Eren
together, it will happen regardless of what you think. I know you're a control
freak, but I'm sorry to say this is just out of your hands. Sit back and enjoy
the ride. There's lots of ups and downs, but it's worthwhile in the end. I
promise."
"Are you fucking done talking yet? Geez, you talk even more when you're drunk."
Ruining the mood like the asshole I am, I ripped the glass from her hand and
emptied it with one gulp. I acted as if I didn't pay any mind to her rambling,
but I let every word glue to my brain. "Always with the damn speeches. Tch."
"That's it, I give up! Stay alone and miserable forever."
Her smirk widened as she started to laugh, and I nearly smiled at the obnoxious
sound she made.
"...Thanks, Hanji."
"Anytime."
Chapter End Notes
     The date is so close I can taste it. Heu heu~ The next chapter will
     start with something quite unexpected...I don't want to say smut,
     but...it's kinda/sorta smut... Involving Ereri, but not really so
     don't get your hopes up because it's not what you think. It's
     basically just a cock-tease -coughs- literally. I'll shut up now and
     stop being vague and confusing. .-.
     There will also be some bonding between Eren and Mikasa because those
     two don't spend enough of alone time together. Also, Commander
     Handsome is gonna come in to say hello! n_n
***** Tension *****
Chapter Summary
     Sexual tension is evident, but Levi still can't bring himself to
     follow through with what his body desires. That doesn't stop the boys
     from having fun with themselves, though. Later, they figured a night
     apart would help settle some of their anxieties, but now they're even
     more nervous about their future plans just around the corner.
Chapter Notes
     This is my longest chapter yet—but it feels really short to me for
     some reason? Does anyone remember when my chapters used to be like 3-
     5k long? Pff yeah me neither. Anywho! There's a little treat for you
     guys to hold you all over~ (and me...especially me). Just a heads up,
     there is some full-blown Ereri smut just in reach so look forward to
     lots and lots of sex in the near future. Like, a lot. I have so much
     to make up for and I fully intend to get it all out of my system.
     I should also make a quick note here: This chapter and chapters to
     come will have some modern(?) references. This isn't inaccuracies,
     I'm just one of those people who believe the canon story takes place
     in the future, so I think that certain stories, songs, traditions,
     etc were passed down and still exist in their timeline. Just thought
     I should mention that. :x
See the end of the chapter for more notes
A comfortable numbness sedated my body as I climbed up the stairs with heavy
dependence of the railing. I might've had one too many—or five too many—I'm not
sure, I lost count after the first bottle of wine emptied.
Once I conquered the stairs, I was welcomed by a lump of uncovered flesh rested
on the mattress, hugging a drool drenched pillow. I couldn't help but wonder
how Eren didn't get cold being in nothing more than thin pajama pants with no
blanket around him. I'm almost envious. There he is laying half-naked,
completely unaffected my the temperature while I'm dreading the thought of
removing my clothes because of the evident chill in the room. But I'd never
sleep comfortably in what I'm currently wearing. I'd have to persevere and
temporarily let the cold assault my bare skin.
Reluctantly, I pulled my blouse up and struggled to free my head for a moment.
I forgot to loosen a button near the collar, but finally escaped without a
drunken panic. I tossed the shirt into the hamper and whipped off my belt,
accidentally dropping it. The buckle rang against the hard flooring and I
peered over my shoulder, wondering if that disturbed Eren's slumber.
Stirring only briefly, his lips smacked together and his even breathing
returned. His eyes were still fastened shut and projecting a dream. As if
caught in a trance, I kept observing his calm features and relaxed muscles. A
few rapid blinks broke the spell.
In the most uncoordinated way you can imagine, I went back to undressing
myself. I nearly lost my balance and fell on my face while removing my socks,
only to realize that my struggles could have been avoidable if I just sat down
to take them off. With that said, I'm pretty sure now that my refill count is
closer to ten. This pathetic scene went on, (luckily I was the only one to
witness it) until I finally managed to get some warm night-clothes on.
Sighing, I sat heavily into the mattress and unlatched the band of my watch;
which displayed four hands according to my double-vision vision. Setting it on
the nightstand, I scooted up and sunk into bed, my head spinning from the
sudden shift. I let out a comfortable huff.
"Levi?" Startled from his sleep, Eren popped a teary eye open at me and pushed
his head up to look around, his messy hair sticking to the pillow. "What time
is it?"
"Late. Did I wake you up?"
Relining back down, he shook his head with a groggy, "nu-uh". That made it
clear that I did indeed wake him up. I furled toward him, tucking my cold hands
beneath the pillow.
"Did Hanji go home?" he asked, his voice still raspy.
"Yeah."
"It's nice she came over. I like when she visits."
"Yeah."
The gap between us suddenly became noticeable. Ever since we've been so close
while we slept lately, it felt off when we were even a few inches from each
other. I guess you can say we got used to that reestablished tradition again
real fast.
"Are you cold?"
"...Yeah."
He frowned. "You okay?"
I opened my lips, but he spoke first with a snicker, "Let me guess, yeah?"
"Shut it. I'm tired. And drunk—and freezing."
With his arms expanded and welcoming me, I scudded toward him and he moved
across the mattress and met me half-way in the center. Eren came in for the
rescue by slithering around me, tugging me snugly into the curves of his body.
Reaching for the blanket, he pulled it up over us and made sure I was tucked in
properly. He can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but he really is
considerate.
"Did I fixed one problem?" There was a smile in his voice.
My forehead nodded against his chest, and I moved my head up to look at him
directly.
Maybe I am thinking too much like Hanji said. I could definitely get used to
this—laying this close to Eren, his body heat warming me up, staring into those
beautiful eyes.
That sounded so fucking cheesy. Ew. What, am I in some bottom shelf romance
novel?
Still, what I said is the truth, as disgusting as that truth may be.
"Oh, by the way—I found out what Hanji gave Mikasa for her birthday, thought
you'd be interested."
My jaw stiffened to trap a yawn, but it came out anyway. I huddled closer,
intending to get comfortable for when I can go to sleep—but I won't be
departing for my dreams as quickly as I hoped. Eren is and always will be very
talkative when he first wakes up.
"Oh yeah? What'd she get?" I tried to show a little interest in my voice, but
the second yawn riddled in my words made me sound completely bored.
"...A dress." He replied simply. Blinking, I took a moment to filter what he
said—I prepared myself for much worse. I didn't know how to react to that.
"That's all it was? I wonder why she tried to hide it from us."
"It could have something to do with me mistaking it for a shirt at first
because of how short it is..."
I knew that preparation I made beforehand wasn't in vain.
I sealed my eyes shut. "For Christ sake. What is she trying to accomplish by
giving her something like that?" My fatigue was set to the side temperately.
Annoyance boosted my energy for the time being.
"There was a letter inside the box saying 'every girl needs a tiny black dress
for their first date'. Ugh..."
I groaned right along with him. "Throw that thing out when you get the chance.
We'll get her a more suitable dress another day."
"She said she'd never wear it anyway, Mikasa's very modest that way."
"I hope you're right. I still say we throw it out as a precaution."
"Hanji would probably throw a fit. Just let it collect dust in the closet."
"Fine, but if she wears that thing out and she gets wooed by some no-good thug,
it's your job to kick his ass."
"My pressure."
I let out a quick chuckle and he soon joined in. But abruptly, the amusement in
my voice withered when I dreaded realization popped in my head. "...You're both
growing up fast."
His nose crimped before forcing his lips into a curve. "You sound sad about it,
it's a good thing."
"Not really. Mikasa's going to date soon whether we like it or not—and you,
well, you're pretty much the same. But at the rate you're growing, you're going
to turn into a Titan."
"I'm not that tall."
"You will be."
Eren looked almost surprised to hear me say that and I instantly regretted
being responsible for that smug smirk on his lips.
"Well for future reference, I'll be sure not to squish you under my feet~"
"Asshole." I biffed him on the bicep and for a moment we battled beneath the
blanket, all while he laughed in pain. I won, and Eren got his revenge by
clutching me painfully tight, but I saw that as a reward for my victory.
We stayed motionless like that for a while until my doubts broke the mood. I
could see why Eren see's growing up a good thing—it's exciting and when your
his age you have a million possible doors you could go through, but for me, all
my doors were shut (really, I locked myself out of most of them and threw away
the keys).
There's only one more door open for me right now; the last remaining door that
shed some hope and made it clear that I wasn't trapped.
"It's just—you're both going to leave me someday." And when they do, that final
door will shut on me like its done hundreds of times before.
When my friends first died, I believed all the doors closed on me for good. I
was trapped again, trapped in the same way I was before I attempted
suicide—they welcomed me inside that time, but just as fast as it opened it
closed again.
But then Eren knocked and that door has been opened ever since. As selfish as
it sounds, I never want it to shut—but I'm wise enough to know that's only
wishful thinking.
"Levi..."
Not expecting him to call my name, I moved my eyes up to him. Immediately, he
took hold of my face, mashing my cheeks together firmly. He kept his hands
there despite my efforts to draw back. I'm well-aware that I'm saying some
weird shit because I'm intoxicated, but I hoped he'd pass it off as drunken
rambling—I hadn't expected that stern gaze he's planting on me right now.
"Why do you think we're going to leave you?"
It sounded like a joke. It's natural order for me. "Of—Of course you're going
to leave. C'mon." Escaping his hard glare, I tried to utter a chuckle to sound
casual, but that only made it sound even more phony and pathetic than planned.
"It's normal. Either you'll both get married or join the military or—"
"First of all," he cut me off, "you don't have to worry about me getting
married. And even if we do start our adult lives, that doesn't mean we're just
going to abandon you forever. I'll always be here with you, regardless of what
I decide to do with my life."
"Please," the plea slipped out on its own, "...don't make promises you can't
keep."
Ashamed, I blindfolded my eyes with my hand, but my wrist was quickly cuffed by
Eren's hand and I was forced to look at his peeved eyes darting right on me.
"I know you're a little sensitive from drinking right now, but I honestly hope
you don't mean that. I wouldn't lie to you, you should know this by now. I
never once made an empty promise. It may take a while, but I still hold the
promise I made as a kid: I'm going to make you happy. I can't do that if I
leave you, right?"
With hostility, I shook my wrist until I broke free. My balled fist punched the
pillow and my eyes were sealed as tight as my lips. I'm trying not to send out
a rude retort after he gave me solace, but I wanted to tell him I didn't
believe him, but at the same time I did—and a part of me wanted to call him
stupid for holding back for the sake of some old washed-up thug. There were so
many things I wanted to say at once, but I ended up saying nothing.
A warm caress melted my tense fist. I opened my eyes in time to see Eren's
fingers gently (but forcefully) intertwining with mine. My eyes followed as our
conjoining hands were brought to his chest. For the time being, the reoccurring
thumps against the back of my hand brought me calmness. He has such a strong
heartbeat.
His forehead pressed against mine and he squeezed my hand tighter. I just
noticed how his body molded to accommodate mine perfectly—we fit together as
well as we did years ago. Our nose brushed against each others and he reopened
his eyes at this. We stared at the close range for a while, our lashes
fluttering and brushing together.
Those fucking eyes always end up taking my breath away; I never even saw them
this close before. I'm noticing all kinds of fine, tiny details now that I
haven't before. I couldn't look away, not even after he did to carefully watch
the air traveling between my lips.
His pupils dilated. My heart sunk as his lids soon hooded with intent. With his
cheeks so close to mine it was hard to tell which one of us was causing that
heat between our faces, but I had a shameful hunch that I was blushing just as
much as Eren. I compressed his hand until my knuckles went numb as he nudged
his chin closer until our lips were centimeters apart.
"Eren."
"W-What?" he shouted directly in my face.
"...No." I mustered up a strict tone and heaved my head back, but I'm honestly
in shock from what he was about to do—it hasn't even hit me yet. The fact I
spoke up at all and didn't go through with it was the real shocker, though.
"I-I'm sorry—" Red tinted his entire face. A scarce amount of tears built up in
the outer corners of his eyes. I almost wanted to apologize for sending him on
a bumpy emotional ride—but he's the one who added in an unnecessary turn.
"Honestly I was just about to ask if it would be alright. I-I wouldn't have
done it without your permission."
Ask permission? What the hell was he going to say? 'Can I kiss you'?
...Now I wish I waited a few more seconds before backing out. I would've liked
to hear that.
"Lame." My fucking heart is beating so fast and a dizzy-spell dispensed right
into my head. I was even shaking, and I was too hot to blame it on being cold.
Hopefully pissing him off will avert his attention from that.
"Oh, so I'm lame when I'm being respectful and asking for consent but I'm an
ungrateful brat when I don't show respect. You're just a little contradiction."
I held my head from the whiplash of emotions. He could have said it with a
better attitude, but he's right. I shouldn't have said that. I gave the
impression that it's lame to ask permission—even though I find it quite
tedious, asking consent is an important rule to drill into teenage boys. I
shouldn't have teased him for doing the right thing.
"Forget what I said. I'm just... not ready for that yet. If anyone is lame it's
me."
A hard chortle later, he pushed aside some loose stains from my forehead.
"No. No one is lame. I understand."
Eren quietly combed my hair with his fingers as I stared wistfully at his thin
smile. "I'm really not feeling like myself lately." I meant to think that but
looks like the bravery of booze is still holding direct authority over my
vocals.
"In what sort of way?"
"Forget it." I untangled myself from him and flipped the other way. My head
landed hard on the fluffed pillow and I swallowed hard, knowing I haven't
escaped fully; I still felt those eyes tracing over my back. What I'm trying to
escape from in the first place is still unknown to me.
"Are you mad at me?"
How could I be mad at that perfect fucking idiot. God, now I'm calling
him perfect. No no no. He's at the bottom list of perfection. Hell, he's not
even on the list.
If I'm mad at anyone right now, it's myself for being a coward. "No, Eren. I
just feel like sleeping this way tonight." And I also couldn't bear to
even look at him—or let him feel my chest thumping so fast against his any
longer. My face probably looks really ridiculous too. All points considered,
it's for the best if I'm not facing him tonight.
As if unsure if my words were sincere, he kept distance behind me. Afraid he
might make a wrong move and upset me, probably. He likely thinks he made a
mistake for trying to make a move, but he's not in the wrong. It was a natural
reaction on his part, I'm the one not going about it like I should have—fuck, I
don't even know what I should have done.
To spare him from unnecessary fretting, I assured him by blindly reaching back
for his wrist and plopped his arm down on my hip.
He took the hint and cautiously nestled up behind me, his chest pressed against
my back, a leg draped over mine. He stuffed his face between the pillow and my
hair and gave a muffled, "Goodnight."
What am I doing with this kid? I'm fucking his emotions up and my own in the
process. I don't even want to know what almost happened a minute ago—actually,
I know exactly what almost happened, but if I let myself think about it I'll
get pissed off for not only backing out, but for getting so worked up over
something that didn't happen.
I suppose Hanji's advice had some truth to it. Maybe I should just ride it out
and let this take its course. Worrying about what the hell is going on between
Eren and I will only age me ten years and get me no where. My fingers
subconsciously brushed Eren's forearm as I pondered, leaving a trail of
goosebumps behind.
Maybe I should have let him kiss me. That might have settled some confusion
once and for all. I would have known if I liked him or not, or who knows, maybe
I would have been repulsed by it.
Or—my emotions would have turned off and I'd end up having sex with him right
here, right now because I have no damn restraint over myself once I start
something. If that were to happen, I'd be in the same spot I am now. With a
distraction like that, I doubt I could figure out my emotions while getting
pounded into the mattress.
If it were anyone else, I'd be all for it. Fuck yeah, let's make-out and bang;
that was my old motto. But with Eren I can't, because Eren makes me fucking
think about shit I shouldn't be thinking about. I just used to act on harmless
impulses, now I'm passing them up driving into madness instead.
If there was a clear reason why, this would be much easier to decipher, but
there isn't. What has this kid done to me?
A part of me wants to kiss him out of pure spite of my brain, just to show it I
fucking did it despite its efforts of holding me back. The more I think about
just going in and doing something so simple, though, the more my body tenses up
and the more I can't control how my muscles function. My brain is a prick, its
literally locking my body down because it's confused for no reason.
For the time being, it's better to keep my mind sharp and keep affections like
that at bay.
At some point in my thoughts I drifted off. It felt like only an hour or so
later, but here I am with my eyes open again, listening to breathy pants and
slick, wet sounds. My eyes shriveled into a disgusted squint.
Fucking teenagers.
Can they leave their hand off their dicks for one night?
This was typical and something I've gotten used to over the years. Ever since
Eren discovered the wonders of masturbation at age twelve, he's been doing it
practically every night since. And lucky for me, I share a bed with the horny
bastard. Just to add to my streak of luck, I often wake up during it. In other
words, I have to suffer through the awkward second-hand embarrassment and
pretend to be asleep as the pervert finishes himself off.
What's worse—it always turns me on and it's fucking excruciating. Most of the
time it's pure agony trying to force myself back to sleep with a stiffy begging
to be tugged.
There was some humor to the situation, though; he actually believes he's being
sneaky about it. I almost gave myself away by laughing at the pathetic thought.
He's so obvious when he does this. He's very vocal, for starters. I should have
never told him it was natural for a person to touch themselves; he took the
advice far too literal and thinks it's as natural as eating or brushing your
teeth. Marking that as the biggest mistake I've ever made. Truth be told, I'm
not cut out for teaching sex ed, despite my years of experience.
This is why he's probably so comfortable with doing it anytime he wanted, even
with a 'sleeping' person right beside him. I should have made it clearer that
it's a private thing that should be done only privately.
The only difference between those times and now is that Eren is still very much
attached to me—roaming softly over my body with his free hand, fondling up my
arms sensually as sweet moans breeze against the back of my neck. Once fully
realizing what he was doing, I froze, even my breathing stopped.
Does it count as child molestation if I'm actually the one being molested?
The heel of his foot brushed down my calf and soon his toes were curled against
mine. Our feet twined together as his rhythm seemed to have speed up.
That pretty much answers my question. And I'm officially hard now. Damn him.
After enduring another fifteen minutes of biting my lip and thinking of
drowning kittens just to get my piece soft, I realized Eren must of ran into
some trouble, or ran out of inspiration. He usually does this for about five
minutes and it's over, but he's really prolonging it tonight. If he doesn't
hurry up and get off already I'm going to fuck him myself.
Note to self: don't think about riding Eren's dick whilst trying to get rid of
a hard on. It will not help, only make it worse.
Screw this. If I have to suffer, he should too. I'm calling him out on it
tonight, I had enough. An exaggerated sigh covered his pitiable moaning. "You
seem to be having trouble tonight."
After recovering from a dry gasp, he screeched in my ear, "Y-You're awake?!"
With the way he jolted, I thought I spoke on cue with his climax, but I simply
frighted the kid half to death.
My hearing returned in time to hear a few muttered swears under his breath as
he retracted his limps that where previously clung around me. I didn't want to
break it to him that damage was already done.
"I've been awake for about thirty minutes, thanks to you."
"Why...Why didn't you say something?"
"I didn't want to disturb you, I guess. But now it's getting annoying. Hurry up
and finish already."
"I...I can't."
"No shit—you do it too often. You're going to sprain your wrist one of these
nights. Give it a rest for a while."
"Just go back to sleep and ignore me. I can't fall asleep without doing this
so... pretend I'm not here."
"You're just going to continue?"
Based on the shuffling beneath the blanket and the cut off sounds he made, it
became clear that yes, Eren was indeed set on continuing.
"You're a nasty pervert."
"Oh...yeah, I am." That husky purr shivered my whole body and went right down
to my hips. Oh my fucking God he really is just going to continue. I can't
believe this horny brat. Then again, this is Eren. What else could I expect
from him?
"Keep talking..."
I'm pissed off. And horny. And he's making the latter worse. This blows. Not
only is this awkward, but he intends to use what I say as jerking-material at
this point. So this is what my life has become.
"You told me to go back to bed—so shut up. And stop breathing on me." He's
panting enough to breeze the back of my hair. That hot breath rolled over the
nape of my neck, making me shudder. Flutters rushed through my whole body as I
listened to his ragged soughs.
Getting short of breath myself, I stretched out my collar with a finger. He
sounds so fucking hot and I couldn't help but to remind myself that this is how
he would sound during sex.
"Nng...Mmm."
I bit down on my knuckle, sealing my eyes tight but all that did was help me
picture what he was doing to himself clearer—his audio as guidance. Even biting
my lip to induce pain wasn't enough to pull me from those mental images.
It literally took every fiber of my being to stop my own hand from traveling
downward—my swollen cock is begging to be milked out right now, but I couldn't
scoop as low as him. Not that I'm the most prideful person when it comes to
sexual matters, but I didn't want to give him the satisfaction, even though he
earned it by getting me so hot-and-bothered without doing anything to me. For a
virgin like him, that was a mighty natural talent he possessed.
"Aah...I-I'm so close."
He's been close for about a half-hour total now. This needs to be done with
already. I can't take another second of it—I'll end up doing something I'll
regret, like fucking him until morning if this doesn't end now.
It's been a while—but it's time to practice my vocals. Let's see if I still
have it in me to act. I cleared my throat.
"Aaah... Eren, right there. Mmm... yeah...harder." Fade out and end scene. That
was quite the authentic performance, if I do say so myself. I deserve a round
of applause.
"Wha—?!" His body jolted enough to shake the whole bed. After flexing stiffly,
he quivered before another aftershock, "A-Ahaa!"
I rolled my eyes with a huff. Finally. At least that's over with. "I knew that
would work."
"Ha...haa..." His hot breath blew against me as he twitched behind me.
Swallowing like it was difficult, he managed to force out, "What...the hell was
that all about...?"
"That's the thanks I get? Psh. I'm never helping you get off again." At least
it worked. Might've been a little awkward if it hadn't. I should think these
things through.
"Wait. Were—Were you doing something to yourself too?" He sounded astonished,
but I shot down that idea fast.
"You wish." I really wasn't (only because I physically held my wrist so it
wouldn't wander down my pants). But just from aiding Eren's climax, I started
leaking from the tip. If only he saw how turned on I am. Thankfully the blanket
is covering my shame. "And don't flatter yourself, my old line of work taught
me out to fake it."
"Right...sure. That sounded a little too genuine to me."
"And who are you comparing to, virgin?"
". . . . . ."
Yeah, that's right. Shut up. As if he knows what genuine satisfaction sounds
like. That idiot wouldn't know the difference between a cheap hooker and a
courtesan.
"I'm just saying..." Starting from my elbow, his fingers walked up my bicep
playfully. "I think I turned you on a teeny-tiny bit."
To hide the fact that he was so painfully right, I switched topics entirely to
something irrelevant. I just need to yell at him right now. "I shouldn't even
let you speak right now. You're the one that was preaching about consent
earlier and yet you were practically molesting me in my sleep. Tch."
"...!?" A sharp utter cut off. "It's not like that! I never did that before—I
was just having some problems so I thought it would help."
I played mute. Of course I didn't actually care if he was touching me—actually,
I was jealous that I couldn't touch him back. And it's not like he went too
wild; he didn't let his hand roam anywhere inappropriate, but I wanted him to
so badly. Just the thought of him doing something like that made my shaft
twitch.
"I—really wanna hear you say more things like that." His tone swam close to my
ear as his fingers slipped under my arm. A ripple of vibrations ran down my
spine.
A wild look was awaiting me when I looked back at him. I was about to tell him
to go wash his sticky hands—but when I saw how dead serious he looked I
buttoned my lips.
"I know you said you're not ready yet—but there wouldn't be any harm in letting
me listen to you as you make yourself feel good...like you did with me just
now."
"Go to sleep. You're like a dog in heat. And for the record I was forced to
listen to you." Who knew a little virgin could be so kinky. I secretly loved
the idea of him listening to me as I pleasured myself—but I'm not that ballsy,
not this early in this confusing relationship, anyway.
But—the fact remains that I'm still extremely horny. I thought I'd deflate
after a while but it just won't go down, not even after twenty minutes of
failed attempts of trying to sleep.
I coiled my neck back to see Eren sleeping soundly. I cursed him and hoped he
had nightmares. Asshole, he's all taken care of and in dreamland right now and
I can't get to sleep because he got me all worked up.
I did a double-take on him, ensuring his unconsciousness before facing straight
again. Despite all my resistance, my hand still ended up slipping pass the
waistband of my pants. The moment my fingers brushed along that neglected
hardness, I moaned in relief into my fist. I closed my eyes, widened my mouth
and let my hand take over.
It's been a while since I've done this, so I can probably come fast if I keep
focused. The last time I remember doing this was in the bath after Eren decided
it was a good idea to wear his pants dangerously low enough to reveal his
happy-trail.
That was one of the images I focused on while my stroking sped up. I winced as
the pleasure slowly overran my whole body.
"Nnn..." Up until now I managed to keep my sounds breathy and unnoticeable, but
they were getting sharper the closer I got and I knew they'd only get louder.
In an effort to block my sounds, I bit down on the blanket—the moans were still
leaking out but at least they were repressed.
I breathed unevenly through my nose as images of Eren's tanned muscles came to
mind. I squirmed, toes curling and my mouth soon widened, the damp piece of
fabric dropping and unable to block my sounds—but at this point, I didn't care.
It felt too damn good to care.
"Ah. Fuck..." The electrifying shocks spreading throughout my body had me
trembling uncontrollably and my eyes rolled to the back of my head as I let an
utter loose into the pillow.
This experience is so much more exciting knowing Eren is there, so close behind
me, close enough to feel the lump of his cock against my ass. I was so caught
up in the sensations right now and I'm honestly surprised I didn't wake him up
and demand for him to ram himself into me right here and now—that was the final
thought that sent me off the edge.
Not wanting to halt the rhythm, I switched hands and reached for a tissue from
the nightstand when I felt my climax peeking.
I clenched my teeth tight, but the barrier broke in an instant.
"A-ah!"
If that one didn't wake Eren up, then he must be the deepest sleeper in
existence. It wasn't intentional (I rather get through this undisturbed) but I
honestly couldn't hold that one back.
A wave of tingles surged through me at an alarming rate and I caught the warm
creamy texture oozing from me with the tissue. I was left behind with pleasant
numbness possessing me. My body comfortably sunk deep into the mattress, pants
leaking out as I closed my eyes and slowly breathed through the remaining after
effects.
I balled up the tissue and limply tossed it toward the wastebasket...but it
bounce off the lip and onto the floor. "Gross..."
Not wanting to move, I stared at the dirty tissue on the floor, hoping it would
levitate and find its own way into the bin—that is until I was reeled in close
and jumped a mile when a pair of lips found their way to my ear. "Feel better
now?"
"...You're a dick, you know that?" There was not a sign of surprise in my tone.
I should have fucking known he was still awake, then again I assumed he'd pass
out after all that work—bastard got his way regardless. "You...You were awake
this whole time?"
"Yup, I was just pretending. I knew if I kept myself up long enough you'd do
it." He sounded so satiated with himself. If I wasn't so weak right now I'd
forcefully kick him out of the bed and make him sleep on the floor next to the
dirty tissue where he belonged.
"But...I'm sorry, I know you didn't want me to, but you can't really blame
me—you sounded so cute~ You have no idea how hard it was for me to stay quiet
through that."
"Just shut up already or else I'll make sure you're permanently quiet." I
didn't even need him close to me—I was creating my own heat on my own. I can't
say I'm embarrassed since he already embarrassed himself first—but I honestly
didn't know how I felt about this. If I wanted to be stealthy about it, I could
have just went to the bathroom, so maybe a part of me did want him to be apart
of that.
"One of these nights..." he broke off, "you should let me do it for you. Wh-
When you're ready, of course."
I didn't say a word. My thoughts were also quiet.
"Come on, tell me. Would you like that?" He peeked over my shoulder in search
of a reaction. "Y-You can do it to me too, if you want. I've...I've been
wanting you to touch me for so long." His words came out in a quiver, like it
took all his might to voice them. "Would you like to do that together one day,
Levi?"
He's not ever going to shut up unless I say something, but I hated answering
such a blunt question, but really, there was only one truthful answer I could
give.
"...Yeah. I would like that. Now go to bed and quit bugging me, pervert."
Pleased with my answer, he giggled bashfully and tied his arms around me,
nuzzling his forehead again my back.
I didn't let my libido get the best of me and that was a damn shock.
Well—resorting to jerking myself off wasn't apart of the plan and certainly
wasn't a good example of holding myself back...but still, I usually have no
restraint when it comes to these things, but my body physically refuses to get
into something too deep with Eren, even though I badly crave it. It can't be
because of his age. He's not a child anymore. There's
just... something stopping me from hopping into his lap and stealing his
virginity right now and I can't quite put my finger on it.
Sex is suppose to be fun and the least complicated thing in the world, but it
isn't with him. I couldn't even kiss him. Kiss. A fucking kiss. Who cares about
something so petty? I should have done it without thought, but I didn't. He
even offered some harmless fun together just now and we mutually agreed to
it—but I can't do that either.
We could've had sex tonight—no, we would have had sex tonight if I just said
the word. We were both horny and turning each other on and we wanted each
other. That much was obvious. There's something very wrong. It sucks. It sucks
he took my favorite pastime and made it complicated. He made everything
complicated, now that I think about it.
What is it—what is holding me back? Was Mikasa right, do I really have it bad
for him? Or am I secretly repulsed by him? It makes no fucking sense. I never
ran into an issue like this in my entire life. Eren sure loves handing out
first time experiences for me.
There's nothing more I want than to tell him to hump me until were both raw,
but I can't do it and it's driving me crazy. I can't even fuck other people
because of him. Every time I came close, Eren would pop in my mind and I
couldn't go through with it. This little brat is unintentionally cock-blocking
me. But to be fair, that also means he's cock-blocking himself.
The sooner I know what's going on with my emotions, the sooner I'll know why
I'm unable to move forward.
Eren and I really, really need to talk about us. Just us. And as much as it
pains me to admit, we need to talk about these feelings we hold for each other.
I'm not even sure if I'm holding anything at all, but surely if I talk about it
and I hear his side to it, then I won't be as confused about our situation;
that's all it is, confusion. I never been in this situation before, so in a way
my reaction is natural, I'm just not used to it. But once I figure it out,
we'll move forward—but as of right now I have no fucking idea what direction
we're headed in.
                                      ~x~
                                 ~Eren's_POV~
In a rhythmic beat, Mikasa tapped her fingernails against the table as she kept
her eyes glued to the clock on the wall. The reoccurring drumming had me
twitching in irritation. She sure was antsy tonight—that's rare for her. I'm
seated in front of her, bored and frustrated out of my mind because I have to
see that stupid play tonight with her. It's nice to see her excited, but I just
wished I shared her enthusiasm.
We still had quite a while until the midnight showing—so I passed the time by
flipping through the pamphlet. I read the summary, thinking I'd get more hyped
for the story if I did, but I still couldn't see why Mikasa was raving so much
about it.
"La... Bell it la b..ite..." I struggled to sound out the title. "The hell does
that mean?"
"Mm...I don't know?" Mikasa shrugged. "Just a dead language, I suppose."
"You mean La Belle et la bête."
We both blinked over at Levi, who was leaning against the counter with a tea
cup in hand—holding it in that typical unstable fashion. The perfect
pronunciation and foreign sounds his tongue created still lingered around us.
Our stares made him shrink (even more, if that's possible.)
"...What. It's French. It means The Beauty and the Beast."
"Hmph," I huffed, as if unimpressed—but that was only to hide the fact that I
thought he sounded incredibly sexy just now. The translation he gave seemed
simple, but the way his tongue formed pronunciations I could never recreated
made that single sentence sound way more passionate and exotic than it should
have.
"It's a good story. Give it a chance, Eren. Trust me, I already read the book."
"Don't spoil it." Mikasa squinted her eyes on him, her lips snarling
intimidatingly. For her to have the bravery to give Levi such a daunting look,
she must be really into this play—on an unhealthy level.
I flipped through the booklet again, not caring if I spoiled the whole damn
thing for myself. Maybe then the time will go by faster once I'm in the
theater. I kept myself busy as the room subtly rose with dispute.
"I won't give anything away, but there is this one scene where—"
"Shut up, Levi. I will slice you down if you speak another word."
And now Mikasa's threatening him. Isn't this a wonderful start to a shitty
night. For once I'm going to be smart and stay out of this. No matter who I
side with, I'll end up a dead man. But she's definitely taking this way too
seriously.
For a split moment, I could have swore that Levi frowned, like he wanted so
badly to finish his sentence. But he sent her a dirty look instead.
We're such a weird family.
"Anyway—we should get going." Mikasa decided on her own without confirmation
from me. She wrap her scarf around her and put on a jacket.
"Wait—it doesn't start until another three hours!" It's not like we had to wait
in line—we already had tickets. This is probably Mikasa being impatient once
again. That mode of hers will take a lot of getting used to. Hopefully it
disappears once this event is through.
"But by the time we grab something to eat and walk around it'll be time."
"I thought we were going out to eat after."
I looked over at Levi for some reason—expecting him to side with me, but his
attention laid on Mikasa. "I rather you guys head out earlier—it gets pretty
wild after midnight around here. I think it's better if you go straight home
after it's over."
I've been outvoted. I groaned, not wanting to move but I found my strength
somehow and let out my frustration by kicking the chair out from under me. I
met up with Mikasa at the door, and she readied her hand on the knob.
"We'll see ya' later, Levi."
"Put a jacket on."
"I'm not cold." I retorted back sharply.
"Put it on anyway."
I rolled my eyes so far that I was looking back at Mikasa by the time I was
through. Obediently, I reached over to get my coat off the hook. Instead of
putting it on, I swung it over my shoulder.
"Can we leave now?" I said with some spunk and Mikasa headed out the door
without Levi's final consent.
He waved me off. "Just remember what I said before: Come home straight after. I
swear if you brats make me search the city looking for you after I come home
from work I'll—"
"I get it already! We'll head straight home."
I set my foot forward, readying to catch up with Mikasa, but Levi still had
more to add, "And don't talk to anyone, don't leave the main square and—"
I slammed the door shut right on his words.
As if I can forget any of that. He already recited those rules at least three
times tonight. Hanji's right, he really is turning into a dad.
                                      ~x~
After some window shopping and wandering around the square we knew far too well
by now, Mikasa and I headed to the only decent restaurant in town for a bit to
eat. It wasn't filled with the typical delinquents and drunks that permanently
filled the streets around here; the owners seem to do a great job at keeping
the trash out.
This is why I was comfortable with Mikasa working here; any other place would
have dirtbags pinching her ass as she waited tables. The atmosphere in here is
very casual and most of the tables were filled with low-class miners and
merchants that likely didn't have wives at home to cook for them.
With a dim candle flickering between us, Mikasa and I were seated across from
each other in a secluded booth in the back, away from the noise at the counter
and the customers gruff chatter.
I had to admit, it felt kind of nice being out with Mikasa like this. The two
of us only really dwell around the house together and talk whenever we bump
into each other, but it's refreshing to be out of the house with her for a
change, just the two of us.
Still, a part of me wishes Levi could have tagged along with us. After all
these years of being together we were like an inseparable trio and it always
felt a little off when one of us were missing from the pack.
Mikasa was going over how much time we had to spare—which was a lot so I oughta
eat slow—or so I told myself. I kind of failed in doing so and cleared a plate
and already asked for seconds. Mikasa then informed me we'd probably not get
back until about two in the morning. I heaved back in my seat at this.
"Ugh. Is it really two hours long? What can some girl and dog talk about for
that long?"
It sucked that it was such a late showing as it is—but apparently Levi
originally tried to get tickets for an earlier viewing, but it was already sold
out and only seats for the last time slot of the night was available.
There wasn't much entertainment around here, aside from a few festivals once in
a while, so when a play was showing the residence tend to gobble up all the
tickets.
"It's a romance, there needs to be time for development and music numbers. Two
hours seems just about right."
"Oh, right. It's a romance." I pondered this for moment, scratching my chin. I
then whispered across the table, "Isn't that illegal?"
"The beast isn't really an animal or creature, he's just a human effected by a
curse. He turned into monster and the only way for him to become human again is
to find true love. Well, that's what I know from the summary—it seems a little
confusing, but I didn't want to ask Levi any questions. He'd spoil the whole
thing."
"Yeah, he does that." I remember being so pissed a few years ago when he caught
me reading Little Red Riding Hood and he decided to be a prick and give away
the ending because I didn't wash the dishes.
"He ruined Den Lille Havfrue for me. It was still a good book, really sad
ending though. Do you think there's really fish people in the ocean, Eren?"
I recalled reading the book myself. Luckily, I wasn't spoiled like Mikasa. I
reflected on the story before giving her an answer.
It was about a girl with a fishtail instead of legs who lived in the ocean. She
fell in love with a human prince and had her tail riven by a sea witch so she
could join him on land. Turns out the prince was a real asshole and ended up
marrying someone else—then the mermaid was left with an ultimatum: kill the
prince or die. She couldn't bring herself to kill the only person she ever
loved, so she turned into sea-foam and lost her soul. "Well, it's an old book
from before the Titans existed, so its gotta be true. All those stories give
insight about how the world used to be. Their race probably survived too, I
don't think Titans can swim."
"Hey, you're right... They lucked out. Unless there's mermaid Titans too."
Disturbed by the thought of something so vile living in something so beautiful,
I faked a laugh. "Let's hope not, that's a pretty terrifying idea." Though, as
something as big as the ocean, I wouldn't be surprised if there were huge,
hidden creatures beneath the water. In one way, I guess you can say it was good
we weren't near the sea.
Assaulted by hunger suddenly, our conversation ended and I focused on filling
my stomach. Mikasa took small, tentative bites and seemed to be entertained at
how sloppy I was eating. I wasn't around Levi, so I can get away with eating
like a pig for a change without getting chastised.
"So..." Mikasa dragged out after a long while. "How have things been with you
and Levi?"
I perked up and wiped my mouth on the napkin just from hearing the unexpected
name. Realizing how well he got me trained, I went back to stuffing my face
spitefully, talking with a mouthful, "What about him?"
She moved her eyes to one side, admiring the artwork on the wall as she pushed
her shoulders up. "Just speaking in general here." I gave her a crooked brow
when she glanced back at me for a second before taking her eyes off me again.
"I guess I'm just trying to ask if you two...spoke or anything."
I paused in my chewing, then swallowed after some thought. "Uh. Yeah. We talk
all the time, Mikasa."
She propped her hand under cheek, her eyes crossed as she watched the flame
dance between us. "Hmm. Never mind, then."
"...What?" I urged. Her and Levi were so alike sometimes—they often bring vague
topics up with a certain intention then dodge the specifics. Or maybe she
really was just trying to make small talk. "Why do you look so bummed out all
of a sudden? Feeling sick? I'll admit this food kinda sucks."
"It's not that."
"Then what?"
"You sure eat a lot for someone who hates the food."
"You didn't answer my question."
She huffed, her breath blowing her bangs and the candle; making it dance on the
wick.
Seeing that she wasn't going to speak, I did. "Listen, you know I can't catch
onto hints if you don't spell it out for me. If you got something to say, say
it."
"Like I said, I'm just wondering how you and Levi are doing, that's all."
I tried to stir up some flashbacks of the past few days. Levi and I haven't
been fighting; if we were, usually Mikasa would say something like this in an
attempt to get us back on speaking terms, but we gave no indication that we
weren't getting along. In fact, we've been getting along smoothly—better than
great. Just the other night proved that.
It still felt like a dream. Maybe it was. If I really didn't imagine it,
there's a good chance Levi didn't even remember anything due to his drunk
state. But even so, I think we did take a tiny step forward despite the fact I
have little-to-no evidence to prove that.
Maybe I should take my own advice. I got something to say, so I should say it.
"Since were on the topic of Levi... There is something I want to tell you, but
I couldn't really do it with him around." Mikasa and I are close, and she's
proved to be a great person for advice when I needed it—I shouldn't leave her
in the dark, even though I still feel like I'm in the dark myself. Who knows,
maybe she can make some sense out of all this mess.
I took a breath and Mikasa leaned toward me slightly, interested in what I had
to say. It was a little daunting to have her eyes directly on me when I was
about to get into an embarrassing subject.
"Remember how I told you that I...liked Levi?"
The blank expression previously dominating her vanished. Seemingly, her eyes
lit just a little brighter. "...Yeah, I do."
My face heat up, I set my folk down with a clink and looked upward. I folded my
hands together, covering my mouth. "Well, I think he might like me too."
"Duh." A quick response, if you can even call it that.
"...Huh?"
"You're so dense, Eren. Thank God were not actually related."
"What the hell?" My tempter skyrocketed and my palms slammed against the table,
rattling the silverware. "Why are you making fun of me right now? I'm trying to
tell you something important!"
I thought she was teasing, but the seriousness held on her face was enough to
tell me otherwise and helped me mild my mood.
"I know, believe me, I know. I've always known." There was a soft laugh in her
words.
"Wait... You knew he liked me?"
"I think anyone with common sense knew."
"Tsh. I can always rely on you." The bitter sarcasm came out dull. I readjusted
myself in my seat in preparation. "Anyway, there's more to it. Levi—He's taking
me on a date for my birthday."
She took a very long time to reply. "Are you serious?" With wide eyes, her
pitched rose higher than I heard in years. The bomb I dropped hit her harder
than I thought it would. "Where—Where is he taking you? And why didn't you tell
me sooner?"
"Like I said, I couldn't around him...and I don't know yet."
Noticing she was stiffly holding onto the table, she made an effort to relax
her hands and let in a short breath. "...Are you sure you didn't misunderstand?
You do take thing wrong sometimes. I don't want you getting your hopes up if he
doesn't see it as a date. Maybe he's just taking you out to celebrate."
"Believe me, I'm sure I heard right. It's a date. I didn't believe it myself at
first either, but I brought it up a few times since then, just to confirm that
were still on and he says yes. That's about all he says."
She rubbed her temple, like the new information she was retaining proved to be
too much to handle. "Who asked who?"
I slouched and scratched my head, elbow on the table. Now that she mentioned
it, I don't know who asked. It just sort of came up and it was just settled
without much discussion. "We sort of mutually agreed to it, I guess. I'm not
sure what this means, but then again I'm slow with this stuff." The fact that
Mikasa knew Levi liked me in some sort of way and I didn't catch on sooner was
clear evidence of that. All these years I wasted with my own assumptions. I
avoided Levi and the confession I gave him because I couldn't see him ever
returning my feelings in the slightest way. That's all thanks to my stupidity.
"I'm pretty sure it means you're going on a date with Levi because the guy
likes you. Nothing else to figure out."
"He's more complicated than that."
Before she could reply, she became distracted by the waiter that came over to
fill her tea. She gathered her words as she watched the steamed liquid pour
from the spout. "He's difficult, yes, but not really complicated to figure out,
I don't think. Unless he's insulting someone, he's not the type to be direct.
If you're expecting that you're probably not going to get it."
"Oh, I know. I wish he would, though." I was envious at her casual phrasing;
Levi is definitely complicated, unless I'm just not as sharp as her. To me,
Levi was this unorderly, ten-thousand piece puzzle of a detailed picture—and I
felt as though I only snapped the border pieces together, but I'm stumped on
figuring out the heart of the puzzle. Sometimes I feel like half of the pieces
are missing, and other times I feel like I'm half-way complete. But it's so
easy to scramble those pieces; enough to force me to start from scratch again.
Mikasa sipped on her tea leisurely as I wolfed down a gulp of water—my mouth
was getting dry from just talking about Levi.
"I mean, I think he likes me the same way I like him, but it's hard to figure
out for sure, you know? For one, he gives me all these mixed vibes. We actually
had this really close moment recently—and I'm sure we were about to kiss but he
backed out and seemed kind of mad."
Mikasa nearly choked on that tea at my phrasing. A napkin covered her mouth to
block the tea from spitting out across the table and onto my face. Maybe I
should make a note to warn her before dropping bombs.
I still remember how it felt, being so close to his face, feeling his hot
breath against my lips. It felt so surreal because I've seen scenes like that a
millions times in my head, but it felt so real at the same time. The way my
body felt in the moment was like nothing I ever felt before. All I had to do
was lift my chin slightly and our lips would have touched. Just the thought
sent shivers down my spine. My gaze casted down disappointed.
"Really, it was the most perfect moment too. I think he wanted to, but he said
he wasn't ready."
Recovering her posture, Mikasa tapped the napkin against her lips a final time
and set it down. "That doesn't mean he doesn't like you. It's as you said, he's
just not ready. You're probably rushing things and that's why you're getting
mixed vibes in return. Keep in mind that Levi might look like a little cranky
baby, but he's actually a mature adult. He probably wants to take it slow, but
you being an impatient kid you're moving too fast."
She's right, but I still couldn't see how I was putting Levi on the spot—but
then again, I had no way of knowing if I was unintentionally pressuring him.
This is all new to me.
There's probably a certain pattern you're suppose to follow while pursing
someone, but I obviously don't know the first step since I never had a lover
before. Levi probably knows the ins and outs of these situations—and maybe I'm
throwing him off his game by changing the rules.
"Just remember," Mikasa started, "Levi is a tough guy, but he could also be
really timid and sensitive at times. Just don't scare him off, okay?
I'm jealous she already knew that about him. I only learned recently how
sensitive he could be—and not just about his height, surprisingly. I always
knew he had a soft side to him, but that pensive look he gave when he was
saying we were going to abandon him some day—my heart ached. I just wanted to
hold him and never let go just to prove him wrong. He tried so hard to cover it
up and make it sound like him expressing his private worries wasn't a big deal,
but the idea of us leaving him sent him physical and emotional pain—and in
turn, I felt the same way for seeing him that way.
He tries to act independent, like everyone is a bother to him, but I think Levi
truly values the company of those around him. The anxiety he clearly displayed
was so obvious, like he secretly fears everyone he cares about doesn't feel the
same and could, any day, leave without ever returning. Levi tries to keep
distance from people, which is why it's so hard to warm up to him even after
all these years, but I think it's because he's so dependent on those around him
and his distance is his way of making sure he'll be able to stand even once
they're gone.
If only I can take such depressing ideas of out his head. He doesn't deserve
such a heavy, unneeded weight crushing him. I can't imagine how it feels—I know
how it feels to have people taken from me, but I don't fear that the people I
care about in the present will be ripped away from me; mainly because I know
me, and I know I wouldn't allow that to happen.
I understand that Levi had a lot of people taken away from him in the past.
With that in mind, it's safe to assume he has some abandonment issues of some
kind, but I don't know why he thinkxs we'd just pick up and leave and forget
all about him after everything we've been through.
Sure, as I get older we might not be able to spend as much time together, but
that's the sacrifice of growing up. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do
with my life—a part of me still wants to join the military. Levi must notice my
interest in it still. That could have caused those uneasy feelings of his in
the first place. But even if I did, I wouldn't abandon him. I'd spend every
free moment with him. The Survey Corps only goes out on missions when they have
enough funding and get a seal of approval from the higher-ups; that takes
months sometimes, from what I heard. Levi and I would spend my leave together.
At most I'd be gone a few weeks at a time for preparations and expeditions—but
I'd always come back home to him.
If Levi and I get serious, though, there's a chance I might push my ambitions
to the side. He'd hang me if he knew he was stopping me from doing something I
wanted—but it's for my own selfish reasons too.
Regardless if we ever get serious, I really believe that I won't ever like
someone as much as I like Levi. There's a good chance that I'd settle for
unrequited love rather than forcing myself with someone I have no feelings for.
He honestly has nothing to worry about. Even if I do join the military, or if
we never get in a relationship together, I already decided a long time ago that
I'm never leaving his side.
"The only advice I could give is to just wait for him to make the next move."
Mikasa woke me from my thoughts, "In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing
because you're obviously doing something right to get this far." She cupped my
hand on the table. I peered down to note how small her hand was compared to
mine and when I looked back up again she was smiling. "I'm very proud, Eren.
You're doing good. I'm sure this date will go great and he'll be yours in no
time."
"You're...happy about this. I can't say I'm surprised, but didn't really expect
that," I smiled, my eyes thin. "I'm glad though, having your approval means a
lot."
"As long as you're happy, I'm happy." She retracted her hand from mine after a
light squeeze, but her touch still remained. I feel loads better after talking
to her, but of course there were still other issues swimming in my mind.
"I'm so nervous about this date. I'm happy, of course. But I'm terrified."
"It'll be fine. Just try to be confident."
"Psh. I'm always confident." I lied proudly.
"I said confident, not cocky. Overall, just try to have fun and remember it's
just Levi." Like that is supposed to make me feel better? Knowing it's him
makes my anxiety spike more. "Just because he's taking you on a date doesn't
change anything between you. Just be yourself and everything will go smoothly."
I had butterflies fluttering in my stomach at the thought—this prep talk of
hers wasn't helping in the slightest, it's just making me more nervous. I can't
help but think I'm going to screw something up or embarrass myself. It feels as
though the future between us will be determined based on this date. It's only
natural for me to be worried. All I want is him, but if I mess up this
opportunity it might never come around again.
"Oh, and just be sure to wear a lot of deodorant and cologne, you'll definitely
be nervous and sweaty and you know how Levi is about body odor."
"I know that." I spat in annoyance. It's official, she's not helpful at all. "I
need tips, not common sense."
"What kind of tips? I'll try to help if you need to know something specific."
"You know, like..." I thought about it, and the first thing that came to mind
was intimacy. Not sex exactly, since a part of me thinks that won't happen for
a while so that concern could be kept to the side for now. But if the date goes
well there's a chance we might actually kiss. I wasn't nervous about it the
other night, mainly because I wasn't thinking and I just wanted to cheer Levi
up somehow. I thought kissing him would bolden my promise, but afterward I
realized I didn't even know what I was getting myself into. I wanted to so
badly, but once I had time to think about it I felt relieved that Levi stopped
me. "For starters, I don't actually have any idea how to kiss properly. I
probably would've made a fool out of myself and ruined the mood more than he
did it the other night."
"Hm. I never kissed anyone before either, so I can't really help you there. But
he knows you're new to all this stuff. Even if you suck at first I'm sure he'll
understand."
"Are we talking about the same Levi?" I chucked. "The Levi I know would make
fun of me and comment about how terrible I am."
With a grave expression, Mikasa's defensive mood was officially clicked on.
"Well if he wants to be that much of an asshole during your first kiss, then
tell him he's terrible at growing. At least you can practice kissing, he can't
practice getting taller."
I laughed harder than I intended to. "I might actually keep that quip for
future reference." My amusement faded as fast as it came. I sighed. I shouldn't
really be thinking about kissing right now; when the moment comes, I'll worry
about it then. I had more important things to ponder.
"I'm really curious about where he's going to take me though, the wait is
killing me."
"You guys really aren't going to do anything until your birthday? That's still
a long way from now."
"Tell me about it. It wouldn't be as bad if my birthday wasn't at the very end
of the month."
Mikasa lips cornered to one side thoughtfully, and I questioned what that look
was all about.
"I was just wondering why the two of you aren't doing anything tomorrow."
Tomorrow? Why would she be pondering why we aren't doing anything tomorrow of
all days? I decided against confusing my brain further and asked her straight
out, "What about it? Like I said, I don't think he wants to do anything until
my birthday."
"But... tomorrow is Valentine's day, isn't it?"
". . . . . ."
Valentine's day. I've never celebrated it, nor did I ever really understand the
point of it. I know it's a day where couples get all romantic and buy each
other stuff, but I always saw it as a scam—or at least, that's what Levi
muttered to himself for the last few years. He's not a fan of holidays though,
so there's a good chance my sources are wrong.
Until now, I thought Mikasa was following the whole situation between Levi and
I well, but something she failed to take into account was that Levi and
I weren't a couple, not yet, anyway. With any luck we might be by next year,
but there's no way of telling at this point.
"You should get him something."
"Wha—" I shook my head. "No. That's so lame."
"You're starting to sound like him now."
"Well I guess that means he'd think it's lame too."
"Hear me out. You know he has that secret sweet tooth he's always in denial
about. You might score some points with him if you get him chocolate."
"You're only suppose to give gifts to lovers, I think. But were not even dating
yet. Didn't you tell me not to scare him off?"
"It's just candy, not a marriage proposal."
I tightened my lip, a bead of sweat rolling down my cheek. This idea is
tempting, but it didn't make me feel very comfortable. It's not that I haven't
gotten gifts for Levi before—I always get him presents for his birthday or just
hand him stuff at random if I stumble upon something he might like, but giving
him a Valentine's gift would definitely be a first. It's not that I wouldn't
love to get him something, but it's the act of actually giving it to him and
his following reaction that terrifies me.
"It's settled then." Mikasa announced after growing impatient for my reply.
"Were buying him chocolate. We still have a lot of time to waste anyway, might
as well."
I was actually stupid enough to think I had a say in the matter, but by the
time we left the restaurant and Mikasa dragged me into the candy store a block
down, I realized she had her mind set and I had no power to stop her.
The shop was about to close, but the owner was nice enough to spare us five
minutes before locking up for the night. We didn't want to waste his time so we
rushed to the first bin we spotted in the front. Mikasa soon formed a pattern
that I caught onto. She would sort through the candy, examine the packaging
then toss it with a dismissive utter to the side to dig deeper. I stood beside
her with my hands in my pockets, watching her determination.
"Just grab any one and let's go."
She hushed me and continued, and that's when I realized she's searching for
something specific.
"They have to have at least one left." She groaned to herself, then yanked up
another from the bin. I expected her to toss it to the side like the rest, but
she eyed it like a winning prize.
"Here."
She passed it to me, but I made no attempt to grab it once I saw the shape it
was in. I made a face that Mikasa likely marked as childish. "No way. Any one
but that one." It shaped like a stupid heart. I can hear Levi making fun of me
already.
"It's the only brand with white chocolate and almonds though."
"And why does it have to be that kind...?"
"Seriously Eren?" She sighed irritatedly and flicked her bangs to the side.
Moving pass me, she smacked the bar against my chest and headed toward the
check out. I followed behind slowly, looking at the embarrassing thing I was
holding.
"If you like him, you need to start learning his favorites. And white chocolate
with almonds is one of this favorites."
"And how do you know this?" I was jealous, to be honest, but tried not to show
it in front of the shop owner.
"Well, he nearly chopped my hand off once when I found his hidden stash of it.
I ate some, because I thought they were for everyone but, yeah. He
just really likes this kind, let's leave it as that."
I couldn't help but smile at the image she created for me. Levi tries to act
like he doesn't care for sweets, but he's always the first to devour all
morsels of it in the house. I was surprised I haven't learned what his favorite
type of chocolate was sooner, usually I keep a close eye out for that stuff.
After paying for the candy, I stuffed it into my pocket and we headed out.
Thanks to Mikasa rushing out of the house too soon, we still had a lot of time
to kill. The time went by at a snail's pace and we had nothing to do but wait.
Most shops were closing down at this time, aside from the bars and clubs that
were just now opening for business. With that, I reminded myself that Levi was
in work now and I couldn't help but wish I was there spying on his routine like
I typically did every weekend. The thought alone, however, entertained me
enough and before I knew it, the show was starting.
                               ~Eren's_POV_End~
                                      ~x~
My routine utterly sucked tonight. I didn't reach my goal in tips like I hoped,
but there's always tomorrow to make up for it. Tonight, however, was a lost
cause. My mind's far too preoccupied with Eren and Mikasa right now. I hated
that they were out this late on their own—but I suppose I can only blame myself
for letting them go in the first place.
When I work other nights, at least I know their safe in bed in a calmer side of
town. The main square is filled with a rough crowd and the scene gets pretty
crazy around this hour. Every time a negative thought about them popped in my
head, I'd fuck up one of my spins or screw up my landing. I even had to cut my
show short just to regain my composure. I was hoping a smoke and few drinks
would dull my worries a bit—but it seems to be making them worse.
To my left, an order was placed by a customer at the far side of the bar. It
was common noise at first, going in one ear and at the other, but it turned
right back around and perked me up. Taking another puff of my cigarette, I
lifted myself up from the stool and hooked around the bar.
A suspicious individual was seated at the counter alone; hunched over a nursed
drink and drawing more attention than he likely intended. I stood behind him
for a long while, questioning what my eyes were showing me. I scowled.
"Take that stupid thing off your head. You look ridiculous." I went right up
behind this man and knocked his hat right off his head, his disguise plopped up
into the air and bounced behind the counter.
"Excuse you—" The man swiveled around to face me, his eyes framed by thick,
phony glasses. My eyes sharped in revolt. "Fucking seriously? Glasses too?"
"Levi...?!"
"Shut up, I don't want anyone to think I know someone as pathetic as you."
"What—What are you doing here?"
"What's it look like I'm doing here?" I expanded my arms, drawing attention to
my body. I didn't exactly like these circumstances, not one bit, but I couldn't
sit back and let him embarrass himself further.
He looked me up and down, inspecting my attire—or lack of, I should say. His
eyes bounced back at mine, looking at me with pure fright. To startle a
commanding officer like that must be worthy of some kind of reward.
"You...You work here." Erwin ripped his glasses off and tossed them at the
counter. Roughly, his ran his palm up his face and slicked back the side of his
hair. "Just my luck. I thought nobody would recognize me down here."
He thought this—and yet he still took extra precaution to disguise himself in a
gay gentlemen's club. Man, this guy is so deep in the closet it hurts.
Now that he had that idiotic disguise off, I didn't feel as embarrassed to be
acquainted with him, so I took a seat on the neighboring stool. I flicked my
long ash into the ashtray and studied him long as I took a drag. His eyes
watered and he soon blocked a cough that was caused by the smoke I exhaled.
"This is unbelievable. What are the odds of meeting you here."
"Nothing to be ashamed of. You're gay and you want to see some studs shake
their ass. No harm in that."
"It's—It's not like that. I'm not some kind of pervert, you know."
I tipped my head cynically. He realizes he's talking to me, the same person he
fucked for a year, right? I knew all his dirty kinks and I knew just how filthy
his mind could be. There was no fooling me. Then again, this is the same man
who thought he could fool everyone of his real identity by wearing a stupid hat
and glasses with no lenses.
"Then what are you doing here, hm? On a secret mission? Collecting Titan intel?
Sorry to break it to you, but these whores won't be able to help you with
that."
"I'm—" He took a long time to think of an excuse. Poor big bastard. "I have
some time off and I'm tired of the bars in Wall Sina, that's all."
"Then why didn't you go to an actual bar? There's five on this block alone."
". . . . . ." Nervously, he slurped down his liquor and avoided eye contact.
Better late than never, Erwin's true agenda finally hit me.
"...You're cruising, aren't you?" I leaned in close to inspect his reaction. He
tried not to give one, but failed miserably. He reminded me of a guilty child
who was finally being confronted about an expensive vase they broke. "You're
looking for some ass."
"Don't say that so loud."
"Erwin. Everyone in this room likes men. You don't have to play the straight
man here. Everyone here is looking for the same thing."
Shamefully, he hung his head. "It's humiliating to admit, but yes, that was my
intention when I walked in here." He shook his head, like he was disappointed.
He's way too hard on himself. There's nothing wrong with wanting to get laid.
Given his position, he could die any day and he should get as much ass as he
wants because there no guarantee he will again.
"I haven't...been with anyone since you and I were together—and I was fine with
that, but it's getting to the point it's effecting work."
I nodded, but not at what he was saying. I was nodded at the fact I decided to
help him on this little mission. "I'll help you find someone." He fluttered his
long lashes at me dumbly as I swiveled around, and he belatedly joined my
search. I scoped out some of the dancers on the floor who were currently
entertaining customers. Most of them were prostitutes to earn an extra income,
so pretty much everyone who worked here was up for grabs if you had the right
amount of money.
With my elbows propped up behind me on the counter, I glanced at Erwin, trying
to estimate who his eyes landed on. When I noticed who peeked his interest, I
shook my head.
"Stay away from him. He got the clap."
Horrified, he forced his eyes away in an instant, like just looking too long
would give him a disease. "...Thanks for the warning."
I pointed out a few guys I knew were clean, but Erwin kept curling his lip with
a toss of his head like a little picky brat. It was so much easier to sexually
please him when I was the one fucking him.
I moved my eyes to stage, the one performing was a favorite around here (well,
before I came. I accidentally stole his title). "What about him? A lot of
people like him but he's very expensive. I can bring him over to talk once he's
done, if you want."
"No thanks. He's not my type."
"Tch." I was starting to get irritated. If he wants to fuck to relieve stress,
then what does it matter what he sticks his dick in? "What is your type, then?"
Snickering, he allowed his eyes to drop and prowl all over my body before
answering, "I like petite guys."
"Go fuck yourself."
"If I wasn't so bored with doing that I wouldn't be here right now." With a
smirk, he took a sip of his drink. I secretly hoped he choked on it.
But unfortunately he didn't. The bottom of the glass set down hard on the
counter and he leaned over to me, leering suggestively. "So, what about you?
You pointed to nearly everyone here but yourself."
With no where to run, I settled for closing my eyes when I saw his hand coming
near my face, and sealed them tighter as his thumb brushes along my cheek. The
tempting touch sent a tingle through my body and I allowed myself to greedily
enjoy the sensation a second more before hesitantly pushing his hand aside. It
was harder than it looked to do that. But at the same time it came natural with
little thought involved.
I leaned back, making space between us. There was apprehension in my tone, "I'm
just a display, not for sale."
"Saw that coming. Can't blame me for asking."
"...Sorry."
"No, I'm sorry." He focused his eyes down and made random shapes in the
condensation on his glass. "I keep breaking your rules."
The atmosphere suddenly changed. And my mood changed with it. "There's no
rules, I just can't let myself become involved with you that way anymore. I
know, it's stupid and I ruined a good thing we had with my own weird emotions."
"You didn't ruin anything, Levi. We're still friends and I'm glad I could still
say that. The sex was just a bonus."
"Just a bonus? Damn, hate to break it to you but that made up the whole
relationship for me. I wouldn't have tolerated you without that magical dick of
yours."
He blinked over at me like a big dumb ox. "It's...it's magical?"
"Yes. Very magical."
His serious face finally cracked and he loosened up. "But what about now? Even
all these years later you still hang out with me. Doesn't that prove were good
friends and sex didn't hold up the foundation of our relationship?"
"Tch, no. It just means your creepy personality somehow clung to me and I got
used to you. And just because I'm unable to touch you doesn't mean you aren't a
pleasure to look at." I looked away from the stupid expression he made and
stole a sip from his glass.
"I'm not really sure how I should feel about any of that...I think it was a
compliment so thanks?"
He entered his own private thoughts for a while, and when he spoke he hit me
with something I was unprepared for, "Just for the record, it was never
anything against you. I know we skimmed through this subject in the past, but I
just want to make it clear now. I just found it unfair to involve myself
seriously with anyone when I have no guarantee of living very long. Next time I
leave for a mission there's a high possibility I won't return. I felt that
you've been through a lot and lost enough of people. You deserved someone more
stable. Plus... there's the issues I have with accepting myself. I never wanted
to hide you because I was ashamed of you, I had to do it to hide myself."
It's soothing speeches like that that made me start having feelings for him in
the first place. I'm still not sure how I felt about Erwin back then, or even
now, but I knew there was something more to the relationship than sex. His
personality bugged me to no end, but at the same time it comforted me because I
knew he wouldn't be the one to betray me. Even after all these years he hasn't.
We still hung out and he makes an effort to visit. He doesn't have to, but he
does despite the fact he'll get nothing in return, not even sex.
There was a brief moment where I felt something very special for Erwin, I
think. Almost like I could see myself with him. But when I realized he didn't
want the same in return—to say the least, I was upset. That's the first time
something like that ever happened. I never let myself get attached that deep
before, especially over something so simple like casual sex. I was like a
stupid guppy that took the bait and he managed catch me on a hook, but I was
thrown back into the water just as fast. But I still had a little taste of a
new world; a part of me was terrified of it because it could hurt me, but
another part of me wanted to explore it more.
I can't hate Erwin for how it turned out, though. I understand his reasons—he
has very valid points for not getting serious with me, and in a way I wasn't
ever ready to be serious with him either. It wouldn't be fair for either of us.
In the long run it was for the best.
"You always ruin the mood. I'm trying to get you laid, remember?" I broke off
my thoughts with the casual remark, and Erwin smirked, knowing that was his cue
to drop the topic. Unlike Eren, he didn't pester and keep picking at wounds I
wanted to seal—but I (sometimes) like that about him. Many people give up, but
Eren never does.
Before I let my thoughts be submerged by Eren and the reminder that him and
Mikasa weren't safe at home, I distracted myself by skimming over the club
again, looking for someone suitable to Erwin's taste—but I already pointed out
every employee here. This reminded me of something.
"There used to be more to pick from. But it's gotten quieter since a lot of the
dancers went missing."
"I've actually heard there's been a lot of recent kidnapping down here lately.
Do you think that relates to their disappearance?"
I nodded sternly. "Definitely. I knew a lot of the people that went missing and
they weren't the types to just pick up and take off without a word. At first I
thought that was the case, but once so many of them stopped showing up I
started suspecting there was something more sinister going on."
"That's something to be concerned about." Erwin added after a while of
pondering. "With the lack of Military Police down here, it won't surprise me if
the situation gets worse. I didn't know it was that serious, though. They make
light of it in Wall Sina."
Of course they do. Those pigs up there like to pretend this place doesn't
exist. They just send all their troubles down here, including the derelicts on
the run that like to stir trouble up. As long as it's not harming the surface
and their standings, they rather see the residence down here run a muck and be
out of their hands.
After all, tax dollars are better spent on paying MP's to sit on their asses
and drink than send a few down here to parole—but, it's a blessing that the
system worked like that. Me and the kids wouldn't had lived an undisturbed life
all these years if they kept sticking their noses down here.
"It's definitely becoming serious, though. According to the papers, six women
have been kidnapped, four of which were from that playhouse down the street and
five men in total have disappeared from here. It's usually very quiet in the
underground aside from some muggers and drug dealers, but usually innocents
don't get involved in this garbage. It's strange to say the least."
Erwin tossed his head aside, a grave expression appearing. "Please try to stay
safe. And that goes for the kids too."
l never really thought about how serious this is until just now, though
I should have since I've been through this situation before. I'm not just
irresponsible, though. My thoughts have been clouded with a certain hot-
tempered someone lately and I haven't thought about how dire this situation is.
Actually, that just proves I'm irresponsible. I groaned at myself.
Mikasa always walks home alone pretty late from work; that's really not a
routine that should persist. I made a mental note and decided it would be safer
if I meet her, just to make sure she gets back safe from now on. But for the
record, Mikasa's probably strong enough to handle some pervert harassing her,
but better safe than sorry.
"What time do you get off?" Erwin asked out of the blue. I didn't even know
what time it was for starters, but given the fact I didn't plan on making a
final routine, I'm technically off the clock. "I'm already off, I'm just
drinking. Why?"
"You should let me walk you home, just to be safe."
Don't tell me he's actually worried about me getting kidnapped. The kids, yeah.
They're easy bait. But anyone who's stupid enough to try and kidnap me deserves
the punishment I would serve them. I puffed on my cigarette, he coughed again
as I replied, "Thanks officer friendly but I can handle myself. Besides, don't
you wanna pick someone up here? Put your personal preferences off to the side
for a night and get it over with. Just close your eyes and imagine you're
fucking some tiny slut."
"About that...I changed my mind. I don't think I feel comfortable with going
through with something like that. I thought I was but it just doesn't seem like
the right way to go about it."
"Ugh. You're such a goody-goody. I hope you're not this polite on the field."
"I'm much more ruthless when it comes to preying on Titan's—people, not so
much." He smiled, then insisted, "So are you going to let me walk you home or
am I going to wait until you leave and follow you?"
"You're creepy, you know that?"
"I've been told." With that, it was decided that it was time to take my leave.
I went into the back room and got some decent clothes on and met up with Erwin
at the entrance. We departed together and walked side-by-side, making small
talk on the way back to my place.
At one point we landed on a personal topic and it kept escalating. Erwin
questioned me if I ever planned to settle down with someone. That question went
through me like a speeding bullet. I didn't know how to react to such a sudden
question. When I didn't answer, he went on to say, "Or maybe you're already
with someone. Could this be another reason you're keeping distance from me?"
I looked up at him with no thought, fearing he was reading my mind somehow
because he always touched a little too close to home with his theories.
"I'll take that as a yes." There was some added pep to his gait.
"I didn't say shit. You're assuming things."
"No, I'm just good at reading people. I don't need to be told the answer to
know what it is. You just seem different from the last time I saw you—I merely
guessed that you were seeing someone on a whim and your reaction gave me my
answer."
I'm too drunk for his stupid riddles right now.
I didn't really want to get into it with him. My relationship with Erwin isn't
as loose as it is with Hanji. For now, I had to bite my tongue on the details,
not that I was really holding much back.
If I started running my mouth too much, I'd probably end up jinxing it anyway.
"It's not what you might think. There's someone I've known for a while and I
want to try something new with them, but we aren't together or anything. That's
all there is to it."
A playful hum vibrated in Erwin's throat. I glanced away from the glistening
look in his eyes with aggravation. I focused on my feet moving along the
pavement. "The fuck you smiling about?" I mumbled into my flap of my coat.
"You're usually very blunt and you're never afraid to tell me how it is while
looking me straight in the eye—but look at you now. I barely recognize you."
"Maybe you'll recognize me if I bash your head in a few times."
"I'm not teasing, Levi." Daringly, I gazed up at him again. His face
straightened out forcefully. "I'm relieved to see you like this."
First Hanji, now him. There's an annoying pattern going on here and it needs to
end. Both said I look different, like no way they've seen me before when I'm
referring to Eren. What the fuck is wrong with my face? It must look hideous.
This has been something I've noticed lately. Each day I have less control over
it. I lose control over the strained muscles holding up my bland expression and
I'll catch myself smirking at thin air. Sometimes my hands start sweating and I
can't even think, or the words simply come out in the wrong order.
Worst of all, I can't stop thinking about that fucking kid.
Eren, Eren, Eren, Eren, Eren, EREN.
Thoughts of him is all that occupies my mind lately. It's driving me fucking
nuts. This has to be some kind of disorder—I've always been the obsessive type.
No matter how much I try to avoid getting in this same old rut, I do time and
time again. I can't just like something recreationally. This is why it's
intimidating to get close to people; when I do, I don't know how to let go.
The irrational fears of losing Eren and Mikasa were natural all these years. I
knew how it felt to lose them once. The awful dread and helplessness that
invaded me when I thought I'd never see them again was something I never wanted
to live though again and I let that fear become a part of me. I even went as
far as accepting that attachment to them—it strengthened me in a way, because I
felt that I could always protect them if my reasons were potent enough.
But this fixation toward Eren became much more fierce as time went on. The past
week alone proved my mind is incapable of straying too far from him. What's
most surprising is it's not even all negative thoughts—I still have my
anxieties about the current situation between us, but half the time my mind
just directs me to pointless images of him, or meaningless words he spoke days
before—whatever it may be about, it's always about him and him only.
We live in the same house, share our meals together—we even sleep in the same
damn bed. Sleep can't even separate us from each other anymore because I can
still feel his warmth in my dreams. You'd think I can spare five fucking
seconds away from him and let my mind wonder about something else, but I can't
even escape him in my own head.
Even when I try to reflect on the day ahead, like chores or errands I need to
take care of, my mind does a complete U-Turn and flies right back to Eren, like
a stupid moth returning to the same flame over and over again despite the
damage it's causing it.
The harder I try to fool myself into keeping my mind busy, the closer he gets.
No matter what's on my mind, he's always sitting in the back, waiting to knock
down all the barriers I set up and stand in the front lines, waving to get my
attention.
It's getting out of control. His name echo's in my head so much and I'm
actually getting sick of the way it sounds—but for some unexplained reason my
heart will skip when I say it out loud. It's fucking gross and I don't know
what's happening to me.
I even told Hanji the other night that I'm actually concerned for the way my
body has been acting up lately and considered seeing a doctor—and you know what
that shitty-glasses diagnosed me with? Lovesickness.
Love-fucking-sickness.
It was at that point I confiscated her booze and told her to scram. As if I'm
going to take advice from a mortician's daughter that gets off on Titan's. Come
to think of it, Titan's and their non-existent dicks probably know more about
love and relationships more than her.
By the time we made it to the stoop of my house, Erwin was already off the
topic, even though I never stopped thinking about it ever since it came up.
That probably explained why I couldn't even remember half of the trip home. I
readied my keys and unlocked the door. I was about to say a simple good night
and head inside, but Erwin said something that made me turn around and grimace.
"Do you need any money?"
"What are you, my sugar daddy now? No, I don't."
He rolled his eyes at me, breathing like he was bothered. "I know you're all
independent but you also have two kids. Kids are expensive and I like to
contributed when I can."
"Like I said, I'm fine." In reality, I was kind of short because I barely made
anything tonight, but I had other ways of getting money without being direct
about it.
Erwin insisted by reaching into his back pocket—I eyed his actions carefully.
Soon enough (as expected) he started checking his other pocket and patted
himself down after rechecking his coat pouches.
"Shit. I think I left my wallet at the bar."
Bite your lip, Levi. Don't let this dumbass give you away. I repeated that to
myself a few times for good measure and let out a casual reply, "You're getting
forgetful in your old age."
He presented me with a peeved look, then turned his heel. "I'll be back, I
probably just left it on the counter."
I simply nodded and closed the door. I leaned my back against it, rifled
through my pockets and pulled out his wallet. I took what I believed was a fair
rate for putting up with him tonight.
Like I said, I have ways of making money without being direct about it.
I opened the door back up and called out to Erwin, who didn't get very far from
the house. I waved his wallet in the air to get his attention.
"I forgot I grabbed it for you."
He blinked at me like I just performed a magic trick. "Thanks—you saved me a
lot of trouble. Now, please let me give you something."
Poor dumb Erwin. If only he knew I already helped myself and his kindness was
already taken advantage of.
He split the wallet open, closed it, then opened it again, as if that would
magically make money appear.
"Wha—I could of swore I brought more money with me tonight. There's no way I
went through three-hundred dollars just drinking..."
"I don't know about that, you were ordering some expensive girly drinks—you
probably over tipped a dancer too. You're too drunk to remember."
"Really?" He huffed out, bewilderment mixing up his handsome features."You
know, this happened so many times now. I'm starting to think I'm being robbed
by one of the criminals down here."
I shrugged, agreeing. Thank God I'm talented at keeping my face straight,
anyone else would've cracked by this point. "You never know. Some thugs will
just slip your wallet right out of your pocket and put it back before you even
notice."
"Yeah... Maybe I'll stay away from drinking for a while. Anyway—looks like I'm
forced to put a raincheck on my offer."
"Nah, don't worry about it. I made plenty of money tonight."
After scratching his head a few times, he returned his empty wallet to his
pocket and said his goodbyes, telling me we need to hang out more often.
Hanging out with him is very profitable, so of course I agreed. At least I made
up my loses tonight.
"Well, take care."
"You too." Once closing the door, I uttered a quick "dumbass" that had been
stored in my throat.
Tiredness caught up with me as I took off my jacket and hung it up on the hook.
Noticing the house seemed unlively, I figured I got back before the brats. To
be sure, I called out for Eren and Mikasa, but got no response. I guess they're
not back yet.
I always felt uneasy when they went out without me; the vibe the empty house
gave off left me with a miserable sensation—this feeling has been sticking with
me ever since they left.
After they were kidnapped all those years ago, I felt something bad was going
to happen to them if I didn't keep a constant eye on them. As they got older I
tried to give them freedom but in the back of my mind I'm always hoping for
their safe return.
It was a pretty late showing, so they might be heading back now. I'll give them
time, but if they're not back in another hour I'll just have to go look for
them—but they're going to wish they were kidnapped if they make me search the
streets for them.
As I waited, I made some tea to calm my nerves as I kept a strict gaze on the
clock. Stupid Erwin. As if I wasn't worried enough about them as it was, but
it's his fault I reminded myself of all those kidnappings lately. I couldn't
even keep my tea down once that thought popped in my head.
Just as I was about to set my cup down and put my coat back on, I heard
familiar voices leaking in through the other side of the door. My nerves
dispensed with a deep breath. Thank God.
The moment they walked in, the house was lively again—just how I liked it. All
this time, sitting here waiting was deafeningly quiet. Even Eren's loud,
obnoxious mouth was music to my ears right now. They seemed to have brought a
conversation in with them, but once it grew quiet I asked, "How was the show?"
"It was great. Eren hasn't shut up about it once since we left. And to think he
complained the entire day, dreading to see it."
"It wasn't bad. That's all I'm saying." It looked as though he had more to say
than that. Mikasa probably received an ear full the whole way home. I know how
much Eren could ramble on when he's excited about something. "And I'll admit
some of the songs were really catchy."
"Well, it's good to see you enjoyed yourselves."
"Yeah, I wish you could have came though." Eren pulled out a chair and sat
across from me. After a long yawn and a stretch he asked, "So how was work?"
"Same old. Well, actually I bumped into Erwin there."
Eren heaved his head back at this, I couldn't have anticipated the face he
made. I tried to ignore it as Mikasa went on to say it was nice I ran into him,
but Eren wasn't on the same page as her at all and I soon found out why.
"Wait. What the hell was Erwin doing in a strip club?" Eren laughed back at
Mikasa, expecting her to laugh along with him but she just remained blank-
faced. He turned his laugh to me—but his face straighten up in a deadly
instant. He slaps a hand over his mouth with bulging eyes. I whirled around the
table and grabbed him up and out of his seat by the collar.
"You little bastard. You followed me again?" He winced and tried to speak, but
I was too satisfied with his suffering to allow him to make pathetic excuses.
"Levi!" Mikasa hollered, and that was the only thing that saved Eren from being
strangled. I loosened my hold, but my grudge still remained. "This is
unforgivable, Yeager."
He rubbed his neck as he sank back into the chair. "What are you getting so
upset about? I thought you were a bartender..."
I tilted my head back at him. Then realized I might have jumped the gun. Shit.
"Well, yeah...I am. I just serve drinks there, that's it."
"Really now. Hm. Wonder why you got so upset about it then. If I didn't know
any better, I'd say you were stripper."
This asshole is playing games. He fucking knows and he's trying to fuck with my
head further. I don't know why I was hiding it in the first place.
Oh, that's right. I was sick of his stripper jokes.
"Eren—" My deadly glare on him diminished with a sigh. He's lucky I'm too tired
to kick his ass. I wanted to attack him right now and teach him not to be a
little shit with physical punishment, but I didn't have the strength, plus with
Mikasa here I wouldn't get away with it. "Just—go in the trash where you
belong."
I straightened myself out and sat back down. That brat could never keep
anything nice. Just when the setting felt normal for a change he goes and
pushes the wrong buttons on me.
"What exactly is a stripper?" Mikasa questioned. "I know that's what you do for
a living but I have no idea what it is."
Eren readied his big mouth with a breath, but I spoke up in time before he had
the chance to interfere. "It's..." How the fuck do I explain this? "It's
someone who—sort of—performs for money. That's all, right Eren?" I sent him a
lethal glance, and he nodded his head obediently.
An unexpected gasped later, Mikasa's eyes lit up and enthusiasm filled her dull
tone. "So you're like a show performer? Like the people in the play?"
"Uh... not exactly."
Eren looked like he was about to burst. There's obviously a hidden laugh
suffocating in this throat—his face was so red and was about to pop. As his
eyes watered, he smacked a hand on table and tried not to unleash the blast of
obnoxious laughter.
I clenched my teeth on him. And to think he has the nerve to say my sense of
humor is awful. Soon enough, Mikasa's soft voice pulled my eyes away from him.
"Do you think I see one of your shows, Levi? I would love to see your
performance."
Finally erupting, Eren's head flung back and a wave of roaring laughter filled
the room. He clapped his hands together as tears streamed down his cheeks. "I
can't breathe!"
"Good. Die."
I held my head. I take it back, I rather the house quiet and empty. It was much
more peaceful before. Why was I worried about these stupid brats anyway? Once I
made it clear that this topic was strictly forbidden to speak about, Mikasa
grew bored and showed herself to her room, leaving Eren and I alone. I kept
sending him dirty looks as I finished my tea.
"Oh come on, stop being mad. It was funny." A few remaining giggles remained in
his words. He glanced over to the clock on the wall but my hard glare on him
never swayed. "It's a little too early for this, but it's technically the next
day, so..." After digging through his pocket, he flung something on the table.
"Here—I got this for you, so cheer up."
Peeking over my mug, I curled my nose at the colorful heart suddenly decorating
the table. "What's this?"
"It's—It's for Valentine's day." Eren kept looking back and forth between the
table and me, like he was compulsively checking for my reaction, but I didn't
give him one. He tensed up and tried to explain himself. "It was Mikasa idea. I
know it's corny, but I thought picking you up something sweet wouldn't be a
terrible idea."
Silently, I set down my cup and picked up the candy. Indeed, it was very corny.
I hated the look of it—but it was my favorite kind. I sighed and set it back
down. Eren curiously watched me as I lifted myself from the chair, dug through
one of the kitchen draws and threw him a bar of chocolate that was previously
hidden away. He tried to catch it in his hands, but he ended up picking it up
from his lap.
"You...You got this for me?"
"No. I got it for myself." I sat back down and didn't bother looking at his
stupid expression.
"...Are you being sarcastic?"
"No. I deliberately bought it for myself so I could eat it myself, but I like
the kind you got more. It was out when I went to the store."
Maybe the way I was putting it didn't sound very romantic like it should be—I'm
basically saying I see it as an exchange and not a gift. Still, I appreciate
the thought.
Regardless, Eren still seemed pleased with this, and a genuine smile plastered
across his face. But of course, Eren could keep anything nice. "You're kind of
pathetic for getting a Valentine gift for yourself."
"And you're pathetic for actually buying me a Valentine gift. We're even."
This will backfire later when I wake up with a stomach ache, but I decided to
eat the chocolate before bed, and Eren did as well. During this, Eren went into
details about the play and I pointed out the changes they made from the
original book. Before I knew it I already ate the whole heart-shaped bar of
chocolate. Feeling unsatisfied, I started snapping off pieces from his.
"Uh..." He gave me a displeased look as he watched me help myself.
"What, I bought it. I can have some." He only ate a few blocks of it so far, he
probably won't be able to finish it anyway.
"That's not how Valentine's gifts work bit okay."
After indulging on a second row incessantly, Eren decided to just slid the rest
of the chocolate my way, making it easier for me to reach. Maybe he thought I
was distracted and this was his chance to bring a thought to life, "You know,
my birthday is still quite a long way from now."
"A month and a half isn't that far away."
"It is for me."
Ugh, no. Not that pouty look. I don't have the patience right now and I really
didn't want to get into this because I knew where this conversation was headed.
I'd end up telling him he's lucky I'm even taking him out in the first
place—which would surely start an argument of some kind. I just want to eat and
go to bed without any more drama stirring tonight. Wearing a blank expression,
I handled the situation the best way I could and by shoving large pieces of
chocolate passed his lips to block any more nonsense from coming out of that
big mouth.
"What, you trying to be romantic and hand feed me?" He nearly choked on his
last word, and I'm sure that answered his question but I made myself clear
anyway.
"I'm trying to get you to shut up."
He started swatting his arms around like he was being attacked by a swarm of
bees. "S-Sto—p shovin' them all n' muh mouff—!"
After painfully swallowing without chewing properly, he wiped his chocolate-
covered mouth on the back of his hand, but all that did was smear it across his
face.
"Now you have it all over you face."
"Ah... it's all over my hands too." He held up his palms, just realizing now
how filthy they were. The candy must have melted while he held it. His body
temperature is abnormally hot, I should have seen that coming.
I rolled my eyes. I can't even enjoy myself for two seconds—now I know how
mothers with messy children feel. It's like I'm taking care of a five year old
sometimes. Fed up with looking at this pig, I got up and rung out a rag and
handed it to him. While he focused on wiping off his hands, I idled beside him,
watching. After a moment of little thought, I leaned down and rested a hand on
his shoulder. Before he could react, my tongue had slipped from my mouth and
the wetness cleansed the chocolate clear from his cheek.
I pulled myself away without a word, and sat back down across from him, sipping
at my tea. He stared across from me, eyes wide and blinking in shock.
"Did you just—?!"
"—Lick you? Yeah. It just seemed like a waste"
"You—" His fingers lightly lingered over the dampness left on his cheek, like
he was disbelieving the new sensations overpowering that patch of skin. "You
either like chocolate way too much or you're starting to really like me."
"Have fun pondering which is true."
Maybe now that impatience of his will die down. What I just did will surely
hold us both over until his birthday.
Chapter End Notes
     The date is coming up in the next chapter. SURPRISE! What, you
     thought I was going to wait out a month and a half? Fufu you're
     confusing me with someone with self control. I'M VERY EXCITED! I know
     these few past chapters have been a bit slow development-wise, but I
     hope I could make it up to everyone with the next one. Prepare
     yourselves for a lot of feels. :3
     Also! I foreshadowed it a bit in this chapter, but there's going to
     be a little side plot in this arc (once Eren and Levi get their shit
     together a bit) and there will be two more familiar characters
     popping in soon~
***** Free *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren has been looking forward to his date with Levi for months—but
     not in a thousand years could he had foreseen this outcome. During
     their tryst, Levi reaches a boiling point and soon the crippling
     restraints holding him back crumbles, leaving him free to pursue his
     desires.
Chapter Notes
     Here it is, guys: The Big Event! I think I mentioned before that the
     date would be in Eren's POV, but change of plans. This chapter and
     the next will switch back and forth a bit. Sorry for the whiplash.
     n_n; Hope you guys enjoy this!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                                _~Eren's_POV~_
My heart was thumping madly and I couldn't keep my hands still even if I
tried—and I have, many times. This proved to be a problem while I washed the
dishes. The simple task of keeping the sponge from slipping from my grasp
became nearly impossible, but I was too deep in a fog to notice my stagnation.
There was a slight delay in every motion, every thought in my mind. Even when I
heard the distant echo of Levi's words directed at me from behind it didn't
penetrate until my sharpened name was called.
"Eren."
I dropped what I was doing and spun around, my arms shielded in front of me as
I faced the man below my gaze. His arms were folded against his chest and his
weight shifted to one side fussily. I scrambled for something to say.
"I'm sorry, what were saying? I'm a little spaced out."
"I've noticed. You've been cleaning that same plate for ten minutes now."
Disbelieving him, I checked back to the sink and saw it was still cluttered
even after all this time standing there. I turned back to him ruefully.
"Sorry..."
"I'm used to it." Levi rolled up his sleeves and brushed me aside. I
sidestepped and allowed him to steal my place at the sink. "You always do a
shitty job so someone else will pick up the slack. I don't even know why I
bother giving you chores anymore."
"It's not like I do that on purpose." My knees caved in; for no reason given
that I didn't do anything too strenuous today. I caught my balance on the back
of the chair. Once I sat, my eyes lingered on Levi's back for a while as he
scrubbed thoroughly, but soon my gaze fell into my cupped hands resting on the
table.
All audio in the space was taken up by the constant stream of water coming from
the sink and dishes rattling. Steadily, I breathed in through my nose in an
effort to calm down. I wished I could say something—but I didn't have anything
to say. Not to Levi, not anyone, really. The thoughts that occupied my mind
were my own and I'm responsible for dealing with them—that is, until Levi
pressed his back against the counter, eyes affixed on me as he wiped his wet
hands on a rag.
"Spit it out."
I just gave him a look; one dense enough to earn a bothered sigh and a roll of
the neck from him. "Something is wrong. Tell me what it is."
"Nothing's wrong." I said, and it was the truth as far as I knew. The past
month and a half has went by smoothly. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.
The weeks went by agonizingly slow up until the past week, which went by in a
flash. This left me rather disorientated when I realized how the time flew.
Despite waking up early, I did rest well last night. I can't blame my current
mood on lack of sleep. Levi was in cleaning mode as usual and I've been tending
to the house chores with him since morning, but that wasn't bothering me
either. It was ordinary routine, after all. Just like its always been.
I reminded myself of this—that nothing changed—and yet here I am, feeling the
way I do now. I feel different, like something happened or like something
was about to and my body was naturally preparing itself ahead of time for a
disaster, or a big change. Whether you're about to attend a funeral or a
wedding the feeling is still the same. Those unsettling butterflies in your pit
of your stomach that flutter around right before something happens, good or
bad. That's what I'm feeling right now.
"Are you feeling sick?" Levi looked stumped, his squinting eyes held many
questions like he was internally trying to figure me out on his own accord
since I gave no signs of filling him in. "You didn't eat much today. Did you
catch a stomach virus or something?"
For the first time today, my lips forced upwards; a distant look in my eyes.
It's not nice of me to make him worry for no reason. I could at least assure
him that I'm fine until I do figure out what's wrong. "I'm not sick, I don't
think." I clutched my folded hands together tighter. "My stomach has been
really jumpy today, though." I figured I wouldn't be able to hold much down
with my stomach in the condition its been in, so I didn't try to force myself
to eat much. This must have rose a flag. I'm not one to normally pass up meals.
Levi's lips pressed together. He looked passed me as he spoke. "If you want to
lay down, go ahead. You helped me out enough today."
"No—I'm not tired." But laying down and shutting my mind off for a while did
sound tempting. My head was pulsing tightly against my skull. I couldn't figure
out what caused the headache. It's been a peaceful day. Just like everyday
these past few weeks.
In an instant, his eyes flicked over to the chair beside me. His movements were
faster than I could detect and before I knew it he was seated, looking straight
forward. "It's okay."
The sudden reassurance came from nowhere. I felt like I missed half of the
conversation. "...What is?"
Flicking his eyes on me, his lips parted like he was hesitating on explaining
something that already seemed clear to him. "It's okay to be in a weird mood.
If you're not sick and you're not tired, then it must mean you're just having
one of those days. It happens to everyone. I've been in a weird mood for a
while now and can't get out of it."
"I...haven't really noticed." Then again, Levi's always stoic so it's hard to
tell what mood he's in. It's easy to confuse enjoyment and boredom when it
comes to this guy. "Do you know what caused the mood?"
"Sort of. But knowing doesn't really fix it. Sometimes you just have to let it
run its course. Do you know what's causing your mood?" With an arm warped over
the back of the chair, he faced me with full attention. My eyes retreated to my
lap.
"I'm not sure—I just woke up really anxious." It's almost laughable—I've been
walking on clouds for weeks now. I've been in such high spirits, but I suppose
I used up all that energy and needed a recharge.
I shook my head with a tight lip. Levi witnessed this silently. It's not that I
ran out of fuel, it's just I finally arrived to my destination. The road trip,
per se, was over. That's usually the funnest part of a trip, but once you get
there the new environment could be a little overwhelming. Scary, even.
You're on new grounds and even though the scenery is exotic and exciting, you
get a little homesick. The road is fun, because you know exactly where you're
going. The map draws it all out for you, but once you make it there you don't
even know where to go, where to begin, or what to expect. It isn't a bad
feeling necessary, but adjusting to new sensations could be intimidating.
Finally, I let my mind touch on a subject I've been trying to dodge since the
moment I woke up. I've done a good job at keeping it buried in the back of my
head, but the side effects were still effecting me regardless.
My jaw clenched as I swallowed hard. "You know, my birthday is tomorrow."
Levi relaxed his shoulders and leaned back far enough to make the chair creak,
his gaze flitted around the kitchen. "How can I forget? You've been reciting a
countdown everyday for the whole month of March."
What can I say, I'm guilty. I've been so excited for the days leading up to
this and I couldn't stop thinking about it. But now my hands were damp at the
thought and I've been avoiding the topic of my birthday all day.
A hard, cornered-stare landed on me. "What, you upset about getting older?
Wouldn't blame you. It's all downhill from here, kid—but you're still too young
to be depressed about your birthday. Me on the other hand, I'm allowed to be a
cranky bastard because I'm reaching thirty. But you have no room to complain."
"It's not that. Geez, I wish I was older."
"Then what is it? You've been raving on about it all month. But now it's a day
before and you're all gloomy. It's odd, you usually don't make a big deal about
your birthday."
"I-I have something to look forward to now—don't I?"
Levi stared at my offended expression silently for a few beats, leaving me
unanswered with my mouth parted.
"You do? Hm, then I wonder why you're in a bad mood." Wonder laced his soft
tone. "If you do have something to look forward to, then why are you feeling
this way?"
That's a good point. There's no reason for me to be behaving so negatively.
What happened overnight? My fists trembling on the table reminded me.
Right—I'm nervous. I went from excited, to curious, to hopeful and shortly
after to a little overwhelmed. Today, I woke up feeling downright scared, but
couldn't figure it out right away so I pushed it aside. Now, my nerves are
leaking out from trying to prematurely clog the buildup.
For a split second here I relaxed; reminding myself that I did have something
important to look forward to. For a long time, I've been waiting patiently for
this moment to happen.
—But then what Levi said finally clicked. What is there to look forward to if
he's questioning me about it? The plans all rely on him, after all. Don't tell
me he forgot about it while I'm going through this whirlwind of emotions all
month for no reason.
I felt the need to remind him, and just that alone had my anxiety spiking
again. I cleared my throat, eyes straying. I couldn't stand how Levi's eyes
were looking directly at me. There was a glint in his eyes I didn't recognize.
It was hard to tell if that stare was good or bad.
"We're—We're still on for the...date, right?"
There was a long pause, so long in fact that I had to check if he heard me.
When my eyes landed on him, we held each others gazes for a while. I don't even
know how I managed that without breaking the stare. He just kept sitting there
with his back a little hunched as he tortured me in anticipation.
Levi broke the contact first by closing his eyes. "Yes. For the thousandth-
fucking-time, yes, Eren."
My racing heart quieted. I wanted to sigh in relief but I felt that it would be
too much. "Okay, okay. It's just—you never bring it up. I keep thinking you
changed your mind."
"I would tell you if I did. There's just nothing to talk about. You want it to
be a surprise so I intend to keep it that way."
"When I said that—I didn't really mean it, you can tell me we're were going. I
rather be prepared."
"I kept it a secret all this time, might as well keep it one until the end." He
allowed himself time to think—or recall, then nodded at his own thoughts.
"There's nothing to prepare for really. You don't need to bring anything and
you can wear whatever you want. All preparations on my end has already been
taken care of."
"Preparations...? Like what?" I waited for a reply. He didn't budge. "C'mon, I
really need to know where we're going after saying something like that."
But Levi simply folded his arms stubbornly. Just when I thought the
conversation ended, he slanted close to me and added in some final, pondering
words. "Instead of being nervous, try to guess where I'm going to taking you
tomorrow. It'll keep your mind off of whatever's causing your 'weird mood'."
I could be mistaken, but there was the smallest hint of a smile on his lips
after he said that. And when those words finally penetrated my mind, he was
gone; off to tidy up the rest of the house. I was left there alone, staring at
my hands that were much dryer than before.
Soon enough, I had a small smile that matched the one he gave me. Reviewing our
conversation now, I realized that Levi knew the reason for my mood all along,
he was just trying to be casual about it and not put me on the spot. He was
never the type to be direct or pry, but that doesn't mean he isn't skilled at
finding other ways to involve himself. That was one of the great things about
having Levi raise me all these years—he wasn't like some parents that forcibly
interfere and snooped too much, but he still cared enough to hand out some
subtle advice when he saw a backdoor open.
He knows I'm nervous about tomorrow. I wasn't even that sure myself, but he
knew before I did. There's no possible way for someone to force another to not
feel that way—but he didn't give empty assurance by telling me everything would
be fine or that I was over-thinking. No—he offered me something else to think
about instead, something to replace the anxieties. Levi stayed true to his
subtle nature and cheered me up in the only (and best) way he could.
His words were effective because soon enough I was feeling more motivated to
carry out the day. The chair scuffed the floor as I pushed out from the table
and lifted out of the seat. I joined up with Levi in the living room. I
wandered close behind him, folding my arms as I looked up over his head at
bookcase he was currently in front of. On the tips of his toes, Levi stretched
his duster as far as he could, but to no avail.
"Need any help?"
A little panicky jump later, he shot me a startled glare over his shoulder. I
must of snuck up on him and frightened him—I should do that more often, he
looked really cute there for a second.
"I got it," he lowered his brows, jaw set tight. Someone his age really
shouldn't send such awful death glares at people. It's honestly surprising how
he stayed so young looking while making faces like that.
I stood there patiently, waiting for Levi to prove to me that he truly 'got it'
but he simply fiddled with the handle of the duster and looked between me and
his arch nemesis: the top shelf.
"Make yourself useful and do something." He jabbed the duster in my gut and
walked off mumbling, "I have better things to do than dust anyway."
In other words, he couldn't handle it but he didn't want to admit it or fail in
front of me. That's to be expected when it comes to Levi. Like I mentioned
before, Levi has a very subtle nature.
Eventually (and fortunately) the chores came to an end and so did the day. I
was in a better mood than before—no longer was I spaced out and my stomach
managed calm down considerably on its own.
Levi and I ended up walking into town to pick Mikasa up from work. This has
been a new tradition between us lately. When he first suggested we should walk
her home from now on, I questioned him on this and he informed me that there's
been a lot of kidnappings and he didn't feel right about letting her walk home
alone at an unruly hour of the evening. I agreed that it was probably for the
best if we picked her up from now on. Mikasa didn't care either way, but always
thanked us for going out of our way for her.
Once we arrived back home, we all ate together at the dinning table. I was the
one who cooked and believe it or not, I managed to receive a compliment from
Levi: aka my worst critic. We swapped some chatter—Mikasa talked about work,
Levi talked about some new book he was reading and I decided to be a dick and
spoil the ending since I already read it twice. In all fairness, he spoiled at
least a dozen stories for me and I don't get many chances to return the favor
since the guy read nearly every book in existence.
The familiar nightly audio of bickering and laughs faded out between us once
the clock-hands reached a late hour.
I collapsed in the center of the bed after removing my shirt and throwing on
pajama pants. It feels extra hot tonight, hot enough to make me pull up the
sleeves of my pants passed my knees; not that it made a difference. I'd bet
anything that once Levi returns from brushing his teeth downstairs he'll start
complaining about how cold it is. We definitely share entirely different blood.
Not that this was a bad thing—our body types went as far as complimenting each
other, in fact. I was able to warm him up, and his chilled skin cooled me off
some.
Creaking and dreary, tired steps drew into ear shot. I lifted my head in time
to see Levi arrive at the top off the stairs.
"It's fucking cold," he muttered to himself, just as I predicted and he trailed
off to the dresser and put something warmer over his shirt. The white knitted
sweater fit baggy on him and the sleeves nearly reached the tips of his
fingers. Mikasa actually made him the sweater last Christmas—back when she
first taught herself knitting and blamed the sizing on her amateur skills. He
still really loved the top regardless and said it was comfortable. He would
never wear it out, but it's something he often throws on around the house.
Levi tugged the neat blanket out from under me. I wiggled to find the comfort I
lost as he tightly wrapped himself up like a cocoon. His head landed hard on my
chest when he crashed into me, his ear right against my heart. I readjusted my
arm naturally and wrapped it around his back, cupping his shoulder with
caressing fingers.
"Um...Levi?"
"Mm."
"About tomorrow..."
"Oh my God Eren." Irritated, he punched down on my peck. Even though it was a
drowsy blow, it still left a sting. "As I said, we're still on for tomorrow.
Stop asking about it."
"No, I know. I just wanted to know if there's a certain time I should wake up."
His hair tickled my skin as he shook his head against my chest "You can sleep
as late as you want. We're not leaving until sunset."
"Sunset?" His head bobbed against my chest as I laughed. "I haven't heard that
word for a while." Ever since we moved underground, I noticed no one used those
terms to tell the time simply because there is no sunrise, sunset, only
constant darkness. It's more efficient to just specify the time, but then again
it was easy to slip out words like that out of habit.
"So, around six or seven?"
"Yeah, somewhere around that time—just don't start dwelling on it. There's no
reason to get worked up."
"I'm not."
"You know I can hear your heart, right?"
". . . . . ." I guess there's no way of denying it. The moment I thought of our
date, my blood started pumping and I became even hotter than before.
By this time tomorrow night, we'll probably be done with the date and be at
home, in bed just as we are now. I wonder—what will I be thinking about then?
Will I be thinking about how great it went, or will I be internally cursing
myself for screwing up my only chance with him? There's no telling what I'd be
thinking at this time tomorrow and I decided to take Levi's advice and not get
too worked up about it.
Instead I focused on the texture of Levi's silky hair running through the tips
of my fingers. The gentle massage must have soothed him because soon enough his
breathing pattern changed, making it clear that he had been lulled to sleep.
I suppose it's easy for him. He has nothing to worry about—he already knows
where we're going tomorrow while I'm still trying to expect the unexpected. I
couldn't help but wonder how tomorrow would go and if it would be successful or
not. I frowned up at the ceiling.
Both possible outcomes scared me equally. If I manage to ruin the date, then
there's a chance that Levi will never take me on another one and we won't ever
further our relationship. But if it goes great...then that will lead to steeper
steps to climb. Taking the next step with Levi is all I ever wanted, but
thinking of us doing more than just cuddling at night makes me skittish.
Although I'm ready, I'm inexperienced and Levi isn't the most tolerant man
within the walls. If Levi hates something, he boldly says it and he will make
you feel like shit for daring to tick him off or waste his time. It won't be
easy for an amateur like me to impress a guy like that.
I've kissed Levi a million times in my mind, but in reality I'd probably be
pretty terrible at it. My imagination also showed me doing the dirtiest things
it could summon, but again, I'd probably have no idea how to skillfully (or
even effectively) have sex with him.
This sucks—I should be happy but the outcome I'm rooting for is equally
terrifying.
Despite what Levi said, I did dwell on the date until hours had passed. Trying
to trick my mind into sleeping didn't work. I tried to close my eyes and think
of absolutely nothing, but by the time I realized it I was back into deep
thought with another hour of time gone.
I couldn't even jerk myself off to wear my body out and numb my thoughts. Levi
had my wrist locked in his hand tightly and my other was trapped under him.
Plus he's quite literally on top of me; his little heavy body partially pinning
me down. It's not worth waking him up just to move him off me. I'm too
comfortable, anyway—but if I am, then why the hell can't I get to sleep?
Fussily, I readjusted my head on the pillow and glanced at the clock with heavy
bags under my eyes.
"Shit..."
It's already morning. Starting my birthday frustrated and sleep deprived was
definitely not the kickoff I envisioned.
                                     _~x~_
"Mmm." I groaned and I struggled to keep my lids from opening just a little bit
longer so I can enjoy another moment of blissful rest—but there was a nagging,
persistent poke stinging my arm that kept me from drifting back off. I squirmed
under the jabbing pain and slit my eyes open slowly.
"It's about time you woke up. I know I said you can sleep as late as you want,
but I didn't think you'd sleep this late."
"...Levi?" I recognized the voice, but my blurry vision blocked me from seeing
him fully. Once the film cleared away, I saw that he was right over me,
standing at the side of the bed with an unreadable, yet ominous gaze.
My eyes blinked dumbly at him, trying to process his former words. I must have
slept in. Now I'm in for it. He usually gives me a ten minute speech about how
useless I am if I wake up past noon. I let out a stretch and a yawn. "Sorry, it
took forever to fall asleep last night. What time is it?"
"A little past five."
The covers came flying off me and the bed in an instant as I slung myself
forward. "Five? Why didn't you wake me up sooner?"
With a sigh, Levi took small steps around the bed and bent at the foot of it to
lift the blanket off the ground. He shook it out and folded it as he spoke. "I
normally would—I hate seeing you sleep the day away like a lazy lump, but it's
your birthday. I thought it would be rude of me to wake you up sooner."
"My birthday..." I scratched my head in an effort to force my brain to power on
sooner. I swung my legs off the side of the bed, holding my temple. Bolting up
right from a dead sleep is never a good idea.
Levi patiently waited for me to get my head on straight, then let out a
demanding order once that patience ran out of time. "Hurry up and get ready.
We're leaving in an hour."
"Ready for...?" My head jerked back; my eyes growing in full alertness.
The date.
I had all this time to brace myself yet I'm still not mentally prepared for
this. Daringly, I peeked over at Levi, who gave no sign of stress.
"I'll wait downstairs." By the time I blinked, he was already out of my sight.
I took a very long, needed breath before finding my feet.
After putting some clothes on, I hunched over the vanity and got a good look at
myself in the mirror. I made a mental note to wash my face to rinse the sleep
from my eyes and dried drool from my lip. Other than that, I didn't
look too terrible.
Today really is the day...huh? My blood rushed at the reminder.
When I was twelve, fifteen felt so far away—but here I stand three years later.
I distinctly remember Levi saying he'd think about giving me a chance once I
reached this age. Holding the lip of the vanity tightly, I took a deep breath.
I absolutely cannot fuck today up. I feel like I'm prepping myself for a
tournament I'll be judged on rather than a date, but I don't care. I want Levi.
I want him so bad and this might be my one and only chance.
I ran a comb through my hair—and of course, I was having a bad hair day. That's
what I get for going to sleep with my hair still damp. I tried the push the
volume down the best I could, then traveled passed the stairs and into the
bathroom where I finished getting ready. Later, I slid into the kitchen.
"Hey Eren." Mikasa got up out of seat and approached me with a small smile.
"Happy birthday." I was pulled into a hug, and although I returned it, my eyes
were skimming over her shoulder.
"Where'd Levi go?"
She pulled away and brushed my hair out of my eyes, it took her a few attempts
but the strains finally stayed in their rightful place. "He's outside having a
smoke. He said he'll be back in a minute. Why?"
I shook my head. I don't know why I got paranoid for a second—it's not like
he'd leave for the date without me. That kind of defeats the purpose of a date.
"Since when does he smoke outside?"
"He's been smoking a lot all day, much more than usual. You should have seen
the kitchen before. It was so smoky I thought we burned the cake. I guess he
doesn't want that to happen again."
My eyes flickered off her and onto the table, where a cake worthy of being a
displayed in a bakery sat.
"I feel bad for sleeping in late after you went into so much trouble. I'm
definitely having a piece before I leave, though."
"You sure that's a good idea?" Mikasa questioned motherly, but it was already
too late. I already made up my mind and walked off to cut myself a slice. "It
might upset your stomach. You should eat a proper meal before you leave."
"Nah, it's fine. I'm still kind of tired so the sugar will give me a boost."
And other than that, my stomach was in no condition to hold much down.
Mikasa took a seat beside me and watched for my reaction as I took a bite—but
there was no need for her to check. I'm sure her and Levi already know I find
their baking skills far superior to mine.
"Who's idea was it to put strawberries in?" I asked, the favor rolling around
my tongue.
"Levi's..." She looked between me in the cake, worried. "Why? Do you not like
it?"
"No—No I like it, I've been craving strawberries." I don't remember ever
mentioning it, though.
"Yeah, that's what he said too."
I stopped chewing for a second. I guess I did mention it. Seems like Levi has a
better memory than me.
"Anyway—Levi and I did a lot of talking while you were asleep," she tapped her
nails against the table and her next line was sang teasingly, "I know where
he's taking you today. But no, I'm not telling you. Just thought I'd rub that
in your face."
"Awh c'mon," I whined in the most irritating pitch I could create. I checked on
the static front door and turned back to her in a whisper. "Tell me while he's
away. I'm dying to know. I promise, I'll still put on a surprised act so he
doesn't suspect anything."
But Mikasa proved to be just as stubborn as Levi as she folded her arms. "All
I'll say is that I'm honestly surprised you didn't wake up and hear it for
yourself earlier. Levi and I didn't really agree that it was a good idea at
first. We kind of...argued. But after some convincing, I realized it was a nice
idea. I think you'll enjoy yourself."
I thought she was done there and I was about to go over everything she just
said and resort to begging again because all she did is make me more curious,
but with an earnest expression she went on to say, "I trust him with you, so I
know it'll be alright. But if you don't feel comfortable with it then you can
back out, no pressure. I'm sure Levi will come up with something else to do
instead."
My tense knuckles pushed my plate away. This was too much—isn't it suppose to
be a date? What's there to fight about? And why does Mikasa need to trust
him for us to go out? Last night I tried to take Levi's advice and think of
where he was going to take me, but looking back I don't think I even came close
to an accurate guess.
Before I could interrogate Mikasa further, I became distracted by a
conversation beyond the door. Soon enough, the door swished open with an
energetic force.
Hanji was standing there proudly with Levi shadowing behind her with much less
enthusiasm.
"Eren! Happy birthday!"
A wide smile stole a spot on my face. It's always nice to see her. "Hey aunt
Hanji—I didn't know you were coming today."
"As if I wasn't going to see my favorite nephew on his birthday!" She lowered
her voice some and snuck up to me like she was revealing a secret, "I may or
may not have ditched training to come here..."
"Wha—You shouldn't have done that! You could've just gave me a belated birthday
wish when you had free time. I don't want you get in trouble because of me."
But she waved off my worry with mellow ease and ruffled up my hair. "This is an
important day, I wouldn't miss this. Besides, Levi needed my assistance with
your outing."
"Assistance...?" With my hair unruly and out of place again, I looked over at
Levi quizzically. Fixated on the floor, he stood disconnected from the
conversation as if he were the black sheep of the horde—but this was his
childish way of pretending he didn't hear me.
I knew asking wouldn't solve anything, so I asked myself multiple times, hoping
the answer would click eventually. What would he possibly need Hanji for? We're
leaving in less than an hour, I don't understand. "I'm...confused."
"What else is new." Levi breezed past me, reeking of cigarettes. Maybe he
noticed this too because he said, "I'm gonna change. I'll be back in a second."
I watched him climb up the stairs, then I slowly turned my head back to Hanji
and Mikasa: the traitors working against me right now. "Alright, what's going
on here? If someone doesn't fill me in soon I'm gonna get pissed."
Instead of answering me, Hanji pointed at Mikasa. "Do you know where Levi and
Eren are going tonight?" She nodded her head silently, just to rub it in my
face a second time. I officially pissed. I'm the only one in the house not
filled in right now.
"Guys, seriously. What's going on? This is just suppose to be a date...isn't
it?" I was starting to have doubts. Levi is bilingual after all, maybe he's
getting the term date confused with something else—something possibly dangerous
if Hanji's involved and Mikasa has to put her trust into Levi. This is giving
me a bad vibes.
"There's nothing to worry about, Eren." Hanji patted my shoulder, but it didn't
help. All this time I was worried about the date, but now I'm worried that this
isn't even a date.
First Mikasa and Levi argue about where he's taking me (and Mikasa isn't one to
argue unless it has something to do with me in a situation she doesn't approve
of) then she decided to trust him for whatever reason, and now Levi needs
Hanji's assistance on our date? Nothing to worry about my ass.
"Really Eren, if you were in any real danger I would tell you." Mikasa started,
her tone dull but sincere. "Just be sure to do exactly what Levi says when the
time comes. You'll know what I mean later—for now, don't worry about it. Once
you're there it'll all make sense."
That did nothing to assure me—but I couldn't question further because Levi had
arrived back in the kitchen. Simultaneously, we all shuffled to stare at him
directly.
"...What." His chin lowered to inspect himself and straightened out the
wrinkles in his blouse, thinking that was the cause of the stares, but that
wasn't it. In fact, his outfit didn't reveal any clues at all. He was wearing a
plain white button up shirt and gray slacks—a typical outfit he wore out.
"So, are you kids ready?" Hanji said excitedly with a clap. Funny, I
thought I was the one who's supposed to be excited here. Instead I'm confused
and slightly angry. My cheek pressed up against my hand as I grimaced.
"We should wait a bit longer. I wouldn't want to run into trouble, if you catch
my drift." Levi said, vaguely, and now I know he is pissing me off
intentionally.
"Nah, it's totally dead. I did a few rounds to make sure on my way here. Eren's
birthday landed on a lucky day, everyone's really preoccupied with the
festival."
"Really? I didn't know about that. That works out, then. I suppose it won't
hurt to head off a little earlier. It'll take a while to get there anyway."
Now I'm really out of the loop. My head started spinning. "Would someone please
tell me what's going on?"
"If you want to find out, then get up off your ass and follow me." Hearing that
gave me the motivation I needed to stand; barely, I might add. My legs were
shaking and at this rate I wasn't even sure if I could walk. I still did my
best to tail close behind Levi as we headed for the door.
"Have fun, Eren." Mikasa waved me off with a smile. "Be safe."
                                     _~x~_
The town square was crowded and often enough I had to walk sideways to squeeze
in shoulder-first through all the people. A few times I thought I lost Levi and
Hanji, but they would pop up and drag me back into synchronization with their
pace.
Once we maneuvered through the streets to the end of the city, the amount of
people covering the path were few and far between. Due to the sparse amount of
people, it was effortless to notice the tall man that stood out like a sore
thumb all by himself a few feet from us. By the looks of it, we were in the
raunchy outskirts of town, and I would have saw him as suspicious if I hadn't
realized he was wearing military attire. Before I could get a good look at him,
my vision went black and the feeling of thick cloth cloaked around my head.
"Wha—What the hell?!" With buckling knees, I gasped as I was yanked backwards
by the hair. "Great fucking going Levi! Bring me to the shady side of town and
let me get kidnapped on our first date!"
"Quit panicking." A dull voice slipped out from behind. The knot tightened
painfully at the back of my head. I winced. "I'm trying to heighten the
surprise, brat, so don't take it off unless you want your hands tied up too."
". . . . . ."
Okay so I'm not being kidnapped, and I'm not being assaulted—Levi's just short
and thought it was a good idea to rip my hair out to get me down to his
level—but nevertheless he's still an asshole and this is a terrible date so
far.
Wait a minute. Did he just threaten to tie my hands up while he's blindfolding
me—?! What kind of fucking date is this? Levi has absolutely no idea what he's
doing. I think I'm blaming Hanji more at this point, though. She's a good
person, but she has proven to be a lunatic at times. She probably talked him
into doing this shit in the first place and Levi's so easily manipulated—even a
twelve year old version of me had him tied around my finger.
"Hanji, make sure he doesn't run into anything like an idiot."
"You got it!" Soon my arm was locked with hers and we continued walking; I had
trouble keeping up with the pep in her step. Relying on senses other than my
sight was not something I'd predicted I'd be doing tonight, but I adjusted by
holding my free arm in front while I felt the air, just as a precaution to make
sure I wouldn't hurt myself because I sure as hell couldn't rely on these
nutjobs.
At this point, there was no use in questioning what's going on anymore. I won't
get answers. Even if I did, I still probably wouldn't know what the hell is
going on. It's for the best to go along with it. Mikasa told me to do as Levi
says, after all. She must know more than me. I'll take her word for it. She's
never steered me wrong in the past, after all.
But for the record, I'm never asking Levi to surprise me ever again. He went
way too far with it.
We kept walking. Depending only on my hearing now, we seemed to have walked far
enough for Levi to recognize the man I saw in the distance before. I sensed we
were approaching him.
"You're kidding. You made Mike play hooky with you too?"
"I would never!" Hanji shouted from the right. I jerked aside. Being between
them isn't a fun experience. "Tell him, Mike! I'd never get you into trouble!"
"She's right—I'm free for the evening anyway. I'm actually allowed to be here,
unlike her."
"No need to remind everyone, hun."
"Oh yeah?" Levi's pitched spiked. "Then are you allowed to steal unauthorized
equipment too?"
The silence only underlined Levi's words more. What's this all about...am I
involved in something illegal?
Realizing now that I'm blindfolded and being escorted by a thug and an
eccentric scientist and her partner in crime left me with a hollow feeling in
the pit of my stomach. I have a bad feeling about this—but before I could dwell
too long, Hanji's screech cut off all my thoughts.
"Hey, you're the one that asked me where to get it! It's like you said, there's
none in the black market. I looked around myself, but the only ones I found
were knock-offs that cost a fortune."
"You have a point. They're not easy to come by anymore. And when I think about
how many I threw away if feels like such a waste."
"Lucky you don't have a use for it anymore—but you can always borrow ours when
you need it."
"Right. If I ever need to borrow some equipment I'll just ask you two to steal
it for me."
When the silence hit, a guilty feeling came over me. It almost felt like I was
eavesdropping, but really I'm suppose to be here and apart of this, right?
"...You got it all wrong," Mike corrected. "I didn't steal anything. That's all
on her. I'm just delivering."
Hanji gasped. "Stop it! You're making me seem like some corrupted criminal—no
offense, Levi."
"And why would I take offense to that, shitty-glasses?"
"Um...guys?" Even though I was blind at the moment, I could sense all their
stares on me. I swallowed thickly, it felt like I rudely interrupted something,
but if anyone is being inconsiderate it's them.
"Let's keep moving." Levi announced and soon my feet were dragging forward
again.
The space around us grew quiet and compressed. There was no more chatter from
passerby's or merchants, not even in the far distance could I detect a word.
Only the reverberating echo of our footsteps was present and it almost came off
as eerie. It sounded like we were inside somewhere. I hoped this meant we were
close to our destination. I can't take the anticipation anymore.
"We're getting close." Hanji announced. "Mike, go on ahead and check the
surroundings. Just give us a wave if it's clear." The man must have wordlessly
agreed. His heavy footsteps lumbered on ahead of us until they sounded far
away.
"Levi...I'm getting kind of scared."
"Yeah, me too."
"...Eh?!" I hadn't expected him to agree with me. I just wanted him to
say 'stop being a coward, brat' like he's supposed to say.
"He just means he's nervous, just like you. You're not the only one going on a
date, you know." Hanji gave me a friendly poke on the cheek and I felt
embarrassed for flinching at the unexpected touch.
"Really Eren, it's fine. I'd never intentionally want to scare you. This all
has a purpose, I promise."
Those words soothed my nerves considerably. That's exactly what I needed to
hear, but I still had a feeling that Levi's words before were genuine—but Hanji
simply altered the meaning behind his concerns.
"Oh, looks like it's clear." Hanji said and soon I was being dragged along with
her in a quickened jog. I barely kept up. I puffed and broke into a sweat. On
top of this, I had a lingering fear that I'd bump right into something if I
went too fast.
Our stride stopped abruptly, my own feet came to a belated halt when Levi's arm
stretched out in from of my torso, blocking me from making another step. He
warned me that there were stairs in front of us. He lugged me up by the arm as
I cautiously tapped my foot against each step while I slowly cleared the
flight.
I lifted my leg again, feeling for another step—but it landed on nothing. It
seems that I reached the top of wherever we were. There was no more movement or
words spoken, and I was about to say something before Levi beat me to the punch
with a hiss though his teeth.
"Fuck it's bright."
"Ah, it's been a while, huh?" Hanji answered him gently. All I could do was
wonder where we are. Usually Levi does nothing but complain about how dark it
is.
"I can't even see. Shit, it stings."
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I turned my head to the general direction his
voice was coming from.
"Nothing, nothing." Hanji answered for him. My neck was starting to kink from
bouncing my attention between them.
"Just be lucky you didn't decide to leave earlier. The lighting is pretty dim
in comparison,"
"He's right," she agreed with Mike, "I actually had to put on my tinted glasses
earlier. Haven't used those babies in a while."
"Gross. Don't call your stupid glasses babies ever again. Don't tell me you
have a collection of those things." He actually sounded disgusted. I can't
figure out why Levi has a baseless hatred against glasses.
"I do not."
"She does," Mike let out a teasing chuckle but it soon turned into a muffled
grunt. There was pain in his voice, "You sure do pack a rough right hook."
"I only hurt you because I love you."
"And I put up with it because I love you as well."
"Yuck. You two are going to make me violently ill." Levi demolished the cute
atmosphere Mike and Hanji created with the rude remark. It was risky, but I
laughed quietly to myself. If Levi and I ever got in a relationship, we'd
probably bicker back and forth and say we love each other in the same breath
like that too.
...Well, that's how it goes in one of my many fantasies. I'm still not sure if
Levi would ever get that far with me. I can't see him telling me he loves me
any time soon, that's for sure.
We came to another sudden stop and soon Levi's voice felt further away than it
was before. I couldn't figure out what he was up to. "Keep an eye out for
anyone."
"I can't."
"I wasn't talking to you." He barked back to me.
Maybe now would be a good time to ask if I can remove this damn blindfold
already, but Hanji started speaking before I got the chance.
"There's no need to be overly cautious. Like I said before, everyone in town is
at that festival and all the MPs are paroling around there."
"Where's the festival?" I asked, trying to slyly award myself with a hint to
figure out where we were, but I received no reply. Awesome. Now I'm being
ignored. Why am I did here if my only purpose is to tag along blindly?
"Have you ever done this before, Levi?" Hanji asked.
"A few times." Everything they spoke about seemed so vague to me. I couldn't
tell if they were doing it on purpose or not. They probably were doing it on
purpose. Assholes.
"Ever with someone else?"
"...No. But how hard could it be."
"Well just be careful and bring Eren back in one piece—but if not then ship him
to my lab."
"WHAT?!" Now that wasn't vague!
"I'm kidding, Eren!"
"She's not kidding, so you better cooperate with me."
Finally I felt Levi's presence beside me and I reached out to tug his sleeve,
but he made no attempt at giving me the attention I deserved at this point.
Instead, he went right over me. "I'm all set. I guess you'll be heading back to
the base now?"
"I went into the trouble of leaving, might as well make the best of it if I'm
going to get written up anyway. Mike and I will probably head back to your
place and give Mikasa some company, if you don't mind."
"No problem with me. Just don't do anything weird while I'm away."
"Define weird."
"Don't do anything you'd do at your place, is basically what I'm saying."
"You're no fun. Anyway, have fun guys! Be careful!"
The extra emphasis added at the end made a shiver run through me. If I have to
be careful, then how the hell is this going to be fun?
Now with Hanji and Mike gone, the air grew unbearably still and quiet. When I
swallowed I could swear that it could've been heard for miles.
Soon I felt a small, but hard figure press up against me. I jumped a little,
until I realized it was just Levi. My hand patted his shoulders, but he took a
firm hold of both my wrists and guided me, then secured my hands around his rib
cage. My lip quivered as he returned the unexpected embrace by wrapped tightly
around my hip.
"I'm gonna need you to hold on to me as if your life depends on it."
"...W-Why?"
"Because your life actually does depend on it."
"What the hell are you talking about?!" I jumped from the unexpected shift in
Levi's pose and especially the snapping sound that darted from below and
traveled above us.
"Just do as I say."
". . . . . ." Once again, I was reminded of Mikasa's words. She told me to do
as he says and I'm in no position to make my own judgments, so I'll have to
trust him. There's no reason to be afraid. Neither him or her would ever put me
in any real danger. I took a deep breath and breathed out slowly. His shirt
taut as I latched around him firmly.
"Alright Eren, we're going to start off really, really slow, so don't panic."
"S...Start what?" I tried to hide the tremble from my voice, but wasn't
succeeding. At least my tone sounded calmer and I didn't sound like I was
talking over an hail storm.
"It's going to feel a little weird at first, but just hold onto me and you'll
get used to it."
"I-I..." My cheeks reddened. ...Why did I feel like I was about to lose my
virginity? I had the urge to slap myself. Now is not the time to be thinking of
shit like that!
Levi secured his hold on me and I started loosely shaking and sweating
bullets—because of this, I nearly slipped away from him when I was hoisted up;
my feet rose completely off the ground, leaving my legs dangling in a panicked
motion. In an instant my stomach sunk and I reflexively squeezed Levi so
painfully tight I thought I'd snap his thin torso in half.
"Wh-ah! L-LEVI! Put me down!"
"I don't think that's a very good idea, but if you keep insisting by screaming
into my ear, I just might." While I felt my body swaying, it clicked that what
he said was in fact a threat. I shut my lips tight.
But I was quickly comforted when Levi constricted his hold, wrapping me snugger
against him. His hold on me is strong and dependable, but that doesn't make me
feel any better about being lifted off the air without warning.
"It's fine, I got you. Luckily you're a lot lighter than I thought you'd be." I
don't know what his plan is—but all I know is that he didn't think it through
very well. "I might not drop you at this rate."
"MIGHT?!"
He snickered—because this situation is so fucking hilarious—but his laugh
brisked away by a gentle breeze that swung us like the pendulum of a
grandfather clock—and my heart matched with a tick just as dull. The gust of
wind had stroked my cheeks, leaving behind pricking goosebumps. The layer of
fuzz coating my body stood up erectly as my bangs blew wild.
The burning fright boiling inside me crystallized into a cooling sensation and
that's when I noticed the crisp scent touring through my nostrils. I nearly had
the urge the sneeze at the familiar tickle of allergies that hasn't visited me
in so long.
It was like nothing else mattered but those scents and the refreshing breeze
running through me. In that moment my body stopped shaking.
"Levi... We're not underground anymore, are we?"
"You're just now thinking this? I expected you to figure it out the moment I
hooked my wire."
I had a feeling he was using 3D Maneuver Gear, but now I'm certain. "...Are you
sure this is a good idea?"
"It's fine."
So now I know we're on the surface—but where exactly? That I still haven't
figured out. I know I'm hanging off the ground, but how far up are we? Was Levi
trying to sneak into some building so we wouldn't get spotted from the front?
Maybe he's being extra cautious because we're in Wall Sina. Why would he bring
me to the surface, though? It's been three years since we've been here. Levi
always reminded me that we could never return. Why is he taking such a bold
risk today? What could possibly be worth putting himself in jeopardy?
I wondered and wondered but my thoughts turned off in an instant. "M-My ears
just popped... Where the—? How high up are we?"
"Almost forty meters."
"Huh?!" Either my ears are actually damaged, or I didn't hear him right. I was
hoping for the latter. "I'm going to piss myself."
"I won't forgive you for pissing on me a third time."
"Let that go already." He laughed and hearing that made me feel slightly
better, even if it's only because he found amusement in making fun of me.
"Are you really that scared, Eren? If you want, we could go somewhere on the
ground."
"That's what I expected...but..." I shook my head. I had no way of knowing if
Levi was looking my way, so I verbally made myself clear, "I'm not scared, I'm
just overwhelmed. I trust you. I just wish I knew where we were." I added a
chuckle to not only calm my nerves, but to break the seriousness of the mood.
"Y' know, it would be nice to be able to see on this date."
"You will. No peeking until then."
Even if I wanted to, I couldn't take off the blindfold to settle my curiosity
once and for all. My arms had to remain around Levi. Even though he had a
strong hold on me I was afraid of what might happen if I let go.
"We're nearly there. I'll take it off when we arrive."
I few minutes later, I panicked and jerked my body—like that feeling you get
when you wake up just before hitting the ground from a high distance in your
dreams. Levi's body had lifted away from me, leaving me dangling. He kept us
connected by a strong hold on my wrist.
"I got ya," he heaved me up effortlessly, tugging at my arm strongly like a
piece of rope until I felt for a ledge. After scooted myself up, my back fell
down on what appeared to be grainy concrete. Wheezing, I stayed there a while
to catch my breath—not that it was really energy draining on my part, but
mentally I'm exhausted.
I sensed Levi's shadow looming over me and soon he lent me a hand and helped me
up. I found my feet after stumbling a little and I reached up to remove the
blindfold, but Levi stopped me.
"Wait," he said then repositioned my body. From behind, he fiddled with the
knot of the blindfold and my heart raced in anticipation. My fist trembled
beside my hip. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every sensation in my body. I
could feel and hear my pulse and the blood circulating beneath my trembling
flesh. I could feel tingles fluttering up and down my clammy skin, like a
ghostly cold walked through me—but at the same time I felt so incredibly hot,
burning with an incurable fever. My mouth was dry and when I cleared my throat
with a gulp, I reddened more at the embarrassing wet sound. My breath was short
and soon I didn't feel like I was breathing at all.
The moment the cloth was removed, I was assaulted by a blinding light.
                              _~Eren's_POV_end~_
I stepped out from behind Eren, shielding my eyes from the vast glow with a
hand. While I waited for him to adjust to the light, I let myself indulge in
the serene view. It's like a whole other environment—or a new world all
together. There's actually air ventilation unlike that enclosed hole we call
home. I could really breathe up here.
The scenery seemed almost endless, but felt like a phony flat painting at the
same time. It just looked too incredible to be real. The birds-eye-view
rendered us a panoramic picture of Wall Rose and Wall Maria in the far
distance—and beyond that, there was nothing. No walls. No barriers. Just
endless landscape and mountains that looked hand-painted on the horizon.
There's only open land and bumpy terrain and sky stretching on for uncountable
miles. I etched the scenic paradise into my mind like a mental painting that I
prayed never faded or discolored over time. I want to remember this view just
as vividly as I see it now and refer back to it to remind myself that not
everything about this world is ugly.
This is the kind of of view you need to share with someone else—it's much too
selfish to hog something so massively glorious all for yourself. In other
words, I didn't want to witness this all by myself. I returned my gaze back up
at Eren.
Tears flowed out from Eren's static eyes, his mouth parted and breathless. I
wavered whether the tears were produced from the stunning brightness hurting
his eyes or if he found the view just as beautiful as I did.
I didn't think this would be enough for him to cry though (if you can even call
it crying, it's more like his eyes sprung a spontaneous leak). He stood almost
like a marble statue—the only animated part about him was his tears rolling
down his cheeks. He gave no expression, no words.
This hesitation made my body sink into the soles of my shoes.
Self consciousness consumed me. Great timing. I shouldn't expect an immediate
responds from the kid—this is rather sudden. I'll give him all the time he
needs. I kept waiting. And waiting.
I guess—I really don't know what I'm doing after all. Maybe this was a bad
idea, I didn't think it through very well. What if...he's scared? For all I
know he could have a fear of heights. Shit, I haven't actually thought of that.
The kid could be frozen in fear right now while I'm marveling at the
atmosphere.
All this time I was so afraid I might ruin today for weeks, but I couldn't
share my concerns with Eren. He looked forward to it and I tried to fake some
confidence so he wouldn't worry—he had his own shit to worry about for today
and I didn't need to add to it with my own concerns.
But right now, I just wanted to know if I fucked up or not. I didn't need to be
praised, I didn't deserve that, but I needed to know if Eren is scared or
unhappy or what. I waited some more. I probably did fuck up and he doesn't know
how to tell me—I should say something to explain myself. "...I know it's not
much of a date, but I figured you'd rather this than eating out at some crappy
restaurant. I'll admit I kind of needed some fresh air myself. But if you want
to go, we can."
Tentatively, I peeked back up for a reaction. I lost my breath.
Awaiting me was a warm grin that melted my anxieties away. A smile so bright
you could mistake it for the sun revealing itself once rainclouds drifted after
a long storm—but the downpour was far from over, for more tears puddled up in
the ducts of Eren's eyes and soon overflowed.
"Do you like it up here or not? Make up your mind." I felt like an idiot for
asking directly, but I needed to know already. He was taking too long to share
his thoughts. He's smiling, he's crying. I don't know how to read this kid
anymore and I just need to know if he's okay with this or not.
"I like it!" A giggle broke through the built up of saliva in his throat. He
choked on a weep and smiled wider after a sniff. "I'm just...I'm happy! Really
really happy! This is—" Eren let his words break off into a wondrous sigh. He
relished in another look, tears still rolling. "—way better than anything I
imagined. And I imagined a lot. I went as far as letting my imagination run
wild and come up with fantasy dates I knew never would happen, but this tops
them all."
Wiping his eyes on his sleeve, another sniffle cleared his nasally breath and
his eyes uneagerly peeled off the sky and scoped me out through blurry tears.
He looked a little embarrassed to have broke down like that—and he should be.
"You're such a crybaby." I didn't want to make any clear indication that I
fought back tears myself. Right now I'm just so naturally high; off the ground
and in spirit like I was floating on one of the reachable clouds in sight. This
high is better than any illegal substance ever provided me with before.
The view is truly beautiful.
Reluctantly, I unfastened my eyes from the scenery and I made a quick scope
around us—keeping a look out for any unwanted guest like the Garrison. None
seem to be on patrol, though, likely due to the hour and the festival below.
For the time being, that put me at ease, enough to unwind. After ensuring we
were truly alone a second time to be absolutely certain, we took a seat on the
edge of the Wall. Our legs hung off the side and our backs turned to the city
of Sina; the hellhole city we struggled in so long and lived beneath like
unworthy rats. This view in our sights was true freedom, even if it's just a
small teasing taste that we would have to spit out after and never be able to
fully digest.
Remembering that I will have to return back to being trapped was dreadful, but
I didn't let myself dwell on that long and let that ruin this for me. I'm going
to indulge in this freedom for as long as I can and greedily milk it for all
its worth. I can only hope Eren does the same because I honestly don't know if
I could ever take a risk like this again any time soon.
"You really out did yourself—this is just so surreal. I have no words."
"It's not really a big deal. You said you missed the sky, so..."
His dazed eyes—still glassy and red—clung to me. It took a long while to pry my
own off him. I scratched the back of my neck irritably. I realized now that it
sounds stupid to remember something so insignificant he mentioned in mundane
conversation.
"Would ya' stop staring at me? I brought you up here to look at the damn sky.
You can look at me any day."
Kicking his legs playfully off the ledge, he spitefully smirked. "But you're
much prettier than the sky."
"If you keep saying shit like that you'll live in the sky."
The weight of his eyes on me finally left—but soon mine found him while he
wasn't looking. I small grin twitched on my lip before looking away.
"I could stay up here forever and never get tired of this view. Look at the
mountains." Eren seemed to be absently thinking out loud now. The light of the
setting sun poured down the hills and the tip of the sky was starting to dot
with glistening stars.
"I wonder what's behind them."
I shrugged.
"What if the ocean is there but just hidden from our sight?"
I pondered it for a second. "I doubt it, surely if the Survey Corps discovered
the sea they would be bragging about it for years to come—and maybe then salt
wouldn't be so damn expensive."
"Yeah you're right. It would have been nice to know it was close—it's probably
no where near us though."
His mood plummeted slightly, sweeping his hooded eyes down the cliff.
"Then again," I started, but had no idea where I was going with this yet, "the
soldiers in the Survey Corps are constantly running from Titan's and getting
eaten, maybe they passed it up and didn't realize?" There was a hopeful raise
in my brows, and Eren laughed at me.
"I don't think that's possible, Levi. According to my friend's old book the
ocean takes up seventy percent of the world, I don't think they could just
'pass it up'."
He's not as easy to cheer up like when he was a kid. After crushing his theory,
I thought I can boost his mood by giving him hope that the precious ocean he
loves so much could be closer than he thinks—but now that I'm looking at him,
he doesn't actually seem disappointed at all. He seems happy in the moment and
I thought it would be alright to further the topic. We were in need of some
small talk anyway. I brought him up here to talk and we have to start
somewhere.
"What would be the first thing you'd do at the ocean?" I asked.
"Honestly, I'd probably live there for a while. After living in a cage my whole
life it would be nice to wake up to a view of endless water and open skies.
What would you do?"
"Swim, probably. Even though I don't know how. Salt water sounds very
therapeutic. I'd fully take advantage of that and soak it all up."
Eren went on to say that he'll teach me out to swim one day, since he taught
himself at a young age. I waved the offer off. Next he told me about the creek
in his old neighborhood that he used to visit on hot summer days with his
friend Armin. They used to pretend that it was the ocean and play pirates. We
both agreed that living on a giant ship and stealing buried treasure chest
sounded like a good lifestyle to us.
Even though words like 'sea', 'ocean' and 'beach' were merely just words with
no tied sensory to them, I still would love to put an image to those extrinsic
words someday. The legend of the sea might be a myth or maybe the large supply
of salt water dried out by now, but the unlikely hope that the walls will be
free to roam from safety someday will always be a dream of mine.
I realized the odds are slim and I'm no fool to wish for the impossible, but I
hope that the odds play in the right favor one day. The lands beyond the wall
is breathtakingly beautiful and shouldn't remain invisible forever—but the
monsters that dwell in those realms are not beautiful and they are the reason
why I'm trapped inside this horrid place.
For now, all I could do is tease myself with a glace, like a prisoner peeking
between a crack of crumbling brick in his cell at the world he's forbidden
from.
"Well, maybe in our lifetimes we'll be able to go." Eren said wistfully.
"I doubt it."
"Of course you'd say that. You already lived a lifetime."
I closed my eyes painfully tight and pinched the bridge of my nose. "Yeager, I
know you royally suck at math but I am twenty-seven, that is not old."
"If you're a fossil."
I protruded my lips peevishly and restrained my impulses. "Eren—I'm trying to
give you a nice date but you're one wrong word away from being shoved off this
wall."
"Aww," I cringed at the gross sound he made. "You don't have to try anymore,
you already gave me a nice date." Eren lit up with a sweet grin and puffy red
cheeks despite the fact I just threatened to murder him. My own frown
straightened out as I was memorized by that pure happiness radiating from him.
"Hmph." Wry amusement escaped me. "It's weird—really weird." I thought out
loud, my gaze moved to a floating cloud that looked close enough to touch. In
the corner of my eye I caught Eren cocking his head at me with a quick 'hm?'
That look Eren gave me a second ago—it brought me back to when he was a kid.
"You were just some brat that showed up on my doorstep—and now we're here. I
don't know, I just remembered the night we met, that's all."
I couldn't say we made much progress since then, but we went from the very
bottom; below the surface to be exact, and now we're up here—our eyes
witnessing a sight no mere civilian will ever gaze upon in their life. Eren was
by my side all that time, through the good and hard times and even though he
grew and matured (in some ways, not so much in others) he was still by my side,
even after I thought we drifted apart. That bright smile assured me that there
was never any gap between us to begin with.
Eren was just a cranky kid back then, just like he is now—but that just made
his happy moments much sweeter and right now I'm nearly overdosing and entering
a sugar coma from the taste I'm being rewarded with.
The way his eyes would light up the moment he saw me as a kid—it took my breath
away more times than it should have. Like my miserable mug could actually boost
that child's mood; it was and always will be a mystery. Sometimes it felt like
I meant the world to him. He'd look up at me with those big shiny eyes and
tinted cheeks, and follow me around and ramble on excitedly about whatever his
interest was invested in for the day. During this I'd put on a bored face, but
I always made sure to retain every word he spoke carefully.
Although I was a stranger, one he knew was capable of being dangerous, he
accepted me and trusted me more than anyone ever has. I thought it was just the
innocence of a child and he was blissfully unaware of how terrible of a person
I was and I cursed the day he'd outgrow me, but in the end he brought out the
best in me—or should I say—he saw it in me all along.
Most people look at me like they're afraid, like I'm either a mindless
endangerment or that they'll catch an airborne disease from me if they came too
close. The odd-ones-out that don't fit in that category are stupid enough to
underestimate me or just see me as a challenge—or worse, they want to use me
somehow.
Eren is in a category of his own. Somewhere in the center of the two—a very
comfortable middle. He's not stupid enough to underestimate me but he's not
wishy-washy enough to let me walk all over him either.
Other times when he was young, while wearing that endearing expression, he'd
tell me how he wanted to marry me because he loved me. I smiled as I shook my
head. What a foolish brat he was. I never took the proposal seriously,
obviously, because it was coming from a child but how he could always smile and
find new things to make him happy has always inspired and motivated me—my
outlook on life is still pessimistic, but Eren helped me see a few things in a
new light. He helped me push forward during rough times. So many times I've
given up before I met him, but I never thought of that again during these
years. I never wanted to fail him. That will always be my biggest fear, but
when Eren smiles at me like that I'm reminded that I did alright—not
extraordinary, but just alright.
Back then I remember thinking this little boy lost so much, but he was brave
enough to pick up the remaining shards of himself and try again—try to find new
happiness once more. There was never any guarantee or promise he would find it,
but he still pushed and fought until he did. Even if it was just simple
pleasures like participating in a group outing or playing a game together.
Little things like that meant the world to him—and sometimes I'd catch myself
thinking that his reactions meant the world to me.
I couldn't help but say to myself back then that I want him to always be as
happy as he is in the moment. I never wanted to see that smile disappear again.
No more hardships, no more precious treasures taken away from him. I just
wanted pure happiness to remain inside that young boy, and I never wanted to
live to see the day his passion and raw energy burns out.
For the first time in so long, I felt proud of myself. I kept my promise. Even
after all these years, even through all the ups and downs, Eren could still
show me one of those pure smiles, like the one he's wearing now. I must have
done something right and I felt pretty damn accomplished right now.
"You already went into a lot of trouble for my birthday—but can I be selfish
and ask you to do one more thing?
I didn't feel like I did much, so of course I said yes.
"...Could you hold my hand?"
". . . . . ." I stared down at his sole hand rested against the surface beside
me.
"I promise it's clean."
That wasn't the reason why I was hesitating. I felt if I grabbed his hand I was
signing off a contract. That's silly though. I grabbed it tight and Eren's
cheekbones bloomed a hue of red at the sight of our connected hands and the
casting shadow it made. Slowly, we turned our heads back around to the setting
sun.
"Your hand is cold."
"And yours is sweaty. Gross."
Looking at the dome of endless sky and clouds around us, I realize now that
after spending so much time with Eren, this big world filled with undiscovered
mysteries would be very quiet and empty without his kind-heart and that raw
energy of his. I'd pass up the chance to explore the world if it meant Eren was
promised to be safe beside me, always. Smiling and being a troublesome brat.
That's two things I never want to be taken away from him, and I never want that
taken away from me either. When I phrase it like that, it seems selfish but
honestly all I want is for him to be happy and safe.
Whether I tried to avoid admitting it or not, over the years I did indeed let
myself slowly become attached to him. In a way, I no longer feared letting
those I care about break down the walls around me because I knew I had the
power to protect people like Eren, Mikasa, Hanji, even Erwin. These people mean
so much to me and I really don't deserve their company, but they stick by me
anyway. The least I could do in return is care about them.
If it wasn't for Eren teaching me that it's okay to let others in, I would
still be miserable and alone, still trapped inside myself—especially after my
friend's died; I never thought I'd cure from that trauma but without even
knowing it Eren became my crutch to help me keep moving forward.
I'm still not completely free, but when I'm with Eren I come pretty damn close.
Mikasa's fondness over him comes with reason—it took me a very long time to
figure out why she's always dotting over him, but I get it now. Eren has a very
positive effect on people. Benevolently, he teaches others how to live all over
again—he demonstrates from his own experience how people could stand up, brush
themselves off and start over, even during times when there's no do-over in
sight.
I took a deep breath in through the nose—taking in all the fresh air I've been
neglecting my molded lungs from. Unlike the past two months, my body is free of
any worry, doubts or rattling nerves right now because I knew I had the power
to protect him and there's no reason to push him away in fear of losing him.
Just like the first snowy night we met, he's knocking for me right now, wanting
me to let him in. I squeezed his hand tighter at the thought. It's okay to let
him in. It's okay to take care of him and let him change me into a better man.
And maybe...it's okay to let him slowly teach me about the delicate matters he
seems to understand so confidently—like how to commit these muddled feelings I
have toward the one I care about most.
"I still remember the night we met too, by the way." There was a distinct look
in his eyes as he recalled. "I remember it so well."
"Can I ask you something?"
Eren eagerly nodded his head, his curious eyes planted on me.
"What was your first impression of me?"
He had to think about it for a moment. "Honestly—I don't think I had a first
impression. When you first opened up the door, I didn't really care who you
were at first. I was so worried about Mikasa and helping her was all I could
think about. Once you offered us hospitality, though—that's when I had my first
impression on you. I knew you were a kind person from that moment on. As the
days passed and you let us permanently reside with you my impression kept
growing. Then it hit me that I really, really liked you, and it wasn't because
you decided to raise us or your kindness toward two strangers."
"What else is there to like beside my kindness? Hell, I don't even know how you
see me as 'kind' in the first place. I think you're delusional." I'm stumped,
really. Even after all these years I could never figure out what Eren ever
liked about me in the first place. I just figured I was the cause of Eren's
sexual awakening since he saw me at work back then, but according to Eren
there's an emotional attachment to me, not just physical.
"It's hard to say. It's something you can't put into words. There's a lot I
like about you."
My brow lifted skeptically. "Okay, fine. Start with saying everything
you despise about me, then. I'm more interested in that."
Eren sucked in a breath nervously through his teeth. "That's kind of risky. You
have a habit of hitting me when I cross the line and we're fifty meters off the
ground."
"I'll respect the honesty. Not a lot of people are honest with me so I'd like
you to tell me straight up."
"Alright," he leaned back a bit, scratching his chin with a deviant sneer.
"You're facetious and rude, not to mention scary. You're a clean freak with
high standards and horrible foul language, yet you're very finicky about others
using improper speech around you. Which makes you a hypocrite, but don't even
get me started on that subject. You smoke like a chimney and reek of
cigarettes, booze or glass cleaner, or a weird combination of all three. You
talk about shit and piss way too much, even when it's highly inappropriate or
has nothing to do with the situation. You won't ever spell things out for me
and half the time I feel like I have to solve a riddle just to figure out what
you're trying to say, but at the same time you're cruelly blunt with your
insults. You look like you're wishing death on anyone who is even an inch
taller than you, and yet you teased me when I was little for my height. Again,
hypocrite. You rarely smile or laugh, and when you do it's because you're being
an asshole or laughing at your own terrible jokes, and—"
"And? There's more? I should have brought popcorn."
Eren chortled, looked into his lap with a meek look in his eyes. His hand
quivered in mine as he took a deep, rattling breath before continuing.
"And—those are only a few of the reasons why I love you."
I couldn't do nothing but stare at his torturous features—which was caused by
subconsciously squeezing his hand hard enough to cut off circulation. Those
words hit me like stiff plank of wood. Not to mention it sounded much different
than when he recited that as a kid. "You don't—you don't really mean that." I
tried to nudge him to lighten the severity of the mood, but he didn't budge. I
became anxiously still at that. "You just like me, right? There's no reason to
exaggerate."
"I'm not. I really do, Levi. I really do love you."
I clamped up and guarded my emotions, making sure not a single one slipped by
the barricade. "I-I told you to list the shit you hate about me, dumbass."
"About that—there's nothing I hate about you. Even the things I find annoying I
really love—and yes, that means I even love when you call me a bratty kid and
when you make me re-clean the same shit ten times in a row."
A wry smile broke across my face. "I... kind of get what you're saying. Even
though you're a bratty little shit that causes me aneurysms, I still like how
you are and wouldn't want you to change. I really...like you just how you are."
I was relieved that my voice managed to stay in a steady pattern with no
fluctuating—but my heart on the other hand, not so lucky.
He gasped, more surprised at the delivery of my words than me, which is saying
a lot. "So you do really like me. Heh." He swayed his legs off the side with
the goofiest grin you can imagine. "Do you, like, like-like me? Or do you like
me like a—"
"If you say like one more goddamn fucking time—" How the fuck was anything he
said even a proper sentence and still comprehensible? It should be illegal to
say a word that many times in a row. I shook the irritation off. "I've always
liked you, Eren. I just don't really know how much. But—"
"Hm? But what?"
I swallowed dryly. Our small talk has escalated and it's seems that we reached
that time to talk about us—and even though that's exactly what I wanted, I
still had the urge to dodge the topic. But, I took him up here to talk and I
intend to do it. Even if it takes a few minutes to spit out, I will because I
know we need to talk and let everything out.
"It's...hard to explain this in an orderly fashion, so bear with me." Looking
skyward, I took another breath to steady my nerves. "I know it's not a fun
subject to bring up, but the day you were kidnapped...it kind of changed my
outlook on you. It's not like I didn't like you before that, but I just thought
you were a bratty kid that could be cute sometimes, but when I thought I lost
you—I honestly never felt so hopeless and lonely in my life. During your rescue
I asked myself at one point if I would be able to move forward if the situation
went sour and I couldn't get you back—I didn't know the answer at first, but
when someone told me I was too late to save you, I ended up shooting him. That
told me that no, I would not be able to live without you. But I proved him
wrong because you taught me to keep fighting until I win. Because of that
advice, I got you back in my arms and I cried for the first time in almost two
decades."
The images of that day still haunt me and definitely weren't easy to talk
about. I pressed the heel of my palm against my forehead, hoping that would
erase some of the dreary images flashing in my minds eye—but when I thought
about how that day came to a close, with Eren and I were laying together and
talking the night away, those traumatic images were kicked back to the dark
spot in my brain where they belonged and the memory of Eren's tender affection
filled me.
I kept my gaze on my dangling legs off the ledge because I didn't have the
balls to see what kind of expression Eren was wearing, but I could tell he was
listening carefully, just like he did back then.
"That night we talked about everything and anything and I never opened up to
someone like that before. You listened to me without judgment and genuinely
cared about me like no one has before. The things you said to me really stuck
with me and from that moment I knew I felt something different about you—it
wasn't like my relationship with Mikasa and I couldn't figure out why. As you
got older those feelings got stronger but I didn't quite understand them. But
then we grew apart a bit and I thought you didn't like me anymore—and that's
when I realized, as scary as it was, that there was something deep I felt for
you because I still couldn't let go of you despite thinking you let go of me."
"I...I..." Eren stuttered and had to pause to form his words. I waited
patiently. "I kind of thought the same thing. I felt embarrassed for being so
bold while I was a kid and figured you didn't see me that way and the last
thing I ever wanted to do was make you uncomfortable, so I tried to make some
space between us. I never stopped liking you for a second, though."
My shoulders squared as my palm clenched the ridged ledge. "...Me neither."
Cawing birds flew over head, forming a V as they traveled west. I watched them
until they became a tiny black dot and disappeared. They must be returning to
their nest for the night.
"So now that I know you definitely like me, tell me what you like about me."
By the time this night is through, 'like' will no longer sound like an actual
word and I will banish it from my vocabulary. "Can I start off with saying what
I hate about you instead like you did? Only seems fair."
"Psh, you don't need to tell me. You remind me everyday," he rolled his neck
cockily. "Let me guess: You hate that I'm taller than you now and that I do a
crappy job at cleaning. I'm an ungrateful brat that doesn't know how to keep my
temper cool and I never put my clothes in the hamper and instead throw them on
the floor, and I never put the toilet seat down after I piss—"
"You also get piss everywhere. And your hair sheds like a mutt. My bathrooms is
so fucking hairy and pissy because of you."
A nod. "And I'm a crappy cook and baker and stupid and can't even figure out
basic math and I'm a horrible speller."
"Don't forget to add that you're horny brat that masturbates freely despite a
person clearly beside you, just proving how disrespectful you are. And just as
a further 'fuck you' you ejaculate all over the sheets, which I have to clean
because you refuse to do laundry."
"Yup, that I do. It goes without saying that I'm lazy when it comes to doing
anything I don't want to do. And I'm also easily jealous and irrational and
loud and I have a one-track mind once I get set one something."
Eren looked disappointed to see my hand free from his, but I needed to give a
few solid claps at that spot-on presentation. "You took the words right out of
my mouth—are we soul mates?"
He chuckled and bumped his shoulder into mine. "You know, that would've sounded
really romantic if you didn't say it sarcastically, asshole."
I pointed my noise up conceitedly. "It's like you said, I'm facetious."
He shook his head, chuckling down at his folded hands. "God, I love you."
"Uh..." I flinched, my muscles stiffening. "You can...stop saying that now." In
an awkward motion, I scratched the stubble at the back of my head. I didn't
like how he was casually throwing that word around all of a sudden. It was a
change of pace from using 'like', which made 'love' easier on the ears at this
point, but I thought we were on the liking stage—love seems to be pushing it.
Sure, hearing it sent shivers down my spine but it felt like some cheap
lie—it's just too soon.
"Why can't I say I love you?"
I stared at him for a good while with a questionable pout, like I was insulted.
"Why do you love me?"
He chuckled in pleasant surprise, a questioning rise in his shoulders. "Why?
Didn't I just explain this? Did your ears pop or something?"
"I assumed you were just being over dramatic. I thought you just liked me, and
I like you—in some way." I curled my nose, disbelieving. "You really...mean
it?"
"How many more times do I have to say it? I love you, Levi."
A chilling breeze rove over the wall, animating our hair and the fabric of our
clothes. The air traveled away from us just as quick as it came. It became
suffocating still. Hesitantly, yet with little thought, I reached over and
brushed Eren's hair away from his ear, tucking it behind the lope. I ran my
thumb along the cartilage. It was just as cold as the wind that visited us a
second ago.
"Are you seriously checking if my ears are hot right now to see if I'm lying?
You really don't know how to react to affection, do you?"
"You're not lying to me?"
Eren must have noticed the rueful look on my face, and the sorrow soaked words
going through his ears didn't sound any more prideful. I bowed my head in
shame—but soon my head was pulled back up unwillingly. He had cupped my cheeks
in his warm hands and forced my attention to stay on him. There was
determination blooming under his sunken brows. "I'd never say something like
that to you without meaning it. I meant it when I was a kid too, you know."
I cuffed his wrist in hand and pulled them away slowly, my eyes casted to the
side. My cheeks went numb from how burnt they felt. "Thank you."
"...I really appreciate you saying that—it's rare, but I have no idea why I
deserved to be thanked."
"I'm thankful for you loving me...I guess." It sounded so much stupider out
loud than it did in my head. I thought it would be a reasonable reply, but it
just made me sound like a whiny idiot self-pitying myself.
He chuckled in my ear, like he was letting me in on a secret, that tone
vibrated through me. "You're not suppose to thank someone for loving you."
I shrunk in my spot, staring statically but not seeing anything. Eren is being
honest, so I want to be honest too. That's how I felt. I felt thankful. That's
the only time I heard someone say that genuinely to me. When he was young I
didn't take it seriously; kids often tell strangers they love them—but now Eren
was older, he understood what he was saying. And he meant it.
Guilt suddenly invaded me. I scrambled to correct the mistake I unintentionally
made. "Sorry I can't say it back... I'm still adjusting to the idea of liking
you so I just wouldn't want to lie when you're being honest with me. I know
that seems mean but—"
"Levi, easy. No need to explain yourself. I don't need you to return it.
Besides, I rather you wait until you're ready than say it and not mean it. I
know you care about me and that's plenty for me."
"Thanks...for understanding."
"Okay, you're gonna need to stop saying thanks. It's making me uncomfortable."
"Hmph." I smirked, I suppose it does sound a little foreign coming from my
lips. I only say it when I truly believe someone is worthy of being thanked.
Eren definitely was.
Twilight colors smudged across the sky, the mixture of orange and purple, navy
and pink blended into a contrasting gradient until ink spilled across the
bright colors. A canopy of black with pinholes of light shining through tucked
the sky in for the night.
By the time I looked at Eren again, he had his palms holding his weight up
behind him and his neck crooked at an uncomfortable angle. I admired the long
crane of his neck and the way the crescent moon colored his skin. The infinite
view above us should feel unworthy to be seen by those beautiful eyes of his.
As for myself, I couldn't enjoy stargazing as much as I would like. I couldn't
get comfortable and I kept fidgeting in my spot. It might have something to do
with sitting in one position on a hard slab of concrete for over an hour
(friendly update: my ass is beyond numb) but really, I just felt uncomfortable
inside myself and just wanted to break free; like a desperate fly caught in a
spider web. I kept moving and wiggling but I knew there was no escape. My fate
was sealed the moment Eren lured me in.
Fuck, I don't want to be trapped in this emotional shell anymore—but based on
how this evening is going, it's going to crack and I don't know how to deal
with the aftermath of the mess that would make.
For now I tried to repair the damage, but it would only secure so long. These
emotions wanted to come out and they wanted to be heard by Eren; sometime
sooner rather than later.
I haven't thought of my feelings too much today (for the first time in I don't
know how long). All this time, I tried to figure them out internally on my own,
but it wasn't until now that they started making sense to me. It was like this
date was the final countdown until I hatched and now I was ready, just like a
little chick that knew how to break free from its egg despite just being born.
I too knew nothing, yet these instincts are directing me and I intended to
follow through with them without a fight—albeit at my own pace and not as the
motions come because wow that would be a clutter fuck of confusion. I cringe at
the idea of myself nonsensically rambling with lots of hand gestures because
feelings are stupid like that and that's probably the only way I'd transfer my
thoughts to Eren. At this rate—degrading myself like that may be my destiny
with no way around it.
All I know for certain is that I need to talk to Eren and I need to talk to
Eren in a way he'll understand, because if I learned anything about him after
all these years it's that he's an air-headed moron that needs to be spoon fed
everything. He doesn't latch onto hints of vague ideas so when I explain how I
feel, I need explain with words he'll understand because at this point it's not
rejection or guilt I'm fearing, it's misunderstanding. I've been doing okay so
far, if I say so myself, but there's still so much I need to tell him, so much
I need to make clear between us.
I tried to arrange the words neatly in my head—it started off good once I got
going, but when I got on a roll all the words piled up into a collision and it
was a fucking disaster. I'm no closer to explaining myself than I am from the
ground right now.
Agitatedly, I pulled my bangs roughly up, like the tickle against my lashes was
all the blame for not thinking clearly. During the movement, I pushed my head
back in time to see a rare sight.
Between the specs of white glitter dusted along cosmic spread, a star had flown
past, carving a perfect white line into the night sky.
"Did ya see that?" Eren's tone spiked with amazement. I gave a quick utter in
reply. "My mom used to tell me you're supposed to make a wish when you see a
shooting star."
"Really? I never heard that one before." Which came as a surprise. My friends
were whiz's when it came to astronomy and I picked up a lot from them, but then
again they weren't exactly the gullible type that believed in myths.
"What did you wish for?"
"I didn't make one, I don't believe in wishes."
Eren rolled his eyes sarcastically and rephrased. "Okay, what would you wish
for if you knew it would come true."
I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I'd wish that everyone I know stays safe. I
know, it's lame."
He giggled in his hand. "That's such a Levi-thing of you to say."
"Well fucking excuse me for being Levi."
"It's not a bad thing, it's cute. But you should be more selfish about it. It's
a wish after all."
"Then happiness, I guess. It's not that I'm miserable, but, you know." I didn't
want to get too specific about a wish that had no guarantee to come true. I
kept it simple, but honest.
There was a long silence. "It's gonna come true."
"I don't believe in wishing on stars."
"Doesn't matter. I'm going to make sure your wish comes true. Fuck the stars,
I'll make it happen myself."
The honesty in his voice almost made me mistake the promise for a fact. I
didn't have the strength to start asking him how he'd accomplish that, so I
moved on with the conversation, "What did you wish for?"
A shameful expression appeared and he tried to hide in his hand. "It's super
lame—but my wish sort of came true already. Being alone with you like this, on
a date, talking—it really means the world to me, Levi."
"I didn't really do anything though. I couldn't even return your feelings."
"Doesn't matter. I know you like me in your own Levi-way and that's something
I'm grateful for. I feel really special." He let his gaze fall to his lap,
perhaps to relax his strained neck. "I don't care how long it takes, I will
make you happy if you let me. You don't have to love me or be my boyfriend
right now, there's no pressure."
The moon reflected a twinkle off the tear streaming down his face—and I
couldn't figure out why he started crying until he starting talking again.
"My memory is fuzzy here and there, but I still remember that night when I was
twelve and I confessed to you for the first time. You told me if we were still
in touch you'd think about giving me a chance when I got older. Now that I am,
I'm begging you to think about it. If you do I'm sure that someday, maybe far
into the future, you'll return those feelings when you're ready. I know it's
not easy for you—if you do actually like me then I can just imagine how hard
it's been for you. I already know you have commitment and separation issues,
Levi. I'm an idiot but it's not hard to see that you lost people and you're
afraid to be hurt and alone again—but I'm never going anywhere. That's
an unbreakable promise. You wanted to know my real wish, Levi, and being with
you is the only thing I will ever selfishly ask of you. So please, give me a
chance. I promise you'll never regret it."
My lips parted, trying to form a millions words at once after I realized that I
probably should have replied to him minutes ago, but by the time his words sunk
in it was already too awkwardly late. There's so much I want to say but
couldn't put into words—I couldn't even describe how I felt in the other
languages I knew. There were no words, but I still tried to make them, but only
a tiny, intelligible sound came out before it was overrun by a blasting sound.
A pop ran through my body and the color red tinted the surroundings for miles.
A fizzing, crackling noise faded out and Eren hooked his head around in time to
catch a sparkling stream sprout up and a green effusion ignited within the sky.
"Uwa! I haven't seen fireworks since I was a kid!"
His smile was brighter and livelier than the spectacle in the sky. The smell of
smoke reached our noses from a cool night breeze passing through. This must be
from the festival going on below us in Wall Sina.
As the show continued, Eren watched in wonder. He looked just like a child
again. His eyes reflected the radiant hues in the sky, transitioning from
purple, to blue to pink and yellow and every color you can imagine. Watching
him is far more beautiful than anything the sky could show me. The colorful
display honestly paled in comparison. I kept watching the show from his eyes
until he turned to face me, his smile gentle.
But unfortunately his lips straightened out and his eyes dulled in worry. "What
is it? Why are you looking at me like that? Why aren't you watching the
fireworks?"
"Okay Eren. I will." It came out quickly in one short breath. I swallowed hard
and keep subtly nodding my head, trying to convince myself more than him.
"Okay...then...Heh. Why are you still looking at me, then?"
My brows sunk, confused. Then I realized I answered something from ten fucking
minutes ago. "I...I meant..."
"What's wrong? Are you alright?"
My heart was going off faster than the flares rocketing into the night sky.
Eren never had the best attention span, which made me even more anxious for not
only for what I was about to do, but for answering a question he moved on from.
But it hasn't been that long because I didn't need time to think about it—not
anymore. I didn't need to worry about regretting the wrong choice anymore. The
only thing I'd regret is not going through with what I want right now, and what
I want right now and what I've been wanting for years is...
"Eren." I called out his name like I've never done before. I didn't hold back.
I said it with all the emotion I could summon and that's when I realized that
his name was the word I've been searching for all this time. I don't need to
look up a correct phrase to convey my feelings. I didn't need to find metaphors
or come up with analogies. All I had to do was say his name as needy, selfishly
and desperately as I could and every emotion pinned to it and let loose from me
like a colorful explosion in the sky. The weight that lifted off me was
heavenly.
Now that I'm looking at them out in the open, I still couldn't pick apart or
understand what these feelings meant, but they were out and I knew now that it
was okay to have these feelings. They're not completely harmless, but they're
not lethal either. There's no reason to be afraid anymore—Eren assured me of
this and he's not one to lie about something like that. When I proved this to
myself, every restraint holding me back rusted and shattered into pieces. I was
tied down for so long. Tied down by self-pity, by fear, by misunderstanding. So
many unnecessary restraints had me locked up for too long, but now I'm free and
I have absolutely no crippling control holding me back anymore.
I tried to speak but my voice ended up cracking like an adolescent boy talking
to a cute girl with pigtails. I covered my mouth in shame. Closing my eyes, I
mumbled into my palm, voice drain off all emotions so I wouldn't hit he same
embarrassing note twice. I gave no warning. I unhinged my mind and let
everything rupture out. "I like you Eren. I fucking really, really like you.
Everything about you is just so comforting to me. I never really had a home, I
bounced everywhere and sometimes I had no roof at all but you make me feel like
I have a safe, warm home I can always return to where I can be myself and be
safe from the world that misunderstands me and hurts me. You—You're fucking
precious to me, Eren. You're so innocent and kind but you still pack enough
bite to keep me from getting bored. And you're so—attractive.
Like really attractive. Seriously, how dare you. Do you know how much you
fucking kill me when you roam around with no shirt on and your pants
dangerously low? Or the way you make me feel when you swipe a hand through your
messy hair and give me a smirk? Just—fuck you. You put me through hell and now
you're adding to it by being an adorable little shit up here. How much do you
think I can take before I do something illegal to you?!"
Eren's lips flapped desperately like a dying fish out water as I stopped to
catch my breath, even though I was far from done. I wheezed like I just took on
a Titan with my bare hands and grasped the fabric covering my hammering heart.
I swallowed, pulled Eren from my visual range and made a minor shift in my
tone, which made me sound more pathetic. "I want to give you—give us—a chance
and I want to see what happens between us, if that's what you want. This is
what I want too but I'm honestly fucking terrified. Although, I don't really
give a shit anymore because all I want to do is make you happy and fulfill
every goddamn wish your heart desires, you ungrateful asshole." I needed to add
that final bite at the end because I would have puked in my shaky hand
otherwise if I hadn't from the disgusting aftertaste of that sappy speech. A
pained expression revealed when I dragged my hands down my face, my blushing
skin taut as I pulled.
"Levi..."
"Don't say anything—not yet." I snapped, cutting him off—not to be rude but
because Eren sounded one word away from full-blow blubbering and I don't think
I have it in me to pat his back and hold a handkerchief to his snotty nose.
Plus, I didn't want to shift the mood between us right now, not after I got
this far.
Eren stared doe-eyed at me, even as I reached for his neckband. I clawed at his
shirt until I had enough fabric bundled in my fist to yank him forward. Time
felt like it entered a slow time interval; every second stretched for hours as
I tugged him to me. I'm sure it was quite the opposite for Eren. Time probably
speed up and everything was happening too fast—but even though I had plenty of
time to stop myself I couldn't—no, I wouldn't. The chains are off and I have no
idea how long it will be until I'm trapped again. I have to do it now or never.
One last shudder of air traveled between my mouth before it was blocked by
Eren's soft lips. I closed my eyes tight and puckered my lips harder against
his that were vibrating wildly. Eren was forced to lean back some and catch
himself from falling from the intense force I drove in with—I'm surprised I
haven't knocked him down completely from the lack of restraint I held.
My heart pounded in my chest and jolts shot through me. Energetic surges rushed
through my body but my mind went completely blank and it felt fucking great.
All I felt was fuzziness in the back of my skull and numbness from head to
neck—except for my lips; they hogged up all the sensations. They tingled as
they swiped smoothly over Eren's slippery lips and soon his saliva coated mine
and the taste was better than I imagined.
The kiss became so desperate, so greedy, and it had every damn right to be. We
held back on this for too long, especially Eren, and we were entitled to
selfishly indulge in this moment as much as we wanted.
So much desire filled my lips until he couldn't even keep up with the nibbles I
was leaving, switching from top to bottom lip, trying to not leave a single
spot untouched.
My fingers messaged into his scalp as I scooted closer and changed the rhythm
by tilting my head to the other side. I didn't bother counting, but I left what
felt like a dozen quick, needy pecks on him as I held his head steadily in
place. After a lengthy, noisy last kiss, we parted and I shot my eyes fiercely
up to his and they belatedly welcomed me when they partially slit open.
Strong eye contact and wheezing breaths were made between us. Eren gave himself
a second to regenerate before going in again for another kiss—but we ended up
clipping noses instead. I flinched.
"Easy, take it slow." I said in a whisper and bit my lip after because I just
craved to kiss him more right now and that need will probably never be
satisfied. I wanted to kiss those lips that said all those sweet things—the
same lips that always say the right thing at the right time, that said he loved
me and assured me of better days ahead when I was glum in a rut. And lastly,
the same lips that reminded me that I'm still human and deserved to be happy.
Those sweet, sweet lips deserved a long awaited treat after all they've done.
After a solid nod, he tilted his head (a step he previous skipped) and went in
again.
But this time—Eren's lips (and just about all of him) were as stiff as my
muscles on a Monday morning after working all weekend. I caught him by surprise
before, before he could even realize we were kissing, but now the realization
caught up with him and so did his nerves.
"Stop puckering your lips together like that. Leave them parted a bit."
"S...Sorry I'm just really nervous. A-And I suck at this," he said in brash,
broken symbols.
"You do, but its expected with your first kiss. Just let me take the lead."
Holding his trembling shoulders, I pressed my lips gentle into his and sucked
on his bottom lip before nudging his mouth open and slipping my tongue inside.
Unexpectedly, he pulled back. I grimaced.
"W-What are you doing...?"
"I'm..." I cut myself off to lifted a brow. I was about to explain but I
stopped just to see if he was serious and actually needed an explanation.
He blinked at me with a stupid, yet adorable look was on his face. Seems like
he's dead serious and waiting. Of fucking course he is.
"I'm trying to French kiss you. Haven't you ever heard of that?"
"Well I'm not French so..."
"...You have to be fucking kidding me, Eren." I massaged my throbbing temple.
"Even if I was a little turned on—and I really was—you just turned me off with
your stupidity."
"Well excuse me for not being French!"
"You don't need to be!" I raised my voice over his, because wow—he's either
beyond stupid or extremely innocent and I didn't have the patience to deal with
neither. "It's just what kissing with your tongue is called. It's awkward to
explain so just part your lips and follow my lead."
But Eren is an impatient boy—an impatient boy who did not listen and instead
rammed his mouth into mine and nearly knocked my teeth out.
"Christ."
"...I'm sorry." We wordlessly decided to call it half-time instead of going
right in for another attempt. Eren tried to smile, but it came off as a wavy
curl. "Was your first kiss this awkward?"
"I honestly don't remember. Give me a beer and I might." All suppressed
memories come back with alcohol, after all "Anyway, here's another tip:
Remember to breath through your nose. Your filling me up like a damn hot air
balloon."
"I'll keep it noted." He giggled and leaned into me. I was about to think I was
in for another horrible attempt, but his chin landed on my shoulder instead and
his arms snugged around me. I returned the embrace without even thinking and
lifted my chin to his shoulder.
"Thank you." He sniffed and soon my sleeve became damp. "I feel like you really
did drop me on the way here. This can't be really happening."
All the tense knots in my face untangled as I rubbed his back to comfort this
sniveling idiot clinging to me. I tried to conquer the endearing smile
threatening to dominate my lips as I pet the back of his head, but my lips only
stretched wider. Before I pulled away, I kissed the cartilage of his ear and
tried to suppress the smile the best I could.
"You're tense as fuck." I slapped a hand down on my thigh, trying to lighten
the mood because Eren looked a beat away from a heart attack.
"Can you blame me? The guy I've been crushing on for three years just kissed me
on the lips."
That's so fucking cute and I had to turn my head to hide the stupid look on my
face from him. Thankfully, my ass feeling like it was being attacked with pins
and needles distracted me from melting down. I stood up and stretched the
cramps out. Eren didn't seem to have any physical pain from sitting that
long—I'm envious and I'm also getting old despite drilling the opposite into
Eren's head.
"You sound like an old man after a nap." Eren darted a bratty smirk up at me
while I freed a grunt as I reached my hands skyward.
"If you want to live to see an old age yourself, you oughta shut up."
"I'm just saying~" He lifted himself up with ease and free of muscle spasms.
I eyed him up and down with jealousy and slowly let my stretched arms descend
down. "Tch. Fuck the young." My eyes narrowed. "...That came out wrong."
"Nah, you totally meant that, old men are always trying to pick up people who
are sexy and half their age."
I pat him on the shoulder and walked passed him, "Let me know when you find
someone like that for me."
He whorled around with fury. "Oh please, you totally find me sexy and you know
it."
"Psh," I cracked an uneasy sneer because fuck did he hit the nail right on the
head and I didn't know how to naturally react. "Maybe after a few drinks I
would—speaking of which, do you wanna grab a drink before we go home?"
"Drink? As in...an illegal drink?"
"Stop being dramatic, it's not illegal."
"I'm fifteen."
"Well—kissing you is kind of illegal too but I don't see you having a problem
with that."
He snickered and pushed up a shrug. "I'm down for it if you are, but just as a
warning; I have no idea how I act when I drink."
"It's alright, I'm not letting you drink enough to get drunk. Just a glass or
two of something mild. It won't get you tipsy but it will untangle your nerves
a little."
"Sounds good to me. Then maybe you can teach me that French kiss..."
"Yeah," I kicked a loose pebble off the cliff of the ledge. "I'll teach you
more than that too."
"Like what?"
"I'll tell you after a drink." Because the only way I'd be able to spit
something like that out was after a drink. Eren isn't the only ones battling
his nerves right now.
"Oh...shit." Eren had wondered off to the edge of the wall, looking down at
Wall Sina.
"Hm?" I approached him from behind.
"I...don't know if I can go down with you like the way we came up—now that I
can see the drop myself."
"It's really safer than it looks. I used to do this all the time when I lived
in Sina before I met you."
"Yeah but I'm the one not strapped to any gear, but you are. If you drop me I'm
dead."
"If I drop you, I'd speed up and catch you—but really, I never would. I think
you should know by now that I'm stronger than I look."
"I know but..." I imagine it must be a little daunting for him. I'm efficient
with 3D Maneuver Gear, I know we're in good hands, but it's not as easy to
convince Eren. This is one of the main reason I put a blindfold on him before
in the first place. Admittedly, I forgot to think about how he'd react to the
trip down.
"There's elevators that go up and down the Walls, you know."
I sarcastically tapped my forehead with a flat palm, like I forgot all about
it. "Oh yeah, let me just hop on one and wave to the Garrison soldiers
operating it at the bottom as I depart."
"Is there really no other way?"
"Nope—suck it up and hold on."
It goes without saying that by the time our feet reached the ground again, my
ear was ringing and my head was throbbing with an incurable headache. Damn
Eren's big mouth.
Before we could stop for a drink, we made a slight detour home so I could drop
off my gear. I told Eren to wait outside for me since I'd only take a few
minutes—but my visit didn't go as quick as I planned.
"Where is Eren?" The second I step foot in the threshold, Mikasa charged toward
me like a raging bull and before I could blink I was pinned against the door.
"Did you drop him you weak little man?!"
I lifted my hands in surrender. "Holy shit Mikasa—he's outside because we're
going back out. I'm just dropping this shit off."
Damn. This girl has definitely been eating too much protein lately to be able
to knock me off balance—I didn't even know that was possible. How much does
this chick weigh?
"Oh. I-I'm sorry. I just—" She loosened her hold on me awkwardly and casted her
gaze to the side timidly. I couldn't blame her for jumping the gun—especially
after our fight earlier; she was beyond worried about letting me take Eren up
on the wall and even though I eventually convinced her, she still had mixed
concerns about the idea. Eren's that kind of idiot you get deeply attached to.
Seems like Mikasa and I have yet another thing in common.
"She's been a worried wreak, is what she's been. Right Mike?" Hanji butted in,
as usual, from the living room.
"Yep. Nonstop talking about Eren all night. And a lot of unfriendly words about
you, Levi."
I shot Mikasa a glare, she played innocent with a fake smile and shrugging
shoulders. I would have chewed her out for talking shit about me, but then my
eyes landed back to the couch at Mike, and his bare feet on my fucking coffee
table, and what Hanji was doing to him.
"...What the hell are you doing to that man's toes?"
"Painting them." She concentrated on laying down another coat before she lifted
up her own stubby toes and wiggled them in the air. "See? We're all getting
pedicures tonight."
"...I told you not to do anything weird."
"You're just jealous because you weren't invited to get your toes painted."
"Where are you and Eren going now?" Mikasa broke off the idiotic exchange and I
nearly thanked her for that.
"Just to a tavern down the block, we'll be back no later than midnight."
"WAIT," Hanji suddenly leaped off the coach and waddled in an awkward stride to
not smudge her fresh coat of paint on her toes. She appeared beside me and
slammed the door shut and blocked it with her big-ass body. "Before you leave,
tell me what happened on the wall first."
"Nothing, move."
"No, you're lying. You—" She adjusted her glasses and came within two inches of
my face. Heaving my neck back, I curled my lip in disgust. "Yeah
something definitely happened. There's less wrinkles around your eyes and
forehead and you have some color in your face."
Mikasa grabbed my shirt, lightly tugging it to get my attention.
"What?" I bit back at her.
A tentative voice leaked out, "Did Eren have fun?"
"Oh." I wasn't expected that. I looked up. "I think so, yeah."
"Did you?"
"...Yeah, I guess."
"Did you have time to talk and stuff?"
"Yes, but now isn't the time to—" All these questions one after the other left
me feeling disorganized.
Hanji side-stepped in front of Mikasa. "Did you kiss?"
"Yea—" My eyes protruded and shot at Hanji with the intensity of a cannon.
"Wait..."
"AH—HA!"
What a fucking cheap trick—she should be ashamed of herself and I should be
ashamed for falling for it.
"You kissed Eren?" Mikasa eyes bloomed like new born flowers; the color in her
eyes intensifying.
I blindly (and desperately) reached for the knob and I backed into the door.
Right now, I felt like an unarmed solider trapped between two towering Titans
with stupid looks on their faces. The handle jiggled until I finally landed a
firm hold on it. "I have to go. He's waiting."
"Waiting for another kiss," Hanji nudged Mikasa. "Am I right or am I right?
Heuhe~" She winked, but it looked more like an insane twitch.
I walked out the door and shouted back, "You better be gone by the time I come
back, shitty-glasses," then shamed the door and climbed down the stairs where
Eren greeted me with a laugh. "You and Hanji are getting along as usual, I
see—uh, wait." The sudden switch in Eren's tone had me tilting my head. His
eyes were directed downward.
"You forgot to..."
I followed his gaze. My gear was still equipped and strapped to my hips. Those
fucking morons distracted me so much until I rushed out of the house and forgot
why I was there in the first place.
I frowned as I slowly twisted my had back at my front door. I made a
temperamental face when I realized I'm going to be assaulted with questions a
second time and I may not be luckily enough to come out unscathed once I go
back in there.
"They were that bad, huh?"
"Yes." I tossed my head agitatedly. "They sorta tricked me into telling them we
kissed, so there's that."
Eren's cheeks turned violently pink and he set his eyes on something far away
as he rubbed along the fabric of his sleeve bashfully. "O-Oh. I guess that's
fine...It's not like there's anything wrong with kissing you."
"Oh yeah?"
"...Yeah." Tucking his hands into his pocket, he smiled smittenly and I fought
back the urge to tell him to stop being so goddamn adorable. I pressed my body
against his and lured him by the neck down to my level where I met his lips
softly. I didn't want to overwhelm him again so I kept the kiss simple—but it
still sent a flutter through my chest.
The kiss would have lasted longer if it wasn't for the shrilling screech that
came within the general direction of my home. I reluctantly teared away from
his lips and scoped out the area—and that's when I saw it. Three pair of spying
eyes were peaking out through the blinds of my house—the height in which the
eyes landed made it clear who was guilty. Of course that nosy bitch got a nice
center view for herself, that behavior is expected—but Mike and Mikasa too? You
gotta be kidding me.
"That's it." I unlatched the straps of my gear and let it drop hard to the
ground, then kicked the bulky thing until it scrapped along the pavement to the
bottom step.
Incoherent yelling came from within the house and the door swooshed open after
heavy stomps rattled the foundation. "Hey! Be careful with my gear! If that
gets dented I'll get in trouble!"
"Oh, it's your gear?" I grinned at Hanji in a way that made her eyes widen
knowingly. "Silly me, I was being gentle with it because I thought it was
Mike's." I charged my boot back and kicked hard enough to put the Colossal
Titan to shame, leaving a dent in the machines shiny new surface.
"LEVI!"
Walking off without a care, I placed Eren's hand in mine and flicked her off
with the other.
Chapter End Notes
     So! How do you guys feel about the babes being official now? :3 Hehe
     SO MUCH FLUFF AND SMUT FROM HERE ON OUT! \o/ Their date will continue
     in the next chapter and when they get home Eren will
     lose...something. ;)
***** Future *****
Chapter Summary
     It's Eren's first time inside a tavern, but he's more excited just to
     be there with Levi. At one point in the emotionally-driven night,
     Levi reveals a long lost dream of his. Eren vows to turn that dream
     into their future.
Chapter Notes
     First off, sorry for the long wait—and I'm also sorry to announce
     that this chapter is mainly the rest of their date. In other words, I
     accidentally lied and there's no smut until they get home. I'M SORRY.
     JUST CALL ME MS. DISAPPOINTMENT. My life has been hectic after I
     moved and I've also been busy setting up an online shop for SnK
     plushies~! \o/ (Psst. They're really cute and need a good home, so if
     you're interested, check out AttackOnPlushies on Etsy. /shameless
     self-advertising spam over.
     One last thing, there's a modern song mentioned in this chapter
     (Dance With Me - Nouvelle Vague) but since this is fanfiction, let's
     all just pretend the song exists in their timeline, okay? XD;
See the end of the chapter for more notes
                                _~Eren's_POV~_
When I was younger, I always wondered about the places Levi disappeared to at
night during his days as a prowling night owl; waking up in the evening and
taking off until dawn to do God knows what. His schedule had since changed, but
when I first met him, I'd turn face to the ceiling as I laid in bed, pondering
about him and trying to picture the places he'd leave to when he'd go out.
The brattier, judgmental version of myself figured a thug like him was up to no
good, probably selling drugs and mugging people—of course I was proven wrong
when I got to know Levi better, but one night my curiosity toppled me like a
crumbling roof and I couldn't take the guessing anymore. In a fury I heaved
myself out of bed and caught up with him on the streets, keeping a close
distance in the shadows until he entered a shabby building.
That's the night I discovered for myself what his "job" was. I still think that
following him to work that night was the best decision I ever made, despite all
the consequences of Levi wrath and dealing with whacked out hormones surging
through my young body. I haven't learned my lesson though, because I followed
him out again when we moved to the underground and I saw for myself that he
kept his same occupation. That, too, is a plan I do not regret following
through with.
Other times when he wasn't working, he'd leave Mikasa and I at home, departing
with the claim of going out drinking at bar. I asked him once, out of innocent
curiosity why he didn't just stay home and drink, but he'd say he needed to get
away from brats for a while and see people his own age. It was understandable
desire—he'd work hard everyday to make sure the rest of our childhood was
enjoyable and see to it that we were always taken care of. Mikasa and I were
always his top priority, so if the guy wanted to drink out and have some me-
time, so be it.
While I would wait for him to return home, I'd entertain myself with trying to
imagine how he'd look there, and even though I knew he probably had company I
always saw him alone in my imagination, on a lone stool nursing a drink and
lost in his thoughts. As much as my imagination would run with thoughts of him
while he wasn't present, I never was able to create an accurate depiction of a
setting of a bar, since I've never saw the inside of one—until now.
This is kind of exciting; not only did I receive my first kiss tonight, but I
was freely waltzing through the front doors of a tavern. I had a certain look
on my face; I could feel the bold smirk tugging up my cheeks.
With both of those first time experiences checked off the list, I feel like a
proper young adult now—that is until mild disappoint settled upon me. The
interior wasn't all that impressive as I imagined it'd be once I made my full
evaluation inside. I immediately questioned to myself why anyone (let
alone Levi) would actively spend their nights in a dark, noisy place like this;
filled to the rim with rowdy criminals rumbling with hostility, flirtatious
woman wearing unlimited amounts of perfume and make up, and cackling drunks
spilling their foamy mugs all around as they laughed at stale jokes that were
decades in age. Certainly, this atmosphere didn't suit Levi much at all.
I guess I just figured he'd like to spend his time and money in a classier
joint, somewhere quieter with a calm group of locals. But then again, Levi is a
thug slash stripper that works in one of the skankiest clubs the inner walls
have to offer. When you take into account the vast amount of liquor bottles
displayed along the walls, that might be what keeps him visiting time after
time. Admittedly, he did have a bit of a drinking problem, but he knew how to
handle himself and therefore I never stressed about it or made it into a rising
issue.
The décor resembled any other worn-down restaurant in the underground, now that
I did a full three-sixty glance around. A counter wrapped around one side of
the room with booths lined up on the other. In the middle laid a free open
space of creaky floor boards that looked in desperate need of a sudsy
washing—Levi undoubtedly noticed this and looked like he was walking on glass
as he maneuvered around the stains and dust balls, cursing the filth wedging in
the crevices of his shoes.
The unoccupied space we crossed, skirted with scattered, shabby tables, is
probably a dance floor of some sorts that was put to use by the stage emitting
music at the back of the club. No one seems to be on their feet, though, other
than a few huddled groups of chattering thugs and servers running around with
trays of foamy drafts fresh from the keg.
Currently a singer and her live band were playing soft, soothing music. The
instrumental melody played off a rhythm from the piano and her vocals heavenly
tamed the rough crowd held up at the counter—or maybe they calmed for a
different reason. I couldn't help but notice the thugs pause their conversation
mid-way just to haul their unsettled glances at Levi as he continued to strut
careless pass them, with myself parading a toe length behind.
It was like Levi didn't notice their presence at all, but it was as if they
caught onto his scent and lowered their heads like intimidated prey as a
superior animal prowled near. If I'm not mistaken, I could almost swear that
Levi's old reputation as a thug on the surface transferred down here—or he
recently made a new name for himself. I could only hope it was the former. I
knew Levi still had a bad habit of stealing and fighting (mainly because
I start the fights and he finishes them to protect me) but I wouldn't want him
to deal in anything illegal or too risky anymore.
Whatever the case may be, the tough guys that itched for a troublesome brawl
didn't unsettled me as much as they did when I first arrived because luckily
they didn't look stupid enough to start anything while Levi's around.
I relaxed a little and let my focus fall back on Levi and the fact that our
date was still in process. I smiled and followed his lead in a lovestruck daze
while letting myself enjoy the song currently being performed.
It felt refreshing to listen to some music that didn't come from Levi for a
change, but he'll still always be my favorite musician. He's the one who
introduced me to music in the first place and taught me every song I currently
have memorized. As shy as he is about it, he's a wonderful singer and I can
proudly say I'm his biggest fan. But even so, the band sounded great and I was
beginning to take back my first impression of this place. The laid back vibe,
never ending drinks and live music combined made quite the hang out. I could
easily see how such a place could become a paradise to Levi—and I'm happy he
brought me here with him.
Looking around as much as I was, I failed to look in the most important
direction: in front of me. I ended up ramming right into Levi's back when he
had stopped short in front of an empty booth, deemed by him as clean enough. A
group of harmless drunks and a couple toasting for a celebration of some sorts
were in the neighboring booths on either side.
Levi barely noticed the collision I caused, though, because he's built like a
damn sturdy tree and I didn't inconvenience him in the slightest, but I still
felt ashamed for being such a klutz.
Recovering from the embarrassment of bumping into him, I took a step back and
let him slide in longways into the narrow bench, then set down my jittery
weight after.
Drumming my knuckles nervously as I let out a breath that rattled my lips, I
peeked over at Levi across the way. In the dusky lighting, not a trace of blue
could be found in his eyes, only a small glimmer reflected off his blackened
irises from the bouncing flame between us. A warm glow dyed his pale skin and
light and shadows played on his features.
Those narrow eyes of his didn't linger on me long—they slide to the side
boredly in search of something more interesting than me. He waved down the
barmaids attention when he found her in the herd of drunks. While we waited for
her assistance, he let his eyes roam over the stage, a sole finger tapping to
the beat on the clipped wooden table and those full lips I owned not long ago
tucked together ponderously.
I couldn't exactly distinguish what sort of mood he had entered. I decided it's
wisest to treed carefully.
"You seem to like the music." I said in a desperate attempt to end the silence
between us. He took a while to answer—and I figured he might have not heard me
over all the noise, or simply tuned me out unintentionally. He has such a
focused face—like he's concentrating on every passing note and letting it ripe
in his ears.
"Yeah." He belatedly answered. "I have a thing for pianos. Don't ask why."
My lips curled into a wavy smirk. Saying that is begging me to question
further. "Are you telling me not to ask why because you want to draw
curiosity—or you really don't want to tell me why?"
"Neither."
"...Okay." I looped the string holding the key around my neck out of nervous
habit, my eyes flitting above, hoping a conversation starter was carved
somewhere within the crikey ceiling. "Do you know how to play the piano?" I
continued to play with the key, sliding it around the string as I displayed
pleading eyes, clearly desperate to latch onto a subject Levi would take off
from—but nothing I said would lift off the ground.
"No."
I don't know if he's intentionally trying to keep up this mysterious image, but
that's exactly what he's doing. Even after he told me so much I still feel like
I only filled my jar with a scarce amount of grains. Sometimes, I wish he'd
pour his heart out to me and let that jar fill to the rim. I released the key,
it rang a chime as I fussily propped my elbow on the table and let my puffed
cheek fall in my palm.
I really shouldn't be greedy, this is why I'm called a brat to begin with.
He's done enough; I shouldn't wish for more. He poured out enough of his heart
tonight, more than I ever thought he would. I know that must have taken a lot
out of him (it took a lot from me just listening to all those sweet words I
never even imagined his lips forming and that hypnotizing deep voice of his
reciting).
Prior to the date, I didn't even bother hoping for such a confession to carry
out—just the thought seemed too far-fetched for even my colorful imagination to
believe. I deduced it was best not to get my hopes up and latch onto
unobtainable wishes, for the time being, but simply put, Levi had knocked me
off my feet and left me breathless.
Even now after everything was said and done and the night is growing old and my
birthday is coming to a close and I feel satisfied with everything that
happened...there's still so much I want to do with him, so much I wants to ask
him and so many memories I want to make with him. I don't want this night to
ever end. I just want to hear him talk for hours and kiss another thousand
times while he thinks of more to say.
I'm selfish and greedy and I don't care—I need to know even more about him.
It's unreasonable to get a satisfying amount of information in one sitting, I
know, but I want to start, make a bigger chip in his armor than the one I made.
No, screw petty chips—I want completely demolish his armor concealing all his
privacy and know everything—that way, I might understand him better. I'll know
my limits or when I did something wrong or areas I could improve in. When Levi
is silent and unreadable like he is now, I want to understand him well enough
to know why without him explaining exactly what is wrong or if there's even
anything wrong to begin with. I could just be paranoid and this could be his
way of dealing with nerves or stress, but I'll never know unless I pick him
apart and learn everything about him.
Since he hid the fact that he did have some sort of feelings for me, it's only
natural to believe he's hiding even more juicy secrets regarding me and his
past and all the other mysteries that morphed the man seated before me now. I
was completely unaware of how he felt, and now that I knew it begged more
questions—like what else occupies his mind when he's sitting there quietly? Are
his thoughts restless or organized? Overall, what else is he held up inside
that mysterious facade? I want to know it all—I want to screw a million
questions loose right here on the spot, faster than my tongue could keep up
with and then have him answer them all one-by-on in detail.
But...That's my immaturity speaking. I can't get too ahead of myself and scare
him off, like Mikasa had warned. Her advice never steered me wrong before. For
right now, the best course of action is to take a breather, clear my head and
take it slow.
My eyes closed as I shoved the impatience into submission and loosened my tense
fists on the table. Just enjoy the rest of the night with him and worry about
personal issues later, I coached myself. The date isn't over yet and there's
still plenty of time for me to royally fuck up my one chance. Everything has
been going better than expected, so I'll take more time spent with Levi and his
lips over messing up the whole affair any day.
Another song from the live band came and went and we were still sitting there
with nothing to talk about and unattended by the busy barmaid (which seemed to
irritate him). Levi's been quiet, still. He hasn't said much to me on the way
here, other than a few quick replies and mundane questions; like if I wanted a
menu since I haven't eaten much today. I simply explained that not long ago I
was flying around fifty meters off the ground and just went on a date with the
guy I'm in love with—that gave him his answer, that no, I could not hold
anything down right now even if I tried. The conversation didn't go any further
than that.
Now that I think about it, he barely spoke to me since we left the wall. He
spoke so much then (nearly a month supply in one breath). I assumed that maybe
he dried his tongue out; that he'll feel a little more motivated to latch onto
a conversation after he quenches his thirst. As for myself, the flavor of
Levi's lips still tingled in my mouth; my tongue undergoing sensations it never
has before. I can still taste him and I couldn't describe it, but I loved the
aftertaste and I feared drinking a drop of anything would overrun this rich
flavor coursing through my mouth.
Indecisive on what to order, (or really, trying to figure out what alcoholic
drink I would actually like) I let Levi order his drink first to give me more
time to think. When the server returned with his drink, he slid it toward me,
dragging a smear of condensation across the table (and then promptly absorbing
the moist trail with a napkin). A questioning brow lifted and I guess looking
at a mug of beer like a complicated puzzle had left Levi feeling obligated to
spell out his intentions.
"Just take a sip. If you like it, I'll order your own glass for you. If not,
we'll figure out what you would like."
"Are you sure I won't get in trouble? I'm not of age..."
"If anyone asks—which they wont—just say you are. They serve to teenagers all
the time. Money is money and they don't care who it's coming from."
"Well, if you say so." I took his word for it and daringly picked up the mug of
foamy beer, which proved to be heavier than it looked and cautiously brought it
to my lips. A whiff of the bubbly liquid rose up into my nose—it smelt just
like Levi after a long night of work, in other words, it's a smell I'm very
used to.
Some dumb part of me thought it was a great idea to drink my first beer like
water. I don't know what I was thinking—I wasn't thinking at all, come to think
of it. Maybe a part of me wanted to impress Levi, or feel more like an adult,
but all this did was land me in quite a humiliating predicament. The inside of
my mouth sizzled like acid was feasting on the inner walls of my mouth and my
cheeks puffed out, trying to reluctantly lock the bitter taste inside, but my
taste buds fought against it and soon enough a mighty war educed in my mouth. I
fought fiercely to force the nasty liquid into submission to avoid bursting a
mouthful free across the table. Levi wouldn't appreciate a shower of beer,
surely, so I fought against it, trying to swallow the load.
In this moment in time, my one and only wish was to have this flavor miles from
my taste buds and have my tongue scrubbed clean with one of Levi's heavy-duty
bristle pads. He gave a displeased expression at whatever sickly face I was
giving.
I failed in swallowing. I couldn't take the taste a second longer and ended up
spitting out the golden cascade back into the glass (well, what made
it into the glass and didn't splatter onto the table). While wiping my wet
mouth on the back of my hand, I passed the mug back to Levi. I tried to play it
off cooly but my twitching eye and not-so-subtle dry heaves from the never
ending sour residue staining my tongue made my displeasure a dead give away.
Levi stared like I was passing him a stick of dynamite. It soon became apparent
he had no intention of taking back the glass. I set it down.
"Was it too hard to just fucking swallow it? Did you really have to spit it
back into my glass like a finicky toddler?" Frantically, he scrubbed the
moister with a spare napkin, absorbing the aftermath on the table. "It's about
time you learn some table manners, Yeager."
I tried to accumulate enough spit in my mouth to dilute that damn disgusting
flavor. I swallowed with a shivering cringe before replying, "What for? I won't
be feasting with the king anytime soon."
Levi groaned with a sharp glare on me. He quickly got over it, surprisingly,
and grabbed the barmaids attention again with a wave to order another round for
himself.
I tried to make idle chat while she waited on another customer across the room.
The glass of beer before me that gave me war-like flash backs seemed like a
good place to start. "I really didn't think it would be that gross. I always
assumed you drank a lot because it tasted really good, but it taste like piss.
You have horrible taste."
"Hmph," his shoulders shook in amusement. "That explains why I like a shitty
brat like you."
Even though he just clearly insulted me, I flushed at those words and a type of
warmness I never experienced before fueled me like coal in a chimney. I tried
so hard not to smile like a bashful dork but I failed miserably.
I'm still convinced that I imagined that whole confession Levi sprouted out on
the wall, like I dreamed of him returning my feelings for so long that I had
went mad and started confusing reality and my over-the-top fantasies. I just
can't believe it came out of his mouth despite seeing it for myself—and every
time I reminded myself of it, I just want to detonate with gratifying
enlightenment.
"It's not bad once you get used to it," Levi scrutinized the glass on the
table. "But beer is meant to be bitter. Maybe you'd like wine more."
I leaned back into the hard bench, fanning my hands out in defense like a
coward. "No more taste-testing for me tonight. I just want something non-
alcoholic."
Levi rolled his tired-looking eyes away until they landed on the barmaid when
she approached our booth. "I'll have another beer." With the tip of his finger,
he slid the filled glass to the edge, discarding it like it was contaminated.
Offended, I folded my arms. The guy will swipe his tongue inside of my mouth
but he treats a drink that's been in my mouth like it has cooties.
Unbelievable.
The woman picked it up and returned it to the tray propped on her shoulder,
confused and silently questioning why he was ordering another round before
finishing his first. Levi pointed limply across to me. "For the baby here, one
vodka and cranberry. But hold the vodka and serve it in a baby bottle. Need a
highchair and a bib too, Eren?"
I sunk low into the booth, not feeling like the grown adult I walked in
believing I was. But shamefulness turned to anger and I perked up. If he is
going to treat me like a child, I'll act like one. I muttered crankily, "If
anyone needs a highchair it's you."
I noticed that the waitress fought back a chuckle pressuring against her lips,
begging for release while Levi simply tsked with a pulsating blood vessel
forming between his crinkled forehead. Whether he will admit it or not, I'm
hilarious. Levi just won't accept the truth—or his biased (not to mention
awful) sense of humor won't let him. Then again, he's the reason I've became
skilled at equipping snarky comebacks in the first place. His personality, no
matter how negative it could be at times, is very contagious—and not only to
me.
Sometimes it feels like Mikasa is Levi's actual younger sister when you
consider how alike they are. Mikasa always teases me about being easily
influenced, but anyone who ever seen them together a few times could clearly
detect her admiration for Levi and how she subtly copies his small traits. It's
pretty adorable to witness first-hand how much she looks up to the guy (which
sounds ironic given that she spends every day looking down at him).
The student is slowly surpassing the teacher and more times than I'm sure Levi
would admit, Mikasa beats him at his own games and left him speechless more
than once. The house livens up when those two try to complete against each
other—it's even cuter when I'm involved somehow and they're trying to 'non-
intentionally' compete to impress me by testing who makes my favorite dish
better or bickering about what I like or dislike, only to have me dragged in
from the sidelines eventually to settle the score.
I really couldn't have asked for better family. When I lost my mom and my dad
went missing and I was parted from Armin I thought that empty hole in my heart
would never mend and I'd never live in a domestic, lively house-setting again,
or be surrounded by people who care about me. But Mikasa, Levi, and even Hanji
came rushing in to fill that gap with overwhelming amounts of not-so-
traditional tender care. I've never been more content.
We're not a perfect family; we're actually borderline dysfunctional and weird
and downright nuts sometimes. None of us even share a drop of blood between us,
but at the end of the day we were always there for each other. It's a wonderful
feeling knowing I will always have someone welcoming me back home, asking me
how my day went, and backing me up when trouble rises. It's the little things
like that that fuel me and help me carry out the days to come. Even on those
crappy days where I get my ass kicked in a fight or when I feel homesick and
missed my mom, Armin and how life used to be, I knew that everyone would
comfort me in their own unique ways. That's why I broke into tears when Levi
told me that I felt like home to him, because I always felt the same way.
Even if we lived on the street with nothing to eat and no where to sleep in the
cold rain, if I still had the little family I acquired beside me—I would always
be at home.
"This glass is filthy. Did they even bother washing it? Lazy fucks." While in a
daze, the server had returned with our fresh drinks. I was relieved to see my
cranberry juice was served in a big-boys cup. I took a leisure sip through the
straw as I watched Levi struggle with his compulsions; frantically twisting the
glass around and holding it up to the candle for better examination. At that
moment the tavern turned into a forensic science lab and not a spec of grim was
safe under his justly gaze.
I giggled in my hand at his fussy display. It's never a dull moment with him.
The glass looked just fine to me, albeit a little cloudy, but Levi's critical
goggles were on and not coming off until his inspection was complete.
"Look, there's lipstick still stuck to the rim. Disgusting."
Thoroughly, he wiped the glass with a napkin. That's when I realized the
workers will have to restock the napkins dispenser once he's through with this
place.
At long last, he finally got his damn drink once he nearly cleaned the shine
off the thing. Just watching him drink that gross piss that fast made my
stomach curl. His guts must be made out of steel.
"Hey...Levi." I voiced quietly, watching as he chugged down the contents like a
champ and he had no intention of stopping when he answered with a quick hum
into his glass.
My eyes averted away as I stirred my juice with the straw. I didn't want this
to come out wrong. "...Don't drink too much. I want you to be straight with me
tonight."
The golden liquid whirled around the glass when he agitatedly set the mug down
hard with a quenched sigh. "Eren. We're two guys and we've been kissing and
saying gay shit to each other for the past few hours and you want me to
be straight with you? It's one or the other. Pick one."
"You know what I mean." I said flatly, not giving into his joke. Damn his love
of wordplay.
Appearing peeved, he reclined back. "I didn't know my drinking bothered you
that much." He lifted his mug up again, likely out of spite. I knew he would
get the wrong idea.
"No, its not like that...I don't really have a problem with it, you're actually
talkative and more honest sometimes when you drink..." I tapped my moist glass
as I figured out the right words. "But...you do get forgetful the next morning
and I want you to remember this...all of this, because tonight is
special...isn't it?"
He contemplatively sipped, then removed the rim from his mouth and stared at
the mug with an elevated brow. Then the unreadable gaze fell back to me sharply
as if comparing the two. He closed his eyes with a roll of his shoulder as he
set down the glass permanently. "You're right. This draft really does taste
like piss. Suppose I won't be getting drunk tonight after all."
He seemed to be enjoying it fine a second ago. "...You don't have to hold back
because of me. It's up to you. I was just...making a suggestion." I got the
feeling that he was just blaming it on the taste just to please me, because
this whole night seemed to be about pleasing me, in Levi's own special way. I
wasn't trying to be bossy—I honestly don't mind as long as he keeps it at a
healthy amount, but this is a special night to me and I want to be able to
bring it up in the future with him and reminiscence, as corny as that may
sound. It won't be as fun if I'm the only one who can remember anything.
"I..." His voice stretched on softly—too soft and he corrected this mistake
immediately by roughened up his tone with a clearing of his throat. "I want to
remember tonight too. I just thought a drink would loosen me up a bit. I feel
so damn tense." His features strained in annoyance and shoulders squared,
adding emphasis to the fact.
This couldn't mean that he's actually nervous too...right? I knew it took a lot
out of him to say all that stuff back on the wall—I still have a hard time
believing it myself and I can only imagine the toll it took on him. It must
have been hard for him to say all that, considering his personality and past.
But I figured he'd be over it by now. But if he's not...
...I should try to do something to take his mind off it without being too
direct, because he'd surely pass up whatever scheme I plot if he caught on to
my intentions.
I twisted in my seat, wrapping an arm over the back of the booth. I moved my
head around, searching for a distraction I could use on him. Even if I could
make a joke or suggestion to loosen him up, I'll settle for that—anything that
would lighten his mood. I searched until I saw the couple preciously seated
behind us up on their feet, holding onto each other and swaying with the music.
That gave me an idea—if you can call spitting put a suggestion without thinking
it over an idea, that is.
"We should dance." I offered jokingly and chuckled—but it didn't come out as I
planned. I immediately regretted it. For one, it sounded funny in my head but
lame and a little too genuine out loud. Come to think of it, I don't know how
to dance and never had the desire to learn. Not to mention this is Levi. Levi
would never do something that lovely-dovey with me—or more like I can't picture
him being like that, especially in public.
Well, he does shake his ass for money as a stripper, but according to him
that's just strictly a job that he gets no pleasure from—this would be purely
for entertainment. Any way I look at it, my suggestion still sounded lame and I
felt like scolding myself before Levi had they chance, just to save him the
trouble.
I figured I had nothing to worry about, though, because when I turned back
around I was greeted with Levi's trademark look: the one that automatically
implied a flat-out no or how dare you.
At least the offer might have taken his mind off his nerves for a minute; I
wanted to make him smile but I could settle for pissing him off so long as his
tension lessens—well, that might make him more tense. Damnit. I unintentionally
succeeded in one end, but created another failure as a result.
His eyes removed from me just as his tapping finger relocated to his cheek. He
scratched absentmindedly and began to cringe as he spoke, like the words pained
him to voice. "Do you actually wanna dance? You never seemed the type to be
into that."
"I..." I couldn't just say a solid no. His follow up question would surely
be why I asked him in the first place if I didn't want to. I kept stuttering,
staring down at the candle between us.
"You don't have to be shy. I never danced with anyone before so I'd probably be
a lousily partner, but..." Sinking back, his folded arms pushed up a relaxed
shrug. "I'm willing to try if you want to badly enough."
I strained my head up at that, a bead of sweat traveling down my gulping
throat. He can't actually be considering it, right? He's teasing me back, he
must be—but I need to make sure. "You...would actually...dance with me?"
He tucked his lips, thinking it over with a quick tilt of the head.
"Well...It's your birthday and if that's something you want then..." Levi broke
off there because his attention was urgently needed elsewhere by the way his
head shot away; eyes expanding in subtle delight. His gaze charged right past
my shoulder to the stage. I soon turned my head to see for myself who or what
grabbed his attention, but there wasn't much to see. That's when I realized
it's what he was listening to that interrupted all train of thought and left
him with that endearing expression.
"...I really like this song." The confession slipped out in breathly beat. The
song just started and I couldn't say that I recognized it, but Levi seemed to
know the tune far too well. He started to mouth the words in a way to not be
detected, but I still read the line on his lips going in sync with: 'Let's
dance little stranger. Show me secret sins. Love can be like bondage, seduce me
once again.'
I became memorized by the way his lips moved to the words, reciting them with
all the emotions intended. I admittedly felt the urge to see how his body would
move to this tranquil rhythm, not just his lips. Maybe dancing wouldn't be the
lamest way to pass up the time and I did say I want to make more memories
tonight and surely more first time experiences will live a long lasting mark.
There's one problem, though. I might have suggested the idea, but I really
don't know how to go about it at this point. Am I suppose to ask again...or do
I want for him to comply? Should I say nothing and just let him follow me?
Sharing a dance shouldn't be this complicated—I'm starting to lose the
motivation to go through with his half-baked scheme.
The lyrics sung softly and grabbed my attention, 'Won't you dance with me, in
my world of fantasy?' and I couldn't tell if the song of Levi mouthing along
with the words were trying to persuade me into getting up and dancing at this
point. This honestly did feel like a fantasy and I found the song chillingly
fitting—if only I knew how to follow the lyrics instructions.
In an instant, Levi's had slammed a hand against the table, startling me, but
the support was placed there to aid him out of the booth. I only managed to
steal a quick, terrified look at him before he stole my hand and forced me to
my feet.
Levi wore an enticing look as he coaxed me to the dance floor, his fingers
weaved with mine as he pulled. I scuffed my feet tentatively toward him like
the lyrics he mouthed were an attracting spell. We never broke eye contact as
he paraded backwards with the slightest sway to his hips.
The music blared when we came closer to the stage and melodies surrounded
us—luring us close to each other naturally, feeling bound as our bodies
compressed together. My Adam's apple bobbed in my throat as I waved my gaze
around nervously, feeling all eyes were on me and I could've swore that my
heartbeat could be heard over the music—but Levi made a small dent in my cheek
with his finger to guide my eyes back to him, giving me a look that clearly
declared that my eyes only belonged on him and him only right now. Because of
that dominating, yet sensual look, I didn't even have the desire to blink.
My hands were guided to rest on his curved hips and I nearly cupped his thin
waist hips fingertip-to-fingertip. Draping his arms over my shoulders, his
fingers gently stroked the nape of my neck and he guided us into a rotation.
The tickle from his fingers caressing me left me with a grin and I honestly had
the urge to cry tears of joy at this point in time. I thought he was moody
before—but right now he looks so calm; at peace for the first time in so long
like a soldier returning home to his family after a long mission. I love that
expression because I could read it. I could tell that he is thinking about me
and me only right now and that's the most wonderful feeling I could ever hope
for. That alone will make a beautiful memory to look back on.
With his eyes wide like a playful kitten, he lovingly pet along my cheek as he
mouthed the lyrics: 'The way I wanna love you, well it could be against the
law.'
With eyes crinkling in mirth, I leaned forward and rested my forehead into his,
smirking against his lips until he retreated to my shoulder and continued
whispering the next line in my ear: 'You make the angel fall—Won't you dance
with me?' I kissed his hair and returned to our slow rotation, rocking gently
side to side like a baby in a bassinet.
His pupils expanded in size and the number of candles propped on the walls
reflected like glowing orbs on the glassy windows shielding those blue eyes of
his. There's less tension skirting his eyes in general and his brows rose above
their normal height. He must have been keeping so much bottled up, and now that
it was free he could stretch out and unwind.
Feeling a little adventurous now that I got the hang of keeping with the rhythm
of the music, I grabbed his hand and rose it above him, spinning him by the arm
like a ballerina in an old music box. When he returned back to face me, he
lowered his eyes to my chest shyly (yes, shyly. I couldn't even believe it at
first.) And even though I couldn't tell for sure, I think he was smiling.
The lyrics reminded me that the music would be over soon and this was the last
dance. I cursed the words because I never wanted this song to end, nor did I
ever want to stop this beautiful moment that blossomed between Levi and I. With
his eyes locked on mine, his lips barely and slowly moved along with the next
line.
'Take a chance with me.'
My heart fluttered wildly the same way it did when I had glanced to the bottom
of the city when we climbed down the wall, except I didn't feel terrified like
I did then. Right now, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
The vacant, guarded face Levi often wore had abandoned him, making him free to
look utterly vulnerable, but not out of doubt or fear, I was sure. Vulnerable
simply because Levi had metaphorically set down his swords, surrendered and
bared himself unarmed before me, trusting that I wouldn't do him any harm—and I
sure as hell never would hurt him after he had trusted me in good faith. I
couldn't possibly ever take him for granted or do him wrong, but I did
selfishly take advantage of the sight he gifted me with. Those small beady
eyes, once as cold as a sad porcine doll, had come to life. I just felt lucky
to be personally given such a look by the man I love, the man who rarely blinks
or let's his guard down. In this moment it felt as though he trusted me fully.
In each others arms as we were, it felt like we we're the only ones in the
room. It was just me, him, and the music and the floor our feet tapped along
on.
He almost looked fatigued but I think he was merely overwhelmed from everything
that happened tonight. I am too. I helped keep his tired body standing and our
slow dance was turned into a tight static hug, but we still swayed together
like an autumn branch being blown by a gentle gust; he kept clinging to me like
a stubborn leaf that refused to leave his home.
We remained like that for the duration of the song, long after the lyrics ran
out and the instrumentals faded. The audience clapping and cheering woke us
from our trance.
Levi tangled his fingers in the fabric of my shirt and pulled me to the right
level for a kiss, which I eagerly accepted. While he left soft pecks on my
lips, he clawed at my shirt, feeling as though he was trying to tame my pumping
heart.
Before sitting back down, we tipped the band and I complimented the singer on
her voice—but really I wanted to thank them for creating such a beautiful
atmosphere for us and making this an even more memorable night for me, but I
didn't have guts to say all that, especially in front of Levi. I couldn't even
pick a favorite highlight this evening. They all flashed in my head at once
when I tried.
I know Levi would think it's incredibly lame if I told him, especially since
I'm not even sure what kind of relationship we have right now, but couples
usually have their own song...like the one they play at their wedding. From now
on, I'm going to consider that our song. I can only hope that the next time I
hear it, it will take me back to this magical night.
Some time passed and most of the crowd cleared out, leaving only a few regulars
behind. The chatter grew quieter and eventually the live band retired for the
evening.
At one point in the night, Levi's left arm found its way over to me; stretching
out across my shoulder while a cigarette scissored in his other hand. Watching
the stream of smoke traveling up from the red ash to the ceiling took my mind
off of how close we were sitting—because if I dwelled on that I was guaranteed
to overreact and make an ass out of myself. In the back of my mind I still
wondered what I did to be rewarded with this night. Just the way Levi proudly
wrapped an arm around me told me more than words could ever say.
I only wish I could enjoy the moment a little more and not be so damn nervous.
With my hands tucked between my thighs, my shoulders stiffly squared from the
heaviness set on me (his arm weighed more than most of my barbells at home) but
although I was slightly uncomfortable, I love how he's warming up to me. It was
like he just needed to speak his mind and get all that off his chest—that's all
it took for him to freely do as he pleases now, like a set of cuffs were
unlocked from him.
I want to be more relaxed so I could enjoy this. I've dreamed of this for so
long and it's finally coming true, but in all my fantasies I was a confident,
romantic mastermind that smooth-talked my way into his heart. In reality I'm
nervous and self-conscious with a bad habit of saying the wrong thing. To make
it worse, I'm sweating bullets to make the nervousness even more noticeable.
How can he remain so calm after everything that happened tonight? Look at him
teasing me with that attractive profile view, puffing on a cigarette without a
care like him wrapping his arm around me is no big deal.
This is what sets Levi and I apart. He's mature and knows how to control his
emotions and knows exactly how the rules of dating works. He doesn't freak out
over casual touches and kissing—but I do. I'm still young and haven't gained
all the experience through age yet. We had quite a big gap between us, but I'm
determined to fill it. Of all the possible things that could, I won't
let age set us apart.
He hasn't said a word since we sat back down from our dance. I was still
floating in the high of romance and so when he wordlessly leaned in with hooded
eyes locked on my lips and a slender finger turning my chin to him, I was
completely caught off guard and I didn't even want to imagine what kind of
awkward face I made at him.
The sudden kiss came without any prelude or warning but I locked my lips on his
like a natural instinct. This time I got a little more daring and placed a
caressing touch on the side of his cheek as I played with his beautiful lips.
As the kiss prolonged and stress and fear of messing up came to play, I tried
to blank out my mind and let Levi's lips be my guidance. I'm determined to not
fuck up and so far I stayed true to that promise. The kisses were soft, short
and succulent and the sounds our lips made together topped all the wonderful
music I heard tonight. Every once in a while I would open my eye a slit to be
rewarded with the sight of his long closed lashes just to remind myself that
I'm actually kissing Levi because a part of my brain refused to believe it. We
were actually doing really well—I'm proud I made it at least a minute or two
without panicking and pulling away, but Levi ruined my winning streak by
yanking away, hurriedly taking an irritated drag and shaking his head in
disapproval.
"...Did I mess up again?"
". . . . . ?" More silence, but this time he just looked borderline confused.
Then it clicked with a shake of his head. "Oh, no. You were doing fine. I just
realized..." he cut himself off there and made no sign of continuing.
I nagged with a 'what?'
He was hesitant to reply, I could tell, but he turned to me straight on, mouth
parted but not ready to speak. After a few beats he said, "I usually can't
stand kissing—it's rarely something I take a lot of joy in but—"
"Buuut?" I sang out. I kind of knew where he was headed with this. I smiled.
"You royally suck at kissing, got it?" Well I didn't expect that, although it's
the truth. I hung my head, ashamed. "But...you'll get the hang of it
eventually...and, fuck. I don't know. I just realized I like your stupid mouth.
I guess I'm annoyed by it."
I lit up. A wide grin appeared and Levi rolled his eyes away from the sight. I
could think of a few better ways of phrasing that, but I'll take it as a
compliment. Now I was sure I was dreaming. Maybe I got into a bad fist fight
and was in a coma because Levi actually admitted that he likes kissing me 
(despite being sucky at it). Well, real or not, the fact still remains that
this is the highlight of my life.
"I feel weird," he announced as he killed his ash in the tray and hostility
shoved it on the other side of the table with a clink. Wearily, his head fell
against the backrest as he side-glanced me. "And it's your fault. You're making
me do weird stuff. And say weird things. Did you..." he paused to change his
pitch because suddenly he became so sure of himself. "You drugged me."
Smacking a palm on the table, I laughed, which made me guilty based on the face
Levi made. My voice rose from the unbelievable question. "I didn't make you do
anything, that was all you."
"Tch."He flicked his gaze skeptically. "This is why I wanted to get drunk so
I'd stop being weird but, no, I have to continue being weird. Not to mention
moody."
Now I get it. I thought his mood shifts weren't my fault (well technically it
is, but not a direct outcome of doing something wrong like I suspected). This
is his way of coping with all this—he just doesn't realize it himself yet.
"It has nothing to do with feeling weird, that's just how you feel when you
like someone—I thought it was strange when I was a kid too, but I got used to
it. And you're not moody, just emotional. It's a lot to take in. You should be
more used to this than me, anyway."
"Why do you say that?" He asked with genuine curiosity.
"You have more experience in this field than me."
"...Right." He agreed flatly and lit another cigarette. I suddenly feared the
condition of his lungs.
I looked down into his lap and noted the way his legs crossed together and how
his foot flicked agitatedly. Wait—I shouldn't make assumptions—I decided to
clarify. "I know that doesn't make it any easier. This is the first time I fell
in love so I don't know what heartbreak is or how break-ups feel, but you've
probably been through that before and that probably makes getting involve with
someone new a little scary. But I promise I..." I lost my voice the moment
Levi's invested eyes came crawling back to me, but I toughened up and spat it
out, "I won't ever hurt you or leave you or cheat on you, or anything like
that. I can't guarantee we'd ever be perfect...We'll probably still fight on
and off like we always have, but we'll always make up and fix our problems
together."
After a few blinks, the smallest show of amusement spread out around the filter
of his cigarette. He fought his lips down but to no avail. "You're a good kid."
He reeled me in close and roughly pecked my temple. I leaned into his embrace
and tied my arms around his waist, my head nuzzled against his shoulder. Even
though I'm bigger compared to Levi, I still felt his strong hold around me
could protect me from anything.
"Levi..." I tentatively started, my voice muffled by his sleeve. There was only
one more important question about all this I had to ask, then I would let him
relax his nerves. "Are you...my boyfriend now?"
". . . . . ." The petting of my hair roughened when he jolted a bit at the
question; nails reflectively digging into my scalp, like he was trying to
scratch away all traces of the question from my mind so he didn't have to
answer. I winced a bit in pain but didn't dare back off him. He groaned
thoughtfully and returned to softly petting my hair. "Let's just...see where
the road takes us and not force anything. We like each other, so let's just
start from there and see where that takes us."
"Sounds good to me."
He thrusted off me suddenly to stretch out and retrieve the ashtray, leaving my
shoulders feeling naked. What he said wasn't really a bad thing—he basically
said he's open to whatever fate comes our way. With a little luck and patience,
I might be calling Levi my boyfriend someday—so long as I keep him as happy as
I possibly can and prove to him that I'm a worthy suitor.
"With all that said—I want to keep my mouth busy so I don't say more dumb shit,
because I already said enough of dumb shit tonight." Once he extinguished his
cigarette, he faced me a little closer than I could handle and demanded an
unanticipated request. "Make out with me."
The end of his sentence hit me like bullet. Beads of sweat rolled down my cheek
and my lips flapped up and down as little sounds came out of my mouth. I
scooted back cowardly until my back hit the wall. "I...um...I'm still trying to
get a handle on basic kissing. I need to work up to the more advance levels."
"I don't give a shit. I didn't ask for an update on your skill progress. I
ordered you to make out with me."
"You can't just—" order someone to make out with you, I was going to say, but
I'm pretty sure, based on the tongue lodged in my mouth that I just learned by
demonstration that I can't ever tell Levi he can't do something if he wants to
badly enough. But he's not the only one around here that can get his way, I
still hold the title for the most stubborn brat. I pried my lips from the kiss
with a little shove and gasped for a breath. The look he gave me sent a chill
over me—it was like taking a scrap of food from a hungry stray dog.
"I feel...weird about kissing with all these people around." I used as an
excuse and eyed the total of five conscious drunks still in the tavern.
"There's always couples in here sucking face. It's fine." He tired to explain,
but suddenly scudded and made a gap between us as he peered almost shamefully
into his lap, mumbling. "Shit. Forget it. I didn't know I was embarrassing you
or else I wouldn't have— "
"Wait..." I cut him off, my one track mind linking to only one thought right
now. "So basically everyone here thinks we're a couple?"
His disenchanted expression popped to confusion. He went on uncertainly,
"Uh...Maybe?"
"Hehe." I swayed my feet under the table as I giggled, peppy as a puppy wagging
its tail.
He heaved back at an angle, looking at my giddy smirk like it was the plague.
"You mean...you don't mind if they think that?"
"...What do you mean? Of course I don't mind. If you'd allow it, I'd brag to
everyone about you. I just wasn't sure if it was acceptable or not in public,
that's why I asked." I wasn't expecting Levi to be surprised about it—but now
I'm the one lost, because Levi dipped his head with a tiny curl in his lips.
"So you're not ashamed to be seen like this with me...is what you're saying."
His voice sounded distant and riddled with ambiguous significance, but given
that I'm too dumb to pick his words apart, I simple said, 'Duh,' and tilted
down to nudged his head back up with my forehead, brushing my nose against his.
"Can we practice kissing more now?"
In the close range, he studied me. All the emotion those eyes of his held
sprang off and latched to me. Lightly, he pinched my chin between his thumb and
index finger and my lips pouted when his silky lips moved onto mine. I parted
my mouth just a tiny bit and motioned my tongue inside first, meeting his and
twining it into a wet embrace. He skillfully flicked his tongue over the tip of
mine, sending a tingle over my prickly skin (and I tingled in other places, but
for the sake of not embarrassing myself in public, I tried to ignore the
arousal building up). The sensation of our tongues dancing together had me
light-headed and I barely could keep my head on straight, it was a good thing
he held onto my cheek or else I'd deflate.
The lid shielding my eyes lifted half-way when our lips parted but our tongues
refused to part from each other; they remained connected and thoroughly twined
and licked every part of each others tastes buds. I felt absolutely no shame or
embarrassment anymore and could care less who was watching us now because they
didn't matter; only Levi mattered right now.
I revved my hand into his waist and scooted closer—my body naturally and
greedily wanting every inch of him to myself. A slight moan transferred into
his mouth from mine before closing the gap again—his lips still slippery from
my saliva, which made it even easier to maneuver around his mouth.
I've seen people kiss often in my life; between my parents and neighbors or
skanky girls and nobles on the streets, but I never imagined something this
simple (yet strangely challenging) could feel this good—it's definitely a
feeling you can't describe and have to try for yourself. All along I pictured
kissing Levi but I left out all the important detail, like how his plump lips
pressed against mine like a fluffed pillow, or how my mouth tingled when his
saliva combined with mine, almost like a tasty cocktail I watched the bartender
mix before, or how this hot fever of mine transferred to him and left his
cheeks flushed as the raging blood inside me pumped into my heart like a
machine that would conk out at any second from a pressuring overload.
It was like nothing I imagined before—and the best part is I don't have
to imagine anymore. I could actually kiss Levi now. I can hold his slumbering
body, I could dance with him, stargaze at the sky with conjoined hands and tell
him I love him now. Looking at everything that happened in only a few mere
hours, I couldn't guess all the things we would do together once a week or a
month goes by. Actually, I could make a few guesses—but then my plan to keep my
arousal low key won't go as planned.
In need for a breather, we parted our lips, but not before getting a few last
second smooches in before departing fully. When we locked eyes, I shied away
where Levi looked more or less the same as he always did.
"You're getting better," he complimented as he arranged his bangs back in place
after I had ruffled up his hair with my fingers in the midst of passion before.
"I still suck at it."
He shrugged carelessly, wiping his mouth from all the residue I sloppily left
behind. "If it makes you feel any better, I was never very skilled at kissing
either, not until I was well into adulthood."
That did actually make me feel better. When it comes to someone like Levi, it's
easy to assume he was born being naturally good at everything—in fact,
that still isn't a far-fetched assumption. Levi's that kind of person that has
a natural knack for everything he takes on.
"I know you said you don't remember before—but what was your first kiss like?
I'm curious. Is there anything you could remember? Like did you like the
person?"
He scratched his chin, darting his eyes to recall like the walls would project
a recap. "It's coming back to me a bit." There was a faraway look in his eyes.
Maybe this isn't something I should bring up on my own accord. I'm aware that
Levi doesn't exactly have the most pleasant past—I could accidentally step on a
landmine and trigger something awful from his life if I don't treed carefully.
"Sorry, I shouldn't ask stuff like that."
"No, it's...alright." He seemed amused, like belated nostalgia hit him. Must
have been a fun experience after all. I couldn't imagine how he managed to
forget his first kiss initially. I'll always remember mine, even when I'm an
old man like him.
"It happened a very long time ago, before you were born," he flicked an ash
smoothly into the tray and pondered for details. "I didn't actually like-like
the person—but that's more of my fault, not theirs. I was a little behind my
time. I was around ten when it happened but mentally I was probably five, since
I was a pretty sheltered child of religious parents and my hormones didn't kick
in yet."
He gave himself a second. I patiently waited although I wanted to hear
everything so badly. "The kiss was unexpected—it came out of literally no
where, but it wasn't awkward, really. But I was really nervous after it just
like you. I was barely able to walk straight and I was confused for a good two
hours once I got home," he chuckled, a mixture of nostalgia and melancholy as
his eyes played out the scene.
Aimlessly gazing at the table, he rubbed his temple, like the memories cramming
in reached their capacity and were compressing against his skull. "So basically
what I'm trying to say is: I know how you feel. Don't sweat it."
I grinned, more than I should have. I still had the image of little Levi
wobbling around after his first kiss. It's an adorable thought that I'll be
sure to store away for later to reflect on. I suppose it didn't trigger a bad
memory after all—I'm relieved to learn that. I had such a wonderful first kiss
and it's a relief to know that Levi had a pleasant experience too. He deserves
to have some happy memories like that between all the bad.
"What happened to the person you had your first kiss with? Why aren't you...
with them? If you don't mind my asking." I had my first kiss with
Levi—so obviously I intend to be with him forever. I can't imagine moving on
from him and to someone else. I wondered what happened to this person that
stole his first kiss.
"Well, it's complicated—" he waved off what he said. "Actually, not really. I
saw them more as a friend at the time, but maybe something would've happened
between us if I never moved from the boonies and went outside the walls—I
actually had that kiss the evening before my parents and I left for the
outside..."
He bit his lip, appearing bombarded with sudden depression. I noticed this and
immediately urged him to continue his story to take his mind off of that
terrible day. "What did they look like? Did you ever run into them since then?"
He took the subject change and ran with it. "Nope. Never seen them since, well,
maybe I did but I don't even remember what they look like anymore, to be
honest." He paused there and twisted to me, pointing his cigarette inquiringly.
"Why are you so curious anyway? I thought you'd get to jealous if we talked
about shit like that."
I tucked my hands between my thighs and gave off a little shrug. "I'm
not that bad—I like learning things about you. I wanna know how you were when
you were a kid and the special moments you had." Right now, I'm making all my
special memories with Levi, but I know he lived much longer than me and had a
life before he met me. I just want to know it all. Every bit of his life I want
to devour and reflect on as I wish. I'd never get jealous over him talking
about the past.
As a kid, I was furious when I saw him with Erwin because it happened right in
front of me, only days after I confessed to him, so naturally I was upset. But
hearing about the relationships he held and the memories he created with others
before I met him were fine with me. Above all, I want to know what made the man
I love today.
Feeling inspired from that snippet of info he gifted me with, I asked him to
tell me more stories about his childhood. I figured he already told me about
his first kiss, so why not tell me more? Or everything. Everything would be
nice.
"There's not much to tell. I was a stupid kid. And I was always filthy and
hated cleaning or taking baths."
"...You're lying." I really thought we were going to have an honest discussion
here. I should have known better. Levi always gives me a little taste then
sprinkles it with bitter teasing.
"No, really. I was way worse than you. I used to make mud-pies in the dirt
after it rained and my mother used to bathe me multiple times a day just to
keep me decent. If I skipped even one day without a bath I'd attract every fly
within five miles, that's how filthy I would get."
My unsettled eyes protruded on him. "...Wha-What kind of clean demon possessed
your body once you got older?!"
Levi seemed to get a kick out of my reaction—but I was dead serious. How does a
filthy kid become a cleaning God?!
"I guess I grew out of the dirty stage; you seem to just be entering it. But I
guess after living on the streets and putting myself through filthy shit I just
found some comfort in keeping myself and everything around me clean. Tidying-up
and having cleanly surroundings just soothes some of my anxiety and uncluttered
my head a bit, you know?"
I never really thought about his cleaning habits like that. I just assumed he
was a grumpy old man that wanted to enslave everyone into keeping his house
clean and needed an excuse to yell at those who were unfortunate enough to make
a mess and not clean it up. I never really considered the fact that it might be
a coping mechanism. I actually feel bad now for giving him so much lip about
helping him clean and teasing him for it. I made a mental note not to do that
again.
"What else can you share? I want to know more about you as a kid."
"Psh," his sigh blew up his bangs up. He looked up in recall as he struggled to
bring up something relevant. "I really liked animals. Well, I still do, but I
was more passionate about it back then. I always wanted to live on a big farm
and tame wild horses and breed dogs and stuff. Maybe even do some veterinarian
work too." He dipped his head and fiddled with his fingers on his lap. "...It
sounds really dumb saying that now as an adult, but what dreams do you expect
from a dumb kid?"
"That's not dumb at all!" A sudden burst of energy surged through me. Levi
leaned back a bit from the pressure my aura inflicted. That dream of his struck
a motivational cord in me. "We should totally live on a farm someday! I'd help
you run it!"
"...Where, here? Underground? Other than rats and stray cats and dogs, no other
animals can really survive down here. That's why everything is expensive
because all the farms are on the surface and all the goods need to be
transported down here."
Leave it to Levi to blow out my flaming energy in one breath. "Well, if it's
ever safe to leave the walls, we could build our own farm from scratch, far
away from anyone that would would find us."
"That's some imagination you got there. Even if that did happen, it wouldn't be
anytime soon. If a miracle occurs, sure, but I'd probably be too old by the
time that happens."
Scoffing, I folded my arms. "Then I'll just have to take care of the
farm and you all by myself, old man."
He chortled, shaking his head. "You really think anything is possible, don't
you?"
"Yep." I quickly declared confidently with erect posture. "Even if I have to
wipe out all the Titans myself one day, I'll make you a farm with every animal
you want, outside the wall and within walking distance of the sea. We'll tend
to the farm all morning, tame wild horses together in the afternoon and walk
the beach at sunset and I'll cook your favorites every evening—and I'll keep
you warm every night." I reached for his hand in his lap, cupping it lovingly
while I swiped a thumb over the cool skin.
As he archived my words, he watched the loving action and a smile stretched
out—I thought it was going to turn into one of his typical small and repressed
smiles, but his lips parted and his teeth were put on display from the full
blown, genuine smile. I stared breathlessly.
In all the years I've know him, I've never saw him smile like that. My eyes
teared at the beautiful sight. Seeing such a once in a lifetime expression like
that topped the spectacular view on the wall; his smile was brighter than the
setting sun and more surreal than being above the clouds and being one with the
soaring birds that flew freely overhead.
Levi always appeared ridiculously young, but when he smiled like that without
restraint, some laugh lines and wrinkles spread out on the corner of his eyes
like crows feet, making him look even older than his natural age, like the rare
expression had cracked his skin—and I couldn't help but think of how beautiful
he looks right now.
I stared in awe at the sight, the same way I had looked at the natural lands
and untouched rolling hills beyond the walls earlier. I have always saw Levi as
ridiculously handsome—but the compliment felt dull and unworthy now. I never
seen that smile before (and probably won't for a long time) but that expression
had helped me confirm that Levi is undoubtedly, overwhelmingly and breathlessly
beautiful in my eyes.
Though—the praise doesn't sound like it amounted to much, since my eyes have
seen the most ugliest things the world has to offer. When comparing the two,
the match seems unfairly compared—but Levi had been the one to teach me
(unintentionally) that ugly things could become beautiful after some work and
time.
The loss of my mother was brutal and ugly, but the time spent with her was
beautiful. Our underground home was in rough shape and wore down and looked
beaten and abused, just as we all have been, but we had made it a comforting,
safe place where we made uncountable memories. I had to leave my hometown in
which I was born and raised and last saw it in ruins and despair—but those
events had brought me to Levi. And Levi taught me how to love. There's nothing
more beautiful than that.
But like all good things, the moment came to an end and his default expression
returned. He continued on with the conversation casually, making me question if
what I just saw was a figment of my imagination—but the impression it left on
me was too vivid to envisage on its own.
"That's quite a check list you're setting yourself up for. I'm having trouble
determining if you're delusional or overly optimistic. Are you sure you didn't
drink anything?"
Gulping dryly, I went over his jest and squeezed his hand tighter. "Remember, I
made a promise to make you happy, and I never break promises."
Levi eyes flicked wide, seeing for himself just how serious I was being. He had
no retort.
He might understand one day that love kind of makes you feel like you can do
anything, that you can take on any challenge and succeed so long as you're
doing it for the one you love. And honestly—I wasn't fibbing just to give him
false hope. I meant what I said. No one can see the future, obviously, so I
don't know what it has in store for us. But so long as we're still breathing, I
know I still have a chance to do anything. All I want to do is make this man
beside me as happy as he could be and spoil him rotten with everything he
desires.
The rest of the night dragged on slowly, thankfully, and I milked the date for
all it was worth. At one point, Levi and I were the only remaining customers in
the tavern. We had pasted the time with making out again. During this, I heard
the bartender asking for last calls. We ignored the offer and focused on each
other. After a few more minutes, I had become so involved with Levi that I
completely forgot where I was (and I think Levi did too) because I suddenly
became so desperate to touch him and I daringly declared just that when I broke
from his lips in a husky whisper. Levi had replied wordlessly to my request by
luring my hand to his backside. He bit his lip fiercely then charged in to
ravish my neck as I fondled him for the first time—I felt a second away from
fainting as his teeth sank into my flesh. I ran my fingers though his hair as I
shivered from the tongue swiping over my prickly skin like a strip of silk.
Before I was quite determined not to get too worked up and let
my excitement show in pubic, but that plan had backfired. There was no hiding
the clear evidence of a bulge proudly presenting itself through the fabric of
my pants any longer.
Levi had motioned up from my neck and set quick, sloppy kisses on my lips and I
tried to speak between the breaks.
"I...I want to...touch you. I want...to touch you...everywhere."
Levi shifted over to my ear, biting the lobe hard enough to make me wince
before saying, "Then go ahead—touch me, Eren."
I took that as an invitation and untucked Levi's shirt from his waistband and
began to ride my trembling hand up Levi's bare flesh, feeling his hard abs
beneath my fingers—it was like nothing I felt before—but the passion fizzled
out when the corner of my eye caught the waitress looming over our table.
Guilty, I leaped off him with a face so red hot it could heat a small village.
As for Levi, he stared up at the woman like a wolf that was interrupted during
its mating cycle.
"About time I got your attention," she shifted her tired weight to one hip. I
take it that she must have been calling for us for a while. "Just giving a
heads up, boys, we're closing the bar off in five minutes. If you want to
continue what you're doing, you'll have to rent a room upstairs."
"Why would we rent a room at a bar, exactly?" I asked and realized I sounded
like a kid when she chuckled at me. "When the MPs stroll in once millennium, we
call it lodging, but most use the rooms to fuck, kid."
I reached out to Levi, tracing a hand down his spine and wanting to take the
servers advice and finish what we started up stairs—but Levi slammed down money
on the table to cover the bill and escaped my touch when he rose out of the
booth and retucked his blouse into his belt. "No, we'll be leaving."
And for the first time this evening, I was disappointed. Maybe I pushed too
far, or moved too fast. I caught up to Levi in a jog and was the first to reach
for the door, letting him exit first like a true gentlemen—but really, I only
did that to catch a glance at the face he wore, but his features had turned to
stone and he went on ahead of me with temperament powering his heels.
I must have went too fast after all. I never intended to pressure him or make
him uncomfortable, though.
I followed behind slowly without enough of energy to catch up to him. I'm such
a fuck-up.
                              _~Eren's_POV_End~_
I needed to keep my hands busy and I didn't want to light another cigarette
because I already smoked enough to pollute the entire underground and I'm
currently one puff away from coughing out a lung. Instead of resorting to
death, I took out my key ring and swung it around my fingers I walked the path
home.
The keys jingled as it looped around my finger in a spinning motion as I
pondered deeply, trying to find words that didn't exist while playing unlikely
scenarios in my head.
I don't know how to ask him—I don't even know if I should ask him at all.
Probably the latter. I'm just being a dirty old man that wants to fuck a kid
that barely understands the concept of kissing. But I've never wanted someone
so fucking badly in my life until now.
Maybe I'm due for a good fuck since it's been ages since I got laid. Or maybe I
just wanted Eren all to myself because everything I said on the wall was
painfully true and I find the brat unbearably irresistible, now more than ever
after tonight after all his sweet inquiries and promises. I probably would have
started stripping down back at the tavern if the waitress hadn't interrupted
the heat passion and forced some rational thought back in my head.
While mulling over the correct way to bring up this proposition, my legs
powered down the street fast, faster than Eren could keep up—I realized, when I
noticed he wasn't at my side. When I peered back to see if he was still in
close range, I saw him far behind, hunched over and dragging his feet like a
lost puppy as his head hung low to the pavement.
I stopped short. Damnit. The idiot probably thinks he did something wrong. I
need to let him know that isn't the case somehow.
I waited for him to catch up—and waited and waited as he slowly walked on, eyes
committed to the path and a frown just as low as his spirits. When he finally
approached me, uncertain to why I stopped, I took his hand in mine and started
walking off again, albeit at a milder pace this time so he could keep up. The
throb surging from his hand to mine reminded me of just now strong that
heartbeat of his is. That rhythm had been my lullaby as of late and I don't
think I would ever sleep again without the contenting thump of it pressed onto
me.
Eren has no need to be glum or worried over my stupid mood swings because the
only way he'd ever fail me or make me truly uncontrollably angry is if that
ticker of his ever dimmed to static muteness. But so long as I'm around, I'll
see to it that it never does and instead remains my personal lullaby for as
long as I selfishly can.
If I didn't realize it before, I did tonight—Eren is a special person. No one
has ever told me they loved me or danced with me or promised a future together
with me or felt proud to let everyone in the room know I was his. Most people
in their right mind would feel ashamed to even associate with a guy like me.
But not him. He's so invested in me that it almost makes me sick—in that
endearing, overwhelming sort of way. He actually wants to get to know me, not
just ask me to bed before asking my name like everyone else. No one asks about
my childhood or past, but Eren does because Eren genuinely cares.
For the sake of his curiosity, I don't mind talking about my past (the few good
memories, that is), but the reason for my hesitation sometimes has a reasonably
explanation behind it. I went so long without talking about it because no one
ever inquired me about myself so I lost the urge long ago to talk about myself,
which is why I never bring it up or sound particularly interested when it comes
up. But really, I'm kind of thrilled when Eren questions me, so long as he
doesn't go overboard—which he usually does because he's Eren fucking Yeager and
moderation isn't in that boys vocabulary.
When I checked up on him to judge his current state, his giddy smile had
returned again and he was a shift in gear away from skipping down the block
like a frolicking school girl. I felt better after seeing that—I don't want him
to get the wrong idea just because I'm battling my own mood swings and trying
to come up with the perfect phrasing to ask him to sleep with me tonight—I
still have no idea how I'm going to bring this up.
"I had a really fun time with you, Levi."
I caught my keys in mid-spin and flicked a quick gaze on him. Depending on his
reply, I might be able to casually slip in the proposition after all. "...You
act like the fun is over."
"...It's not? I thought we were going home?"
"We are."
We kept walking and his hand felt weak in my grasp, like it took up too much
brain activity to think and firmly hold my hand at the same time. I broke the
eye contact, fed up with watching him internally struggle. "Why must the pretty
ones be so dumb?"
We walked a block or so more before he stopped short abruptly enough for our
hands to disconnect as I walked on, but I turned back to see Eren in a
motionless trance.
Did the dummy finally catch on?
"Wait. I might be wrong here but...Are we going to...y'know."
Yes—the dummy did indeed catch on. I propped a hand on my hip strictly. "Prove
to me that you're mature enough and say it."
He swallowed hard, his cheeks dusted with heat. "C-Come on, you're putting me
on the spot here..."
I spun back around on my heel and started walking in the direction of our home
again. "I guess we'll just have to go straight to bed when we get home." I let
out a yawn—and I wasn't added for emphasis, the yawn was genuine because I was
actually a bit tired, but sleep could definitely be put on the back burner if
Eren grows a pair and spits it out for me.
"Wait." And I did. I paused mid step. I waited for the words I desperately
needed to hear. When I hooked my gaze back for my reply, he straightened
himself out, coiling his hands as his side anxiously and trailed off
uncertainly, his cheeks burned hot enough to send warmth to the entire
underground community. "Are we going to...have...s...sex?"
He had asked with his eyes closed, cringing with erected shoulders like he was
waiting to be hit by a fist. A while after not hearing my voice, he peeked an
eye on me in search of my reaction.
I eyed him up and down, inspecting that body of his that stood overwhelmingly
stiff and gawky in that awkward-teenager way, but still oh so desirable and I
hated myself for coming to terms with wanting him so badly that my loins
practically begged. I have thought it over a lot. And it's finally settled.
I need to have that body all to myself, preferably tonight. My mind started to
trail off with thoughts of what I wanted to do in detail to that body with very
vivid imagery.
His body is completely pure and untouched and I bit my lip at the thought as a
wave of tingles tickled over me. Just like the mischievous child I once was, I
had a craving to run wild with him like a fresh patch of snow still untouched
by inhabitants and make the territory mine, but instead of leaving my engraved
footprints in the snow, I wanted to leave invisible fingerprints on his skin
that would never wash off.
In spite of the thirsty desire building up, I managed to replied dully with,
"Yeah. If you want to."
A path of red formed cheek to cheek and his eyes grew watery from the
overwhelming excitement as he gasped at the confirmation. "Of-of course I want
to! But...I don't want you to feel any pressure..."
I stepped closer to him and turned a soft gaze to him. "That only applies to
you, Eren. I'm ready—hell, I'm always ready to get laid, but this is a big deal
for you. If you're really not ready, it's fine. The offer will always stand so
don't think it's now or never. Whether it's tonight or next year I don't care.
But you have to be absolutely sure that you're ready."
God, please not next year—I practically waited three already. That kid
had begged me back then to touch him and I couldn't bring myself to deflower a
child, but that child had since filled out and turned into a boy, but now I
wanted to make him into a man.
I've always been terrible with words but body language is my forte—having said
that, I'm still new to the whole love concept, therefore I want him to prove to
me how much he actually loves me in a way I'll understand: by fucking me like I
have never been fucked before.
This isn't to say I'm expecting much from a virgin, but I had never slept with
someone who claimed to genuinely love me. That's bound to be completely
different from the lays I've received from past partners because Eren wouldn't
be fucking me because he paid for it and wanted to get off. Eren wouldn't be
fucking me forcefully for his own needs against my will or using me as a toy.
Eren wouldn't be fucking me as a coping mechanism or a stress reliever.
Eren would quite literally be making love to me because he's genuinely very
fond of me. If Eren decides to go through with it, either tonight or sometime
in the future when he's ready, than it will surely be a first experience for
both of us.
Although I haven't thought it, I subconsciously knew in my heart that Eren was
the only one I could ever experience that with and he will be the last—only a
kid as dumb as him will ever love me, after all. Strangely enough, I was
completely content with that.
When I had snapped back to reality, my hands were in his and his eyes glowed
with worry on me. "But... I got the impression back at the bar that you didn't
want to go all the way."
"Not in there, not some dirty tavern room. If were going to do it, were doing
it in our house in our bed."
With a suggestive leer, he lifted one of the hands he had claimed and laid a
peck down. I stared down with sunken brows—I'll never give him credit for it,
but that was pretty damn smooth, not that I'm in the position to know what
could be considered romantic. When I looked up to see where he was driving at,
my mouth was stolen by a kiss so sudden that I didn't even have time to close
my eyes.
When we parted lips, we remained in the middle of the path for several moments
as my eyelids hooded contently at the comforting touch of his thumb swiping
over my cheek. Eren studied my eyes, looking at each carefully for several long
moments and a smiled he tried to hide crept over his face.
"In that case, let's hurry home."
Chapter End Notes
     100% smut in the next one—and the one after that. You're welcome in
     advance. Still, I apologize again for making you wait another
     chapter, but you'll honestly be sick of smut by the time I'm through
     with these boys, heuehu... The next update won't take as long,
     promise. But thanks for your patience during this busy time in my
     life. :3
***** Amorous *****
Chapter Summary
     Levi might not understand the concept of love as well as Eren, but he
     is exceptionally adept with other forms of affections. Being the
     mature adult he is, he plans to pass his knowledge down to the
     clueless kid. It benefits them both greatly in the long run, after
     all.
Chapter Notes
     HERE IT IS. ERERI SMUT. YOU LOVELY PATIENT PEOPLE, YOU GUYS WAITED
     220K+ FOR THIS. ...I-I hope I don't disappoint. ;~; Prepare
     yourselves because there will be a lot of porn randomly thrown in
     from now on!
     Still can't believe 20k+ went into this smut chapter. What. How did
     that even happen? Like, they're literally in bed the entire time, I
     don't even know where this word count came from. I swear when I'm
     writing or when I read the chapter back it never feels that long, but
     somehow my word count still explodes every time! (\._.)/
     Anyway, I'll shut up now. Go enjoy the sex.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
On its own my body found its way to the bed. I fell hard on my stomach and sunk
into the mattress like stone thrown in a river. My muscles thanked me for the
soft landing after such an adventurous outing. It's really been one hell of an
evening; breathing fresh air for the first time in three years, going up on the
Wall with Eren and sharing that gorgeous view together, spending the night
talking, listening to music and dancing in the tavern—I can honestly say I
enjoyed myself. For the first time in so long, I felt at ease—not only because
I felt free momentarily from this dark pit I call home, but because I got so
much off my chest tonight; words I never thought I'd say came out, feelings I
never felt before flowed through me, and I kissed Eren the way I've been
desperately tempted to for years.
When I looked back at all that happened, it's hard to believe that the night is
still far from over.
Before lethargically heading up stairs a moment ago, I had checked on Mikasa,
seeing that she was sleeping soundly in her room. I clicked the door shut and
inspected the rest of the house, affirming that Hanji and Mike thankfully had
taken their leave before Eren and I got back from the tavern, but of course
Hanji couldn't leave without imprinting her presence behind somehow. For one,
it reeked of Hanji, but I became used to that greasy stench long ago, but it
was extra potent and fresh. With Mike's strange quirk of sniffing everything
and everyone with his strong sense of smell, I don't know how he can bear it.
The living room was a mess and the combining scent of nail polish also lingered
on. The kitchen was in shambles as well. It appears the three of them made
dinner together and didn't bother tidying up. While tallying up the damage made
to the kitchen, I found a note on the counter written in Hanji's hand.
Congrats of the hot young boyfriend,  L evi.
Hope you guys had fun.
I better hear all about it soon!
- Hanji
P. S. I'm sending you the bill for the repairs on my 3DMG.
I crumbled the paper in a fit of rage, tossing it in the wastebasket before
Eren could see, but him being the curious little shit he is, he still asked me
about the contents of the letter. I quickly got him to back off when I threaten
him with saying: "If I have to bicker right now, I won't have enough
of strength." He caught my drift and that was the end of it.
I never, in all the time I've knew Eren, seen him shut that big mouth of his so
quickly. It was like enchanting a magic spell; I actually made Eren shut his
mouth without a deadly threat involved. I felt powerful—unstoppable. If I can
hold sex as a bargaining chip so Eren does what I say the moment I say it
without any lip in return, my life will become ten times easier in the future.
And who knows, maybe the brat will gain a little more maturity after he gets
laid.
In quick spurts, I kept feeling myself drift off into unconscious numbness, but
I'd force myself awake whenever I felt myself going under too deep. I
involuntary groaned into the pillow when it struck me that I wouldn't be
sleeping any time soon. Although my body was tired, my steady heart waked with
a rough pound when I reminded myself why I'm keeping myself awake.
By the sound of it, Eren struck a match and lit the bedside candle, the gentle
warm flicker seen beneath my heavy lids along with his shadow shifting around
the light. The shapes created by his movements soothed me, and I nearly caught
myself drifting to sleep again—that is, until a weight deflated one side of the
mattress. I slit an eye open in time to see Eren crawling onto it, causing the
bed to tremor as he did. Then he left my sight and a sudden solid weight
crushed down on me; he had sprang up on my back like the saddle of a limp,
lifeless horse.
"Get off." The demand was muffled, diluting the intensity I deliberated.
"I intend to."
Due to my drowsiness I didn't catch on to his hidden innuendo until it was too
late. His arms stood like pillars on either side of my head. Between the back
pockets of my pants, I felt a hard friction rub subtly along against me—but
stopped just as fast as it began.
"S-Sorry. I don't know why I started doing that."
Really, he doesn't know where these sexual impulses are coming from by now? Are
his instincts really that animalistic? That little gesture of his woke me up a
bit, or at least woke one part of me into alertness. Being a firm believer of
finishing what you started, I urged him on by scooting into an arched position.
I drove my hips back, thrusting back into Eren's crotch.
My anxious breath rode over my shoulder as I eyed him directly. "If you're
going to be shy about it, then I'll assume you're not ready."
"A-aah...W-Wait." Too much for him to handle, he grasped onto my hips, trying
to gain some control over the rough friction between us. If he reacts this way
over a little dry humping, I can't imagine what his reaction will be to actual
penetration—can't say I wasn't looking forward to it. "...I'm-I'm just
nervous..." Letting out a tiny utter in his throat, Eren squeezed his eyes
tight after another rough rub, his cheeks burning hotter than the candle flame
lighting the room.
That teasing sound he made was heavenly—I became greedy and wanted more, but
not without clarifying. I dug my nails into the pillow, nervous myself. "Are
you sure you're ready, Eren? You thought it through enough, right?"
Thoughtfully, his trembling hands glided down my rib cage and curved around my
hips, he felt out my body as he mulled over my question for a reasonable amount
of time. "I promise, I'm ready. I've been ready all this time."
Now that I had complete consent, there was no reason to hold back anymore,
thank God, because I honestly don't know how I'd survive without fucking him
tonight. Itching for rougher friction, I reached my hand back and reeled him
closer, holding him snugger against my ass and began moving my hips along the
protruding bump. Another little grunt slipped out of him as he thrusted back,
synchronizing with the rhythm I created.
I whirled my neck back at an uncomfortable angle and pressed a hand against his
chest. I unhinged a yawn, making it difficult to speak. "You have to take our
clothes off before you can stick it it in, you know."
He went still. "...Yeah, and you need to be awake."
"I am, I am," I slurred. "I'm just tired." My head fell back to the fluff of
the pillow, my eyes closing. "Let me rest a bit, I'll be good to go in fifteen.
Take a bath in the meantime."
"Wha—no." He sounded offended at the idea. "I don't need one. I just took one
last night."
"Hm, whatdaya know, looks like you're due for another." You shouldn't be
dirty before sex, which Eren certainly was. He's been sweating nervously all
this time and I can't imagine how he'd be after sex; probably like an unrung
mop. I want to start off with a clean slate.
"Fine," he reluctantly huffed, but his words suddenly snapped like a commanding
whip, "but don't fall asleep. I will wake you up."
I felt his weight shift off me hastily. I closed my eyes again as I listened to
the rhythmic beat of his bare feet pattering down the steps. A quick nap while
he's taking a bath will earn back some of my strength. I'm definitely going to
need it, I had a feeling it was going to be a long night.
It's bad enough I'm so out of practice, but I don't want to be too tired to
keep up with a virgin. Plus, if I let my thoughts run loose while he's in the
bath, I might realize this is a horrible idea that will effect us for the long
haul and back out. It's better for everyone if I shut my mind off for a little
while.
I felt sloppy nibbles land on my neck and I squirmed with a sour pout at the
wet sensation. Little cold water droplets splatted against my cheek and I
cringed awake. "Mmm." I opened an eye, peeved that I've been woken up. I
shuffled awake and twisted into a seated position, too groggy to comment that
Eren was sitting in my lap now.
He shook his hair out like a wet dog, water droplets landed right in my eye. I
tsked and wiped the blur away so that I could let my eyes glaze over his tan,
glimmering complexion; my sight traveling lower until his happy trail led the
rest of the way, guiding me to his low unzipped pants.
"Are you ready now?" he whispered in my ear and let his tongue ride over my
neck as he moved his hand to the front of his pants. I strained my eyes down
and watched as he started to grab at himself through the jeans. I reclined my
head out of his range and caught his hand, pulling it away from the growing
bulge.
"I'm the only one who gets to touch you tonight." Eren spent far too many years
playing with his own body—he had his fun, now it's my turn to play. My hand
cupped up hard into his crotch and he flinched from the sudden pleasurable
clash. The eyes he once bore as a child revisited, softening on me like a long
awaited release poured over him.
Setting both hands my hips, he pulled me into his lap, our bodies kneading
against each other as we explored and memorized each slope of each others
bodies. His hand found home on my ass and he set those smiling lips on mine.
Our tongues flicked together and glided into a twining clasp. I pumped my hips
in his lap and he moaned sensually in my mouth. His hold loosened as I ran my
hand up his body and onto his shoulder—then pushed him away and fleetly tilted
my head to the side.
If we get too deep into this I won't be able to stop.
"Wait. Hold on a bit longer. Let me go clean up first."
After wiping away some spit from his lower lip, Eren scrunched his brows down.
"No. We're not stopping again. I don't care if you bathe or not. "
"Well, I do." I tried to wiggle free from his hold but he pressed a hand down
on my chest, trying to pin me in place—he managed to get me on my back and
crawled over to barricade me, making my escape seem less likely.
"You can't just start touching me and then leave. Besides," his eyes painted
over me as a stiff swallow traveled down length of his neck. "I'm just going to
make you dirty again anyway."
I worked my fingers into his hair, massaging his scalp and I half expected him
to start twitching his leg like a content pup. Instead, the touch weakened him
enough to unknowingly loosen his restrain me. "Patience child. I'll be quick."
He pouted with a displeased rumble in his throat and continued to utter
grumbling curses as he rolled off me and lazily spread out against the sheets.
Now that he's throwing a tantrum I'll have no trouble running off for a quick
wash. I know Eren doesn't take personal hygiene as seriously as I do, but I
don't want the kid to lose his virginity to some greasy old man that's been
sweating all evening—can't do much about the old part, though, but I could at
least thoroughly wash myself so I smell pleasant.
We're going to be closer to each other than we've ever been before tonight and
I want to offer him a clean body to play with, because even though he's an
annoying little shit he deserves the best I could give. I only wish I could
offer him an unused and untainted toy instead, but there's no turning back time
and by now, Eren is used to settling for second-hand, anyway.
Holding onto the banister and readying to descend downstairs, I added, "And you
might as well remove your clothing while you're waiting." Just as Eren peeled
his head up to shoot me a surprised reaction, I left.
Fresh and still damp from the bath, I nearly finished ruffling my hair in the
towel by the time I climbed back up and walked in on Eren pacing like a
pendulum, as if searching for a prey. When his hungry eyes set on me, he halted
dead in his tracks. I looked down at myself, curious at what grabbed that
short-attention span of his.
Right. I'm wearing nothing more than an over-sized button-up blouse that had
become translucent over my moist skin—that's reason enough for a teenage boy to
screech to a stop. After getting a good look of my upper half, his rounding
eyes fell and took immediate notice of my exposed legs. He gulped and I
couldn't tell if he was still wet from the bath or if he began to sweat again.
"I told you to take your clothes off," I announced simply and padded closer,
still shaking the towel in my dripping locks. He was still wearing his unzipped
trousers that sat low on his waist, barely resting up on his protruding hip
bones. I never thought an item of clothing would piss me off—but they did. I
wanted them off because they're selfishly hiding what I want most right now.
"I didn't wanna just stand here waiting in the nude..."
Ain't that cute. If he really is in love with me, he needs to get used being
nude around me...but considering it's his first time, I don't blame the kid.
Even though I'm not ashamed of my body in the slightest and never had a problem
showing it off to anyone, I'm even a little hesitant about boldly exposing
myself to him too. It feels odd—I've known him for so long and we've never seen
each other completely nude before. Everyone whose seen my bare body only knew
me for a few minutes prior, tops a day. But Eren has been at my side every day
for the past three years and he never once saw me without any clothes on.
I wonder if he already sketched an image in his mind on how I'm supposed to
look underneath these clothes. I tugged at my collar, trying to hide the
insecurity. I can only hope I reach those expectations.
Trying to shake off the diffidence, I found myself and said, "Well, I'm here
now. Take your clothes off."
Eren yanked on each end of the towel wrapped around his neck, then whipped it
to the side into the hamper, like a sudden streak of confidence fled through
him. His thumbs inserted his waistband, readying to pull them down—but he
stopped before the big, or small, or average reveal. "Can—Can you look the
other way?"
The prior suspense had stiffened me up, but now I found my shoulders drooping
loosely in annoyance. I set a hand on my hip, giving a tilt of the head that
suggested I was running low on patience. "Eren. We're going to have sex. I'm
going to see every inch of you naked tonight regardless of how well you try to
hide yourself."
Eren's cheeks bloomed like a fresh summer rose and he dropped his gaze to the
floor, I could almost hear his internal screaming.
I wanted to hide my nerves myself, so a defense mechanism switched on and I
said the first thing that popped in my head. "You're just trying to hide your
little prick from me, aren't you?"
Eren snapped his head up at the accusation. "Oh my God, no. It's not small."
The confidence fizzled out. "I'm probably not as big as you want, though..." He
stepped back a space and sat on the bed, his eyes fell to the floor again, his
brows curving upward. I hadn't expected him to look glum about it—I thought
he'd go on to argue about how he's Titan-sized and abandon his shyness to
proved me wrong.
"...That was kind of uncalled for, I shouldn't have said that." After disposing
my towel on top of Eren's in the hamper, I sauntered over and took a seat
beside him, my arms holding up my weight behind me. The fabric of the shirt rid
up my thighs, leaving a dangerous amount of skin exposed. Despite his low
spirits, Eren—of course—noticed that.
"Listen, I don't care about size, it's what you do with it that counts."
"Psh," he almost laughed, "like that makes a virgin like me feel better. I
don't know what to do with it." He buried his face in hand. "Ugh, this is going
to suck. I'm sorry."
"You haven't even started yet."
"Still, I don't know what I'm doing—I mean," his voice rose higher with worry,
"I know the general gist on what to do, but I'm probably gonna make a ton of
mistakes."
I inhaled a bothered breath. "Calm down, idiot. I won't let you make a fool out
of yourself. I'll walk you through it—if I must. It's not that hard, but don't
be afraid to ask questions, unless they're stupid and ruin the mood."
Eren turned an unsteady smile to me, my words seemed to have comforted him
slightly. But the friendly gaze soon turned anxious as his eyes, once again,
fell to my lap. "So...um...how do we start?"
"Well," I crossed my legs and thought about how to phrase myself. "You've never
done this before, so I know you don't understand what your kinks are yet—but
the first thing we need to decide is our roles."
"Roles...?"
"Yes, roles. I know I did a shit job at explaining sex to you, but when two men
have sex they have assigned roles, you could say."
"Um..." Eren pondered, obviously not following. "The least complicated one,
please."
Typical for an idiot to say. I still had much to teach him.
"Neither way is complicated, it depends on what you're comfortable with. You
either fuck or get fucked. For example, I personally like getting fucked, but
it's up to what you want since it's your first time and all. I'm fine with
either role."
I've already done this more times than I'm willing to admit, so I don't really
care what role I'm given or what position I'm in so long as Eren's first time
lives up to his fantasies. Granted, I haven't been a top in ages, but depending
on what Eren wanted I'm willing to go either way. But something told me he had
the opposite in mind.
"I want to fuck you." He claimed boldly and I was correct in assuming he wanted
to top. He had leaned in when he said that, close enough to my face to cause
train of thought to leave me momentarily. He nuzzled his lips along my cheek,
peppering me with light pecks. I nestled my cheek against his hair
reflectively.
"Okay. And how would you like it?"
"...I'm confused. Didn't I just say I want to fuck you?"
"What position, Eren." I said flatly in one agitated breath.
...I should be more patient. How is he suppose to know about that? Hell, I
don't even know how much he knows or doesn't know. I guess I assumed some of
his rotten friends would've given him lewd lessons by now, but that doesn't
seem to be the case. I only scarcely told him about sex and everything else he
knew must've came from his own wild imagination and natural instinct.
"I feel like I'm filling out a form," he scratched his head, pondering. "I
don't know, what are my options?"
He's making this unnecessarily awkward—but to be fair, when I had decided to
sleep with Eren I knew I was in for an awkward experience. But, that isn't a
totally bad thing—this is new, interesting, not to mention exciting. For three
years the thought of sex had become boring to me, but he sparked some long lost
inspiration. I haven't felt my sex drive spike this high in years.
Eren returned to my neck, leaving gentle bites behind as I explained, "Well,
there's infinite positions, if you're creative and daring enough. But the
default one would be me laying on my back and letting you do the work. If you
think that's too much pressure, you could lay down and let me ride you—or, if
you're feeling shy you can just fuck me from behind so we don't have to look at
each other."
"No." He cut off immediately, looking me in the eye. "I wanna see your face
when we do it. Just lay down and let me do the work."
"Are you sure? I wouldn't mind doing the work until you get more used to it."
He shook his head fiercely with discord.
"Very well." I branched off behind him in a low crawl. I traveled up the bed
and twisted into the sheets, letting my damp hair fall onto the cushion of the
pillow. When Eren went to steal a shy peek at me, I gestured a luring finger,
coaxing him to come. While I watched him crawl over on his knees, entranced by
my silent call, I let my arm fall limply to the side, suddenly weakened from a
natural high—the sight of his muscles flexing from the noticeable tension
nearly made me overdose.
He slowly closed the space between us, looking unsure about how much closer he
should get, but I kept gesturing him closer and closer until he was straddling
my hips and looking down at me. Cupping both my shoulders, his bangs brushed my
brow as he moved his face in close, attacking my mouth with an eager tongue.
As he made out with me, he set more and more of his weight on me until he laid
flat on top of me, burdening me with his full weight as he squirmed his hips
into mine. He tucked his arms under me and I wrapped mine around him. We moaned
needily into each others mouths as we kept exchanging our saliva between each
other. I was so cold before, practically shivering from being damp from the
bath, but with Eren's steaming body smothering every inch of mine I felt
flaming and hot to the touch, and even remained that way when Eren repositioned
himself up in order to get a full look at me, his hands riding along the thin
cloth of my shirt as he observed.
I reached out in a daze, his bronzed skin feeling like a magnet. I leaned up a
little to season his collarbone with bittersweet kisses (I say bittersweet
because I went from softly kissing his skin to sucking it fiercely enough to
leave a bruise). After a final slippery suck on his skin that left an instant
mark, I laid back, but still worked his toned pecks into my cupped hands.
"You have such smooth skin, Eren." I kept my eyes on his body, letting my
finger lightly trace the grooves of his muscles.
"Thanks," he replied bashfully and his hand blindly found my thigh and rubbed
me lovingly. "So, uh...Can I take your clothes off?"
"Eren, you can do whatever you want." The kid seemed the type that would ask
permission for every little thing, and as sweet as it is for him to ask for
constant consent, that would lose its charm after a while and become a tedious
turn off—so, I worded my answer in a way that implied he didn't have to ask
permission tonight. Whether he understood the drift or not I don't know, but a
red flush crept across cheeks.
Without saying another word, he quickly clawed at my shirt, trying to pry the
buttons apart and I simply strained my judging eyes down at his struggle.
"Stupid...buttons..." Still trying to undo the shirt, he mumbled in irritation
under his breath, along with a few other curses—something about massacring said
buttons if they didn't cooperate with him. I blinked boredly at his pitiful
attempt. Of course Eren would have trouble accomplishing something so menial.
Growing tired of the display, I shooed his hands away and quickly and
effortlessly unfastened every button and spread the shirt apart.
Eren froze. Not even a lash batted. "...Oh my God." He marveled at the sight of
my revealed torso, the fluctuating of his chest turning harsh from the change
in breathing pattern.
I squared my shoulders, feeling violated suddenly. "...What?"
"Sorry it's just—your body is perfect. Where did you get all that muscle? I
never see you work out." I couldn't tell if he was envious, flattering me or
just delusional and horny.
"You seem surprised, you've already seen me topless before a few times."
"I know, but this time I can actually touch you. ...Right?" He rose a brow,
still unsure of what he was permitted to do to me.
"Yes, Eren. You can touch me anywhere you want."
"So...Does that mean I can play with your nipples?"
". . . . . . ." I was going to repeat myself again and remind him that he could
do whatever he wanted with me and didn't need to keep to asking, because
obviously saying you can do anything didn't come with restrictions. But on
second thought, hearing him ask permission and tell me what he desires to do
before he does it was kind of hot in its own way.
Instead of lecturing him, I nodded. He pressed both palms over my chest,
buffing in a circular motion until his thumbs found two hardening nubs that
protruded more as he skirted around them. I squirmed at the touch and bit my
lip when he began to pinch at the delicate flesh. I arched my back into a bow
to increase the pressure.
"Lick them." I demanded, the heat of the moment turning up.
Eren did just as he was told and dipped his head down and set those full lips
of his around my erect nipple. The flicking of his wet tongue sent a scorching
wave of sensations as he glazed my rigid tit in his hot saliva. He switched to
the other greedily, like a prowling scavenge taking more than his fair share
and encased his mouth around my peck. He sucked with a suction so intense it
was actually a little jarring. I couldn't help but note that he was quite
proficient at that.
I flinched suddenly, Eren had sunk his teeth into my nipple like a cranky
teething toddler and filled me with a stinging sensation I can only describe as
being injected with a poisonous venom; a venom that numbs you through the veins
like a shot of novacane, all just to weaken the pinned down prey.
He continued to nibble and suck back and forth between each, his knee driving
between my legs, I spread my thighs further apart at that. I was almost ashamed
at how aroused I was getting from his amateur moves—but virgin or not, Eren had
a marvelous mouth once he got the hang of using it.
He left my nipples hard and glossing with his hot saliva as his palms rode the
curves of my body down to the waist band of my underwear, where his hands
paused and admired every inch thoroughly with a number of speculative head
tilts.
"You have nice hips..." he bent forward to leave a kiss and I rolled my lower
half to reach his lips halfway. I let my hands tangle in his messy brunette
hair as his tongue traced along my hipbone—but the gentle licking soon turned
to a ravish attack and he bit my flesh deep, sending a cold chill through me.
I gasped in a hissing utter and pressed my lips tight with a flinched. My eye
twitched from the sudden water spurting out. That will definitely leave a mark.
"Sorry..." He bowed his head in shame and rubbed the injury gently, but it only
made the sting worse. "I'm having trouble holding back."
"Don't be. You're not doing half bad."
"Really?" He snapped a small smile up. He took a deep relieved breath before
speaking again. "I'm ready to move on to the next step now, if you are."
I nodded and he braced himself with another breath before digging his fingers
into the waistband of my underwear, tugging them down as I squirmed my hips
against the mattress to aid in his struggle until they lopped around my ankles,
no longer able to keep me covered. I laid completely bare beneath Eren now.
Once he untangled my underwear from around my feet and tossed them aside, Eren
turned back to me with a wide stared—and then looked to be paralyzed when he
set his gaze between my legs. I thought he'd malfunctioned and I broke the poor
kid. I was a half a second away from rebooting him with a smack.
The longer he stared, the more self-conscious I felt—which was downright weird
because I never felt such a feeling in my life. Feeling insecure from being the
only one exposed, I pushed him up to his knees, looking him straight in the
eye. I felt his hardness through his pants already and I let my hand wander up
the denim, crossing over his thighs. If I didn't release his stiffness from the
confinements of the trousers soon, it looked as though it will break free
itself and need a costly tailor job.
Rustling of clothing became the rooms ambiance as I slowly shimmied down his
pants, then I finally rewarded myself with a hesitant glance down.
His cock seemed to have sprung up to welcome my gaze. I blinked and tilted my
head at it, scrutinizing for a long while until I came to my final verdict that
I can only express by saying, "Thank fucking God."
"W-What?" Flustered, Eren recoiled from my sudden words, his teeth grinding
anxiously. His cheeks colored with a hue pinker than the tip of his virgin
cock.
I grabbed hold of it as casually as holding his hand—he let out a cut-off cry
as his eyes rolled in to back of his head.
"It's not tiny. I was worried about that." What a waste this would have been if
Eren wasn't yet fully development down there. Just because he had a body of an
adult didn't mean that part was caught up with him yet. That didn't seem to be
the case, though. It isn't ridiculously huge and he certainly wasn't Titan-
sized like he claimed; he still probably had some more growing to do, but it
wasn't terrible. I had much smaller and I'll be generous enough to call him
average.
"Told you."
"You're not bigger than me though, so don't get cocky."
I smothered the chuckle begging for escape with the back of my hand. I saw the
opportunity and went for it and I was satisfied with myself, but Eren didn't
look as amused with my response as he crooked a brow at me.
"I swear to God Levi, if you start making stupid puns right now my dick will
shrivel up for the rest of the night. I'm bigger than you in every other area
anyway, so you shouldn't get cocky."
What a little shit. I gave his cock in hand a firm squeeze and the way his
voice squeaked like an adolescent child granted me satisfying power. "Here's a
life tip, kid: You shouldn't piss someone off who has your dick in their hand."
"N-Noted." Adjusted to the tight hold now, he smirked, and his body loosened up
and wormed into my grasp, urging me to pump—however, he didn't give me much
time to start stroking, he already began slipping his smooth cock between my
fingers.
I wasn't teasing him before, he was an average size, but I wanted him to
realize it's still me; that I might be naked and about to have sex with him but
I'm still the same familiar person he's gotten to know all these years. My quip
seemed to have reminded him of that and calmed him down—he was too damn stiff
and jittery before so my intentions weren't in vain.
With the way he was so nervous about taking his clothes off, I expected a
disappointed outcome. But I was pleasantly surprised. "You had me worried there
for a minute, though." I watched as his hardness moved in an out of my cupped
hand; little droplets of pre-cum already dispersed from the tip and lubricated
his path. "I thought you had a baby dick or something."
Breaking his concentration, he furrowed his brows and halted the movement of
his hips. "I thought you said you didn't care about size?"
"About that—" I picked up his slack and started jerking him with a shift motion
of my wrist. "I just said that just in case you were actually small 'cause I
didn't want you to get all sensitive. But no, bigger the dick the better."
He laughed. "You're unbelievable," and soon his laughter turned to a shaky cry
directed to the ceiling. "Fuck. Like, really unbelievable—holy shit, Levi. I
can't believe you're touching it right now."
"I wanna do more than touch it," I pumped harder, feeling my opening throb at
the thought of him slipping inside me, like my entrance was already greedily
begging to become closely acquainted with Eren's cock. "You're still gonna put
it in me, right? As soon as I'm prepped a bit, that is."
"As soon as you explain what prepping is, then hell yeah I'm going to put it
inside you."
"It's basically just to save my ass—literally. I can usually survive without
any prepping sometimes, but I haven't had sex in a few years so I don't want to
shock my body."
"...Years?" He repeated.
"Yeah. Why, is that surprising?"
"Ye—No. I just. I'll be sure to be careful, I promise." His words came out
carefully, canvased with a grin. I couldn't tell if his words were genuine or
if he was giddy about something else. That restless stare of his suggested
otherwise, making me dismiss his promise. I felt I'd be teared apart bit by bit
like a piece of meat with the way he looked at me. Something told me he would
be anything but careful, because careful has never been a part of Eren Yeager's
personality.
He pinned a pinching grasp on my thigh as he eyed my spread legs, every inch of
them but shying from the center. "S-So what do I do first?"
Deciding not to give him a play-by-play, I stretched out to rifle through the
bedside draw with my free hand. I felt around until the shape of a tube-shaped
vile entered my hand. It had a light layer of dust on it since I never had a
use for it all these years. I wondered briefly if lube could expire, but
decided not to dwell on it. I tossed it to him and he caught it awkwardly in
his chest. "Like I said, you need to prep me a bit."
The kid looked at the bottle like I gave him a riddle he had yet to figure out.
"Right... I can do that."
He still has no idea what I'm talking about, does he?
He flicked the cap with the tip of his thumb and with a pop it shot off flying
across the room. "...Oops."
I rolled my eyes—but couldn't help but to look back, because as much second-
hand embarrassment I received from seeing Eren like this, it was pretty
adorable, I had to admit. Noticing his hesitation, I coached him on the next
step. "Pour some out on your fingers."
With focused determination, he tilted the bottle and let the slick liquid pour
out into his hand. The amount was too much and his hand made squishing sounds
as he coiled his slippery fingers into a fist, then released, looking unsure
what to do with the extra amount.
He switched the bottle to his lubricated hand and reached for a tissue, (I had
a feeling we'd be using a lot of those tonight) but the bottle had slipped out
from his hand like a wet bar of soap. With obstinate effort, he had tried to
catch the vile mid-flight, but it bounced off his palm and dropped to the
floor, and finally rolled itself under the bed.
"Damnit. It's so slippery...W-Where'd it go?" he nervously chucked and I
slapped a hand over my face dragged my features down irritably.
"This is really sad." I don't think I ever slept with someone so awkward
before, having said that we didn't even sleep together yet and it was already
this bad. At this rate I'm going to sigh whilst rolling my eyes away from his
embarrassment the whole time.
Eren is rock hard and already dripping fluids; the droplets of pre-cum oozing
down my wrist couldn't be measured as I jerked him, his lower half quivered
wildly as I did—just seeing that made me hard, but we were both left erect with
no where for Eren to put his dick because he lost the damn lube and doesn't
know how sex works. It should be a classified crime against humanity to be that
attractive but be so hopelessly clumsy and awkward when it comes to sex.
"This is all your fault, you know! You're the one just laying there with your
l-legs spread in front of me!"
"Uh, yeah, because that's necessary to have sex?"
"I know that but..." he pouted childishly with a blush, looking astray.
"Eren just take a deep breath and go find the damn bottle."
The weight of him released from me and I gave him a little kick in his tush to
urge him to hurry up. By the time I checked on him again, he was ducking beside
the bed, looking beneath. Christ. Here I am naked and horny and the guy I'm
supposed to be fucking right now is rifling through dust bunnies under the bed.
"It rolled really far away...ah..." his voice strained as he reached. "Got it."
He pushed himself to his knees and shook the bottle upside down, only a drop or
two leaking out. "It's empty... it must have all spilled out..."
I chewed my inner lip and I'm sure steam began to rise from my head. He's lucky
I have a plan B or else I wouldn't have taken his clumsiness so lightly. "It's
a good thing you made me buy all that lotion a while back." I pointed to the
general direction of the dresser on the opposite side of the room and Eren
followed my silent gesture.
My eyes traced over the grooves of the tight muscles holding together his back,
I found myself licking my lips as my eyes fell all the way down to his defined
ass—I have no idea why he was being shy about undressing in front of me before.
I liked what I seen so much that I couldn't help but say, "Not bad."
"Hm?" Eren spun back, bottle in hand but I waved him off in dismissal and
instead lured him back to bed with a husky sounding, "Come here."
He returned to his previous spot on my thigh and started to unscrew the cap of
the lotion, but I yanked it away before he could make another mess. I squeezed
the creamy white texture and circled the gunk on my fingers. "Just let me do
this part. I don't want you to do it wrong and make this painful for both of
us. Just watch and learn."
Eren leaned forward, watching carefully and for the first time in his life he
looked interested while learning something new. If only he paid this much
attention during his math lessons.
His dick twitched the moment he watched a lone finger coat my outer hole with
thick glob of lotion. The exterior moistened up thoroughly as I massaged the
puckered gap in a circular motion. Tingles began to swim through me, from where
I was rubbing to the tip of my hardening cock.
Eren did no more than scarcely blink. A heated wave surged through me at the
sight of those beautiful eyes witnessing such a dirty act of mine. I've always
loved the innocence those teal-green eyes held, but right now I wanted to see
them flare with lust; with a greedy need and beastly craving that only my body
could quench.
I made sure to pay close attention to his reaction as I slipped my middle
finger slowly inside. Blindly, with his eyes still fixed and concentrated, Eren
ghosted a hand along my inner thigh, rubbing tenderly and leaving a trail of
goosebumps behind. I burnt up from his warm touch, but at the same time his
gentle touches felt like cubes of ice and I shivered from the overwhelming
battle of temperature fighting for dominance.
Bracing myself with stiff shoulders, I pushed my finger deeper inside, the
creamy lotion overflowed and leaked out as I pressed in further until a trace
of it couldn't be found. I wiggling it around the smooth inner walls with
breathy sighs accompanying.
His attention remained on my self-penetration, and my focus stayed on his face,
as if feeding off every little reaction. Being so glued to the scene as he
were, he didn't notice until it was too late that my hand found its way back to
his dick and I started where I left off with it.
With a jolt, a shaky shrill spilled out; the kind of cry that told a partner
they needed to slow down, but I took it as an invitation to pump even harder,
desiring to pull out even more of those sounds. My hand wrapped around the
width of it perfectly, yet it still felt overwhelmingly full in my grasp. I
gave it a firm tug and another finger entered inside. I writhed my hips around
the double-penetration and I spread the tight gap apart, wanting to quickly
stretch it out so that Eren could fit that fat cock of his in with ease. My
head rolled back with a heavy sigh at the thought of the hardness in my hand
entering me.
The anxious glide of a needy hand rid up from my thigh. A light tickle of
fingertips traced along my hip as Eren teasingly surveyed the area around my
stiffening cock. His eyes shot up at me and I panted hotly at the thought I
knew he had in mind. I drove my hips up impatiently and Eren caught my
throbbing cock, giving it a tug that caused me to melt into the mattress.
"Ah...That's a good boy..." I praised with an airy accent. My heavy lids
weighed down and I kept an unfocused gaze behind my thick lashes.
Now this I know he'll be good at. He had years of practice, I'm pretty sure you
can qualify Eren as a jacking-off champion after all those nights of playing
with himself beneath the blankets. When he began to motion his hand around my
length, a rhythm of throbs bashed within my body like a vicious knock. I grid
my teeth at the ripple of shocks that shot through me.
I'm the first to soil that hand of his—he's never touched another man there
before and some sick and perverted part of me got off to stealing the virginity
of his hand. And not only that—Eren's the first to touch me there in three
years—I, of course, would succumb to a quick wank every once in a while, but
nothing beat the sensations that came from a good handjob from another person.
His wrist motioned quick with skillful precision. I couldn't even match the
speed and pressure that pounded against my pelvis. In spite of feeling myself
grow weak with pleasure, I tried not to fall behind and did my best to mimic
his movements. My toes curled in the sheets as I forced my lips tight, holding
my breath to immerse myself in the sensations. But every so often, I'd become
desperate for a deep breath of air and I'd unhinge my lips, only to let a
shameful-sounding whimper erupt instead.
Still stirring my fingers deep inside myself, I let my eyes wander to the show
below my wildly fluctuating belly, seeing Eren thoroughly work my piece base to
tip. I switched my sight to his naughty eyes concentrating on his work like a
good boy; a good boy that's going to be rewarded very well tonight.
After letting out his own share of shivering moans, he spoke in soft drone, one
so silky I mistook it for a dirty comment at first. "What are you thinking
about right now?"
"Huh?" My eyes popped wider with a tilted brow. I peered up at him, stopping
the motion of my hand. "What am I'm thinking about?" I mirrored back to him. I
slept with a ton of perverts that said a lot of weird shit during sex, but that
is by far the weirdest line I've every heard.
Taking a while to reply, Eren scrambled for an explanation, "It's just...I want
to know what goes through your mind, especially at a time like this."
I started stroking him again contemplatively, looking far off to the left. "I'm
blank."
"Oh." Disappointment mixed with pleasure creates a peculiar sound, who knew.
I've never been asked that during sex before—then again, no one I ever slept
with actually cared about me enough to give a shit about what I thought about.
At times I felt like people saw me as an emotionless sex doll rather than an
actual person with feelings who was just short on cash.
"Okay, I'm sort of lying." I sighed, giving in. "I was thinking about how much
I like your voice."
"Really? I always thought you said I sounded annoying and whiny."
"You do, but I like the way you moan," I admitted with no shame attached and
Eren leaned over to meet my lips. I clenched his bottom lip between my teeth,
nibbling a little as we continued to work on each others cocks in hand. Between
imprecise kisses, he let me closely watch the way his face twisted from the
ripple of pleasure coursing though him as he let that pretty voice of his free.
I had the sudden urge just to attack him, pin him down and force him inside me
and ride him until that sweet voice of his became hoarse with a raw throat—and
I probably would have done exactly that if I hadn't become so powerless from
Eren's strokes.
As if I jinxed myself, he started stroking me even more fiercely, his muscles
tensing like a fighter hyping himself up for a match. "I want to make you moan
too. I wanna see you completely lose it...that's what I'm thinking."
"Best of luck with that." Eren really does have an awful habit of setting
himself up for unreachable goals.
But apparently, Eren was the luckiest kid in the world tonight, because after a
minute of his energetic, non-stop movements from his fingers, he pointed out
something that made a sudden heatwave rush to my cheeks.
"You're... already starting to drip..."
Checking for myself that I was indeed springing a leak of pre-cum from the tip,
I returned my eyes to him and I tried to recover some of the composure I lost,
because I sure as hell didn't need to answer Eren with a voice that suited some
damsel in distress. "Don't flatter yourself. It's just been a while."
"Hmph," he huffed offendedly and I closed my eyes to block the childish pout
from my vision. "God forbid you give me a little credit here."
"I'll...hah...give you some when you...earn it." I practically had to bite back
the sensual sounds begging for release.
"Mmm."
I reopened my eyes and wasn't welcomed with an anticipated sight. With a thin
smirk pasted on his lips, Eren slouched closer to inspect me close-up. I sunk
my head deeper into the fluff of the pillow to create space.
"Those little moans you're trying to hold back is enough to tell me I'm doing a
good job."
"Psh. You wish. Just shut u—Aah...!" My eyes protruded from their sockets and I
must have bounced a few inches off the mattress from that; the no-good brat had
tightly twisted on my cock like a serpent strangling the neck of its prey. I
nearly saw my life flash before my eyes—and after that sound I made, I kind of
wish it really was my final end. To say it didn't feel fucking amazing, though,
would be a blatant lie.
"Oi, you should practice what you preach. You should know better than anyone
that you shouldn't piss someone off when your dick is in their hand~"
With a small smirk and thin eyes to match, I almost believed I was looking into
a mirror for a second. What a cheeky bastard. I quickly came to the conclusion
that Eren is more suited for the dominate role than I previously believed. Call
me impressed. He does deserve credit, not exclusively for earning it with his
amateur skills (though he sort of did) but he's a faster learner than I give
him credit for (well, relating to inside the bedroom, at least). If he keeps
that up this will be great experience for the both of us.
Feeling that I fell behind in the race long ago, I concentrated fully on his
pulsating hardness. I won't be outshone my some brat just because I'm out of
practice. My handjobs have always been top notch and I'm going to prove that to
him—
—Well, I planned to, but Eren had finished with no prior warning before I had
time to demonstrate. And he didn't just simply finish into my hand nor did his
juices dribble out to the bed. His hot cum had squirted out with a wild spasm
of his hips and it rained down on me like a fierce storm. Drips of white
splattered and dotted across my stomach. Eren nearly fainted from the
impressive load he released.
"S-Shit..." Eren shuffled for a tissue on the nightstand. "I'm sorry..."
I was still in slight shock, to be honest, blinking blankly and hardly noticing
Eren wiping my stomach clean. Sleeping with a virgin is kind of thrilling, in a
way—they can't hold back as much as a grown adult, so the exact moment they
come is a mystery, like cranking up a jack-in-the-box and waiting for the clown
to pop out.
Just as Eren finished cleaning me off, I returned to my senses in time to hear
him say, "See, I told you I'd get you dirty again."
Where the hell did he learn smooth talk like that? Surely he couldn't have
picked it up from me. This night is turning out better than expected, that's
for sure. I brushed my fingers up his chest gently, passing the neck and
finally caressing his cheek. "And I want you to make me even dirtier."
Eren gulped as he watched me spread my thighs further apart. His eyes expanded
as well and that cocky attitude of his disappeared. Keeping locked on Eren's
fixated eyes, I grabbed his wrist. "While were waiting for you to get ready
again, help me out."
I guided his two fingers and positioned them between me. I fledged control and
ran the tip of his finger along the outside of my wet hole. "Do you wanna play
with me here?"
He nodded eagerly. "Just...Just shove them in... like this?" he asked, but
didn't wait for a reply before literally shoving in his thick fingers. I
flinched with protruding eyes as I hissed at the piercing pain of his nails
digging along my inner walls.
"S-Sorry!"
"Don't just shove them in, you oaf. You really need to learn to be a little
more delicate." If it hadn't been such a long time, I'd welcome some rough
play, but three years without a single lay is a long time and my body will need
plenty of exercise until it could handle some abuse again.
"I'll be more gentle now," he tried for round two, placing one hand on my hip
for leverage and slowly (too slowly) pushed his two fingers passed my entrance.
I let out a lustful sigh at the feel of those foreign fingers packing into me,
exploring the exotic new location they never visited before.
"It's so warm...and tight."
The slippery padding within bonded around his fingers tighter, nearly sucking
him in deeper on their own. "Yeah...Keep it slow like that." I instructed. "And
spread your fingers apart. " I thought it would be a chore, but explaining
every step to him was turning me on more than I'd like to admit.
Eren scissored his two fingers apart, forming a constrained little path
between. "I can barely move my two fingers around... Sre you sure I'm going to
fit in there?"
The lack of movement had me itching for more, so I stirred my hips around,
triggering off a few sensitive zones. "We'll make it fit," I finally answered.
Eren was indeed average in size, but I should mention that he's thick. Like
almost thicker-than-my-wrist thick and let's just say he didn't own
only one big head. There might be a slight problem, but I don't want to worry
his big head about it. Neither of his big heads.
I sprawled out and reached up to claw at the pillow, digging my nails into the
case. Soon Eren's free hand cupped into mine. I reeled it to my lips, leaving a
trail of kisses on his wrist and up to his outer palm to the tips of his
fingers. I left behind little nibbles above his nails and sucked on each
fondly. I've never found myself performing actions like that before—maybe
because I wasn't emotionally close enough to anyone to show tender actions like
that in the past, or maybe because the old me found such actions pointless if
it didn't induce pleasure. But some instinct in me kept craving to touch Eren
and kiss him in every spot within reach.
Every so often, I found myself checking on Eren's flaccid cock, waiting for him
to recover from his orgasm and become erect again because as wonderful as his
fingers felt, they paled in comparison to the thickness my body hungered for.
After a few more minutes of penetrating me with his fingers, his cock stood
strong again. The one pro of sleeping with a young hormonal kid is not having
to wait very long for them to get it up for a second round.
"Are you ready?" I asked impatiently and breathless, darting my eyes between
him and his hardness below.
Eren looked down as if he hadn't noticed his erection until now—I wasn't
surprised, he put so much of his focus on me after all. "...I guess I am...are
you?"
I honestly couldn't tell and I didn't care at this point. We only managed to
upgraded to two fingers and that probably wasn't enough to fully loosen me up,
but I rather suffer a little pain than sit through this agonizing wait any
longer.
Running a hand down his bicep, I gave him a subtle nod. Soon after, Eren
adjusted his position (and was a little clumsy in doing so) and snugly fit
himself between my legs. I let my thighs rest on top of his and my feet curled
impatiently against the sheets as he got comfortable. This has been an image I
pictured quite a few times: Eren naked and hard between my legs, seeing it for
myself really took my breath away.
I couldn't ignore the way Eren stared down at me like a complicated puzzle
sprawled out before him, but his eyes still glowed with lust as he brushed my
bangs to the side and ran a trail of his nails down my cheek.
"Play with me however you want, Eren." I assured him, trying to calm his tense
features. "I'm your birthday present after all. ...Kind of a shitty present,
though, if you ask me."
He shook his head subtly, a grin fighting to own a spot on his lips; I could
tell he was trying to remain serious, but was clearly excited. "You're the best
gift I've ever received. You're all I've ever wanted all these years."
Memorized by his sincere eyes boring into mine, he stoked my cheek and put me
under an enticing trance, but I broke the spell with a light swat and a scoff.
"You already have me nude on my back with my legs spread, there's no need to
flatter me with sweet nothings."
"I'm not. I'm being honest."
I wanted to grin, but it came out as an amused frown. Of course he's being
honest. Eren's too much of a sweet boy to lie about something like that—even
after all these years he's still a good kid. Even if his personality changes as
he grows, he'll still remain that little innocent child deep inside.
His other hand was still locked in mine, our fingers intertwined into a strong
grip. Eren swallowed down a mouthful of built up saliva to wet his cotton
mouth. His eyes scanned everywhere, as if inspecting me. His pursed lips
quivered just as much as his body and because of that, I felt hesitant to just
move his cock in place and ingest him in like I had formally planned.
"Are you still nervous?" I questioned.
His bottom lip trembled, almost like he was about to cry but not a tear was in
sight. After given some time to think over his feelings, he stiffly dipped his
head bashfully, looking far off to the corner of the room. His lips formed a
wavy line. "Uh-huh..."
"I know what you'll say already, but I'm going to say it anyway—It
doesn't have to be tonight, you know. If you think this is too soon and you're
not emotionally ready, we don't have to do this. We can put a rain-check on it
until you're ready." It pained me to say that, because all I wanted was to
wildly fuck Eren in every way imaginable tonight, but having sex with him won't
mean anything if he's not comfortable or ready. I can hardly believe I feel
that way. Usually when I'm horny I can care less about emotions or other
barriers that try to get in the way of me getting a good fuck. I guess that
goes to show I've matured—or that there's more than physical attachment
involved with this kid.
"No, I am ready!" Must he always yell? I get it, he wants to fuck me and I was
stupid to doubt the desires of a horny teenager. I just can't help but to be
extra cautious right now. There's no going back once this happens, but then
again, we did advance to a step that we can't really back down from now.
"I just...fuck." He tugged on his bangs a little, like he suddenly received a
pounding headache. His other hand remained in mine, squeezing enough to cut off
circulation.
If he's ready and horny, and I'm ready and horny, I don't see the need for
delay here. I puzzled over the possibilities. "If you're hesitating because you
think I have disease or something... then don't worry. I assure you I'm clean.
I've been around a lot but I was smart about it—when I had the choice to be,
anyway. Other times I got lucky."
"Wha—" His eyes narrowed, his expression pinched. Judging from that, I guess
that thought hadn't even skim his radar. "That's not why I'm stalling. I
wouldn't even care if I caught something from you."
I smacked him upside the head. If he didn't have a headache before he does now.
"You're supposed to care about that, idiot." To be fair, I never gave him a
proper sex ed talk or discussed STDs with him, but it should be common logic at
his age.
"It's nothing like that. I'm just...I'm scared that I'm going to suck at this."
He said suddenly, like revealing a big secret.
But this confession of his triggered no reaction from me. I shrugged my
shoulders up into the pillow, the gesture came off as peevish but I meant it as
assurance. "You won't know if you suck or not unless you try."
"But I will suck. Would you still like me even if I'm bad at it?" He frowned,
as if he had the guts to ask but didn't have the courage to hear the answer.
"...Is that what you're worried about?"
"Yeah," he admitted lowly. "I know I'm not the most interesting person in the
world, so if I'm bad at making you feel good then I feel I'm going to ruin
everything."
I huffed. And here I was thinking he had a valid reason for stalling. "Eren, if
anything is going to ruin anything, it's going to be that dumb loud mouth of
yours."
I heaved myself up and reached for the back of Eren's hair before he could give
a reaction. I yanked him close to gain his full attention, all the attention I
desired was held in those beautiful eyes of his. I looked him dead in the eye
and spoke sharply, "Stop thinking and just fuck me already."
To ensure he couldn't give a reply that would ruin the mood once more, I kissed
that stupid mouth of his and dragged him backwards with me, his body pressing
heavy against mine. His hand roamed down the side of my midsection and I
writhed against him as our hard cocks compressed together.
I had his consent, he had mine. There was no reason to prolong this pathetic
excuse of foreplay any longer. To be frank, that bashfulness of his is making
me so fucking hot. I've only ever been with assertive men that thought they
were Gods meant to be worshiped in bed but never lived up to the tales, but
here Eren was, mulling with genuine concern about me—actually stressing the
fact that he may not please me. Most men just care about getting themselves off
and could give a damn less about their partner.
Eren really is a sweet boy, but I didn't want him to be sweet right now. I want
to see his wild passion erupt in a hot frenzy and I want him to tear me up in
the best way possible. Little does he know, I've been craving that cock of his
for a long time and I intend to get it because I never get what I want and I
finally have the chance to be greedy. I'll be damned if I can't get fucked by
the one person I want right now.
With less hesitation, he relocated his hand back in mine and took a few shallow
breaths, in through the nose and out through the mouth; his warm gust breezing
my bangs out of place and raising the hair on my body. I found myself
subconsciously following his breathing pattern as I anxiously waited for him to
make a move, but he stayed still as stone.
The head of his dick idled near my entrance, teasing it with a little rub. Eren
adjust the position of it between my legs, in other words, he was stalling
again.
"Eren."
"...Yes?"
"Put it in."
Like my words were a spell that broke the tantalizing curse he was possessed
by, Eren locked our fingers tight with a squeeze. With his other hand wrapped
around his hardness, he pressed himself forward. With teeth bared, he closed
his eyes and struggled to push pass the tight barrier that came between him and
losing his virginity. My point-of-view granted me a perfect view of Eren's
reactions and as excited as I was getting from the suspenseful built up, I'm
surprised I didn't come from the anticipation.
My body suddenly jerked with a slight utter spilling from my throat. Ever so
smoothly I felt a fullness fill me—he held my hand tighter as he slipped
himself passed and rode half his cock in. His jaw fell open wide and let loose
a string of exclaimed, enthralled moans; the first few sounded like gentle
weeps, but quickly turned into a roar worthy of being a beasts mating call. A
ripple of first time sensations pooled through him judging by the shudder that
quaked through his freshly tainted body.
His eyes shot open, revealing a glistening stare from the stream of built-up
tears freeing over his thick bottom lashes.
"Oh... Levi..." he called my name ever so softly in a short breath, like he was
praying to a blessed deity. His tears soaked against my cheek as he gave me a
kiss that missed my lips. I could tell by the look in his eyes he was swimming
in a dreamy daze and probably couldn't tell which way was up or down. I
squeezed into his bicep and I took a few uneven breaths myself as I adjusted to
the new addition occupying space inside me. Even though I'm a natural master at
poker-faces, I couldn't restrain the pained wince that flicked across my
features.
"That doesn't hurt, right?"
While letting in a calming breath through the nose to relax my tension, I shook
my head stiffly and distracted my attention on his pecks fluctuating rhythm. It
did hurt a little, but that's to be expected. Not only did my tightness
resembled a virgin's again, but we hadn't prepped as much as we should have and
considering Eren's thickness, and that probably wasn't the best idea. But I
could persevere through a little pain; it sure as hell beat waiting through
tantalizing foreplay. If I told Eren any of this, though, he'd likely panic and
think he did something wrong.
Noticing he wasn't convinced, I said, "I'm okay, really. I'll loosen up any
second."
He took my word for it, but quickly added, "I'm new to all this, so please
don't be afraid to tell me if I'm doing something wrong or if I'm hurting you.
Okay?"
"Trust me, I never had a problem with calling you out for screw-ups and I sure
as hell won't have a problem with it now."
His eyes crinkled in mirth from above. "You're so patient. I thought you'd get
mad and shove me aside by now."
"...Geez. I'm not that mean. It takes practice. Still, you're not actually
doing too bad."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I mean even bad sex still feels pretty good."
Disappointment replaced his vanished smile. "Wait, so this is considered bad
sex?"
I wavered the idea, tilting my head side to side. "Well...you haven't really
done anything yet so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. By the way, don't
be afraid to go in deeper."
He shied away with tinted cheeks and gave himself a moment to swallow his
nerves. He returned back to the matter at hand and propped his hand up on the
headboard for leverage, staring at me with little rattling moans vibrating in
his throat. "I'm going to start moving now...If that's okay."
I told him to go right on ahead (I was kind of getting used to him asking
consent for every little thing by this point). With the first gentle thrust,
all the stinging pain had been overrun with a pulsating vibes fluttering
through me. It was during this blissful point of sweet nirvana that I realized
something—for the first time I felt completely comfortable with a partner. Eren
wasn't a client or a quick fuck for fun. He's special to me; someone I care
very much about. I never experienced something like this before.
No matter how I look at it, this is a special moment.
As undeserving as I feel for his affection, I felt grateful that Eren had
fallen for me. Out of anyone it could have been, I'm glad it was him. Although
I felt unworthy to have such a pure-hearted boy devoting himself to a miserable
man like myself. I made so many terrible choices in life—why am I being
rewarded? I didn't want to question it—because if I did I might start to think
pessimistic shit, like all this happiness is being built up to be taken away. I
didn't want those venomous thoughts ruining tonight.
We were finally going all the way—I say finally, but it still feels too sudden,
which sounded ironic when you consider every partner I've had only knew me for
a few minutes prior, ranging to a whopping day. Unlike the others who only
owned me for the night, I had know Eren for three years. I had watched him age
into a young adult, celebrated birthdays and holidays together. I had teased
him as his voice began to squeak and crack when he fully hit puberty and stood
by his side as his height surpassed my own. I knew his quirks, the buttons that
set him off and how to calm his temper down. I had seen him cry and I had seen
him laugh until he nearly puked. I had nursed him when he was ill and I learned
snippets about his past, his parents, his friends and his ambitious dreams.
I spent every day and night with this boy since the night I met him—yet we were
never sexual with each other. I've never even seen this kid completely naked
until tonight, even. All those years passed without an ounce of fooling around
between us, but by the end of the night that will all change. I already seen
Eren's bare flesh displayed to me. He'd taste parts of me he never even imagine
tasting before. We were connected to each other and he was experience the
wonders of sex for the first time with me. We will finish together numerous
times, hopefully, and we will share a special moment together where time stops
and nothing matters other than each other.
Tomorrow morning, Eren won't wake up as a virgin and I will be the one who took
that title away. Many things were about to change between us. Our relationship
will never be the same; for the better or worse, I don't know yet.
Eren's hips were moving slow, thrusting himself mid-way and out again. By the
looks of it, he was still tentative about putting it in all the way. As
considerate as that is, I won't stand for a teasing taste while I'm greedily
craving the whole thing.
"Remember to let me know if I'm doing something wrong," Eren said, his breath
ragged already.
"How kind of you to remind me," I bit sarcastically. "You're not, but let me
teach you something."
Eren jolted from the solid smack against his ass and he silently begged for an
explanation, but I gave him none and let my actions speak for me. Keeping a
squeezing grip on his bottom, I forced him snugger between me, shoving his cock
deeper inside. I let out a breathy cry as my head fell back on the pillow while
I swallowed the rest of his length, feeling filled to the rim now. After
recovering from his size, I lifted my head back off the pillow in a fuzzy daze.
"Do me a favor and stop treating me like I'm fragile." With all the pent up
sexual frustration he horded all these years I know he wanted to fuck me harder
than that.
"But... I don't want to hurt you."
"I'll hurt you if you don't fuck me as hard as you actually want to,
understood?"
"...You're going to wish you hadn't said that."
I perked my chin up at the challenging tone. "Oh yeah? Prove it. Ram that cock
of yours inside me as hard as you can."
That innocent embarrassment of his had disappeared in an instant, leaving no
trace behind. He gave me a look that made my run blood cold—for a split second
I thought maybe I will wish I hadn't said that.
He clamped down on my hips, lifting them and digging his nails in deep to keep
me firmly in place as he drilled between at a profound speed that made me gasp
uncontrollably. The sound of his skin slapping against mine became deafeningly
loud with each beating thrust.
My inner walls clenched, tightly embracing every inch of him. My mind and body
melted to mush as his thickness moved swiftly in an irregular rhythm, leaving
me unprepared for every jerk of his hips.
His fingers formed indentations into my lifted hips as brute thrusts plowed
between my legs. Steamy grunts emitted from him and I joined in with my own
soft, breathless huffs. The contrast between our sounds were unmistakable. I
usually take ages to start feeling anything, but waves of fuzzy tingles washed
over me as he triggered off sensitive zones one by one. I could only hope he
felt just as good, if not better.
I tend to hide my sounds until I can't detain them anymore, but with it being
Eren's first time, I ought to give him some feedback and not force him to
overwork himself just to get a reaction from me. A long breathy sigh freed from
me as I closed my eyes and grasped the pillow viciously.
"Do you feel good?" He asked with care, his pitch coated with sweet honey.
As I was unhinging my mouth to let out a moan, I stalled and I nodded instead
with my brows furrowing in concentration. My eyes squeezed tight, my teeth
clenching. A sudden gasped shot down my neck and I released a lengthy moan
prematurely; the sound echoed loudly throughout the whole bedroom. In the
middle of our choir of lustful sounds, I allowed his name to spill out within
the mortifying pitch. "Eh...ah...Eren."
"Levi..." he called my name in a way I never heard before. If he had called me
a second later, I wouldn't have even recognized it because the way he cursed
and whined and slapped his pelvis into me in rough spurts, my mind became so
fuzzy that I didn't even know who the hell I was anymore. For a few blissful
moments all I felt was pleasure and Eren moving inside me.
"Ah Levi...Mhmm...Le-Levi—!" His hips twinged and his driving force screeched
to an abrupt stop. The stillness snapped my eyes open and also ripped me right
out of the mood. He extracted himself out of me in an instant and all I saw was
a flurry of his wet juices spurting out from his tip, sprinkling onto my
abdominal, enough to overflow from my belly button and roll down my waist and
create spots of wet residue on the sheets.
"...That's the second time you came on me, Yeager." Damn, just when I was
getting into it too. I already established that the pros of sleeping with a kid
was that they could get it up fast, but the cons would be that they finish even
quicker. Well, this sucks. I haven't even gotten off once and this brat already
popped two loads. I said it before and I'll say it again: fuck the young.
"I'm sorry..." I huffed and wiped some sweat from his brow. That must've been
the twentieth time he apologized tonight. I should have started counting
sooner. "I didn't have time to aim anywhere else..."
"It's fine." I swallowed, trying to wet my dry mouth. "No one can beat the
speed of light, after all."
"...Huh?"
"I'm trying to tell you gently that was the quickest fuck I ever received."
He grumbled and reached for a tissue from the box. He wiped off his residue.
"Did I at least do okay while it lasted?"
Even without his cock plowing into me anymore, I still felt vibrations twinging
through me, and judging from that I can safely say, "Yeah—you did okay, like I
said a little fast but you'll learn to hold back eventually." While it lasted,
it did indeed feel good, especially when you consider that Eren has no previous
experience. That calls for some merits.
Eren fondly snatched my hand and escorted it to his face. Pressing it against
his high cheeks, his smile stretched out and he caressingly rubbed his cheek
into my hand until a gleeful trail of tears streamed down and dripped to my
fingers.
"I can't believe it. We just had sex, Levi." He whispered excitedly, tears
still leaking out. I couldn't return the pure expression he gave, I blinked in
confusion, probably looking angry unintentionally. I never had someone so
excited about having sex with me before. With past clients they'd be zipped up
and out the door by now. "I've waited so long to share a moment like that with
you."
Not that I was hurrying to ruin this lovey-dovey atmosphere (okay I was because
yuck), but I felt obligated to remind the idiot that we weren't finished yet
because he forgot a very important step: getting me off. After being so worried
about pleasing me, I figured he wouldn't need a reminder. Dumb forgetful brat.
...But my reminder remained unsaid when Eren's hand glided down my abs, his
body knitting close and snug beside me.
"Don't think I forgot about you." Eren spoke huskily in my ear as his hand
traveled down and grasped my neglected hardness. "I just didn't want to be
distracted—now that I'm finished I can focus all my attention on you."
He began pumping and all the sensation I felt prior rushed back to me at once
with added intensity. I broke into a sweat and closed my eyes in concentration,
focusing on the feel of Eren's fingers gliding tightly. He worked his teeth
into my neck, nibbling wildly and then went on to tongue the welts with care.
"Let me hear your voice again."
I cornered my eyes on him, my bottom lip unhinging and unable to keep close.
Eren wrapped his leg over mine, turning into me to grant himself an even closer
view of my reactions, as if absorbed by every little move and sound he forced
upon me. His forehead pressed into mine and those beautiful eyes gazed into
mine carefully.
"Ah...hah..." I let out in a shaky whimper, my expression pained from the
overwhelming pleasure coursing through my body. My panting breath glazed his
damp bangs, and that's when I realized he didn't look very satisfied, in fact,
it was like giving away a scrap to the staving—sometimes a little taste could
make you go wild with greed.
"Louder, Levi." He said strictly and that assertive order shot right to my
hips, fueling me with unexpected arousal. This is a side to Eren I haven't
anticipated. With the way he looked at me with serious eyes and recited strict
orders I couldn't help but melt.
Eren reflectively began humping against my hip as his hand moved quicker and
intensified the rush. Tensely, my back curled upward as my body vibrated and
spasmed when his mouth found my nipple. My throat let out louder cries as he
thoroughly sucked like a hungry infant.
"Come for me, Levi." He flicked my hard nub with his tongue. "I wanna see you
make yourself all dirty."
My hips buckled into his hand as my blank mind struggled to remember how to
speak again. "You're such a—ah—pervert."
"I am?" His tone rose playfully. "You're the one moaning and shaking from me
touching you..." He looked me over, scanning every inch of my quivering and
perspired body. I couldn't say he was wrong. I really am in a mortifying
position at the moment and I'm shamefully enjoying every second of it—and of
course, he is too. Seeing me like this is beyond enjoyable to that asshole,
he's soaking up every little sound and reaction I unwillingly give him. I can't
believe I let myself submit to a no-good bratty teenager.
If we were both mutually getting each other off, I wouldn't feel like I was in
the spotlight like this; but since he's so focused on me and I'm the only one
getting off right now, I couldn't help but to flush in shame. Damn brat, he
planned that from the beginning, didn't he? He didn't want to just focus on
pleasing me, he wanted to focus on my humiliating state as well. Even though I
seen though his devious plan, I couldn't do anything to stop it, nor did I even
want to. I rather be degraded and swallow my pride than tell him to stop at
this point.
Grinding my teeth with a hiss, I stretched my neck back and Eren licked the
length of it and my moans vibrated against his tongue. He continued to tug at
me, rougher with each stoke and soon my sounds became just as untamed. His
grasp revved in a twisting motion as he stroked, adding to the intensity.
I felt my peek charging little by little as it built up with little shocks
striking through my veins. My breathing pattern was all over the place; one
second I wasn't breathing at all, the next I panted like I was desperately
sucking in my final dying breaths. All the little hairs on my body stood up at
once like a frighted feline and my muscles tensed as stiff as my grinding jaw.
As I convulsed, my sight brightened and flashed with white. My climax exploded
through me like a bolt of lightening and a spray of my warm seed soiled my
lower stomach.
With my eyes remaining closed, my shaking subsided as Eren's light kisses on my
cheek calmed me. I loosened comfortable while I exhaled in a quiver.
Unprepared, my breathless mouth was suddenly covered by his lips before I could
even meet his gaze. While kissing me he rubbed at my chest tenderly and left my
mouth to release a voice just as smooth, "Did that feel good?"
Unable to speak, I gulped stiffly to wet my dry mouth and nodded with an
overwhelming wince.
He chuckled to himself and inspected me below. "You have cum on you again..."
"Just leave it, it doesn't really bother me." After it happening three times in
a row I can't really go out of my way to care anymore, that is.
"I think it might be smarter to take a bath after from now on," he chuckled
again, resting his head on my chest. I reflectively massaged his thick locks as
I collected my breath.
"So, how was it for you?" I asked, and it felt like the first time I had—I
figured I had to be considerate and ask how his first time went.
He rolled to his back, cupping his hands beneath his head. "It was fucking
amazing. I'll remember it forever. Was it good for you too?"
"Eh." Feeling chilly, I reached for the blanket and tugged it over myself. "Not
bad, I guess."
Eren snapped his attention at me. "Not bad? You're kidding right?"
I've had partners that were far more experiences than Eren; he had a lot of
practice ahead of him before he worked up to that point. Being the dominate one
in bed holds a lot of responsibility. You really need to educate yourself on
all the tender zones and know how to use your piece. Another top's job is to
say hard long enough to please your partner. It takes a lot of dedication and
self control in order to give a bottom a mind-blowing orgasm. Eren had the
basics now, but he had a long way to go before he could reach a point that
granted me ultimate fulfilment.
"I bet I can be the best you've ever had one day. Like, actually make you
scream and cry because it's so good."
"Oh yeah?" I twisted to him, curling into the blanket. "You talk big for
someone who came three minutes into it."
"I just need practice! I know what I'm capable of. I wouldn't say it if I
didn't think it was possible!"
"Aren't you the same person who said you'd kill all the Titans one day? Yeah,
you totally set yourself up for realistic goals."
"Shut up, if I set my mind to something I can do it! But go ahead, keep running
your mouth because soon I'll have you so hot you won't be able to speak!"
I restrained the urge to laugh, it was like a little pup trying to intimidate
the leader of a wolf pack. But I'll keep an open mind. After all, big things
come in little packages sometimes. "Hey, if you can give me an orgasm as
fantastic as you say, I'd marry you."
"...Really?"
With panic rising, I scooted away but he pounced on me with a smile just as
overwhelming as his weight. "Eren. No. It's a figure of speech—"
"Let's bet on it!"
What did I get myself into? Wait, no. I didn't do anything. He's taking things
out of context as usual.
"If I can give you the best orgasm of your life, you have to marry me."
"And what are the conditions if you don't?"
"Then I just keep practicing with you..."
I granted him a scolding stare. "So basically you win either way."
Not listening to a word I said, he gave voice to his thoughts, "Wait... Could
boys get married?"
After sitting up a little, I plucked a cigarette from the pack on the
nightstand and lit it with the candle. I needed a smoke, not only because
that's an unspoken tradition after sex, but because Eren was starting to annoy
me and only tobacco could sooth that nerve. "Listen, I know you just lost your
virginity to me and you're feeling all lovey-dovey, but I'm not
discussion marriage right now. Actually, I'm never going to discuss it." Just
thinking about marriage made my stomach cramp—but then again that could be from
the rough pounds I endured moments before.
"I just want to know!"
"Ugh..." I puffed long as I scratched the back of my head irritably.
"Fine...yeah. Figuratively speaking we could get married." None of the churches
within the Walls would touch same sex marriages, just goes to show you how much
freedom we lack in this cage, but there were ministers down in the underground
city who could officially marry gay couples, or so I heard.
"It's settled then."
"What's settled?" My head spun for a loop, a headache gnawing at the back of my
skull. He giggled to himself but I was set on snapping him out of his giddy
trance. "No, Eren. Don't start getting your hopes set on this. You're just
going to get hurt."
Eren pinched my chin to him and revealed his suggestive, yet solemn glare. "The
only thing that will get hurt is your ego when I prove you wrong."
I sighed. I can't take him seriously. If I did I would've had a nervous
breakdown years ago. "Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say." I thought nothing of it
and simply laid my back against the headboard, taking another drag.
"Let me try." Eren reached out just as I turned a bewildered gaze on him. I
reeled my cigarette away from his reach.
"What? No. You're too young to smoke." Geez, he jumps to one annoying topic to
the next. And I actually thought he'd gain maturity after he got laid. He seems
worse. Damnit, what have I done?
"But I'm old enough to have sex? Psh, give it here."
"Hm." I grumbled at him, studying him, but I admitted defeat and passed it
between our fingers with a sigh. Why the hell not, I already defiled his
outside, might as well taint him from the inside too and finish the job.
An expected cough later, I turned to Eren to see a steady stream rolling down
his face. He coughed into his elbow and swiped his tears on his forearm.
"Knew you wouldn't like it." Surely his precious pure lungs would reject it.
He took another puff, trying to act like an unfazed little shit even though he
obviously hated it. "Nah it's totally—" He coughed out a cloud of smoke,
"—Smooth."
"Right. Can I have my cigarette back?"
He made a sour face, similar to the one he made when he had his first sip of
beer and passed it back to me.
"Keep it. Ugh, that gave me a head rush."
I was actually kind of relieved that Eren's body rejected booze and cigarettes.
That's not very common in teenagers. When he was growing up I had a bad feeling
that he'd get into bad habits from living in the slums of the underground with
a ton bad influences around him. That didn't seem to be the case, thankfully. I
remember having no problem swigging down my first glass of liquor or burning my
first smoke. Then again, I was in a pressuring situation; it aided my struggles
and helped me live with myself. Maybe Eren is just content with his life and
his body doesn't crave extra substance to get by. I hope it stays like that—I
don't want Eren to depend on anything or ruin that special mind and body of
his.
As I enjoyed the rest of my cigarette, Eren set out to create deep hickies
along my neck. I closed my eyes and relished the feeling it gave me.
"We get to do it again...right?" Eren bit again, then shot up a pair of doe-
like eyes as he patiently waited for his answer.
Sighing a little, I extinguished my cigarette into the bedside ashtray and sunk
down onto my back. Eren climbed on top of me, taking that as an approval.
He smiled down at me kindly with eyes that matched, then kissed my forehead, my
nose and cheek—the same as I did when he was little. When he pulled back, I
couldn't look away. I caressed his temple and brushed his bangs aside, then let
my hand wander to his lips, where I traced them carefully with a tentative
stare.
"Fuck me again. And come inside me this time."
At that, Eren's eyes widened on me, but he didn't say a word in return. With
only my words fueling him, he was ready to go again and not long after I found
myself crawling at his back and panting desperately over his shoulder.
                                      ~x~
Checking the time became more of a challenge than it ought of been. Between
continuously riding Eren in reverse on his lap and his mouth caught deep in my
crook of my neck with his hand stroking me, I was barely make out where the
clocks hands resided.
"It's seven in the morning already?" I announced in disbelief, blaming my
erroneous vision on my exhaustion and the constant stimulation distracting me.
I craned my neck further, trying to double-check the time, but Eren switched
sides on my shoulder kissed my lips for the hundredths time.
I had previously paused the motion in my hips, but Eren picked up the slack and
pounded up into me, bouncing me in his lap. He kept me stable in his hold as I
twitched at the shift in rhythm and I arched my back and I moaned skyward.
Fuck, he sure has a lot of energy.
Between the rough thrusts slapping against my ass, I spat out, "Mikasa... will
be getting up soon. We need to stop."
"Let me finish first." For the dozenth time, I might add. I actually lost track
of how many times we've came tonight. I don't know how such a lazy kid (that
usually needs a nap just from washing the dishes) is still able to function
properly at this point. Hell, I don't even know how I'm still awake, never mind
participating in an endless sex session.
"Fine. Just keep your voice down." I whispered and twisted around to face him,
adjusting my position to sit in his lap face-forward. My own dripping cock
massaged against his lower abs and pulsated with raw intensity. Having one
orgasm after the next really does a number on a person and my dick honestly was
started to feel chafe from all the stimulation.
I enveloped my arms over his shoulders and enfolded my legs around him to
secure my position because I knew things were about to get bumpier—I was
starting to grow accustom to his moves by now and knew when to brace myself or
when I could keep my guard down, but even so, despite my preparations I often
found myself unready for him.
Holding a stern gaze on me, his hips buckled up and my voice spilled out as I
felt a gush of his previous fluid swish around inside me. After a while we
didn't even need to reapply any more lubricant. Thanks to Eren's never ending
supply, we made do with our own natural supply.
Eren clutched my ass in his hands firmly as I sprang in his lap with all the
energy I could afford to spare, then he spread me wider apart and wedged
himself in, granting himself even deeper access. I muffled my rasping moan by
trapping it in his shoulder.
With my hard cock grinding against his lower abs, I swiveled my hips around,
stirring his cock around all the wet juices overflowing. That earned a blaring
moan from Eren and I reflectively slapped a hand over his mouth.
"That's not being quiet." His lips vibrated against my fingers; the little
sounds trapped beneath resembled a pleading whimper. I felt abusive for
neglecting their release.
As if I'm in the position to lecture him, hell, I can't even blame him. I could
barely keep myself quiet. After so much fucking I was hyper-sensitive all over
and fully aware of every light touch, every thrust, and at this point a simple
kiss could probably make me climax.
I rested my head on his shoulder and muffle my sounds in the crook of his neck.
My eyes teared in pleasure as his body rocked into mine. His arms hugged around
me tightly and I briefly found myself thinking that I never wanted those arms
to leave me.
Not only are we giving this mattress a workout, but ourselves as well. I'm no
stranger to over-exerting activity, but I can honestly say that Eren wore me
out tonight. Both of us are exhausted and drenched in each others sweat and cum
and our voices were one moan away from being hoarse—it's been a long night.
It wasn't long after that the last remaining liquid dribbled out of me in a
quaking shudder, and Eren followed soon after and vibrated inside me before
releasing another wet load deep inside. "Ah..." My pitch rose as high as my
tensing shoulders and my toes dug into the mattress. I trembled uncontrollably
and Eren held on to sooth me.
As I huffed with Eren, I looked down at the splattered mess I left on his
stomach. I think that was the last of it—I'm completely out of ammo now.
Shakily with some helpful support from Eren, I pulled myself up feebly,
separating myself from him for what felt like the first time in hours. The
amount of his fluids that came rushing out of me couldn't be measured. Trails
of creme raced down my quivering, soaking wet thighs.
Eren fell back to the bed and I collapsed on top of his hard damp body and I
probably crushed the kid, but I didn't have the strength to care. His liquids
continued to ooze out of me, tickling as they streamed down my skin.
We caught our breaths for several long minutes as Eren rub tenderly along my
spine, the recurrent affection drifted me into a tranquil state. After pulling
the blanket on top of us, I got comfortable and curled closely against him. My
eyes hooded contently from the sound of his heartbeat pumping in my ear. Soon I
found myself quietly tracing shapes in his chest while he brushed his fingers
along my shoulder.
Eren broke the silence after a long while of recovery. "How're you feeling?"
"Sore."
"Aw, I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I am too." There was a smile
in his voice and my own sadistic grin pressed against his chest.
That's kind of expected after humping throughout the entire night.
Geez—Hotshots used to promise me that I was going to be 'fucked all night' many
times in the past, but it never actually lasted all night before. I always
assumed it was a figure of speech. Turns out it's actually possible if your
stamina and body could hold out. Or if you sleep with a kid as hyperactive,
stubborn and determined as Eren.
"It reeks like hooker den in here." I said simply with a sniff.
"And what kind of a smell is that?"
"Semen. And sweat. Everywhere." I cringed. "Gross. Remind me to spray a whole
bottle of air freshener in here later." Even while being in the tranquil state
I was in, my mind couldn't help but form a mental checklist for tomorrow. "I'm
probably gonna need to clean these sheets a dozen times, too."
"Don't worry about that right now, just relax." He pet my head, working his
fingers through my hair.
"Honestly, I don't. I don't even care that I'm filthy. I'm too tired to care."
Eren weakly laughed agreeingly and sunk closer to me and wrap his arms tightly
around. He rubbed gently up and down my back as his steady breathing pattern
rocked me into unbeatable drowsiness.
The last distant words I heard from Eren was, "I love you so much, Levi."
Between those sweet words and his soothing heartbeat, I drifted right into a
peacefully deep sleep—but it didn't last long, (or at least I don't think it
did since I was still exhausted) because I woke up the instant I felt Eren's
presence leave me.
I bolted up from my comfortable position, causing a head rush as I looked at
the empty space beside me. Being half asleep as I was, my thoughts had clung to
the worse, that either I dreamt up the whole thing or worse, Eren left just
like everyone else—but that was absurd, why would I even think that? I held my
head, a migraine rushing in. I couldn't tell if I was asleep for seconds or
days but panic struck me and I couldn't force it away with logical reasoning.
All I wanted was to see Eren right now. I didn't care about anything else.
That's the only thing that will take this fear away from me.
"What're you jumping out of a dead sleep for?"
I slowly twisted my glance over my shoulder and saw Eren there, smiling at me
as he zipped up his pants.
My stiff muscles melted at the sight of him. I shifted to sit in his direction,
my legs bent beneath me as I blinked at him, tilting my head.
"What's wrong?" His brows spiked in concern.
"...Nothing. Don't pay attention to me, I'm half asleep." Now that I was a
little more awake, I didn't even remember what nearly caused me a panic attack.
I yawned and tossed the thought away with a simple oh well.
Some of my rational senses fled back to me. And the first thought I had was:
Shit, he is so hyper. He fucks me for hours then walks out of bed like it's any
other day. Where did he get all that energy? Either that's normal and I'm just
getting old or he's superhero with unlimited strength, but surely a superhero
would have no trouble washing the dishes and taking out the trash—not unless
it's his weakness.
I dismissed the stupid, ponderous shit that normally goes though most peoples
heads while they're half-crocked and instead turned my attention back to Eren.
"Come back to bed." I groggily demanded, reaching out to him. He took a few
steps forward and grabbed my hand and swung our arms playfully.
"I will soon, but I'm starving."
"Oh." I laid my head back down and broke our hands apart. Eren finished getting
dressed and I watching him all the while. It actually felt like a sin to cover
that body. Now that I know how he looks under those clothes, I'll never look at
him the same way again, that's for sure.
"What about you? You hungry?"
The empty feeling in my stomach made that question easy to answer. "I am, but I
don't have the energy to get dressed and go downstairs." Just thinking about
doing that made me yawn.
"Hm." He folded his arms and pondered for a solution. "I would make you
breakfast in bed, but your rules say no eating in the bedroom."
Well, that solves that problem. "Fuck the rules. The beds filthy anyways," I
declared in a fit of rebellion.
Eren chuckled as he leaned in to smack a kiss on my forehead. The key around
his neck dangling in my view.
"What was that for?" I muttered into the pillow as he pulled away with a smug
smile.
"You just looked cute so I wanted to kiss you, that's all." He traced his
finger alone my jawline then turned his back to me. "I'll go back us
breakfast." His steps headed toward the stairs, but halted suddenly. He turned
back as if an idea sparked in his head. "We'll probably feel more energized
after we eat, what do you say we go for another round before bed?"
I probably would have gave a alarmed reaction to that suggestion if I wasn't
too tired to move my facial muscles. I mumbled with a pout instead. "Are you
even human."
"Yeah, just a very horny human."
I stuffed my face into the pillow, making it difficult to speak. "Ugh. I'm so
tired though."
Eren loomed over me and combed my bangs though his fingers. "I know, but you're
so cute when you're sleepy."
Like that's a good enough reason for wanting to kill me from over-exertion.
"But Mikasa's probably awake now."
"I think she's still sleeping," he tangled my hair in hand, looping a strain in
his finger as he looked off toward the banister. "She might've stayed up late
with Hanji and Mike last night—that gives us some extra playtime."
I peeked up at him and that was the worst decision I made tonight. It's
impossible to say no to that face, so I didn't, I gave myself a fighting
chance. "I'll tell you what, if your cooking tastes good and you don't burn
anything, we can have one more quickie before bed."
"Really?" Motivation surged though him and his face lit with enthusiasm. "In
that case you're getting the best breakfast of your life!"
"Sure." I rolled over unimpressed and Eren trampled down the steps and I
comfortably squirmed against the sheets, set on taking another nap before he
came back. Eren's become pretty good at cooking, but he always manages to fuck
something up, he'll likely burn the toast as usual or under-cook the eggs. I
didn't have anything to worry about. I'll fill my gut and get back to sleep.
Just as I felt myself drifting off with the content thought of stuffing my
face, a sudden, revolting thought popped in my head and my eyes bulged open. I
shot up my head off the pillow again, earning another headache and likely a
sore throat after screaming, "For the love of God Eren, please remember to wash
your hands!"
An exploding giggle traveled from downstairs. "I know, I know! I'm washing them
now! ...I did almost forget though. Heh..."
I sighed and fell backward, the pillow catching my head. I smiled up at the
ceiling and I closed my eyes again with a subtle shake of my head. What am I
going to do with that brat?
After a quick cat nap, Eren returned with a tray in hand and pampered me with a
proper breakfast in bed. Turns out it was the best breakfast of my life, or
maybe I was just so hungry because Eren burned all my fuel and anything would
have tasted good. Regardless, Eren won the deal.
Once the deal was squared away, Eren panted beside me at the ceiling and draped
his damp wrist over his forehead. "Holy shit. I never knew my body was capable
of feeling this good—all the times before last night pales in comparison."
"And what other lover are you comparing it to, exactly? Your hand? Psh." I
rolled my head straight and shared the same view as him before continuing my
roll of sarcasm, "Phew, I really beat the odds there."
"Hey, I'm just saying you're good. Like, really good."
Again, he had nothing but his hand to compare to, but it's not like I never
heard that before from more experienced partners. "And I'm probably the best
you'll have, which is unfortunate for you. You'll probably still scream my name
when you fuck others in the future." I teased and poked at his cheek, but Eren
didn't budge. My brows rose at this.
Propping up on his elbow, he bore into me, his bottom lip hanging abhorrently.
"You're really thick, you know that?"
I strained my eyes down to inspect myself with a tilt of the head. "I've been
told."
Eren pulled his peeved eyes away and glanced at my dick, then hastily covered
my shame with the blanket. I half wondered if it was too distracting for him
but he gripped my shoulders before I could think another thought.
"Did you even listen to me up on the Wall at all? I said I wanted you. I said I
love you. That means I only want you, and I only want to sleep with you. No one
else. Ever."
"...Really now." I know Eren feels strongly for me, hell, I really like the kid
too, but even though I briefly pondered our future together when he had colored
us such a perfect happy ever after at the bar, I didn't dwell on it long,
thinking it might jinx it or disappoint me more when I discover we don't
actually have a promising future. Just goes to show how much my pessimism
controls my thoughts. "You actually want to stay together until were old and
gray, then?" I said it mockingly, but Eren returned a serious expression.
"Well, you'll be old and gray way before me, but that's the goal."
"Hm." I hummed in my throat. I know his promise back at the tavern was far-
fetched, we'll never live a fairy tale life on a farm near the sea beyond the
walls, but for the life of me I still couldn't picture something simple like us
getting married, like he blabbed about earlier, or growing old together. I
couldn't picture Eren old, either, so that might have something to do with
it—but I digress. "Most men run from commitment, but you're willingly signing
up for it well in advance. Remind me to have Hanji examine your head. Something
is seriously wrong with you."
"Stop joking around. I'm being serious." Eren laid his head close to mine and
rubbed my forearm with worried features. "It's really not that uncommon to love
someone and spend the rest of your life with them."
I clicked my tongue and rewarded him with a little doubting nod. "No. It isn't,
I suppose." The frown on my face deepened. I nearly choked on my following
words, "But it is uncommon for someone to love me."
"...I knew it." Realization flashed in his eyes. I curled my lip at him with a
tsk.
"Wow thanks. I didn't know it was so obvious that I'm unlovable."
"No, I mean," he shuffled forward and I groaned. I just wanted to sleep but
this brat always wants to engage in a never ending chat after he gets off. "I
had a hunch that you've never been in love with anyone before...that's why I
was throwing hints earlier. I thought you'd tell me about your first love or
something since it was relevant but you never did. Is there a reason why it
never happened? Did you just date a lot of people but never fell in love?"
"Oh Christ." My head began to throb. "You talk more than a woman after sex.
Aren't you tired yet?"
"I got a second wind," just as I already conjectured. He fluffed up his pillow
and got comfortable. "Don't avoid the question."
What question was he even asking? Was he asking for a reason why I never been
loved? How does that even imply an answer, it should be obvious. "It just never
happened. I never wanted it to happen to be honest."
"So in other words you just never found the right person."
"If I fuck you again will you shut up?" It was an empty proposition, really,
because I could never survive another round, not unless he didn't mind fucking
me while I slept.
"No, I rather listen to you talk." Funny, he wants to listen to me but all I
hear is his voice drumming my ears. He definitely needs his head checked. A
teenage boy choosing conversation over sex? He can't be fully human. I'm
calling it.
"Yes Eren, I never found anyone, happy now?" I confirmed hostility, then rolled
away. With a sigh, I loosened up the most my face would allow and gathered my
breath because I knew Eren wouldn't let up that easy. Why did I need to confirm
this?
The mood shifted suddenly and it could have been due to the lingering passion
in the air. I felt Eren's eyes digging into my back and I flinched from the
heavy stare set on me. I spoke slowly, "I guess you can say that no one ever
found me, actually. No one wants someone like me. Which made sense so I never
really thought about it much. It was just natural for me to be alone."
"I find that hard to believe."
"We all can't be blessed with stupidity like you, Yeager."
"I'll admit I'm not the sharpest knife in the draw, but I didn't say that
because it's my opinion. I know someone like you doesn't quite understand
emotions, but it requires no thinking. This is how I feel and feelings are
never wrong. I think you're a great person and whoever couldn't see that were
the actual stupid ones."
For some viciously cruel reason I can't explain, an image of Erwin appeared in
my mind. I cringed bitterly. He's the only person who came close to a lover,
except there was no love involved, only respect and lust over the other. But
Eren's wrong. Erwin is far from stupid and the reason why he didn't fall in
love with me because he did see who I truly was, meaning he was smart for
staying away. Erwin tries to say it's for other reasons, like him being a
solider with a short life span, but my insecurity refuses to accept that as the
truth.
"You said so yourself," I began to remind him, "I'm a scary, facetious, cranky
criminal with OCD. Honestly, who in their right mind wants to be with someone
like that?"
"Me."
"Someone in their right mind, Eren." I twisted back to him and wish I hadn't,
because his kind eyes entranced me. His flatten hand road up my chest, and
traveled to my cheek where he began caressing it lovingly. "But you're also
very kind and would take a bullet for an innocent stranger. You're just that
type of person."
"As if. If I had time to get in front of a speeding bullet, I would get the
innocent idiot and myself out of the bullets range."
"My point proven. You still care enough to save someone, you'd never run away
and just protect yourself. You might not realize this, but that's a rare
quality nowadays."
Eren cuddled up close, securely binding me in his arms and legs. His voice
suddenly became groggy like he was talking in his sleep. "You're
also very attractive."
I massaged his scalp, as I shook my head. "Those pretty eyes of yours can't see
very well. What a pity."
Despite his apparent sleepiness, he went on to carefully say, "Hate to break it
to you, Levi, but you're little tough facade isn't a good disguise. I see right
though it and I know you have no confidence in yourself, and that's why you
can't accept my compliments or believe me when I tell you something too good to
be true. I don't know if that's cute or sad."
He hit the nail right on the head, shattering the weak wall I created and
revealing the weak man trapped inside. He's right. I don't have any confidence.
I can't even trust myself and my own decisions, never mind others. I don't even
know why I'm letting him know such a disgraceful weakness. And I don't even
know how an idiotic brat figured that out on his own when so many people never
even considered it.
I jumped a little when he spoke again, because I was pretty damn sure at this
point that he could read my mind and that was why he always said the right
things. "I'm going to restore your confidence. Even if I have to tell you how
great and handsome you are everyday. You deserve to hear that."
"Ew. Please don't." I begged with a scowl.
"I'm going to make you happy, Levi. I promise..." I must have drained the life
out of the poor kid. He's so limp and slurring with a string of drool hanging
from his lips—he's likely delirious too. At least he finally wore himself out.
Still, what he said wasn't due to sleep deprivation. That much I was sure of.
He meant what he said.
We commenced our traditional sleeping ritual and meshed our bodies snugly
against each others and I placed an ear to that soothing heartbeat of his and
closed my eyes. "You can start making me happy by shutting up and going to
sleep."
And that was a promise he did certainly keep, which safely clears level one. If
he really wanted to make me truly happy and was determined to spend the rest of
his life with me, then he had many more levels to go until he finally reached
the top. That exhausting journey would be a long and difficult one, but a very
small flare of hope deep inside me was rooting for him with all its might.
Chapter End Notes
     Phew, those boys really like to push it to the extremes, don't they?
     Geez, I'm tired just from proofreading through that. I just hope I
     delivered their first time decently! OTL
     Anywho, in the next chapter Eren will receive some lessons in math.
     And sex. I'm pretty sure he'll get a passing grade in one of those
     lessons. Hint: Eren sucks at math, but he is quite good at sucking,
     literally. Hehe.
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